


What's Mine Is Yours... Always

by onlythebestfandoms



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-04-06 06:48:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 341,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlythebestfandoms/pseuds/onlythebestfandoms
Summary: After Laura wakes up from a terrible car accident, Carmilla finds that there are some gaps missing from her love's memory... mainly that she can't remember anything about Carmilla or the life they've built together.AKA: Amnesia AU





	1. I'll Put Us Back Together at Heart

With a deep growl, Carmilla gave the coffee machine her best death glare, sending her heavy black boot into it's base with a huff. The mint green machine, that was easily older than her, simply stared back, mockingly, refusing her the caffeine she so desperately required.

Heaving a deep sigh she turned away and shuffled on towards the room she’d, unfortunately, become intimately familiar with over the last week. She’d been forced out a little over two hours ago by a determined Perry who insisted she go outside to get some fresh air and head home for a much-needed shower. She’d rushed through it of course, desperate to get back as quickly as possible, despite the fact that the shower felt amazing and the fresh air was a much-needed break from the overly sterile air that clung to every inch of the hospital. But two hours away seemed like far too long, and she’d rushed back only to realize how truly exhausted she really was. She hadn’t had more than a few hours sleep in days, afraid that if she closed her eyes, she’d miss something.

She’d been three hundred miles away, in the middle of a photo shoot with the most insufferable model she’d had the displeasure of working with when it had happened. She’d gotten the call from LaFontaine, and at first, she was confused. LaF was all over the place, talking over themself a mile a minute without really saying anything that made sense. Something about bees and brownies and possible organ transplants. It wasn’t until Perry finally took the phone from them that she found out the real reason behind the call; Laura had been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition at St. Peter’s hospital, just twenty minutes away from the modest condo they shared near downtown Silas.

She’d immediately grabbed her things and recklessly broke every speed limit and traffic law on her way back home, repeatedly redlining the Honda CB1000R that Laura had initially begged her to get rid of, but secretly loved riding on the back of, especially during those crisp fall days when the breeze would hit them just right with the scents of autumn leaves and pine. The whole ride she’d been completely terrified of what awaited her at the hospital, or worse… that with the ‘critical’ describing Laura’s condition, she wouldn’t get there in time. It was awful.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Things were supposed to be good. She was supposed to come home two days later after finishing the shoot and walk into their house, Laura there, smiling and jumping into her arms as soon as the door closed, thrilled that their dreaded seven-day work separation was finally over. They’d planned to have dinner together that night and celebrate Laura’s latest political bashing article being printed in the Times. They would’ve ordered a fancy wine and made heart eyes at each other over the table while playing with each other fingers underneath it.

Instead, she was racing towards uncertainty, hoping against hope that what would greet her would be better than the worst-case scenario. When she’d arrived at the hospital a little after eight that night, LaF and Perry were there in the waiting room, both squirming in their chairs, apparently waiting for her.

“What the hell happened?!? Is she okay? Where is she?”

“They’re moving her to a room right now. She’s been in surgery,” LaFontaine explained, nervously wringing their hands in front of themselves. “There were some… complications and some internal bleeding. They’ve stopped it, but the doctor said the next few hours will be critical.”

Carmilla just stared at the two, digging her nails into her palms to keep the tears threatening to spill from her eyes at bay.

“Carmilla, she’s going to get through this,” Perry said, with as much conviction as she could muster. She tentatively reached out, placing a comforting hand on Carmilla’s leather-clad shoulder. “Laura is a fighter. You know this. She’s not just going to give up on you and her career and the amazing life she’s worked so hard for.”

Carmilla just nodded, staring down at the floor, terrified of what would happen if Perry was wrong. Terrified of the worst. Terrified of what would happen if she lost Laura.

It was thirty minutes later when the trio was finally lead to Laura’s room. If Carmilla was scared before, the sight that greeted her froze every muscle in her body. Laura lay in the hospital bed, bruised and broken. She had a set of stitches across her forehead that matched the set along the right side of her jawline, cuts and scratches littering her face and arms, tubes and lines hooked up to all sorts of machines that beeped and buzzed around her. The nurse had warned them that the sight may be shocking, but Carmilla was not prepared for this. Laura was the strong one, the one that could carry the world on her shoulders. But laying there in that hospital bed, she looked so small and fragile.

It had been eight days since that night. Eight days and Laura still hadn't woken up. Eight days of the doctors performing test after test, attempting to get any sort of response from the tiny journalist without success. Eight days of Carmilla never leaving Laura’s side for more than five minutes, spending her days begging Laura to wake up and her nights huddled in an uncomfortable chair to the right of Laura's bed, holding her hand, and staring at the sleeping girl that had stolen her heart all those years ago. Today was the first time she'd left the room at all, having taken advantage of LaF, Perry, and even Sherman, who had arrived the morning after the accident, to bring her whatever she needed as she waited for Laura to come around. They'd all suggested that she take some time away, but it wasn't until she was forced out by a persistent Perry that she actually left. Now that she was back, the guilt she felt from leaving in the first place was beginning to overwhelm her. What if something had happened while she was gone? What if she missed something? Rubbing her hands over her face with a sigh, she rounded the corner towards Laura’s room and was immediately met with an anxious Perry and overly exuberant LaFontaine.

“There you are! We’ve been calling you for the past hour, why didn’t you answer your phone? You and Sherman have both been totally MIA and it's really not okay!” The eager tone of LaFontaine’s voice caught her off guard.

“What’s going on?” Carmilla asked, glancing down at her very dead iPhone and realizing for the first time that she hadn't used it since she last talked to Mattie a few days ago. “Did something happen? Is she-”

“Awake! She’s awake!”

“Are you serious?”

She didn’t even bother waiting for an answer as she barreled past the two gingers and into the beige hospital room, her eyes immediately meeting those of the woman she loved. She _was_ awake. She was okay. Hearing LaFontaine and Perry rush in behind her, she let out the deep breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, and felt her lips turn up in the biggest smile she’d had in weeks.

“Hey, cupcake, about time you woke up. I’ve missed those gorgeous brown eyes,” she said, slowly walking towards the bed and taking Laura’s free hand, smiling down at the prone girl. It was taking everything she had to keep the tears welling in her eyes at bay, but she couldn’t break down now. Not when Laura was staring back at her expectantly. “How are you feeling?”

“Um, I don’t know. Sore. Confused. Tired.”

“I think that’s the fewest words I’ve ever heard you use,” Carmilla chuckled, tenderly brushing her thumb across a few bruised knuckles.

“Yeah… I just um… I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” Pausing, Laura looked around the room, briefly making eye contact with the two gingers at the foot of the bed.

“Don’t understand what, cutie?”

Turning her gaze back to Carmilla, she momentarily floundered as she tried to find the right words. Briefly glancing down at their joined hands only seemed to heighten her panic.

“Laura, sweetie, you were in a car accident. But everything is going to be fine,” Perry anxiously chimed in, looking for some way to be helpful.

“Yeah, I know. I remember the crash. I was on my way back from researching that article on bee pollination and you’d just called to invite me over for movies,” she said, turning to back to Perry and LaF.

“Yeah, Per was starting a batch of double chocolate brownies when you guys hung up,” LaF chimed in helpfully.

“Right, I remember I told her I desperately needed a pick me up and she offered. I just, I don’t remember…” Laura paused, once again glancing back and forth from her hand gently clasped in Carmilla’s to the dark-haired girl's anxious eyes. Carefully pulling her hand away, she closed her eyes and briefly shook her head, seemingly trying to collect herself. When she opened her eyes again she was met with a confused look from the girl next to her.

“Don’t remember what? What is it, Laura?”

“Who are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a really long time since I've written fanfic of any sort. But the bug bit me and I had to try out this little idea. Let me know what you guys think. Shall I continue?


	2. I Forgot to Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's awake, but now what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics. 
> 
> Any mistakes are my own so I apologize. As I said, it's been a really long time since I've written and there's an abundance of rust to shake off. I hope you all enjoy.

“Post-traumatic selective amnesia? What the hell is that?” Carmilla glared at the doctor, her hands firmly planted on her hips, her face a mask of anger.

“I know this is scary for you, Miss Karnstein. But considering how hard Laura hit her head, we knew there would likely be a possibility of traumatic complications following the accident. Unfortunately, amnesia was one of the complications we knew could possibly surface, but in her situation, it’s rather mild, and it’s not the worst case scenario. Be thankful for that.”

“Thankful?!?” Carmilla stared back at the doctor, looking like she was about to come unhinged. “I’m supposed to be thankful that my fiancée has no idea who the hell I am?”

“Carmilla, let’s just calm down, it’s all going to be alright,” Perry said, doing her best imitation of a comforting mother. The murderous look Carmilla shot her at the suggestion was enough to keep her from saying anything further and forced her to unconsciously step away from the seething girl.

“Again, I know this is upsetting for you, Miss Karnstein. It’s upsetting for all of you, I understand, but please, let’s not do anything rash just yet. We’re going to run some more tests to confirm and to make sure that everything else is okay.”

“But, doc, come on. Is this really that common? Seems beyond the realm of strange that Laura is only forgetting one person, let alone the person closest to her. It just doesn’t seem right to me,” Sherman Hollis chimed in, his overly protected dad exterior firmly in place. He’d arrived back to the hospital room only a few minutes after Laura had finally woken up. “Is there a chance it’s something else or that something else might be wrong with her? Is it something that happened to her here at the hospital?”

“I can assure you, Mr. Hollis, this was a possibility all along. Like I said, we’re going to run a few more tests now that Laura’s awake just to rule out anything more serious. It should only take about an hour or so. While we’re doing that, why don’t you all go get some coffee, and just sit tight. It’s very possible that this will only be a short-term loss.”

“How short term?” Carmilla’s tone was beyond desperate at this point.

“We can’t say for sure. But let me get back to Laura and get started. The main thing right now is not to panic.” With that, the doctor turned on his heel and left the group standing at the end of the hallway.

“This can’t be happening. I mean, she can’t just not remember…” Carmilla trailed off, staring into the distance down the hall where the doctor had just vanished.

“Hey, come on kid. Let the doctors do their tests and see if they can figure anything else out,” Sherman said, stepping towards the dark-haired girl. “I know it’s scary now, but… well, let’s just see what happens.” Carmilla finally looked at the older man and saw the unmistakable fear clouding his eyes, which only sent her into a deeper state of alarm.

The group watched in silence as a moment later, Laura was wheeled out of her room in her hospital bed and down the hall, further away from them. An hour or so, that’s what the doctor had said. What was another hour or so of waiting for answers? After all, it had already been eight days. Eight long, excruciatingly awful days.

The group slowly made their way to the waiting room on that floor of the hospital, looking for anything to make the time go by faster. Perry placed a few more update phone calls to some of Laura’s other friends while LaF scoured the internet for any information they could find on the amnesia Laura’s doctor had referenced, and Sherman paced around the waiting room, reminiscing and rambling through any and all of the Laura getting into trouble stories he could remember. Danny and Kirsch had arrived with food and caffeine for everyone a half hour into the wait, looking for some way to be helpful until Laura returned, and they could get some more answers. It was all too much for Carmilla as she sat in the corner, hunched over, her head in her hands, desperately trying to get her thoughts in order and keep the migraine she felt coming on at bay long enough to get through this mess.

“Dudes! What if we did like a little skit for her or something, maybe that’d help her remember everything!”

“Like what Kirsch?” Danny asked, already rolling her eyes. “She remembers us, it’s Carmilla that’s missing. You want us to put on a reenactment of their first date? Or their housewarming party? Or hey, how about the time Laura got so drunk at that Zeta party off of that ‘bitchin’ pilsner’ you guys were brewing that she ended up spending half the night singing Celine Dion karaoke? Drusilla over there had to carry her to the car to get her home.”

“Wait, what happened?” That stopped Sherman’s ramble about Laura’s obsession with ladybugs that took over much of her second-grade year.

“Or we could reenact the time she almost punched that girl out at that club when the girl wouldn’t stop hitting on Carmilla,” LaF spouted off with a laugh. “Carmilla had to literally carry Laura over her shoulder outside. She was kicking and yelling the whole time.”

“She did what?” Sherman stopped pacing the length of the room.

“Yeah! Or like that time we all went up to Mel’s parent's cabin and caught them skinny dipping in the lake because they thought we were all asleep, so it’d be cool to swim after midnight. Morticia didn’t have to carry Laura in that one, but still, it was pretty funny when they realized all their clothes were missing.”

“Oh, I don’t want to hear this,” Sherman said, finally walking out of the room.

“Alright, all of you, that’s enough,” Perry scolded, attempting to reign in the three giggling friends. “That’s her father, he doesn’t need to know all of the… intimate details of Laura’s life with Carmilla. And furthermore, the doctor said this could only be temporary. There’s no need to create a screenplay complete with sock puppets on Laura and Carmilla’s history. What we need to focus on right now is helping Laura get better, however we can. LaFontaine, get back to your research. Danny and Kirsch, you two… well, just sit quietly with your hands in your laps.”

Carmilla peered up for a moment to see the trio immediately follow Perry’s orders, and couldn’t help but smirk a little. Betty Crocker sure did have a way of getting things in order and the ragtag team in front of her was no exception.

It was quiet for all of two minutes before Sherman popped his head back in and announced that they were settling Laura back into her room. The group instantly gathered their things and followed him down the hallway, all the while still keeping as quiet as possible until they reached Laura’s room, and all breathing a collective sigh of relief to see her still there, sleeping peacefully. After all, it had been a long day.

As the nurses were settling Laura back in, they seemed pleased to provide the group with positive news that there didn’t seem to be any further damage beyond what they’d already discovered. The doctor wanted to keep an eye on her for another day or two, but was hopeful that she’d be able to leave the hospital soon as long as nothing further came up. She was healing nicely from her surgery, and beyond the broken left arm and a few cracked ribs, she seemed to have come through unscathed.

Sherman immediately pulled a chair up to the side of the bed, apparently intent on waiting there until his daughter woke up again. The others took his cue, quietly making themselves comfortable wherever there was room available. Carmilla, however, stayed glued to the door frame, her right hand fiddling with Laura’s engagement ring in her front pocket. One of the nursing staff had given it to her not long after Laura was settled into her room after surgery, and she’d found herself frequently running her fingers over it for some sort of comfort over the last few days. Of course, it was more comforting when it was settled securely on Laura's finger, but at this point, she'd take whatever she could get.

“Hey, you coming in, bad seed?” LaF asked from their spot near the window.

Carmilla looked up, seeing all eyes on her, all of them curious and quickly backed away, suddenly overwhelmed by the events of the last eight days. It felt like she’d just been slammed into by a freight train.

“Actually, I think I’m going to get some air. I’ll be back in a bit.” She didn’t wait for a response from anyone before quickly making her way down the hall, foregoing the elevator in favor of the nearby staircase. Ten flights down was way easier than waiting for the elevator and continuing to breathe in the stale air pushing down on her with twenty-thousand pounds of pressure. Sprinting down them and through the hospital lobby, she roughly pushed through the front doors, taking in gulps of the cool autumn air the early evening offered. Putting her hands on her knees she realized just how close she was to a panic attack at that moment, and swallowed hard to keep the bile rising in her throat from coming out.

 _Not now. Just keep it together, Karnstein. You can do this._ Taking one final deep breath, she pushed herself to stand and made her way over to a nearby bench, plopping down heavily.

She looked up and watched the newly turned autumn leaves undulating softly against the gentle fall breeze, the air crisp, and welcoming. Laura would have loved to sit here and watch them. Laura…

 _She’s awake. She’s awake. Just focus on that. She’s awake and okay,_ Carmilla thought as a few stubborn tears rolled down her cheeks.

* * *

_“Who are you?”_ The words kept ringing in her mind, over and over, each time seeming more unbelievable than the last.

Carmilla stood near the doorway, out of sight from the others, staring intently as the group chatted animatedly with each other, eager to catch up with what had happened over the last week. She’d spent a good hour outside, collecting herself and making a few calls to her siblings before forcing her feet to carry her back inside, and up to the tenth floor. Inside the room, she watched as a now much more awake Laura smiled and then laughed as Danny slapped at the back of Kirsch’s head, clearly displeased with whatever innocently inappropriate comment he’d made. On the one side of the bed, Perry scolded them and LaFontaine giggled. Sherman seemed to be trying to suppress his own chuckle from his post at the other side of the bed. It felt so good to see Laura awake and smiling, alive and happy to be surrounded by her friends and those she loved most. Carmilla tried to focus on that feeling and not the one heavily weighing down her heart at the possibility that Laura would never remember her or the life they’d built together.        

The last week had left her terrified to her very core, something she’d never felt before, and something she wasn’t eager to feel again anytime soon. The whole time she’d been waiting for Laura to wake up, all kinds of horrible scenarios had crossed her mind, the worse being that the love of her life wouldn’t wake up at all. But Laura forgetting her had never been one of those scenarios, and therefore, something she really had not prepared for.

Sighing deeply she thought back to what had happened just a few hours ago, thinking of how quickly she’d gone from ecstatic to have Laura back to devastated with just three little words.

* * *

_**Two Hours Earlier** _

“Who are you?” The uncertainty with which Laura uttered the question stunned her because if Laura was anything, it definitely was not uncertain. The scrappy brunette was one of the most stubbornly sure people Carmilla had ever met, even when she was clearly wrong.

“Laura, cupcake, what are you talking about?” She knelt down further beside the bed, attempting to reach for Laura’s hand once more but finding it impossible with the tiny journalist keeping it closely clasped to her chest.

“You okay, Frosh?” LaF and Perry both stepped closer to the bed, their faces both awash in concern.

“No. I mean yes. I mean…what-”

“Laura! Laura Eileen Hollis!” The commotion from the hallway was enough to draw the attention of all four members of the room towards the doorway. Less than a second later Sherman stood there, clutching at the frame, red-faced and breathless.

“Dad!” Carmilla turned back to watch Laura’s face immediately light up at the sight of her overprotective father, thrilled to see the smile that enveloped her features.

“Oh, pumpkin, I’m so happy to see you awake and okay.” He clambered towards the head of the bed, taking a spot next to Carmilla, and placed a comforting hand on Laura’s shoulder and a soft kiss on her forehead.

“I’m fine dad. Completely a-okay,” she giggled. The sound was like music to Carmilla’s ears and she felt her lips turn up uncontrollably.

“You sure about that, L?”

“Positive,” Laura answered, turning back to her best friends. “I mean, as far as ways to wake up in a hospital after a car crash, this doesn’t seem too bad.”

“God, you are so amazing, cutie. You take an eight-day nap and when you wake up, you’re already good to go and ready take on the world.” Carmilla watched the smile slip from Laura’s face as their eyes met once again. There it was; the complete confusion and lack of recognition that she’d seen just a few moments earlier.

“My name is Laura. I think we’re a little too new to one another for friendly nicknames. And again, who are you? Are you a nurse here or were you somehow involved in the accident?”

 _This must be what if feels like to have an anvil crush your chest,_ Carmilla thought, watching Laura reach for Sherman’s hand and pull him closer, almost as if she was trying to put more obstacles between her and Carmilla.

“Laura, sweetie, what are you talking about?” The obvious panic was lying just under the surface in Perry’s voice.

“Yeah, L, don’t you recognize Carmilla?”

“Carmilla? Who’s Carmilla?”

_Fuck._

* * *

_**Present** _

Carmilla watched for another minute, before collecting the courage to quietly step into the room. Sherman was the first to notice her, her eyes meeting his and glimpsing something akin to hope.

“Hey there, kid, we were wondering where you’d gotten off to.” She watched as the rest of the group turned towards her, their eyes all wide and expectant. Well, all except one pair that stared back at her, filled with confusion.

“Uh, yeah, sorry,” she mumbled, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her trademark leather pants. “I just needed a minute. And I wanted to call Mattie and Will to let them know what the latest news was. They’ve been worried so…” She looked around the group once more before finally landing on Laura, feeling her heart skip a beat at the sight of those beautiful honey eyes looking back at her. “How are you feeling?”

“Um… okay, I guess. Just still…” Laura trailed off, clearly trying to find the words.

“There there, it’s alright, Laura. Don’t worry, it’s all going to be fine,” Perry said, standing and placing a comforting hand on Laura’s shoulder. “This is Carmilla.”

 _Seriously?_ The introduction felt like a sucker punch right to her chest but she forced a soft smile to her face.

“Right. Carmilla. And you are…?”

“Um, she’s kind of your fiancée, Frosh.”

“What?!? No, that can’t be right. I’d remember if I had a fiancée! I’d remember if I’d promised to spend the rest of my life with someone! I’d remember that!”

“Sweetheart, calm down, it’s okay. We’re not sure why you can’t remember Carmilla, but the doctor said this sometimes happens. Just give yourself some time.”

“But how? How can I not remember something as important as that? I mean, how could I forget a major detail in my life like that? I don’t know her,” Laura said, her voice increasing in volume as she turned from one friend to the next, looking for an explanation. “I don’t know her at all. How did I meet her? How long have we been together? How did we get together? Where do we live? How did we get engaged? And how in the hell did **I** land **her**? I mean, come on, journalism nerds don’t get girls that look like that! There’s no way in hell I’m that lucky!”

Though it wasn’t exactly fun to hear, Carmilla had to smile at the last bit. _Typical foot in mouth disease Hollis._

“Believe it or not, I think I’m the lucky one,” she said quietly, smiling again when Laura finally met her eyes. The blush that colored the smaller girl’s cheeks reminded her of when they'd first met, and she felt her heart skip a beat at the sight. Taking a deep breath, Camilla realized that she needed to take the pressure off and calm Laura down. “Look, cupc-, I mean, Laura, it’s okay. I know you have a lot of questions and I’ll answer all of them for you. But maybe you should get some rest. It’s been a long day.” For once the tiny journalist kept her mouth shut and gave a slight nod after contemplating the suggestion. “We can talk tomorrow if that’s okay with you.”

“Okay, yeah. Tomorrow. Maybe… LaF and Perry could be here too?” Carmilla tried to shrug off the hurt the request left and just nodded softly at the suggestion.

“Of course. I’m sure the Bobbsey Twins can fit a Q&A into their schedule tomorrow.”

The group started to gather their things and leave the room, each sending Laura a soft smile and a good night as they passed.

“You get some rest. That’s an order young lady,” Sherman said, smiling and leaving a quick kiss on Laura’s forehead before exiting the room.

Carmilla watched the group make their way towards the elevators before turning back to her fiancée, surprised to see her staring back intently.

“Um, if you need anything… well, I’ll be around,” she said, realizing Laura might not be too keen to have a ‘stranger’ staying in the room with her while she slept. She was pretty sure that camping out on the chairs in the waiting room would leave her back in no worse condition than the chairs in Laura’s room had over the last week. Laura just nodded and pulled the blankets up to her chin with her good arm. “Goodnight, Laura.”

“Goodnight.” It was said so softly, Carmilla almost didn’t catch it. She smiled gently at Laura one last time before slowly trudging her way down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm so happy so many of you are interested in seeing where this story will go. I'm unable to stick to a definite schedule but am hoping to post at least once a week. Thanks again and let me know what you all think!


	3. Just One Look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura gets embarrassed, Danny and Carmilla bicker and LaF and Perry are... well LaF and Perry. 
> 
> A.K.A. Laura learns how a much younger version of herself met Carmilla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that italics are used for thoughts. I tried to make it a little more obvious when and were the flashbacks occur to help everyone along. 
> 
> This chapter definitely turned out longer than I anticipated but I just couldn't find a good spot to split it up. Again, any mistakes are mine and I apologize in advance.

_Ugh, worst coffee ever,_ Carmilla thought as she swallowed the mouthful of sludge with a grimace. After a week of attempting to stomach the disgusting liquid, you would think she’d have known better than to continue to consume the hospital's coffee, but desperate times…

She stared out the window at the view overlooking the city from her seat in the corner of Laura’s room, the sun having only risen a few minutes earlier. It wasn’t the most impressive city view she’d ever seen, but Silas had become home and, therefore, had a certain beauty and charm to it that she’d never expected to find when she moved there a decade ago. In fact, the city itself had zero impact on her decision to move there. It was more what the local Silas University offered in the way of some of the best art and photography classes available. Well, that and the added bonus that it had pissed her mother off royally that she was bucking expectations, and making her own path.

Of course, her choice of university wasn’t the first time she’d upset or disappointed her mother. In fact, the list had gotten so long she'd stopped keeping track of all of her ‘wrongdoings’ since the adoption was finalized when she was twelve. She’d always been somewhat of a strong-willed and rebellious child, which was the main reason she was so surprised that after years of bouncing from one foster home to another, she’d actually been chosen by the wealthy, powerful Lilita Morgan. She’d expected to stay in the system until she aged out seeing as no one ever wanted her around any longer than necessary, but when Lilita officially took her out of the last filthy state-run home, she realized she wouldn’t have to spend any more time worrying about the bigger kids taking her few meager possessions, sleeping on an old worn out cot, or wondering where her next meal was coming from.

Being adopted by Lilita had its perks; her own room for starters, which she’d never had before, filled with anything she could ever think to ask for. Also, the best education money could buy with lessons on any and all subjects she might find interesting, ranging from languages to arts to music. And, finally, two older siblings, who’d also been adopted, that she could spend time with and escape the loneliness she’d grown so accustomed to. Will was only a year old than her and had been part of the Morgan clan only six months when she showed up. He was inherently a complete goof yet utterly charming at the same time, always up for whatever mischievous plan the two of them could concoct, and using his natural charisma to get them out of trouble when they were inevitably caught. Though he was nearly as rebellious as Carmilla, he’d actually decided to play along when it came time for him to go to school. After all, deep down, he’d always been a mama’s boy.

While her relationship with Will was fun and playful, it was her sister Mattie who became her best friend. The two had their differences like any siblings sure, but also a deeper understanding of each other, having gone through the same hardships in their early years. Mattie was just as headstrong as Carmilla and like Carmilla, chose to do things her own way after she left the comforts of the Morgan estate at eighteen. Not that the road had been easy but after putting in her time as the low man on the totem pole, she’d spent years working her way up, and now successfully ran her own fashion line, traveling the world, showing her designs, and gaining fame she’d never dreamed of.

With Will in New York in the middle of a high profile corporate case and Mattie currently in Paris for a prominent show, Carmilla was feeling the distance and loss even more since Laura’s accident. Though giving Laura a hard time was second nature to both her siblings, Carmilla knew they cared about the tiny journalist, and were very worried about what might happen. Mattie had actually been speechless for the first time ever when Carmilla explained that Laura had no memory of her or their life together. Will didn’t have much more to say beyond how sorry he was that she was in the situation.

Lost in her thoughts, Carmilla took another sip from the Styrofoam cup in her hand and almost gagged at the acrid taste.

“Ugh, Jesus!” She turned away from the window, intent on dumping the coffee out when she noticed a pair of honey brown eyes staring at her. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t. I’ve been awake for a few minutes,” Laura said, not breaking eye contact. “Have… have you been here long?”

“Oh, um, no not long,” Carmilla fibbed. Laura didn’t need to know that she’d ducked back in at around three in the morning after being unable to sit still in the waiting room any longer. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Okay, I guess. My arm kind of hurts. And my ribs but I guess that’s to be expected, huh?”

“Yeah,” Carmilla said with a small smile, standing and taking a hesitant step towards the hospital bed. “Um, can I get you anything?”

“No, I think I’m okay,” Laura answered, attempting to find a more comfortable position in the narrow bed. “Are the others here?”

“No,” Carmilla said, trying not to let herself deflate at the question. “But they probably will be soon. Your dad’s been showing up usually around eight or so. And LaF and Perry are always never too far behind.”

“Never too far behind what?” Perry asked as she and LaFontaine breezed into the room, their hands full of what appeared to be breakfast. “Good morning, Laura.”

“Hey, Frosh! Good to see you awake, though I have to say it is weird to see this one up before noon,” LaF said, handing Carmilla a fresh cup of delicious smelling caffeine. “I got you a double shot.”

“Oh, bless you, mad scientist,” Carmilla said, taking a sip and moaning at the taste.

“Are you not a morning person?” Laura asked, accepting Perry’s help to sit up further on the bed.

“Carmilla’s not any anything person,” LaF offered, taking one of the vacant chairs in the room.

“LaFontaine, we talked about this last night and this morning. We’re here to be helpful, remember?” Perry scolded as she fluffed Laura’s pillows.

“You’re in trouble…” Carmilla sing-songed with a smirk before turning back to Laura. “And no, not a morning person. But I’ve been getting better over the last few years. Less noon, more ten o’clock. You um… you like that better. You like when we can spend the day together.”

Laura just nodded, seeming to absorb the new information but still unsure. The group settled in, LaF and Carmilla each grabbing one of the decadent baked goods out of the bags the gingers had brought with them, while Perry went off in search of Laura’s hospital issued breakfast. She returned a moment later with a tray of yogurt, oatmeal, and juice, an encouraging smile on her face.

“Now, I know this isn’t exactly your typical Chokoa Crunch and hot cocoa, but you need to keep your strength up,” Perry said as she fussed about.

“It’s okay, Per. I’m actually kind of hungry this morning, so this is fine,” Laura said, cautiously eyeing the tray and then pouting as she caught a glimpse of the freshly baked chocolate croissant in Carmilla’s hand. The dark-haired girl just smirked after catching the pout and placed the still warm pastry in front of Laura with a wink.

“Thanks,” Laura said bashfully, avoiding eye contact as she picked up the pastry and took a huge bite. “Oh my god, Per, these are almost as good as yours,” Laura said, moaning around the buttery bread. Carmilla chuckled at the noise, causing the blush on Laura’s cheeks to deepen. She took another bite before turning back to the three visitors, brushing the crumbs from her hands. “So… um…” She finally met Carmilla’s eyes and frowned. “We’re engaged?” Carmilla just nodded, taking another sip of her espresso and taking her turn to avoid Laura’s gaze.

How was she supposed to have this conversation?

“So, then how long have we known each other?”

“Well, we met at the start of your second year at Silas, so about seven years now. You were nineteen, I was twenty.” Carmilla watched as Laura’s mouth dropped open in shock.

“Seven years?!? How am I missing seven years?” Using her good hand, Laura gripped the railing of the bed, her knuckles turning white under the pressure. “That’s crazy! That’s insane! How the hell is this even possible? I mean, seven years, that’s almost a quarter of my life. How can it just be gone? How can I-”

“Hey! Laura, calm down. It’s okay,” Carmilla said, reaching out and placing a comforting hand on Laura’s knee for a moment before realizing what she was doing and pulling away as if she’d been burned. “Look, whatever you want to know, just ask, okay? It’s all going to be fine. You just… you need to trust me, ok?” Carmilla’s eyes begged her to listen, racking her brain for any way to comfort the smaller girl without making her feel any more distressed.

“Laura, sweetie, why don’t you just finish your breakfast. Then we can talk, okay?” Perry chimed in.

Laura just nodded, looking down at the tray of food in front of her. Carmilla watched for a moment, knowing exactly what the tiny brunette was thinking.

“Don’t say you’re not hungry anymore,” she said, as she stood, smirking at the shocked expressing that came to Laura’s face. “I’m going to go check in with the nurses. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Walking out of the room, she smiled again at the pouting groan she heard coming from behind her, and headed towards the nursing station. Seeing two of the familiar aids standing there she pointed towards Laura’s room, asking if someone could check in, and kept walking further down the hall. Reaching the waiting room, she pulled her phone from her pocket and quickly sent off a couple quick texts to Mattie and Will, and an email to her agent that the upcoming shoot scheduled for this weekend would need to be put off until she was sure Laura was okay, and safely home. It was a small shoot, JP should easily be able to work something out for a later date.

That done, Carmilla turned and headed back towards Laura’s room, catching a thumbs up from the aid that had gone to check on Laura as she passed. Stopping near the doorway, she heard the trio inside apparently in deep conversation.

“What do mean, L?”

“I just am beyond overwhelmed at this. It’s unreal. It just feels like someone is pulling a prank on me or something. Seven years and a beautiful fiancée that I have no recollection of. It’s just unbelievable.”

“It is difficult. But remember, this may not be permanent, dear. For all we know, you’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will come back to you.”

“But… what if it doesn’t? I mean, who is she, how did I meet her, how did we end up together, how-”

“Frosh, stop!” LaF said, apparently unable to keep their chuckle in. “Look, we’ll have story time from now until you remember if that's what you want. In the meantime, just know this is all very real, no one’s pranking you. Look, seven years ago, you were in the middle of the biggest crush ever on Danny and she didn’t see you as anything more than a buddy. And then you met Carmilla. And while the bad seed doesn’t exactly fit into the Scooby Gang, she’s crazy about you and would do anything for you. She’s a good one, L.” Carmilla was actually taken aback by the comment from the bio major. Though she’d spent countless hours with Laura’s friends over the years and LaF was by far her favorite in the gang of misfits, though she loathe to admit it, she secretly always thought that they’d prefer Laura with someone else. That they thought Carmilla wasn’t good enough. “She’s great. Just be patient and give her a chance.” Carmilla took a moment to ponder that advice, hoping Laura would listen, and realizing she needed to be patient also. Taking a deep breath, she stepped back into the room, taking back the seat she’d vacated only ten minutes ago.

“Alright, how you coming on that oatmeal?”

“I think I’ve eaten all I can,” Laura said, pushing away the mostly empty tray. “So, maybe we can talk now?”

“Sure. We can talk. Where do you want to start?” Carmilla asked, taking the last sip of her espresso.

“Well, maybe the beginning. How did we-”

“Hey, sweetheart! How’re you feeling today?” Sherman asked all smiles. Carmilla smirked as she watched Laura’s hopeful face fall in frustration for a moment before painting on a smile for her dad. _Poor kid just can't catch a break._

“Maybe we can do this later?” Carmilla suggested, standing and heading towards the door. “Go ahead and catch up with your dad. I’ll be back in a little while.” She had to admit she took a little bit of pleasure at the small look of disappointment she saw in Laura’s eyes. _Soon, Cupcake, soon._

* * *

Carmilla readjusted herself in the hard plastic chair, watching the news ticker crawl by silently on the TV in the waiting room. Laura’s room had been a hive of activity all day with the nurses and doctor coming in and out to do checkups, friends stopping and going with well wishes, and Laura herself frequently nodding off as her body continued to try and heal.

Carmilla tried to stay close but wanted to give the tiny girl her space, hoping to not overwhelm her any more than she already was. She’d been popping in and out of the room throughout the day, every time seeing Sherman sitting steadfastly at Laura’s side. She understood his desire to stick around. After all, she was just as eager to spend time with Laura. It was probably for the best that she not push for any alone time though. She didn’t think Laura was ready for that.

It was after six when Perry came looking for her in the waiting room, apparently on a mission.

“Laura’s asking after you. Do you want to come in for a bit?”

“Is it still crowded as hell in there?”

“No, Kirsch and Danny took Laura’s dad for a bite to eat, and Laura just woke up from her nap. LaFontaine and I thought it might be a good time to answer some of her questions.” Carmilla just nodded, standing and following Perry down the hall, her joints cracking along the way.

_Damn these hospital chairs._

“Look who I found.” Perry’s chipper voice was a stark contrast to everything about the hospital, but for once, Carmilla appreciated Betty Crocker’s positivity. She took the seat Sherman had been bogarting the whole day and smiled at her love. Laura for her part smiled back and for the first time, didn’t seem to shy away. _Progress I suppose._

“Alright, L, we’re all here once again and I’d say we’ve got a few minutes before any more visitors come barging in. What do you want to know? What do you want us to tell you about?”

“Well, I guess, maybe we could just start at the beginning? How exactly did we meet?” she asked, her eyes still on Carmilla.

The dark-haired girl smirked once more, settling back more comfortably in her chair.

“I guess that’s as good a place as any other.” Turning to LaF and Perry, she let out a small chuckle. “You guys want to kick this one off?”

“With pleasure,” LaF said, rubbing their hands together with a grin.

* * *

  ** _Seven Years and One Month Earlier_ **

Walking into the crowded bar that Saturday night, Laura was immediately taken aback by the incredibly loud music and the throngs of people, mostly women, taking up almost every available inch in sight. Anxiously she grabbed on to the back of LaF’s military jacket, thankful that her two best friends had agreed to come with her when Danny insisted she come by the annual Summer Society Autumn Mixer.

“This is slightly overwhelming,” she heard Perry call from behind her. “How are we supposed to find Danny in the middle of all these ruffians?”

“There she is. Thank god she’s so damn tall,” LaF said, pointing to the redhead near the bar, towering over the majority of the other patrons. Laura glanced in the direction and felt herself immediately beaming at the sight of her tall friend.

She’d had a crush on Danny for the last year now, finding everything about the athletic girl beyond intriguing. They’d met in Laura’s freshman lit class where she’d spent every period paying more attention to the redheaded TA than she did the actual material being presented. Though they’d formed a friendship outside of class, Laura had been hoping and hinting for more for months now, but as of yet, Danny hadn’t taken the bait.

The three sidled up to the bar, catching Danny’s eye as they did. Smiling, she made her way over to them, bringing a thousand watt grin to Laura’s face as she wrapped an arm around the smaller girl’s shoulders.

“Finally! I’m so glad you guys made it. This is by far the best Summer’s mixer we’ve had in years.”

“It looks like quite the turnout,” Perry said, looking every bit as uncomfortable as she sounded.

“It’s awesome! We’re totally going to drum up so much interest in the Summer Society after this night. We’ll have our pick from the best athletes on campus. We’re going to crush the Zeta’s at the upcoming winter triathlon!” Her excitement was infectious and Laura felt herself laughing along, feeling her stomach flutter when Danny smiled back at her, and squeezed her shoulder. “So, you guys are here, what’re you drinking?”

“Um, whatever you’re having is fine I’m sure.”

“Hey, Vampira!”

Laura turned toward where Danny was signaling for the bartender and froze. Standing there in black leather pants and a tight gray tank top was the most beautiful girl Laura had ever seen. And considering that was the thought that crossed her mind as she stood next to the girl she had the biggest crush on in the world, that was saying something.

“God, I hate this bartender, she always ignores me. She’s got like every lesbian, bi-sexual, and possibly questioning girl within fifty miles flocking here to stare at her. Personally, I don’t see the appeal but she’s really not my type anyway,” Danny said.

Laura watched the dark-haired bartender mixing drinks with an effortless flair, charming and captivating everyone standing near the bar. It was kind of overwhelming that someone could be that fascinating and hold so much appeal from afar, but that was a thought Laura would dissect later. Then and there, she was just focused on how it was becoming harder and harder to keep from drooling all over herself and forming a puddle at her feet.

A moment later, she felt her face heat up from an overwhelming blush at being caught staring when the girl looked her way, their eyes meeting. She looked away for a moment, hoping to collect herself before looking back up, surprised to find the dark-haired girl still staring at her and slowly walking her way.

“Thirsty, sweetheart?” That voice… Laura felt her knees shutter as it reached her ears. Never had a voice been so appealing to her. Floundering, she continued to stare as the bartender leaned forward across the bar, smirking at her, her eyes holding an intensity that Laura had never seen before. “I’d be happy to get you whatever you want.”

“Just get us four more gin and tonics. And don’t forget the lime this time,” Danny said from somewhere behind her. Laura had lost track and, honestly, didn’t care at this point. The bartender continued their staring contest, her sly grin growing just the tiniest bit the longer it went on. “Hey! Seriously! Come on, Morticia, I’m a paying customer here.”

“Oh my god, Xena, you **have** got to take it down a notch. Or ten.” Laura watched the girl finally look away and completely change her facial expression from one of flirtation to complete annoyance as she looked at Danny.

“Just give us the four drinks.”

“Oh, make that three. I’ll stick with water,” Perry said quickly. “I’m driving.”

“Alright, three gin and tonics and one water for Susie Homemaker.”

“Why don’t you just do your job and make the drinks. We don’t want to listen to your running commentary.”

“Maybe you don’t but why not let the normal sized people make up their own minds,” she said, quickly filling the glasses with ice. Laura couldn’t help the quiet giggle that escaped her at the back and forth banter. Apparently, this girl could hold her own against Danny. Of course, everyone heard it and she quickly attempted to cover it up with a fake cough. Danny just looked irritated but the bartender smiled up at her before going back to mixing the drinks.

With her attention elsewhere, Laura took the opportunity to peruse further. This girl really was the most gorgeous creature to ever walk the face of the earth and, noticing the flocks of other eyes doing the same thing she was, she realized just how out of her league the bartender was. So why did the girl keep looking up to catch her eye?

“Here you go, three gin and tonics and a virgin.”

“Just put it on my tab, fang face.”

“I’ll put yours on your tab but her's is on me,” she said, nodding to Laura and smiling.

“I said I’d pay for it!”

“And I said don’t bother. I want to buy the pretty girl a drink. You’re not going to stop me.”

Laura watched the exchange, completely enthralled and, wait! _Did she just call me pretty?_

“Hey, Lawrence! We got an issue over here.” The trio turned to another girl Laura recognized from the Summers. “A couple of Zetas are out front and it's becoming a problem. Let’s go.”

“Damn Zetas. Alright, Elsie, just a second, I’ll be right there,” Danny said before sending one last scathing glance at the bartender and walking away.

“It must be so hard to be that uptight all the time.” Laura turned towards the voice, surprised that the bartender was leaning further across the partition than before. “Are you two… together?”

_Holy Hufflepuff, she’s talking to you! Alright, Laura, just relax and play it cool._

“Together?” she squeaked. “Danny and I? No, we’re just friends. Good friends but that’s it. She was my lit TA last year and we kind of bonded over Sherlock Holmes and some other geeky stuff, and now we just hang out. We watch a lot of Veronica Mars and Doctor Who. I mean she’s great. Fantastic even but no, we aren’t a couple.” The girl’s smirk grew more and more amused the longer Laura rambled, making her realize just how ridiculous she sounded. _Ugh, wrap it up, Hollis._ “So, yeah. Not together.” The girl nodded once, looked her up, and down and stepped back.

“Good to know,” she said, smiling once more before walking away towards a blonde, practically spilling out of her top and apparently very eager for some attention.

 _G _r_ eat. Just freaking great. Ugh, dammit! _Sighing, she turned towards LaF and Perry, noticing a matching peculiar look on both of their faces as she did.

“What? What’s wrong?” Her friends glanced at each other for a moment before looking back at her and shrugging.

“Nothing, crushes on bartenders.”

“LaFontaine, really! It’s nothing, sweetie. Why don’t we just take our drinks and try to find somewhere to sit.” She nodded and followed her friends to a dark, back corner where she spent the rest of the night, nursing her drink and then the melted ice, watching as every single patron in the place alternated between vying for the hot bartenders attention or attempting to impress one of the Summer Society members in hopes of getting an invitation. It wasn't the best, but at least the view was nice.

* * *

**_Five Days Later_ **

The following Thursday Laura took her seat in the middle of the lecture hall, already dreading the next hour of her life. Art History was supposed to be an easy elective that she could breeze through, however, the droning professor found it impossible to stay on topic, leading her to be unable to grasp any of the concepts he expected the class to learn. Looking over her notes from the previous lecture, she sighed, unable to make heads or tales of what she’d scribbled down. The upcoming test that week was going to be a disaster. She flipped to a blank sheet as Professor Vordenberg walked in and immediately began flip-flopping between Rembrandt, Delacroix, and something about his great affair with the Grand Duchess Anastasia. She really hoped that wasn’t going to be on the test. Thirty minutes later, and having completely lost track of what Vordenberg was talking about, she found herself glancing around the room. Most of the students looked just as lost and uninterested as she was. Some were staring into space, some nodding off for a midday nap, others apparently using this as a study session for another class.

Looking towards the back corner, she immediately felt her cheeks heat up when she recognized a familiar face. It was the bartender from the past weekend.

 _Oh crap!_ She immediately turned back to her notes, which were nothing but scribbles and doodles. The bartender was in her Art History class. The incredibly hot bartender was in **her** Art History class!

She turned back, feeling her cheeks redden even further when she noticed the dark-haired girl staring back at her, that confident smirk, that she was really beginning to find very attractive, firmly in place. Unable to look away she watched as the girl lifted one suggestive eyebrow at her. Quickly turning back to the front of the lecture hall, she attempted to slow her breathing that she hadn't even realized had sped up. She tried to focus back on the nonsensical notes in front of her but noticed the others around her packing up. The class was over. Closing her notebook, she nonchalantly turned back to the corner but the dark-haired girl was gone. Sighing, she shoved her things into her backpack and made her way towards the exit.

“Hey, Frosh, over here!” She found LaF and Perry waiting for her across the way from her class near the best coffee cart on campus. Shrugging her backpack on, she dodged a few other Silas students, clearly not paying attention as they walked through arts building.

“So how was class?” Perry asked as she reached them, nonchalantly picking a piece of lint of Laura’s shoulder. “Any better today?”

“No, it was miserable,” Laura whined. “I literally cannot follow a word he says. He jumps from one topic to the next with no segues and keeps intermingling details on his personal life that have absolutely nothing to do with art history. I swear, I only took this elective because I thought it was going to be fairly easy, but I’m going to end up failing and having to retake the class or find a new elective. It’s a complete waste of time.”

“Well, not entirely,” a sultry voice chimed in from behind her. She froze. She knew that voice. She’d spent the better part of the last few days replaying it over and over in her mind. Slowly, she turned around, suddenly realizing how childish she felt in her animal print sweater and wishing she owned cooler clothes. There she was, even more beautiful than Laura remembered.

“Leather-clad bartender!” LaF chimed in with a smile before getting back to the topic at hand. “Wait, not entirely what?”

“It’s not entirely a waste of time. I mean, I get a lot of drawing time in during those lectures. The kid who normally sits a few rows down from me with the mohawk is always a great subject. His anti-establishment t-shirts alone give me hours of inspiration.”

“Oh, are you in the class as well?” Perry asked. “How are you faring with the material?”

The dark-haired girl quirked an eyebrow at Perry’s overly proper manner before motioning for the group to step up further in the diminishing coffee line.

“It’s not bad but that’s only because I’ve already studied most of this stuff. I just need the credit on my transcript at this point.”

“Well, Laura’s been having a devil of a time with it. Would you ever consider tutoring?”

Laura quickly shot Perry a look that she hoped conveyed her thoughts perfectly: Shut up right now or I will be forced to murder you.

“Hey, yeah, that’s a great idea, Per,” LaF agreed, no more noticing the death look Laura was now throwing their way than Perry did a moment earlier. “How about it, biker boots? Think you could help L here?”

Laura watched the dark-haired girl look back and forth between her friends, clearly trying to decide if this was a joke or not, and desperately looked for a hole to crawl into for a week until her embarrassment was a manageable level. Finally, the other girl looked at her and smirked, clearly noticing the pink hue on her cheeks.

“I think we could work something out.”

“Fantastic! There you are, Laura. You have someone to help out with the material,” Perry exclaimed, clearly thrilled about the match before turning and stepping up to the coffee cart, finally able to place her order.

With her friends clearly sidetracked by their choice of beverage, Laura turned back to the other girl, fully intent on apologizing for their antics, but found herself cut off before she could speak.

“So… when do you want to... study?” Was she hearing things or was there a suggestiveness lying under that question.

“Um, well, you know you don’t have to do this. I mean, I appreciate it, really. But you don’t have to take time out of your schedule to help me.”

“When do you want to study?”

Yep, definitely a suggestive tone there. Of course, it didn’t help that the other girl was sporting a look like she was about to eat Laura alive. Would that really be such a bad way to go though?

“Well, um, I guess we could meet up. I’m free tomorrow night. I mean, if you are. I’m sure you have better plans than helping a babbling idiot learn about the differences between Baroque and Neoclassical on a Friday night. We can meet another time if you want. Anytime really. I mean since you’re doing me a favor, who am I to say-”

“Cupcake!” The chuckle that left the other girls lips left her weak in the knees. “Tomorrow night is fine. Here,” she said, reaching out and taking Laura’s hand in her own. The feeling of skin on skin sent Laura closer to the edge of sanity than she cared to be at this moment. She watched as the other girl uncapped a pen and gently scribbled something gently on the back of her hand. “Just text me what time and where.”

Laura looked down at the back of her hand, seeing the neat script marring her creamy skin.

**Carmilla 555-926-6234**

When she looked up, the dark-haired girl was still smirking at her, clearly aware of the effect she was having. Giving Laura one final raise of an eyebrow (how did she do that by the way!), she moved past her to give her order to the bored looking barista at the cart.

“Here you go, L,” LaF said, handing her a cup of hot chocolate and pulling her down the hallway. “Chocolatey goodness and a tutor. Things are looking up, eh?”

“Oh they certainly are,” Laura said, glancing back and watching for a moment as Carmilla walked away. Those pants should be illegal.

* * *

_**Present** _

“So, that’s how we met? You hit on me at a bar and then my friends got you to tutor me for that awful Vordenberg class?”

“First of all, I did not hit on you. I used my incredibly charming wiles to entice you. And then, yes your friends got me to tutor you, which I was more than happy to do since I wanted to see you again, but you’d left the bar before I could get your number. And secondly, don’t judge the story. You take great pleasure in telling that story to whoever will listen when they ask how we met.”

“I wasn’t judging the story.” Laura smiled softly, staring down at her fingers playing along the edge of the blanket. “It’s a good story. So did we start dating after that?”

“I think that’s enough stories for tonight, pumpkin,” Sherman said from the doorway. The group turned, having not even noticed him there. “It’s late and you should get some rest.”

Carmilla turned towards the clock on the wall and noticed just how late it had gotten. She hadn’t even realized it, so caught up in helping LaF and Perry tell the anecdote.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Laura said, suppressing a yawn. “But, you two… you guys talk about it like you knew I was already interested in Carmilla.”

“We did. You were totally freaking out the rest of the afternoon and all of the next day about what to wear and how it would go and what you would do if you stuck your foot in your mouth. Not to mention the fact that before all of that happened, you spent the entire night at the bar staring at her. We couldn't get your attention to save our lives. Danny even came over and tried talking to you, and you completely blew her off."

“It was incredibly obvious, sweetie.”

Carmilla laughed as Laura blushed once again and attempted to avoid eye contact. As she settled further into the bed, the group grabbed their things, intent on leaving the room for the night, each saying goodbye, and promising to be back the next day.

“If it’s any consolation, I already knew I was interested in you before I offered to help you study,” Carmilla said quietly, stopping just short of walking out the door. She watched as Laura finally looked up at her and smiled shyly.

"Thanks, Carmilla."

"Anytime." _Cutie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again everyone for your feedback! I hope everyone is still enjoying the story. Let me know what you all think, please!!!


	4. I Can Think of Something Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Laura's a nervous wreck, Carmilla's a flirtatious little shit and LaF and Perry take a lesson from Sherman's handbook on parenting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that italics are used for thoughts and flashbacks are clearly set up with their time frame.
> 
> This is another long chapter but once again, there really wasn't a good spot to split it. Again, any mistakes are mine and I apologize in advance.

Laura squirmed in the chair, bored out of her mind, wishing she at least had a book to read or something. She’d woken up early that morning, completely fed up with the hospital and the bed she’d been confined to for over a week. She’d gotten up carefully, hoping to avoid the pain in her ribs or the stretch of the stitches across her abdomen, and padded her way out of the room and into the hallway, surprised when the unfamiliar nurse on staff immediately shooed her back into her room with a glare. She’d looked at the bed in distaste and decided against climbing back in, opting instead for the plush chair one of the nicer members of the staff had dropped off the night before after everyone had left.

She was surprised that she was alone when she woke up. It was the first time she hadn’t seen Carmilla nearby and the thought made her feel a little lonely. Not that she needed the dark-haired girl there. After all, she barely knew her. But she’d gotten used to her presence. It was calming and though unfamiliar, it was still nice and somehow comforting.

 _She must’ve finally gone home and taken a break._ Home? Laura wondered briefly where that was. She assumed it was the same place she called home. But despite how hard she tried, she just couldn’t conjure up an image.

It was a little over an hour later, still sitting in that chair and gazing out her window at the rapidly turning autumn leaves, that a soft knock on the door caught her attention. There stood Carmilla, looking as gorgeous as ever… _Wait gorgeous? Whoa, slow down there, Hollis._

“What are you doing up and out of bed?” Carmilla walked further into the room, a Styrofoam cup in each hand.

“I needed to get up for a bit,” she answered with a shrug. “I’m honestly starting to go a little stir crazy, I think.”

“Well, I have some possibly good news then,” Carmilla said as she sat down and handed Laura one of the cups, putting a finger to her lips to indicate that the contents were smuggled in. Laura just smiled her thanks before taking a small sip of the hot cocoa with whipped cream, just the way she liked it. She hummed happily and nodded for Carmilla to continue. “I saw your doctor just now. He’s very impressed with your recovery so far and said that if all goes well today, there’s no reason you can’t be out of here by tomorrow.”

“Really? Even with the busted ribs and stuff?”

“They’re healing. And as long as you have someone helping to change your bandages for a few more days before the stitches come out from your surgery, he said it should be fine. You don’t live alone so that’s helping your case.”

“I don’t live alone,” Laura repeated, realizing she’d just been having similar thoughts.

“Yeah, well…” Carmilla trailed off, looking uncomfortable and avoiding eye contact. “I mean, you and I… well, we kind of…”

“I assumed. I mean, we’re engaged and all, right?”

“Right.” Laura watched the dark-haired girl play with the label on her cup, obviously unsure of what else to say or do. Laura’s heart clenched at the sight, hating that this stupid amnesia wasn’t only hurting her. Unable to help herself, she reached out and placed a comforting casted hand on Carmilla’s forearm. The other girl looked up, surprise evident in her eyes.

“Well, that’s good. I’m happy I get to leave.” She watched a small smile take form on Carmilla’s face and felt herself go a little lighter at the sight.

“Me too, cup-, I mean, me too, Laura.” The two briefly smiled at each other before Laura retracted her hand, each nervously taking a sip of their drink.

* * *

It was a few hours later when Carmilla found herself in the same position she’d found Laura in that morning. _Damn, why did no one think to bring this chair in when I was sleeping in here every night,_ she thought, briefly adjusting herself and setting down the book she’d been reading. She looked up and saw Laura was still asleep, having finally climbed back into the narrow hospital bed only an hour earlier. She’d insisted on staying up and visiting with her dad, and then all of her friends as the morning wore on and they’d filtered in, one by one. Thankfully, they’d all headed down to the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat, leaving her in peace for the first time in hours.

She studied the tiny brunette further for a moment. The cuts and scratches were mostly healed and the stitches in her face had been removed, leaving behind subtle pink scars that Carmilla had already memorized. Other than the small cast on her left arm and the super sexy hospital gown, you’d never know anything had happened. She just looked like Laura, sleeping. Studying her face further, Carmilla smiled at the tiny wrinkle she saw forming between Laura’s eyebrows, her face peaceful otherwise.

All morning she’d caught Laura staring at her out of the corner of her eye, her energy slightly reminiscent of the nervous bundle that Laura had been before they first started dating. She kept finding herself smiling at the memory. Or at least she did until Danny very bluntly asked her what the hell she was doing. _Always the buzzkill, Clifford,_ she’d thought before taking a break and leaving Laura to visit with the ginger squad.

“Why’d you make that face?” she heard Laura ask, her voice heavy with sleep. Looking back towards the bed, she realized the smaller girl was now awake, looking at her expectantly.

“What face?”

“You were all smiley and then all of sudden, it was like you drove through Frown Town.” Carmilla chuckled at the simile, always finding sleepy Laura’s metaphors to be entertaining.

“No reason. Just thinking about stuff.” She held the other girls stare, surprised when Laura didn’t immediately look away.

“Little nerd hottie! Carm-sexy! You guys are missing some awesome pudding in the cafeteria. They’ve even got the swirly kind.” Carmilla rolled her eyes, realizing her moment of peace was completely shattered as she watched everyone file back into the room.

“Beefcake, how many times do we have to tell you? Those nicknames suck. Knock it off!” Kirsch looked mildly confused for a moment before losing his train of thought completely as Danny pushed him out of the way, causing some of said pudding to topple out of the container, and onto his hand.

“Aw, come on, D-Bear! Watch it.” Carmilla smiled as Danny glared at him, but he missed the threatening look entirely, too intent on attempting to get the sticky goo off his fingers.

Carmilla moved to the corner and propped herself there, silently offering her chair to Sherman. She remained standing and silent, opening her book and continuing to read as the rest of the group chattered on with Laura for the next few hours, occasionally taking breaks and leaving the room for a few minutes at a time to stretch her legs and get rid of the claustrophobic feeling of having so many bodies in such a small space. It was a little after six when she came back to only Perry and LaF sitting with Laura, the trio laughing at one of their hundreds of inside jokes.

“Where are all your groupies?” she asked, plopping down in one of the many chairs available and using another to prop up her feet.

“Kirsch had a date, Danny had papers to grade, though I really don’t understand why she gives out essay homework. I mean she teaches gym.”

“Dedication. That’s what that is,” LaF joked, even while their face was completely serious.

“And I actually convinced my dad to go home early. I was hoping to talk to just you three again, if that’s okay?”

“Fine by me,” Carmilla said with an indifferent shrug, hoping she was successful in hiding the little thrill of knowing Laura didn’t mind her around.

“Laura was actually asking about you two… how you started studying together,” Perry said, smiling fondly at both girls. Carmilla laughed out loud, remembering the first night she’d shown up at Laura’s apartment. “We thought you could maybe help out with your side of the story.”

“I’m happy to tell my side but are you guys sure you want to tell yours? I mean, you two were almost as bad as Sherman.”

“Excuse me!”

“We were not!” Carmilla laughed again as the two immediately refuted her accusation, raising an eyebrow at Laura when she smiled along at her friends.

“It just so happens that we care for Laura very much and we were unsure of your intentions initially,” Perry said with a huff.

“Yeah, we were just looking out for L. Besides, the first time wasn’t our fault, she asked us to stay. It was after that when we were a little more reluctant to leave you guys alone. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t have good reason to second guess your motivation behind agreeing to tutor her. What with all the flirting and everything.”

“Hey! I was on my best behavior when I realized she really did want to study.”

“Wait, when you realized I really did want to study? What did you think I wanted to… oh!” Carmilla just shrugged, unable to keep the smirk off her face.

“See? This is exactly why you two needed babysitting the first few times you met up!”

“And why my bag never actually contained any textbooks in it during those first few sessions.”

“Alright, enough, all of you,” Laura interrupted, attempting to reign in her giggles, and avoid her stitches pulling any further. “Just start from the beginning.”

* * *

  ** _Seven Years and One Month Earlier_ **

“Laura, sweetheart, you need to calm down,” Perry said from her spot in the kitchen where she was arranging chocolate chip cookies on the fanciest platter she owned. “You’re going to end up wearing a hole in the floors if you don’t stop pacing.”

Laura rolled her eyes at the over exaggeration and continued striding back and forth, stopping every once in a while to tidy up a shelf or refluff a pillow, which was completely unnecessary as she’d cleaned the apartment top to bottom that morning, effectively ruining Perry’s plans for the afternoon.

“Seriously, what’s up with you, Frosh? Why are you so nervous?”

“I’m not nervous,” she squeaked, causing both of her ginger-haired roommates to look at her in disbelief. “I’m not! Why would I be nervous? It’s not like this is a date or something. Just two people studying together. Nothing to be nervous about there.”

“You sure? I mean, you did ask us to chaperone.”

“I did not! I just thought it would be better if the two of you were here.”

“Why? In case luscious in leather tries to put the moves on you?” LaF chuckled and ducked out of the way of the recently fluffed airborne pillow sent their way.

“No!” Laura sat down heavily on the couch with an indignant huff. “I don’t know this girl. Like at all. What if she’s like, a serial killer or a thief? What if she like came in here and tied me up to a chair or something?”

“No need to go into detailed fantasy land just yet, L. After all, this is only your first time studying together. Wait until like the third or fourth session before you bring out the heavy duty stuff.”

“LaFontaine!” Perry effectively ended the next words about to come out of Laura’s mouth, which if her face was any indication, were going to be pretty scathing. Putting on her full-blown, scolding mother stare, the other two roommates sat in their respective seats, looking thoroughly chastised. “We promised Laura we would stay here with her tonight. I understand her reluctance to be here alone with this girl. After all, she knows next to nothing about her, and erring on the side of caution is a good idea. So we’re going to sit here quietly and watch a movie while they study, and not bother them or intervene in any way unless Laura asks us otherwise. End of discussion.”

LaF rolled their eyes as Laura childishly poked her tongue out at them once Perry turned her back. That’d teach LaF to tease her mercilessly. Her inner victory dance was short lived though as a sharp knock on the door sounded throughout the apartment, effectively throwing her back into a nervous tizzy. She looked at her two roommates, getting an encouraging nod from Perry and a teasing grin from LaFontaine. She slowly stood and brushed her hands down the front of her clothes, which she’d admittedly spent an exorbitant amount of time worrying over earlier. There was no way she was getting caught in one of her animal print sweaters again tonight and had opted for a simple striped blue button up, rolled to the elbows and fitted jeans. Not the sexiest outfit, but then again, this was just a study session right? Though that hadn’t stopped her from curling the ends of her hair and putting on some subtle eyeshadow and lip gloss.

She looked back at her two friends one last time, getting an overly cheerful thumbs up from LaF and another supportive smile from Perry before opening the door, swallowing hard at the sight. Carmilla stood there, looking as amazing as ever, all in black as Laura had come to expect, her hair holding a slight wave, her makeup impeccable. _Those pants are going to be the death of me._

“Hi! Hey! Hi, Carmilla.” She heard a distinctly muffled giggle from behind her and rolled her eyes at just how high pitched her voice sounded. This night was going to kill her.

“Cupcake.” Laura blushed and stood to the side, holding the door open further, and motioning the other girl to enter. Never taking her eyes off the tiny bundle of nervous energy, Carmilla entered the apartment, her trademark smirk faltering a bit when she saw two other people standing within its walls.

“Carmilla! Lovely to see you again.” Perry’s chipper voice sounded throughout the open space, smiling welcomingly at the new arrival. “Please, come in, won’t you? Cookie?”

 _Oh god, strike me down now,_ Laura thought as she watched Perry offer Carmilla a cookie from the platter she’d just arranged, the dark-haired girl looking utterly confused at the situation.

“Um, thanks.”

“Chocolate chip are my specialty. They’re Laura’s favorite.” _Ugh, I’m never going to live this down. It’s like meeting the parents only worse._ Behind Perry, Laura watched as LaF nearly doubled over trying to keep their laughter inside. “Would you like some hot cocoa? I was just about to make some for everyone.” At this point LaF could no longer control themselves, letting a few rounds of giggles escape as Carmilla silently stared back at an overly helpful Perry, and Laura buried her face in her hands, her embarrassment beyond measurement at this point.

“Okay, okay, sorry about that,” LaF said after a moment, finally getting themselves under control. “Carmilla, hi, nice to see you again. I’m LaF and this is Perry. We weren’t formally introduced before.”

“Oh, of course! Where are my manners? Lola Perry.” LaF giggled again when Perry put her hand out for a formal handshake. Carmilla stared at the two for a moment before politely nodding and giving Perry a half-hearted shake.

“Sure. Nice to meet you guys.” Laura heard the hesitation in Carmilla’s voice and was honestly waiting for the dark-haired girl to turn and bolt out the door. She was more than surprised when instead, she looked up to see Carmilla looking back at her, amusement dancing in those dark brown eyes.

“Well, now that we’re all good friends, Per, why don’t you let go of Carmilla’s hand so she and Laura can get to work, and I’ll help you in the kitchen for anyone who actually wants cocoa.” Laura sent a grateful look towards LaF as they steered Perry away, giving the two girls ten feet of privacy.

“Sorry about that,” Laura said quietly, still having trouble holding eye contact. “They’re just… crazy.” She looked up, hearing the chuckle that left Carmilla’s mouth, feeling her stomach do a little flutter at the honest to goodness smile she saw there.

“No problem, cutie. I can handle a little crazy,” she said. Laura just smiled back and nodded.

“So, studying, us, art history. Um, do you want to study out here in the kitchen or…”

“Wherever you’re comfortable,” Carmilla answered, removing her messenger bag from her shoulder and taking her first bite of the chocolate chip cookie in her hand. She hummed in appreciation and then looked back up at Laura, waiting for an answer.

“Well, um, I guess the kitchen is fine. We can set up at the island.” Carmilla simply nodded and walked further into the apartment, setting her bag down and taking a seat at one of the stools in the kitchen. Laura followed, smiling her thanks at Perry who’d just sat two steaming mugs of cocoa down for them, and then followed LaFontaine to their shared bedroom. She took the other stool, realizing she probably should have suggested the table instead as her knee brushed against Carmilla’s thigh.

_Still better than studying in my room. Sitting on my bed would lead to nothing good at this point. Or all things good. Guess it depends on how you-_

“... Death of a Virgin is a great example of this.”

“What?!?” Laura turned to Carmilla, realizing she’d missed what the dark-haired girl was saying. Carmilla just laughed and leaned over, opening Laura’s textbook for her.

“We’re talking about the Baroque movement, Sundance. Caravaggio. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Oh! Oh, right, yeah. Death of a Virgin. Got it.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Carmilla smirk at her. _This is going to be a long night._

* * *

_**Two Weeks Later** _

“Come on, creampuff, you know this,” Carmilla said with a teasing smile. “The Stolen Kiss…”

“Ugh, Carmilla I can’t do this anymore! We’ve been at this for hours, my brain is fried,” Laura said, her voice muffled. The two sat on the floor of Laura’s living room, their books and notes spread across the coffee table in front of them. “Can’t we take a break? Just a little one?” She peered up from where her head rested across her forearms on the table, her eyes pleading. Carmilla just laughed and sat back, using the couch to lean against and stretching her limbs. Laura watched for a moment, enjoying the view.

They’d been studying together, twice a week for a few weeks now, and each time, Laura found herself becoming more and more intrigued by the mysterious Carmilla Karnstein. _Oh come on, you’re not ‘intrigued.’ You’re in full-on crush mode._

They usually spent half of their sessions actually going over the material from the last lecture and the other half, Carmilla would tease and flirt while Laura blushed and attempted not to say something completely stupid or embarrassing. She was proud to say her success rate was about fifty-fifty so far.

Admitting she found Carmilla unbelievable attractive had been easy, but acknowledging that she legitimately liked the other girl and wanted to get to know her had taken a little longer. And Carmilla was proving to be a hard shell to crack. Laura had been more than forthcoming about her personal life; living with Perry and LaF, who she’d met the year before in her dorm and who’d almost instantly become her best friends. She was originally from Toronto, an only child, where she’d grown up with an extremely overprotective dad, her mother having passed away when she was only four. She was an aspiring journalist, who’d just recently been accepted on staff at the Silas University Times and her knowledge of pop culture was apparently endless, as was her adorable dorkiness. But, as of yet, Carmilla had been pretty mum on any personal subject beyond her job at the bar, and the only reason Laura even knew anything about that was because she brought it up.

“Where’s ginger one and two tonight?” Carmilla asked pulling her out of her thoughts. This was the first night they’d studied together without constant interruptions from Perry making sure they had everything they needed and LaF trying to explain to Carmilla their latest experiment gone awry.

“They’re having a date night. I think they were doing dinner and a movie,” Laura answered, finally sitting up straight and leaning back against the couch as well, feeling a small thrill when her shoulder brushed Carmilla’s.

“How does that work for you? Living with a couple. You feel like you’re constantly third wheeling?”

“No, not at all actually. They kind of keep that part to themselves. Not that they’re ashamed of the relationship or anything. It’s just how they’re comfortable. When it’s the three of us, it’s just the three of us, friends.” Carmilla just nodded, looking around the room without really taking anything in. “What about you? Any roommates?”

“No.”

“How come?”

“Do I strike you as the type of person who plays well with others?” Laura giggled at the obvious statement. “I spent enough time sharing rooms with others when I was growing up. I’m all set on that front.”

“Lots of siblings?” _Maybe she’ll open up a little._

“Two.”

Laura stayed quiet for a moment, waiting for more but Carmilla seemed more fascinated with her cuticles than with the conversation. Sighing quietly in defeat, she leaned forward again, preparing to get back to cramming. She began reading through the notes Carmilla had helped her clean up during the last session, hating that the dark-haired girl’s reluctance to share hurt. She wasn’t asking for much, just a hint of something about the girl that had consumed her thoughts for weeks now.

“Mattie and Will.” Laura quickly turned back to Carmilla, her surprise clearly evident on her face. “They’re both older. Mattie is currently in New York, helping some designer I’ve never heard of with their line. They apparently were a hit at New York fashion week. And Will is in his fourth year at Stanford. He’s pre-law.”

Laura sat back again, angling her body towards Carmilla, hoping she’d continue.

“You guys are close?”

“I guess,” Carmilla said with a shrug. “I mean, yeah. We kind of grew up being all each other had.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re all adopted and my mother isn’t exactly the warmest woman. I mean, she wasn’t a bad parent or anything. Just, we never had family board game night or anything like that,” Carmilla said with a sardonic laugh. Laura reached out, taking Carmilla’s hand without thinking. The dark-haired girl looked up in surprise, clearly not expecting that. She smiled and squeezed Laura’s hand once before continuing to hold tight, clearly thankful for the attempted comfort. “I haven’t talked to her much over the last few years. Not that we ever had super meaningful discussions or anything. But she’s not happy with me or with my choices. I’m supposed to be in my third year at Columbia, according to her plan, not here at Silas. And since I’m not playing by her rules and following her plans for me, I’m kind of on my own.”

“So how are you paying for school?”

“Mostly scholarships. Some student loans. The job at the bar pays for my crappy apartment.”

“That’s really brave of you, you know? Not taking the easy road and following your heart.” Carmilla simply shrugged, her eyes locked on where Laura’s hand still rested in hers. Laura smiled at the sight, feeling those damn butterflies bloom in her stomach when Carmilla’s thumb began stroking softly across the back of her hand. _No, not now. She’s talking to you. Focus on that and not on how soft her hand is or how amazing her hair smells._

“So why art?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re an art major. Apparently, you gave up a life of privilege for it,” Laura teased. “Why’d you choose that?”

“Well, it was going to be Philosophy but I have to be able to make a living after graduation, right?” Laura laughed and continued to stare at the beautiful girl next to her. “I always loved art. Drawing, painting, photography. I don’t know, it just makes me happy.”

“Well, you’re really good.” That she could attest to having seen the drawings littering Carmilla’s notes every week when they met up.

“Oh really? How would you know, cupcake?” Laura blushed at the insinuation and turned away, unable to stop the smile from coming to her lips.

Apparently, they’d reached the flirtatious part of the session. To be honest, Laura had stopped counting how often Carmilla teased her during their first lesson. She’d found herself either blushing quietly or trying to avoid the attention, but this time, she found herself wanting to reciprocate.

“Well, I wouldn’t object to finding out,” she said, turning slightly to meet Carmilla’s intense gaze.

“Really? Hmm… Well, in that case…” Laura’s heart leapt into to her throat as Carmilla leaned forward, reaching up with her free hand and brushing a lock of hair behind Laura’s ear in a move that had the tiny brunette melting. Laura felt her eyes involuntarily flick down to Carmilla’s lips, taking in just how amazing they looked and realizing, not for the first time, just how much she wanted to taste them. She looked back up to Carmilla’s eyes, noticing the playful look there, and the subtle rise of an eyebrow as Carmilla moved her head a little closer.

“Hollis!” The persistent loud knocking on her apartment door immediately killed the moment, and she sighed, looking away towards the banging, only to look back and notice Carmilla not even looking at her. Frustrated and ready to kill the unexpected visitor, Laura got up and walked quickly to the door, opening it in a huff. Unfortunately, she didn’t get a chance to inflict any pain as Danny barged past her, apparently already in the middle of a tirade

“Where the hell have you been? Why haven’t you been answering your phone? I’ve been calling and texting you all night!”

“Um, I’ve been here, in my apartment, where I live. And I was busy. My phone’s been in my room all night, I haven’t even checked it. What’s the big deal?”

“I was worried. There’ve been fights all over campus and I know you somehow always have a knack for finding trouble. I thought… I was just worried.” Danny stared back at her, her shoulders sagging in defeat.

“Well, I’m fine, Danny, really. I’ve been here all night. So you don’t have to worry, okay?”

“Good, I’m glad,” the tall redhead said with a smile. “So, anyway, since I’m here, you want to order in and watch a movie?”

“Oh um… well, actually…” Laura trailed off, looking behind Danny to where Carmilla sat, watching the exchange. Following her line of sight, Danny turned, immediately frowning at the sight of the dark-haired girl.

“What the hell are you doing here, dead girl?”

“I could ask you the same thing about you, hulk. At least I was invited,” she said, standing up and moving towards the pair.

“Laura? What the hell’s going on?”

“Danny, Carmilla and I have been studying together.” Why did it feel to Laura like she was trying to cover her tracks at that moment?

“What? Studying together? For what? For how long?”

“My art history class and for a few weeks now. It’s not a big deal, we’re just studying, that’s it.” Out of the corner of her eye, Laura thought she saw Carmilla flinch at her words, but by the time she turned, the girl was composed, looking stoic and bored as usual.

“You couldn’t find anyone better to study with than her? Why didn’t you ask me?”

“Danny, what do you know about art history?” Laura asked incredulously.

“I can read a textbook, Laura.”

“Well, so can I but I needed help. Carmilla’s in the class and she offered. Kind of.”

“Oh, I’m sure she did.” Danny angrily turned from Laura to Carmilla, her voice continuing to rise in volume. “What, all those girls throwing themselves at you at the bar wasn’t enough? You had to go after someone a little more challenging? Did you give yourself a timeline on how long before you could get her into bed?”

“Danny! It’s not like that at all,” Laura cried, pulling the redhead’s attention back towards her. “Seriously, I needed help, Carmilla knows her stuff. That’s it, end of story. We are studying together, that’s all. There’s nothing more to this relationship.” _Oh god, why did I say that?_

“Look, I hate to break up the fight of the century between this great love affair, but I’m going to go.” Laura looked over to Carmilla, seeing the girl had already packed up her things and was heading for her jacket draped over one of the kitchen stools.

“Carmilla, you don’t have go.”

“Oh, I think I do, Laura.” _Ouch. Laura. Not cupcake or creampuff or poptart._ Laura again watched helplessly as Carmilla threw her messenger bag over her shoulder and turned towards the door.

“Well, okay, if you have to. But we’re still on for Tuesday night, right?”

“Sure.” _Okay, fix this Hollis. Come on. At least get her to look at you._

“Well, thanks again for coming.”

“That’s what tutors are for right?” Carmilla said as she opened the door and walked out without looking back.

_Shit._

* * *

**_Present_ **

“So I just let you leave? Just like that?” Laura cried indignantly. Carmilla just shrugged.

“Oh man. Danny was so mad when she found out you guys were spending time together. She hated it!” LaF said. “Almost as much as she hated it when you guys started dating.”

“Or when they first got serious.”

“Or when they got into the ‘I love you’ stage.”

Laura looked over to meet Carmilla’s eyes as Perry and LaF continued to riff off each other, looking for confirmation. Carmilla smiled softly and just shrugged once again.

“Excuse me,” a soft voice caught everyone’s attention from the doorway of the room. The group turned, noticing one of the kinder nurses standing there. “It’s getting late and we want to make sure Laura gets a good night's sleep before she’s discharged tomorrow.”

“Of course, we should get going anyway,” Perry said, standing and pulling on her jacket. “Sweetie, LaF and I both have some things to take care of tomorrow morning, so depending on when they let you go tomorrow, we may or may not see you until you get home, okay?”

“Sure, no problem. Thank you both for coming again. And for everything.” The two gingers smiled and quickly walked out of the room. Laura turned to Carmilla, who was gathering her things from the opposite corner. “Hey, can I ask you something?” She waited until Carmilla turned towards her, giving Laura her full attention. “Why?” she asked softly.

“Why what?”

“Why does Danny have such a problem with you?”

Carmilla sighed and looked down, scuffing the toe of her boot along the white linoleum floor. When she finally looked up, Laura saw something in her eyes that she couldn’t quite place. Fear? Apprehension? Anxiety?

“Danny has never and will never think I’m good enough for you,” Carmilla said, continuing to look away. “Apparently, when I started coming around was the same time that she was starting to reciprocate your feelings for her.” Carmilla paused and looked up, finally meeting Laura’s eyes, seemingly searching for something there. “I think everyone was kind of rooting for the two of you. Since you’d liked her for so long.”

“Oh.” Clearly, that wasn’t the answer Carmilla was hoping for as she quickly looked away again and went back to gathering her things.

Laura thought back to that first year at school and just how much she did like Danny at the time. She remembered that as clear as day. She also vaguely remembered when Danny did start to reciprocate those feelings, but by then it was too late, though the why behind that lateness was absent from the memory train. Of course, that made sense as the missing piece was Carmilla; the amazing girl who’d been by her side constantly over the last few days, offering encouragement and assistance with anything Laura needed, whether she asked for it or not. Carmilla just seemed to know. It seemed like she knew Laura better than anyone else. Laura was suddenly overwhelmed by just how grateful she was for the dark-haired girl, even if she couldn’t put their past puzzle together quite yet.

“Hey.” Carmilla turned back to her having packed up the last of her things. “I just want to say thank you. For being here through all of this and, well, just for everything. You’ve been really amazing and… well, I really appreciate everything.” Carmilla smiled softly and nodded, stepping towards the bed, stopping when she was only a foot away. “You’ll be here tomorrow when they release me, right?”

“I’ll be here.”

“I’m glad.” And Laura realized, she meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! The response to this has been awesome and I appreciate all of you.


	5. That Doesn't Mean You Mean That Much to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Carmilla's aloof, Laura's a goof, and we find out how they got from study buddies to something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that italics are used for thoughts and flashbacks are clearly set up with their time frame.
> 
> Any mistakes are mine and I apologize in advance.

The papers were signed, the instructions were in a bag, and Laura was still beet red from the nurse's demonstration for Carmilla on helping Laura change her bandages. Carmilla had honestly been so focused on the task, fearing she would mess something up and hurt Laura further that, she didn’t even notice the obvious blush until after Laura was fully dressed in the sweats and a loose hoodie that the dark-haired girl had brought with her that morning after quickly stopping at their house for a shower.

Of course, Sherman had stopped by to make sure everything was in order and ask the doctor a million and one questions earlier that morning before the discharge was final. Laura expected nothing less from her overprotective dad.  

“Mr. Hollis, I assure you, Laura is doing exceptionally well. She’s ready to go home. Just make sure she follows up with her regular physician.” With that, the doctor turned and walked away with a smile, clearly used to this kind of behavior from overzealous family members.

“I don’t know, sweetie,” Sherman said, turning towards his daughter, a frown firmly in place. “Are you sure you feel up to this? Going home is a big deal now.”

“Dad, I have to get out of this place before I completely lose it. The walls are starting to close in on me.”

“Alright, but I need you to promise me that you’ll call the first second anything happens. You promise right?”

“Yes, dad, I swear.”

“I wish I didn’t have to get back home but I promise I’ll be back as soon as everything is settled at work.”

“Dad, it’s fine,” Laura said, settling into the wheelchair that had been placed there only a few minutes earlier, already knowing being pushed out was the only way they’d let her leave. “You’ve already been here far too long anyway. You need to get back home and back to your normal life. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be alone.” She looked over her shoulder to where Carmilla stood nearby, reading over some of the instructions they’d been given for the fifth time, completely oblivious to the conversation. Sherman watched the interaction, clearly amused by both girls, but finally accepting the doctor and Laura’s words. When he leaned over to hug her tightly, she smiled brightly and thanked him once again, sincerely appreciating just how good he was to her. A moment later she smiled again, biting her lip to keep from laughing when he offered Carmilla an awkward one-armed hug, the clumsy, yet affectionate gesture clearly taking the dark-haired girl by surprise.

About thirty minutes later, with Sherman long gone, Carmilla wheeled her out the front doors of the hospital, and Laura lifted her head to the sunlight, basking in it's warmth for the first time in days. She felt Carmilla stop pushing the wheelchair and stood, thrilled to stretch her limbs in the early autumn air.

“Alright, you ready, Hollis?” Carmilla asked, loaded down with all the things they’d accumulated over the last week. Laura just nodded and stretched, walking towards the cab waiting at the curb for them, taking note that Carmilla was never more than half a step away.

“So I’m assuming my car is not exactly up to snuff for transportation right now,” Laura asked a few minutes later into the drive.

“Not exactly,” Carmilla answered, her gaze focused straightforward. “I talked to the insurance company the other day and it’s totaled.” Laura felt the frown taking over her face and panic in her chest. What was she going to do now? She opened her mouth to ask what she needed to do but Carmilla cut her off immediately. “Don’t worry, okay. I’m taking care of it. Once everything is settled down and paid for, we’ll go and get you a new one. Your little Civic had seen better days anyway. We’d actually been talking over the last few months about getting you into something different.”

“Oh. Well, I guess that’s something. Thanks for taking care of that,” Laura said quietly.

“Occupational hazard,” Carmilla answered just as quietly as she turned and looked out the window.

Laura turned back to her window and took notice of their surroundings as they drove through downtown Silas. Everything looked familiar, nothing out of place. She saw her favorite bakery with the best vanilla chocolate swirl cupcakes within a hundred mile radius. There was the café where she frequently spent hours working on some her best articles, all the while sipping on delicious surgary mochas. There was the pizzeria that she frequented with LaF, Perry and sometimes Danny on Wednesday nights when they were usually the only customers there.

 _But no Carmilla. She’s not in any of these places._ Why couldn’t she remember? It was killing her! No memory at all and now she was heading to god knows where with said girl, having no idea what awaited her.

She’d been so excited about leaving the hospital that she hadn’t fully considered the fact that she was going home, to a place she couldn’t remember with a fiancée that she’d forgotten every detail about. And it was kind of terrifying her. With just the two of them, what would they do? How would they actually live together over the next however long until she remembered? The panic over her car had clearly merged to a panic about her soon to be close quarters with the beautiful girl to her right.

“Hey.” She turned towards Carmilla, her thoughts derailed. “LaF texted me earlier and promised they and Perry would be at our place when we got there. We won’t be there… alone.”

Laura watched as Carmilla looked away once again, clearly as uncomfortable with the situation as she was.

“I thought they had plans this morning?”

“Well LaF had a faculty meeting about the upcoming science fair at school and Perry apparently decided she had to clean our house top to bottom, and make sure our fridge was fully stocked,” Carmilla said with a smile, still staring out the window. “I caught her mid-dust when I ran home this morning for a shower and a change of clothes for you.” Laura had to chuckle both at Carmilla’s attitude and Perry’s predictability.

She turned back to gaze out her window, noticing that the cab was slowing down. She had to admit, she was surprised at their surroundings; lots of new buildings, mostly contemporary and modern. Nearby she could see glimpses of the waterfront between the buildings. The whole area was like Laura’s ideal neighborhood, but somehow didn’t seem to fit what she knew of Carmilla’s style. She didn’t seem like a fancy condo type of girl. More like the type of girl that lived in a low key studio apartment. Something dark and sparse. Or maybe some sort of old Victorian home that was undoubtedly haunted.

She was beginning to think they were just passing through when the cab began to slow and then stopped in front of one of the smaller, less imposing buildings at the end of the street, all brick and gorgeous windows. This was definitely a surprise.

“Wow.” From beside her, Carmilla chuckled as she climbed out of the cab. A moment later the dark-haired girl was at her side as she climbed out, her eyes still glued to the building. “This place is… I mean… how in the hell do afford this place?”

“We were looking to move and we came here on a whim, just to see what it looked like more than actually being interested in the area. You saw it and fell in love with it,” Carmilla said with a shrug as she paid the cab driver and grabbed their things. “We make it work.” Laura stared at the other girl in confusion, waiting for her to elaborate but it seemed no further explanation was forthcoming. “Come on. Let’s go inside. You should rest.”

She took one last look at the exterior and followed Carmilla inside, noting she pressed the button for the third floor once they were inside the elevator. They exited the elevator only a moment later and slowly made their way down the hall. Laura took in every detail, hoping something would seem familiar but nothing was jumping out. With her gaze elsewhere, she looked back just in time to avoid crashing into Carmilla, who’d stopped in front of a door. Number 307 she noted.

“You okay?” Carmilla asked with a grin.

“Yeah, sorry. I just got distracted. This building is beautiful. How long have we lived here?”

“Just a little over a year,” Carmilla answered as she fished for her keys. “We moved in after they remodeled the building.”

“Seriously, Carmilla, unless I’m also forgetting that I’m like the next Hunter Thompson or you’ve failed to mention that you’re like the next Andy Warhol or Annie Leibovitz I don’t know how the hell we managed to land this place.”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Carmilla said as she unlocked the door and pushed it open, motioning for Laura to enter. “Welcome home, kid.”

Laura stepped inside; into her home. Their home. And it was even more perfect on the inside. Light colored brick mixed with beige walls and hardwood floors. Across from the door, she saw the most amazing kitchen, which she was sure she rarely used, and where LaF and Perry sat at a high top island, smiling and apparently waiting for them.

“Welcome home, Frosh!”

“Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy they let you out.”

“Hey, guys, thanks,” she said, still looking around and trying to take everything in. Past the kitchen table, she could see a door that she assumed led to a patio. To her left, she could see a portion of the living room, which looked incredibly cozy and warm, more light color bases with bright colored accents and… _This place seems very me, which I guess makes sense but…_ Continuing to look around, she noticed little things here and there that she assumed were Carmilla’s additions. Heavy bookshelves filled to the brim with leather bound books, beautiful photos, and paintings, vinyl records stacked on another shelf in the corner.

“What do you think, L?”

“This place is amazing. I love it. It’s like my dream home.”

“That’s kind of the idea,” Carmilla said with a chuckle as she made her way further inside and disappeared down the hallway to Laura’s right. _Bedroom?_ Laura wondered.

“Well, let’s all go sit down. You may be out of the hospital but you still need your rest,” Perry said in full on caretaker mode. “I’ve already laid out snacks in the living room for everyone. Come, come.”

Laura allowed herself to be ushered into the next room, taking in more as she saw the room in it's entirety. She smiled at the ‘This is a good sign’ print in the corner. And then she saw them; pictures of her and Carmilla all over the room. Some of them smiling at the camera, others with one of them looking at the other, all of them looking completely and totally in love. She focused on one wooden frame on the end table and found that she couldn’t stop staring at it. In the photo Carmilla stood behind her, arms wrapped around her waist, eyes closed, her lips pressed against Laura’s temple and slightly upturned in a small smile. Laura had the absolutely biggest, happiest smile lighting up her face.

“Laura, sit, really. I know you’re feeling better, but you still need to rest,” Perry scolded as she handed Laura a plate of cookies. Laura smiled and obeyed, doing a little dance in her seat when she saw they were double chocolate chip.

“Did your dad get off okay?”

“As far as I know,” Laura answered, her voice mumbled and a few crumbs escaping from her mouth. “It’s a long flight back but he needs to go home. He’s got his own things there to worry about. But he said he’ll be back soon once everything is settled at work.”

“That’s good. I’m sure he just wants to make sure you’re okay,” LaF said, chewing their own mouthful of sweets, gooey chocolate coating their bottom lip.

“You guys are disgusting,” Carmilla said as she entered the room, getting Perry to immediately nod at her in agreement. Laura and LaF just looked at each other and shrugged, each taking another huge bite of cookie. “And I’m supposedly the messy eater.”

“I could make so many inappropriate jokes right now.” Laura almost choked on a fudge chunk at that comment and noticed Carmilla shrug out of the corner of her eye.

“LaFontaine!”

“So, what’s on the agenda this afternoon?” LaF asked, seemingly completely unaffected by the scolding, brushing crumbs from their hands.

“Napping,” Carmilla suggested as she plopped down on the couch, resting her feet on the old truck in the middle of the room doubling as a coffee table, but leaving a decent amount of space between her and Laura on the couch.

“No offense but I’ve spent most of the last week unconscious. Kind of want to stay alert for a bit.”

“Well, we could watch a movie? Or play cards?”

“Or we could just chat? You know, catch up.”

“Catch up on what, Per? We’re always together,” LaF said.

“Yes, we are. However, Laura might like to **catch up** ,” Perry said, her eyes wide, clearly trying to get LaF on board.

“Huh?”

“It’s fine,” Laura said with a laugh. “You guys have been great the last few days with story time but I know everyone’s exhausted.”

“What did you want to hear about next, Laura?” Carmilla asked, her head pillowed on the back of the couch, eyes closed. Laura couldn’t help but smile at her cavalier attitude.

“How about whatever you guys want to tell me since you’ve so graciously offered.”

“Well, what if we keep going in order?” Perry suggested. "Order is important."

“Sounds good to me,” Laura said, leaning further back into the couch and getting comfortable.

* * *

**_Seven Years Earlier_ **

Carmilla stood, shifting from side to side staring at the heavy, opposing door in front of her, contemplating whether or not she actually wanted to knock. She’d been avoiding Laura since she walked out the previous week, although, not that there was much to avoid. Laura had only sent her one text about an hour after she’d left the week before, thanking her for her help and then one that afternoon, confirming if their study session was still on. Carmilla had replied with a simple ‘Yes’ and nothing more. No flirtatious innuendos. No cute nicknames. It felt odd but at the same time, she wasn’t about to pursue this any further. She hadn’t even bothered to attend class that afternoon, hoping to avoid any further issues.

She knew she liked Laura. She knew she liked her a lot. She’d immediately been attracted to the girl from the very first night at the bar. And then noticed even more how adorable the tiny brunette was when she caught her staring at her in Vordenberg’s class. But after they actually started talking and spending some time together, she realized how amazing Laura actually was. Which was weird. She didn’t spend time getting to know girls, at least outside the bedroom. And, up until last week, she was honestly starting to believe that she wasn’t alone in her feelings. Apparently, she was wrong. _And this is exactly why you don’t do fucking relationships._

Sighing in exasperation, she raised her hand and knocked twice, grateful when just a moment later LaF was the one who opened the door.

“Hey, bad seed! Come on in, you’re just in time.”

“Just in time for what?” she asked, closing the door behind her and making her way into the apartment.

“We ordered pizza and it just got here. Ham and pineapple for me and Per and extra cheese for you and L.”

“You can’t study on an empty stomach, right?” Laura joked from behind her, near the doorway to her bedroom. Damn that voice, if it didn’t make her stomach flutter. Keeping her attention on LaF, she attempted to ignore that feeling.

“Oh, um, thanks, lab rat, but I’m not hungry,” she said, dropping her heavy bag near the kitchen island.

“You aren’t?” Again, Laura. And that damn feeling in the pit of her stomach. She avoided answering beyond shaking her head and went to work pulling her books and notes from her bag, a task that she usually avoided when she was there. Setting everything down on the counter, she moved one of the stools further down before taking a seat, making sure all accidental touching would be avoided before it could even happen.

“Oh, are you sure? There’s plenty here, Carmilla,” Perry said, ever the hostess.

“I’m fine, really,” she said, offering a forced smile to Perry before finally turning to Laura. “But we should get started. I have plans tonight.”

It was a lie, completely and totally. She had nothing planned and had become pretty much a hermit over the last few weeks, only leaving her studio apartment for class, work, or Laura. No parties or clubs or visits to the long list of girls she kept on hand just in case she was feeling a little lonely. In fact, half of said girls had texted or called multiple times over the last few weeks, but she’d ignored them. _Why? Because you thought for half a second that you might actually like someone that you wanted to spend more than an hour with? Because you thought she liked you too? Again, we’ve been down this road. This whole relationship idea is bull shit._

“Oh, right, of course. Let me just get my books and we can get started.”

Carmilla continued to stare at her notes, pretending to focus on them and not the sight of an uncomfortable Perry and LaF scooting out of the kitchen in her peripheral vision.

“So, I guess we’re setting up in here and not in the living room?” Laura asked as she came back, book in hand and carefully sat down at the island.

“We get more done when we sit out here. It’s easier for you to focus. So… The Lessons of Love. Jean-Antoine Watteau. What does this piece represent and why is it important?”

* * *

It was only about thirty minutes later; thirty minutes of completely professional and mostly silent studying, when the dam finally broke. LaF and Perry had gone out for ice cream, apparently too uncomfortable to sit in the tension-filled apartment, and she’d been sitting there with Laura, only speaking when forced to and only about the textbook in front of her. There had been no accidental touching, no flirtatious smiles, no teasing. She could feel the other girls eyes on her but refused to meet her gaze, fearing if she did so, Laura would see the truth.

“Hey, are you okay tonight?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Look, Carmilla… I’m sorry. What I said the other night… about us only being study buddies, I didn’t mean it. I never should’ve said that.” Carmilla heard the remorse in Laura’s apology but that didn’t mean it was any easier to hear the claim the first time around.

“It’s fine, Laura,” Carmilla said, finally looking up, only making eye contact for a brief moment, knowing her gaze was cold before looking back to her notebook where she’d been doodling. “I mean, we do study together. That’s what we have in common.”

“But that’s not all there is to it. You mean so much more to me than just that.”

“What?” Carmilla’s eyes snapped back to Laura’s just in time to see the embarrassment cloud them, followed immediately by a blush covering her cheeks. Apparently, that little tidbit of information wasn’t supposed to be verbalized but with Laura being Laura, it had come out. Carmilla did her best to keep her breathing even and slow the rapid beating of her heart, hating that she was already peeking over the walls she had so carefully constructed to avoid getting hurt. Did Laura actually have feelings for her?

“No, I mean, yes, you do mean more to me than just a study buddy. I mean… we’re friends, right?”

 _Oh. Right._ Carmilla looked away again, her heart plummeting to her stomach in disappointment.

“Sure. Friends.” All of a sudden she despised that word.

“I mean it, Carmilla. Yes, you’ve helped me so much these last few weeks and I really appreciate it. But, more than that, I appreciate you. I like it when you’re around. I like spending time with you. I’d like… well, I’d like to spend more time with you, to be honest. I really would like us to be friends.”

 _That goddamn F-word._ Carmilla sighed and looked back at Laura’s hopeful face, feeling her will crumble. She had absolutely no desire to be friends with this girl who’d captivated her thoughts non-stop for the last few weeks. Being friends meant spending more time together, getting to know one another, enjoying each other's company. She didn’t think she could do that and not end up feeling like there was constantly a knife in her heart. _When the hell did these feelings for her get so damn strong?_

“Please?”

Carmilla sighed, finally turning to the girl next to her and couldn’t help but chuckle at the earnest plea in her expression, the squeak in Laura’s voice just the icing on the cake.

“I know I screwed up but I want to fix it.”

“Okay,” she nodded resignedly. “Friends.” _Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll get bored of me. Then I won’t have to worry about it at all._

She’d expected Laura to drop it after that and let them get back to their work. What she hadn’t expected was the tiny brunette throwing herself onto her side, arms wrapping around her shoulders in a tight hug. _Dammit, why does she have to smell so good?_ Carmilla smiled softly, patting Laura on the forearm twice goodnaturedly as her arms were trapped under Laura’s anyway, and let her temple fall against the top of Laura’s head for a moment.

“Good, great, okay,” Laura said as she finally let go, smiling and retaking her seat, but something in her eyes… Carmilla wasn’t sure what that look was but she’d never seen it on Laura before. “So I guess we should call it a nigh,t huh? I mean... you have plans. Probably something way cooler than this and with someone way more exciting than me.”

Sadness. That’s what the look was. The tiny brunette looked so dejected at the prospect of the evening coming to a close and, dammit, it broke Carmilla’s heart.

“I can stay a little longer,” she said, unable to help herself. The smile she got in return made it totally worth it.

* * *

_**One Week Later** _

“Where’s the princess of darkness? She bail on you again?” LaF asked as they dropped their purple Jansport with a thud near the door and stretched. From the kitchen, Laura heard Perry sigh and knew it would only be a matter of seconds before the incredibly orderly girl went and put the bag away in its ‘proper place.’ If she could lift it that is. Laura knew with all the random stuff LaF carried around with them that their bag had to weigh half as much as her.

“No, not exactly,” Laura said from her spot on the couch where she was flipping through channels, trying to find something to hold her interest. Nothing seemed to be working. She hadn’t even lasted ten minutes on the Doctor Who marathon that was on. “She had to work. Again.”

It had been a week since she’d seen Carmilla outside of their class. The dark haired girl had canceled their last two study sessions because of being called into work last minute. Laura had hoped to see her at a different time but so far their schedules hadn’t lined up. At least she knew she wasn’t getting frozen out as they’d been texting constantly. The texts weren’t as teasing or flirtatious as she was used to, but she’d take whatever she could get at this point. Having Carmilla freeze her out before had been crushing and she had no desire to feel that loneliness again any time soon.

“Well, that sucks,” LaF said, plopping down next to her and taking over on channel surfing duty. “I mean I know you have a test next week and you’ve been cramming, but I know it’s harder without her.” Laura just nodded, the monumental pout on her face only getting worse by the minute. “That and you always get moody anyway when you don’t get to stare at her all night with those sucker heart eyes of yours.”

“What?! I do not do that.”

“Oh come on, Frosh!” LaF said with a chuckle, muting the television and turning towards Laura. “You are so far in the middle of crush-ville you can’t see any of the neighboring towns.”          

“That’s so not true! I do not have a crush on Carmilla!”

“Oh, I beg to differ. You’re totally into her. You get sad and huffy when she’s not around. You smile like an idiot when she is and you’re always nervous before she gets here. You stare at her constantly when you think she’s not looking and then blush like crazy when she does. You talk about her like all the time. It’s actually driving Danny nuts. And speaking of Danny, you’ve totally been ignoring her and blowing her off.”

“I have not!”

“She’s asked you out like four times over the last week for movies, dinner, coffee, and you’ve found an excuse to get out of it every time. I’m telling you, you’re like a shiny new penny to her now that you’re all into Carmilla.”

“Okay, that’s ridiculously childish.”              

“And ridiculously right on with standard human behavior. Now that you’re no longer ‘available’ to her, she wants you. Not to mention the fact that the girl you want makes Danny’s skin crawl. If you’d have done this six months ago, you’d probably be living with her instead of me and Per. Though with Carmilla still in the equation, and you being totally smitten with her, it actually still probably wouldn’t have worked in Danny’s favor.”

“This is crazy! You are crazy! I’m not… I mean… Carmilla isn’t interested in me!”

“On the contrary, Carmilla is very interested in you. You’re just too blind to see it.”

“What? No! No, she isn’t, LaF. Carmilla is the kind of girl who can have anyone she wants.”

“Precisely. And she wants you.” LaF smiled softly at Laura, unable to help it. “Think about it. She gives up her Tuesday and Friday nights to study with you every week. She flirts constantly with you, which before you go there, yes, she is a flirt, I know this. But it’s different with you. She looks at you like you’re the only girl in the world when you’re not looking. And you said it yourself, she was starting to open up to you. That’s a big deal when she was completely closed off before. Plus, I’ve seen her around campus lately sans the usual groupies that seem to follow her from one spot to the next in case she needs something like coffee, a sandwich, or a quickie.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means a lot actually. It means that she likes you and you like her.”

“I hate to butt in but LaFontaine’s right, sweetie.” Laura turned in surprise to where Perry still stood in the kitchen, carefully mixing something that smelled amazing and chocolatey. “If you like this girl, there’s no sense waiting around and sulking.”

“Okay, fine! I like her, yes! But what am I supposed to do?”

“Get off your ass and do something about it. I doubt the bar’s super busy tonight. Go see her. Talk to her, ask her out for God’s sake!”

Laura stared back and forth between her two best friends, taking in their encouraging smiles before sighing in defeat and slumping back into the couch.

“What if you’re wrong? What if she doesn’t have feelings for me and I end up totally blowing this?”

“I’m sure you’ll stumble and prattle on incessantly but trust me, L. You won’t blow this. The worst that can happen is she’ll say no.”

“That seems pretty bad!”

“And if she does, Per will make you all the chocolate chip cookies you want when you come home upset.”

“Oh, absolutely. I can start them now if you want!”

“But if she says yes…” LaF let the statement hang for a moment, giving Laura a moment to see the possibilities. That was all it took for the start of a small smile to begin blooming on her face. “Go get changed. You can’t go down there in sweatpants and a Gryffindor t-shirt.”

Forty minutes later Laura stood just inside the bar, hidden in the dark, bouncing nervously on the balls of her feet. Glancing across the room she saw Carmilla there, cleaning a shaker and laughing at something one of the other patrons was saying, her smile literally melting Laura to the core.

LaF was right, the place was dead with only a handful of college kids sitting in the back corner and one guy, the guy Carmilla had been laughing with, sitting at the actual bar. Taking a deep breath she stepped out of the shadows and slowly made her way towards the bar. Carmilla laughed again and it caught her so off guard that she tripped on the leg of a nearby chair, catching the attention of everyone in the establishment, including the girl that she’d been distracted by. _Ugh, way to go, Hollis. Smooth as ever._

“What’re you doing here, cutie?” Carmilla asked when she got close enough to finally be able to hear over the music from the jukebox. There was that smile again. Laura recognized it as the one that came out when the dark haired girl really was genuinely happy. It seemed to sneak up on Carmilla and explode across her face before she could stop it.

“I um… I came to see you,” Laura said, sliding up onto one of the stools, nodding politely to the tall guy next to her. “Hi there.”

“Hey, little nerd hottie,” he said with a goofy grin.

“Don’t start, beefcake!” Carmilla warned. “She has a name.”

“Oh, right, Laura. I know,” he said, seemingly unphased by Carmilla’s glare before turning back to Laura, still smiling. “You were in my lit class last year. We had to read that book about that Beo-bab guy.”

“Beowulf?”

“Yeah, him. I remember you had like a lot to say about it. You took up like one whole class discussing theories.” Laura thought back, trying to remember if she’d ever seen this guy before, but it was a waste of time considering she spent most of that class staring at Danny and rarely noticed anyone else. “You’re like super smart.”

“Yes, she is,” Carmilla chimed in. “Which means she far too intelligent to fall for your Zeta bro bullshit lines.”

“Huh? Oh, no, I wasn’t trying anything,” he said, completely innocent and utterly serious. “You were dating that Summer Psycho girl right?”

“Danny?” Laura saw Carmilla look away at the mention of her tall friend and go back to cleaning. “No, we never dated. We’re just friends.”

“Oh cool. I’m Kirsch by the way,” he said, still smiling.

“Nice to meet you, Kirsch.”

“You having another one, meathead, or you heading out for the night?”

“Nah, I’m going to go. Thanks for the paper football game. Rematch next week?”

“You’re on. I can totally take some time to kick your ass again.” He smiled once more at each girl before tossing some cash on the bar and walking away.

“So are you guys like friends?” Laura asked, the disbelief in her voice obvious once he was out of earshot.

“The giant puppy dog? He’s just one of the few people that comes in here that I actually don’t mind. Most of the time,” Carmilla admitted with a grin. “He lived down the hall from me my first year here too. He’s harmless for a frat bro.”

“Aw, Carmilla’s got a friend. How cute.” Carmilla chose to ignore that comment and instead went back to wiping things down behind the bar. Pointedly looking around, Laura turned back to the dark-haired girl, still smiling. “So yeah, this place is hopping tonight. They just had to call you in, huh?”

“I’m sorry, creampuff. I didn’t want to cancel on you again. But the other regular bartender’s been super sick and I need the money, so…”

“Carm, it’s fine, really.” Laura paused as the nickname escaped her lips.

“So, really, why are you here? You’re not a bar scene girl.”

“I wasn’t lying. I wanted to see you.” Laura paused again, taking a deep breath, attempting to gain some courage. “I kind of missed you this week.”

“Really?” There was that cocky smirk. “Because if memory serves I did see you in class this afternoon.”

“You did, yes. But… ugh, you’re going to purposely make this difficult, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, cupcake.” The two stared at each other, both smiling flirtatiously, daring the other to look away. Laura broke first, looking down briefly at her hands on the bar before meeting Carmilla’s eyes again.

“So, I wanted to ask you something?”

“Ask away, creampuff.”

“Well… I was wondering if… maybe… you’d like to go to the movies sometime… with me?”

“The movies huh? With just you or with you and your chaperoning roommates?”

“With just me… like, on a date?” Laura held her breath for what seemed to be the longest moment in history, taking in the shy smile on Carmilla’s face and wondering if she was going to ever be able to show her face on campus again.

“I think I’d like that, cutie.”

* * *

**_Present_ **

“I’m sorry, are we boring you here, Laura?” Carmilla asked with a smirk as Laura yawned for the fifth time in just as many minutes. “This history lesson not as riveting as the others?”

“No, no not at all,” Laura said with a giggle. “Apparently this day just took a lot more out of me than I thought.”

“Go rest, dear,” Perry said, standing and motioning for LaF to follow.

They’d already cleaned up the cookie mess earlier during a brief break so, thankfully, Carmilla was able to usher them out of the house fairly quickly, breathing out a quiet thank you as they made their way down the hall towards the elevator. She waved one last time as they got in before turning back and locking up the house for the night. Despite the fact that she definitely had had her share of issues with Laura’s friends, Carmilla was beyond grateful for everything they’d done for her and Laura over the past week. She wasn’t sure she’d have been able to get through it without them, though she’d never admit that out loud.

She finished checking that everything was secure before realizing that she was alone with Laura in their home. The awkwardness of the situation smacked her in the face, and now, she wasn’t sure what to do. She desperately didn’t want to do anything to make Laura uncomfortable, but she realized it was going to be a hard line to toe.

“Hey.” She was taken out of her thoughts when she turned to see Laura standing there in the kitchen, sleepily rubbing her eyes.

“Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah, just didn’t realize how tired I was.”

“Well, come on. We’ll get you settled.” Carmilla turned and made her way down the short hall that housed the two bedrooms. They’d immediately turned the smaller one into an office when they moved it. Laura mostly used it but there was plenty of space for Carmilla to paint in one of the corners when time or the inspiration struck.

Walking into their bedroom, Carmilla realized this was about to get even trickier. She turned back to where Laura stood behind her in the doorway, her arms tight across her stomach, looking like she was about to run away crying.

“Hey, Laura, it’s okay. Come here,” she motioned, keeping her voice as calm as possible. Laura slowly walked towards her, the nervousness in her body palpable. “This is our room, but you stay in here, okay? I’ll take the couch.”

“No, Carmilla, I can’t kick you out of your own bed.”

“Hey, amnesic injured fiancée trumps lower back pain. I’ll be fine, really.” She smiled reassuringly at the tiny brunette and then motioned towards the dresser behind her. “Your stuff is in the drawers on the left, since that’s the side of the bed you sleep on. Same with the closet. And pretty much everything in the bathroom. You really wanted us to be as efficient as possible in the morning.” She was grateful when Laura smiled and let a small giggle escape at that. “If you need anything just yell. But get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Okay. Thanks, Carmilla.” It took every ounce of her willpower to not reach out and wrap Laura in her arms and press her lips against her forehead. She was never affectionate before Laura, but damn did she miss those little bits of physical contact. It hurt so much to be so close and keep this wall between them.

Deciding to leave before she did something stupid, she nodded and made her way to the door.

“Hey, Carmilla?”

“Yeah?

“So, I was the one to make the first move? Really?”

“I don’t know if I’d say that. I mean, I was laying down a lot of signals, waiting for you to ask me out,” Carmilla answered, earning another small laugh. “Goodnight, Laura.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again all! Hope you're still sticking with me and enjoying it. 
> 
> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	6. Darling, You Are The Only Exception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How'd that first date go again? Oh yeah, something like this.

Laura woke up slowly, her face snuggled into something that smelled amazing. Like leather and moonlight and a cold breeze. She pushed her face further into the soft material surrounding her head and breathed in deeply. She’d been so nervous after LaF and Perry had left the night before and she was finally alone with Carmilla. But the dark-haired girl was so sweet and thoughtful. Remembering it brought a smile to her face and she relished in the comfort another moment before finally opening her eyes. The sun was high and it was obviously much later than she’d realized. Blinking as her eyes adjusted she turned and realized what she’d been hugging so tightly to; it was Carmilla’s pillow. She’d been very careful about sticking to her ‘designated’ side when she’d laid down the night before. Clearly, she didn’t have the same reservations once she was no longer conscious.

Taking a deep breath she sat up and put her feet on the floor, realizing she could faintly smell something else delicious wafting through their home. Standing and walking out of the room, the scent became stronger and she smiled when she rounded the hallway corner to see a freshly showered Carmilla sitting at the kitchen island, coffee in hand, typing away furiously at a laptop covered with band stickers ranging from Le Tigre and Bikini Kill to The Doors and Guns N’ Roses.

“I thought you weren’t a morning person,” Laura said, shuffling further into the kitchen. Carmilla looked up, instantly smiling when they made eye contact.

“Well, technically it’s now almost noon. And that’s the beauty of sleeping on the couch. It’s good for napping but not so much for overnight stays,” she said, taking another sip of coffee.

Laura’s smile instantly disappeared in guilt, looking away from those teasing brown eyes. _Of course, she couldn’t sleep on the couch._ She opened her mouth to apologize but was cut off immediately.

“Hey, no, it’s fine, really. Besides I needed to get up early anyway. I had a few things to take care of.” Laura finally looked up, seeing the softness in Carmilla’s eyes and the small smile on her lips. “How’d you sleep? You want some coffee?”

“Great and yes, thank you, but I can manage,” she said, walking around the counter to grab the half-full french press and then staring blankly around the rest of the kitchen. _Where the hell are the mugs?_

“Far right cabinet, Hollis,” Carmilla said, still staring at her computer but smirking nonetheless. “Sugar is in the jar on the counter and creamer is in the fridge.” She nodded her thanks and then opened the cupboard, immediately smiling at the blue Tardis mug sitting front and center. Pouring the dark liquid into it, she moved on to spoon an exorbitant amount of sugar into the cup as well before turning to the refrigerator. She stopped and gazed as she took in three more pictures of her and Carmilla. The first had them dressed to the nines obviously for something fancy, arms wrapped around waists, smiling politely. In the second they appeared to have been at a beach somewhere, the two of them partially hidden behind sunglasses and laughing into the camera. The last one was a little more intimate; the two of them clearly laying in the bed she’d so thoroughly enjoyed the night before, Carmilla on her back, eyes closed, hair mussed with a small smile on her face and Laura, clearly the culprit behind the photo if her outstretched arm was any indication, smiling directly into the camera, her head cushioned on Carmilla shoulder.

The girl in that photo seemed so happy wrapped up in the dark-haired girl's arms, and for a moment, she wondered if all of this was just some kind of horrible nightmare. Maybe she'd wake up any minute now, remembering everything that was true about her life and not feeling like a total jerk that she was putting Carmilla through this. It was too early to deal with this. She needed to at least caffeinate before she attempted to dissect what was going on inside of her. She shook her head a little, trying to rid herself of the confusing feelings warring in her brain and opened the refrigerator, topping her coffee off with a splash of cream before taking a sip and immediately moaning at the taste.

“Oh my God, this is the best thing ever.” From behind her, she heard Carmilla chuckle and she turned towards the dark-haired girl, smiling and taking the seat next to her at the island. She watched Carmilla, still tapping away, her smile slowly slipping from her face and being replaced by a slight furrow between her perfect eyebrows. Laura felt the guilt wave hit again when she realized then and there just how much time Carmilla must have lost by staying at the hospital by her side over the last week and a half. “Are you working?”

“Yeah, sorry do you need something else?” Carmilla glanced up immediately, clearly willing to drop what she was doing if Laura asked her to.

“No, no I’m fine. I just… I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For taking you away from everything for the last few days.”

“Hey, no, none of that,” Carmilla said, completely turning away from her laptop and towards Laura, reaching out towards where the smaller girl’s hand rested on the counter but stopping just short of touching it. “Laura, I know you don’t remember me or us or any of this. And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way. But I need you to know that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, by your side. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you right now, but you are everything to me, Laura. I... I’d do anything for you. You're the only person I would do anything for.”

Laura felt the warmth from that statement warring with the guilt consuming her and looked away, unable to hold Carmilla’s gaze any longer. This was crushing her.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll just... just forget I said anything.” She turned to see Carmilla staring back at her computer, her brow still furrowed, looking both hurt and ashamed. _Dammit. I hate hurting her like this._

“No, Carmilla don’t be sorry. I appreciate you being there and I appreciate you saying that. And it’s not your fault that my stupid brain has apparently decided to block out everything about us. If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this and I know it’s hurting you. And I’m sorry for that too because you don’t deserve-”

“Okay, enough. We have to stop this. All this back and forth remorse is doing neither of us any good,” Carmilla interrupted. “How about instead of arguing over who is sorrier, you go take a shower, I’ll finish up this and we can go grab something to eat. It’s almost lunchtime anyway and you still have to take your medication.”

Laura smiled and nodded, taking another sip of coffee before standing up. She walked around the island and into the hallway towards the master bathroom before remembering something and spinning on her heel, making her way back towards Carmilla.

“Towels are on the top shelf in the linen closet,” she said, taking another sip of coffee but not looking up. Laura giggled and went back on her way.

* * *

Laura stood in front of the foggy bathroom mirror, towel discarded to the side for the moment, fighting with the medical tape that seemed unwilling to cooperate. She’d been standing there for the better part of ten minutes trying unsuccessfully to get the bandages back over her stitches after her shower.

She only had a few more days of this before the stitches would come out but she’d yet to actually change the bandage by herself. Thus proving her dilemma. _Though seriously, how hard is it to stick on a band-aid!_ She signed in frustration, attempting to throw away the tangled mess of sticky cotton, finding even that to be impossible as it stuck to her fingertips. She was about halfway through loosening the bonds when a soft knock on the door startled her.

“You okay, Laura? You’ve been in there a while.”

“Um… yeah, fine, totally good,” she lied, flinging her hand up and down rapidly in a last-ditch effort to free herself.

“Are you sure? Do you need anything?” She looked in the mirror, sighing in defeat as she caught a glimpse of herself and even distorted from the condensation, the frustration on her face was clear as day. She grabbed her towel, carefully wrapping it around her torso as best as she could with her casted arm still covered in protective plastic. Moving towards the door, she opened it just a crack to see a concerned looking Carmilla staring back at her.

“I can’t get the stupid tape to stick so I can put my bandages back on,” she pouted.

“Well, why didn’t you say something sooner?” Carmilla said with a smile. “I could’ve helped you, you know.”

“I just… I thought I could do it myself. I didn’t want to bother you.” That sounded better than the real reason.

“You never bother me, Laura. Well, unless you're talking about Doctor Who in your sleep but even then, at least you're cute," Carmilla said, successfully trying to add some levity to the moment, making Laura smile. "Come on, let me help you.” Finally relenting, Laura let Carmilla push the door open and enter, immediately going to work and gathering what she needed. “It might be easier in the bedroom. Less steam,” she said after turning around and carefully ushering Laura to sit on the bed.

Laura felt herself pull the towel tighter around her torso, convinced that there was no way she could blush any harder than she was at that moment.

“Hey, what is it? What’s wrong?” Carmilla asked, noticing the change and kneeling in front of her.

“It’s just… um… I…” Laura looked up, meeting Carmilla’s warm, caring eyes and immediately felt like an idiot.

“Hey, seriously, whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“I’m just a little uncomfortable. With you seeing me.” Apparently, she was going to have to spell this one out because Carmilla looked as confused as ever. “Naked.”

“Oh!” Laura kept her eyes on her toes, waiting for what, she didn’t know but it definitely wasn’t the warm chuckle that reached her ears a moment later. Looking up she found a very amused Carmilla staring back at her, clearly much more at ease with the whole situation. “Well, that I can fix. Come on. Get some clothes on and then I’ll help you.” She stood up, taking the supplies with her and left the room, closing the door behind her to give Laura her privacy.

Smiling gratefully to herself, Laura stood up, located what she assumed to be her clothes on the left side of the dresser and closet and attempted to dress as quickly as she could in a pair of worn faded jeans and a button up. She figured that’d at least make it a little easier on Carmilla. Throwing her hair up in a messy bun she finally made her way to the kitchen where Carmilla sat on one of the island stools, spinning around on it like a bored little kid.

“You okay?” Carmilla asked, locking her foot around one of the stool legs to stop herself and looking over at Laura. Laura just nodded and smiled, finding the sight of a clearly antsy Carmilla to be pretty damn adorable. “Alright then. Let’s get you all bandaged up so we can eat. I’m starving.”

“You know there’s a ton of food in the refrigerator right?” Laura said, sitting down on one of the other empty stools.

“That stuff requires preparation and I wasn’t in the mood,” Carmilla said, hopping up and grabbing the padding to put down the center of Laura’s torso.

“You don’t cook?” Laura asked, attempting to keep the conversation light and not let her blush overwhelm her as she let her shirt fall open just enough for Carmilla to work.

“Well, I can cook,” Carmilla said, placing the gauze pad in place and reaching for the tape she’d already cut. “I just tend to make a mess when I do. And then you tend to get grumpy because I’m not the best at cleanup.”

 _Learning new things here, okay. That’s good. Focus on that and not on how nice it feels to have her this close and touching! Oh, there’s touching!_ Laura involuntarily jumped at the feeling of Carmilla’s fingertips gently pressing into her skin.

“Sorry. Hands cold?” Apparently, Carmilla was doing a much better job at keeping this not awkward than she was.

“No, they’re fine. Um… so I know I’m not much of a chef. So do we eat out a lot?” Ugh dammit, she thought, immediately feeling her cheeks heat up when she saw Carmilla smirking out of the corner of her eye. “I mean-”

“I know what you meant. And kind of. I usually make us dinner like twice a week. You usually cover one night with something simple like grilled cheese or breakfast. And we normally end up over at the ginger duo’s place at least once a week and they feed us.”

“I am pretty good at breakfast food,” she agreed with a nod, looking down to where Carmilla secured the last piece of tape. “Thanks for helping with this.”

“No problem. Now, seriously starving. Let’s get out of here.”

* * *

They ended up seated outside a small hidden bistro off the beaten path, enjoying the early autumn breeze and sunshine. Everyone there was kind and smiling, almost like they knew her and strangely, the trendy little place with its blocky wooden tables, Edison lanterns and metal accents seemed… _familiar._

“Do we come here a lot?” Laura asked after they’d placed their order with the young waitress serving them.

“You could say that,” Carmilla said with a chuckle. “Usually at least once a week. Why?”

“It just feels like I’ve been here before, even though I can’t exactly put my finger on when.” Carmilla raised an eyebrow, apparently intrigued.

“Well um… yeah, we come here a lot. We found it about two or three weeks after we moved. There was absolutely no food in the house and we decided to go explore the area some more and try to find something to eat. We found this place.” Laura just nodded, looking around some more to take in more of the surroundings and decor. “Does it really seem familiar?”

“It’s hard to explain. It’s kind of like a mild déja vu. Or like when you dream about somewhere you’ve never been and then you go to a place that kind of reminds you of it.” She looked back to Carmilla just in time to catch a shy smile gracing her perfect features.

“That’s good. Really good.” They sat there in silence for a moment longer, softly smiling at each other until the waitress set their drinks in front of them.

“So um… do we have any other regular places around here? Or things we do?” Laura asked, taking a sip of her strawberry lemonade, all of a sudden desperate for more information about her life with Carmilla.

“Well, let’s see,” Carmilla said, leaning forward on the table surreptitiously, eyebrow raised, holding Laura’s gaze and making the smaller girl giggle. “We’re movie fans. Usually hit the cineplex on Cherry a couple times a month. You like nerdy science stuff and romantic comedies while I’m more sensible and prefer horror or action so we usually end up seeing two movies whenever we go. Then there’s the park on Madison. We go there and sit together and you write and I take pictures or draw. There’s also the little café on Ravenwood where we had our first date. We usually go there on Saturday mornings.”

“Café Au Lait? It’s one of my favorites in the city. I love that place!” Laura said, perking up in her seat.

“You do. You usually get one of their chocolate éclairs and a dark roast coffee. The first time you ordered it, it totally threw me off because I was so used to you getting your fudge brownie and hot cocoa with double marshmallows. You told me it was your grown-up order,” Carmilla said with a chuckle. Laura smiled back, thoroughly enjoying the sound, letting it surround her with its warmth.

“So that’s where we had our first date? I thought I asked you to go to a movie with me?”

“You did. But then you decided we should have coffee first, even though you despised it at the time.”

“I was so silly and naive,” Laura joked with a smile. “Tell me about it.”

“About what? Our first date?” Laura just nodded and watched the beautiful smile bloom across Carmilla’s lips.

* * *

 

**_Seven Years Earlier_ **

She was late. That wasn’t unexpected though. She’d never been that great at keeping track of time and there was no room for a watch on her leather-clad wrists. But that didn’t excuse the fact that at the moment, she was hustling down Ravenwood, hoping that Laura hadn’t thought she’d stood her up and left. She’d have texted her but of course, her phone was dead once again. She really had to get better about putting it on the charger from time to time.

Finally seeing her destination in sight she slowed down to a normal pace and strolled up to the café, taking note that Laura was nowhere in sight. They’d agreed to meet outside the café for a quick coffee before the movie but it looked like she had already messed up and now Laura was gone. _Goddamn cell phone!_ It was easier to blame technology than it was to own up to the fact that she shouldn’t have taken a nap earlier and overslept, causing her to have a much later start on getting ready. Not that she put that much effort into it. Retouching her eyeliner and combing her fingers through her long hair, leaving it with subtle waves at the bottom, she grabbed a breath mint and was out the door deciding that the ripped black jeans and red and black off the shoulder top she’d worn earlier would have to do.

She sighed and prepared to walk away, thinking she should stop by Laura’s apartment to apologize when something behind her caught her attention. There was a commotion as people angrily parted to reveal a tiny, frazzled Laura sprinting towards the café. She came to a loud, screeching halt in front of Carmilla, red-faced and out of breath.

“Oh my god, Carmilla, I’m so sorry I’m late! There was this thing at the paper that went long and I didn’t even realize what time it was until I was already behind! I’m terrible. I’m a terrible date and I’m so so sorry.”

Carmilla smiled at the smaller girl, unable to stop her thoughts of just how cute she looked at that moment, her red flannel shirt slightly crooked, hair gently windblown, cheeks flushed.

“I tried to call you but it kept going straight to your voicemail.”

“Yeah, I kind of forgot about that whole charging my phone thing.”

“I really am sorry. This is definitely not how I wanted us to start out. Please, let me make it up to you.”

“Don’t sweat it, cutie,” Carmilla said with a smile, deciding that there was no reason to make the tiny journalist feel any more guilty. Of course, Laura didn’t need to know that she was also late. Better to just start their evening together. “Come on, I’m thirsty,” she said, still smiling and reaching out her hand for Laura to take. Laura smiled back gratefully and stepped closer, nervously taking the hand being offered. Interlacing their fingers Carmilla turned and pulled her into the half-empty coffee shop.

* * *

“So then what happened?” Laura asked with a laugh.

“He walks in, still completely hammered from the night before, naked as can be.”

“Ew, he’s your brother!”

“Yeah, it’s not my fondest memory but at least he had enough sense to cover the one part of him I really didn’t want to see. Mattie and I were both traumatized for like a month afterward. And he was so embarrassed when he finally sobered up that he didn’t call or text either us for like two.” The two girls shared a laugh before both taking another sip of their drinks from their almost empty mugs.

“So do the two of them visit you often?”

“No, actually last winter was the last time I saw either of them. Mattie’s been traveling pretty much non-stop, doing whatever she can to get her foot in the door and Will actually took summer courses this year so no one actually went back to my mother’s house over summer break.”

“I’m sure you miss them. It sounds like you guys have a lot of fun when you get together.”

“Or we just get into a lot of trouble. But yeah, I guess I do miss them sometimes. See what you miss by being an only child.”

“Eh, it wasn’t so bad. Even though my dad is like ultra crazy protective of me, he and I are really close. He’s like the best dad in the world. And even though I don’t really remember her, he always tells me how much like my mom I am.” Carmilla watched as Laura ducked her head for a moment, all of sudden nervous again, though Carmilla for the life of her couldn’t understand why. “You said you don’t really get along with your mom?”

 _Oh. That._ It wasn’t her favorite topic, by far. In fact, she avoided talking about Lilita any time she could. But she didn't want to give Laura the wrong idea either.

"No, it's not that we don't get along. Again, she's not a bad mother or anything like that. I mean she fed me, clothed me, sent me to the best schools, paid for language and music lessons. She just never struck me as the type of woman that wanted children. So the fact that she adopted three of us has always confused me. Our relationship has always just been... professional is the best way I can think to put it I guess. There's a lot about me that she doesn't know and vice versa.” Carmilla paused for a moment, looking away to collect her thoughts. How much should she reveal to Laura? What if she scared her away? _Only one way to tell._ “I appreciate all she did for me growing up. It could’ve been a lot worse. And honestly, before her, it was. So for that, I’m grateful. I just… I guess there were some things I wish she’d have taught me. Things that I didn’t have to learn or hear about from books.”

“Like what?” Apparently, she had Laura’s full interest and she had to chuckle at the rapt look adorning the tiny brunette's features. And while she appreciated the interest, she thought it was probably better to take baby steps on this. Maybe she wasn’t going to scare Laura away but this was new to her and she really, really didn’t want to mess this up.

“Like how if we don’t get going soon, we’re going to miss the movie,” she said, smiling when a small pout appeared on Laura’s face, but she followed when Carmilla stood.

“Fine.”

* * *

"Come on, creampuff, I’ll walk you home,” she said with a smile, pulling lightly on the arm of Laura’s flannel.

“It’s only like three blocks, Carm. I’m sure I can make it.”

“I’m sure you can. But how unchivalrous would it be if I left my wide-eyed maiden fair to her own devices on such a dark, mysterious night.” Laura just smiled back shyly and followed. They’d gotten to the movies later than they expected and had just grabbed their seats as the lights went down. The half-full theater meant that they didn’t have to worry about being squeezed in between strangers but also that any conversation would only disturb the other moviegoers. They’d settled on a drama, mostly because all the other films were already midway through or there was over an hour wait for the next showing.

When they sat down near the back of the theater, Laura been very conscious of the close proximity movie seats provided as the side of her arm and knee kept brushing with Carmilla’s. Not that they’d never had these accidental touches when they were studying but this was a date and took on a whole new meaning for Laura. She attempted to stay on her side without seeming closed off but felt Carmilla’s fingers brushing along hers about half an hour into the film. She looked to her left, but Carmilla seemed to be completely engrossed in the film and Laura wondered if she even realized what she was doing. Smiling at the gesture, she allowed it for another moment before boldly taking Carmilla’s hand in her own, pulling it into her lap and sandwiching it with her other hand. Carmilla turned to her in surprise, finally pulled away from the story and smiled once before letting her thumb rub across Laura’s and turning back to the screen. They’d sat like that for the rest of the picture, both seeming to enjoy the little touches here and there. They’d only separated once the lights came back on and they had to maneuver around the other patrons to get out of the theater. Laura had been trying to find the courage to reach for Carmilla’s hand again but so far had come up empty.

She looked over as they slowly walked back towards her apartment, smiling as Carmilla lifted her head, inhaling deeply when the soft autumn breeze tousled her hair.

“I love this time of year,” Laura said, breaking the silence. “Right when the leaves have turned and everything smells like pine. It’s all so calming.”

“Because your life is so stressful?” Carmilla mocked.

“Hey, you don’t know. I might be a cape-wearing superhero when I’m not hanging out with you.”

“Hmm… Are there tights and a short skirt?”

“You’re incorrigible,” Laura said, attempting to sound upset but the smile on her face gave her away. Carmilla simply smiled back, lightly bumping her shoulder into Laura’s as they walked closer.

Laura could see her building just ahead and already felt the loneliness invading her chest at the thought of saying goodnight to Carmilla. It had been an amazing night, one she hoped they could replay in the very near future. But did it really have to end? _I could invite her in. We could have more coffee, talk more. Or is that too forward? Oh God, if I invite her in, will she think that I want to-_

“Well, here we are, creampuff. Home safe and sound.” Laura looked up as they stopped walking, noticing the intensity of Carmilla’s stare focused solely on her at that moment and she realized she didn’t care what Carmilla thought. She just didn’t want to say goodbye.

“You’re welcome to come in if you’d like,” Laura said, attempting to sound completely in control but the nervousness in her tone was obvious under the dark eyes gazing intensely at her. “I mean, LaF and Perry are home. But you don’t seem to mind them.”

“As much fun as it sounds to go up there and watch the lab rat freaking out about an impromptu science experiment gone awry and Susie Homemaker scurrying around after them trying to keep the disaster to a minimum, I think I’ll take my leave.”

Laura couldn’t help the immediate feeling of disappointment crushing her chest and looked down at her shoes, hoping that Carmilla wouldn’t notice her crestfallen look.

“Right, of course. Sorry.” Carmilla’s chuckle caught her attention and she immediately looked up to the very amused and beautiful girl. “What? What’s so funny?

“I’m in so much trouble because you have the most adorable little pout.” Frowning further she watched as Carmilla stepped forward, leaving only a few inches between them. She felt her hands being wrapped up in Carmilla’s, so warm and soft, pulling her closer and effectively eliminating any space between them. “I want to come up, cupcake, trust me. There’s nothing more I’d rather do right now than to take you upstairs and into your room and continue… enjoying your company.” Laura felt the blush reach the tips of her ears this time as images of her and Carmilla ‘enjoying’ each other filtered through her brain. She caught the quick flick of Carmilla’s eyes to her lips before she took another breath and continued. “But I don’t want to screw this up Laura and rush into anything. I actually really like you and would very much like to take you to dinner this weekend.”

Laura smiled at the offer, immediately nodding her head and giving Carmilla’s hands a slight squeeze in affirmation. Carmilla was right, they didn’t have to run full speed ahead. They had lots of time.

Laura felt her smile slip as Carmilla leaned further into her, letting go of one of her hands to gently grasp her jaw, running her thumb along the skin just below Laura’s lip in a move that had her knees nearly giving out. Her gaze darted down to Carmilla’s lips, looking as amazing and kissable as ever. This was it. This was the moment Laura had been thinking about for weeks now every time the dark haired girl sent one of those sexy smirks her way. She braced herself and waited… and waited… and nothing. Looking up she met Carmilla’s intense stare, those dark brown eyes seeming to go on forever. She probably would’ve been content to continues staring into their depths but… well, this wasn’t that moment. Why was Carmilla hesitating? Had she said or done something wrong?

“Carm?”

“Are you sure you want to do this, cupcake?” That tone; it almost sounded like Carmilla needed reassurance. And that she was more than happy give. She nodded vigorously, gently placing her free hand on Carmilla’s hip, simultaneously pulling on the one behind her back where their fingers were still interlaced.

Apparently, that’s all it took because half a second later she finally felt Carmilla bring their lips together, the hand grasping her jaw sliding down further and wrapping around the back of her neck, fingertips tangling in the hair there.

 _Holy Hufflepuff,_ she thought as she felt Carmilla’s mouth open slightly and followed suit, relishing in the way their lips fit together so perfectly. She’d never felt so much from a simple kiss and if the way Carmilla’s left hand gripped hers so tightly while her right hand gently ran along the nape of her neck was any indication, she wasn’t the only one.

A moment later, Carmilla pulled away, resting her forehead against Laura’s and Laura had to remember how to breathe. Opening her eyes, she met Carmilla’s gaze, feeling herself smile as she took in the beautiful girl in front of her.

“Wow.” Okay, she hadn’t meant to say that aloud and immediately felt herself blush as she attempted to backpedal. “I mean, I just meant, wow like, wow, or no, not like that but more like-”

She was cut off as Carmilla chuckled and captured her lips again in another short but still toe-curling kiss, leaving her just as foggy headed as the first one.

“Goodnight, Laura. Dinner this weekend,” she said as she removed her hand from the back of Laura’s neck, much to her dismay.

“Um… yeah. Dinner… with food and… yeah.” Carmilla chuckled once more, leaving one last kiss on Laura’s cheek before she slowly turned and walked away. Of course, Laura didn’t move, partly because she was trying to remember how her legs worked and partly because watching Carmilla walk- no strut away was an amazing view.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“Aww, that’s such a sweet first date. Thank you for telling me.”

“You are very welcome,” Carmilla said, glancing over to see her fiancée smiling at her, the smile almost as big as the one she remembered from that night when they’d walked back to Laura’s apartment.

They’d finished up their late lunch and then decided to walk around the neighborhood a bit after Laura had begged for more time outside in the sunshine. Carmilla had agreed only after making Laura promise to tell her if she got tired. They’d stopped a few times, taking their seats on whatever nearby bench was available whenever Laura asked, resuming their walk once she got some energy back.

“And how chivalrous of you, walking me home and… well, not coming in,” Laura said with a laugh.

“That was new for me,” Carmilla admitted.

“What do you mean?” Laura asked, pointing to a nearby bench once again in question and receiving a nod from Carmilla.

“I wasn’t in a hurry with you,” Carmilla said as they sat and she saw she had Laura’s complete attention. She wondered how much she should reveal for fear of upsetting the other girl, but the attentive look in Laura’s eyes melted her and she found herself being completely honest. “I mean, trust me, I wanted to and I was kicking myself later when I was home alone. But, look, I had a reputation back then. The girls I went out with and stuff, they were a dime a dozen. I got what I wanted and most of the time, after I got it, I would ditch them. They were too clingy or they wanted more or I was just bored with them.”

She looked over to gauge Laura’s reaction, hoping she wasn’t scaring the girl away. Of course non-amnesia Laura already knew all this stuff. She knew that she was the first person in a long time that Carmilla had let in and the first girl that Carmilla had really and truly cared about. But staring back at her was amnesia Laura, a girl who didn’t know any of that and whose expression remained unchanged from the curious one she’d been sporting since they’d sat down. Nodding for her to continue, Carmilla turned back towards the street, watching the other people around them go about their days like normal. _Nothing different for them._

“When we met, I was immediately attracted to you. But I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I wasn’t looking to actually develop feelings for you. I was just looking to get what I wanted and move on. But you were so different. You were smart and funny. Really dorky,” Carmilla said with a laugh, catching a slight blush and smile from Laura when she turned to meet her eyes. “You were kind and thoughtful. Compassionate and caring. You wormed your way into my subconscious and I realized that you were different and that I really did like you. When we started dating, I didn’t want to screw it up. Normally I didn’t care if I hurt someone because I was just looking out for me and getting what I wanted. But when it came to you, I cared.”

Carmilla stopped, looking away from Laura’s gaze when it became too much. _She doesn’t remember you. She doesn’t know you. Don’t scare her._ She continued to internally berate herself, wondering if she’d already said too much when she felt Laura’s fingertips on the back of her hand, the rough plaster of her cast meeting Carmilla’s wrist. She looked up, seeing that kind and caring smile on Laura’s face that she adored.

“I think the old me was probably very happy that you cared. And the current me is really starting to agree with her,” she said, refusing to look away. Carmilla felt her lips upturn immediately, her smile completely genuine and uncontainable. _Dammit, reel it in, Karnstein. Traitorous heart!_

“Oh yeah?”

“Definitely,” Laura said with a nod, finally looking away to take in more of her surroundings. Carmilla followed her line of vision, noting with a small smile that Laura’s hand stayed glued to the top of hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually kind of struggled with this chapter and have written and rewritten it so many times that if I don't post it, eventually there will be nothing left. I hope everyone enjoys it.


	7. Tell Your Friends It Was Nice To Meet Them But I Hope I Never See Them Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those damn gingers of Laura's strike again, putting the kibosh on all that non-PG13 fun with their inability to use manners and decorum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I am honestly blown away by the response to the last chapter. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this and even more to those who take the time to comment. You guys are truly awesome.
> 
> Little different format on this chapter but same rules apply: Flashbacks clearly indicated and thoughts in italics.

> **_Seven Year Earlier_ **

Snuggled into Carmilla’s side as they slowly walked along one of the less crowded streets of Silas Laura wondered if it was possible to literally explode from happiness. Maybe she’d ask LaF later if there was any documentation of serious chemical imbalances resulting from too much bliss. Not that it would deter her into changing her behaviors because this was just too damn good to give up. But it might be interesting to know. And if anyone would know some obscure fact like that, it would be LaFontaine.

This was their fifth date if you counted the quick coffee/cocoa they’d grabbed the day before when they ran into each other on campus between classes. She definitely counted it. There was flirting and touching and it ended with a soft kiss that left her flying for the rest of the afternoon, so it definitely earned a tally mark in the date column in her book.

Tonight, however, was a planned outing. She’d agreed to meet Carmilla at the bar around seven when her early shift was supposed to be over and then they’d planned to grab a bite. Arriving right at seven so as not to seem too eager, Laura couldn’t stop herself from smiling and letting the butterflies in her stomach flutter when she saw Carmilla behind the bar, tight black v-neck, hair pulled up revealing that flawless skin, and looking all around amazing as always. Their eyes had met from across the half-full room and she felt her face heat up when Carmilla smiled at her, crooking her finger at her in a come hither motion.

“Hey there, cutie,” she said when Laura reached the bar, leaning over it to meet Laura’s lips with hers.

“Hi,” she answered, sighing happily and taking a small amount of pleasure in the fact that Carmilla stayed halfway prone across the bar, keeping their faces close. “I thought you were done at seven?”

“I am. Just give me five minutes to close out my stuff and then I will take you for that cheeseburger with extra pickles that you’ve been talking about for the last three days.” She kissed her once more before leaning back and heading off to finish her work, looking damn good doing it too if Laura had anything to say about it.

They ended up spending a little over an hour and a half at the local greasy spoon where Laura impressively drank two chocolate milkshakes in addition to her ginormous cheeseburger, much to Carmilla’s amusement.

Afterward, with nothing more to do and both agreeing that they didn’t feel up to attending one of the typical Thursday night college parties that were a weekly staple, they’d found themselves walking around the campus, first hand in hand and then arms wrapped around waists as the night grew colder.

So engrossed in their conversation and Carmilla's hypnotic dark chocolate eyes, Laura didn’t even realize how close they were to her apartment until they were about a block away. And why roam around outside in the cold when they could go inside and get… warm? _Oh my god, that’s so cheesy, Hollis. Do not say that!_

Maybe if she just steered them in that general direction. Maybe Carmilla would get the hint. Maybe she’d avoid putting her foot in her mouth for once. Maybe she should stop overthinking things and just do it.

Deciding to be bold in a quiet, unassuming sort of way, she turned them down the street, her apartment building immediately coming into view. Apparently, Carmilla didn’t notice as she continued to talk about the punk rock girl that sat in the row in front of them in their Art History class. Laura had finally convinced her to move towards the middle of the lecture hall a few weeks ago, where they could sit together, and though Carmilla pretended to hate not sitting in the back corner like the rebel she was, she did admit that the new vantage point gave her a whole new crop of subjects to fill up her drawing pad with. Well, that and she got to endlessly tease and flirt with Laura the entire time.

“I mean, how the hell does her hair change color every class? That can’t be good for it,” Carmilla said, wrapping her arm tighter around Laura’s shoulders to pull her closer. “One day she’s going to wake up and half of it will be gone.”

“I think you are focused far too much on another girl considering this is a date,” Laura teased, pretending to be offended.

“Oh really?” Carmilla chuckled, stopping and wrapping her arms around Laura’s waist, pulling her closer. “I’m so terribly sorry to have offended you. However can I make it up to you, creampuff?”

“Oh, I’m sure I can think of something,” Laura said, leaning forward and capturing Carmilla’s lips with her own.

Carmilla’s lips, she’d discovered, were positively addicting. She couldn’t get enough of them in their soft, warm perfection. Even so, she’d expected this to be a fairly quick, mostly chaste kiss. After all, that’s all they’d really done so far. They’d go out, Carmilla would very sweetly walk her home and kiss her goodnight, usually keeping it well within the realms of public modesty. So when she felt Carmilla pushing her back against the wall of the neighboring building, her tongue running across Laura’s bottom lip, requesting entrance, Laura could do nothing but happily comply. Even the rough brick slightly digging into her back couldn’t ruin this moment. Carmilla tasted like chocolate and mint and… _so damn delicious._

This was what she’d been craving; this closeness, this heat. It was what she’d been hoping for each time Carmilla leaned in when they said their goodbyes. And then again, each time, Carmilla pulled away, looking almost like it was paining her to do so. And then the night would be over. But this time it felt different and it wasn’t just the fact that Carmilla’s hands had crept inside her unzipped jacket and were now grabbing at her hips, thumbs brushing just under the material of her shirt.

“LaF and Perry aren’t home. Do you want to come inside?” _Foot, meet mouth._

She’d blurted it out when they’d separated for half a second to catch their breath without thinking. And now it was out there and she really hoped she wasn’t going to get another rejection, but looking into Carmilla dark, half-lidded eyes, she saw a glimmer of something else there. And she was so focused on that and attempting to decipher what it meant that she almost missed the nearly imperceptible nod Carmilla gave her.

 _Oh god. She actually said yes! Shit, what do I do now?_ Laura felt herself momentarily freeze before once again, Carmilla’s lips were briefly on hers in a kiss just as passionate as before. Pulling away a moment later, Carmilla grabbed for Laura’s hand, gently pulling her towards the apartment building. Laura smiled, using her other hand to grab onto the front of Carmilla’s jacket to keep the other girl from tripping and falling as she continued to walk backward towards and then into the building, her intense gaze never leaving Laura's.

“Where are the Wonder Twins tonight?” Carmilla asked when they reached the elevator. There was no one in the main entrance of the building Laura noted and she was grateful since once they stopped walking, Carmilla’s hands were inside her jacket again, their faces only a few inches apart. Not that she was embarrassed to have the hottest girl in Silas so close, but she wasn’t really in the mood for an audience either.

“They um… they were going to some play… or something. Perry had… tickets. And I think they were… grabbing dinner afterward.” It was really hard to talk or answer any questions when Carmilla’s mouth had slowly descended on her, making its way along her jawline and down her neck.

“So they’ll be gone for a while?” Carmilla husked into her ear. Laura just nodded, no longer able to vocalize anything beyond a quiet grunt. “Good.”

The elevator doors behind her slid open with a ding and Carmilla pushed her inside, pinning her to the back wall, colliding their lips once again. Oh wow, yeah this was it. This was what she’d been thinking about for weeks now. Hell, she’d been thinking about this since the first night they’d met and Carmilla had practically purred at her in that silken voice.

It was too much and not enough all at once and Laura struggled to keep her footing as Carmilla’s tongue softly mapped every inch of her mouth, her hands once again wandering underneath Laura’s jacket, taking care as fingertips brushed the tiniest patches of available skin.

This girl… this girl was going to be the death of her, leaving her nearly undone with just a few kisses and some very strategic touching. Now, if they could just get upstairs...

“Ahem, you guys forget something?” Through the lusty haze, she heard the distinctly amused voice of LaFontaine. She felt Carmilla pull away from her, her lips, her hands, and she heard the unmistakable groan of annoyance sound somewhere from within her throat. Opening her eyes she found herself staring at the back of Carmilla’s head and peered around to the side, catching sight of LaF and Perry standing just outside the open elevator doors, Perry looking incredibly uncomfortable and LaF smiling away.  LaF stepped in, pulling Perry along with them just as the doors closed. “You know the elevator works better when you actually select a floor.”

“Wow. You are so smart,” Carmilla deadpanned, now leaning beside Laura, arms crossed over her chest and frowning.

“Thank you. I’ve been tested.” Carmilla simply huffed in response and Laura’s brain finally caught up with the situation, only to feel the utter embarrassment flood her veins. What the hell was she thinking, getting caught in an elevator with her lips attached to another girl? _You have a perfectly good apartment upstairs. You couldn’t have waited another thirty seconds to get up there?! And now LaF’s going to give you shit for the next week and Perry’s going to try to talk to you about being safe and-_

“Hey, you okay?” She looked up to see Carmilla staring back at her, a worried expression gracing her features. Flicking her eyes to the door, she noticed the elevator had stopped and LaF and Perry had apparently already exited.

“Yeah. Sorry I just spaced for a second there,” she said, following them out and down the hall towards her door. She noticed Carmilla a few steps behind and stopped, turning to the still frowning girl. “So I guess they’re home early.”

“So it would seem,” Carmilla said, shoving her hands into her back pockets and kicking the toe of her right boot into the floor. Laura had to smile at the childish behavior, somehow finding Carmilla even more adorable at that moment and realizing, not for the first time, just how much she really did like this girl.

“I don’t suppose you’d still want to stay and watch a movie or something?”

“Are you sure you want me to?” She honestly seemed surprised by the invitation. "I mean, after that, don't think you have to be polite and still invite me in."

“I’m positive I want you to,” Laura said reaching out and taking one of Carmilla’s hands. “I know it might not be the night we’d planned and that LaF will probably be LaF and make lots of inappropriate innuendos for the rest of the night, which by the way, you're totally in charge of throwing back in their face because you can totally keep up with LaF, but… I’m just not ready to say goodnight to you yet.” Carmilla just smiled back at her and let Laura pull her into the apartment.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“And that was the first time the lackwits interrupted what was sure to be an amazing evening,” Carmilla said dryly, focusing on the laptop in front of her.

“The first time? Why do I not like the sound of that?” Laura asked, looking around the room to her friend's faces. LaF and Perry had stopped by unannounced a little earlier, bringing dinner from Laura’s favorite Chinese place.

It had been a relatively quiet day up until that point. Laura and Carmilla had wound up getting back home the night before just around sunset, Laura exhausted but happy. After the first date story, they’d spent the afternoon roaming around the neighborhood they called home, Carmilla pointing out different things to Laura here and there but keeping the conversation light.

When Laura woke up that morning completely well rested, she wasn’t surprised to see Carmilla already awake, on her third cup of coffee and working on something on her computer. Knowing that Carmilla was still trying to catch up on everything, Laura decided to let her off the hook, asking if they could spend the day at home relaxing. Carmilla had instantly agreed and they’d spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon sitting in the living room, Carmilla working and Laura alternating between shows on Netflix, the conversation minimal but pleasant. She had just turned the television off and picked up her well-worn copy of 'The Prisoner of Azkaban' when she heard a loud bang on their front door, followed a moment later by laughter as her friends piled inside.

“Ugh. You know that key we gave you was supposed to be for emergencies only,” Carmilla grumbled as the two intruders made their way into the living room, food in hand. “You’d think after all these years, you guys would at least consider knocking.”

Thus leading to the latest round of ‘let's remind Laura of her past’ stories. On this episode, **T** **he Interrupting Ginger.**

“Seriously,” Carmilla said, piggybacking off Laura’s comment and refocusing on her laptop as the others finished their food. “You’d think you were all born in a barn.”

“Oh come on! It’s not like we ever actually walked in on you guys mid-deed,” LaF chimed in, causing Laura to choke on the last bite of her shrimp egg roll. “I mean, it’s been close but…”

“Wait a second. So you guys really have made a habit out of this, haven’t you? How many times have you guys interrupted us? And doing what?!?”

“Too many to count,” Carmilla muttered.

“There have been a fair amount, though it's never been intentional,” Perry said. “And it isn’t always us, so stop playing the blame game, Carmilla.”

“Yeah, Danny, Kirsch, Mel. Even Mattie and Will have been subjected to you two and your inability to keep your hands off each other. Trust me, everyone’s had their fair share of awkward, oh god please let me unsee this moment when it comes to you two. Per and I just happen to be bigger stockholders.”

“So once in the elevator, when else?” Laura asked, unsure of why she was continuing down this road, but curious, just the same.

“Oh, the elevator happened a few times,” LaF said with a chuckle. “You guys really suck at selecting your floor once you’re in. But at least you’re too much of a prude to let Karnstein have her way with you in a hanging steel box. It’s once you’re behind closed doors that it gets a little more risque.”

* * *

  ** _Seven Years Earlier_ **

She smiled at the slight intake of breath escaping Laura’s mouth as she nipped gently just below the smaller girls ear.

“You smell so good, cupcake,” she groaned, relishing in the feeling of Laura’s fingers tangling in her hair.

The evening had started innocent enough. Carmilla had shown up unannounced at Laura’s apartment after her shift ended at the bar, a half-dozen chocolate swirl cupcakes in her hand, earning an extremely grateful kiss from Laura. They found a movie that neither was really paying any attention to as they caught up with each other about their days and the tiny journalist polished off three of the sweet cakes before Carmilla was even halfway through her first.

“You enjoy those, creampuff?” Carmilla asked with a chuckle.

“So much. You certainly do a know the way to a girl's heart,” Laura answered as she snuggled closer to Carmilla on the couch.

“I’ve spent years honing my craft all in the hopes of one day impressing you,” Carmilla teased, smiling as she leaned in, placing a soft kiss on the other girl's cheek. And then another further towards her lips. And then another on the corner of Laura’s mouth. She felt Laura smile into her teasing and reveled in the feeling for a moment before connecting their lips.

She’d only meant for it to be a fairly quick kiss. While she definitely wasn’t opposed to taking their relationship further, Carmilla had surprisingly discovered that she was okay taking it slow when it came to Laura. She was actually enjoying the time they spent together, whether that time was cuddled up watching something stupid or out to dinner teasing each other or times like this, with their lips pressed together, kisses simple and patient. She really was perfectly content at the moment. And then she felt Laura’s hands tangle in her hair, tugging slightly. _Goddammit,_ she thought as she simultaneously pulled Laura closer and opened her lips, deepening the kiss, feeling Laura immediately follow suit.

Fifteen minutes later they found themselves in their current position; Laura pinned flat on her back in her bed, hands roaming up and down Carmilla’s back while the dark haired girl continued to nip at the sensitive spots on Laura’s neck she’d been discovering.

She admitted it. It was her idea that they make their way into Laura’s bedroom when things had started to turn a little heated on the couch. And while she would have been okay if Laura had declined the offer, she’d desperately hoped the smaller girl would agree to the suggestion. Much to her elation, it had actually been Laura that pulled away and then pulled her into the other room after the proposition.

It really was fine with her that they’d been taking it slow. But who was she kidding? She was ridiculously attracted to the girl beneath her who happened to smell amazing and feel even better.

Deciding to test the waters a little further she adjusted herself, letting one of her thighs slide between Laura’s as the hand not holding her up crept up Laura’s torso beneath the loose t-shirt she wore. Skin. It was soft and warm and... _so so fucking good._

Reconnecting their lips granted her another soft moan from Laura and Carmilla knew she wasn’t the only one who wanted to take this further. Still… _Maybe I should ask her._

Pulling away from the lips that she’d come to crave, she looked down, noticing Laura’s eyes had darkened considerably, her pupils blown, breath shallow.

“What? What’s wrong?” Laura panted from below her.

“Absolutely nothing, cutie. I just… I just want to make sure you’re okay with this. Because if this isn't what you want or you want to stop...” Her voice sounded strange in her ears. When had she **ever** asked a girl if she was okay? Never, that’s when.

Laura smiled up at her, moving her hands to grasp desperately at Carmilla’s shoulders and nodding once. That was enough and Carmilla crashed their lips together again, delighting in another small moan that escaped when her tongue brushed against Laura’s.

 _Just take it slow Karnstein,_ she thought, realizing that she actually wanted to enjoy this as long as she could. The kissing continued, waxing and waning before she moved back to Laura’s neck, once again finding that sweet spot behind her ear and then lower down to her shoulder where the loose t-shirt had slid off of. Allowing her hand to roam further up Laura’s torso, she felt her fingers come in contact with the thin material at the bottom of Laura’s bra. Moving back up to Laura’s lips, she smiled into the kiss when she felt Laura’s hips involuntarily start moving against her thigh.

“Hey, Hollis, you got any- whoa, what the hell!”

“Ugh, Jesus, seriously, Xena!” Carmilla felt Laura desperately trying to sit up from beneath her and took pity on the smaller girl when she turned and saw just how furiously she was blushing.

“Danny! What are you doing here?” she asked, finally able to escape her prone position.

“We said we were going to watch a movie tonight! It was supposed to be just the two of us! What is she doing here?” Danny asked, clearly beyond irritated that her evening alone with Laura had been ruined. _Shocker,_ Carmilla thought, rolling her eyes.

“Ugh, we did plan that didn’t we? I’m sorry, Danny, Carm stopped by and I just got distracted and forgot. Just... just give me a minute,” Laura said, attempting to gain some composure.

 _What???_ Carmilla turned to Laura, seeing the honest to goodness guilt mixed in with her embarrassment and felt her stomach drop. _So I guess that’s it. Guess I know where I stand,_ she thought moving to the edge of the bed where her boots had landed earlier when she’d kicked them off.

Carmilla felt Danny glowering her way and met the taller girls eyes in challenge, not looking away until she’d left the room. _Fucking giantess._ She shook her head, reaching for her boots and pulling the first one on.

“You’re not leaving are you?” The panic in Laura’s voice was clear as day at that moment but she didn’t care.

“Well, you apparently had plans so yeah.” Why did she sound so pissy? _Oh right, because you totally just got cut off from the girl you really like by the girl that really likes her and who you can’t fucking stand! And Laura chose her!_

“Carmilla, no, you don’t have to go. I’m sorry, I was so happy to see you tonight that I completely forgot about the movie thing with Danny when you showed up. But you can stay. We can all watch something together, the three of us.” Carmilla knew Laura was trying to placate everyone but that was bullshit. And it definitely didn’t ease the sting that she was choosing to let Danny stay when they’d clearly been enjoying the night together, just the two of them. _Why is she choosing her over me?_

“I think I’ll pass on that,” she said, sliding on her other boot and quickly lacing them up. She stood, straightening her clothes and turned, hating that the hurt look on Laura’s face made her feel guilty. But why should she feel guilty? She hadn’t done anything wrong. “I’ll see myself out.”

“No, Carm wait!” Laura knelt on the end of the bed, grabbing onto Carmilla’s hand just as she was about to pass. “Please don’t be upset. I really didn’t mean for this to happen tonight.”

_Which part? The part where you forgot about your date with Sasquatch or the part where we accidentally almost slept together?_

Feeling the anger in her chest swelling along with some other emotions that she was less familiar with, she shook her head to clear it, desperate to just get out and away before she did or said something stupid.

“It’s fine, I’ll talk to you later,” she said, leaning in to leave a small kiss on Laura’s cheek before leaving, but not before sending a glare at Danny on her way out, who, she noted, looked beyond smug with her departure.

 _That fucking tree!_ This was the second time Danny had barged in on her time with Laura. And why was it that Laura felt compelled to play nice with her? Sure they were friends, she knew that. And yes, they’d known each other longer than she’d been around. And so what, if they’d made plans for the night before Carmilla showed up?

Fuming the whole ten-minute walk back to her apartment only made her feel worse. Why was she letting this bother her so much? After all, they were just dating, right? Just having fun?

 _Just having fun is usually enjoyable and doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re second place!_ she thought as she tossed her jacket off and plopped down on her threadbare couch. But that was it because she felt like she was just picked second and it hurt. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. Maybe she was in over her head. Or worse, maybe she had all these stupid feeling for Laura. And maybe Laura didn’t feel the same way back.

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

Carmilla continued to pretend to look at the laptop in front of her but she could feel Laura’s eyes on her and at the moment, she wished the smaller girl would look somewhere else. Why the hell had she brought all that up? Why was that the next story that Laura had to hear? She remembered that night very well. It hurt like hell and the next morning when she'd woken up, it didn't feel any better because she'd realized she was too far gone over Laura to simply bow out. But Laura obviously didn't feel the same. So what the hell was she supposed to do? She'd thought and thought about it and kept coming to the same conclusion: she was going to end up getting hurt. And boy did that just fucking suck.

“Carmilla?”

“Huh?” She snapped out of her reverie, looking up to a confused Laura across from her on the couch. On the other sofa, LaF and Perry were laughing about something, lost in their own world of whatever hilarious memory had apparently come up.

“Are you okay?” She turned back to Laura, that confused look still locked on her sweet face.

“Yeah, fine.” She attempted a reassuring smile but apparently, Laura wasn’t buying it.

“You were upset when you left that night, weren’t you?” She said it quietly, apparently trying to keep the dynamic duo from hearing them.

“It was no big deal,” Carmilla said with a shrug.

“It was if I hurt you.” Carmilla stared for a moment, completely caught off guard by the comment. It had happened seven years ago and here Laura was worried about how a much younger Carmilla felt. Which of course, Carmilla did not want to talk about.

“Laura, it’s fine, really. It was a long time ago and you didn’t do anything wrong.” Carmilla turned more towards Laura, taking another moment with her thoughts and taking note that the others in the room still weren’t paying attention. “Regardless of my feelings about Lawrence, she’s your friend. I know that. Besides, it was still really early for us then. You didn’t owe me anything.”

She carefully watched Laura’s face, the confusion still there but also the disappointment, though she wasn’t sure who it was aimed at past Carmilla, current Carmilla or the situation as a whole.

“I’ve always been a rule follower,” Laura said after a moment, apparently trying to break the tension.

“That you are, Hollis,” she said fondly.

“So… what happened after that? Did you ignore me again for a week like you did the first time she barged in on us?” Laura asked with a small smile and Carmilla couldn’t help but return it.

“Not quite.”

* * *

  ** _Seven Years Earlier_ **

Laura was going over her notes for the fifth time, sighing when she once again found herself sidetracked with thoughts of Carmilla and why she was late. The dark haired girl had missed class that morning and had only answered Laura’s worried text sometime that afternoon, claiming that she’d overslept but confirming that they were still on for a study session that night.

Laura looked at her phone once again, double-checking that she hadn’t missed anything, and of course, since it hadn’t left her side all day, she was met with disappointment. Though she hadn’t seen Carmilla since the other night when she’d showed up unannounced, they had talked a few times. Laura had attempted to breach the Danny subject once but was immediately shut down when Carmilla told her it wasn’t a big deal and had then changed the subject.

_It’s not like I did anything wrong. I mean, I had plans with Danny in the first place. Hanging out with her was the right thing to do. And I always do the right thing!_

She was taken out of her thoughts by a knock on the door and quickly made her way to open it, taking in a nonchalant looking Carmilla on the other side.

“Hey, cutie, sorry I’m late,” she said, stepping into the apartment and leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s cheek.

“Is everything okay?” Laura asked.

“Yeah, just running behind today, no big deal,” she answered with a shrug before pointing towards the kitchen where Laura’s books still lay spread out on the island. “You getting started without me?”

“Not really, I was just reviewing a few things.” Something was off. Carmilla hadn’t been this detached in weeks and if she had to guess the cause, she figured she could nail it on her first try. Deciding to test the waters, Laura stepped in front of her, taking both Carmilla’s hands in hers and giving them a gentle squeeze.

“What happened today?” Nothing. Carmilla glanced at her for a moment before looking away and shrugging again. “Come on Carm, talk to me. Is something wrong? Did I do something? Is this about the other night?”

“Laura, no. The other night… it happened, it’s over, it wasn’t a big deal.”

“But you seemed upset when you left and if you’re upset with me, I’d like to know.”

“I’m not upset with you. You had other plans. I shouldn’t have just shown up like that without at least calling or something first. I won’t do it again.”

“No, I like that you just randomly showed up!” Laura pulled Carmilla closer, holding tightly to her hands. “Carm I like having you around. I like spending time with you. You know that right?”

“Yeah, I do. I just…” Laura waited patiently, watching Carmilla look away for a moment, her gaze focused across the room. “It’s nothing you did, Laura.”

“Well, is it Danny?” Carmilla scoffed at that, still avoiding eye contact.

“I’m definitely not the biggest Lawrence fan out there.”

“I know. But, Carm, you’re going to have to find a way to deal with her because she’s my friend and I care about her.” Later Laura would swear she saw Carmilla flinch at her words but at the moment, she was too determined to notice. “You are both part of my life and, well I’m not asking the two of you to be best friends but, it’d be nice if you could at least be civil.”

She watched as Carmilla turned her gaze back towards her, taking a moment to stare into her eyes before nodding once. Laura smiled, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s shoulders. She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Carmilla’s lips, leaning their foreheads together at the end.

“I am sorry about the other night. I really was having fun with you and I would’ve much rather been with you than her, it’s just… we made plans and I didn’t want to welsh on that.” She took a moment to gather her thoughts, hoping that she wouldn’t say something that would end up hurting the other girl. “I like you a lot Carm and I know you don’t love my friends but I don’t want to have to choose.”

“I get that,” Carmilla said, finally looking up and meeting Laura’s eyes. “And I guess I’ll have to muddle through it if I want to keep seeing you huh?”

“Well… maybe not a ton of muddling. I mean, I kind of like it when it’s just the two of us.” She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Carmilla’s now slightly smiling lips, sighing happily when she felt two soft hands squeeze at her hips. “So, how about we skip the studying, pop some popcorn and watch a movie instead.”

“Like you even have to ask, cupcake,” Carmilla said, kissing her once more, seeming almost relieved but Laura wasn’t sure why. Deciding not to push any further, she pulled Carmilla into the living room and onto the couch before attempting to decide what to watch.

Half an hour later they were snuggled up there, Carmilla's back against her chest, her arms wrapped around Carmilla from behind, occasionally leaving soft kisses on the dark-haired girl's temple. This felt different, it felt comfortable. It felt amazing. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Carmilla’s shampoo and sighed happily, giggling at the feeling of Carmilla’s fingertips tickling along the back of her knee.

“This movie is horrible, creampuff. I don’t know how much longer I can sit here pretending to watch it.”

“Well, you didn’t offer up any suggestions when I asked what you were in the mood for.”

“I did too. You just immediately vetoed my Dawn of the Dead request.”

“I am not about to watch some terrifying zombie movie and then be too scared to close my eyes tonight after you leave.”

“Was that your attempt to get me to stay?” Carmilla teased, turning slightly with a smirk, catching Laura’s eye. Laura smiled back, leaning forward and catching Carmilla’s lips with hers. It was an awful tempting idea, especially when she felt Carmilla reach back, threading her fingers through Laura’s hair, softly biting her bottom lip as she pulled back a moment later. “I mean, I’m more than happy to offer up my serv-”

“Oh, awesome, you’re both here.”

“Son of a bitch!” Carmilla turned and flopped back into her original position leaning against Laura, arms crossed and frowning. Laura couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her at the visual, wrapping her arms around Carmilla from behind once again and giving her a squeeze.

“Why is it awesome that we’re both here?” Laura asked, not bothering to turn towards LaF and Perry who were currently struggling into the kitchen, weighed down by grocery bags.

“We’re having an impromptu game night and we need more people. Danny and Mel are on their way now,” Perry said, setting down her bags gently on the counter while LaF dropped theirs unceremoniously in a pile. “Laura, could you possibly help me get some of these snacks together while LaF gets out the games? Carmilla, perhaps you could also help.”

“Oh yeah, that’s what I want to do,” Carmilla grumbled.

“What was that?”

“She said she’ll be happy to help,” Laura said with a smile, before leaning into Carmilla’s ear and lowering her voice. “I know this isn’t what you want to do tonight but I promise, I’ll make it up to you.”

Carmilla turned to Laura, heaving a deep sigh and kissing her once on the cheek.

“Next time, we’re hanging out at my place,” she said before getting up and following LaF.

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

Carmilla finally closed her laptop, exhausted from trying to play catch up with clients and rescheduling and portfolio work. She looked to her right where Laura was asleep, curled in on herself under the blanket from the back of the couch.

The visiting duo had left not long after the last reminiscence, both promising to visit later in the week. She’d noticed Laura had been yawning more towards the end but stayed focused throughout the tale. She’d even grabbed up her book once her friends were gone, surprising Carmilla by not asking more questions, but she didn’t press the issue. Maybe she’d heard enough for the day. Carmilla had to imagine it could be overwhelming trying to digest so many memories that you just couldn’t… remember. Still, she wanted to make sure that Laura was taken care of and sleeping on the couch was definitely not what her doctor had recommended.

Carmilla set her things aside and got up, moving towards Laura and kneeling in front of her. She gently reached up, half tempted to brush a stray piece of hair behind the smaller girls ear but refrained and settled on gently shaking her shoulder, carefully rousing the girl.

“Hey, what’s going on?” That sleepy voice. Carmilla had missed it.

“It’s past your bedtime, kid. Come on.” She stood and offered her hand to Laura, unsure if she’d take it but grateful when she did. Squeezing once she walked them out of the living room and aimed Laura towards the hallway to their bedroom. “Go get some sleep.”

“Are you sure? I feel awful making you sleep on the couch again,” Laura said, apparently waking up a tad. “I can sleep out there tonight, really. I know you aren’t sleeping well on it and I know you didn’t sleep while I was in the hospital. You need to get some rest.”

“I’m fine on the couch, Laura, really. In fact, I’m so tired tonight, I’m not even sure I have the energy to get out of these clothes,” Carmilla joked, pulling slightly at the hem of her shirt. “Go on. Go sleep.”

Laura looked at her one last time before nodding and turning away to make her way to their room. She stopped just before reaching the door and turned back, smiling softly.

"Goodnight, Carm."

Carmilla watched until the door closed, smiling like an idiot and suddenly feeling a lightness that she hadn’t felt since before that goddamned accident.

_Carm. She called me Carm._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not an easy chapter to write so I apologize to anyone disappointed by it's contents but everything I write is relevant to some part of the story, so just remember that. Thanks again for reading.
> 
> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	8. If I Didn’t Care Would I Feel This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla is the typical broody Carmilla we all know and love and Laura learns exactly how her friends really felt about Carmilla in the beginning of their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who ordered the angst? Anyone?
> 
> This chapter got rewritten like three times but I actually love the way it came out and I hope you all do too.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

Laura stood in front of their balcony door, taking in the beautiful surroundings and letting the sun’s early rays surround her in their warmth. She was half tempted to actually go sit outside on the wicker furniture she was sure she’d picked out to furnish their small patio but decided against it, not wanting to worry Carmilla if she woke up and didn’t happen to see her as she passed by the kitchen. She took a sip from the steaming mug in her good hand and sighed happily, feeling something close to normal for the first time since before the accident.

She’d woken up about an hour earlier and after taking in the quiet within the walls surrounding her and hoping that meant Carmilla was still asleep, decided to shower and get ready before venturing out for her morning coffee. She’d cut a whole thirty seconds off her shower time, which was fairly impressive and had even managed to dry her hair for the first time since being home.

Staring out at the gorgeous view, she wondered if this was the norm and smiled at the thought. It would be nice. Beautiful home, her dad and some of the most supportive friends she could ask for, a good job, which she was looking forward to getting back to soon. This could work.

She was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of a muffled grumble and the shuffle of feet behind her. Turning she saw Carmilla shamble into the room, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and looking very much not yet awake. The sight warmed her further as this was the first time she’d seen Carmilla without the makeup and fitted clothes, which she was really starting to appreciate. No, the girl before her stood, hair tousled, rumpled black tank top and soft cotton shorts, face free of any cosmetics.

_And she’s still so beautiful._

“Good morning,” Laura greeted her softly, giggling a little as her voice seemed to startle Carmilla despite the fact that she was only a few feet away. The grunt she got in return only increased her amusement. _Apparently, she really isn’t a morning person._ “I made coffee. Would you like some?” Carmilla simply nodded and stumbled further into the kitchen, still swiping at her eyes and pushing the hair out of her face. Laura laughed again, unable to help herself which caught Carmilla’s attention and she stopped completely, turning to face Laura, frowning in confusion.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, sorry. Here, why don’t you sit down and I’ll get it for you,” Laura said, moving back towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, okay, thanks, cutie.” Laura glanced over as she grabbed one of the many mugs available from the cupboard and saw Carmilla immediately cringe at her slip. Apparently, her brain was at least a little awake but her mouth hadn’t quite gotten the memo. “Shit, sorry, Laura.”

“No, it’s okay. Um, how do you take this?” she asked as she poured the roasted liquid into the mug she’d grabbed.

“Black.”

Carmilla sat at one of the stools and smiled her thanks as Laura sat the mug in front of her, seemingly still a little embarrassed at her slip-up.

“So exactly how many nicknames do you have for me?” Laura asked, attempting to lighten the mood as she slid onto the stool next to Carmilla.

“Too many to count,” Carmilla said with a chuckle, glancing at Laura for a moment before becoming serious again, turning her gaze back to the mug cradled between her hands. “I’ve really been trying not to… it just came out. Old habits.”

“It’s fine, really. I get it. You don’t have to apologize.” She reached out and placed a comforting hand on Carmilla’s forearm, watching the dark-haired girl turn to her curiously. “When I said what I did at the hospital… well, obviously I didn’t know who you were at the time. I was confused and scared… and maybe a little feisty,” she said, happy when Carmilla finally genuinely smiled at her. “But you didn’t do anything wrong. And maybe it would help, you know? If I heard you talking to me just like you normally would, maybe it’ll spark something?”

“Worth a try,” Carmilla said with a shrug, finally taking a sip of her coffee and humming happily in response. “So, you’re all dressed and ready. You get your bandage back on?”

“No,” Laura muttered in frustration, causing Carmilla to chuckle once again. “And I did it exactly like you’ve been doing it the last few days. The damn tape still won’t stick right.”

“Don’t sweat it, creampuff, I’ve just always had the magic touch when it comes to you.” Laura felt her face immediately heat up and looked away until Carmilla’s laugh brought her eyes back. “You said to talk to you like I normally would…”

“Oh... yeah... right.” Carmilla just smiled at her over the rim of her mug and stood.

“I’ll dial it back a little. Stay there. I’ll get the tape and help you,” she said as she left the room.

* * *

Sitting on the kitchen stool a little while later, reading through the headlines on her laptop that Carmilla had sat in front of her and so graciously given her the password to when all her old standbys didn’t work, Laura waited as patiently as she could for Carmilla to finish getting ready. The dark haired girl had helped her once again with her bandages and this time, there may have been more blushing than usual due to the magic touch comment that morning, but Carmilla had been polite as always, keeping the actual skin on skin contact to a minimum and making sure everything was properly in place before coming out of nurse mode, smirking at Laura and sauntering off to get ready for the day.

And it really was a saunter too. _That girl can walk…_

Her phone beeped at her, pulling her out of her thoughts on how good Carmilla’s legs looked under those tiny gray cotton shorts. _Not now Laura._ She picked it up and glanced at the readout, seeing a text from Perry asking if she was up to having a late lunch with her, LaF, and Danny at around two. As she sent back a quick ‘Absolutely!’ Carmilla emerged from the guest bathroom, fresh-faced and ready for the day.

“I’m going to ask Mel to take a look that shower. The pressure is terrible. And she was able to fix the one at our old place.”

“You know, you could just use the master bathroom. I’m not banishing you from it.”

“I know. Just thought you might like it for now,” Carmilla said with a shrug and Laura smiled at her. _Another sweet gesture._ “Alright, you ready?”

“Yeah, um, I just got a text from Perry though. She was asking for me to meet the gang for lunch later.” She watched Carmilla’s face carefully, noticing the other girl’s expression subtly changing from content to a blank slate and wondered why. “Do you think that would be okay?”

“Sure. I’ll drop you off after the doctor,” she said, dropping her gaze and walking away to grab her things, her voice flat and bored, devoid of the teasing tone she'd used earlier.

“Are you sure? Do you want to come too?”

“No, I’m fine,” she said, grabbing her jacket and keys, turning to Laura expectantly and nodding towards the door. Laura just nodded and followed her out, unsure of what else to do or say.

* * *

Laura pulled uncomfortably at the backward hospital gown she’d been forced into and fidgeted on the bed for what had to be at least the eighth time since they’d entered the room, the waxy paper below her crinkling noisily in protest. Carmilla looked up at her anxiously from her spot in the corner, obviously picking up on Laura’s discomfort.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to wait outside?” Carmilla had asked her that three times now, the dark haired girl clearly finding Laura’s discomfort completely unnerving. “I mean, if you want me in here, I’ll stay. I just don’t want to make you more uncomfortable.”

“No, stay, please. Just in case something happens.” Laura appreciated the concern and she knew Carmilla was just trying to be helpful, but the thought of her leaving now left a little bit of panic creeping into Laura’s chest. Carmilla just nodded, continuing to fidget with the clasp of the leather cuff on her right wrist.

Hopefully, things would go smoothly at the appointment. If everything was healing properly, her stitches would come out today and she was beyond grateful at the prospect of being able to remove one thing off the list. Or at least one thing off the list of all the stuff she had to ask Carmilla to help with.

She looked over once more, noticing not for the first time that morning that Carmilla seemed to avoid her gaze. Whatever it was that had happened between them getting ready and leaving the house that had caused the complete one-eighty in Carmilla’s mood was a mystery and she was completely lost. Shifting noisily again, she opened her mouth twice in an attempt to ask but was saved from any further conversation as her doctor entered the room at that moment.

“Carmilla, Laura, so good to see you both,” she said with a smile. “How are you feeling, Laura?”

“Much better, Dr. Petersen. Still a little tender with the ribs but they seem to be okay.”

“Well that’s to be expected but good news, nonetheless. The x-rays do indicate they are healing. How about the arm? I took a look at your x-rays from the hospital and it appeared to be a fairly clean break in your radius.”

“It’s okay,” Laura said, lifting her weighty casted forearm for inspection. “It mostly just itches.” She caught sight of a smirking Carmilla out of the corner of her eye and sent the dark-haired girl a small smile in return, elated to see Carmilla grin for the first time since they’d left the house.

“Very good,” the doctor said. “How about the memory? Any difference there?”

Laura felt her face fall and shook her head, once again catching Carmilla out of the corner of her eye, no longer looking so amused. She looked back to the doctor, taking in her nod as she made a note on the tablet in her hand.

“Do you… do you think this will be permanent?”

“Honestly, Laura, it is a possibility, though it is far more likely that you will eventually recover some if not all of your memories. Don’t give up on that just yet. You have a great support system, rely on them, that’s what I recommend.”

“Is there anything else we can do?” Carmilla quietly asked.

“I’ve had patients in similar circumstances before. Stories from their loved ones, photos, visits to important places, all of these things seemed to help. I wish I had a magic answer for you but unfortunately, this is a case by case basis. As I said, just don’t give up hope quite yet. It’s still early.” She smiled at each girl in turn before moving back to the examination. “Any pain anywhere else or any trouble mentally with concentration or anything like that?” Once again, Laura shook her head, taking in the promising nod and smile from her doctor as she made another note on her tablet. “Alright, excellent. Let’s take a look at the surgical incision then and see if the stitches are ready to come out.”

Laura quickly looked over to Carmilla, watching as she very sweetly turned and looked at the wall behind her as Laura’s gown came open. She couldn’t help smiling at the thoughtful gesture and allowed the doctor to make her inspection.

“Excellent, you’re healing exceptionally well Laura. We’ll go ahead and take these out today and then the two of you can be on your way unless you have any other questions for me.” Laura shook her head and then attempted to sit as still as possible as the stitches were removed from her torso over the next few minutes. “Alright, all set,” Dr. Petersen said as she finished the procedure, double checking the immediate area around the incision for anything out of the ordinary. “Now remember, still take it easy as your skin is not one hundred percent yet. But other than that, I think you are doing incredibly well under the circumstances Laura. Everything seems to be healing but please call the office if anything unusual comes up, alright?” Laura just nodded, quietly thanking the doctor as she left.

Hopping off the table, she quickly grabbed her shirt, swapping it for the starchy paper gown. Finally turning towards Carmilla, she noticed she was still facing the wall, apparently very invested in the poster showcasing a diagram of a human nasal cavity with an advertisement for some new miracle drug at the bottom promising an allergy-free season. Smiling at the girl’s chivalry, she buttoned the last button on her shirt.

“Okay, I’m decent.” Carmilla finally turned and smiled quickly before making her way out of the room. Laura could’ve sworn she saw a slight blush creeping up her neck and smiled. _Finally got her._

The two left the office in silence, quietly walking towards the worn Jeep Wrangler that Carmilla apparently drove in the colder weather when her bike was less than practical. After they climbed in, she pointed them towards downtown Silas where Laura was supposed to meet her friends. Laura kept throwing glances around, trying not to look like she was staring at Carmilla and the frown deeply etched upon her face. What had she done wrong?

Things had been so good since she’d been home. Carmilla had been so sweet and patient with her. They’d been getting along great up until this morning and she honestly had no idea what she might have said or done to cool Carmilla’s demeanor toward her. But dammit, she had a right to know! And almost as important, needed to break the uncomfortable atmosphere in the car.

She turned towards Carmilla, taking note that the other girl kept her eyes locked on the road, her hands perfectly placed at ten and two on the steering wheel, seemingly driving as carefully as possible, something that Laura had not expected, knowing what she did of Carmilla.

_Say something!_

“So, nice weather we’re having.” _Great opening Hollis._

“Sure.”

“I love the fall. I mean, I’m sure you know that. You know lots about me and the fall’s just so great. The air is so crisp and there’s delicious fall snacks and you know I love snacks.” _Do you have a point here???_

“Yeah.”

“So um… can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Are you okay? Did something happen? Did I do something to upset you?”

Carmilla just shook her head, still focused on the road and Laura felt her heart literally aching within her chest.

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

Frustrated and at a loss of what else to do, Laura turned her gaze away and out her own window, letting the uncomfortable silence once again take over. How was she supposed to fix something that she wasn’t even sure she’d broken? This side of Carmilla... this was new. She’d obviously heard about how quickly the girl could turn off the charm and shut down over the last few days from the different stories she’d been told, but seeing it first hand and aimed at her was completely different and left her feeling beyond desperate and helpless.

Carmilla slowed the vehicle and aimed towards the curb in front of their destination, which due to being so deep in thought, Laura hadn’t even realized they were so close to. Outside the restaurant, she could see Perry, LaF, and Danny standing there, talking and laughing, apparently waiting for her. She glanced back at Carmilla once, who she noted still wouldn’t look at her and sighed before opening her door and climbing out.

“Perry said they’d give me a ride home so…”

“Fine,” Carmilla grumbled, still avoiding her gaze. Sighing again, she closed the door and stood back, watching as Carmilla drove off. This was not at all how she’d hoped this day would go. It was supposed to be a celebratory day. A day one step closer to normalcy. Apparently, that pipe dream had flown the coop with Carmilla’s sweetness early this morning.

“Frosh! Look at you all walking around looking human.” She turned and smiled at her friends, slowly walking towards them and greeting each one with a hug.

“How was your appointment?”

“Good. Stitches are out and the doctor thinks I’m doing fine.”

“Well, that is fantastic news!” Perry jumped in, looping her arm around Laura’s good one and leading her into the restaurant.

A few minutes later after they were seated and had placed their orders, the three gingers took over, all smiling and talking excitedly over one another. Laura attempted to join in momentarily but her heart wasn’t in it.

“Sweetie, is everything alright?” Perry asked, reaching across the table to place a comforting hand on top of Laura’s.

“I don’t know,” Laura answered with a shrug. “It’s just been kind of a weird day. Carmilla and I… well I’m not sure what happened.”

“Did you guys have a fight?” LaF asked.

“No, not really. I mean, no we didn’t. Something is just up with her. She’s been broody most of the day and I’m not sure what to do or even really why she’s acting like that.”

“Carmilla’s being broody? Shocker,” Danny said, rolling her eyes.

“Did something happen after we left last night?” Perry asked.

“No. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and she woke me up a little while later. We said goodnight and that was it. She seemed fine. And then this morning, after we woke up, she was still all sweet and super nice. It was like a switch though and all of sudden something was just different. I honestly have no idea what though.”

“Are you sure she was fine last night? I mean… after everything you heard?” LaF asked.

“Yes, she was totally awesome up until walking out the door for the doctor. Why?” She looked to Perry and LaF across the table from her for help and they shared a nervous glance before turning back to Laura, sympathy clouding both of their faces.

“What am I missing here?” Danny asked.

“Last night, we were telling L about a couple of times we kind of interrupted her and Carm when they first started dating.”

“When they first started dating? Dude, I caught them about to get down and dirty on their balcony like three weeks ago,” Danny said, attempting to lighten the mood.

“Okay, first of all, Carmilla is right, you guys were all totally born in a barn. And secondly, why do you all use your emergency keys when it’s not an emergency?!?”

“It totally was. It was mine and Betty’s anniversary and we were doing the whole romantic dinner at home thing with wine and music. And I needed the Bluetooth speakers you’d borrowed from me the week before, which by the way, do I want to know why they were in your bedroom? Or why just one of your kitchen chairs was in there, smack dab in the middle of the room, surrounded by candles?”

“How in the hell am I supposed to know?!” Laura said, unsure why she was blushing but having a pretty good idea it involved something she was not ready to think about.

“Don’t worry about it, Hollis. I disinfected them as soon as I got home.”

“Look, anyway, I really don’t know what it is. I’m sure if my stupid brain was working, I could figure it out but it’s not so I’m stuck at what the hell happened and what it is that’s really bothering her. Why are you guys convinced it was something that happened last night?”

“We aren’t convinced, it just seemed like there was some tension about halfway through the night.”

“Yes, there was definitely something in the air, but I thought maybe Carmilla was just upset by the memory. Maybe there was more to it than what she told you last night.”

“Like what? I mean I thought there was more but what exactly happened?”

“That’s not something we can really fill in for you, sweetie. You have to remember, Laura, back then Carmilla was still very closed off to everyone but you,” Perry added. “So if something more was bothering her, we wouldn’t know. You were the only one she really confided in.”

“Yeah, well apparently she’s not feeling very chatty.”

“What was the story last night about?” Danny asked.

“I guess it happened a few weeks after she and I started dating. We were in my room together and you apparently just barged in while we were in the middle of… something.” Laura could feel her cheeks heat up and rolled her eyes at her own embarrassment. “And then she left and I guess a few days later when I saw her again, there was still some strain there but that part, I’m still not completely clear on.”

“Well, I distinctly remember the first scenario. Not the most pleasant thing to walk in on when at the time, I was really hoping you’d have gotten rid of her. And I do remember her storming out all pouty and pissed off. That was a good moment for me,” Danny said with an overly nostalgic smile, causing Laura to roll her eyes once again. “Oh come on, Hollis, I’m just kidding. That was a long time ago and she was such a pain in the ass then. I mean she still is but it was different. Besides, if that night created a little rift for you guys, she better own up to being the reason behind the fight the four of us had afterward.”

“What fight?”

* * *

**_Seven Years Earlier_ **

“So thanks for hanging tonight, Hollis,” Danny said, smiling gently at her from her seat near the middle of the couch. “I had a great time.”

“Yeah, sure, me too,” Laura said, smiling back but thinking that there were other things she would’ve rather done that night. She glanced at her phone once more, hoping to have a message from Carmilla but finding nothing. Of course, she’d told Carmilla that this was her plan for the night, also throwing in that she would have rather spent an evening with just the two of them together but since Carmilla had a shift at the bar, that wasn’t possible. The dark haired girl had simply kissed her on the cheek and told her to have fun, though, with Danny in the mix, Laura doubted she meant it wholeheartedly.

Apparently, movie night with Danny was becoming a regular thing as this was the third night in the last week they’d spent together. And it wasn’t that she minded hanging out with Danny. After all, they were friends. But this was starting to feel less like friends hanging out and more like Danny attempting to insert herself further into Laura’s life.

“We should do it again, soon.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You know, maybe we could even go out for a movie? And maybe have dinner too?”

“Um…” Laura turned on the couch towards Danny, once again wondering why she insisted on sitting so close and really hoping this conversation was not headed down the path it seemed to be. “I mean, yeah, I guess we could do that. We could see if LaF and Perry want to go and do a fun, friend night thing.”

“Well, I was actually thinking it could just be the two of us.” _Dammit._

“Danny, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” _Please don’t push this Lawrence._

“But we have so much fun together. We’re like perfect movie buddies. Plus with dinner, we could go somewhere nice. Like maybe with candles or something. Why would that be so bad?”

“Because that sounds very much like a date and that’s not something we should be doing.”

“Why not?” Danny asked incredulously.

“Danny, come on. You know why.”

“Because of that vulture?”

“Hey!”

“Whoa, what’s going on in here?” LaF asked as they walked into the apartment, Perry only a step behind them.

“Danny’s being an asshole!” Laura said, hopping off the couch and storming towards the kitchen to put some space between her and her so-called friend.

“Care to elaborate on that, L?”

“Look, you have no right to say these things about Carmilla. We’re dating, we’re together, you can’t talk about her like that.”

“You’re together, really? What she’s your girlfriend now? That’s the biggest joke eve,r Laura,” Danny said, getting up from her seat as well, her voice rising as she did. “Which number are you in her little black book of girls to call when she’s bored, like seventeen? Twenty-four? Ninety-three? That girl is just playing around with you and I can’t believe you were about to actually fall for her shit! I can’t believe you almost slept with her!”

“Wait, Laura, sweetie, you almost what?”

“That is such crap, Danny!” Laura continued, completely ignoring the other two in the room. “You don’t know anything about Carmilla. And it’s none of your business if I do or don’t sleep with her. I’ll do what I want. If that’s Carmilla then that’s what I’ll do!”

“You are unbelievable, Hollis! Pull your head out of your ass for five seconds! As soon as you sleep with her, she’s gone, we all know that. She’ll get what she wants and then she’ll have no interest in you. Ask LaF and Perry, they agree with me!”

“What?!?” Laura turned to her two best friends, still standing near the doorway, now doing their best impressions of a couple of goldfishes flung out of a bowl. “You are all unbelievable! You’re supposed to be my best friends!”

“We are, Frosh and we never said we agreed with Danny.”

“Hey, you did too!”

“Now, Laura, sweetie, we know how much you like Carmilla but we do have some concerns. We just don’t want to see you get hurt. Carmilla has a reputation for getting around, we all know this.”

“Oh my god! I cannot believe you guys,” Laura said. “I really like this girl and she’s been so sweet and good to me. We’ve been going out for a few weeks now and she hasn’t tried anything!”

“Sure as hell looked like she was trying something last week when she had you pinned to your bed!”

“She had you pinned to your bed?” Perry actually looked horrified at this point.

“Yes, she did! And until Danny walked in, holy Hufflepuff did it feel amazing to have an incredibly fun, sexy, exceptionally respectful girl, who I really like and who asked me if I wanted to stop, pinning me to said bed!”

“Aww, she was checking in with you? That’s really sweet, Frosh,” LaFontaine chimed in, seeming genuinely happy for a second.

“Oh shove it, LaF! You guys are all judging her and judging me for liking her and that’s so not fair! I get it, yes Carmilla has a reputation. Everyone here knows that. But for the last couple of weeks, have any of you seen her with anyone else? No! Have you heard about her with anyone else? No! Have any of you heard any incredibly noisy, gasping moans of ‘oh yes, right there Carm’ coming from my room? No! She’s been incredible and you guys are totally ruining this!”

Laura turned and stormed into her room, slamming the door behind her and turning her stereo on, Paramore blasting through the speakers and drowning out the fight continuing in the other room. Hearing LaF and Danny starting to go at each other, she turned the volume up and threw herself onto her bed.

Paramore did the job as she didn’t hear anything beyond the muffle of two more slamming doors for the next ten minutes. _Jerks!_ What kind of friends did she have that they were all going behind her back, talking about her and the girl that she actually really liked? They had no right to say such horrible things about Carmilla. Carmilla who had been so patient and thoughtful and… she didn’t even realize that tears had started trailing down her cheeks until she felt one fall off her chin. Wiping angrily at her face, she sat up in her bed, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging tightly. Unsure of what else to do, she reached for her phone, sending off a quick text, a lifeline.

 **_Laura (10:24PM):_ ** _Hey, are you busy?_

She stared at her phone for a few minutes before a message came back.

 **_Carm (10:27PM):_ ** _Bar’s so slammed tonight. What’s up? You okay, cutie?_

She sighed, knowing it wasn’t right to bring Carmilla into this. This was her problem and her stupid jerkface friends.

 **_Laura (10:29PM):_ ** _Yeah, fine. Just thinking about you. But I’ll talk to you tomorrow._

She tossed her phone to the end of her bed and flopped back dramatically. This was the worst night ever! As the last song faded out, she distinctly heard the sound of a soft knock on her door and rolled her eyes.

“Go away!”

“Laura, sweetie.” Perry cracked the door open and carefully stuck her head in. “I know you’re upset, but I just want to check on you.”

“Normally when people tell you to go away, you do that, you don’t just let yourself into their room.”

She lay there on her back for a moment, arm thrown across her eyes, noticing the silence surrounding her and guessing that Perry had probably turned off her stereo. Throwing her arm from her eyes and leaning up onto her elbows, she glared at the overly distressed girl standing there.

“What do you want, Perry?”

“I owe you an apology. In fact, we all do but Danny stormed out and LaFontaine’s in our room throwing a conniption fit at the moment.” She watched as Perry took a few cautious steps before sitting carefully at the very edge of her bed. “Laura, sweetie, we were just looking out for you. We shouldn’t have gone about it the way we did and we shouldn’t have talked about it behind your back. We should’ve voiced our concerns to you directly and listened to what you had to say in return.”

“Little late for that now, Per, don’t you think?”

“Yes, it is. Look, I don’t know what happened between you and Danny tonight. But I do know what happened between her and LaFontaine and I. Yes, we talked about you and about your situation with Carmilla. Danny has her own concerns about the relationship but that’s her place to tell you, not mine. As far as LaFontaine and I though, yes, we have some apprehension about Carmilla and her vast reputation.”

“Perry…!”

“But, we also have seen first hand how she is with you. She does seem different when you’re around. You seem to bring out the best in her and we just want you to know that we love you and we want you to be happy. If Carmilla makes you happy, that’s great. We just want you to be careful. And before you go off and yell at me again, just know that I’d be giving this same speech if you were dating anyone else, regardless of who they were. We just want what’s best for you, Laura.”

“What’s best for me is to have my best friends supporting me,” Laura grumbled.

“Yes, that’s very true and you have our support, one hundred percent. I know it may not seem that way now but believe me, we are here for you and we don’t want to see you getting hurt or your relationship with Carmilla to fail. Again, we just want to see you happy.”

Laura looked at her friend, seeing the utter sincerity in Perry’s eyes and knowing she’d meant every word she’d just said, even if she was a pain in the ass and went about this whole thing totally the wrong way.

“This doesn’t mean I’m not still pissed at you guys,” she said with a pout.

“Understandable, we deserve that.” A soft vibration coming from the end of the bed caught both of their attention. Perry picked the phone up, glanced at it for a moment and smiled before handing it to Laura. “I’ll make pancakes in the morning. You can yell at us some more then.”

Laura watched as she quietly left the room before flipping her phone open and glancing down at the readout.

 **_Carm (10:47PM):_ ** _Thinking about you too, cupcake._

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

“You know, on further review, we were kind of jerks,” LaF said, tapping their chin thoughtfully. The group had just left the restaurant, leaving a hefty tip for the server that had to put up with them long after they’d outstayed their welcome.

“You think?” Laura said, attempting to reign in her shock.

“Come on, Hollis, we were just looking out for you. We care about you.”

“If it helps, you definitely made us pay. We deserved it, don’t get me wrong, but you were vicious, L. You barely spoke to any of us for like a week. And when you did… well, let’s just say you’d have shamed Sherman for life if he heard you talking the way you did.”

“That still seems pretty mild.”

“Trust us, it sucked, Laur,” Danny said, glancing at her watch and grimacing. “Shit, LaF we have to leave now if we’re going to make it the faculty meeting on time.”

“Ugh, why do they insist on having meetings during off days!” LaF whined.

“Go on you two. I’ll drive Laura back and then I’ll see you later at home, LaFontaine.” LaF smiled and leaned in, giving Perry’s hand a squeeze and in a rare show of public affection, a peck on the cheek.

Laura smiled fondly at the pair, having watched them together all these years now, seeing how respectful and kind they were to one another. Their relationship had begun not long after she’d met them, though they’d always seemed destined to be together. She remembered asking Perry about it once and admired the fact that the overly structured girl had simply let the coupledom grow naturally, giving LaF time to come into their own, waiting until they were completely ready before starting to date one another.

That respect was something she’d always admired and hoped for herself one day. It seemed that maybe she had found it though, in Carmilla. At least, it sort of seemed that way. The dark haired girl had been beyond considerate and kind to her since she’d woken up in the hospital. And hearing all these stories about her from their formative years, it seemed like that thoughtfulness had always been there.

Still, that was only what she’d gathered. Her friends had clearly seen something else entirely in the beginning and it had her wondering if maybe there was something she’d missed.

“Can I ask you something?” she ventured. It was a few minutes later and she and Perry were now in the car. She took in the scenery out of the passenger window and observed the downtown view as they passed, noticing nothing else was out of place.

“Of course, sweetie, what is it?”

“That whole thing… about you guys and Danny talking about Carmilla and I… about you guys feeling like she was just using me or not treating me right, do you guys still feel that way?”

“No. Laura, sweetheart, absolutely not.”

“Yeah but, if you guys never liked Carmilla-”

“Laura, maybe that wasn’t the best story to tell you today, but you have to know, at the time, we thought we had your best interest at heart. We thought that maybe because you liked her so much, you didn’t want to see anything else. But in all fairness, there wasn’t anything more to see. She only had eyes for you, Laura. She was never just using you or counting you as a notch on her bedpost. She cared about you. And just to be clear, we never hated Carmilla.”

“Well, Danny sure did… does… did? I’m still unclear on the tense of those feelings, to be honest.”

“Danny was in a different position than LaFontaine and I were at the time. And if you want to get technical, yes, she hated Carmilla. She had her reasons and to her, they seemed completely valid. As far as LaFontaine, well they have always had a soft spot for you, dear,” Perry said with a smile, keeping her eyes on the road, driving even more carefully than Carmilla had been earlier if that was possible. “You are one of their best friends and you were so sweet and innocent when we all first met. They just wanted to keep you safe, that’s all. And again… it was Carmilla. Even when they encouraged you to go after her, they only did so because they hated seeing you so sad without her.”

“Well, what about you?”

Perry looked over, making eye contact for a moment, smiling.

“Well, yes, I worried about you just because I saw that same innocence LaFontaine did. And everyone knew Carmilla was anything but innocent,” she said with a small laugh, which Laura unconsciously joined in on. “But to be completely honest, I admit that despite my reservations about her past and her reputation, I was so happy when you found her.”

“Really?”

“Laura, you’d been head over heels for Danny for over year at that point. And while I love Danny, and you know I do, I had hoped for a long time that you’d find someone else and move on. Someone who deserved all the love you had to give. And Danny… she was never going to be the right one for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You came to Silas, ready for anything. You wanted adventure and excitement and to see new things. You wanted someone to enjoy those things with you but Danny was too busy trying to keep you safe and out of trouble that she always just saw you as something similar to a little sister. And that’s how she treated you like it was her job to take care of you. Carmilla didn’t do that. She stood beside you when you got your hands dirty and helped you up when you fell because she wanted you to keep going, not so that she could hold you back. She made you light up in a way I’d never seen before. She brought the adventure and excitement to you, but she held your hand the whole time so that you’d enjoy it together while still keeping you safe.”

“So you didn’t hate her then?”

“I’ve actually always liked Carmilla. Even though she’s moody sometimes and can be incredibly rude and sloppy, she’s done a lot, not just for you, but for all of us. She’s the hero in black. The one who does the good deed and then quietly slips away so that you never even know she was there.”

“A hero huh?” Laura said with a smile.

“She’s good, Laura. She doesn’t necessarily like that we all know that about her but it’s true. So to balance the scales we put up with the snarky sarcasm and the moodiness.”

“I’ve seen the sarcasm. The moodiness, well that was new until this morning. How do I deal with all that?”

“Oh, sweetie, what you do with Carmilla to keep that broody, biting tongue at bay is between you, her and your four walls,” Perry said with a blush, keeping her eyes on the road.

* * *

Carmilla heard the key quietly jingling in the lock of the front door and turned the page of the book in her lap. She wasn’t even focusing on the words. She’d been so caught up in her head all day that she couldn’t seem to focus on anything. She heard Laura creeping in and out of the corner of her eye she saw the smaller girl step into the living room, standing just inside the doorway, taking up as little space as possible.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Sorry, I’m later than I expected. We ended up just sitting there talking for a while,” Laura said, looking around the room uncomfortably before staring at her feet.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to run your schedule by me you know? You’re free to do whatever you want, whenever you want.” _Way to sound like a dickhole Karnstein._

“Right… okay, well I didn’t mean to disturb you, I just wanted to let you know I was back.” She turned to leave, her face a mask of sadness and Carmilla felt it pull the at the last of her heartstrings. _Goddamnit, why do I have to love her so much?_

“Laura, wait.” She turned back towards Carmilla but made no move to come any closer. Carmilla set her book aside and ran a frustrated hand across her face, knowing she had to fix this somehow. “I’m sorry,” she said with a sigh. “I’ve been an ass all day and it’s not right. You don’t deserve that.”

“What’s going on? What happened this morning?” Laura asked, taking a small step back into the room. Carmilla looked up, meeting Laura’s gaze and hating the confusion and hurt she saw there, hating even more that it was there because of her. “Please Carmilla,” she pleaded as she slowly made her way into the room and gently sat down on the couch, leaving only a foot or two between them.

This girl. Carmilla would literally do anything for her.

“I don’t know. I guess everything just kind of got to me today.”

“What do you mean everything?”

“Look, I know this was a good day for you. I know you wanted the stitches out and you’re happy that you’re one step closer to everything getting back to normal.”

“Well, don’t you want things to get back to normal?” Laura asked, appearing completely mystified. “I mean, I thought you’d want that too.”

“Of course I do, Laura. I hate that you got hurt and I want nothing more than for that to go away. But… things aren’t going to just go back to normal. Sure, you got your stitches out today and you’re getting stronger. You’ve got a few weeks still but your arm and ribs are healing. You’ll be getting back to work soon and you can go out with your friends and stuff. But even with all of that, there’s still… I mean…”She floundered then, finding herself unable to say the rest.

“How isn’t that normal, Carmilla?”

“Because… I’m not a part of that normal.” The volume at which she said it was so quiet but the words… they screamed.

“Oh.”

_Fuck. It hadn’t even crossed her mind, had it?_

She hated how needy and useless she felt in that moment. Needy and useless were not feelings very familiar to her, but dammit if they hadn’t been hanging around a lot lately. She looked away, wishing she hadn’t pulled her hair up earlier because right now she had nothing to hide behind and Laura’s gaze bore into her so deep that it was making it harder and harder to keep it together. _Time to avert this crisis._ Taking a deep breath she put on a brave face and sent a smile Laura’s way, hoping it was convincing enough.

“Look, forget I said anything ok. I’m just sorry about today.” She stood up, avoiding Laura’s eyes and slowly made to leave the room.

“Carmilla, stop! Please!”

Her feet ceased just as she got to the entrance of the room but she didn’t turn around. She was weak and pathetic and weak and pathetic were two things that Carmilla Karnstein didn’t do.

“Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about that.”

_See?_

She took a deep breath and turned halfway towards Laura, refusing to fully meet her head on. She needed to put this to rest and get the hell out of this room.

“You don’t have to think about it, Laura. It makes sense that you wouldn’t.”

“Why does that make sense?” Laura’s voice went up in pitch and Carmilla heard her stand and move towards her.

“Because you don’t know me, Laura.”

“But I want to! Carmilla, I want to remember so much. Every time you tell me another story, I keep waiting and hoping for something to come back.”

“Laura, I can tell you about us until I’m blue in the face, but that’s no guarantee that you’ll ever remember.”

“But you don’t know it isn’t helping! The doctor even said today that it was a good idea. Plus, isn’t it kind of nice, reliving all this stuff?”

“Laura, all this retelling of our past… sure there’s fun stuff. There’s inside jokes and dates and time together, just the two of us, getting to know each other and learning what we actually meant to one another. But there’s also some not so fun stuff. Stuff that I don’t particularly want to rehash. I’m having a hard time with that part. And that's not fair to you. It's not fair just to avoid that stuff just because I don't want to deal with it. You shouldn’t have to deal with my shit right now when you don’t even know me.”

“But just like it’s your job to deal with me, isn’t it kind of my job to put up with you?” She looked up into Laura’s sweet face and swallowed hard. “No, I don’t remember you. Or any of this,” she said, motioning around the room. “But I want to. I know you care about me and I want to remember what it’s like to feel the same way you do. I wish I was there, really, because I know this is hurting you and I hate that.”

“Maybe me being here isn’t helping though. Maybe it’s too much pressure on you and I just… I don’t know." She looked down, kicking her toe into the rug at her feet, hating that what she was about to say might be the best option. "Maybe it would be better if I just gave you some space. Maybe it would be better if I just left for a while. Then maybe you wouldn't feel all this pressure and you could just worry about you and getting better. That's what you should be focusing on anyway. Not on me.”

“I’m trying, Carm, I really am. I don’t… I don’t want to lose you.” Carmilla finally looked up, hearing Laura’s voice crack and saw the tears slowly sliding down her face.

_Oh shit, what did I do?_

“Hey, no, Laura, please don’t cry.” She started to reach out, intending to wrap the smaller girl in her arms but stopped as soon as she remembered herself, leaving her leaning awkwardly halfway towards the other girl. She was shocked when a second later Laura reached out herself, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist, burying her face in her neck.

“You’ve been here almost since the minute I woke up in that stupid hospital bed. You’ve been so sweet and patient and helpful. You’re wonderful and… I don’t want to lose you.”

“Okay. Alright, it’s going to be okay,” Carmilla said, holding Laura tightly to her, feeling the slight sobs rack her small frame. She could feel the shoulder of her shirt sopping up the wayward tears and realized just how extremely unfair this whole situation was to both of them. Laura didn’t ask for this any more than she did and while it sucked that she was in this position, she couldn’t just expect Laura to be her Laura again when the smaller girl had absolutely no idea how to do that. “I’m so sorry Laura.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’ve been trying, Carm but I need to try harder. I will, I promise, just… please don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Carmilla pulled back, moving her hands up to cup Laura’s cheeks, her thumbs gently wiping at the tears still falling. She wasn’t sure if this was too much or not but in this desperate moment, it seemed to be what Laura needed as she tilted her head further into Carmilla's strong hands. Unable to help it, Carmilla wrapped her arms around Laura's shoulders again and pulled her close, burying her face in Laura's hair as Laura once again buried herself in Carmilla's neck. "I'm not going anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am seriously blown away by the response to this story. Thank you all so much, you guys are awesome.


	9. Your Heart Beats In Time To The Rain That Falls On The Roof Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's up with Laura, Carmilla's confused as hell and an A HA! moment arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics

It had been a long, mostly sleepless night. Laura had drifted in and out of consciousness, waking every hour or so, her mind wandering through the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ and ‘if onlys’ before slowly drifting off to sleep again. This whole debacle was beginning to weigh her down more than she could handle and she was starting to wonder how in the hell she would ever manage to get through it in one piece without losing her mind. After all, a person could only take so much before they snapped.

The last time she’d checked the clock on her phone it was around five in the morning and she’d been in the middle of making a mental list of all the different things she could try to do in order to speed the process of remembering along, like it was actually in her control, when she’d drifted back off to dreamland. Now as she looked at the clock again, she saw it was just after eight. She kicked the covers off and sat up, letting a loud sigh escape. She was exhausted and her limbs felt heavy but she couldn’t stay in that bed any longer. She needed to get up and do something, anything that might make her feel the tiniest bit useful. Maybe she’d offer to make Carmilla dinner that evening. Or maybe she could clean up around the house. It was starting to lose that illustrious Perry shine and it would keep her hands busy if nothing else. And if her hands were busy, maybe her mind would follow.

Getting out of the bed, she moved towards the bedroom door, which she’d left cracked open the night before, her fear of Carmilla escaping in the middle of the night apparently stronger than her need for privacy. Opening the door and stepping into the hallway, she took notice of just how quiet it was.

_Maybe she’s still asleep. Hopefully._

She attempted to calm her heart, suddenly thudding loudly in her chest, feeling the desperation from the night before creeping in around it, squeezing relentlessly. She padded down the hallway, taking note that the office door and guest bathroom door were both open, the rooms both clearly empty. Rounding the corner into the kitchen, she exhaled deeply, swallowing down her disappointment at not finding Carmilla there. _Calm down, it’s early still and she’s been exhausted lately._ Walking through the kitchen, she moved towards the living room hoping desperately with everything she had that it wasn’t also deserted.

She peered around the corner into Carmilla’s makeshift bedroom, finding that mild panic kicking into full gear.

_Shit!_

Carmilla wasn’t there and the couch was neat and tidy, appearing as though it hadn’t been used at all, which was very different than the other mornings since she’d been home when she’d encountered rumpled pillows and blankets, unfolded and hanging halfway off the sofa and onto the floor. No, this was not normal.

Retracing her steps, she quickly doubled back the way she came, making sure to check the patio beyond the dining table, which was also empty and if the rain coming down in heavy sheets was any indication, had been all morning. Making her way back to the bedroom she checked everywhere in their small home but no Carmilla.

_Oh shit, she left. She promised she wouldn’t and she did anyway._

She felt the burning behind her eyes and swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears welling up from falling. There was no point in crying, it wouldn’t do any good. Sniffling and attempting to calm her rapid breathing, she sat on one of the stools at the kitchen island, at a loss of what else to do. This was the same stool she’d sat at the night before as Carmilla had made her a cup of tea and honey, hoping it would help to calm her nerves after her breakdown. Carmilla had put the steaming mug in front of her and then quietly sat next to her as she nursed it, letting their knees brush every few minutes just to reassure each other that they were both still there. They hadn’t really talked about anything more the rest of the evening but when Carmilla cleaned up her tea mug and sent her to bed, she’d promised she’d be there when Laura woke up. She’d promised!

What the hell was she going to do? No, she still had no memory of Carmilla but after spending the last few days with her, it was becoming more and more apparent why she’d developed feelings for her all those years ago. They’d built this amazing life together and they were clearly in love. Why the hell couldn’t she remember? Why couldn’t she just get her memory back so she could fix all this, so she could stop hurting Carmilla?

_Not that it matters anymore anyway. She’s gone._

Feeling the pressure building from all the emotions surging inside, she buried her face in her hands, pressing her palms into her eyes to keep some sort of grasp on herself. She couldn’t fall apart now. She had to keep it together and try to figure things out. So Carmilla had left. So now she’d have to figure things out on her own. She could do that. She could be strong. And she wouldn’t let it bother her that the amazing person she was actually starting to like had decided she just wasn’t worth all this hassle. Nope, it wouldn’t bother her at all. _Crap._ She felt a couple tears escape and laid her good arm across the counter in front of her, letting her head fall upon it with a quiet thud.

She was so focused on not completely losing it and keeping her breathing even so as not to hyperventilate that the sound of the deadbolt on the front door turning startled her. Quickly sitting up, she turned just as Carmilla came in, looking slightly damp and windblown, hands full of two styrofoam cups and a paper bag.

“Hey,” she said with a gentle smile, closing the door behind her. “Sorry, I was hoping to be back before you woke up. You okay?”

Laura realized her face was still a mix of utterly crushed and completely shocked and attempted to reign it in before she completely broke down under the Carmilla’s sweet gaze.

“Yeah… yeah sorry, I’m fine. Just not totally awake yet I guess.”

Carmilla stared at her for another moment, seeming to think through something before coming further into the house and setting everything down on the island near Laura.

“I promised you last night that I wasn’t going to go anywhere, Laura.”

 _Of course, she knows why I’m upset,_ Laura thought, hanging her head, ashamed, her hands nervously fidgeting in front of her.

“I’m sorry. I just… when I woke up I couldn’t find you. And it didn’t look like you’d slept on the couch so I just thought… I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s okay,” Carmilla said, taking the stool next to her and gently reaching out, placing a finger under Laura’s chin to force her to lift her head and look at her. She smiled and dropped her hand once Laura’s eyes met her own and Laura instantly felt the absence its warmth left. “I couldn’t really sleep last night so I ended up just working on a few things. I um… I looked in on you before I left and it seemed like you were still pretty out, so I ran out to get us breakfast. I didn’t intend for you to wake up while I was gone. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just… after last night…”

“I know. But I meant it when I was I wasn’t going anywhere, Laura. I’m staying.”

Laura nodded, wanting nothing more at that moment than to feel Carmilla wrap her arms around her again. But that wouldn’t be appropriate, would it? After all, even if Carmilla had promised to stay, the situation hadn’t changed had it? _We’re still in the middle of the same shit show as before._ She nodded and opened her mouth to apologize again but her stomach growling beat her to the punch, making Carmilla chuckle.

“And it appears I got here just in time,” she said, reaching into the waxy paper bag and handing Laura a chocolate chip bagel. “Eat up, Hollis.”

* * *

“Check.”

Laura sighed and rolled her eyes, looking up at Carmilla, her eyes teasing, a smirk firmly planted on her lips.

“You suck.”

“Actually, no, since I’ve won the last two games and am going to take your king in about… three moves, I think suck is not the word you’re looking for. Brillant? Yes. Ingenious? Absolutely.”

“Alright, enough, Einstein,” Laura said with a giggle. She looked back at the board, biting her lip and contemplating her next move. “You know I’ve never been very good at chess.” She hovered her right hand over her rook but stopped when she saw Carmilla arch her eyebrow. Instead, she moved her hand to her knight but then stopped again when the dark haired girl's smirk grew. “Ugh, stop that,” she said, laughing again.

“You’re doing just fine, Laura. Don’t worry. You’ve only actually beaten me once the entire time we’ve been together,” she said, leaning forward onto the kitchen table.

The weather had kept them inside for the day, the rain only coming down harder as the hours went on, the wind bringing the temperature lower than normal on the early October day. So far they’d managed to change into sweats, made it through The Half Blood Prince (Laura’s choice) and were on their second game of chess (Carmilla’s idea).

“You mean you’re actually able to convince me to play this with you on a regular basis?” Carmilla just shrugged, smirking further. “You know, my dad and I used to play checkers all the time. We never played chess though.”

“Well, no because he doesn’t know how to play,” Carmilla said, sussing the board out.

“How do you… how do you know that?”

“Well, I was the one who taught you how to play.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, not long after we got together. You were at my place and we were trying to decide what to do for the night but it was a shitty night. Kinda like today, storming terribly.” Carmilla sat back in her chair, paused for a moment and then chuckled as though caught in the memory. “You were snooping around and you found my chessboard. Mattie, Will and I used to play all the time and I brought it with me to school. Anyway, you found it and begged me to teach you how to play. So I did.”

“I don’t remember that. I mean, obviously, I don’t remember that but I still remember how to play,” Laura said, finding herself astonished at that fact. How could she remember something Carmilla had taught her but not Carmilla herself? She looked up, finding Carmilla smiling and nodding at her. Maybe this was something? Maybe this was good? She smiled at the thought, turning back to the board in front of her, attempting to find a way out of the pickle she’d gotten herself into. “So why didn’t we just watch TV or something? I mean, we were college kids after all.”

“I didn’t have one.”

“What?!? What, were you living in the Stone Age?”

“No,” Carmilla said with a chuckle. “I’ve never really cared about television. I’m more of a reader.”

 _Obviously._ Laura thought of the leather-bound books lining the shelves of their living room and smiled.

“Okay, so what did we do when we hung out at your place then?”

* * *

**_Seven Years Earlier_ **

Carmilla heard the knock on her door and swallowed nervously. Taking a deep breath and catching a glance of herself in the mirror across the room, she gave herself a quick once-over before moving towards the door to answer it. As she opened it, she couldn't help smiling at the bouncing ball of nervous energy on the other side.

“Hey, creampuff.” She reached out and grabbed onto Laura’s hand, pulling her inside the apartment and closing the door behind her. Wrapping her arms around Laura’s waist underneath her denim jacket, she leaned in, letting their lips find each other for the first time that day. She smiled at the tiny brunette as they parted but kept her close, not wanting to let go just yet.

“Hi,” she sighed dreamily, making Carmilla chuckle.

“You have any trouble getting here?”

“Silas isn’t that big, Carm and I’m not completely incapable of following directions,” she said rolling her eyes but smiling just the same. Carmilla let her step away and watched as Laura looked around the room, taking everything in.

The apartment was small, she knew that. It was just the one room with a small bathroom off the back. She’d cleaned it up earlier, knowing Laura was coming by but now that she was reevaluating it through the eyes of the girl next to her, she was a little underwhelmed with her attempt. The dirty clothes had made it into the hamper but it was still overflowing. Her bed was made but still looked slept-in. She’d washed the mountain of coffee cups in the sink but now they’d overtaken the dish drying rack.

“It’s um… it’s not much,” she said, unexpectedly feeling a little flustered but unsure why. She’d had countless girls up here but had never given the apartment or its contents much thought. But this was Laura, the girl who she’d found herself liking more and more each day and who, she suddenly realized, she desperately wanted to impress.

She turned when Laura moved further into the room, taking her jacket off, and sitting on the edge of the bed that took up the nearest corner.

“It’s fine. It’s actually kind of what I expected. It’s very you.”

“Very me?”

“Yeah. Art stuff in the corner, books everywhere, not too much light. It kind of screams Carmilla,” she said with a giggle. “I like it.” Carmilla just smiled at her and moved towards the smaller girl, taking a seat next to her on the bed, watching as Laura still looked around the room. “You don’t have a TV?”

“Wow, nothing gets past you does it, Laronica Mars.”

“Seriously? Is that going to be your new go-to nickname for me now?” Carmilla just shrugged, smirking and leaning into the girl next to her, finding her close proximity comforting. Laura just shook her head, still smiling away. “So no TV, what do you want to do then?”

“Oh, I have all sorts of ideas on that,” Carmilla teased, lifting a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and pulling Laura closer. Laura just blushed and allowed it, smiling into the soft kiss that Carmilla left on her lips. “How was your day, cutie?” she asked after the kiss ended, reaching up and pushing a stray lock of hair behind Laura’s ear.

“Good. I got an A- on my journalism project and I talked to my dad. We ended up finalizing our Christmas plans. I’m so happy that I get to go home and see him.” Carmilla smiled at the clear excitement flowing off the smaller girl, finding it completely adorable. She kissed her cheek once and rose, moving towards the kitchen.

“I’m sure he’s thrilled that you’re coming too. What do you guys have planned?” she asked, grabbing a couple grape sodas from the nearly empty refrigerator. She should probably stock up better if she planned on having Laura over more often.

“Typical Christmas stuff. Making gingerbread and hot chocolate and watching the BBC Christmas specials. We usually go to the neighbors on Christmas Eve for this huge party they always have and then we’ll spend Christmas day together, stuffing ourselves with more sugar than any human should consume and watching Christmas movies.” Carmilla smiled as she handed Laura one of the sodas, taking notice of the excitement literally vibrating off the smaller girl in waves as she talked. She sat down cross-legged towards the middle of the bed, pulling Laura closer so they could sit comfortably together. “It’s not the most fun and original plan, I know but it’s what we do every year.”

“It sounds like you’re super excited about it and that’s all that really matters, right?” Laura just nodded, looking away for a moment and suddenly seeming uncomfortable.

“So um… what about you? I mean, I know it’s still a couple of months away but what are your plans? Are you going back to Chicago to your mom’s house?”

_Shit._

“Oh, well not exactly.” She paused, taking note of the eager look on Laura’s face, knowing the other girl was only trying to get to know her better. “Actually, mother and Will are going to Europe for the holiday,” she answered, opening the can in her hand and hoping that would be the end of the topic. Of course, this was Laura Hollis and she should’ve known better.

“Just the two of them? What about you and Mattie?”

“Mattie’s invitation came with the caveat that she was welcome but she’d have to pay her own way. And since she can barely afford the rent on her shit box apartment, that was definitely not feasible.”

“So your mother is paying for Will but won’t pay for you and Mattie to go?” Laura actually seemed shocked. “How is that fair?”

Carmilla just shrugged, looking away, finding Laura’s intense gaze bothering her far more than her mother’s latest rejection or the distinct lack of invitation she’d received.

“I’m sorry, Carm, I don’t want to pry or make you uncomfortable. I just… I don’t understand.” Carmilla looked up, seeing Laura’s face transform into a mix of confusion and hurt and it made her ache to think this girl was hurting for her.

“Cupcake, it’s fine, really. I get that you have a really great relationship with your dad and that’s awesome. It just doesn’t work that way with my family though, okay? My mother, again, she doesn’t like certain things about me. And she doesn’t like certain things about Mattie. And… it’s okay. I’ve been dealing with it for a few years now,” she said with a shrug. “You don’t have to feel bad.”

“It’s not necessarily that. I just… I guess I can’t imagine that. I can’t imagine anyone just… rejecting you like that. You’re… you’re amazing, Carm and she should realize just how lucky she is to have you as a daughter,” Laura said, reaching for her hand, interlacing their fingers. Carmilla looked down at their fingers, fitting together so perfectly, stunned by Laura’s words. No one had ever treated her the way Laura did. No one had ever been this kind to her without wanting something in return. And sure, there was a lot Laura didn’t know about her yet, but for the first time ever, Carmilla wasn’t terrified to let someone in. Slowly, of course, but she figured it was at least a start.

She looked up, smiling fondly at the girl that was slowly worming her way further and further into her life and chuckled when Laura only looked more confused.

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m just… I'm happy you’re here,” she said, squeezing Laura’s hand. Laura just smiled, a slight blush coloring her cheeks at the rare sentiment. And as much as Carmilla loved the sight, she decided to let Laura off the hook. “So, really what do you want to do tonight?”

“I thought you had all sorts of ideas on that,” Laura teased.

* * *

If she was being completely honest, this was what she’d been hoping for when she’d invited Laura over earlier in the day. Not that she was dead set against other plans if Laura had suggested something else or had seemed uncomfortable with the idea. And she really didn’t want Laura to think she was only after one thing.

However, it wasn’t her doing this time. They’d been sitting on the bed still, facing each other, knees touching, occasionally reaching out to one another for more contact, still talking, though the conversation had been considerably lighter and had steered away from any topic related to family. She’d been laughing at an incredibly dorky joke Laura had just told when the tiny brunette had kissed her. And then kept kissing her, winding her hands into Carmilla’s thick hair and pulling her closer.

They’d obviously been down this road before but as the kiss grew longer and deeper, and Laura had laid back, pulling Carmilla on top of her, Carmilla knew this time was different. First off, there would be no interruptions. No roommates or nosy friends had its perks. Secondly, Laura had initiated it this time, and while it wasn’t the first time Laura had kissed her, it was the first time that she’d done so on a bed… behind a locked door… seemingly intent on taking it beyond a few minutes of passionate lip-locking.

Carmilla allowed her weight to settle more fully on top of the prone girl and smirked when her right hand apparently hit a ticklish spot on Laura’s rib cage as it shifted to the hem of her shirt. Pulling her lips away, trailing them around Laura’s jaw and down her neck, she heard the sharp intake of breath above her as her hips fell further between Laura’s legs, pressing more firmly into her.

 _Slow, Karnstein. Remember you like this girl._ She forced herself to pause for a moment, taking a deep breath and inhaling the sweet scent there at the juncture between Laura’s neck and shoulder. Pushing herself back up, she captured Laura’s lips once again, sighing at the quiet moan Laura let out. She adjusted herself so that Laura wasn’t holding up all her weight and found the hem of the smaller girl’s shirt once again, toying with the button there for a moment, _just in case,_ before sliding it through its hole and slowly moving on to the one above it. This continued for the next three buttons, each time, Carmilla making sure to take a moment before moving along. She could feel the warm skin of Laura’s torso beneath her palm, so soft and tempting, and it would have been so easy to go faster but that would’ve ruined the moment. And it seemed she wasn’t the only one seriously enjoying this. She felt the smaller girl below her, still tugging insistently at her hair, hands then moving lower to run softly along the back of her neck, fingertips tickling, then across her shoulders. And then down her chest where she felt Laura pushing at her.

Wait pushing? That wasn’t right, was it?

“You okay, cutie?” she asked as she pulled her lips away from Laura’s and met the smaller girl’s eyes with her own. Still caught up in the moment, she leaned back down to take a hold of those sweet pink lips again but felt Laura stiffen up. Immediately pulling back, she lifted herself up a few inches and met Laura’s gaze again, noticing that look of desire she’d seen only ten minutes earlier had now been replaced by something else entirely. “Laura? Hey, what is it? Are you okay?”

“Yeah… fine,” she said, pushing Carmilla back further and attempting to sit up. Carmilla sat back on her knees, allowing her some space. Laura moved out from underneath the dark-haired girl and moved to the edge of the bed, keeping her back to where Carmilla still knelt, her fingers quickly working to re-button her half-open shirt.

“Okay… are you sure?”

“Yeah, I just… I just realized how late it is. I should get going.” Carmilla watched, confounded, as Laura stood up and moved away from the bed, stumbling as she grabbed for her shoes and jacket, struggling to put them on.

“Laura, hey, wait. Are you really leaving?” Laura just nodded, avoiding Carmilla’s gaze. “But it’s just now ten, I mean… I thought-”

“I really need to go.”

“Well, let me at least walk you home.” Carmilla scrambled off the bed and took the few steps to land her immediately in front of the tiny brunette.

“No, it’s fine. It’s only ten minutes. I’ll be okay.” Laura finally looked at her, sending her a smile that was not genuine in any shape or form, left a quick kiss on her cheek and bolted out the door before she could even process the fact that she was now alone in her apartment.

_What the fuck just happened?_

* * *

**_The Next Day_ **

She stood at the entrance of the fairgrounds, looking at the crowd around her with distaste. This was so not her scene. But since it was a chance to see Laura, she was game.

She’d woken up that morning, still utterly confused about Laura’s abrupt departure from the night before. Laura had texted her about ten minutes after she’d left to say she’d gotten home safely and then again a little while later confirming once again that nothing was wrong when Carmilla asked her again. But that was it. Honestly, she wasn’t sure when to expect to hear from Laura again but the text she’d gotten around noon, asking her to go to the Silas Fall Festival had been a surprise.

 _Maybe she just wasn’t feeling well last night,_ Carmilla thought as she stood there, continuing to search for Laura in the sea of bodies around her. That would explain the sudden rushing out of her apartment. And obviously Laura had wanted to see her again or she wouldn’t have asked her to this stupid carnival.

Grumbling and sending a snarl towards a couple who’d just bumped into her, she looked back just in time to catch sight of one beaming Laura Hollis… and a troop load of gingers.

 _What the hell?_ Wasn’t this supposed to be a date? Just the two of them.

“Hey!” she said once she was within earshot, still smiling wide at Carmilla, but keeping some distance. Carmilla just smiled, her gaze moving back to Laura’s friends. LaF and Perry seemed genuinely happy and smiled politely at her. Danny, of course, was sending daggers her way, which, honestly did she really care what Danny Giantess Lawrence thought about her? Nope, not even a little bit. And then there was another girl… one she remembered meeting before during some insipid game night at Laura’s apartment.

“You remember Mel, right?” Laura asked as they stood their awkwardly. Carmilla just nodded as Mel gave her the once over, her gaze hard.

“Citizen Fang.”

“Sporty Spice.”

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road! Come on! I heard the rides are insane this year,” LaF said, already taking off towards the ticket booth. Perry gave the rest of the group a polite smile and took off after them, clearly already in babysitting mode. Carmilla looked back to the others, catching the still unimpressed look from Mel and a hard glare from Danny. Rolling her eyes at the lame attempt of intimidation, she walked off, trailing slowly in the direction LaF and Perry had just vanished to, not caring if Xena or Wannabe Katniss Everdeen followed.

“Hey, wait.” She felt Laura reach her side and looked over, catching the girls curious gaze. “You okay?”

“Yeah, fine.” She looked back as they reached the ticket booth, pulling her wallet out and realizing this might get awkward. If this was supposed to be a date and she didn’t pay for Laura’s ticket in, she’d look like a jerk. But if this was supposed to be just friends hanging out and she did pay, it would be uncomfortable. She looked to her right, seeing Laura still looking puzzled and decided she’d rather be uncomfortable than a jerk. She held up two fingers at the tired looking woman behind the booth and handed over the cash to pay, taking note that her wallet was looking a little lighter than usual.

_Have to see if I can pick up an extra shift at the bar this week._

“I could’ve paid for myself,” Laura said as the woman handed them their tickets and they walked through the entrance.

 _And here comes the uncomfortable._ She opened her mouth, unsure if she was about to apologize or say something snarky, hoping it wouldn’t be the latter when Laura beat her to the punch.

“I mean, thank you. I appreciate it,” she said, gently sliding her hand into Carmilla’s and squeezing. Carmilla looked down at their joined hands and swore she felt her heart skip a beat.

_What the fuck is going on here?_

“So how about since you bought the tickets, I buy you a funnel cake later?” Laura said, smiling and leaning into Carmilla as they walked. Carmilla could only smile in return.

* * *

She hated to admit it but the festival had been fun. LaF had attempted to drag them onto every ‘thrill’ ride there, everyone but Carmilla eventually bowing out to avoid throwing up all the sugar they’d consumed.

“That time was so much better than the last,” LaF said as they stumbled off their second trip on the Gravitron, still laughing a little at the sensation of having firm ground beneath their feet.

“That’s only because you didn’t have that woman next to you screaming and praying the entire time,” Carmilla said.

“True. You know, I don’t even think the last one she was screaming was even in any real language.” LaF paused and looked around, searching for the others. Carmilla stopped too, looking in the other direction and seeing Laura standing next to Perry near one of the many apple tart stands, talking excitedly with her hands. Not too far away Danny and Mel sat on one of the available benches, both looking green around the gills. She turned and tugged on the arm of LaF’s jacket, pulling them in the general direction as she started walking.

“Another apple tart? Really, cupcake? You’re going to be on a sugar buzz for the next six weeks after tonight.”

“But this one’s caramel,” Laura said, tearing off a piece of the dough in her hands and taking a bite. Carmilla just smiled and leaned in, intending to place a soft kiss on Laura’s cheek. Laura smiled and turned just in time to catch Carmilla’s lips with her own, tasting like caramel.

“Alright, if you two keep that up, I really am going to hurl again,” Danny said, standing and stepping towards the group. “Besides, it’s late. Mel and I are on rush duty tomorrow. The new pledges have a six mile run at five in the morning, so we should get going.”

“Us too actually. I have an early class,” Perry said, her voice a pitch higher than normal and Carmilla guessed it had something to do with all the sweets she’d consumed at Laura’s side over the last few hours.

They all said their goodbyes before walking off, everyone leaving with a friendly smile except for Danny, who continued to glare in Carmilla’s direction. It was almost starting to be funny, to be honest.

“What about you, cupcake? You have early morning plans?”

“Nope. No class until ten,” she said, grabbing at the sides of Carmilla’s leather jacket and pulling her closer, most likely leaving some sticky residue from her fingertips, but Carmilla didn’t care. She leaned in, letting her lips softly graze Laura’s for half a second before pulling back with a smile.

“Well, then what would you like to do?” Laura appeared to think for a moment, which Carmilla found completely adorable before shrugging and leaning in to kiss Carmilla once again. And who was she to argue with such a great plan? Pulling away a moment later, she took Laura’s hand in hers and pulled her towards the exit. “Come on, cutie.”

They walked on in silence, leaving the quickly emptying grounds fairly fast. Once outside, Carmilla turned and headed them in the direction of her apartment, which was only a few blocks away. It was then that she felt resistance on the hand holding Laura’s before the comforting grasp was gone. She turned, seeing a very different girl standing there; no longer excited and on a sugar high, the girl that stood before her now looked terrified.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Do you feel sick?”

“No, I just… um, I just remembered… I um, I have some stuff to do… back at my place. So I should… I should probably call it a night,” she said, backing up slowly, now no longer within Carmilla’s reach.

“Laura? Seriously, are you okay? I mean, I just thought since it was just the two of us, we could just go back to my place and-”

“I’m fine, Carm, really. But I have to go.” And with that, Laura turned and practically ran off in the opposite direction.

_Okay, seriously, what the fuck is going on?_

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

“Wait, I just left? Just like that?” Carmilla just nodded, smiling softly at Laura’s disbelief. “Why? Why the hell would I do that?”

“I really had no idea at the time,” Carmilla answered with a chuckle. “It was the first time I’d ever had a girl blow me off like that. And two nights, back to back, not good for the ego. Plus since it was you, it honestly scared the shit out of me. I thought maybe you just weren’t interested anymore. I thought… maybe you just didn’t actually want to be with me. At least not in any sort of romantic way. I thought maybe you really did just want to be friends.”

“Oh my god, I was such a tease.” Carmilla burst out laughing at that, unable to help it and Laura smiled, loving the sound. She took in the way Carmilla’s face lit up, her eyes crinkling the tiniest bit and her smile completely genuine.

They’d moved from the kitchen into the living room not long after the story had started to be more comfortable. They’d ordered in, once again, Laura insisting that Carmilla continue the story as they ate from their respective ends of the couch.

Looking away from Carmilla’s beautiful face, she turned and took note of the clock on the wall, cringing when she realized how late it had gotten. Carmilla had already told her she had to work tomorrow and now here she was, keeping the poor girl up and making her tell her stories of their past.

“Ugh, crap. I’m sorry, Carm, I didn’t realize it was this late.”

“It’s fine. I’ll be able to function after a few cups of coffee tomorrow. Don’t sweat it.”

“Well, I won’t keep you up any longer then. You need to sleep, I know you haven’t been sleeping much lately.” Carmilla just shrugged and looked away, suddenly seeming upset. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking.” She paused for a moment before finally looking up at Laura. “You sure you’re going to be okay alone tomorrow? I mean, I can try to figure something else out or reschedule.”

“Carm, you’ve put your life on hold for weeks now. It’s fine. I’ll just hang out and maybe take a look at a few of those articles I was working on before… before the accident.” Carmilla cringed at the word and Laura unconsciously reached out, placing a hand on her blanket covered knee. “I’m okay. Really. If anything comes up, I promise I’ll call you, okay?”

Carmilla just nodded, sighing deeply before standing up and stretching. Laura followed suit, laying the blanket that they’d been sharing out for Carmilla to use that night. She looked up, catching a smirk from Carmilla and smiling back shyly. She stepped around the trunk in the middle of the room and walked towards the kitchen to grab a water. She heard Carmilla follow her, clearly having the same idea. Grabbing two bottles from the refrigerator, she turned and handed one to the dark haired girl before nodding and issuing a quiet goodnight. She walked away, getting ready to turn down the hallway before a thought crossed her mind out of the blue.

Feeling herself blush, she stopped at the entrance to the hallway, turning and leaning on the corner of the wall there, keeping her gaze low.

“Hey, can I ask you something? Something that I’m probably going to be super embarrassed about.” She looked up, catching the curious look on Carmilla’s face and a nod. “So um… when I had lunch with everyone yesterday, they were reminding me of some stuff but Danny said something about coming over here a few weeks ago. Something about a Bluetooth speaker I’d borrowed from her and finding it in our room… with a chair and some… candles…” Carmilla chuckled shyly and Laura swore she’d never thought the girl looked more beautiful. Shaking her head to rid herself of the thought, she looked away for a quick second before turning back. “Um, you don’t have to tell me, I was just curious.”

“Well, LaF fried your speaker a few months ago. Not on purpose but you know how LaF is and how they can’t ever just leave well enough alone. Anyway, about a week before… before the accident, you were flying to Los Angeles for this exposé you were working on. You were going to be gone a couple days but by the time you were supposed to get back, I was going to be in Portland for a shoot so we weren’t going to see each other for a little over a week. Which, we’d done before but it still sucked. You had this idea...” Laura smiled as she saw what she swore was a slight blush barely tint Carmilla’s cheeks. “You had given me something for my birthday earlier this year and you decided to… recreate that really fucking amazing gift before we both had to leave. I guess you wanted us both to have something to… think about while we were apart.”

Laura looked away for a quick second, knowing she had to be as red as Perry’s hair by this point. _Oh wow. I can only imagine._ She looked up, finding Carmilla shyly smiling at her for a moment before shrugging it off.

“Anyway, you borrowed the speaker from Danny because LaF has yet to buy you a new one. You should probably remind them of that the next time you see them.”

“Got it. Well then… okay…”

“Hey, you asked,” Carmilla chimed in, seemingly worried she’d crossed a line. “I was just answering you. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, you didn’t. Thank you. I’m glad you told me. And it was probably a good idea to shoot for the PG-13 version.” Laura paused for a moment, unsure if she should continue or keep the thoughts rolling around in her head to herself. _Ugh, what the hell._ “Maybe we can talk more, later, about… what actually happened?” She looked up to find Carmilla starting back at her, smirking, eyebrow raised and shook her head, unable to meet the intense gaze any longer. “Goodnight, Carmilla.”

“Goodnight, Laura,” she heard Carmilla call after her as she made her way down the hall and into the bedroom.

She threw back the covers and plopped down on the bed, not even bothering to turn on the bedside lamp. Snuggling into the mattress, she smiled to herself, thinking not for the first time today just how incredible Carmilla was. Rolling onto her side towards the empty side of the bed, she sighed, taking note of the halfway burned down candles on the dresser. Candles.

 _Oh god, those are from… what did I do?_ she thought with a small, embarrassed giggle. Shaking her head, she looked away from the dresser and snuggled in further, thinking about the rest of what Carmilla had told her that day, wondering why she was so Jekyll and Hyde whenever they were together at the beginning. There was an obvious theme. Apparently, she’d just gotten incredibly nervous at being alone with Carmilla. Or maybe the prospect of it. But that didn’t make sense. She’d been told by enough people how much she liked Carmilla in the beginning. And she’d obviously been fine being alone with Carmilla before the fight with her friends. Had something else happened in between? Had Carmilla done something or had her friends said something more or had-

_Holy shit! Oh, I’m such an idiot!_

Carmilla was not the first girl Laura had ever dated. Her first girlfriend had been in high school. They’d done the whole puppy-love thing, spending time together whenever they could and being sweet to one another. But the girl had been very adamant about keeping anything physical above the waist and they’d ended things when the girl had moved away the summer before senior year. The second girl she’d dated had been the summer after graduation. She had really liked her but the girl had kept her at a distance, wanting to keep things casual. They’d been about to take things further physically when the girl's homophobic parents walked in on them, effectively ending that and making it very obvious why the girl didn’t want to get serious.

After she got to college, she’d developed that stupid crush on Danny that never went anywhere and then… Then there was Carmilla. Carmilla who she’d fallen for and who actually liked her back without hiding. Carmilla who was sexy and fun and charming. Carmilla who…

_Who was my first. Oh, holy shit!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, absolutely stunned and completely blown away by the response to this story. This is really fun to write but you guys are making it even better so thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	10. You Know I Can’t Let You Slide Through My Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Laura finally girls the hell up, Carmilla changes the plan and LaF and Perry do their best imitation of the Godfather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

Laura picked up the red leather photo album from the island where Carmilla had left it and sat it down on the kitchen table next to the quickly cooling cup of cocoa she’d poured herself earlier. In all honesty, she’d been avoiding it since she saw it that morning, sitting next to the note with Carmilla’s incredibly neat script.  
  
_Laura,_  
  
_I thought you might like to take a look at this and maybe it’ll satisfy some of that natural curiosity of yours. I’ll be home around five. Remember we’re supposed to go to dinner with LaF and Perry but call if you need anything. Please._  
  
_Carm_  
  
The dark haired girl had been long gone by the time she’d gotten up and for the first time since the accident, she was grateful to have some time to herself. She needed to process everything and after her big ‘a ha’ moment from the night before, she really needed a few hours away from Carmilla in order to avoid becoming a blushing, stuttering mess when trying to have any normal human interactions with the girl.

It was nearly four now but she’d run out of things to do to pass the time. She’d already spent most of the morning and a little of the afternoon cleaning up around the house, taking great care to avoid Carmilla’s side of the office and walk-in closet, just in case, before returning a few long overdue emails about different articles she was working on and finally cleaning herself up. She purposely took a long shower and then spent the next half hour drying her hair and looking through the clothes in her closet, finding the idea of sweats and a ponytail completely unappealing after nothing else for the last two weeks.

Truthfully, Carmilla was right, her curiosity was killing her. But more than that was her fear; fear of looking through the photos and finding absolutely nothing to be familiar. It was the same reason she’d been avoiding her phone, only checking any new emails and texts. The pictures around the apartment were bad enough, leaving gaping holes in her memory. But to be face to face with hundreds of those little holes was completely terrifying. And then what would happen? She’d feel about a million times worse, that was for sure. And she already felt useless enough in this whole scenario, why add fuel to the fire?

She fingered the cover of the book, taking a deep, steadying breath and opened it, feeling a small smile instantly take over her face. The page was full of pictures of her, LaF, Perry, and Danny, all from her first year at Silas. Turning the page, she felt a little calmer as more photos of her friends popped up. These pictures were of times she remembered. There they were at the Summer Society Halloween party with Mel, the five of them dressed as superheroes. And then picnicking on the quad in the early spring. And having their own little Christmas soiree before the break in LaF and Perry’s room. There were pictures of her and Danny after one of the many sporting events the Summer’s participated in. And pictures of her and LaF, covered in something gooey and disgusting for one of LaF’s science projects gone wrong. And photos of her and Perry making cookies, or more accurately, Perry making cookies and Laura making a mess as she ate the raw dough.

Taking the final sip of her now cold cocoa, she turned the page, completely immersed in the memories of her and her friends that first year and stopped cold, the smile falling from her face. There on the page in front of her were pictures from the Silas Fall Festival. The same festival Carmilla had just told her about the night before. The one where she’d bolted away as soon as she was left alone with the dark-haired girl.

The pictures in front of her showed no signs of bolting though. The Laura in these photos looked so happy and excited. And… there was one in the middle of the page, with just her and Carmilla. Clearly, neither of them were paying attention when it was taken. Carmilla appeared to be looking off to her right and laughing at whatever was there, her arm wrapped around Laura’s shoulders, keeping her close. For her part, the Laura in the photo had both of her arms wrapped around Carmilla’s waist, smiling and staring at the beautiful girl next to her, looking like she was the sun and the moon and stars all rolled into one glorious ball of brilliance.

_What the hell happened that night?_

Shaking her head, she turned the page, thankful when it was filled with something she could remember: LaF’s birthday. Or rather the fancy dinner party that Perry had insisted on throwing for them a few days before their actual birthday. The day of their actual birthday was also fairly memorable as LaF had gotten shitfaced off cheap gin and jager bombs at the bar they'd picked to celebrate at.

Laura smiled, remembering walking out of her bedroom the morning after the night out, finding LaF draped across the kitchen island, still passed out into a bag of Doritos, using Perry’s good dish towels as a pillow and missing their pants. She’d never seen Perry so frazzled as she was when she woke up a few minutes later and found the same sight, now with the addition of an indifferent Laura, sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal, watching TV.

She turned back to the photos from the dinner party, seeing the usual suspects: LaF, Perry, Danny, and Mel. It looked like Mel had brought that Elsie girl she’d dated briefly. And then in the last photo, her and Carmilla.

Wait, how did she remember the dinner but didn’t remember Carmilla being there? Maybe this was something good. Maybe if she kept looking something would come back to her.

She ran her fingers along the edge of the page, comparing the two of them in this picture to the one she’d just seen of them at the festival. It didn’t even look like they were the same couple. They stood there, not touching, Laura smiling politely at the camera and twiddling her fingers nervously in front of her. Next to her, Carmilla stood, hands jammed into her back pockets, a barely there and clearly forced smile tugging at the corners of her lips, her eyes seeming to look past the camera. It was so cold and sterile.

“Laura!” She jumped in her seat, so wrapped up in the picture that she hadn’t even heard Carmilla come in.

“Jesus! Carm, you scared me.”

“I’ve been talking to you for like two minutes now,” she said with a chuckle, stepping closer and taking a seat at the table. “What’s up? You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking… remembering I guess.”

“Remembering?” The hopefulness in Carmilla’s voice was overwhelming, as was the look on her face and she felt awful for unintentionally getting the girls hopes up.

“Just some stuff about LaF.” She watched Carmilla visibly deflate and felt even worse. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… there are just pictures of everyone in here and I was thinking about LaF’s birthday during my second year and all the trouble they got into the night we all went out. I didn’t mean to make you think… I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. It’s fine.” She watched Carmilla look away, clearly disappointed and wanted nothing more than to make it right but she had no idea how, so she stayed quiet. “So um… nothing looked familiar? In that whole book?”

“Actually, I’ve only gone through about a quarter of it. The beginning is all just me and my friends. I’d just gotten to the part where you started showing up.”

“Just now?”

“I um… I kind of got a late start.” She looked into Carmilla’s questioning dark brown eyes and felt that guilt in the pit of her stomach. “Sorry. I just… I guess I’m nervous.”

“Of what? Are you worried you’re going to find something you don’t want to see?” Laura just shrugged, focusing on the intricate patterns in the wood grain of the table. “Laura, you don’t have to look through this. I just thought you might want to. I mean, it’s what your doctor recommended and I figured that even if this didn’t jog anything upstairs, at least you’d be happy to see your friends and remember all the times you guys spent together, that’s all. I didn’t think it would hurt anything to try.”

“It’s not that, Carm, it’s just… I feel so… guilty.”

“What? Why? Laura, you didn’t choose for this to happen.” Carmilla paused, clearly looking for some sort of reaction but Laura kept her head down, feeling worse by the second. “Hey, cupcake, come on.” She heard Carmilla shift her chair closer and then felt the dark haired girl carefully wrap her hands around her own casted one. She took a deep breath, finally looking up into those understanding eyes that she knew would be her undoing. “It’s okay Laura. You don’t have to feel guilty. About anything. Look, I know you want to fix this. So do I and if I could, I’d do it for you in a heartbeat. But, well, that’s not what’s in the cards right now. So don’t beat yourself up over something that you didn’t start to begin with. You haven’t done anything wrong, okay?”

Laura took in the sincerity of not only Carmilla’s words but her tone, beyond grateful for this incredible woman sitting with her. Reaching over with her good hand, she grabbed onto Carmilla, squeezing her wrist and giving her a watery smile.

“Okay,” she whispered. Carmilla just nodded, offering her own gentle squeeze before standing up and walking towards the refrigerator.

“Besides, if you were worried you are going to find something you might not want to see, you won’t find it in there.”

“What do you mean?”

“You store all your dirty pictures on your phone. Clearly, you haven’t looked through those albums,” she said, obviously attempting to lighten the mood.

“What?!?”

“Oh come on, Laura, we’ve been together for seven years. Let’s just say you’ve racked up quite a collection,” Carmilla said, turning back momentarily with a smile. “You’re especially fond of the snaps I send you from time to time.”

“You’re messing with me again, aren’t you?”

“Afraid not. Don’t worry, you give just as good as you get.”

“Oh my god!” She buried her face in her hands in embarrassment, hearing Carmilla chuckle from her spot, perusing the contents of the refrigerator.

* * *

She looked across the table at LaF and Perry, smiling warmly at each other and felt her own lips turn up at the sight, so sweet and loving. She turned to look at Carmilla sitting next to her, who sat staring around the restaurant, taking everything in, her expression blank and very Carmilla-esque. Apparently sensing she was being watched, she turned to Laura, raising both eyebrows in question.

“You okay?” She nodded, reaching up and playing with the corner of her napkin.

“Yeah, I’m good. It’s really nice being here with you guys.”

“Well, we are thrilled you’re here too, Frosh.”

“Absolutely, dear. We’ve missed dinner with the two of you these last few weeks.”

“Oh yeah. Carm said we usually do this with you guys like once a week?”

“Usually at our place but we thought tonight you might like to get out.”

“So um… you don’t remember having dinner with us weekly, L?”

Laura cleared her throat and shook her head sadly, looking down at the table. _Carmilla was there. It was the four of us, so it’s gone._

“Hey, don’t do that to yourself,” Carmilla said, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looked up into those kind eyes, finding so much encouragement it nearly broke her. “You’re doing great, Laura.” _And cue the watery smile._

“Sweetie, Carmilla is right. You’ve made so much progress. Please do not get discouraged.”

“Have you remembered anything at all, Frosh?”

“No,” she answered dejectedly.

“Now that’s not true,” Carmilla interjected. Laura turned to her questioningly, wondering what in the hell she was talking about. She didn’t remember anything. “You do remember things. You remembered how to play chess even though you don’t remember me teaching you. You remembered something about the restaurant, Cornados.”

“No, I don’t remember it, I just said it felt kind of like déja vu, like I was there in a dream.”

“It’s still something, Laura. You felt something familiar. And then just today, you remembered the dinner party Susie Homemaker threw for the Lab Rat. I was there and yes, you don’t remember that part, but you do remember the party.”

“That is progress, L.”

“I just want it all back and I want it now.”

“Impatient as always, cutie.” She felt Carmilla squeeze her shoulder gently before removing her hand and once again, Laura immediately felt the loss of its warmth.

“Was that the dinner party for your birthday?” Perry asked, turning to LaF. “That horrible birthday where you were a complete and total idiot a few days later?”

“Are you seriously still mad about that night? Come on, Per, it was a long time ago.”

“It was a disaster.” Across the table, Laura and Carmilla started chuckling as the other two went back and forth over the severity of LaF’s inebriation that night.

“Look, I was a mess, I know. But I would argue that something good did come out of that night?”

“What good could have possibly come from that, LaF? Other than many pictures of you doing the running man and the cabbage patch in the middle of the club?”

“Oh, I forgot about those pictures!” Carmilla said with a deep laugh.

“Even though you are all jealous of my dance moves, that’s not what I was referring to. I was actually talking about the next day when L finally got her shit together and wrangled up Puss in Biker Boots.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Laura asked, looking at the smiling faces around her.

* * *

  ** _Six Years and Eleven Months Earlier_ **

“Why is it so loud out here, Frosh?”

“It’s not,” Laura said with a laugh, looking around at the basically deserted street. Perry had kicked them out of the apartment so she could clean and, Laura suspected, not be tempted to punch LaF in the face every time they moaned or groaned about their headache. “Come on, you just need some coffee.”

She pulled LaF into the café, trying to remain as sympathetic as possible to her friend's plight but finding it difficult when she thought about the fact that both she and Perry had attempted to cut LaF off multiple times during the night out before and five minutes after each alcohol banishment, they found LaF with a new drink in hand.

“Why don’t you go sit and I’ll get us our drinks.”

LaF just grunted in response before shuffling off to the corner and slumping into one of the available booths there.

“What did they drink last night?” Smiling in recognition of the voice from the table behind her, she turned, immediately meeting Carmilla’s gorgeous face.

She’d missed that face. It had been two weeks since the fall festival and they’d only seen each other twice outside of class: once for the dinner party at her apartment, which was incredibly awkward, and again for a movie night at her place, where she’d kept at least six inches between her and Carmilla at all times and had sighed loudly in relief when LaF and Perry had come home early from their night out.

“Apparently all the gin in Silas,” she answered. Carmilla just chuckled and nodded.

“Dude, give them a cheeseburger, extra greasy, extra cheese, and a banana. Best cure for a super wicked hangover.” She turned as she realized Carmilla wasn’t alone and someone else had just walked up and apparently rejoined her at her table. “Hey, little nerd hottie. How you doing?”

“Hi, Kirsch, good to see you.”

“What do you do, just squish the banana between the buns and shovel it in?” Carmilla asked, apparently very interested in the answer.

“Yeah. I do it all the time, dude. Gives it a little something extra.”

“That’s disgusting, beefcake.”

“Dude, you’re the one who mixes bacon and french fries into their mac and cheese when you’re hungover. Don’t judge.”

Carmilla just shook her head and shrugged before turning back to Laura.

“So you guys had fun last night then?”

Laura had asked Carmilla to join them but she’d had the closing shift at the bar the night before and had declined.

“Well, LaF did,” Laura said, looking over and giggling at her friend who was practically lying on the table. “It was okay. I um… I wish you hadn’t had to work though. It would’ve been nice to hang out with you there.” _With people watching us. Gah, Hollis get your shit together._

Carmilla just nodded and offered a small smile.

“Frosh! Can you flirt with your girlfriend later! I’m dying over here.”

Laura felt a hot moment of panic consume her followed by a sudden urge to bang the heaviest pots and pans she could find over LaF’s head.

 _Girlfriend! No! No! No!_ She turned to Carmilla, sure there would only be a puff of smoke where the other girl was just sitting but surprised when she found her still there, looking a mix of confused and slightly amused at LaF’s outburst.

“Whoa, girlfriend? You didn’t tell me that, angry hottie. Nice,” Kirsch said, going in for a high five and getting left high and dry when Carmilla just stared at him incredulously.

“Kirsch, don’t you have something going on the frat house that you need to attend to? Maybe some stupid pledge that needs to be made into a moving trident target or something like that?”

“Oh yeah! Thanks for reminding me, bro! Herring Week starts Monday. Got tons to do.” He took the final swig from the paper cup in front of him and ran out the door.

Laura turned back to Carmilla, taking in the now apprehensive look on the dark haired girls face and feeling horrible. _Of course, she’s freaking out. She’s probably worried now that you want to be girlfriends. Which duh! Of course, you do. But you guys haven’t talked about that yet. And maybe she isn’t interested in being exclusive. I mean, she has all those other girls who want her-_

“Frosh! Seriously!” She was pulled out of her thoughts, looking over to see an irritated LaF staring back at her and just nodded before turning towards the counter to order. But she could still feel Carmilla’s eyes still on her and took the moment of distraction to try and figure out how to get out of this jam.

Of course, she wanted Carmilla. The other girl had become so important to her and she had never liked anyone else as much as she liked Carmilla. No one else even came close. But on the one hand, what if Carmilla didn’t feel the same way? On the other hand, though, she’d never know if she didn’t put herself out there. After all, if she kept running off, eventually Carmilla would come to her own conclusions and she was sure that those conclusions would definitely not end in her favor.

She grabbed the cups the barista handed her with a hurried smile and twirled back having made her decision. It was time for Laura Hollis to be brave.

Carmilla had stood from her table, apparently already done and ready to leave, no longer looking worried. No, now she just looked defeated.

“Look, Laura, I get it. I’ll um… I’ll see you around.” She sent a sad smile her way and turned, walking out of the café.

_What??? No!_

“Frosh!” She didn’t stop as she rushed out after Carmilla, hands still full.

“Carm! Wait, please!” The dark haired girl stopped, turning back to Laura, still looking hurt but now also irritated with Laura’s abrupt interruption in her departure. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just… this is really hard and it doesn’t have to be, I know that. I just, I really like you and I… oh crap. Carmilla, would you like to have dinner with me? Tonight?”

“What?” The confusion on the other girls face overtook all the other emotions Laura had just seen swirling around.

“If you’d like to, I’d love to take you to dinner. Maybe someplace nice?”

“You want to take me to dinner?” Laura just nodded eagerly. “Someplace nice?” Another enthusiastic nod. “Laura… I don’t get it. You actually want to keep doing this? I just gave you your out. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Carm, I don't want an out, I want you. I want… I want you to be my girlfriend.”

“Your girlfriend?”

“If you’d like to be… I mean I get it if you don’t. I’ve been a complete spaz these last couple of weeks. And even just now, I acted stupid inside. I really don’t want an out. I guess I was just scared you’d freak. That you weren’t interested in more than just dating and hanging out but… I really do like you Carmilla and I know you probably think this is totally out of the blue. And I get that because again… spaz but I just want-”

She cut herself off as Carmilla reached up, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, smiling softly at her.

“You are entirely too much, cutie.”

“So… is that a yes? Please say that’s a yes.”

“That’s a yes, Laura. If you’re sure.”

“I’m positive. I-”

“Frosh, seriously! What the hell!”

She turned, looking to see LaF had just come outside, looking absolutely miserable.

“Oh my god, LaF if you don’t go sit down and shut up, I swear to god-”

“Hey, now don’t start making bodily threats,” Carmilla said with a chuckle, drawing Laura’s attention back to her. “You’re clearly on friend duty right now so go have your coffee and text me. I’ll see you later.”

“But… are you sure? You’re not going to leave and change your mind right?”

“Definitely not, cupcake.” She leaned over, leaving a small kiss on Laura’s cheek and smiled before turning and walking away.

* * *

Carmilla parked Kirsch’s truck that she’d borrowed for the night along the street and looked up at the building to her right. She really hoped she hadn’t overstepped here. Laura had texted her earlier that she’d pick Carmilla up around seven and then they’d go to the rather nice French restaurant that the brunette had made reservations at. It had sounded like a wonderful plan but then Carmilla had come up with something different. And even though this was supposed to be Laura’s night to take her out, she figured she might be able to convince the tiny journalist to bend this one time after she revealed her own plan.

She made her way inside and up to Laura’s floor, taking a deep breath before knocking gently on the door in front of her, waiting for someone to answer. A moment later the door opened to reveal a beautiful Laura Hollis, staring back at her in surprise.

“Carm! What are you doing here? I was going to come get you in like half an hour,” Laura said as they made eye contact, before giving her the once over. “And why are you so dressed down? Did you… did you change your mind about tonight?”

Carmilla swallowed hard at the sight in front of her. Laura in a fitted navy dress that cut right at the knee and heels, hair pulled back. The half-eaten cookie in her right hand was just the icing on the cake.

“No, not at all I just… wow, Laura you seriously look incredible.” She smiled at the slight blush coloring the smaller girls cheeks and stepped closer, taking Laura’s free hand in her own. “And I definitely didn’t change my mind. I just, well, I actually had another idea for tonight, if you’re game. I know you’d planned dinner and everything but maybe we can do that another time?”

“What did you have in mind?” Carmilla reached into the back pocket of her ripped black jeans, pulling out the two tickets she’d just gotten ahold of less than an hour ago and handed them to Laura. Glancing down at the tickets in hand, Laura’s jaw literally dropped. “Cat Power? You got tickets to Cat Power?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I knew you wanted to go but couldn’t get tickets so…”

“So how did you get them?”

“A friend owed me a favor…” She trailed off, hoping she hadn’t just wasted the IOU she’d been holding over Kirsch’s head for months. “Do you want to go?”

“Yes! Oh my god, Carm, yes, absolutely!” The smaller girl threw her arms around her neck, pressing their lips together in an excited kiss. “Let me just go changed really quick.”

And she was off, tripping on her heels as she attempted to run back to her bedroom, closing the door behind her with a loud thud.

Carmilla stepped into the apartment, shutting the door behind her, and stood there awkwardly, taking note of the two pairs of eyes currently on her but pretending to be fascinated with the blank wall to her right.

“Not bad, biker boots. I don’t think I’ve seen her this excited since this morning when you agreed to be her girlfriend,” LaF said with a grin.

“Yeah, well...” Carmilla turned, taking in the two gingers sitting on the couch and shrugged.

“Carmilla, why don’t you come over here and sit with us while you wait.” It sounded more like a command than a suggestion and threw her even more that it was coming from mild-mannered Betty Crocker. Slowly she made her way towards one of the available chairs in the living room, still staring at the two gingers on the couch, wondering why in the hell they were sitting up so straight and looking so serious.

“We need to talk to you, bad seed.”

“Yes, it’s very important.”

“Oh I’m sure it is,” she said, rolling her eyes. “What about?”

“About Laura. And since I’m sure she’s eager to get out with you tonight I doubt we have much time so here it is. You will not hurt her.”

“What?” What was this, a scene from a bad mob movie?

“You will not hurt her,” Perry continued on as if she’d never heard Carmilla speak. “You will not disrespect her. You will not do anything to make her uncomfortable.”

“You won’t pressure her in any way,” LaF chimed in.

“You will call her when you say you will and show up on time when you are supposed to.”

“You won’t blow her off if something or someone ‘better’ comes along.”

“You will not flirt with, call upon, or have any sort of inappropriate relationship with any other girls.”

“You will be honest with her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated.”

“Are we clear?”

“Did you guys like rehearse this?” Both just stared back at her, clearly waiting for a serious answer. Shaking her head with a huff, she sat forward in her chair and met their eyes in challenge. “Look, I get it. You both love Laura and you just want to know that she won’t get hurt. But I don’t want to hurt her. I actually really like that girl in there and regardless of whatever the two of you want to threaten me with, I have no intention of doing anything that would jeopardize her feelings for me. She is incredible and I don’t want to lose her.” She paused for a moment, taking in that their eyes stayed hard and hating that she felt the need to defend herself. But she didn’t want to lose Laura. And the two in front of her had a lot of pull with the tiny brunette. They could break her if they really wanted to. “Look, I know none of you are particularly happy that I’m around. I know you’d prefer her with someone else. Someone like fucking Lawrence but just… just give me a chance.”

“We never said we didn't want you around, Carmilla.”

“You didn’t have to,” she said, her eyes just as hard. Laura’s bedroom door opened then and she stepped out, much more casual in sneakers, jeans and a button up, hair let down.

“Alright, you ready?”

Carmilla just stood and nodded, turning her back to Laura’s roommates. She understood they were just looking out for Laura because they cared but she had done absolutely nothing so far to make them distrust her, had she? She racked her brain, trying to come up with anything she might have done to hurt the brunette since they’d started dating but couldn’t think of a single thing. Maybe Laura had mentioned something to them but didn’t tell Carmilla? Maybe something she’d done completely inadvertently? Maybe it had to do with why the brunette didn’t want to be alone with her?

_Oh fuck. ‘You won’t pressure her in any way.’ Shit, she feels like I’m pressuring her to sleep with me. Goddamnit._

“You okay?” Laura asked as they left the apartment and made their way down the hall to the elevator. “You seem kind of quiet.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She sent a reassuring smile Laura’s way and tucked her hands into her back pockets. Maybe she’d seem less threatening if she kept her hands to herself. “Thanks for being okay with the change in plans tonight.”

“Are you kidding? This is amazing, Carm, I’m so excited. Thank you for getting the tickets,” Laura said, reaching out and grazing her hand down Carmilla’s arm, looking for her hand which she reluctantly offered.

 _Maybe if I just let her initiate any contact between us. Then she won’t feel so pressured._ She felt Laura squeeze her hand softly and lean into her, the scent of her shampoo wafting around them. _She’s going to make this nearly impossible._

“You are very welcome, cupcake.”

* * *

“This is seriously incredible, Carm!” Laura said as she leaned over, her lips brushing Carmilla’s ear as she spoke. Carmilla just smiled back and squeezed the hand in her own. Laura had refused to let go from the moment they’d gotten to the smaller venue and Carmilla found that she didn’t mind one little bit.

_See? Just have to let her lead._

She’d been enjoying the show but found her attention mostly focused on Laura, watching the smaller girl simply light up in pure joy, smiling and laughing, singing along the entire time they’d been standing there. Clearly the IOU she traded in was worth it. She turned back to the stage, watching and listening for three more songs before the concert ended in a thunderous applause. Laura finally let go of her hand to join in for a minute but the lack of contact was short lived as she turned to Carmilla as the lights went up, wrapping her arms around the other girl's waist and pulling her close.

“This was like the best date in all of the entire world, ever.” Carmilla laughed, bringing her hands to Laura’s elbows and softly rubbing her thumbs up and down.

“I’m glad you think so, cutie. Come on, let’s get out of here.” She felt Laura grab onto her hand as they walked, keeping close. They made their way outside to Kirsch’s truck, hurriedly trying to beat the rest of the concert goers out to avoid the traffic but finding themselves stuck right in the middle.

Carmilla hit the breaks once again, waiting for the line of cars to move, tapping her fingertips on the steering wheel and gearshift along to the tune on the radio. She looked over, catching Laura staring at her, smiling wide, her eyes soft.

“What?” she asked with a chuckle.

“Nothing, I just… thank you again, Carm. For tonight and for… everything. This was so much fun and I’m so glad I got to go and… be here with you.”

“It really wasn’t a big deal, Laura. I just thought it would make you happy,” she said with a shrug.

“It did.” She scooted into the middle seat and reached over taking Carmilla’s hand from the gearshift and sliding their fingers together. She used her other hand to cup Carmilla’s jaw, running her thumb along her cheek. “You are kind of the best girlfriend ever, you know that?”

Carmilla just chuckled, leaning into Laura’s palm and hoping the rare blush she felt covering her cheeks wasn’t visible in the dark cabin. The look on Laura’s face told her it was though as the tiny brunette just smiled harder, leaning forward and capturing Carmilla’s lips with her own. The kiss didn’t stop until the blaring of car horns behind them pulled them apart.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“So you guys just had to give the big ‘hurt her and we’ll kill you’ speech didn’t you?”

“I think our version was better but yeah, we did, Frosh. Part of the whole best friend duty thing.”

“We love you, sweetie and we just wanted to make sure she understood that this wasn’t just some fling for you.”

“Well, I do appreciate you both watching out for me. But I guess it was kind of a waste considering everything huh?”

“Maybe. But she still needed to hear it.” Laura just smiled at the thought of her protective friends, nodding once.

“So I guess something good did come out of your insanely over the top hangover.”

“Totally. Although, oh my god, you were so nervous that whole day, it was driving me nuts, Frosh. I mean the hangover amplified it but you were a mess.”

“It was actually rather sweet I thought. You wanted that night to be so special.” Laura smiled at the thought of a younger her and Carmilla and how thoughtful they were to each other. She looked at the empty seat next to her, Carmilla having just excused herself a few minutes earlier to use the restroom and pay the bill, insisting it was her treat tonight for LaF and Perry being so helpful over the last few weeks, and thought of how amazing of a start they really had.

“And then you were so miserable when Carmilla dropped you off that night and went home alone.”

“Wait, why would I be upset? The date sounded amazing.”

“Oh come on, L, get with it. You had finally worked up the guts and were totally planning on getting laid that night and then you didn’t.”

“How do you know that?!”

“It was kind of obvious, L.”

“What!”

“Laura, sweetheart, I’m afraid that’s true. Once Carmilla agreed to be yours exclusively, it was like that fight between the four of us never happened. Or at least wasn’t that important anymore.”

“What did that fight have to do with me getting laid?”

“Well, after it happened you were terrified of being alone with Carmilla. The very first night you went to her apartment, you came home and started barraging us with how you wouldn’t be able to measure up to all of her experience because you didn’t have any and how if you didn’t measure up, she’d lose interest.”

“Oh god!” Laura turned, catching sight of Carmilla on her way back to the table. “Does she know that? Does she know that’s why I kept my distance?”

Her two friends just shrugged.

“But why does that matter, Frosh? I mean obviously, the two of you eventually got it on.”

“Oh my god, LaF, do you have any tact?”

* * *

It was late by the time they arrived back home, both yawning widely as they slowly moved into the house. Carmilla tossed her keys onto the table by the door and locked up after Laura had entered. She simultaneously pulled off her jacket while kicking off her boots, finding herself exhausted as the events of the day finally caught up with her.

“You okay?” Laura asked from her spot in the kitchen where she was already getting ready to tuck into the piece of chocolate cheesecake she’d brought home. Carmilla smiled at the familiarity of the moment, though typically Laura usually tended to start in on her dessert before they even got in the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Stretching, she made her way over, taking the stool next to Laura’s. “How is it tonight?” she asked, nodding towards the fork poised at Laura’s lips.

“Mmm, so good. Do you want a bite?” Carmilla stared back for a moment, unable to stop the hint of a smirk forming on her lips. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want. I just thought I’d offer. I um… I can get another fork if you don’t want to use mine.”

Carmilla shook her head with a smile. _So fucking cute._

“Laura, you do realize I’m not worried about you or your germs right? I mean, we’ve shared… a lot over the years.” Laura just smiled, blushing slightly at the thought of all that might entail. Deciding to save her some embarrassment, Carmilla chuckled again, plucking the fork from Laura’s hand and taking a bite of the creamy cake in front of her before passing the fork back.

“So…”

“Yes…?”

“Nothing, just thinking I guess. Categorizing all the new information I learned tonight.”

“You know, if you ever don’t want to hear about something or… if something’s making you uncomfortable, you can always say so.” Carmilla turned to her completely serious, wanting Laura to understand that the last thing she wanted to do was to pressure her. “Before we left the restaurant tonight, it seemed like something might have gotten to you. Was it the date?”

“No, not at all, the date was really sweet. And I’m glad I got to hear about how we finally became official.”

“Yeah, not too many frills or fuss on that front.”

“I liked it. It seemed fitting. Simple” She paused for a moment, staring down at the swirling patterns of chocolate within the remainder of her dessert. “LaF and Perry just mentioned something while you were paying the bill.”

“Well, that cease and desist goes for all of us.”

“I know. I mean, I appreciate you saying that and I know you would stop. And I know they would too if I asked. So far, nothing I’ve heard has been too much to handle. It just gets harder sometimes… when it seems like the conversation is veering more towards the two of us being… intimate.” Carmilla kept quiet, letting Laura process. “I mean, I know we were. We’ve been together for seven years, you don’t just go that long with someone without kissing and cuddling and… other stuff. It’s just strange.” She paused again for a moment, twirling her fork around the container in front of her. “So, can I ask… were there other times that I avoided you? Other times where I wouldn’t be alone with you?” Carmilla nodded, eyeing Laura curiously. “I think I know why. I’m not sure if you do though."

“I might. What’s your thesis, Sherlock?”

“You had all this experience and I didn’t. I was worried and apparently, you made me nervous. Which I totally get. I mean, honestly, sitting here right now, I’m nervous around you.”

 _Shit,_ she thought, feeling the smile fall from her face. _This is why you shouldn’t have started back with the nicknames or the touching._

“I didn’t mean bad nervous! I just... you’re beautiful and amazing and completely charming. I’m sure you’ve made a lot of girls nervous over the years. But it’s… it’s a good nervous. And mine was amplified back then I think because of just how much it seemed that I liked you. I um… I realized something last night.” She paused once again, looking down for a moment as if gathering her courage before turning back. “You were my first, weren’t you?”

Carmilla looked away for a moment, finding herself not at all surprised that Laura had figured out that little nugget on her own. Turning back, she met Laura’s gaze, staring into those beautiful eyes that she loved, and nodded.

“I was. But in all fairness, I didn’t know that until our almost first time together.”

“Man, am I smooth or what?” Laura said, attempting to bring some humor into the suddenly heavy conversation and Carmilla couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle.

“So I guess you made me nervous too. For many reasons. The first time we actually did though, you did tell me afterward that that’s why you’d been avoiding being alone with me. That you didn’t think you’d be good enough.”

“Well, according to my friends, I had a lot to measure up to.”

“Yeah, well your friends are dicks.” Laura giggled, and Carmilla felt her heart skip at the sound.

They sat quietly for a moment, Laura still swirling her fork around the container, Carmilla staring down at her hands in front of her. Finally, Carmilla subtly glanced to her left, taking in the features of the beautiful girl next to her. She’d spent hours memorizing every inch of that face and it still wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She smiled softly when Laura looked up, meeting her eyes. _Those goddamn honey eyes. Fuck._

“So in the future, I don't think I'll go for the full cease and desist, but I might need to call a timeout if those risque stories come up. Or maybe just get the milder version of them.”

“Laura, those stories don’t have to come up at all. I’m happy to tell you whatever you want but I’m not going to force you to listen to something you don’t want to hear.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to hear. I’m still sussing all of that out, to be honest.”

“Well, whatever you want, creampuff, I’ll give it to you.”

“I know.” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and then staring deeply into Carmilla’s eyes. “Thank you, Carmilla. For everything. You have seriously been so incredible these last few weeks and especially since I’ve been home. I can’t imagine being in your shoes. I don’t know what I would do.”

“You’d probably do a better job than I am,” Carmilla joked. Laura giggled, picking up another piece of the cheesecake in front of her and handing the fork to Carmilla. Carmilla just smiled back and took the fork, taking the offered bite. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hollis, this cheesecake is fucking amazing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, seriously blown out of the water away with the response to this story. You guys are so awesome and it's making this so much fucking fun to write! 
> 
> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	11. And Tonight You Belong To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, I was wondering about something you said the other night. About… our almost first time.”
> 
> Or the time where Carmilla tells Laura the story of their almost first time... and then remembers some stuff later on her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes in italics.

Laura pushed her laptop to the side and stretched, her fingers tired from the hours of typing that she hadn’t done for weeks. She had definitely fallen out of practice during all her downtime. She stood up from her seat in the kitchen where she had set up her things earlier and walked around the island, intending on making a fresh carafe of coffee until she looked at the clock and realized it was already after seven.

 _Probably shouldn’t keep myself up any longer than necessary._ It was her third day back to work and while she was happy to have that little bit of structure back in her life, she was definitely feeling the effects of the long hours after weeks of nothing. At least her freelance work meant she got to do most of her writing from home, which she was grateful for. Finally deciding against the coffee, she opened the refrigerator instead, thinking that she should probably eat something considering she hadn’t had anything since the chocolate muffin that Carmilla had picked up for her that morning before leaving herself for a meeting with her agent JP and a shoot that had already been rescheduled three times.

She couldn’t help but notice the incredibly dark circles under Carmilla’s eyes when she’d handed her the waxy paper bag that morning. The poor girl looked beyond exhausted. And now here it was looking like it was going to be another late night for her. Laura couldn’t help feeling guilty for that. She may not have caused the accident but if none of this had happened, Carmilla wouldn’t have been running around for the last few weeks on minimal sleep, doing everything she could to help take care of Laura. She really needed to find some way to thank her properly, but she was at a loss for what to do. Everything she thought up just seemed far too small for the sacrifices Carmilla had made.

She continued to ponder the possibilities as she made herself a quick sandwich and was just getting ready to sit down again when the turning of the deadbolt on the door caught her attention. Looking up she watched as Carmilla literally hauled herself inside, dropping her messenger bag and falling back against to door tiredly once it was closed.

“Hey, you’re home.” Laura smiled at the other girl, feeling something in her stomach flutter unexpectedly just the tiniest bit.

“And apparently not a moment too soon if that’s what you were planning to eat for dinner.” Laura looked down at the PB&J in front of her and shrugged. “Think again, buttercup. Let me just wash up really quick and I’ll make you something proper.”

“Carm, this is fine. I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“Tough, you still need to get your strength back and I’m sure you ate nothing but cookies all day.”

“That’s not true. I actually didn’t have anything,” Laura said, cringing and realizing after the fact that that sounded much worse. Carmilla just stared at her for a minute before shaking her head and making her way down the hall.

An hour later, they sat in the living room together having just finished up the quick dinner Carmilla had put together for them, attempting to settle in for the night after their respective days. Laura had insisted on cleaning up the dinner mess by herself as it was the least she could do and, as she’d discovered, Carmilla really wasn’t that great at cleanup.

Laura stretched her legs out along the couch, taking care not to intrude on Carmilla’s space who sat across from her on the other end of the sofa, legs propped on the trunk in front of them. The television was on across the room but Laura wasn’t paying much attention to it. Instead, she kept looking over, taking in the dark haired girl next to her, book in hand, reading. It wasn’t even a conscious decision. She just kept finding her eyes roaming away from the Orphan Black episode and sticking to the girl next to her, taking in every detail. She was trying to be inconspicuous at least but apparently not doing a very good job at it.

“Something wrong, cupcake?” Carmilla asked, not even looking up from her book.

“No,” Laura said, chuckling to herself at having gotten caught. Carmilla just turned her head, meeting her gaze and raising a questioning eyebrow. “Really, nothing’s wrong. Sorry.”

“Alright, we’ve both been busy and it’s been a few days since you’ve gotten to hear about any adventure from our past,” she teased, marking the page and setting her book aside. “What story do you want to hear next?”

Carmilla was right. They’d both been so invested in getting back to work and taking care of overdue odds and ends that they’d spent very little time together over the last few days. Usually, by the time Carmilla got home, the only thing either of them had any energy for was to collapse.

“Carmilla, no. You’re right it has been a few days but you’re also exhausted.”

“Come on, you haven’t asked me anything since you found out how you conned me into being your girlfriend. I know you’ve got more questions burning in that brain.” Carmilla sat back further on the couch, her eyes heavy, using the back to rest her head on. “What do you have, Hollis?”

“Are you sure?” Carmilla just nodded. “Well, I was wondering about something you said the other night. About… our almost first time.”

“Really? You want to hear about that?” The surprise in Carmilla’s voice was obvious.

“I guess I’m just curious. After you mentioned it, it just made me wonder. That’s all.” That was only part of the truth though. Yes, she’d felt a tiny spark of curiosity flare up as they sat together in the kitchen that night, sharing Laura’s cheesecake. But that tiny spark amplified big time when she’d accidentally walked in on Carmilla changing the previous day.

It had been an exceptionally beautiful mid-October morning and she’d taken her coffee out onto the patio to enjoy a few of the sun’s rays before she started working on the new article she’d just picked up the day before from an online magazine that had been scouting her for months. She’d just finished her coffee and had wandered back inside, intent on showering and getting ready for the day, not thinking even for a second about the fact that Carmilla had been getting into the guest shower when she’d gone outside. Walking down the hallway, she looked up as she reached the doorway to their bedroom and stopped short, her jaw slack and eyes wide, taking in the beautiful, half-naked form of Carmilla getting dressed for the day.

She knew Carmilla was gorgeous. Anyone with eyes could see that and honestly, she was still trying to figure out how she, tiny, nerdy little Laura Hollis had landed this girl. But did she have to be literally the sexiest woman on the planet? Standing there in her bra and underwear, making Laura feel things she hadn’t felt in… _Oh, who the hell knows how long. And holy shit,_ she thought, taking in the view as Carmilla bent at the waist, pulling on the fitted, torn jeans she was so fond of.

Laura took in the plains of smooth, pale, perfect skin, feeling her heart beat a little faster and her breathing slow. This wasn’t right. She shouldn’t be standing there staring at the completely unaware girl when for all intents and purposes, she had no right to. A month ago she might have but not now. Not when everything had changed so drastically.

She turned to leave, attempting to sneak away as quietly as possible when Carmilla looked up and caught her.

“Laura?”

_Shit…_

“Hey,” she said, turning back slowly, her face a mask of guilt and embarrassment. Her eyes flicked to Carmilla’s face for a moment before turning away again, feeling her mortification kick up about ten notches when she saw the knowing smirk there.

“What’re you doing?” Carmilla deliberately asked, still smirking as she pulled on the soft gray sweater that had been laying on the bed.

“Nothing, I just… Ugh, I’m so sorry, Carm. I came back here to shower and stuff and I totally forgot you were still getting ready. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to… ogle you like that. It just caught me by surprise.” She looked up when Carmilla chuckled, watching as she sat on the edge of the bed, pulling on her boots.

“Don’t worry about it, Hollis, nothing you haven’t seen before. It’s not a big deal. Unless you’re like repulsed by what you saw. Then we might have a problem,” she said with a grin.

“Definitely not repulsed,” she said quietly, smiling and blushing harder. Carmilla had simply smiled and walked out of the room, leaving her to get ready.

She shook her head to rid herself of the image and turned back to a still surprised Carmilla.

“I mean if that’s okay. If you’d rather tell me about something else, that’s fine. I’ll literally take whatever I can get.”

Carmilla looked away for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning back. “It was about a week after the concert…”

* * *

  ** _Six Years & Eleven Months Earlier_ **

Laura looked around the room, making sure everything was in place and… _Perfect._

Everything seemed to be. She’d spent hours cleaning the apartment Perry-style with a toothbrush and had sent her two roommates out for the night with forty dollars from her latest care package from her dad and strict instructions not to come back until much much later. She really hoped she wasn’t overdoing it with the candles and the music but she wanted it to be romantic and special.

Things had been amazing with Carmilla and they’d somehow found a way to spend at least a little bit of time together every day for the last week. Even on the nights Carmilla worked the closing shift at the bar, she’d make sure to stop by and see Laura beforehand. They didn’t really do much of anything outside the norm; talking about their days, watching something nerdy that Laura had picked out on TV, cuddling up close on the couch, kissing. And oh the kissing. It had only gotten more addicting and Laura swore every single time that it couldn’t get any better but low and behold, the next time, it did.

Something had changed though, and certainly not for the better. While the kissing and cuddling and hand holding was great, it was all constantly Laura’s initiation that got them there. Carmilla seemed to be on a mission to keep her hands to herself and herself out of reach unless Laura pulled her in first and for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why. This hadn’t been a problem before they’d became official and if she wasn’t so sure that Carmilla really did want to be in this relationship, she would’ve started to wonder if maybe Carmilla was losing interest. She was really hoping that tonight would be different.

_Because there’s no way in hell I’m going to get through this on my own._

Tonight. Triple checking that everything was in its place, she lit the candles in her bedroom and checked the clock once more. Carmilla would be there any minute and if she were honest, her nerves were starting to get the better of her. So much so that when she heard a quiet knock just a moment later, she literally jumped.

Taking a calming breath she moved towards the door to open it, finding a smiling Carmilla on the other side, looking beautiful as always.

“Creampuff.”

“Hey, you’re just in time,” she said, opening the door for Carmilla to enter and making sure it was locked tight once she was inside.

“Just in time for what? And why is it so dark in here?” Laura turned to find Carmilla removing her jacket, revealing that off the shoulder fitted black and white striped top that she loved.

“Oh, no reason. I just was enjoying the ambiance.” Carmilla turned to look at her, quirking an eyebrow in question and Laura felt herself cringe at the answer. “Would you like something to drink or anything?”

“I’m good,” Carmilla said, still looking at Laura curiously. “Are you okay? You seem anxious or something. Your face is kind of flushed.”

_Ugh, get it together Hollis, and girl the hell up._

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, stepping towards Carmilla and placing her hands on the other girl's hips, pulling their bodies together. “I’m just glad you’re here. I missed you today.”

“Oh really?” Carmilla smirked and reached up, running her thumb along the side of Laura’s jaw, causing her to smile.

Steeling her nerves, she leaned in, letting her lips brush softly against Carmilla’s, sighing quietly when Carmilla responded. She didn’t have it in her to do the back and forth banter tonight. She wanted Carmilla and she wanted her now. Pulling away, she looked into those intense dark eyes, grabbed on to one of Carmilla’s hands and pulled her slowly towards her bedroom. Pushing the door open and walking inside, she finally turned, taking in Carmilla’s surprised expression in the flickering candlelight.

“Laura… what is this?” Carmilla turned to her, meeting her gaze, her eyes still inquisitive. This was the moment she was supposed to be brave for. This was when she had to tell Carmilla what she wanted. And of course, her damn mouth refused for form words as she stood there, looking back, wide-eyed, crimson in embarrassment. “Hey. Are you okay? You look like you’re about to have a panic attack.” Carmilla pulled her further into the room, sitting her on the edge of the bed and knelt before her, her face a mask of concern.

Of course, this was how this was going to go. She’d worked herself up into this alarming frenzy and now she couldn’t form words so naturally, Carmilla would spend the night worrying about her and the whole thing would be a bust.

“Stay right there, let me get you some water.”

“No!” She grabbed onto Carmilla’s arm as she moved to stand, effectively stopping her from leaving and pulled her closer to the edge of the bed. The dark haired girl sat gingerly, tucking a strand of loose hair behind Laura’s ear and waited. “No. I’m okay. I’m fine. Just nervous I guess.”

“Nervous about what?”

“Come on, Carm. Lights are down, candles are lit, soft music in the background. No roommates and I locked the door behind you…” Carmilla smiled at her, chuckling softly. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Yes, it is but I just wanted to make sure before I jumped to the wrong conclusion.” Carmilla took her hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing softly. “But, Laura, if you’re this nervous about it, maybe we shouldn’t. I mean, I don’t want you doing something you don’t want to do.”

“Trust me,” Laura giggled. “I want to.”

She looked up into Carmilla’s beautiful face, smiling gently for a moment before pulling her close by the front of her shirt. Their lips met softly at first as if testing the waters before diving in. She felt Carmilla’s hands tangle into her hair, tugging slightly, attempting to pull her even closer and she smiled against the dark-haired girl's open lips. Apparently, it didn’t take much to convince her. But what now?

_Alright, you can do this, Hollis. Be bold._

Moving her hands to Carmilla’s shoulders, she used them as leverage to hoist herself up and straddle the other girl, feeling Carmilla now smiling against her lips at the new position.

“Feeling daring, cupcake?” she teased, moving her hands to Laura’s hips, pulling her closer.

“Just shut up and kiss me, Carm,” she said with a smile, leaning down to meet their lips once more. Carmilla just chuckled into the kiss, doing as requested and opening her mouth against Laura’s.

_Okay, this is really happening._

She felt Carmilla’s hands move from her hips to her back, under her shirt, her short black nails slowly tickling along Laura’s spine for a moment before disappearing.

_What? Wait, there was touching, what is she- oh!_

Feeling Carmilla’s hands move back around to her front, she sighed in relief when she felt the bottom button of her shirt being pushed through its hole as Carmilla tugged gently with her teeth on Laura’s bottom lip. God, this girl was turning her into a puddle and they’d only just gotten started. Carmilla’s mouth drifted down her jaw and neck, all lips and soft teeth, hitting that one spot under her right ear that always drove her crazy. And dammit, Carmilla knew that. So distracted by the perfect use of her mouth there, Laura didn’t even realize Carmilla had gotten through all of the buttons on her shirt and had slipped her hands inside, running them across every available inch of skin there before pushing the garment from her shoulders.

Carmilla leaned back, looking down at the skin she’d just revealed and Laura held her breath, feeling a little self-conscious at the moment. She watched as Carmilla’s eyes roamed for a minute before meeting hers, a flirtatious smirk slowly forming on her lips.

“Damn, cupcake, you’ve been holding out,” she teased. Laura felt herself blush and looked away with a smile before meeting Carmilla’s eyes again.

“Yeah, well turnabout’s fair play,” Laura said, reaching for the hem of Carmilla’s shirt and tugging. She was not prepared for what lay underneath as Carmilla’s gorgeous, pale skin was revealed, contrasting exquisitely against the black bra she wore.

 _Jesus, she has to be the most amazingly beautiful girl in the world,_ she thought as her eyes roamed every inch available. She pulled her eyes back up to Carmilla’s when the dark haired girl started chuckling, watching as she leaned back on her elbows.

“You just going to sit there and stare all night?” Apparently, they were going to do the back and forth banter tonight after all. They’d just do it with a little less clothing than normal. Laura just smiled and leaned down, meeting their lips again.

She let out an audible moan at the skin on skin contact, the warmth and softness of Carmilla’s torso finally meeting hers sending her to another level. She felt Carmilla nip at her jawline from below and shift their positions, pushing her flat on her back onto the bed. Reaching up to run her fingers through Carmilla’s hair again, she felt more than heard the small groan escaping the girl above her as their lower halves became entangled once again, thighs firmly pressing between legs.

Carmilla paused, leaning her forehead against Laura’s her eyes intense.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Laura nodded with a soft smile. She watched as Carmilla searched her face for any sort of reservation and felt her heart swell at the thoughtfulness of the girl above her. “I’m good. I know I’ve bailed on you before, Carm and, yeah I was nervous and scared. But I mean, I think most people feel that way their first time so…”

_Ugh, Laura, you dummy!_

She watched Carmilla’s eyes widen and felt her shift immediately, pushing herself up, their bodies coming apart.

_No!_

“Your first? Really?”

“Well… kind of… yeah.” Laura leaned up on her elbows as Carmilla pulled back further, sitting back on her heels looking completely spooked. “Carm? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just…” Carmilla trailed off, rolling away, completely removing herself from Laura. She sat at the edge of the bed, reaching for her shirt where it had fallen on the floor just a few minutes earlier.

Laura felt the edge of panic in her chest, watching from the middle of her bed as Carmilla stood and pulled it back over her head.

“Carm? What is it, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, frustratedly running a hand through her hair.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing. I mean we were just…” She trailed off, sitting up further and attempting to cover herself with her arms. This was so humiliating and all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide her face for a week, maybe two. “I guess you don’t want to.”

“Laura, I think it should be fairly obvious from the way I was just grinding against your that I want to. If you reached into my pants right now, you’d realize just how much I do want to.” The frustrated look on Carmilla’s face caught her off guard. “It’s just, I didn’t know that you’d never… I mean, why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, why does that matter?”

“Because it matters, Laura. I mean, were you really not going to tell me this?”

“No. I mean yes. I mean… yes, I would’ve told you but no, I wasn’t planning to just blurt it out like I just did all spastic and awkward.”

“Don’t you think you should’ve maybe said something before now?” Carmilla looked at her, her eyes pleading. Laura stared back for a moment, arms still firmly fixed across her chest, and tried to think of a way out of this situation.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I should’ve. But, Carm, honestly, why does it matter?”

“Because I want you to be sure.” Carmilla sat back on the bed, taking Laura’s hands in her own, her face serious but her eyes soft. “I mean, you’ve waited this long and we’re still kind of new to each other. I just don’t want you to regret jumping into this.”

“I’m not jumping! I’ve thought about this, like... a lot.”

“A lot, huh? Like every time you bolted when we were alone together?”

“Carm, no I’m sure. I’m not going to regret this. Not with you.”

“Look, Laura, this is a big deal. I mean, again, you’ve waited this long for the right person to come along. I’m not saying no. I’m just saying, maybe you should think about it a little more.”

Laura stared back into Carmilla’s pleading eyes, hating how this felt so much like rejection but realizing that Carmilla really was just trying to be good to her. _I mean, that’s the real reason right? It’s not because she’s thinking something else?_

“It’s not because you’re worried I’ll like, suck?” Laura felt every available inch of skin heat up in embarrassment at blurting out that question, but she had to know. After all, the thought had been rolling around in her brain ever since the blow-up with her friends.

“Cupcake, no.” Carmilla moved closer, letting go of one of Laura’s hands to cup her jaw, running her thumb along her cheek. “Look, Laura, I like you. A lot. You know that. And trust me, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this moment. I’ve wanted you since the moment I first laid eyes on you. But then, after we got to know each other a little, well… you’re important to me, okay? I just… I honestly thought you just weren’t ready. I mean, you practically ran out of my apartment a couple weeks ago when we started. And after that, it seemed like you were so uncomfortable being alone with me. Like you were terrified that I was going to pounce on you at any moment.”

“I freaked myself out. I definitely wanted to but then… well, I got in my head and I thought about all the experience you have and that I have next to none and… yeah, it just kind of snowballed from there.”

“Look, let’s just take a step back okay? We’ll get there when we get there. And in the meantime, I’m not going anywhere. I hope you aren’t either.”

“I’m not, Carm,” she said, squeezing Carmilla’s hand. She looked down at their intertwined fingers, running her thumb across the back of Carmilla’s knuckles.

“What’s going on in the head of yours, cupcake?”

“You’re sure you do want to? At some point?”

“I’m positive. Just, think about it for a bit okay?” Laura just nodded, smiling as Carmilla leaned forward, leaving a soft kiss on her lips before leaning back and pulling her off the bed. She bent down, grabbing Laura’s discarded shirt and handing it to the brunette. “Come on, get dressed and let’s get out of here. I’ll buy you a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.”

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

“Too much?” Carmilla asked, attempting to catch the brunettes eye. Laura stopped fidgeting with her hands in her lap and immediately looked up, smiling softly at the girl sitting cross-legged and facing her on the couch, their knees almost touching under the blanket they were sharing.

“No. No, not at all. You… it sounds like you were a really amazing girlfriend, Carm. You were so sweet.”

“I **was**? Why are you using the past tense there?” Carmilla teased.

“Well, I'm pretty sure you always have been. I just don’t have the complete picture yet. There’s still a lot of time missing up here,” she said, tapping at her temple.

Carmilla’s teasing smirk fell a little and Laura felt her own soft smile slipping away. Why’d she have to say that? Was she hell-bent on hurting Carmilla?

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Carmilla asked with a shrug. “Again, you didn’t do this on purpose. And you’re right, there is still a lot missing. But…” Laura looked up, taking in the sweet but apprehensive look on Carmilla’s face, waiting patiently for whatever Carmilla wanted to say. “But I’m not going to give up on you, Laura.”

 _Wow._ She stared back into Carmilla’s amazing dark brown eyes, unwilling to look away despite the intensity in her gaze. How in the holy Hufflepuff did she win this girl? This incredibly wonderful woman that she’d fallen in love with all those years ago, who she had no memory of, was still sitting here at her side, holding on and refusing to let go.

She reached out, taking both of Carmilla’s hands in her own, causing Carmilla to smile at the awkward grip from her cast.

“I want you to know I’m not giving up either, Carm. I know it’s going to be hard. For both of us. But I want to make this better. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

“How about, for now, you keep listening, I’ll keep telling you whatever you want to hear about, and we’ll go from there?”

Laura just smiled and nodded. Whether she figured this out or not, whether she ever got her memory back or not, at least…

_At least I have Carmilla._

* * *

Carmilla sat on the couch, looking out the window behind her, watching the stars glistening upon the waters below. Laura had gone to bed half an hour earlier, leaving her alone in the dark with her thoughts.

The view was beautiful. During the warmer months, they had made a habit of sitting snuggled up on the balcony together, sipping wine, eating chocolate and watching the stars for hours. There were even a couple of times they ended up falling asleep out there, still wrapped around one another.

 _God, I miss her,_ she thought, sighing in frustration. Sure, they had spent time together and there had been smiling and laughing. There’d had even been some minor teasing on her part. And all of that was great. But she missed more. She missed the mutual flirtation. She missed waking up next to Laura. She missed the small touches. She missed the hugs, the kissing, the holding. _Fuck, I miss the sex._

She sighed deeply. That was the last thing she should be thinking about and, honestly, it hadn’t been at the forefront of her thoughts lately. But the last two days… between the heated look in Laura’s eyes after walking in on her changing and the recap of their first almost time together tonight… well, some things had started stirring.

Looking back out at the stars, she swallowed hard and her mind drifted off on its own, heading down memory lane.

_This is going to be a long night._

* * *

  ** _Six Years & Ten Months Earlier_ **

“So you really do get bored here huh?” Carmilla said, running her fingers through the soft head of hair lying on her shoulder.

“No,” Laura said with a laugh, keeping her eyes on the laptop screen in front of them. “I came here straight from the library so I had my laptop with me.”

“And the Buffy DVD’s?”

“Never leave home unprepared, Carm,” she said, snuggling further into her side.

It had been three weeks since the concert and two since the night of the ‘failed seduction’ as Laura had coined it, much to Carmilla’s chagrin, but things between them had been pretty fucking great in her opinion. They’d’ been spending as much time together as they could, enjoying every moment of each other’s company.

Tonight, they’d decided to just lay low after having been out and about their last few evenings together. Between the Summer Society triathlon celebration for Danny and Mel, the annual monthly game night hosted by LaF and Perry, and the Zeta Beer Bash that Kirsch had insisted they come to, it’d been a while since they’d just been able to sit quietly together and just… be. And Carmilla was surprised to discover that she’d missed that.

The staying home decision found them sitting on Carmilla’s bed, propped against the headboard with Laura snuggled into Carmilla’s side, head resting on her shoulder, laptop open in front of them.

“Well, at least this is better than that last thing you made me watch. Whatever the hell that was with the phone booth or whatever.”

“It’s a Tardis, Carm, and you’re only saying that because you think the girls on Buffy are hot,” Laura said with a chuckle.

“None of them are as hot as you, cupcake,” she said, turning and leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s forehead.

“Hmm… I think you might need glasses.” Carmilla just chuckled, squeezing Laura tighter to her side.

 _Sugar. She always smells sweet, like sugar and… chocolate. Why is that surprising?_ Carmilla thought, smiling and burying her nose a little deeper into Laura’s hair as her lips grazed Laura’s forehead a few more times. This wasn’t exactly a position she was used to. Cuddling was not normally on her agenda. But feeling Laura along her side, head snuggled into her shoulder, hand teasing across Carmilla’s stomach, it felt pretty amazing.

And then it felt like something else.

She was trying to pay attention to the show, she really was. But unfortunately, Laura’s fingertips had made their way under the hem of her shirt, scratching low on her stomach which she was finding incredibly distracting. Honestly, she didn’t even think Laura realized what she was doing as she continued to giggle at the one-liners and jokes. It was after the fifth or sixth laughless punchline that Laura finally turned her head, looking up at Carmilla.

“Are you falling asleep back there?”

“No, I’m up.” Her voice was huskier than normal, she could hear it in her own ears. Dammit, she hadn’t even realized how affected she’d been by Laura’s touch until that moment. She felt Laura shift, turning as the smaller girl eyed her curiously, the moment of silence stretching on. Their eyes finally met and Carmilla used every ounce of willpower she had to keep from pouncing Laura right then and there.

But apparently, Laura wasn’t feeling as patient because a moment later she crashed their lips together. And why in the hell should she fight that? Moving both hands into Laura’s hair, she ran her fingers through the silky strands as she opened her mouth, sighing quietly when Laura’s tongue met hers.

Kissing. Kissing was good. And feeling Laura pressed against her was even better. She settled back against the pillows as Laura rolled on top of her, their lips still locked, laptop near the end of the bed forgotten. She moved her hands to Laura’s hips, grabbing and pulling the smaller girl into her, the sensation apparently too much for Laura as she pulled her lips away with a gasp, her forehead resting against Carmilla’s and Carmilla swore those honey brown eyes had darkened at least ten shades at the moment.

“Cupcake?” She felt Laura grind down into her once more and she knew they wouldn’t be stopping this time. Still… “Are you sure?”

Laura just nodded, leaning in to kiss her again but stopping just short, their lips barely grazing each other. Carmilla just smiled and closed the gap, capturing Laura’s mouth and softly tugging at her bottom lip. Moving her hands from Laura’s hips, she teased at the hem of Laura’s shirt, taking a moment before giving a gentle tug. Laura pulled away for a split second as Carmilla pulled it over her head, immediately colliding their lips back together once she was free of the fabric with a moan. Moving her hands up Laura’s sides, she stopped, her fingertips grazing the thin material of Laura’s bra. Reaching around her back, she toyed with the clasp for a moment, smiling at the frustrated sigh Laura let out when she didn’t immediately unhook it.

“Don’t you want to enjoy this, creampuff?” she teased.

“I think I’ll enjoy it a lot more when we don’t have clothes on.”

Carmilla just chuckled, finally releasing the clasp, the now useless material quickly sliding down Laura’s arms before it was tossed to the corner of the room. Rolling them over, Carmilla leaned back, taking in the skin she’d just revealed for a moment, shaking her head at the beauty of the girl below her before meeting Laura’s eyes and smirking again as she realized Laura’s hands were impatiently tugging at her shirt. Taking pity on her, she leaned back on her knees, quickly shucking both her shirt and bra, catching Laura’s wide-eyed look of appreciation before leaning back down, their mouths meeting again.

And there it was, that amazing sensation of skin on skin. Jesus, it felt incredible.

“Still… a lot… of clothes,” Laura gasped as Carmilla’s mouth moved around her jaw, down her neck, and along her collarbone.

“So, you’re saying… you don’t want your clothes?” Carmilla teased as she reached up and gently palmed Laura’s breast, running a teasing thumb across her nipple. Laura only nodded as she moaned loudly at the new sensation.

Reaching down, she moved her hand along Laura’s ribcage, stopping just short of her hip, giving the smaller girl a gentle squeeze. Below her she felt Laura grinding into her thigh insistently, clearly wanting her to move faster. Dropping her hand down further she quickly undid the button on Laura’s jeans, tugging at the zipper and reaching her hand in, teasingly running it over Laura’s cotton panties, finding them already damp.

 _Oh fuck this,_ she thought, feeling her own patience waning. Reaching for the waistband of Laura’s jeans, she tugged, Laura, helping as she kicked the denim down her legs. What Carmilla didn’t expect was for Laura to immediately kick her panties off too and then reach for the button on Carmilla’s pants. Her overeager fingers couldn’t seem to connect through, causing Carmilla to smile down at the tiny girl. Wrapping her hands around Laura’s wrists, she gave them each a gentle squeeze, capturing Laura’s attention.

“Let me,” she said, leaning down to gently kiss her as she divested herself of the tight leather pants. She watched Laura’s eyes on her, gaze more intense than she’d ever seen as she kicked her pants towards the rest of their clothes and laid back down, holding herself just above Laura. The tiny brunette wrapped her arms around her neck, attempting to pull her closer but Carmilla resisted, moving her hand from Laura’s breastbone, down her torso, across her hips, and down her thigh.

“Carm,” she sighed, breathlessly. “ Please.”

Leaning down to capture the amazing lips below hers, she slowly ran her fingertips up the inside of Laura’s thigh, running her index finger along the seam between it and her hip, causing the other girl to buck. Unable to help herself, she smiled into the kiss for a moment before finally moving her hand just an inch to the left, feeling the copious amount of wetness already there and waiting. Gathering it on her fingertips, she found Laura’s clit, moving them just right against her.

 _Oh, holy fuck._ She wasn’t sure who moaned louder at the moment, her or Laura. Softly pulling back on Laura’s bottom lip, they separated, Carmilla staring down at the beautiful girl below her, watching as Laura’s gorgeous eyes fluttered open.

“You are so fucking beautiful, cupcake,” she said, pressing their foreheads together, her fingers still swirling against Laura’s clit, making the smaller girls hips buck into her. She felt Laura’s short nails digging into her shoulder blades, holding her close.

Kissing her softly once more before meeting her eyes again, she pulled away, smiling at the frustrated sigh Laura released.

“Just relax, cutie. I’ve got you,” she said, letting her lips trail down Laura’s neck, across her chest, and stopping briefly at her breast, taking a hard nipple into her mouth. Above her, Laura’s hand moved into her hair, tugging insistently as Carmilla lathed it with her tongue for a moment before moving to the other and giving it the same attention.

Laura’s breasts, she realized, were fucking fantastic and she probably could have spent hours doing this. She knew that wouldn’t fly with Laura though, especially with the heavy breathing she heard coming from above. Taking mercy on the girl, she moved further down, her mouth slowly making a trail down Laura’s stomach, biting gently at her hip bones before settling between Laura’s thighs.

She looked up, seeing Laura’s eager eyes staring back at her, biting her lip in anticipation. She had to admit that she was fairly impressed that Laura had been this patient so far. But there was no reason to prolong this. She wanted it just as much as Laura did. Reaching under and grabbing onto Laura’s cantering hips she leaned in and left a soft kiss just above where Laura wanted her the most before moving lower and swiping her tongue all the way up, ending at Laura’s clit, giving it a quick flick.

“Oh god, Carm…”

Carmilla just smiled, leaning in, wrapping her lips around Laura’s clit, her tongue going to work to slowly drive the girl towards her orgasm. And if the speed Laura’s hips were bucking at was any indication, this wouldn’t take long.

_Which is a damn shame because this girl is so fucking incredible._

Keeping the pace Laura seemed to be enjoying, she removed one of her hands from Laura’s hip, moving it down to the smaller girls entrance, teasing with just the tip of a finger before slowly sliding in. She looked up, watching Laura’s face for any sort of discomfort but the brunette only threw her head back further into the pillows, eyes closed, her face still awash in pleasure.

Carefully adding another finger and moving them in time with her tongue, she continued watching Laura above her, listening to her breathy sighs and moans growing louder and louder until finally, her entire body stiffened, back arching off the bed as her orgasm overtook her.

She felt Laura’s thighs attempting to close at the onslaught of the sensation, her fingers tugging at Carmilla’s hair, hips still undulating. She slowed her tongue, continuing to lap softly to get Laura though her orgasm. Finally feeling the girl below her jerking away as it became too much, she stopped, moving away and leaving a few soft kisses along Laura’s inner thighs before slowly crawling up the gorgeous, still heaving body below her.

“You still with me, cutie?”

Laura just swallowed hard and nodded, the groan coming from her chest not really in the form of any words. Carmilla chuckled softly, placing a sweet kiss at the corner of Laura’s mouth, her thumb tickling the other corner. She smiled once more down at the girl below her, still clearly in recovery mode, and moved to the side, keeping half of her body on top of Laura’s, pillowing her head on the tiny brunette’s shoulder.

 _So this is different. I’m actually glad she’s still here. I’m not counting down the minutes until I can kick her out,_ she thought, softly tracing unrecognizable patterns across Laura’s stomach. Laura jerked as she hit a particularly ticklish spot along her ribcage, the two giggling as she purposely did it once more before pulling Laura closer and leaving a kiss upon the girl's chest, just above her heart.

“Carm?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks for making us wait. It was so worth it.”

 _You’re worth it._ The thought came from nowhere, unbridled and completely terrifying. But she didn’t voice it. She’d deal with its origins later.

“You are very welcome, cupcake.”

“Although…”

_Oh shit. What now?_

“I wouldn’t say we’re completely done.” Carmilla felt Laura roll them over and looked up into her smiling face which was more beautiful than ever. “I think it’s your turn now.”

“Is that so?”

“Mm-hmm,” Laura hummed with a nod, biting her lip taking a moment to look down at Carmilla’s scantily clad body.

“Well, you do like to follow the rules,” she said with a smirk, leaning up to capture Laura’s lips.

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

Carmilla ran her hand across her face, sighing as the memory left her. That had been such an amazing night. They’d ended up holding each other afterward… and then going another round and then holding each other again.

When she woke up the next morning, holding Laura tight against her, she couldn’t help smiling down at the head resting on her chest, messy hair tickling her shoulder. It was a night of firsts: Laura’s first time, their first time together, the first time Carmilla had let a girl sleep over. She was the first one who Carmilla had actually wanted to wake up to.

She’d ended up drifting back off to sleep and when she woke up again, Laura was lying beside her, hair still tousled, eyes open, smiling wide. She had looked so beautiful at that moment.

She’d remember every inch of Laura’s face from that morning until the day she died. She rolled onto her side on the couch, catching sight of the picture of them from across the room. Arms wrapped around each other, smiling into a kiss. It was one of her favorites. Laura looked so incredibly happy and it was so spontaneous. It was perfect.

She smiled and sighed deeply as she felt her eyes get heavier and heavier. Finally giving in, she closed them, drifting off to dreams of her and Laura, happy and in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much!!!!! 
> 
> Honestly, super hard chapter to write because I have the hardest time writing the more... risque stuff. So if you didn't enjoy it, I do apologize but it is part of the story. 
> 
> Again, thank you all so much. I continue to be amazed by the interest in this story. 
> 
> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	12. I Miss You When You're Not Here And I Don't Know If I Have The Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you get when you mix a pinch of a Carmilla freakout, an ounce of domestic Hollstein, and a dash of angst? Why, you get the first Hollstein Christmas of course!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes in italics.

Carmilla sighed deeply, propping her feet up in front of her and sinking back further into the comfortable confines of the beige sofa, attempting to focus solely on the book in her hands and not on the tiny brunette standing in the doorway, anxiously dancing back and forth on the balls of her feet.

“Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, this is the first day we’ve both been off in a week.” Carmilla resigned herself to the fact this the conversation wasn’t over and looked up from her book, taking in the hopeful expression on Laura’s face.

Honestly, she was beyond disappointed. Laura was right, this was the first free time they’d both had in days. But she’d seen how excited Laura had been when Perry called earlier that morning to see if Laura wanted to have a day out, just the two of them. And she couldn’t blame her. Laura had really only been getting out lately to write and work on her articles. She’d gotten a little cabin fever-esque after being at home by herself for days and she deserved some time out with her friends. Or at least that’s what Carmilla was trying to convince herself of. She just obviously wasn’t doing the best job.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” she said, shrugging and turning back to the book in her hand, not taking in a single word on the page.

“That doesn’t even sound the slightest bit convincing,” Laura said, walking over and sitting on the other side of the couch. Carmilla chuckled at the teasing lilt in the brunette’s voice and looked up, seeing the adorable expression on her face and melting just the tiniest bit.

“Okay, yes, I’m a little put out that we’re not going to spend the day together, but… I do want you to go. You need to get out of the house and see your friends. I get that.”

“But you’re still going to pout about it?”

“Well, obviously,” she teased, sticking her nose back into the leather tome in her hands. Beside her Laura giggled, the sound making her feel a little lighter even as the disappointment continued to push down on her chest.

“I’ll be home tonight then,” Laura said, reaching over and gently squeezing at Carmilla’s wrist. She looked up, taking in the beautiful smile on Laura’s face, relishing in the feeling of her soft skin and had to physically restrain herself from moving into the other girl as she continued on in her cheerful tone. “And maybe we can watch one of those awful horror movies you’re so fond of to make up for my absence this afternoon.”

“Careful, creampuff. I’m going to hold you to that so don’t make promises you can’t keep. After all, you hate those movies.”

“I do. Ever since I secretly watched Halloween at one of my friends’ houses in fourth grade, they’ve just… ugh, they give me the heebie-jeebies. However, since you’re being so sweet and not at all pouty, I’m willing to make a concession this one time in order to make it up to you,” Laura said with a smile before adding, “Or at least I am as long as it’s not a super scary one. Or insanely gross. I can’t handle that.”

Carmilla simply smiled back at her, doing everything she could to keep herself from reaching out and kissing those gorgeous, babbling lips that she’d missed so much. She was saved from herself though when Laura turned towards her phone as it chimed with an incoming text.

“Alright, Perry’s here.” She looked back at Carmilla once more before getting up and moving to grab her jacket and bag that had been laid across the club chair on the other side of the room. “So, what’re you going to do today?”

“Probably the usual. Rob, pillage, torture innocent souls,” Carmilla said, turning the page in her book. “You know, just cause general mayhem.”

“Alright, well try not to get into too much trouble,” Laura said with a smile. “I’ll see you later.”

And with that, she was gone and Carmilla attempted to return to the story in her hands. After all, she really didn’t have anything else to do now. But… _dammit._

The house was so quiet. Unnervingly quiet. She’d gotten so used to Laura’s constant noise in the background over the years, but now… Even though things had gotten a little more comfortable between the two of them over the last two weeks, any sound Laura made now was definitely fainter than before and much less frequent. Carmilla wasn’t sure if she was just trying to be more conscious of her noise level or if something was actually different. And that second thought was terrifying.

The distinct lack of clatters, clamors, and constant prattle was actually driving her insane, but what was worse than that was the quiet nights. Every time she laid down and closed her eyes, the silence was overwhelming, feeling like it was slowly suffocating her. Sure there was still the mild muffle of traffic on the streets below and the neighbor’s television was just the tiniest bit audible through the living room wall. Usually, it was tuned to an infomercial about hair regrowth or some new wonderful kitchen contraption that would cook out all the fat of even the unhealthiest of foods. And the soft hum of the refrigerator from the other room could always be heard as it kicked on and off every few minutes from the kitchen. Yes, all of these things added up to noise, obviously. But the quiet grating her nerves in the dark came from the lack of something else, or more accurately the lack of someone else.

Not only had she grown used to the constant din that seemed to follow Laura everywhere she went, but she’d also grown so accustomed to Laura’s presence by her side at night that it was deafening now that it wasn’t there. Sure, they’d spent nights apart over the years when work demanded it or during trips to see family when the other couldn’t come. Or on the very rare occasion when a stubborn fight would push one of them out of the bed for the night. But this was different. She desperately missed the soft sound of Laura’s breathing, the contented hums she sometimes made mid-dream, the quiet sighs she would release when Carmilla wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close.

Pulling her thoughts away from the lonely nights she’d been experiencing, she looked around the room, feeling not just the silence pressing down on her anymore. No, there was something else grating in the pit of her stomach now.

When they’d first moved in, Laura had taken over decorative duty in their new place. Granted they’d already had furniture, pictures and all the other possessions they’d accumulated over the years. But Laura had put the house together, deciding where to put each and every item so that it was just perfect. The tiny brunette had asked for her input, and of course, Carmilla would weigh in on the little things every now and then, just to make the other girl smile. Honestly, more than deciding together on which color curtains would best fit the bedroom, Carmilla took more pleasure in watching an excited Laura make this their home, putting together everything just right. Now of course, everywhere she looked was the memory of Laura… her Laura, the one that knew her, remembered her… loved her.

 _Calm down,_ Carmilla chastised herself, feeling her entire body tensing more and more as the seconds ticked by. She took a deep breath, attempting to relax and closed her eyes, slowly counting down and trying to focus on herself and not on everything surrounding her. It didn’t work. _Shit._

She’d spun out. This was no longer just missing Laura, missing the little things about her and how they fit together so perfectly. And this was something more than just wondering if Laura was different.

No, this was something else intermingled with the similarity of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Here she was, back to being unsure about what their future would bring and if Laura would ever feel the same way about her as she did about the tiny brunette. She’d been here before. Years and years ago but she never forgot this awful feeling. The problem was, she was now dealing with a Laura that wasn’t crazy about her. This Laura looked at her sometimes confused, sometimes scared, sometimes curious. And behind all of that, that utterly in love look was gone. It was breaking her heart and she didn’t know how to fix it.

What would she do if Laura never regained her memory? What if days, weeks, months from now the woman she loved gave up and she lost her forever? The longer this went on, the worse it would get. Eventually, Laura would have no use for her and then what? Sure, they hadn’t talked about it in depth but she’d told Laura that she wasn’t giving up. But what if Laura didn’t fully understand that? What if Laura just thought she was talking about their newly forming friendship? What if one day, Laura decided she wanted to move on because she simply didn’t love Carmilla? It would crush her.

She hated how familiar this was, waiting for the pain to rip her to shreds. It may not have come all those years ago but how many times could she get lucky and dodge a bombing of emotional shrapnel? Eventually, she’d run out of chances. Maybe this time would be it.

She felt the burning sensation behind her eyes and squeezed them closed, digging her nails into her palms to stop the stupid emotions surrounding her heart. Crying would do her no good. Neither would sitting there, thinking about it in a room surrounded by memories of Laura. She had to get out of there and she had to go now.

Standing quickly, she strode out of the living room, not caring to pick up the book that had fallen from her lap, grabbed a jacket and her keys and stormed out of the house, not knowing where she was going but not really caring either as long as it meant it wouldn’t hurt.

* * *

Carmilla made it to the door, attempting to balance the box of macaroons and the box of eclairs from the bakery next door, as she’d be unable to decide on which to get, and shuffled the keys in her hand, trying to find the one to unlock the door.

It had been one hell of a day. After leaving the house earlier she’d ended up taking her bike out, speeding through and out of Silas, hitting any road that lead somewhere that didn’t remind her of Laura or the two of them together. She’d ended up near the water about an hour south of the city, at a spot she hadn't been to in years. She’d actually been a frequent visitor to this little cove before Laura came into her life. She’d come here and read or draw or sometimes just sit and breathe and just be. It was always so quiet, the peace calming her as she listened to the rippling water trickling near the coast and the larger waves splashing in the distance.

She ended up spending most of the day there, staring out at nothing, attempting to clear her mind. She couldn’t keep thinking about what if this or what if that. Laura was Laura. She was still the bumbling, sweet, stubborn girl that had stolen her heart all those years ago. It didn’t matter if she was a little quieter. Or if she put her left shoe on first instead of her right. Or if she suddenly decided that dark chocolate was now superior to milk chocolate. Deep down, she was still the same person. And even if that person didn’t feel the same way about Carmilla as she had a month ago, her worrying over all these little issues wasn’t going to make it better. She was just going to have to be more patient. She was going to have to try and take her time. Let Laura come to her maybe.

_But what if she never does?_

_No! You can’t think like that._

_But what if she decides she’d rather just be friends?_

_Shut up!_

_But what if she falls in love with someone else because you aren’t good enough?_

_Fuck!_

Sitting there on the rocks, watching the water, her mind internally warring with itself was exhausting. But anytime all those stupid doubts came crashing down, she’d get up and move to another spot to quiet them, still staring out at nothing the whole time. She’d had to move every few minutes when she first got here but had been sitting in the same spot for a little over an hour, enjoying the last of the sunset by the time she left. She probably could’ve stayed there all night but that definitely wasn’t going to solve anything.

She’d ended up calling Mattie before starting up her bike again, talking to her sister for a few minutes and receiving some uplifting news before heading back home. She hadn’t really talked to either of her siblings since she’d told them about Laura’s amnesia. Not that they were avoiding her. She still got those checking in texts every now and then but they knew her. They knew she needed to wrap her head around this and that if and when she needed something, she’d come to them. Today, she honestly just needed to hear Mattie’s voice. She just needed to hear something that hadn’t changed and thankfully, it had only calmed her further before she headed back towards Silas, only making one stop before going home.

Finally getting the key into the lock, she turned it and managed to get through the door without dropping anything. Kicking the door closed behind her, she turned and quirked an eyebrow at the sight in front of her. Laura stood in the kitchen, standing over the stove, the delicious scent of French toast potatoes lingering in the air.

“What are you up to, Hollis?”

Laura turned, taking in Carmilla standing near the door and beamed widely.

“Hey! You’re here! And just in time too. I was starting to worry I was going to have to eat all of this by myself.”

Carmilla smiled softly at the familiarity of the moment, finding it gave her some peace after the awful day she’d had. She walked further into the house, setting the boxes of pastries in hand on the counter before stepping around the island and peering over Laura’s shoulder. This was the moment she’d typically wrap her arms around Laura’s middle, holding her close and leaving slow, teasing kisses along the column of her neck. But she refrained, settling for just standing to the side, leaning against the counter near the stove as she watched Laura carefully flipping the pieces of cinnamon bread in the pan atop it, making sure they didn’t burn.

“Seriously, what is all this? I didn’t even expect you to be home until late. Figured you’d stay with the ginger muppets as long as you could to avoid tonight’s screening of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

“Ugh, seriously? That’s what you picked?” Laura cringed, her face scrunching up in distaste. “I’m going to have nightmares for a week.”

“Hey, you put the offer on the table,” Carmilla said with a smirk, enjoying the sight of a squirming Laura. “But seriously, how come you’re home so early?”

“Well, I just thought that maybe I could make us something tonight… just to kind of pitch in, you know?” Laura said, smiling softly and shrugging.

“Well, thanks.” Carmilla watched as Laura went back to work, her full attention focused on the feast in front of her. Moving to one of the stools at the island so as to give Laura some room, she sat and watched, taking note of each movement Laura made, searching intently for anything out of the ordinary.

She still bobbed her head from side to side as she considered her next move in the meal. She still angled her foot back and tapped at the floor below her with her toe as she waited impatiently for the items to cook. She still chewed nervously at her thumbnail as she worried over making multiple things at once without burning them. She still did everything Laura would do. Nothing seemed out of place at the moment.

Carmilla sighed in defeat. Maybe she’d overreacted earlier, breaking down like that. Maybe she was trying to find something different or wrong just to make it easier to deal with the fact that so much had changed.

“So where’d you go today? You do anything fun?” She watched as Laura halfway turned towards her, spatula in hand, smiling sweetly, breaking her out of her thoughts.

“Oh, no not really. I um… I just took my bike out for a bit. It’ll be time to retire it for the season soon so…”

“Oh, yeah, I actually forgot you even have it.” Carmilla watched as Laura turned back towards the stove, seeming to consider something for a moment before looking over her shoulder and continuing. “Do you think… do you think maybe you could take me out for a ride?”

Carmilla froze, her mind running a mile a minute in every different direction it could. What if Laura got hurt again? What if she was the reason she got hurt? But what if it would really make Laura happy? What if it was a way for them to get closer?

“I mean, maybe just a quick one? Like, before it gets too cold…” Laura must’ve seen the apprehension on her face and she attempted to erase it, unsuccessfully of course if Laura’s disappointed expression was anything to go by.

“Maybe,” she forced out, not wanting to agree but hating the hurt look the tiny brunette was sporting. “If we get another really nice day and we’re both free…” It was enough apparently as it earned her a small smile before Laura turned away and started plating the food from the stove. She smiled her thanks as Laura sat a loaded plate in front of her, enthusiastically grabbing her fork.

“Thanks again for making dinner. I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving,” Carmilla said with a smile as she took a bite of the toasted syrupy bread in front of her and moaned in delight. “Oh… this is damn good, kid.”

“Thanks,” Laura said, smiling happily back at her and taking the seat next to her.

“So, something did happen today that I need to talk to you about.” Carmilla turned on her stool, noting she had Laura’s rapt attention. “I um… I talked to Mattie. Her and Will are actually coming for a quick visit in a couple of days. I know it’s short notice but…” Carmilla trailed off. How did she explain to Laura that her siblings wanted to come check on her and make sure everything was okay?

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Mattie’s in New York right now anyway and I guess she and Will have a few days to spare before she goes back to Paris and his next case starts, so they want to come see us…” _Shit!_ “I mean, they want to come visit and catch up. With me. Don’t feel like you have to… do anything or… even meet them.” _Meet them? Ugh, Jesus, she met them years ago!_

“Did you… did you not want me to?” She looked up, taking in the curious expression on Laura’s face, unsure which answer would be the best at that moment.

“That wasn’t what I was saying, Laura. I just… I don’t want you to feel like you have to or that you need to do anything special while they’re here. They’ve booked a couple of rooms at the Waterfront so they won’t be crashing here or anything like that. And… if you’re not okay or comfortable with it, I won’t invite them here to the house to visit or anything like that. I’ll go out to meet them or just go to the hotel. I can even probably just crash with Mattie while they’re here if that’s what’s best.”

“No!” Carmilla was startled by the loud, vehement refusal. Laura shook her head and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just yell like that. I just… don’t stay at the hotel. Please. I… ugh crap, Carm.” She turned fully on her stool towards Carmilla, her face anxious. “This is your home too. I’m not going to kick you out of it because your family is coming to visit. And… thank you for giving me the option. It’s really sweet of you. I’d… I think I’d like to meet them again. If that’s okay?”

“It’s definitely okay,” Carmilla said, feeling her heart skip a beat at the moment and hating the fact that she’d immediately gotten her hopes up. “I just didn’t want you to think I expected you to or that I was forcing an issue here.”

“No, not at all. I mean thank you for being so considerate but… I’m okay. Maybe it’ll good for me… meeting some more people who I can’t remember. Maybe it’ll help… with remembering you since you’re all connected.”  

“Sure, whatever you want,” she said, smiling encouragingly and changing the subject before she got too hopeful. “So how’d your day with Betty Crocker go?”

“It was good. We went to brunch and then over to the farmers market. And then we just kind of walked around downtown. You know they’re already putting up Christmas stuff? The leaves aren’t even completely off the trees yet!”

“It comes earlier and earlier every year,” Carmilla said, shrugging and taking another bite. “You usually aren’t one to complain though.”

“Well, I do love Christmas.”

“Yeah, I figured that out a long time ago, cupcake.”

“Speaking of Christmas, I um… I actually picked something up today.” Carmilla turned, mouth still full of bread and bacon, taking in the suddenly nervous expression on Laura’s face and the fact that she had yet to touch the food in front of her.

“Okay…?”

Laura bowed her head, letting part of her hair curtain her face as she stood from her stool and moved towards the kitchen table, carefully sorting through a few small bags sitting there. Finally finding what she was looking for, she turned and slowly walked back to her seat. Carmilla looked down at the small, nondescript box in Laura’s hand, her own curiosity mounting.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I just… I saw this today and I thought… you might like it.” Laura anxiously glanced up and carefully handed the small box over.

_She got me a gift?_

Carmilla carefully fingered the small package for a moment before removing the lid and smiling immediately at what she saw.

“Laura, this is beautiful,” she said, pulling the small, glass ornament out of the box. It was flat and square in shape, depicting a beautiful snow-covered scene, the painting immediately recognizable as Monet. “Snow Scene at Argenteuil. Seriously this is great.”

“I just saw it and thought of you. Do you… do you like it?”

“I love it, Laura. This is…” _Something the old Laura would d- Shut up brain!_ “This is very sweet of you. Thank you.”

Laura’s nervous expression immediately vanished into a beaming smile, shimmying on her stool.

“Good. I was worried that maybe you would’ve already had it or something similar. Or maybe… I don’t know. I’m just glad you like it.”

“I believe I said love,” Carmilla corrected, wondering what the maybe Laura had mentioned really was but decided to let it go at the moment. She paused for a moment, setting the ornament back into its box and placing it on the counter. “You know, most of our ornaments are yours or you picked them out.”

“I don’t give you a say in the decorations or you don’t want one?” Laura teased, finally picking her fork up and preparing to dig into her quickly cooling dinner.

“It’s not that simple. I just don’t really get that into the holidays. I mean, the only reason I even like Christmas is because…” She trailed off, stopping herself just in time.

 _Do NOT say that. Jesus! Do_ **you** _have foot-in-mouth Hollis disease now?_

“Is because why?”

“Nothing. It’s… it’s not important,” Carmilla said, looking away and shaking her head. “You know, this reminds me of our first Christmas together. I gave you something similar. I don’t think it’s as beautiful as this but…”

“I’m sure it was amazing and that I loved it.” Laura stared at her for a moment before reaching over and squeezing the dark haired girls wrist. “Hey…” Carmilla turned back to her, their eyes meeting. “Tell me about our first Christmas?”

* * *

  ** _Six Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

“How’s Toronto, cutie?”

“It’s good. I’m having a blast with my dad. We made a gingerbread house this afternoon… and then ate the whole thing before dinner.” Laura smiled when she heard Carmilla chuckle softly.

“That sounds about right.”

“Yeah… it was delicious and I regret nothing,” Laura laughed. “How’re you?”

“I’m fine. Nothing new going on since you left.”

“Is work busy?” Laura listened to the mild commotion mixed in with soft music on the other end. “I don’t want to keep you if you’ve got stuff to do.”

“No, you’re fine, cupcake. It’s not that bad tonight. Just the usual suspects. Everyone’s got a full glass right now so I have a few minutes.”

“I hate that you have to work tonight. I mean, it’s Christmas eve!”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I have other plans,” Carmilla said with a chuckle and Laura instantly felt awful, hating the fact that the other girl was alone for the holiday. She should’ve asked Carmilla to come with her to Toronto. But would that have been weird?

_I mean, we haven’t been together that long and meeting the parents… oh no! No, no, no. Bad idea, Hollis._

“Plus, the tips are always good around the holidays and… well, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”

Laura knew what Carmilla had been about to say. She knew Carmilla had been picking up as many extra shifts as she could, needing the money.

“Right, sure. Well, have you heard from Mattie or Will? Or your mother?”

“Mattie and Will both sent me something. Mattie put together this awesome leather vest and Will sent me this incredible new camera. It’s amazing. I’m starting to feel absolutely horrible about my gifts for them.”

“But you got Mattie that gorgeous locket. And I’m sure Will loved the scotch you sent him.”

“The locket is older than fuck and the last thing Will needs is more booze,” Carmilla said with a chuckle.

“They were still really thoughtful gifts, Carm.” She paused for a moment, debating on whether or not she should continue with the line of questioning on family and gifts. “What about your mother? Did you hear from her at all?” Apparently, her mouth made the decision while her brain was still debating.

“Radio silence.”

“Well, maybe she’ll call tomorrow,” Laura suggested, desperate for anything to keep her mouth shut and not continue with this topic.

“Maybe.”

Laura felt her heart aching once more for her girlfriend. Carmilla may have been good at projecting that none of the stuff with her mother bothered her but Laura knew there was more to the story. She knew there was something Carmilla hadn’t told her yet.

“Laura, sweetheart, are you ready?” Laura turned towards the sound of Sherman’s voice at the foot of the stairs, effectively aborting her plan on further questioning Carmilla.

“Shoot, Carm I have to go, we have that Christmas Eve party at the neighbors.”

“Yeah, okay. Well, have fun.”

“You’ll still be working probably when we get back but… well, can we talk tomorrow?”

“Laura, I think we’ve reached the point in our relationship where you don’t have to ask stuff like that. I mean, the title of girlfriend gives you some perks, like not having to ask if it’s okay to call me,” Carmilla teased.

“Alright, well, I **will** talk to you tomorrow then,” she said with a smile.

“Alright, goodnight, cupcake.”

Laura stared down at her phone after the call had ended, hating how much she missed Carmilla. After all, it had only been three days since they’d last seen each other. And she was due to fly back to Silas the day after New Year’s. That wasn’t so terribly long, right? So why the hell did it feel like torture right now?

“Laura?” Sherman once again pulled her from her thoughts. Pocketing her phone, she grabbed her jacket and quickly made her way down the stairs towards her smiling dad.

* * *

  ** _Nine Days Later_ **

Laura bounded up the staircase, tripping at least three times before she got to Carmilla’s floor, smiling cheerfully over the load she was hauling in her arms.

“Jesus, Hollis, it sounds like a herd of elephants out here,” Carmilla teased from her doorway where she stood, apparently waiting for her.

“It does not, I just… well, your stairs are slippery from other people dragging snow in and I almost fell.”

“Well, maybe if you weren't in such a hurry. Didn’t your dad ever teach you not to run in the house?” Carmilla teased as Laura finally reached the door and walked past her, sticking her tongue out for good measure. “Now, I know he taught you not to do that,” Carmilla said with a chuckle as she closed the door behind them.

Laura dropped her bag and the rest of her things onto Carmilla’s threadbare couch and turned, quickly wrapping her arms around the dark haired girls neck and capturing her lips in a scorching kiss. She felt Carmilla’s lips smiling against her own and attempted to pull her closer. God, she’d missed this girl. Two weeks apart was far too long and not something she was eager to repeat any time soon.

Pulling away a moment later to catch her breath, she leaned her forehead against Carmilla’s and opened her eyes, immediately meeting Carmilla’s darkened gaze.

“I missed you, Carm. So much.”

“I missed you too, cutie. Fuck, I didn’t realize just how much though until right now.”

“Oh really?” Laura teased, sliding her hands down Carmilla’s shoulders and arms, reaching for her hips and squeezing once before moving her hands up under the loose black shirt she wore. “Because I’d be happy to remind you of why you should’ve been missing me like crazy this whole time.”

She felt Carmilla shudder against her as she slowly moved her hands up further along her rib cage, meeting the lacy material of Carmilla’s bra a split second later, letting her fingers tease just under the edge. She watched Carmilla blink once, slowly, her breathing becoming shallower by the minute.

“Did you um… did you have plans for us tonight?”

Laura just shook her head, smiling at the sight of the girl in front of her who had so quickly lost her signature cool. _Looks like I’ve got the upper hand tonight._

“Good.” Their lips met again at a feverish pace and she felt Carmilla’s hands move from her hips, grabbing onto the backs of her thighs and quickly hoisting her up. Wrapping herself tighter around the dark haired girl, she felt them take just a few steps before she was unceremoniously tossed onto the bed, Carmilla quickly following her down.

* * *

Taking in the colorful lights once more, she smiled harder and felt that squeeze in her chest that had been coming and going more frequently as of late.

“I can’t believe you got a tree!” Laura squealed, dancing in her seat on the counter. “You are the sweetest!”

“Well, I just didn’t want you to be all sad if we had Christmas here without a tree,” Carmilla said with a shrug, focusing on making sure the cocoa in front of her was hot enough.

But Laura knew it was more than that.

She’d noticed the pathetic excuse of a Christmas tree, lit up with a few strands of lights and zero ornaments soon after they’d finally collapsed, breathless, sweaty and thoroughly sated about half an hour earlier. She’d been staring at Carmilla, who lay on her back, still panting, eyes closed, hair a mess from Laura’s insistent tugging, and utterly beautiful when out of the corner of her eye, some multicolored lights caught her attention. The little tree could definitely give the one in Charlie Brown a run for its money. But knowing that Carmilla got it for her, to make her happy… well, it made it the most beautiful tree she’d ever seen.

Carmilla of course had shrugged off her thanks, claiming it wasn’t a big deal as she’d thrown on an old Garbage t-shirt and a pair of sinfully small shorts before moving towards her two burner stove to make them each a cup of hot chocolate. Laura had slipped on the red flannel button up she saw near the hamper, relishing in the fact that it still smelled like Carmilla before following, hoisting herself up onto the counter and watching as Carmilla worked.

“I’m not going to let you just shrug this off, Carm,” she teased a few moments later. “You did something incredibly thoughtful and you did it for me and I **love** it.” Carmilla just shook her head, a bashful smile creeping onto her lips as she finished the cocoa and handed a mug to Laura before walking back towards the bed and plopping down heavily in the middle.

Laura watched from her spot on the counter, kicking her feet back and forth and still smiling that smitten smile for another minute before Carmilla finally looked up, shooting her a mock glare.

“If you don’t knock it off, there won’t be presents,” she threatened.

“Oooh, that’s right, we still have to open presents,” Laura squealed excitedly, hopping off the counter and making her way towards the haul she’d brought in with her. Grabbing the bag of everything she’d gotten for Carmilla she turned and made her way back towards the bed, plopping down so that they sat knee to knee. Carmilla looked at the bag, her amused smile falling from her face almost immediately. “Hey, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“I um… I didn’t know that we were getting each other like… a lot of gifts,” she said quietly, still staring at the bag next to Laura.

“Oh, well no, not a lot.” Laura quickly took the four haphazardly wrapped packages out, setting three of them next to her knee and handing the last to Carmilla before tossing the bag off the bed. “See? Not a lot.”

Carmilla just swallowed and got up, slowly walking over to the tree and picking up the one small, expertly wrapped box that lay underneath it. She came back to the bed, sitting down gently and handing it to Laura.

“It’s not much,” she said, finally looking up to meet Laura’s gaze. Laura just smiled and nodded towards the package in Carmilla’s hand, watching as she carefully tore the paper off.

“Laura, these are perfect,” she said, a moment later, smiling down at the three new additions to her vinyl collection.

Laura watched as Carmilla looked them over before moving on to the next package, the dark haired girls smile growing further with each gift she opened: a new drawing pad, complete with fresh charcoal sticks, a leather-bound copy of Wuthering Heights, and a new set of thick leather wristbands.

“Hopefully they’ll go with that new vest Mattie sent you,” she said with a smile.

“Cupcake, seriously, I love it. All of it.” Carmilla stared at the gifts in front of her for a moment before looking up and smiling softly at Laura. “Thank you. But you know, you didn’t have to do all of this.”

“I wanted to,” Laura said, smiling back and finally starting to frantically rip the wrapping paper from the box in her hands, much to Carmilla’s amusement.

She opened the box, smiling as she pulled out a new gray toque, instantly plopping it on her head and smiling up at Carmilla.

“It suits you, Hollis.”

“It’s awesome, thank you,” she said, going to toss the box to the side before Carmilla grabbed at it in a panic.

“Don’t!” Laura stared at her confused for a moment. “Sorry, it’s just, there’s something in the bottom and I don’t want you to break it. The hat, while a gift, was mainly just for cushioning.”

“Oh, sorry I didn’t…” She trailed off as she looked into the bottom of the box, her smile vanishing and her jaw dropping slightly. She reached inside, gently fingering the round ornament there, trying to take in every detail she could. “Carm… this is amazing. How did you…”

“Well, I know it’s a Christmas ornament but I thought you could maybe keep it up year round. If you wanted to, that is. You could even put it up next to the picture in your room. If that’s what you wanted to do. You don’t have to.”

The picture in her room was of her and her dad, fishing at the lake near his house in Toronto when she was five. In the photo, Laura had one on her pole and was giggling uncontrollably as Sherman knelt next to her, smiling at her and holding the line to keep her from dropping it. It was one of her favorite pictures of the two of them, one that she always kept in sight wherever she was because it reminded her of home and made her happier than she could explain. Somehow Carmilla had made it an even better memory now as she looked at the ornament in hand, the picture painted upon it so beautifully and perfect.

“Cupcake, you okay?” She looked up, feeling her eyes starting to water.

“Carm, this is so amazing. How did you do this?”

“Well, I know you love that photo. So I snapped a picture of it on my phone one night when you were in the kitchen. I was going to just make it a regular drawing for you but then I thought, you love Christmas, maybe an ornament would be better. So I found a plain one and just painted it on.”

Laura didn’t even say anything. She carefully placed the glass ball back into the box and scampered forward, wrapping herself entirely around Carmilla and meeting their lips in a grateful kiss.

“I love it. So much, it’s incredible,” she said as they pulled apart a moment later, keeping her arms and legs wrapped around the dark haired girl. “Thank you so much, Carm.”

“I’m glad you like it. I was worried it was… maybe it was a dumb idea.”

“It wasn’t. It’s perfect.” She leaned her forehead against Carmilla’s, moving further into her lap. “Merry Christmas, Carm.”

Carmilla just smiled, squeezing her closer.

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

“That’s… I…”

Carmilla looked over, taking in the surprised expression on Laura’s face, worrying something was seriously wrong when she just kept opening and closing her mouth.

“Laura? Hey, what it is? What’s wrong?”

“That ornament…” She trailed off once more for a moment, sniffling as tears sprang to her eyes. “I remember that ornament. It hung on a little hook next to that picture all year long in that apartment I shared with LaF and Perry. I… I loved them both so much and… I remember it… I mean…”

She trailed off again, apparently at a complete loss of what to say and for the first time in almost a month, Carmilla didn’t even think. She just reached over and put an arm around Laura’s shoulders, pulling the smaller girl into her side, happy when Laura didn’t even attempt to fight the offer of comfort and instead, laid her head on Carmilla’s shoulder. A moment later she felt Laura turn towards her on her stool and wrap her arms around her torso.

Nothing was said between the two of them, but Carmilla didn’t need to hear what Laura’s was thinking or feeling. Holding her close, she already knew. Right then and there, this was her Laura, wide open and raw, seeking the comfort that only Carmilla could provide. And as amazing as that felt, she absolutely hated the hurt Laura felt in that moment. She hated the sting and wanted nothing more than to destroy it.

Taking a deep breath, she rose off her stool and pulled the smaller girl closer, running a soothing hand along her spine and murmuring soft words of comfort into her hair for a few more minutes before letting the silence overtake them again.

Maybe they’d find their way back to one another. Maybe they wouldn’t. But Carmilla wasn’t willing to give up. She’d learned a long time ago that she would always fight for Laura. And that Laura would always fight for her. They may not have always had it easy and they might not have always gotten what they wanted. But one way or another, they always had each other. Now was not the time to question that. Now was not the time to bow out. No, now was the time to battle. Win or lose, she’d go down swinging for this amazing girl. It wasn’t going to be easy, but then again, when had she ever taken the easy road?

“Carm?” She was pulled out of her own head by the tiny voice buried in her neck.

“Hmm?”

“What’s the only reason you like Christmas?”

Carmilla sighed, taking in their reflection from the mirror across the room, Laura so small in her arms, holding onto her so tight, and felt herself melt.

“It’s because you love it. You literally light up with joy and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

_Please don’t freak out. Please don’t freak out. Please don’t freak out._

“What makes you light up with joy?”

She pondered the question for a moment, even though she already knew the answer. If she was going to do this, she was going to have to go all in. There couldn’t be any holding back or second guessing. She was going to have to be one hundred percent honest, terrifying as that may be.

“You,” she finally said, softly. “It’s all you, Laura.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of really like this chapter.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	13. Just Hold Me Tight And Tell Me You’ll Miss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one were Mattie and Will arrive, Laura starts to questions what she's feeling and Hollstein has an adorable Hollstein moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

Laura attempted to gracefully wrestle the keys out of her pocket with her good hand and not drop her laptop or the few bags of groceries, full of absolutely nothing healthy, that she’d picked up on her way home. She was a mess, that much she knew. She’d caught a glimpse of herself on the way out of the market and had immediately deflated. Messy ponytail, raggedy worn jeans and the torn Johnny Cash t-shirt she’d grabbed in her hurry, that she was pretty sure was Carmilla’s, did not scream posh or put together. If only she’d gone home earlier like she’d planned to and hadn’t gotten caught up in all that cross-referencing for her upcoming article.

 _You could’ve at least thought ahead this morning and prepared for the possibility that you would be late and maybe picked out a decent outfit._ Maybe she could sneak into the bedroom with her jacket on and quickly change. But what difference would that make? Her hair was still a mess, she hadn’t bothered with makeup and she was pretty sure there was still some Oreo lodged in her teeth from her mid-afternoon snack. _What a great way to make a first impression. Even if it technically isn’t._

Shaking her head in frustration she finally latched onto her key ring and opened the door to quietly let herself in.

“Well well well. If it isn’t the little ingenue that could.” The smooth, confident voice behind her caught her off guard and she immediately felt herself tense even further at the moment. She turned as the door closed, taking in the sight of Carmilla sitting at the kitchen table, smiling softly at her along with two other beautiful faces that she definitely did not recognize.

“Hey, I was starting to think you were going to ditch me and leave me alone with these two hoodlums for the night,” Carmilla said as she got up from her seat and quickly moved towards Laura to take the bags in hand from her.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I um, got sidetracked with some research. I didn’t mean to hold you guys up.”

“Nonsense, we were just giving Carm here a hard time about the fact that she hasn’t come to visit in far too long.”

“Well, it’s not like it’s a simple train ride away, Matska,” Carmilla argued, sending a teasing wink Laura’s way. The tiny brunette bashfully smiled back as she set her laptop bag down and pulled off her jacket, realizing a moment too late she should’ve kept it on. “Is that my shirt?”

“Oh um… I think so. I’m sorry. I was running out of the house this morning because I was late meeting Danny and LaF, and I just grabbed something from the left side of the dresser. I didn’t even realize until I was already at Café Au Lait that it was probably yours.”

“It’s not a big deal, cupcake.” She felt Carmilla’s soft hand reaching for hers and looked down, watching their fingers interlace and swallowed hard.

There had been a lot more touching over the last week, ever since the night she’d desperately grabbed onto Carmilla and clung to her, tears in her eyes as the memory of the Christmas ornament flooded her brain. Or at least, a lot more touching on Carmilla’s part. They’d be watching television and she would reach over and gently run her fingertips along Laura’s arm or the back of her hand. They’d be eating dinner at the kitchen island and the dark haired girl would gently squeeze her knee and smile. They’d even gone out and walked around the neighborhood the day before and Carmilla had grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers without any hesitance.

Laura, on the other hand, had found herself avoiding the initiation of any obviously loving or intimate touches. There was nothing wrong with an accidental shoulder brush when they sat next to one another or a quick wrist squeeze every now and then. But beyond that, she found herself pausing.

She initially had felt a little lighter after the minor breakdown a week ago. She’d gone to bed that night feeling more secure in the knowledge that Carmilla wasn’t just going to up and bail on her and had fallen asleep with a small smile on her face. But when she’d woken up, the new day had her feeling confused and hesitant. How was she supposed to reciprocate unconditional feelings of love for someone who she still didn’t technically fully know? Someone who’d been in love with her for years? Someone who was willing to give up literally anything and everything for her? Carmilla had come right out and said it; she was all in.

And sure, she liked Carmilla. But she also liked LaF. She liked Perry. Hell, she liked Kirsch. They’d formed a great friendship. And she felt like maybe she’d formed that with Carmilla too.

 _Okay, maybe it’s not quite the same. There may be something more there with Carm. I mean, there’s definitely the attraction. And I do like spending more time with her than with my other friends. And she’s really sweet and good to me. But so what?_ That didn’t mean she was ready to jump headfirst back into a relationship that she still couldn’t remember and still had so many questions about. And as the days went on, it just seemed like that’s what everyone was expecting her to do. LaF and Perry had used the phrase ‘double date’ earlier in the week, Kirsch and Mel had asked what they were planning for their upcoming anniversary when they’d stopped by two days earlier with pizza and beer, and even Danny had been teasing her that very morning, asking if she was late because Carmilla had her ‘tied to the bed.’

And as for Carmilla, well she seemed to be the one putting the least amount of pressure on Laura. Outside of the touching here and there, the dark-haired girl had still been nothing but sweet and respectful. Even though she’d been very upfront about her feelings towards Laura, she hadn’t pressed any further or pushed for more. It seemed her goal was simply to be there for Laura and to be a good friend, which Laura desperately needed at this point.

She felt Carmilla gently squeeze her hand and steer her towards the kitchen table, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“So… Laura this is Mattie and Will.”

She could hear what sounded like hesitance in Carmilla’s voice and felt her shoulders slump in disappointment. _This has to be so awkward for her._ But then again, it was uncomfortable for Laura too. After all, she’d already done this, years ago. Right???

 _Not even a hint of familiar,_ she thought, looking at the two sitting so prim and proper at the kitchen table, Mattie with her flawless dark skin and full smile, looking like she’d just stepped off a runway in Milan and not a six-hour flight in her high waisted dress and heels. And Will, looking like a typical model for GQ in his neatly pressed suit, hair the perfect look of purposely messy and the hint of three-day stubble on his chin. _Dammit. Nothing._

“Nice to um… meet you both,” she stuttered, feeling the weight of their stares in the pit of her stomach.

“So formal,” Mattie said with a teasing smirk. Laura stumbled back a little as Mattie gracefully rose from her chair and stepped towards her, bopping her on the nose once with her index finger before pulling the smaller girl in for a brief hug. The tiny brunette halfheartedly hugged back with one arm and unconsciously squeezed Carmilla’s hand tighter with the other.

“It is good to see you, scrapper,” Will said, grinning over the rim of his coffee mug from the other side of the table after Mattie had sat back down.

“Um, yeah… thanks.” Jesus, maybe she should’ve declined this little meet and greet. She felt Carmilla gently squeeze her hand again and she turned towards the dark-haired girl, taking in the concern in her eyes.

“You okay?” she asked quietly. Laura just nodded, sending her a quick smile, hoping that would be enough before removing her hand, wiping her sweaty palm on her thigh.

“Again, I’m sorry I’m late. Let me just put this stuff away,” she said, motioning towards the bags on the counter, “and let you guys catch up.”

“I can do it,” Carmilla eagerly jumped in.

“No, it’s fine. Visit with Mattie and Will. I’ll take care of it.” She turned away, moving towards the cupboards to put everything in its place, hoping that would let her off the hook and the siblings could continue on with whatever they were doing before she got there. _Then maybe I can sneak into the bedroom and barricade myself in there until the night’s over. I still have those maple shortbread cookies in my laptop bag. That’ll be enough for dinner and I can save myself from any further embarrassment._

“So how’s the writing coming along, Nellie Bligh?”

“Oh, um… it’s fine, I guess,” she stumbled. Apparently, she wasn’t going to get out of this that easily.

“More than fine I’d say. I keep seeing your articles in The New York Times, The Tribune and Kitty here was just boasting that you’ve picked up an article for The Independent,” Will chimed in.

_She was bragging about me?_

Laura looked over her shoulder, noticing Carmilla still standing near the island, her eyebrows still knit together in obvious concern. She smiled softly as she put away the package of marshmallows in her hand and turned towards the trio.

“Yeah, they’d asked me a few months ago to write a few pieces for them but I was just too swamped at the time. I’m pitching them some new ideas now.”

“Well, congratulations, darling. It’s quite impressive.” She watched as Mattie took a graceful sip from the wine glass in front of her and realized Carmilla wasn’t the only one with that elegant appeal of mystery and charm surrounding her. Even though they weren’t related by blood, the siblings all seemed to have that same confident, cavalier quality.

_In addition to all being incredibly beautiful. How is that fair?_

“Yeah, Laura, if you keep this up, you’ll have your pick of writing for whoever you want, wherever you want. You could travel the world. Leave kitty here all alone to pine for you,” Will teased.

“Stop it or I’ll break your collarbone, Willy-Boy. Again,” Carmilla said with a sickeningly sweet smile, making him chuckle and Mattie roll her eyes. Laura clearly had a lot of catching up to do when it came to Carmilla’s family history.

“Love you too, sis,” he said with a smile. “Anyway, it is great Laura and you probably really could travel on the wallet of whatever publication you choose. Carm could take her camera with her and the two of you could see the world.”

“Yeah, maybe someday,” Laura said, looking away as the thought of being alone on the other side of the world with only Carmilla flooded her brain. Sure, it seemed like a romantic notion. But… also utterly terrifying. _Ugh, goddamnit, I’m so sick of these stupid indecisive feelings! What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be in love with a girl I hardly know! That’s what’s wrong with me!_ “Um, so what do you three have planned for tonight?” _Please focus on something else!_

“Nothing actually. These two were getting ready to head for the hotel for the night when you got here. Jet lag,” Carmilla explained. “Did you have plans? With your friends?” Laura just shook her head.

“So the Scooby Doo squad is all still intact?” Mattie asked with a chuckle.

“I swear, as crazy as Carm was about you in the beginning, I kept waiting for the three ginger-teers to be the final straw and send her running for the hills,” Will added with his own laugh. “

“Shut up, both of you.” Laura watched Carmilla send them both a warning glance before leaning back against the counter, arms crossed, apparently ending the conversation then and there. Mattie and Will both shot her the same arrogant smile before taking the final sips of wine and coffee from their respective glasses and standing.

“Alright, darling, we’ll see you tomorrow then for brunch. Will you be joining us, Lolita?” Laura turned to Mattie in surprise, not expecting the invitation.

“Um…” _Oh Jesus, that will be the most awkward brunch ever!_

“We’ll see,” Carmilla answered for her, walking towards the door to escort the two out.

“Very well. Goodnight, sis,” Mattie said, leaving air kisses against Carmilla’s cheeks as she floated out. Will followed, sending Laura a genuine smile and leaving an actual kiss on Carmilla’s cheek, his chin scruff making her cringe before he exited.

Laura quickly turned away, busying herself with the rest of the groceries as Carmilla closed and locked the door. She’d been a spaz. Again. _Classic, Hollis._

“Hey.” She stopped what she was doing and halfway turned towards Carmilla who was slowly walking towards her. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Laura sighed. “I’m sorry. I just… I guess I just didn’t realize how awkward it was going to be… re-meeting them.”

“Creampuff, I told you that you didn’t have to.”

“I know.” She stared down at her feet, fidgeting nervously and noticed Carmilla stop a few feet away from her.

“Well, you don’t have to see them again if you don’t want. I’ll meet them wherever but I won’t invite them to come back here.”

“Carm, no, that’s not… look I’m sorry, I just, I guess part of me was hoping something would be familiar. And that I wouldn’t be a stuttering idiot,” she said.

“Laura, you were fine. They know you don’t remember them. But that wasn’t going to stop them from being… well, them around you,” Carmilla said with a chuckle. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t worry.” Laura just nodded, finally looking up into Carmilla’s sweet brown eyes and smiled softly. “So, since you don’t have plans and I don’t have plans, do you want to hang out? Maybe order in? We can watch a movie or something?”

Laura took in the sweet and nervous tone in Carmilla’s voice and couldn’t help but giggle. Five minutes ago this girl was confident and kick-ass. And now…

“Sure. That sounds good,” she said with a genuine smile.

* * *

  ** _Six Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

“Are you sure you can’t get someone to cover for you?” Laura asked as she wrapped her arms tighter around Carmilla’s neck and left a string of soft kisses along her throat.

Carmilla just chuckled and pulled the tiny brunette closer, releasing a deep sigh as Laura hit a particularly sensitive spot.

“I mean, you can’t just leave me here… alone… missing you.”

“You’re getting really good at this teasing thing aren’t you, cupcake?” She felt Laura smile against her neck and ducked her head down further, capturing Laura’s lips with her own in a knee-trembling kiss. She pulled away a second later, smiling at the dazed look on Laura’s face. “Look, trust me, I’d much rather be with you tomorrow night than at work. And maybe another weekend I can make that happen and trade-off for another day. But if I don’t go in tomorrow, how do you expect me to buy you pretty things and take you places, like the restaurant we were just at.”

She’d meant it to be a light comment. She had absolutely no intention of bringing down the teasing mood that they’d been flirting with all night, but apparently, her brain hadn’t caught up with her mouth.

“Carm…” She watched as Laura’s face fell and felt her slide her hands down her arms, grabbing onto her own hands and fitting their fingers together. “You know I don’t care about any of that stuff, right? You know that’s not why I like you. I’d be just as happy sitting at one of our places with a jar of peanut butter, doing nothing.”

“That’s just because you love peanut butter.”

“No, it’s because I…”

Carmilla tipped her head curiously as Laura cut herself off and looked away.

“Cupcake?”

“I just… I just don’t want you to think that I need or want anything but you, Carm,” she said, finally looking back up and Carmilla felt herself melt into those honey brown eyes. She leaned forward, leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s lips, smiling as she pulled away and moved them further down the hallway towards Laura’s apartment door, stopping and waiting for Laura to locate her keys once they reached it.

She wasn’t trying to avoid the topic but the night had been so light and fun. _We don’t need to get all heavy._

“Damn, Hollis, what all do you have in that bag?” she asked as Laura kept digging, unsuccessfully for her keys. “Is that mace?”

“No, bear spray.”

“Bear spray? You say that like it’s just something everyone carries around.”

“My dad just likes to make sure I’m safe,” Laura said with a giggle, finally locating her keys and unlocking the door.

_Fuck, if he ever meets me… nope, not going to go there._

“Hey, you guys are here,” Laura said as they entered her apartment, taking in LaF and Perry seated together on the couch, engrossed in whatever they were watching on the television.

“Of course, dear. Where should we be?”

“Anywhere but here so Frosh and Casanova can have the place to themselves,” LaF said with a chuckle, sending a toothy grin their way.

“Hey, you said it,” Carmilla pointed out with a smirk as she wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist from behind and pulled her close.

They’d been spending most of their time at her place where they could be alone so thankfully she hadn’t had to engage much with the two gingersnaps since before the holidays outside of the fucking insufferable monthly game night that they insisted upon continuing to have. She’d never admit it out loud but she still felt a little awkward being around them after the whole ‘hurt our best friend and we’ll kill you’ speech. They obviously wanted her gone and out of Laura’s life. They’d made that perfectly clear, and while she had played nice with them when she had to, that didn’t mean she had to roll over and play dead. She still had her pride.

“Now there’s no need to be rude, Carmilla,” Perry chastised, eyes wide, mouth turned down, handing Laura a brownie from the plate the tiny brunette was eyeing. “We didn’t know you were planning on coming back here tonight. We don’t see much of the two of you together anymore.”

“The restaurant was just closer to here than to Carm’s place,” Laura explained. “And I never said I didn’t want you guys here. I just thought you might be out. I mean, it’s Friday night.”

“Yeah well, we’re clearly those boring college students your dad encouraged you to befriend.” Carmilla chuckled at LaF’s assessment, unable to help herself and leaned in over Laura’s shoulder to take a small bite of the brownie in her hand.

“Mmm. Not bad, Betty Crocker.”

“Thank you, Carmilla. That was almost polite of you.” Perry brushed the microscopic crumbs only she could see from her hands and sat back on the couch once more. “Now, would the two of you care to join us or do you have other plans for the evening? We’re watching some ridiculous movie that LaFontaine picked out, so if you want to save yourselves, I support you.”

_Holy shit, would you look at that. Curly Sue cracked a joke._

Carmilla was actually tempted to join them, not really so much for the company but more so just to try and earn some goodwill points when Laura shot that idea down with the shake of her head and a smile.

“Sorry, Per, you’ll be suffering through this one on your own,” she said as she gripped Carmilla’s arms still wrapped around her torso and shuffled them towards her bedroom. “We’ll be in here if you need us.

Carmilla looked over her shoulder at a frowning Perry and already enraptured LaF and chuckled as they entered Laura’s room.

“Damn, cupcake, leaving your friend out there to suffer alone. That’s harsh,” Carmilla said once the door was closed and she’d removed her jacket and knit toque.

“She’ll be fine. LaF will end up picking whatever the hell they’re watching apart in the next twenty minutes and then they’ll get too angry at the holes in the plotline and end up turning it off. Then Per can watch some rom-com and all will be right with the world.”

“Sounds like you’ve been down this road before,” Carmilla said with a chuckle as she sat back on Laura’s bed.

“You have no idea.” Laura shucked her own jacket and shoes before turning to Carmilla, smiling mischievously. “Besides, we can have a lot more fun in here. By ourselves,” she said, moving towards the bed and into Carmilla’s lap.

“Laura, I’m not objecting but you refused to have sex the other night when you saw my neighbors in the hallway coming in at the same time we were. There’s no way in hell you’re going to be okay with doing it now when your best friends are in the next room.”

“I didn’t say we were having sex, Carm,” Laura giggled with a small blush and Carmilla gave her a questioning look. “But just because we aren’t having sex doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun.”

“Oh really. What did you have in mind, cutie?” Laura didn’t answer. Instead, she just kissed her.  

* * *

Thirty minutes had passed. Thirty minutes of the hottest make-out session in the entire history of make-out sessions and Carmilla would’ve been lying if she said she didn’t want more. But this was kind of fun. The teasing, the soft sighs, the incredible feeling of Laura’s amazing lips pressed against hers.

“You still taste like that chocolate espresso cake from the restaurant,” Laura said, smiling into a waning kiss.

“Oh? Well, you taste like Laura,” Carmilla said, latching back onto her bottom lip.

“What’s that taste like?”

“Mmm, fucking delicious.” Laura giggled into the kiss and Carmilla couldn’t help but smile and pull the smaller girl closer.

A quick rap on the door and the sound of creaking hinges caught her attention but not fast enough.

“Laura, dear, could you- oh! Sorry, I didn’t know you were otherwise… engaged,” Perry said, quickly turning her gaze towards the corner of Laura’s room and away from where the tiny brunette was currently straddling Carmilla in the middle of her bed.

“Seriously, does no one knock anymore?” Carmilla grumbled, staying prone as Laura shifted off of her.

“Oh, I did knock.” Carmilla propped herself up on her elbows and glared at the redhead, dumbfounded. She opened her mouth to release the snark on the tip of her tongue when Laura gently cut her off.

“What’s up, Per?”

“Well, I’m terribly sorry to interrupt. I did my best to avoid it. But… Danny’s here and asking for you.”

“Oh! Um… okay.” Laura turned towards Carmilla, looking anxious as she rose off the bed and shuffled towards the door. “Carm, just give me a second, okay?”

Carmilla stared on as the door closed behind Laura, releasing a heavy sigh as she fell back onto the bed. _Seriously? Fucking Lawrence! Again!_

She’d known Danny, or at least known of her since her first year at Silas. It was late and she’d been on her way home from the library when she’d come across the tall girl and a gaggle of her overly-active friends coming from the other direction on some sort of campus patrol. Between the glaring headlamps pointed in her direction and the military like march, they were a hard group not to notice.

“Hey, you! What’re you doing out this late alone?” Danny had asked as they quickly approached her head on.

“What fucking business of it is yours, Redwood?”

“Excuse me!”

“I said-“

“Hey, come on, Lawrence. She’s got her bag and stuff with her,” one of the other girls chimed in. Carmilla stared at her for a moment, the blonde seeming very familiar but she couldn’t quite place her. “I doubt she’s out here causing any trouble.”

“That’s not the point, Elsie. You know as well as I do anyone on campus at this hour on a Tuesday is most likely up to no good.”

“Yeah but she-"

“Looks like a troublemaker. We formed this patrol to protect the campus. How are we protecting the campus if we just let anyone wander around, doing whatever they want?”

“So studying at the library on a Tuesday is a problem? Man, you’re a real hard ass,” Carmilla snarked as she started back walking in the direction of her dorm.

“Hey! Get back here you little-“

“Danny, it’s fine, really. Just let her go.” Carmilla turned back once, catching the eye of the blonde girl defending her, Elsie, who gave a small smile and subtle wave. _Shit,_ she thought, realizing why she looked so familiar. _Fuck, that’s the girl from last weekend. Man, I’ve got to start keeping better track._ She quickly turned back around and walked a little faster.

“Hey…” Laura’s hesitant voice cut through her thoughts as the tiny brunette finally came back, closing the door behind her and slowly stepping towards the bed. Carmilla smiled briefly before feeling her lips turn back down as she took in the regretful look on Laura’s face.

“What’s wrong, cupcake?” she asked as she fully sat up and hauled herself to the end of the bed.

“Nothing, just… well… do you um, maybe want to watch a movie?”

_What the fuck?_

“With my friends?”

_Goddamnit._

She attempted to keep her face from falling into total disappointment as she took in Laura’s pleading eyes but she doubted she was successful.

“I’m sorry, Carm. Really, I just… well, Danny’s had a rough day. Some stuff happened at the Summer’s house I guess and she just really needs a friend right now.”

 _Of course, she does. And of course, she’s going to come running to you._ She’d never considered herself to be a jealous person but, damnmit, Laura was **her** girlfriend, not Danny’s. And it seemed like whenever the tall redhead called, Laura came running.

“Oh… okay,” she said, standing and adjusting her clothes.

“So you’ll stay?” The hopeful smile on Laura’s face literally made her heartache. This was the last thing she wanted to do that night but if this was the only way she’d get to spend more time with Laura…

“Sure, I’ll stay for a little while.” She chuckled as Laura jumped and wrapped her arms around her neck, pulling her close.

“Thank you so much, Carm,” she said softly, pulling back and meeting her eyes. She kissed her once before unwrapping herself and walking out of the room, Carmilla slowly following.

Stepping out, she took notice of the others in the room, LaF and Perry both seeming incredibly uncomfortable and Danny looking beyond irritated. _Like I fucking care if she’s upset,_ she thought as she sat down on the other sofa, pulling Laura down next to her and wrapping an arm around the tiny brunette’s shoulders.

“So, what’re we watching?”

“Wait, you’re staying?” Danny asked in disbelief.

Carmilla just shrugged and pulled Laura closer, taking notice that the other girl slightly tensed against her. _Wait, what the fuck was that?_ She turned towards Laura, who sent her an overly cheerful smile before turning back to her friends, nervously pulling at a thread on her sweater with her free hand.

_Fuck._

* * *

  ** _The Next Day_ **

Laura pulled apart the sprinkled donut in front of her, staring out the window at the snow gently falling outside, carefully blanketing everything in sight. She was exhausted and the caffe mocha she’d ordered in place of her regular hot chocolate wasn’t really helping with that.

The previous evening had been awkward. _That’s putting it mildly._ She didn’t want it to be. She was just trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy. _Failed on that front,_ she thought with a sigh.

“Hollis, there’s going to be nothing left of that donut if you keep tearing it apart,” Danny said from across the table, taking a sip of her own coffee. She looked up to meet her friend's eyes, shaking her head in frustration and sighing. “What’s up with you today?”

“Nothing, sorry. I’m just… tired.”

At least that was part of the truth. She’d hardly slept last night.

After she and Carmilla had joined her friends the night before, she’d sat there nervously on the couch next to the dark-haired girl, watching her friends uncomfortably look at one another before Perry finally attempted to distract everyone and had turned on a movie. Some typical rom-com that Laura had expected. Over the next hour and a half, LaF and Perry had sent out forced, over the top giggles, Danny had pouted and Carmilla had sat next to her, completely silent and still. The dark haired girl had readjusted herself about five minutes into the movie, removing her arm from around her shoulders and leaving a few inches of space between them. Laura had glanced over at her when she’d moved away but Carmilla kept her eyes on the television.

Once the movie was over, Laura excused herself to the bathroom and by the time she got back, Carmilla was standing near the door, jacket and toque on, boots laced, apparently just waiting to say goodbye.

“You’re leaving?” she asked quietly as she approached. Her friends had already put on something else to watch and were halfway engrossed in the film.

“Yeah, it’s late so…”

“You know, you don’t have to. I mean… you can stay tonight.” Carmilla just shook her head and leaned in, leaving a brief kiss on her cheek.

“Goodnight,” she said quietly as she opened to door.

“Night, Carmilla!” Perry and LaF called together from the couch, each smiling softly at her girlfriend as she left. Apparently, they weren’t that enthralled with movie number two. Carmilla just nodded towards them and turned away, closing the door behind her. Laura stared at the door for a moment before sighing and returning to her seat on the couch. She kept mostly quiet the rest of the night, checking her phone every few minutes to see if she had anything from Carmilla but every time, she came up empty.

“So, do I need to buy you a new donut or are you actually going to eat that?” Danny teased.

“No, no I’m fine. You didn’t have to buy me this one,” Laura answered, popping one of the larger pieces into her mouth to placate the redhead.

“Well, I wanted to. You were such a good friend last night, I owed you.”

“It was no big deal. So um, are you going to go back to the house today? Try and patch things up with the other girls?” Maybe if she encouraged Danny, this little impromptu breakfast outing would be over faster.

She hadn’t intended on spending the morning with her friend. In fact, when she’d finally hauled herself out of bed, she’d been hoping to have some time to herself. TIme to think over things and properly arrange her thoughts. But then Danny had still been there, having crashed on the couch overnight and had insisted on taking Laura for coffee and donuts.

“I guess I have to. I mean, winter rush is getting ready to start. We can’t have the house divided right now,” she said with a sigh

“Good,” Laura said, smiling enthusiastically, taking another bite of donut and washing it down with the last of her mocha. _Alright, get out of here now, go!_

“How about another mocha? I think I’m going to get another cup. I’m going to need the caffeine to power through.”

_Crap._

“Um… I don’t know if I need another one. Already kind of jittery.”

“Alright, how about just another donut? That one looks a little worse for the wear.”

“Well…”

“Come on, Hollis, I’ll get you whatever you want.” She looked up into Danny’s smiling, hopeful face and felt herself giving in.

“Fine, I guess, maybe one of those sugarless hot chocolates they do.” Danny just nodded and quickly left the table. Laura sighed and took the opportunity of being alone to pull her phone from her pocket, noticing she had a missed text message.

 ** _Carm (10:13AM):_** Hey, you up? You want to grab a coffee? Maybe we can hang out for a bit before I have to go to work.

 _Shit._ She looked up, noticing Danny still standing in the modest line that had formed and typed out a quick reply.

 **_Laura (10:36AM):_ ** Sorry, I just saw this. And wow, you’re up early. I’m actually over at Jacked Up Coffee right now. You want to come by?

She knew it was stupid to ask as soon as she pressed send. But she definitely wanted to see her girlfriend. They’d ended the previous night so awkwardly and she’d felt so lonely as she’d laid down in her bed, desperately wishing she had Carmilla’s arms around her. As lame as it was, she’d missed her.  

 **_Carm (10:37AM):_ ** Really? That’s not your normal go-to spot…

She had to be honest. She couldn’t invite Carmilla to come meet her and not tell her she was with Danny. That wasn’t fair.

 **_Laura (10:38AM):_ ** Yeah, well it’s where Danny wanted to go.

“Alright, sugarless hot chocolate,” Danny said with a smile as she sat the mug down in front of Laura. “I got you extra whipped cream just like you like it.”

“Thanks.” She wrapped her hands around the mug, relishing in its warmth as she nervously waited for a reply on her phone, knowing it wouldn’t be a good one. She attempted to be polite company and look interested as Danny started talking about the Winter Rush agenda, all the while sending periodic glances to her phone on the table next to her, blank and lifeless. _Come on Carm. Please._

 **_Carm (10:53AM):_ ** Oh. I guess I’ll just see you sometime next week.

_Goddamnit!_

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?!” Laura asked from her side of the couch, legs stretched out next to Carmilla, arms crossed over her chest, face full of frustration.

They’d ended up ordering in Thai and had put the television on in the background while they ate. But neither was really paying attention and Carmilla had ended up asking Laura about the articles she’d been working on. She smiled as Laura lit up in excitement, talking about her work. Talking about her articles led to talking about how Sherman was trying to figure out the best way to frame her online articles, because he framed everything, and that led to talking about how Mattie and Will were equally as impressed with her accomplishments. And that led to the inevitable; Laura asking if Carmilla’s siblings really believed Laura’s friends were going to drive them apart in the beginning. She hadn’t meant for the story to upset Laura but then again, it wasn’t the most fun memory of the two of them. And she had promised not to sugarcoat anything or avoid the tough topics.

“About what?”

“Carm, no wonder Will and Mattie thought my friends were going to be what broke us up. I was such a jerk to you when it came to Danny. I kept picking her over you and… that wasn’t right. Why didn’t you ever call me on that?”

“I guess I was just used to it.” Carmilla shrugged and looked up, catching the stunned look on Laura’s face before looking away, hating the embarrassment she still felt after all these years... “Laura, I was never anyone’s first choice okay? I mean, that was the norm for me. My own parents didn’t even want me, they gave me up when I was six months old. I spent years bouncing from group home to foster home and back, one after another, not a single one sticking. No one wanted to keep me around and I was only useful for those assholes trying to get more money out of the system. And then, even after Lilita adopted me when I was twelve, it wasn’t like I was first choice for her. My mother always put herself first, then her business, then us. By the time I met you and we got together, it was just second nature to me. Plus, I knew that Lawrence was into you. She wanted you so much and I knew that you’d had a huge crush on her for so long before I came into the picture. I honestly didn’t know if those feelings were really gone back then and I guess, I just kept waiting for you to pick her instead and tell me to piss off.”

“Carm! How can you say that?” Carmilla turned back, taking in the horrified look on Laura’s face.

“Cupcake, I’m not telling you this to hurt you or to make you feel bad. That’s just the way it was.”

“Well, that’s stupid!”

“Laura, come on. She was your friend long before I came around and she was important to you. Plus, you’re just you. You so desperately wanted to make everyone happy and not hurt anyone’s feelings.”

“But I was hurting you the whole damn time!”

“But you didn’t know that, cupcake.” Carmilla reached out, placing a hand on Laura’s blanket covered knee and gently squeezed, giving her a small, reassuring smile. “I mean, you knew something was up but… Laura, I hid a lot of my feelings from you. I’m honestly still not that great about vocalizing them but you’ve gotten used to that over the years so I don’t always necessarily have to. You just kind of learned to read my thoughts. But early on with us, you weren’t there yet. You didn’t know you were hurting me and it’s my own fault for not speaking up.”

“Who’s to say I would’ve chosen you though?” Laura pouted, throwing her good hand into the air in exasperation. “I mean, I’d like to think that I would’ve but apparently I was a giant asshole and didn’t care.”

“Laura, come on. That’s not true. You did care. You just didn’t know all the facts, so you can’t take all the blame, okay? Cupcake, yes, I’ve been hurt by you. I’m not going to lie about that. But I’ve hurt you too. We haven’t gone seven years without any war wounds. The hurt isn’t what matters though. What matters is that we came through it and we learned how to be better to one another. Like I said, I suck at telling you when I’m feeling a certain kind of way. But you’ve gone through enough with me that you learned how to speak silent, sulking Carmilla. So you just know and you try to make it better. And I’ve learned too. Just like right now. You’re pouting and fidgeting and, yes, you’ve vocalized some irritation at your behavior. But I know that even though you’re mad at yourself for how you acted way back when you’re also a little miffed at me. Because I didn’t step up and tell you that your choices were hurting me. You always wanted me to talk to you and it just wasn’t that easy.”

She carefully watched Laura’s face, noting the slight widening of those inquisitive eyes in surprise and smiled at the small change.

“You have to remember that all of this was a really long time ago. And you did actually pick me you know? I mean, we’re sitting here… together,” Carmilla said with a smile.

Laura looked down at her hands in her lap again, apparently even more uncomfortable with the discussion now than before.

_Shit, what did I say?_

“Hey, come on,” Carmilla said, leaning forward a little and squeezing her knee again. “Yeah, shit wasn’t always sunshine and roses. And Lawrence was a giant pain in the ass back then. But we figured it out. You… you took care of it.”

“What did I do?” Laura asked, looking up, eyes full of curiosity.

“A story for another time,” Carmilla said with a small smile. “Besides, it’s late.”

“But I’m not tired yet.” Carmilla took in the adorable pout on Laura’s face and felt her lips turn up at how cute the other girl looked in that moment.

“Alright, how about this then. We said we were going to watch a movie. And you owe me one horror flick if you remember correctly.”

“Oh crap, I do,” Laura said, shrinking further into the couch, pulling the blanket up to her chin.

“Deal’s a deal, cupcake,” Carmilla said as she grabbed the remote and quickly found an acceptable choice on Netflix.

“On second thought, I’m exhausted,” Laura said with an over exaggerated yawn.

Carmilla just chuckled and pressed play, sitting back into the couch and laying her hand back on Laura’s knee for good measure.

* * *

Carmilla turned the television off and looked towards the other end of the sofa where Laura lay, her body still sandwiched between the back of the couch and Carmilla’s legs. She’d snuggled in further and further as the movie had worn on. Carmilla had purposely picked one of those stupid over the top 80’s horror flicks so as not to scare the tiny brunette too much and apparently, her plan had worked as she’d watched Laura’s eyes growing heavier and heavier the further she sank into the sofa.

“It’s really late now, cupcake,” Carmilla mumble, snuggling further into the pillow under her head. “You should get some rest.”

“Mmm hmm…” Laura pulled their shared blanket up further around her shoulders, her eyes already closed.

“Seriously, Hollis. I know you’re feeling better but your ribs are going to hate you if you sleep out here.”

“But I don’t want to move,” Laura grumbled, rolling onto her side and propping her pillow onto one of Carmilla’s shins. “I’m comfortable. And that movie was scary.”

Carmilla just smiled at the adorable pout on the sleepy girls face, feeling her own eyes growing heavy and finding herself unable to keep them open any longer.

“Are you sure, kid? Nice, big comfy bed just down the hall…”

Laura just grumbled again, already slipping into unconsciousness. Carmilla smiled once more and reached back, finding the switch on the lamp and clicking it off.

“Night, cutie.” Laura didn’t respond but Carmilla felt her snuggle in even closer as she faded off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Please let me know what you all think.
> 
> Fair warning... shit's about to hit the fan in this one over the next few chapters. So don't say I didn't warn you. 
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	14. Break My Faithful Heart, Tear It All Apart… But Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they fell asleep all curled up together and sweetness was everywhere. Everything's good now right? Right???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.
> 
> Warning: This is an angsty one.

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was how much every muscle in her body ached in the worst way. Not that that was a new feeling. It had pretty much been the norm for the last few weeks.

_Fucking couch. I’m getting too old for this shit._

The second thing she noticed was that it was early. The light drifting through the curtains was soft and cool, forcing her to pull the blanket lying low across her hips up over her shoulders and roll further into the couch, nesting into the cushions. That’s when she noticed the third thing: Laura was no longer beside her.

They’d fallen asleep on opposite ends of the sofa late the night before and it was the first time in weeks that she didn’t toss and turn and struggle to close her eyes. She’d fallen asleep to the soft sound of Laura’s breathing, the smell of her brown sugar body wash and the amazing feeling of her soft, warm body.

She’d woken up sometime a few hours after initially drifting off and, despite her exhaustion, had fought to keep herself awake as long as possible in order to enjoy the moment she’d been presented with. As usual, Laura had stolen most of their shared blanket, but she really didn’t mind. The small brunette was lying on her side, turned towards her, arms firmly wrapped around her calf, holding tight. Carmilla felt the smile bloom across her face in that moment and Laura snuggled in further, nudging her own knee up and over Carmilla’s hip and onto her stomach. _Like a little koala bear,_ she’d thought, attempting to calm her rapidly beating heart at the sensation of having Laura so close and the feeling of warm, soft skin touching in places it hadn’t for weeks. Unable to help herself, she’d carefully placed a gentle hand just above Laura’s knee, letting her thumb carefully trace back and forth for a moment, listening as Laura sighed in contentment, floating somewhere on a dream. She’d fought valiantly to stay awake as long as she could, because who knew when a moment like this would come again, but it was in vain and she felt her eyes forcing themselves closed just a few minutes later.

 _How’d she sneak out of here without me noticing,_ Carmilla thought as she turned away from the back of the couch and she sat up. Granted she was normally a heavy sleeper but she’d found between the uncomfortableness of the sofa and the constant feeling of being on edge the last few weeks, a pin drop could wake her up.

She put her feet on the floor and rubbed a tired hand across her face, attempting to focus on the clock along the far wall but finding the blurry face and numbers impossible to read. She really needed to make that eye appointment Laura had been harassing her about a few months earlier. The brunette had noticed her squinting more and more and had initially taken to teasing her about getting old in order to get her to arrange a visit to the ophthalmologist. When that didn’t work she changed tactics and started making comments along the lines of how sexy she thought Carmilla would look in a pair of spectacles. And when that didn’t work, she took to threatening, although Carmilla just found that more adorable than anything.

She stood up, carefully stretching her limbs as she did so, hearing a pop here and a crack there, and slowly shuffled towards the kitchen, which was also unfortunately empty. She stopped her shuffle, standing completely still, and strained, listening for any sound in the house to indicate Laura’s whereabouts. Focusing as much as she could for an early morning, pre-coffee day, she smiled when she faintly heard the sound of the shower from the master bathroom, happy to have located her fiancée.

Shuffling further into the kitchen she set about starting the coffee, making it a little stronger than normal. She was definitely going to need the boost today since she would be spending most of it with Mattie and Will and who knew what kind of trouble they’d find to get her into. Finally locating the time on the digital clock above the stove, she realized it was even earlier than she thought and contemplated climbing back onto the couch for some more shuteye, but quickly decided against it. After all, Laura was already up and it would be a wasted opportunity to spend some time with her if she just went back to bed.

She’d seen the hesitance on Laura’s face and heard it in her voice the day before when Mattie had asked her to accompany them to brunch. And part of her understood that reluctance. After all, Laura remembered her siblings about as well as she remembered Carmilla. There was absolutely nothing familiar there and she understood that it would probably be nerve-wracking and uncomfortable for the tiny girl. But on the other hand, she loved spending time with Laura and wanted to have as much of it together as possible, whether that was with or without other people around. Laura’s presence, she’d found, eased the bit of tension that had taken up residence in her chest over the last few weeks. Sure, things were different between them and she’d struggled to keep her hands to herself and her over the top flirtatious comments to a minimum. But she thought she’d done a decent job of not making Laura uncomfortable. She found herself constantly gaging Laura’s reactions anytime she got close to the tiny brunette and, if it seemed to be too much, she backed off. So far it seemed to be working. She didn’t think she’d missed any cues and Laura hadn’t complained or asked her to stop. It seemed like they were enjoying each other’s company. It felt familiar, reminiscent of those interactions they’d had when they’d started dating all those years ago.

She lifted the now full French press, pouring the dark liquid into two separate mugs and adding just the right amount of sugar and cream to the one for Laura before taking a seat at one of the island stools to wait. She’d heard the shower turn off a few minutes earlier and figured Laura would be out soon enough. Maybe they could talk and she could ask about brunch again. Laura might feel different after having slept on the idea. _And having slept next to me,_ she thought with a small smile as she took her first sip of coffee. As lame as it was, she was pretty sure she’d be riding the high of feeling her sleeping fiancée next to her for a few days. _At least._

Five minutes later, mug in one hand, the other supporting her head on the counter as she dreamily replayed the previous night in her head, Laura finally emerged, fully dressed and tiptoeing down the hallway.

“Morning, cutie.”

“Jesus! Carmilla, oh god, you scared me,” Laura yelped, practically jumping out of her skin and holding her hand to her chest.

“Sorry,” Carmilla chuckled. “I didn’t mean to startle...” She trailed off as she noticed Laura laden down with her laptop bag on one shoulder and one of the duffle bags they kept in the back of their closet in her good hand, boots and knit beanie already on. “Um, are you going somewhere?”

“Huh? Oh… yeah. I am.” Laura avoided her gaze and kept moving towards the front door, hastily setting her things down once she got there to grab a coat from the rack standing nearby.

“I didn’t realize you had plans today.”

“Well, I didn’t… but now I do.”

“Well, I’m still having brunch with Mattie and Will… I was kind of hoping you’d come with me. Kirsch and Mel will be there so you’ll have a few friendly faces.” She heard how hopeful and needy she sounded and cringed. _Pathetic._

“I can’t.”

_Shit, what is going on and why won’t she look at me?_

“Okay, well, do you want a cup of coffee before you go? Or maybe something to eat?” She reached for the still steaming mug she’d sat at the stool next to hers and offered it up to Laura’s back, feeling even more pitiful and clingy as she did.

“No, I’m fine.” Laura had zipped up the light jacket and grabbed her things once more, reaching for her keys on the hook near the door without so much as a glance back.

“Hey! Wait a minute.” Carmilla hopped off her stool and quickly strode towards the other girl, taking in the hunched posture and slight blush. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Laura, come on. Something’s up. Please, just tell me,” she pleaded.

“I said I’m fine.”

“But you’re clearly not. Come on, just… talk to me, cutie.”

“I… I don’t want to talk about it right now, Carmilla. I just want to get out of here. I can’t… I just need some time to think about things.”

_What the holy fuck???_

“Think about things? What things? Laura, what the hell is going on? You were fine last night, what happened between then and-” Carmilla cut herself off, watching as Laura shrunk further in on herself, her head tilted towards the floor allowing a few stray strands of hair to cover part of her face. “Is this… is this because we both slept on the couch?”

“Carmilla, I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie to me!” It sounded so much harsher coming out of her mouth than she intended and she immediately attempted to backpedal when she saw Laura flinch. “Laura, come on. We just slept next to each other, nothing happened. And if it made you this uncomfortable, then I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, okay? Next time, I’ll sleep on the floor or something. It’s just, you were tired and you didn’t want to move so I didn’t push you to. But I swear, cupcake, nothing else happened. You know that right?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” Laura yelled, finally looking up and meeting Carmilla’s desperate gaze with an insufferable look of her own. “Just leave me alone, Carmilla!” And with that she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

_Shit._

* * *

**Bio-Nerd (7:33AM):** Dude, what the hell???

 **Carmilla (7:34AM):** I knew she’d run to you guys.

 **Bio-Nerd (7:34AM):** What’s going on??? What happened?

 **Carmilla (7:35AM):** I have no fucking idea. Last night she was fine and then when I woke up this morning she apparently hated me and wouldn’t talk to me.

 **Bio-Nerd (7:35AM):** Alright, well Per’s trying to get her to simmer and I called in reinforcements. I’ll let you know if we figure out what’s going on with the little shit.

 **Carmilla (7:36AM):** Just please tell me if there’s anything I can do. Or fix.

And then there had been nothing. For hours. Carmilla had kept her phone within reach the whole morning but nothing else had come up. She’d given up on trying to text or call Laura after LaF’s initial text, knowing that there was no way Laura was going to talk to her until she’d calmed down. But now, hours later… Well, it had been way too long without answers and she couldn’t shake the nauseous feeling in her gut. She was half tempted to show up at the ginger twins house herself and demand some answers, but she knew that would only make things worse and possibly drive Laura further away. The wait was excruciating and, sitting there now, worrying over the entire situation, she had to at least know that Laura was okay, if nothing else.

 **Carmilla (12:06PM):** I’m not asking for details. But just tell me she’s alright.

Her thumbs ran over the blank screen of her phone as she waited impatiently for a response. The restaurant around her bustled loudly with activity and laughter from other patrons enjoying their time with family and friends. She could think of about a million other places she’d rather be in that moment but knew she couldn’t get away with ducking out of the gathering. Around her own table, the others chatted on amicably, laughing at different stories as they caught up with one another after not having seen each other in close to a year.

It was an odd group, anyone could see that and definitely not one you would expect to be sitting together on a Saturday brunching. But Will had taken an instant liking to Kirsch when they’d first met and bonded over their frat boy ways years ago. It had taken Mattie a little longer to come around but she’d eventually come to appreciate his innocent charm after a while, finally realizing that he was completely harmless and extremely easy to tease. Mel, on the other hand, was a harder shell to crack but that was no surprise. Her tough exterior clashed head on all three siblings at one time or another, not to mention the fact that Carmilla initially didn’t trust her simply due to her proximity to Danny.  It hadn’t been until Laura finally put the leggy redhead firmly in place and that whole issue had been resolved once and for all that she and Mel had actually started getting over their dissimilarities and became friends.

 **Bio-Nerd (12:15PM):** She’s okay. Still a little upset but she’s calmed down some.

She stared down at her phone, desperate for more information but she knew there’d be nothing more forthcoming. Not knowing hurt. A lot. And what made it worse was that Laura clearly felt safer with her friends than she did with Carmilla at this point.

“Hey! Angry hottie!” She finally looked up, taking note of the four pairs of inquiring eyes looking back at her and realized she had been ignoring everyone at the table all morning.

“Sorry, what did I miss?”

“What’s going on with you, Elvira? You’ve been even more broody and quiet than normal all morning?”

“Nothing.” She shrugged it off, putting her phone back in her pocket and leaning forward onto the table, pretending to be engaged in the conversation.

“Oh come on, Kitty. You’re beyond mopey this morning. And quite frankly, it’s bringing down the mood.”

“You’re such a shithead, Will.” She watched him arrogantly smile back at her and slouch further into his chair, apparently waiting for an answer. “Really it’s not a big deal,” she finally said with a sigh. “Laura is just pissed at me.”

“What did you do now, Carm?” Mattie asked.

“Why do you assume it’s my fault! I didn’t do anything. I have no clue what the hell is going on with her. I tried to talk to her about it this morning but she clearly wasn’t up for it.”

“We’re going to need some context here, darling.”

“You guys, seriously, it’s nothing.” She looked around at her two friends and siblings, taking note that they just stared back at her, apparently unwilling to let this go. “Ugh, fine. We were hanging out last night, just talking. You guys know I’ve been telling her stories about our past together.” She turned specifically to Kirsch and Mel, knowing only they’d understand the next part. “It was one of those ones where Xena was being a pain in the ass and it was before Laura finally put her in her place.”

“I can’t wait until you tell her that story,” Mel said with a wicked grin as Kirsch just stared between the two of them, blank-faced.

“Anyway, afterward, we put on a movie and by the time it was over, we were both exhausted. She was already half asleep on the couch and you guys know that’s where I’ve been sleeping. I told her to go back to the bedroom but she didn’t want to move so… we both slept there.”

“This story better get interesting soon,” Mattie cut in, causing Carmilla to roll her eyes before continuing.

“Then this morning I woke up and she was already in the shower, so I made us coffee and waited for her. A few minutes later she came out, kind of like sneaking, with her laptop and another bag, planning on leaving. So I just tried to talk to her and I could tell she was upset about something. The only thing that I could think of that might of upset her was that we both slept on the couch together. And I told her nothing happened, just in case she couldn’t remember or was questioning it but she didn’t want to talk to me. She ended up just yelling at me to leave her alone and then stormed out.”

“So she just ran out? Just like that? She always got so mad at you for doing that. Not cool, bro,” Kirsch said, shoveling an entire pancake into his already full mouth. “Are you sure you didn’t like accidentally feel her up in your sleep?”

“Oh come on, brotein-shake. Don’t be a pig,” Mel said with a disgusted face from her seat next to him. Kirsch simply stared back, full mouth agape and eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“He’s got a valid point, sis. I mean, it’s been a while since you’ve gotten any right?”

“This isn’t fucking funny you asshole,” Carmilla snapped, earning a few dirty looks from the uptight couple brunching at the next table.

“Hey,” Will said, holding his hands up in surrender. “I was only joking around, kiddo.”

“Yeah, well the next time you lose the love of your life, I’ll make jokes about how you’re not even allowed to hold her hand, let alone anything more, and we’ll see how funny you think it is.”

“Carm, calm down,” Mattie cut in, her face completely serious. “I know you’re upset but threatening to eviscerate William isn’t going to help anything.”

Carmilla heaved a sigh and slumped back in her chair, hating absolutely everything about the day from the moment she saw Laura come out of the hallway. Everything had been so good. They’d had a really great evening together and even though she felt like she’d been hit by a freight train when she woke up, at least she’d woken up to the memory of a sleeping Laura next to her.

But then this morning… It had been so long since Laura had talked to her like that. They didn’t fight too often. Bicker, squabble, clash sure, it happened from time to time. But the full-blown ‘go away’ combined with that livid look in Laura’s eyes… she couldn’t get it out of her mind. The last time Laura had looked at her like that had been years ago. And she’d been a total asshole and had rightfully deserved the wrath of her tiny girlfriend. But today… well, she still had no idea what in the ever loving hell she’d done so wrong.

She reached for the Bellini in front of her and drained the rest of the glass in one go, rolling her eyes when Will gently nudged her untouched plate of food closer to her.

“Look, I’m not one to talk about… feelings and all that,” Mel said, leaning forward onto the table, wincing at the possibility of an emotional topic.

“I don’t think anyone at this table is,” Will cut in.

“But maybe you didn’t exactly do anything in particular. Maybe this is just Hollis trying to figure out her own shit. I mean, she’s still missing a big chunk of time.”

“And I get that and that’s fine. But something triggered it. And I just… I don’t know what the hell happened and it’s simultaneously driving me crazy and pissing me off.”

“Well aside from this morning, how has everything else been?” Will asked.

“Good. I mean, things haven’t been over the top amazing, but we’ve been fine.”

“You guys seemed good the other night when we stopped by,” Mel said.

“We have been.”

“Good? Fine? Those are the words you use to describe the relationship with the love of your life? God, this is why I stay single.”

“Oh shut up, Mattie. I mean, give me a break. We’re taking it slow. She needs time. She’s still trying to figure herself out. I mean, she knows you guys,” she said, her anger all but dissipating as she looked across the table at Mel and Kirsch. “She looks at you two or those three dimwit gingers of hers and has all these great memories. She has years and years of time. And then… she looks at me and nothing. All that time together, all those years. They’re just gone. I can’t just… I can’t magically make that better.”

“Are the two of you spending much time together?” Mattie asked, casually sipping on her cappuccino.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much together any time we’re both free.”

“And what do you do together?”

Carmilla stared back at Mattie, confounded as to where she was going with this line of questioning and finding her irritation getting more and more overwhelming.

“What the hell does that matter?” Mattie just shrugged, raising an eyebrow and waiting for an answer. “We hang out. We watch movies and talk or we’ll go get coffee and walk around the neighborhood. Or we just sit together and she does stuff on her laptop while I read. Or… I don’t know. We’re just together.”

“When was the last time you took her on a date?” Carmilla faltered. “Or the last time you kissed her? When was the last time you did anything with some semblance of a romantic connotation behind it?”

“She’s not ready!”

“Or you have to face the fact, dear, that you’re no longer a couple,” Mattie said, matter-of-factly. “You’re not together anymore. Of course, you could argue that you never broke up but you have to realize that Laura simply isn’t in love with you anymore, Carm.”

_Jesus Christ._

It was like a bullet ripping through her chest and she immediately felt her eyes burn as she sagged into her chair under the intense weight of the comment. Laura wasn’t in love with her. **Laura** wasn’t in love with **her**. Laura **wasn’t in love** with her.

That was a sentence she never thought she’d hear. She and Laura were supposed to be forever, as fucking sappy as that was. And Laura was the only one she was ever willing to be a sap for. She was everything to Carmilla.

“Damn, Mattie, way to shoot to kill.”

“Seriously, not cool, bro.”

“Honestly, Matska, you could’ve been a little more delicate.”

“I know it’s not fun to hear, darling but that’s the truth,” she continued, undaunted with the other three’s concerns. “And the sooner you face it, the better off you’ll be.”

“So what am I supposed to do then? Just forget about all of it and move on? Give her up?” Carmilla heard the slight crack in her voice and swallowed hard. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How could Mattie suggest such a thing?

“Did those words come out of my mouth?”

“Well, you’re as good as saying it! I mean come on, Mattie. I’ve spent the last seven years with her. We’re engaged! We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I can’t believe you think I should just accept the fact that it’s over.”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all, Carm. I’m simply saying that maybe a bit more effort might be appropriate. Maybe she’s ‘not ready’ but how do you know? Right now, you’re basically starting with a clean slate. You starting from scratch. You don’t have to pressure her into anything and maybe you shouldn’t push for more if it’s not appropriate or it makes her uncomfortable. But what’s wrong with a little pull? Maybe that’s what she needs. Maybe that’s what she’s waiting for.”

“You’re talking in riddles.”

“Carmilla, she’s not going to simply fall back into your arms so that you can ride off together into the sunset like some disgusting romance novel. If you want her back, you’re going to have to earn her.”

“Earn her? What, is she part of some sort of prize package?”

“Despite her clear lack of tact, I think Mattie’s on to something here, Carm.” Will warmly grinned at her. “This isn’t going to just start back up again. It’s not like you guys just called time-out and now you’re back in the game.”

“What the hell are you guys saying?”

“Come on, Elvira, even the giant puppy dog knows what they’re saying,” Mel said as Kirsch just nodded eagerly, syrup dripping from the corner of his overly full mouth.

Carmilla continued to stare back at her friends, her face full of confusion.

“You made her fall in love with you once you little monster. Nothing is stopping you from doing it again.”

* * *

  ** _Six Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

Carmilla propped herself up on her elbows, the dark red sheet falling down as she did just enough to expose her collarbones, smirking as she watched Laura scrambling around her small apartment, fruitlessly searching for her things.

It had been an absolutely amazing weekend and at that moment, she was finding that the saying ‘all good things must come to an end’ to be complete and utter bullshit because the last thing she wanted to do right now was to let Laura walk out the door. The tiny brunette had shown up after class on Friday and they’d spent the last two days and three nights completely immersed in one another. Carmilla had even traded off two of her good shifts at the bar for four incredibly crappy ones in order to spend more time with the younger girl.

“Crap! Carm have you seen my other sneaker?” Laura called from her spot on the floor, kneeling on her hands and knees in front of the couch in order to peek underneath it.

“I’m thinking you should forget the sneakers cutie and come back over here. Your side of the bed is starting to get cold,” she teased.

“Carm… You know I have class.”

“I know you do. You have Foreign Affairs this morning but I’m thinking, since it’s so early in the semester, you should probably skip it and stay here with me.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Laura said turning towards her and grinning ear to ear.

Carmilla arched an eyebrow, sitting up further and letting the sheet fall down around her hips, taking note that the grin on Laura’s face had slowly slipped away. She climbed out of the bed and slowly made her way over to where Laura was still kneeling near the couch, stopping a foot away, smirking at the smaller girl looking up at her. Laura’s expression had quickly shifted from determined panic to wanton desire in the last thirty seconds and Carmilla found herself wanting nothing more than to pull her back to bed, classes be damned.

“That is so not fair, Carm.”

Carmilla just shrugged, continuing to stand there wearing nothing but a smile, her eyes never leaving Laura’s as the tiny brunette finally stood and stepped into her, leaving no space between them.

“Seriously, I really do have to go today. I don’t want to because you’re here and amazing and wonderful and… so sexy and naked but… we’re starting our correspondence projects today and I don’t want to get stuck with some awful topic just because I skipped to stay here and roll around all nude and sweaty with you. Please just, help me find my shoe and then I can come back later tonight and we can… pick up where we left off,” she said wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist and holding her close.

“Hmm that’s not going to work, creampuff,” Carmilla answered as she wrapped her own arms around Laura’s neck and leaned their foreheads together. “I traded my Saturday shift for tonight remember? And then I have to work tomorrow too.”

“Ugh, this sucks. And now I can’t even see you during the day since we don’t have a class together anymore. When will I see you again?” Laura pouted.

“I don’t know, cutie. I guess we’ll have to play it by ear and hope for the best.”

If it was possible, Laura’s lip pushed out even further and Carmilla could do nothing but smile at the adorable expression. Finally relenting, she leaned in, leaving a soft kiss against Laura’s lips before pulling away, taking a small amount of pleasure in the fact that Laura’s lips automatically chased after her, and slowly made her way towards the bathroom.

“I’ll see you later, cupcake. Oh and your shoe’s on the counter in the kitchen.”

“How in the frilly hell did it end up there?” Laura called from behind her. She listened as the tiny brunette finish getting dressed, scrambled around for all her things and finally left, calling out a quick ‘bye’ as she ran out the door to class.

Carmilla just smiled to herself and turned on the shower, stepping in a moment later and sighing at the feeling of the hot water pelting her sore muscles. _Totally worth it,_ she thought as she remembered the last few days with her girlfriend.

 _Girlfriend._ Even though it had been almost two months since Laura had officially asked her, she still had trouble wrapping her head around the term and all that it entailed. Of course, it didn’t help that technically, Laura was her first girlfriend. Sure, she’d occasionally dated and had bedded far more women than she was currently comfortable admitting to. But a girlfriend was very different. Honestly, it had never really been a pressing issue and she’d never really wanted one. At least not since she was in high school. Not since Elle.

 _Haven’t thought about that name in a long fucking time,_ she thought as she rubbed the shampoo into her hair.

Elle Sheridan, the girl that had crushed her all those years ago and left her feelings towards a relationship completely corrupted and tainted black.

They’d been best friends for years, meeting when they were kids, growing up together, getting into trouble together, and then one day, they became something else.

She honestly wasn’t sure how or when it really happened but one day she was just her friend and partner in crime, Elle. And the next day, she was the girl that Carmilla wanted more than anyone else in the whole world. She’d tried to ignore her feelings. After all, one of the reasons she and Elle got along so great is that neither of them ever got attached to anyone. They both just liked having fun. But it wasn’t long before one night, drunk at a college party they’d snuck out too, she used her liquid courage to her advantage and had finally kissed Elle. Much to her delight, Elle had kissed her back.

Carmilla had hoped that one night together would get the girl out of her system but unfortunately, it had only made her want Elle more. They’d started spending more time alone together, going to movies, skipping school to go to one of their houses while no one else was home, driving around aimlessly and ending up in secluded areas where no one would look for them. It was amazing and she was so happy.

Until one day, about a month in, she wasn’t. She’d been walking through the library with Will, on their way to the other side of the building for one of their many unpleasant meetings with the principal when she’d seen her: Elle in one of the far dusty corners, pinned to one of the stacks by some blonde who’s face she couldn’t see due to the fact that it was buried in Elle’s neck.

She was so angry with herself. She’d let someone in and let herself have those stupid feelings and she’d gotten burned. She’d avoided Elle for the next few days, not answering her calls and skipping out on any classes they had together. It wasn’t until she came home late one evening to find Elle there, sitting in the living room, laughing with Lilita as they chatted about whatever the hell topic Elle was using to charm her with that she finally had to confront the other girl. Elle had demanded to know what was going on when she’d followed Carmilla upstairs and she finally caved, making some snarky comment about the rendezvous in the library, to which Elle immediately admitted to… along with three other trysts with two different girls that Carmilla didn’t even know about. Elle argued that they’d never agreed that what had happened between them was anything serious and that she was only having fun. She assumed Carmilla was doing the same. After all, they were just friends.

What could she say to that? The girl was right, they’d never agreed to anything more. So why did it hurt so much?

Elle had left that night, thinking everything was fine between them and that things would continue on as usual; they’d spend time together when they wanted to, sleep together when they wanted to, and just have fun. No strings attached.

Carmilla had tried to go back. She really did. She’d put on a brave face and pretended to shrug the entire thing off like it was no big deal. But that pain lingered. The rejection of her feelings, which she so rarely shared stung more than she cared to admit and she decided then and there, relationships weren’t worth it. If it meant getting hurt and trampled on, why bother?

Looking back now, it didn’t hurt as much. The sting had eased considerably over the years. Of course, it still didn’t feel great to be rejected but she realized that what she felt for Elle wasn’t the earth-shattering, all-consuming love that she’d thought it was when she was sixteen. She had feelings for the girl, sure. Was it more than a crush? Maybe. But love? No. No, she had never loved Elle.

And relationships were bullshit. Why let yourself feel something for someone who was just going to shit on you? No, it wasn’t for her.

But now… Now she had Laura.

_Laura._

Sweet, silly, incredible Laura. Laura who made her happy. Laura who made her feel safe. She craved Laura in a way she never had anyone else, and not just physically. Her heart literally ached for the stubborn girl. She made her smile and laugh like no one else ever had. She was smart and goofy. She was…

_Amazing._

They’d only been together a few months. Things between them were still new and exciting. They were still learning things about each other and making new discoveries. Everything was still fresh and shiny with possibilities.

No, she’d never loved Elle. She knew that now. But what she felt for Laura was so much more intense, so much more overwhelming than what she’d felt back then. So what did that mean? And just like a smack to the face, it hit her.

_Shit. Am I… am I in love with Laura?_

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

Carmilla leaned onto the balcony railing, staring up at the stars above. The night was cool but that was to be expected for late October. It didn’t matter though. The temperature couldn’t have been further from her mind.

No, the only thing she was focused on at that moment was the same thing she’d been focused on since brunch that morning: that her Laura, the one she’d loved for years wasn’t there anymore and the woman that stood in her place didn’t feel the same way. It shouldn’t have been a shock. After all, things between them were clearly different. But somehow, that didn’t ease the unbearable sting of hearing it said out loud.

And that left her here, wondering at Mattie’s words. Could she really get Laura to fall in love with her again? Sure, it had worked the first time. She’d been able to win the younger girls heart. But that was so long ago and what were the chances of being able to do it again?

She knew she’d never be able to live with herself if she just walked away without trying. But the circumstances were different this time. Seven years ago, they were both eager for each other. They both wanted it. Now though… did Laura even want to pursue something further? What if Laura didn’t want her anymore? If Laura never regained her memory, maybe she’d be fine with just moving on without Carmilla in her life. After all, it wasn’t like she’d know she was missing out on anything.

Her sweet and incredible Laura. Even after the last month, she hadn’t fully prepared herself for a life without the spunky brunette.

She sighed and ran a frustrated hand through her hair. In all her life, she’d never needed anyone. Not until Laura. And now… what if this was it? Was this how they ended?

_Fuck. What am I going to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently some people were upset by the last chapter and with me for writing it. I just want to apologize as it was never my intention to offend anyone. This is not a fluffy story. Yes, there is some fluff because it's Hollstein and how could there not be. But this story also has it's fair share of angst. That's always how this story was designed from the beginning. For those of you who now hate me and want to boycott, again I apologize. For those of you who are sticking with it, I sincerely appreciate you. 
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	15. And How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We saw what Carmilla went through that day but what in the holy hell happened to Laura?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HO-LY shit. I am beyond blown away and completely humbled by the response to the last chapter. Thank you all so much. I really hope everyone enjoys this chapter just as much. Happy Pride!
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

_Come on! I know you’re in there!_

Laura continued to pound on the door incessantly, not caring if the neighbors out on their early morning runs or walking their dogs stared at her like she was a crazy person. They didn’t matter and she wasn’t crazy. She was pissed.

She’d stormed out of her own house twenty minutes ago in a haze of red, absolutely furious and fuming. She’d quickly hailed a taxi cab, as she still didn’t have a car, and had practically barked the address at the jumpy driver as soon as she’d settled into the back seat. The entire drive she’d focused out the window, ignoring the constant dings and rings from her phone tucked securely into her back pocket, her rage only growing as they passed through downtown Silas. She knew it was Carmilla calling and texting but she couldn’t handle that right now. She couldn’t deal with any more questions or explanations that she simply wasn’t prepared to give.

_I can’t do this anymore! It’s too much and I just can’t!_

Finally reaching her destination, she’d thrown some cash at the driver and ungracefully scrambled out of the car before it sped off. She’d marched up the newly stained cedar stairs in front of her in a huff, bags still dangling askew, and began the first chorus of ‘wake the hell up, this is an emergency’ on the bright red entryway.

“Open the damn door!” she yelled when she heard a loud clamor from inside. She continued banging on the strong oak planks in front of her with her fist, only stopping when a confused and half asleep LaF finally unlocked it and pulled it open.

“Frosh? What’s wrong? What’s-”

“I can’t do this!” Laura said as she plowed past her friend and into the house. “I can’t do this anymore!”

“Come on in, L. Make yourself at home,” LaF said as they closed the door and slowly followed her into the modest two-story craftsman.

Laura stomped into the living room, dropping her bags at the side of the sofa and turned angrily to her friend, seething.

“I can’t do this!”

“So you’ve said. Want to elaborate a little further on that?”

“Laura, sweetheart, what are you doing here? What’s wrong?” Perry asked as she rounded the corner, pulling her robe tighter around her body over her matching pajamas.

“You two! You’re supposed to be **my** friends! You’re supposed to be on **my** side!”

“I’m sure we are, Frosh, but just for shits and giggles, how about you tell us what we’re on the side of?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend! I don’t have a fiancée! I’m not engaged to some sweet and snarky supermodel! I’m not!” Laura ranted as she quickly paced from one end of the room to the other, her hands angrily flailing in front of her in patternless arcs.

“Well, I mean technically, Frosh-”

“No! I’m not! I’m not going on double dates or planning romantic anniversaries or… well, I’m definitely not having sex with her! I got rammed into by some jerk who totaled my car, lost consciousness and when I woke up, I had this entire life that I never even knew about! That I had no idea even existed!”

“Laura, sweetheart, why don’t you sit down,” Perry said, walking further into the room and attempting to corral the steaming journalist.

“I don’t want to sit down,” she yelled, dodging the redhead and continuing to pace. “I want to know why my best friends are on her side and not mine?”

“L, seriously, what are you talking about? We’re on your side. But you have to tell us what the hell happened and why you woke up our entire neighborhood at seven on a Saturday,” LaF said, slumping heavily onto the couch and rubbing their eyes.

“Because you guys expect too much! And so does Danny. And Mel. And Kirsch. And Mattie and Will. And my dad. And… dammit, so does Carmilla. You guys all just expect everything to go back to the way it was even though I don’t know what that is. You’re all expecting too much from me. Me! **Your** friend! And I just… I can’t!”

“Laura, dear, what happened this morning? Did Carmilla do something to upset you? Did she say something?”

“I woke up this morning and there she was. Just sleeping away. Just like it was any other day. Nothing out of the ordinary for her. Nope. Nothing different.” She heard the bite in her tone as she rounded back towards the other end of the room but didn’t care. This whole thing had gone on for too long.

“You guys slept together? Like…” LaF attempted to make some sort of crude gesture with their hands but it just came off as bumbling and clumsy.

“What? Aren’t you listening? No! We both just fell asleep on the couch last night. Together!”

“Okay, seriously, L, you’ve got to chill the hell out and help us. You’re all over the place and I don’t know-”

“That’s because you won’t listen!”

“Alright, enough.” Perry stepped in front of Laura, gently placing her hands on her shoulders to keep her from moving away. “Laura, sweetie, why don’t you go into the kitchen. I’ll be in in just a moment to make you a nice, hot cup of cocoa. LaF, dear, why don’t you run upstairs and grab a quick shower to wake yourself up. Then we’ll all sit down and we can rationally talk about whatever this is.”

“But-”

“No arguments, Laura. Now go.”

Laura sighed and literally stomped into the other room, not bothering to listen to the hushed whispers behind her between her two friends. _Probably just coming up with some new scheme to convince me I should feel one way or another! Some way to just get me to suck it up and just smile and pretend like everything is normal. Jerks!_

She plopped down heavily at the kitchen table, her right hand clenched so tightly in a fist that her nails dug painfully into her palm, her left lying casted and useless beside it, still fuming. She heard her harsh breathing and felt the tension overtaking her shoulders to the point that they were starting to ache, but she didn’t care. _This is so ridiculous. How in the hell did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this?_

She looked up, her jaw firmly set as Perry finally flittered into the room, immediately going about making coffee and her hot cocoa like it was any other day. She didn’t say a word, which if it was possible, made Laura even more agitated.

“Seriously, Per? You’re just going to pretend like this is a normal day?” Laura again heard the anger in her voice and it only fueled her rage further. This was all her friends’ fault anyway. Why hold back?

“No, Laura because clearly, you are upset. And we want to help you in whatever way we can. But it might be better if we’re all here for you so that we can all understand.”

“You guys don’t want to understand! You just want-”

“Laura!” The tiny brunette sat back in her chair and huffed, crossing her arms over her chest with a pout. It was rare for Perry to raise her voice but when she did, she usually meant business and Laura realized if that was the case, she really wasn’t going to get anywhere with her objections. “We will listen to you, I promise,” she said, her tone much softer. “But for right now, let’s just calm down and we’ll talk once everyone gets here.”

“Everyone? Did you call Carmilla?!? Seriously, this is why you’re on her side! This is why-”

“No, we did not call Carmilla, dear. You clearly are upset with her or about her so that would have been incredibly stupid of us to do so. Although, we don’t want her to worry about you.”

“ **My** friends don’t want **her** to worry!”

“Yes, your friends. But we’re her friends too, Laura. You may be the one who’s known us longer, but we care about both of you. Now please, just be patient. I promise we will hear you out.” And with that Perry turned her back, continuing on with her task of putting together the morning perk up kit, humming softly, nonchalantly as she did so.

Laura sighed again, staring down with a scowl at the table in front of her. This whole situation was completely ludicrous. Why had she even bothered coming here? This was a stupid idea that would only further confuse the situation. Her friends had clearly already sided with Carmilla. They didn’t want to help her, they all just wanted everything to return to what it was before the accident. But she just couldn’t do that anymore! She couldn’t deal with it!

She was pulled out of her thoughts at the sound of the front door opening and closing and feet slowly shuffling down the hallway towards the kitchen.

“Alright, I’m here. This better be good, Per. Betty and I were out late last night and I’m running on about two hours of sleep.” She watched as Danny rounded the corner, rubbing at her eyes tiredly, still trying to focus on her surroundings.

“Oh perfect! Yes, let’s team up on Laura even more!” she growled, her eyes as menacing as she could muster.

“It is important, trust me,” Perry answered, ignoring her as she poured cocoa into one mug and overly caffeinated coffee into three others.

“Oh good, everyone’s here,” LaF said, finally coming into the room, energetically grabbing one of the mugs and taking the chair next to Laura’s at the table. Danny and Perry followed with their own cups, albeit a bit slower.

“Alright… oh shit, that’s good,” Danny said, taking a sip from her cup and nodding at Perry in approval before turning back to Laura. “Hollis, come on, talk to us. What’s going on with you? What happened this morning?”

Laura took a deep breath and tightly gripped the mug Perry had placed in front of her, her brow furrowing, her mouth opening wide to let another rant fly when LaF stopped her.

“Nu-uh. No no no, Frosh. Talk to us. Tell us what happened to you when you woke up today that has you sitting here ready to rip our heads off before eight in the morning.”

“Carmilla happened!”

“Alright, and what did Carmilla do, sweetie? You said something about waking up and she was there?”

“Because we both slept on the couch together!”

“Okay. And… Come on, Hollis, I know it’s been a few weeks of separate beds but you’ve been sleeping next to the girl for years now.”

“And right there! That’s exactly it! See, I don’t know that! Don’t you guys get it?” She looked around the table at her three friends, all of them staring back at her, faces full of concern and confusion. Sighing heavily, she took a deep breath and leaned forward in her seat, using every ounce of control she had to keep her voice level and calm. “I know everyone just thinks that Carmilla and I are together and we’re engaged and happy and in love and that everything’s great. But it’s not! I don’t remember her. I don’t know her. I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t know… with someone that I don’t…” She trailed off, hating what she was feeling but knowing it was the truth. “With someone that I don’t love.”

“Whoa.”

She looked up, taking in the complete surprise on LaF and Danny’s faces and the utter sadness on Perry’s and felt the thousand pound weight of disappointment crushing her. If this was their reaction, how devastated would Carmilla be?

_Oh Jesus, if this is their reaction then… crap, I’m going to absolutely break Carmilla’s heart. I can’t._

“I’m sorry you guys but-”

“No, Laura, sweetie, don’t apologize. You’re right. You don’t know her and we… forgot that,” Perry said, taking her hand from across the table and squeezing gently.

“I hate this! I hate this so much you guys,” she said, slumping forward onto the table, feeling that horrible pain in the center of her chest again.

“Hollis, let me ask you something. Honestly, do you feel anything for Carmilla?” Laura peered up at Danny from the crook in her arm, hating the pity she saw on the tall girls face.

“I…”

“Wait a minute, hang on.” LaF eagerly scrambled up from their seat and ran out of the room, tripping twice and returning after a loud clatter that made Perry cringe a moment later.

“LaFontaine, did you just-”

“I’ll clean it up later, I promise. But right now, pressing issues here, Per,” they said as they sat back down, notebook and markers in hand. “Okay, now, Frosh, think about this. It’s been a little over four weeks since the accident and almost three weeks since you’ve been home from the hospital. You remember us. You remember your dad and your job and all that good stuff. Fine, but you don’t remember Carmilla. You don’t know her. So think about it this way. You live with her right?” They stopped and looked up at Laura, waiting wide-eyed for a response.

“I know I’ve forgotten things but I haven’t gone completely off the deep end, LaF!”

_What the hell is wrong with my friends?!?_

“Okay, alright, good. So Carmilla’s your roommate then, right? I mean, you guys live together so that makes sense,” LaF said as they opened the notebook and started drawing lines across the page. They wrote the word ‘Roommate’ at the top of one of the boxes they’d drawn before briefly glancing back to Laura. “As far as that goes, what do you know about your roommate Carmilla? Just things that you’ve observed living with her.”

Laura watched as three sets of anxious eyes turned from LaF’s chart to her, waiting.

“Seriously? LaF, what in the hell-”

“Come on, L. Just let me try something here. If it doesn’t work, you can yell at us some more. Now, what have you noticed about your roommate Carmilla?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. I mean… she’s messy.”

“Okay, what else?” LaF said as they wrote down Laura’s answer.

“Um… she’s a photographer but she’s also really good at like drawing and painting stuff. She likes rock music and sometimes plays it really loud. And she has a lot of books because she likes to read.”

“Good, good. Keep going, L,” LaF said as they wrote down each answer.

“She’s a good cook. The majority of her wardrobe is black. Um… I don’t know! What is the point of this?” Laura sighed in frustration.

“Just trying a little experiment, okay? Now…” LaF turned to the other side of the chart and wrote the word ‘Friend’ at the top. “Would you say Carmilla is a friend of yours?”

“Well… yeah?” Laura said, testing out how the word sounded in her head. _Friend? That kind of feels weird but… it’s a million times better than roommate._ “Yeah, I would call her a friend.”

“So what do you know about your friend Carmilla? Not what you’ve observed because you usually know more personal details about friends so… what do you know about her?”

Laura paused for a moment, thinking about all of the things she’d discovered over the last month about Carmila from the stories she’d been told, all the little tidbits of information she’d learned coming to the surface and sitting on the tip of her tongue. But that wasn’t right, was it? No, what had she organically learned about Carmilla since she’d woken up in the hospital? What habits and details had she ascertained about the dark haired girl?

“She… she’s really sarcastic and snarky. And she’s really smart. She kind of has a dark sense of humor but she can be silly sometimes too. At least when no one else is around. She’s pretty. Like incredibly, over the top, unfairly gorgeous. She… she acts like a total badass but really she’s just a big softy. She’s really sweet and thoughtful. She’s… still messy.”

She looked up when her friends all chuckled.

“She… she smells really good. She’s super confident but can be incredibly vulnerable. She’s a total flirt. She can literally flirt just with a look. And she has all these nicknames for me. I don’t know where she comes up with all of them but they make me blush every single time. She does things for me without my asking or sometimes, without me even knowing I need it. She’s there for me when I’m sad and…” She glanced up at her three friends, noticing Danny and Perry smiling fondly at her and LaF giving her a big toothy grin. “What?”

“Laura, sweetie, I’m not trying to upset you again. We all understand we were wrong in just acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened and that the two of you were just status quo. But do you think maybe you might have a little crush on Carmilla?” She looked at Perry, eyes wide, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water.

_No, that’s not the point._

“Or… maybe more than a crush?” Danny asked.

“I… I mean…”

“Laura, dear, it’s okay. We’re not talking about anything more than a possible small romantic interest in her. If you do, that’s fine. It’s also fine if you don’t. If you only see her as a friend, we understand and you can be honest with us. We’re not going to judge you or run back and tell her everything you said today.”

“I… I…” She floundered again, already knowing what the answer was but that wasn’t the problem. “I know there’s something there you guys. I know there are feelings, okay? But it’s not… it’s just so confusing because I know it’s not what I’m supposed to feel for her. It’s not even a modicum of what she deserves or of what was apparently once there. She’s still a mystery to me and everything is so new and… guys how am I supposed to be madly in love with someone that I still don’t-”

“Wait, Frosh, no! No one is saying you’re supposed to be madly in love with her okay? We were putting too much pressure on you.”

“But it’s not just that! I mean, honestly, yes there’s been pressure and it’s coming from every direction. And it’s so overwhelming and scary. I’ve been trying to keep my head up and roll with it but I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t. But more than that… guys I don’t want to hurt her,” she said, feeling the burning sensation creeping up behind her eyes. _Dammit! No, I’m angry, I’m not sad. Stop it!_

“Why do you think you’re going to hurt her?” Danny asked. “Yeah, it’s not ideal but… Hollis, you wanted her more than anything in this world. You don’t remember that feeling but it’s true.”

“Because even if that’s true, what if I never get back there? What if… what if I never remember?” She looked around at her friends, feeling worse at the nervous glances they exchanged. “I mean, you guys, what if I’ve lost absolutely everything? Everything having to do with her? With the two of us? Permanently?”

“L, honestly, it’s a possibility. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a future with her. Unless… unless you don’t want to.” LaF sat their marker down and turned further in their seat towards Laura. “Do you think you might not want that?”

Laura looked away, unable to take her friend's intense stares anymore. What did she want? She knew she liked Carmilla. That part was easy. The hard part was having no idea if she’d ever feel what she felt before the accident. Not that she knew what those feelings felt like or were. But if she never regained her memory, she’d have to rely on developing those feelings naturally all over again. _And what if that doesn’t work? What if it never happens?_

She thought of Carmilla. Thought of her smile, her laugh. She thought about the way she got that little tingle in her chest whenever the girl’s intense dark eyes found her own. Thought of how happy she felt when she got to spend time with her, just the two of them. She thought of how her heart beat a little faster when she saw Carmilla first thing in the morning or when she walked through the door at the end of the day. She thought of that hopeful look in Carmilla’s eyes every time she reached for Laura’s hand and Laura didn’t pull away. She thought of all the things Carmilla had patiently done for her since she’d woken up in that stupid hospital bed, all with no strings attached.

_Why did I have to lose her? Why is she the only thing missing?_

“I… I don’t know where I’m going to end up. Where we’re going to end up. I… I don’t know what’s going to happen. But…” She trailed off, finally looking up at the three expectant faces in front of her. “But I don’t want to ignore the possibilities. I don’t want to just throw it all away. I don’t want to not try and just give her up.”

She watched as Danny and LaF smiled in relief, both opening their mouths to say something most likely encouraging when Perry stopped them, holding up at hand at each to silence them but keeping her eyes on Laura, her face completely serious.

“This is what you want, Laura? Think about it, very carefully. If we weren’t sitting here with you… if you were completely on your own and had to make this decision, would you still choose Carmilla? Would you still want to try with her?”

Laura thought more about the dark-haired girl. Her sweetness and chivalry. Her thoughtfulness and caring nature. Her rare silliness and flirtatiousness. Her amazing intelligence and drive. _Yes. Yes, I want to try._

She looked back at Perry and nodded, still feeling that intense burning behind her eyes. She knew it wouldn’t be long before the tears couldn’t be contained any longer.

“Okay,” Perry said, once again reaching across the table and taking Laura’s hand in her own, squeezing it encouragingly. “If that’s what you really want, we’re happy for you.”

“But… you guys that’s not going to solve everything. I mean, I can’t be her fiancée. Or her girlfriend. I’ve never even been on a date with her.”

“Well maybe that’s where you start, L. You start from the beginning. I mean, if there are no expectations from anyone, then that makes sense.”

Laura just turned her gaze back to the woodgrain in the table, clumsily tracing the patterns with her index finger, knowing it wasn’t that simple.

“But that’s not the worst part you guys. I mean, sure I can try to start over. I can ask her out on a date and we can try to start with a clean slate. But…” She took a deep breath, hating herself at that moment, not only for running to her friends like a coward but for everything that had happened in the last month. And for everything she’d done to hurt the woman she was supposed to love, despite the fact that she couldn’t remember causing the hurt all those years ago. “You guys, she keeps telling me about the two of us. About how we got together and started and all the stuff in between. I was definitely not winning girlfriend of the year awards back then. I hurt her so many times. Not on purpose, but still… and now… now I’m going to do it all over again. I’m going break her heart.” _Here they come,_ she thought, swiping at her wet cheeks.

“Laura, sweetie, it’s okay,” Perry said, quickly moving from her chair and around the table, wrapping Laura in a comforting hug as more and more tears leaked out. “Sweetheart, you can’t feel bad about being honest with her. I understand you don’t want to hurt her but Carmilla’s a big girl. She’ll understand.”

“This isn’t something that you just ‘understand’, Per.”

“The circumstances aren’t ideal but, Hollis, give her chance to try.”

“But what if I’m not worth it? She’s already been through enough shit with me that-”

“No, L, come on. Carmilla would take a bullet for you. That girl loves you more than anyone else in this whole world. It might not be easy, for either of you, but she knows you’re worth it.”

Laura just hung her head, unable to argue any further, wiping at her now puffy eyes, completely unconvinced. _This is never going to work. I’m going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m not even going to know all of what I lost._

“Okay, so… and don’t bite my head off here. I know that maybe a lot of this might be new revelations to you but have you talked to Drusilla about any of this? At all?”

“How can I? I mean, if I were in her shoes and the person I was in love with said any of this to me, it would crush me.”

“But just like it isn’t fair of us to put these expectations on you, is it fair for you to hide this from her?” LaF asked.

“But this is still going to hurt her so much.”

“What’s going to hurt her more though, L? You telling her what you just told us or running away?”

She looked back down at the table, feeling her shoulders sag even further, the shame from her behavior increasing tenfold. No, she didn’t want to hurt Carmilla, she knew that. But she’d done it anyway. Carmilla’s face from that morning flashed in her mind, so confused and wounded. She’d done that. That was all her fault.

“You’re right. I know, I’m sorry,” she said, picking at the edge of her cast, feeling more and more quiet tears cascade down her face.

“You don’t have to apologize, sweetie. We understand and we’re sorry too. We should’ve been more supportive and we will be, from now on,” Perry said, holding her tighter. She let herself rest her head on Perry’s shoulder, feeling the smallest amount of tension leave her body. At least she had her friends again. That was something, right?

_Just keep telling yourself that. Maybe you’ll start to believe it._

“Hollis, I get that this isn’t the best situation. I mean, it’s completely shitty. But it’s been almost a month now since the accident. Why didn’t you say something sooner? What the hell happened this morning that tipped you over the edge?”

“I just… I woke up and there she was. We were sleeping on opposite ends of the couch but I was… I was completely wrapped around her. Like arms, legs, everything. And she… she was holding me too. I felt her hand on my hip and I honestly thought she was awake at first because I could feel her thumb kind of moving back and forth. And it felt… it felt so damn good you guys. And all I could think about was how this isn’t fair! Because I can’t…” She paused for a hiccup and a teary thankful smile to Perry who inexplicably pulled a tissue out of nowhere to sop up her tears. “I can’t remember what it’s like… to wake up to her and feel her around me. And then it hit me that apparently, I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to be engaged to this woman but… I can’t be. And now… now I have to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to tell her that… Oh god, how do I tell her?”

“Why don’t you stay here and rest for a little bit, sweetie? Give yourself a little time to calm down. I’ll make us some breakfast and afterward, you can relax. Maybe get some sleep. You look tired.”

“But Carmilla doesn’t know where-”

“I texted her already. She knows you’re here and that you’re safe, L. I’m sorry. We didn’t know the situation this morning but we didn’t want her to worry.” Laura just nodded, still feeling horrible about the way she’d run out of the house. But she just needed a little longer to collect herself. She wasn’t ready to break Carmilla’s heart again just yet.

“How about chocolate chocolate chip pancakes? With whipped cream?” Perry asked, squeezing her shoulders and smiling gently. Laura only nodded and watched as Perry stood and made her way towards the stove. “Danny, would you like to stay?”

“Actually I promised the wife I’d be home asap. So… you good, Hollis?”

“We’ve got her. Go home to the missus. We’ll talk to you later,” LaF said, scooting their chair closer to Laura’s and squeezing her shoulder once. If she wasn’t so sad at the moment she probably would’ve laughed at the vast difference in styles of comfort between LaF and Perry.

“Alright, well let me know if you three want to do Wednesday pizza. We haven’t done that in a few weeks,” Danny said as she dropped her coffee mug in the sink and sent a small nod and a smile towards Laura. Laura attempted to smile back her thanks and watched as the tall girl meandered out.

“And then there were three…” LaF said with a small smile. “So, Frosh… tell us more about this girl you like. What’s her name? Camilla? Camille? Bad Seed USA?”

Laura couldn’t help the small, teary giggle that escaped. She leaned her head onto LaF’s shoulder, suddenly more than grateful for her friends.

“Thanks you guys. Really, I don’t… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Don’t sweat it, L. We’re used to being your voice of reason. We’ve been here with you before.”

* * *

**_Six Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

Laura sighed happily into one more soft kiss, her eyes opening slowly, dreamily as Carmilla pulled away.

“Later, cutie,” she said with a smirk before she turned and walked down the hallway towards the staircase. It was the first time she’d seen her in three days. Between classes, Carmilla’s job and her own work at the newspaper, they were hard-pressed to find much time together. She watched until Carmilla was out of sight, finally closing the door and leaning against it, smiling like an idiot.

“You are ridiculous,” LaF said with a chuckle, watching her from their seat on the couch.

“Don’t start in, LaFontaine, she’s happy,” Perry called from the kitchen, softly smiling to herself.

“I’m not! I’m just making an observation.”

“You know what? It doesn’t matter. Make fun all you want. Perry’s right, I am so happy,” Laura said as she pushed herself off the door and practically skipped into the kitchen, settling on to one of the stools there and spinning around a few times.

“Yeah, we can see that, Frosh.” Still chuckling, LaF stood up and walked towards the kitchen as well, taking the other available stool. “And we’re happy for you.” Perry just nodded in agreement, still smiling thoughtfully. “You know, I think this looks good on you, L. Love suits you.”

“What?!” Laura stopped her spinning, her smile gone, eyes wide, staring in panic at her redheaded friend.

“Um… uh… well…” LaF stared back, sporting their own look of panic and turning desperately to Perry for help.

“Why would you say that? Why would you think that I’m…”

“Laura, sweetie, it’s okay,” Perry said, setting down the cookie sheet filled with still hot snickerdoodles and walking around the counter. “Calm down, deep breaths. You’re going to hyperventilate.”

Laura gripped the counter with white knuckles, realizing Perry was right and the choking feeling in her chest had taken over. But that didn’t matter because she couldn’t be… she wasn’t…

“No. No. No. I can’t… I mean… that can’t be right. I can’t be…”

“You don’t have to be, L. We just thought-”

“We? You both… have you guys been talking about me behind my back again?”

“No, Laura, we just assumed… you and Carmilla just seem to be doing very well together. She seems to make you happy and we just thought that-”

“That what? That I’m in love with Carmilla? Why? Because she makes me happy? I mean, yes she does. She makes me incredibly happy. She’s incredible! She’s sweet and thoughtful, and kind and respectful, and yes, I love being around her. I love spending time with her. But that doesn’t mean… oh my god!”

“L?”

“I do. I love Carmilla. I’m in love with Carmilla. When the hell did that happen?!?”

“Laura, sweetie, it’s okay,” Perry said, rubbing a soothing hand over her back.

“But how in the hell did this happen? How did this happen and I didn’t even realize it? I mean, how did I fall in love without knowing?”

“Sometimes it just happens, L,” LaF said, turning and smiling softly at Perry, who’s cheeks tinted slightly.

“Oh god you guys. I mean yes, you’re adorable and I love but you, but so not the same situation. You two have been destined for each other since birth. Carmilla and I just met last year. We’ve only known each other for a few months.”

“Alright, but, Laura, dear, it’s true, sometimes it just happens. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Carmilla is very good to you.”

“I have to admit it, Frosh, when you first started crushing on her, I definitely didn’t see this coming but Per’s got a point. She treats you right. And there’s nothing wrong with having feelings for her. I mean, it’s a good thing. Love’s great. And it’s not so scary. Especially after you admit it. Once you tell her-”

“No! I cannot tell her! I’ll send her running for this hills if I do.”

“Why do you think that? Who’s to say if you told her, she wouldn’t say it back?”

“You know we’re talking about Carmilla right?”

“Laura, dear, nothing has sent her running so far. Why would this be any different?”

“Because she’s Carmilla! She’s amazing and perfect and can have anyone she wants!”

“And she apparently wants you, L. I  mean come on, you guys have been together for a bit now. Maybe she feels the same way about you.”

“Yeah well, unless you can prove that, I think this conversation is over and I’m going to pretend it never happened,” she said, hopping off the stool and tripping over her own two feet in her rush to get away from her two best friends and her terrifying revelation.

“Laura, sweetie, you can’t do that. You can’t just stop feeling a certain way because it’s a little scary.”

“And I may not be able to provide scientific proof of Carmilla’s feelings for you but anyone can see she’s crazy about you, L. I mean, literally, the girl has nothing but disgusting heart eyes for you.”

Laura thought about that. She’d seen the heart eyes and the longing looks. And she knew Carmilla treated her better than any previous girlfriend. Not that she had a long list to compare to but even if she did, she knew Carmilla would still win that category by a landslide. And she wasn’t going to argue the fact that Carmilla cared about her. She knew that too. She knew she was important to the dark-haired girl, but that didn’t mean Carmilla loved her. That didn’t mean Carmilla was **in love** with her.

“I see the wheels turning, L. Don’t overthink this. You don’t have to tell her or say anything.”

“That’s right, Laura, if you’re not ready or comfortable, you can wait. But you don’t have to be scared either. Carmilla’s a great girlfriend. And even if you did tell her and even if she didn’t say it back, she would never make you feel bad about it or run for the hills as you say.”

Laura wanted to believe that. She really did. But Carmilla…

_I still don’t even know how in the hell I landed this girl. If I tell her I’ve fallen in love with her, she’ll be gone before I can blink. No. No, I can’t tell her. Things are so good between us and if I tell her, that’ll ruin everything._

She looked up into the eager faces of her best friends and felt an ache in her chest that she’d never felt before. She shook her head and turned, walking into her room and softly closing the door without another word.

* * *

  ** _Present_ **

It was after midnight when Laura quietly unlocked the door and stepped into the house, peering into the darkness and listening for any sound to indicate Carmilla was home. It seemed quieter than normal, which left her feeling even more disarmed.

She was tired and her entire body ached, partially, she guessed from being so emotionally stressed and tense all day and partly from sleeping on that godforsaken couch.

_Poor Carm. She’s been sleeping on that damn thing this whole time and it’s all my fault. Just another tick mark in the category of Laura’s screwups._

She hung her keys on the hook by the door and made sure to lock the deadbolt behind her. Kicking off her shoes, she stepped further into the house and turned on the light over the kitchen table, her eyes adjusting from the soft glow it cast over half of the room. She turned and quietly tiptoed towards the living room, peering around the wall and catching sight of the small form lying prone on the couch. _Carmilla._

She leaned against the corner of the wall, watching the dark-haired girls chest slowly rise and fall. She took in the soft planes of her face in the moonlight, feeling something flutter in her stomach.

She’d been so angry at Carmilla. The dark haired girl had held back so much from her all those years ago. All those feelings of hurt and that painful vulnerability. And here Laura was, running out and hiding from her when her own feelings got to be too much to handle. She had so much to apologize for.

She liked Carmilla. A lot. She was absolutely amazing and she was lucky to have her in her life, regardless of how or what form that relationship was. But she had to bite the bullet and be honest with her. She couldn’t keep up the quiet charade. She owed her that much.

Sighing softly she glanced at the sleeping girl one last time. She wanted to try. She really did. She just hoped she hadn’t messed it up too badly.

_I hope I’m not too late._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again so much. I realize not everyone's going to be a fan of this story and, please if you have a critique or criticism, I welcome it. I actually think most writers do because it helps us get better. But when you do have a criticism, you have to remember that these stories are being written for fun and enjoyment. There's no money or fame in it. I work my full-time job 40+ hours every week and have a regular life. I also spend literally hours every week working on this so to all of you who take the time time to read, please know I appreciate you. To all of you who take the time to comment, you are beyond amazing and my heroes.
> 
> Additional side note and completely off topic, if anyone else out there was born with an 85 year old soul like I was, you might have caught the majority of old song references (all of which were popular waaaaay before I was born) being used as chapter titles. And if you have, yay!
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	16. Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of two idiots. Kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought in italics.
> 
> Another angsty one. And I'm sorry this coincided with today's sad news on KindaTV.

Sighing once again, she looked back down at the note on the counter, reading it once more and feeling her stomach anxiously clench. She shouldn’t have been surprised to find it there that morning.

_After all, it’s not like she owes you anything after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You should be ashamed of yourself._

And she was. She was utterly mortified and filled with relentless guilt but of course, there was nothing she could do about that now. She couldn’t turn back the clock and stop herself from running to her friends like a coward. She couldn’t erase the pained look on Carmilla’s face when she’d snapped at her. She couldn’t take back the sadness and distress she’d caused the dark-haired girl.

She’d finally fallen asleep the night before after tossing and turning for hours, her heart physically aching as she remembered what she’d done that day and at the thought of the anguish, she was sure to cause the next. The clock on the bedside table had read 3:30 AM before she finally drifted off to a restless sleep. When she’d woken up hours later, she was horrified to discover it was already well after eleven. She quickly threw herself from the bed and tore into the hallway, sliding on the hardwood, only slowing down once she finally reached the living room. She’d peered around the corner, her heart dropping when she saw it was empty. Carmilla wasn’t there.

_Shit! Well, where is she?_

She helplessly walked back into the deserted kitchen, at a loss of what to do. Looking around she noticed her favorite tardis mug sitting alone in the middle of the counter. _Definitely doesn’t belong there._ She approached it, seeing the piece of paper underneath it and immediately released the breath she didn’t realize she was holding, her shoulders sagging in defeat.

_Laura,_

_Spending the day with Mattie and Will, if it_ _matters._

_Carmilla_

It had been like a bucket of ice water to her face. _Jesus, if it matters?! Oh my god, I fucked up so bad._ And she’d signed the note Carmilla. _Not Carm._

Laura slumped down at the counter, the air completely taken out of her. How could she start to fix this if Carmilla wasn’t even there? How could she make it right?

She’d picked up her phone at least a dozen times, tempted to explain everything but she couldn’t do that. She owed it to Carmilla to at least face her. She owed it to her to look her in the eye when she apologized and explained herself. However, she couldn’t leave Carmilla thinking all day that she didn’t care. That she didn’t matter. She had to say something and after more time debating than was necessary, she settled on something simple.

 **Laura (11:48AM):** I saw your note. I’ll just see you when you get home.

She immediately regretted the text as soon as she sent it. It was so cold and impersonal, and not at all where she wanted this conversation to start. But it was too late. And really, what more could she do? She needed to have the older girl there, in front of her, face to face if she really wanted to try and repair what had been broken.

She stared at her phone for the longest time, willing Carmilla to respond with something, anything to give her an opening to at least let her know she wanted to talk. The minutes ticked by slowly, each one seeming to take longer than the last. Finally remembering the old adage about the watched pot never boiling, she made her way to the shower and spent more time than necessary getting ready for the day. After all, she had no plans to leave the house. She wasn’t going to miss the chance to catch Carmilla if and when she came home. After she was finally dressed, she walked back out to the kitchen and glanced at her phone, her heart sinking even further.

 **Carmilla (12:52PM):** I’ll be late. Don’t wait up.

“Okay, alright. I deserve that,” she said to herself, anxiously fingering the corners of her phone.

What could she say back to that? _Nothing. You screwed this up so bad, Hollis._

“Shit.”

Aside from Carmilla’s text, there were a number of messages from her friends in a group text as well, all asking how she was, how things had gone, and if she needed anything.

_I have to do this on my own. I can’t keep running to them. I need to work this out with just Carmilla._

**Laura (1:06PM):** Still working on everything but I’m fine you guys. I need to do this on my by myself. Consider yourself all officially dismissed from Laura babysitting duty.

 **Perry (1:07PM):** Are you sure, dear?

 **Danny (1:07PM):** You got this, Hollis.

 **LaF (1:07PM):** Per, have you seen my stegosaurus socks?

 **LaF (1:08PM):** Oops wrong text. Go get ‘em, Frosh!

Laura felt the small giggle rumble in her chest for a brief second before frowning once again. She set her phone down and sighed, looking around the brightly lit room, feeling the unusual warmth of the late October sun streaming through the windows. It felt wrong for it to be such a beautiful day when the mood hanging over her was so dark and dreary.

She knew it was going to be a long day, waiting for Carmilla to come home but she’d wait. What else did she have to do?

* * *

Three loads of laundry, a complete once over cleaning on the house with a fine tooth comb, and four hours later, Laura finally sat down in the middle of the living room sofa. She pulled her legs underneath her and leaned forward, picking at the frayed edges of her cast as she stared down at her phone, sitting silently on the coffee table in front of her. She’d kept it nearby all day in hopes of hearing from Carmilla, but knowing deep down that she wouldn’t. And lo and behold, she was right.

“You reap what you sow, Hollis.”

She’d, of course, heard the stories of Carmilla shutting down and shutting her out. And she’d even dealt with it to a minor extent when the situation had become too much for the dark-haired girl to handle. But right now, this feeling of being completely cut off from the woman she’d grown to depend on over the last few weeks was crushing her.

On the table next to her phone sat another photo album she’d found earlier that day. The damn thing had literally fallen down on top of her as she was struggling to put some of their clean clothes onto one of the higher shelves of the bedroom closet. She’d initially found it curious just how many physical photos they had in the house. After all, wasn’t it the twenty-first century? And then she’d walked into the kitchen one day, seeing Carmilla sitting there, cleaning her equipment and almost smacked herself in the face for her own ignorance.

_You live with a photographer dummy._

Of course, Carmilla’s occupation only made things harder. Laura had found herself further avoiding photos since the day Carmilla had left the first photobook out for her to look at on her own. The fear of the unknown and the terrifying idea that nothing would be familiar kept her curiosity in check. But that curiosity had slowly been eating away at her over the last week and she needed to try and move forward. She couldn’t stay here in limbo forever, just hoping for a miracle. Whether her memories came back or not, she had to face the fact that life was still going on around her and she was missing out. Maybe looking at the pictures wouldn’t spark anything but that didn’t mean she couldn’t benefit from them.

She opened the book, smiling immediately at the photo on the very first page. It was definitely taken a few years after she and Carmilla had met. She could tell just by the way they both looked a little older than they did in the photos from the previous book as well as some of the other obvious additions in the picture. She also recognized the surroundings in the background as she’d been to the spot many times over the years. It was the lake near the cabin Mel’s parents owned. The group had spent many long weekends there during the warmer months but the trips had tapered off over the years as everyone graduated and it started to become more and more difficult to get everyone together at the same time for multiple days. Regardless, she still had many fond memories of long weekends there with her friends.

She ran her fingertips over the edges of the photo, taking in every little detail she could. It was a bright sunny day and the group had clearly been enjoying the beach and the water if the swimsuits and slight sunburns were any indication. LaF and Perry stood on the right side, arms around each other, both caught mid-giggle. On the left side, Danny stood, arms wrapped around Betty from behind, the two smiling sweetly at each other. _Ugh, so gross,_ Laura thought with a small chuckle. In the foreground Mel and Kirsch made goofy faces at the camera, Kirsch’s outstretched arm clearly indicating he’d taken the photo. And right in the middle, standing ankle deep in the lake was Carmilla, laughing at the camera, keeping Laura aloft on her back, hands wrapped under her knees and Laura’s arms wrapped around her neck from behind. Despite the fact that her lips were attached to Carmilla’s cheek, she could still see the bright smile on  
her face in the photo.

She turned the next few pages, taking in details from more pictures, apparently from the same trip, everyone laughing and happy. The final one she noticed was taken at sunset, though she had no idea who actually took the picture. But that didn’t really matter. She recognized the large deck off the back of the house, overlooking the water. It was one of the best places to be at that time of day as the sun glinted off the lake perfectly, reflecting back the subtle oranges and soft purples. The picture was just her and Carmilla, both of their backs to the camera, standing at the railing and watching the beautiful sight. They stood there, Carmilla behind her, holding her close, both of them tucked into the red and black flannel the dark-haired girl was wearing. Laura could see her own head tucked back into Carmilla’s neck as they watch the sun descend.

 _This… this is what I’ve lost,_ she thought as she felt her eyes begin to water. _God, I’m so sick of crying!_ She angrily wiped at her cheeks, catching the first few tears before they made tracks down her face and leaned back onto the couch, the book still firmly nestled in her lap.

 _I can’t lose this. I won’t lose this,_ she thought resolutely, turning the page and continuing down non-memory lane.

* * *

Carmilla stared down into the glass, swirling the remainder of her high ball and mostly melted ice around it in soft, waveless patterns. She’d been nursing the same drink for the past hour, continually brushing off the offer from the smiling, overly flirtatious bartender to freshen it up for her.

The bar was loud but not overwhelmingly so. Of course, Mattie would find a place like this, having always had an affectionate flair for the past. _It’s like we stepped back_ _into the twenties,_ she thought, finally tossing back the remaining watered down liquor and softly setting the glass back down onto the ring of condensation it had left. Exposed brick, low lit chandeliers, grainy woodwork on the bar and tables, sultry jazz softly playing from the darkened corners.

She glanced up to her right, watching her sister smiling seductively and working on her victim for the night. Across the way, a little further, Will already had the girl he was hoping to snag on the line and had escorted her to one of the back booths.

There was a time when she would’ve been right there with them, singling out a pretty, unsuspecting target and using her undeniable charm and charisma to lure her in for the night, getting what she wanted before cutting her loose. That had been a long time ago though and looking back now, she really didn’t miss it in the slightest. No, the only thing she missed was Laura.

 _My Laura,_ she internally corrected herself with a frustrated shake of the head.

It felt weird to think of Laura in multiple contexts because it wasn’t like Laura had purposely gone out and changed herself into someone else or made a choice that would tear them apart. No, they hadn’t been given a choice. Either one of them.

_But here we are, fucking stuck in this hell where she doesn’t want me anymore and I can’t do a damn thing about it._

And quite frankly, she was pissed. Pissed that she’d lost the girl she loved. Pissed that she had no control over whatever might come in the future. Pissed that Laura apparently couldn’t make up her mind. And dammit, she was wasn’t just pissed at the situation anymore. She was pissed **at** Laura.

_Fucking hell._

She’d woken up that morning, exhausted after another mostly fitful night of sleep, grumpy and aching from her less than ideal accommodations. She’d contemplated taking the bed the night before but that had lasted about ten minutes before it became too much. The smell of Laura had enveloped her completely and, while normally she would’ve basked in it, it was not a normal night and she found herself quickly bolting from the room, her breathing fast and harsh in terrifying panic, and finding her way back to the uncomfortable confines of the couch.

She rubbed her still sleep filled eyes and stumbled up from her makeshift bed, groggy and a little disoriented, and out of the room, heading straight for the medicine cabinet in the master bathroom.

 _I should’ve bought stock in Tylenol before this shit show started,_ she thought as she cracked and popped her way down the hall. The door the to the bedroom was slightly ajar but she paid it no attention as she pushed it open and stepped into the room.

“Fuck!” She quickly slapped her hand over her mouth, realizing her outburst had been loud enough to wake the sleeping girl lying there in the bed.

 _Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck, when did she get home?_ She quickly and quietly stepped out of the room, suddenly wide awake and on alert. _Why is she here? She’s supposed to be holed up with the ginger squad, hiding out from anything remotely resembling me!_

This was not the plan for the day. She’d been convinced that she wouldn’t see Laura again for at least another day. Maybe two. After all, Laura had taken an overnight bag with her the previous morning. Carmilla was counting on the time apart because she needed that time to wrap her mind around the entirety of the situation and figure out just what in the hell she was going to do. She still wasn’t sure how she was going to handle the situation. But now…

“Fucking shit!” she whisper-yelled, running a frustrated hand through her hair.

Laura was there but now what? And why? She hadn’t heard anything more from LaF the previous day on Laura’s state of mind so she honestly had no idea what to expect when the tiny brunette woke up. Would she want to talk about what happened? Did she want to just pretend like it was a normal day and that the day before had never occurred? If she did want to talk about it, what would she have to say?

_‘Oh, sorry, Carm, I just realized I’m not in love with you anymore and since I can’t remember anything, oh well. Maybe we can be friends.’ Big smile. Soft pat on the shoulder._

“Goddamnit, this is so not fair!”

And it wasn’t just unfair to her. She knew that. She knew it was just as unfair to Laura. But that didn’t give Laura the right to just decide for both of them or to come and go as she pleased. She’d run off in a huff just twenty-four hours earlier, no explanation, and now she thought she could just come back and sneak in like it was no big deal?

_She should’ve woken me up. She could’ve at least told me she was home. She could’ve at least just told me she was okay._

“Goddamnit!”

Now **she** was angry. It was her turn. Maybe Laura couldn’t remember the last seven years but Carmilla had spent the past few weeks telling the girl about their start and what they’d been through. She’d helped her in any way she could, whether Laura had asked her to or not. She’d stood by the woman she loved because that’s what you did when someone you cared about was hurt. She didn’t deserve to be treated this way. She deserved more. She deserved some kindness, some courtesy, some respect.

Practically growling she turned and quickly made her way to the other bathroom to get ready for the day. The Tylenol would have to wait.

“You sure I can’t get you another one?” She looked up, startled out of her thoughts to see the same bartender staring back at her, the girl’s seductive eyes and suggestive smile focused solely on Carmilla. “On me. I’d be happy to… offer you whatever you’d like.”

Carmilla smirked. She knew this game very well. She’d used the same tactics for years, sometimes for a bigger tip but mostly for some company later on that night. Shaking her head in amusement and smiling back at the girl, she reached into her pocket.

“Sure, I’ll take another. But don’t bother wasting the charm on me, doll,” she said as she threw a ten down on the bar and looked away, hoping to end any further flirtations pleasantries.

“You know, that’s no way to treat the help, kitty cat.”

“Ugh, piss off, Mattie,” she said, not even bothering to thank the bartender for the fresh drink she’d just placed in front of her.

“This whole moodier than thou attitude you’ve got going on is definitely not going to win you any favor points dear.”

“I’m not trying to win any favor points. Unlike you, I’m not here to pick up someone to take home for the night.”

“Then why are you here?” Mattie looked away for a moment, smiling charmingly at the man in the suit she’d left only moments before. Picking up the two drinks she’d just been served, she turned and stepped away. “Either go home and face Lolita or get over it. All this sulking is going to leave you with early frown lines.” And with that, she walked away, back to her company for the evening.

Carmilla just shook her head, rolling her eyes at Mattie’s predictable and brutally honest perspective. Of course, her sister thought it was that easy. But it just wasn’t, no matter how much she wanted it to be.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, unlocking it and finding herself not at all surprised that she hadn’t heard anything more from Laura during the rest of the day. Part of her got even angrier about that. How dare Laura avoid her even further? She’d come home the previous night so everything was going to come to a head sooner rather than later. Why bother keeping Carmilla on edge? Why not just call a spade a spade and tell Carmilla the truth? Tell her that it was over. That they were over. The other part of her, however, was grateful she hadn’t heard from the tiny brunette. She needed some time and some space to calm herself down and figure out what she was going to do. Did she want Laura in her life? Of course. There was no question about that fact. But now that she knew that Laura was no longer in love with her, could she really handle a simple friendship between the two of them?

Mattie’s words from the previous day echoed through her mind: ‘You made her fall in love with you once you little monster. Nothing is stopping you from doing it again.’

 _Except that’s not true._ She hadn’t made Laura fall in love with her before. They’d fallen for each other. No one had been trying, it had just happened, organically. And honestly, even after they’d admitted it to one another, it had taken Carmilla a while for her to understand that Laura really did love her. That she wasn’t just looking to get something out of Carmilla for her own gain. That Carmilla really was worth it.

She took a long pull from the glass in front of her and sighed. Regardless of whether Laura wanted her in her life or not, Carmilla knew she was going to have her heart broken. And she honestly wasn’t in a hurry to deal with that.

* * *

**_Six Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

_Beautiful. So fucking incredibly beautiful._ Carmilla turned onto her side and settled more comfortably, her hand supporting her head as she stared down at the tiny brunette next to her, sleeping soundly. She smiled as Laura murmured quietly in her sleep and snuggled further down into the pillow beneath her, pulling the sheet tighter to her chest. Carmilla’s eyes flicked down, tracing the contours of the exposed skin and perfect collarbones.

Laura had stopped by earlier in the evening, loaded down with her backpack, Chinese food, and an overnight bag, both girls ecstatic to be able to spend some uninterrupted time together. Not that she’d really need anything beyond clothes for the next day. Carmilla had placed an extra toothbrush in the holder the week after Laura had gotten back from Toronto and she absolutely never needed pajamas due to of the hours of extracurricular activities that never failed to completely overwhelm them into the early morning hours.

And tonight had been no exception. They’d managed to make it through the food, Laura managed to finish up an assignment for her Political Science class, and they were halfway into an episode of Firefly on Laura’s laptop before Carmilla had gotten bored and decided kissing Laura was a much better use of her time.

Now, hours later, Carmilla had woken up, untangled their limbs and trudged to the kitchen for a glass of water. When she’d returned, she’d been unable to look away from the sight of her gorgeous girlfriend lying there, sleeping so peacefully.

 _How in the hell did I get so lucky?_ she thought as she reached out and gently tucked a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear, lowering her hand down to the side of Laura’s neck, her fingertips gently grazing, her thumb gently stroking across her pouty lips. She smiled when Laura turned into her touch, the younger girl once again letting out a soft murmur.

Her eyes traced over the contours of Laura’s face, taking in every individual feature. Every freckle, every bump, every minute detail her eyes could find in the dark. The smaller girl was so absolutely perfect it made Carmilla’s heart throb.

It had been a struggle, keeping herself in check over the last week since the epiphany heard round the world. Even though they hadn’t had much time together, every time she was with Laura, she found herself practically biting her tongue to keep the words from leaving her mouth. She could **not** tell Laura that she was in love with her. It would ruin everything if she did.

This amazing girl… Carmilla stared down at her, terrified and frozen. Laura was the first girl she’d ever loved. Not only that, she was the first person Carmilla had broken down some of her walls for in years. The first person she thought she might be willing to break down all her walls for if given the chance. If she lost her, it would be devastating. If Laura rejected her, she’d be crushed. Completely shattered.

“Hey… Carm?” She looked up, seeing Laura sleepily blinking back at her. “What’re you doing?”

 _Busted._ She felt the unpleasant thoughts melt away and smiled, leaning in a little closer and leaving only a few inches between their faces as she got lost in those honey brown eyes she loved so much.

“Didn’t mean to wake you, cutie. Just… admiring the gorgeous girl laying here next to me.”

“Mmm…” Laura giggled, reaching up and cupping the dark-haired girl’s cheek, running her thumb gently back and forth. “Charmer.”

“Go back to sleep, cupcake,” she said, turning and leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s palm.

“But you’re awake,” Laura said, moving her arm to wrap around Carmilla’s torso, gripping her hip with the other and pulling the dark-haired girl on top of her with ease.

“That’s a terrible argument, cutie. Besides, it’s late.”

“But I don’t want to lose out on time with you. You have to work tomorrow night and I’ll miss you,” Laura said, gently running her fingertips along Carmilla’s sides, smiling up at the dark-haired girl when she jumped from a particularly ticklish spot.

Carmilla stared down at her, eyebrow raised, noting the mischievous smile continuing to grow as Laura’s hands inched slowly back towards the spot.

“Don’t even think about it, Hollis.” Laura just giggled and wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s back instead, her lips changing to a softer smile.

“Seriously… I do miss you. I know that’s stupid but it’s been so hard since the holidays and our schedules changing. I feel like we hardly have any time together and it… it really sucks, Carm.”

“I know.” She adjusted herself further, letting their legs tangle below the blankets, holding herself up on her elbows. “I… I miss you too.”

“Maybe I can come by tomorrow night? After you get home from work?”

“Creampuff, it’ll be after three by the time I get home. I don’t want to keep you up and waiting that long.”

“Well, maybe I can come by the bar and wait for you?”

“You’re going to sit there for hours, in a loud bar with a bunch of drunk idiots, and just watch me work? You don’t have anything better to do?” Carmilla asked with a smirk, leaning in to let her lips brush a soft kiss against Laura’s chin.

“I mean, it’s not ideal but at least I’d get to see you. You’re… you’re worth it, Carm.”

She felt the smirk fall from her lips as she looked down at the beautiful face below her, Laura’s eyes soft and earnest.

 _I’m worth it?_ It was such a small thing but when had she ever been worth it to anyone else? When had she ever been enough?

“Laura, I…” She looked into the smaller girls eyes, feeling that overwhelming ache inside her taking over. But she couldn’t say the words. She’d only scare Laura away if she did and then what? She’d be all alone again.

“What it is?” Laura asked, looking up at her, soft eyes, gentle smile, blushing cheeks.

_Fuck, I love her so goddamn much._

She just smiled at the smaller girl and leaned down, letting their lips meet in a soft kiss that quickly escalated into something more.

* * *

**_Present_ **

Carmilla quietly entered the house, confused when she saw all the lights still on. It was well after midnight and she honestly didn’t expect for Laura to be waiting up for her. Or at least, she’d hoped the stubborn brunette wouldn’t be awake and ready to talk when she walked inside. She closed the door behind her and listened, easily catching the sound of the television from the living room.

 _Shit._ She sighed and kicked off her boots, realizing she couldn’t avoid this any longer. She was going to have to face Laura and deal with the very real fact that they were most likely over. That she had permanently lost the love of her life. She took a deep breath before she slowly rounded the corner and stopped at the sight.

It was a familiar one and one that usually made her smile. Laura lay on the couch, empty mug in front of her, Harry Potter book lying across her chest, remote in hand, asleep. Carmilla stepped closer, carefully taking the book off her chest and setting it on the table next to the smaller girls phone.

She stared down at the girl there, feeling her stomach flutter uncontrollably. _Goddamnit._ Laura was even more beautiful now than she was that night all those years ago. Carmilla’s eyes traced all the features she knew by heart before moving on to the light pink scars above her eyebrow and across her chin, additions that she’d already committed to memory. Those scars would always be a reminder of what had been lost. Of what they had lost.

She kneeled down beside the couch, continuing to watch as Laura’s chest gently rose and fell, none the wiser of Carmilla’s presence in the room. She felt her heart melt at the sweet sight. Her Laura… her sweet and wonderful Laura.

She closed her eyes tight and breathed in deeply through her nose, the anger she’d been holding on to all day warring with the undeniable love she had for the younger girl. The emotions battled back and forth, making her sick to her stomach.

Opening her eyes she watched for another moment before standing. Nothing was going to get solved tonight. It was late and she was tired. Laura could break her heart tomorrow.

Thinking over her options, she finally made a decision, selfish as it was and reached for the remote, tightly gripped in Laura’s hand to turn off the television. She switched off the lamp on the end table near Laura’s feet and grabbed the blanket she’d been using for the last few weeks, opening it and letting it softly flutter over Laura’s body. Making sure the smaller girl was completely tucked in, she glanced at her one more time before turning and walking out of the room.

* * *

Laura woke up slowly, confused and hazy.

_Where the hell am I?_

She looked around the room, attempting to make out anything familiar to indicate where she was. As her eyes adjusted and she took in her surroundings, she sighed and snuggled back further into the couch, remembering why she was there in the first place. She reached for her phone on the coffee table, noting it was almost dead, she had no missed messages and it was just after four in the morning. Sighing in defeat, she partially sat up, running a tired hand through her hair.

_I guess Carm didn’t come home._

“Guess I deserve that too,” she whispered sadly. “How in the hell am I going to fix this?”

She put her phone back down and sat up more fully, swinging her feet onto the floor and pulling the blanket off.

 _Wait, where did this come from,_ she thought, still gripping it and looking at it curiously. She definitely wasn’t using it earlier. She’d thought about curling up with it, sure. But after Carmilla’s cold reaction that morning, she felt it would be an invasion of the dark-haired girl’s space and decided against it. _And the TV and the lights… who turned them off?_ Suddenly curious, she stood and slowly made her way out of the living room, looking for any signs of anyone else in the house.

 _Carm’s boots. And her keys._ With the soft moonbeams dancing across the room from the glass patio doors, it was easy to make out the objects in their places by the front door. _Wait, if she came home… where is she?_ She quickly and quietly made her way towards their bedroom, anxiously peeking her head inside but noticing the bed lay empty.

“Where the heck is she?” She stopped and turned, listening for anything that would help guide her but the house was completely silent. Shuffling back down the hall, she glanced into the guest room and was just able to make out a figure curled up on the gray chaise lounge sitting in the back corner.

_Carm._

She listened, hearing the soft, even breathing of the dark-haired girl who lay cramped and curled onto her side, using her leather jacket for a blanket. Turning and quickly tiptoeing back to their bedroom, she grabbed the spare throw off the end of the bed and tiptoed back. Carmilla didn’t move as Laura carefully pulled her jacket out of the sleeping girls grasp and softly lay the blanket over her in its place. She watched as Carmilla curled further into the blanket, unconsciously pulling it up to her chin. There were no windows in this room since it sat on the inside of the building. But that didn’t stop Laura from gazing at the dark-haired girl, her face so peaceful and soft.

_She’s so amazing. So beautiful._

Dammit, she was going to fix this. How? She didn’t know. When? She had no idea. What was she going to do? She was drawing a blank. She had no idea how to make this work. And maybe she couldn’t. But she had to try. She couldn’t just throw Carmilla away. She couldn’t lose this  
incredible woman.

She took one last look at her before she turned and quietly walked out of the room. She pulled the door closed behind her and slowly shuffled towards the kitchen knowing there was no way she was going to get any more sleep for the night, so there was no point in trying.

Starting some coffee, she slipped back down the hallway for the quickest shower she’d ever taken, coming back into the kitchen just as it was time to press the plunger down on her caffeine. She poured herself a full cup and sat down at the table to wait. It was just now after five but she wasn’t sure what else she could do while she waited. Turning to look out the patio doors, she watched the moon, seeming to take up half the sky in all its radiance. It still amazed her how life kept going when she felt like she was just standing still.

* * *

It was quiet but she’d been listening hard for the past hour. There was no way she was going to let Carmilla slip out again and she knew it couldn’t be too much longer before the dark-haired girl arose. She took another sip from the steaming mug in front of her, already feeling the jittery backlash, which wasn’t surprising.

_Pile three cups of coffee on top of already being beyond nervous, what do you expect, Hollis?_

She fingered the handle of the mug, turning and glancing out the patio door behind her again. The sun was barely visible behind the clouds already forming in the distance and she could see the storm brewing on the horizon.

She could do this, she just had to be honest with Carmilla. She knew the dark-haired girl loved her and she wasn’t looking to use that as leverage, but it might work to her advantage if she could at least get Carmilla to see that she really did want to try. No, they couldn’t be engaged anymore. They’d be starting at the beginning. But there was still hope. Hope for a future, new and bright. If she could just get Carmilla to believe her because the thought of losing the amazing woman in the other room made her sick to her stomach.

She turned, pulled from her own head when she heard a quiet shuffle coming from down the hall. Sitting forward in the kitchen chair, she felt her nerves shoot up tenfold and she anxiously gripped the coffee mug in front of her, swallowing hard as she watched Carmilla finally round the corner.

Their eyes met and she felt her stomach drop dramatically as she took in the cold and indifferent look on Carmilla’s face. This was it. This was the moment she’d been waiting for. It was now or never. Swallowing once more, she attempted a soft smile, anxiously noting Carmilla’s  
face didn’t change.

“Good morning.”

“Hey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah... sorry...
> 
> As always, thank you all so much for taking the time to read and for those who comment, you are too kind.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	17. If You Would Only Love Me Like You Used To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where do they go from here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I wasn't going to make everyone sit on the edge for a whole week.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

She knew Laura had found her as soon as she’d woken up. Her leather jacket gone and replaced by the soft throw covering her body was clue enough, nevermind the fact that the door was now closed. She’d purposely left it open the night before just in case. In case of what, she really wasn’t sure. But at the time it felt like the right thing to do.

She laid there on the chaise for a good twenty minutes, thinking over what was undoubtedly waiting for her outside of the office. Surprisingly, she just wanted to get it over with. She was sick of the push and pull, of the constant unspoken questions and lack of answers. It had been weeks of walking around on eggshells, worrying over if she was doing right or wrong by Laura, and honestly, it didn’t even matter. Her Laura was gone and when she went, their relationship went with her.

Carmilla felt the same anger from the day before sitting in the pit of her stomach, grinding away mercilessly as the seconds ticked by. She didn’t want to approach this with that venom in her chest but it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. What else could she do besides lock it deep down inside? There was no other way to ease the frustration. It had been a long time since she’d blocked Laura off but given the circumstances, maybe it was best to just put on her blank face. No sense in making a public forum out of this. She would just rip off the band-aid as quickly and quietly as possible, and let it go. Let them go.

 _Yeah, like it’s really that easy._ But it had to be that way. Laura wasn’t going to just fall back into her arms and, despite her enormous frustration, Laura didn’t necessarily deserve her wrath either. If she just cut her loose, maybe they could salvage something. A friendship? A rapport of some sort? _You’re fucking dreaming, Karnstein if you think you’ll ever be able to be just friends with Laura Hollis and not be head over heels in love with her until the day you die._

She threw the blanket off and slowly sat up, gripping the edges of the chaise tightly as she stared at the closed office door. Even though there was nothing but silence beyond it, she doubted Laura wasn’t up and waiting.

Years ago, she’d been the master of avoidance, but with Laura, things had been different. Of course, it had taken time to get to the point where she was confident enough to not push Laura away when things got hard or uncomfortable. They’d worked through it and Laura had become her rock but all of that was gone now. She had to stand on her own and face that. She had to face the fact that Laura didn’t love her, didn’t want her, and that their lives were about to change into something very different.

 _Fuck,_ she thought, rubbing her hand across her face. _This is going to leave a mark._

Taking a deep breath, she left the room and shambled down the hall, rounding the corner to find Laura’s eager eyes already on her. She tried to ignore how beautiful the tiny brunette looked, sitting there in the dark blue sweater Carmilla had bought her for her birthday, hair pulled back, holding her tardis mug tightly within her grasp.

“Good morning.” She heard the hopefulness in Laura’s voice and steeled herself against it. Hope would do her no good here. It hadn’t been doing her any favors when it came to them over the past month. Today wasn’t going to be any different.

“Hey.”

Carmilla saw Laura flinch at her cool and distant tone, but as much as she didn’t want to hurt the other girl, she’d reached her end. Turning away, she walked towards the refrigerator, pulling out a fresh carton of orange juice and taking a healthy gulp as she stared out the kitchen window, watching the clouds move in. She could feel Laura’s eyes on her, burning into her skin, but it didn’t matter. She just couldn’t do this anymore. She never imagined it would be so incredibly painful to be completely head over heels in love with someone who didn’t love you back. Probably because she’d never been in this predicament. For some reason, the fact that it was Laura on the other side, made it seem even worse.

The silence grew as she took another swig, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand and waiting for the inevitable. Old Laura, new Laura, it didn’t matter. The girl hated uncomfortable silences.

“Yeah, so, um… did you sleep okay?” Carmilla merely shrugged, continuing to stare out the window, the gloom of the day matching this moment so perfectly. “I um… I didn’t mean to take your bed. You know you could’ve slept in the bedroom. In fact, if you want, we can swap for a few nights so you can get some proper sleep. I mean, it’s really not fair… for you to have to keep sleeping out there in the living room and… I know it’s not ideal. I know musical beds isn’t the best solution in the long run… we need something better for a permanent arrangement. I mean, it’s not the best-”

“Laura, stop.”

The quiet calm in her voice was like a match, staring down a fuse, just ready to explode. She glanced over at the tiny brunette, seeing the worry on her face, her eyes anxious, her mouth slightly open, almost like she was waiting to say more but unable to. Sighing in frustration, Carmilla turned her back for a moment, putting the juice away before leaning forward over the counter, gripping the edges tightly. Taking a steadying breath, she finally looked up, meeting Laura’s gaze and shook her head.

“Just… just keep the bed. It’s fine.”

“But-”

“I said it’s fine, Laura,” a little more bite to her tone. Gritting her teeth, she turned and looked out the window once more, watching the newly formed raindrops slowly starting to pelt against the glass and slide down in erratic paths. “I… I’m going to see if I can crash at Kirsch’s for a while. Or at least until I get my own place.”

“What?!” She heard the panic and when she glanced back, she saw the truly stunned look on Laura’s face. “You’re… you’re leaving?”

“I think that’s what’s best,” she said quietly. She felt the nausea turning her stomach inside out, the pain squeezing her chest. She wished with all her might that the disaffected tone in her voice wasn’t just a cover. That her emotions could catch up with the distant and uncaring sound of her voice. But with each word that left her mouth, it seemed her traitorous heart cracked a little more. Never in a million years did she think she’d be standing here, telling Laura that she was moving out and away from her.

“Carm…” Laura slowly stood from the table, stepping towards the opposite end of the island, standing across from Carmilla, her voice verging on desperate. “Please… please don’t. You can’t leave Carm. You… you promised. You promised you wouldn’t!”

“Well, the circumstances have clearly changed.” _Stay calm._

“What circumstances? What’s changed?” She heard Laura’s pitch going higher with each word, the panic clearly sinking in.

“Everything’s changed.” _Don’t yell. Don’t yell. Just keep your cool._ “I mean, since the accident-”

“Carm, come on. I can’t help that!” Clearly, Laura was not going to take the cool and collected approach. “I mean, I can’t change the accident. Do you really think I wanted to wake up and not know who you were?” Carmilla glanced up quickly and then away, hating the fear she saw on Laura’s face.

“I’m not saying you asked for any of this. I’m not saying you wanted any of this to happen. But here we are and we just need to accept that and deal with it. I can’t keep… I can’t keep doing this.” She sighed deeply, looking down at her hands, knuckles white, tightly gripping the edge of the countertop. “I can’t keep pretending that this is normal and that everything’s fine.”

“Well, I get that. I mean, I know everything’s not fine and this is nowhere near normal for anyone. That’s… that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Laura hesitantly step around the edge of the counter, almost as if she were testing their boundaries. “Normal was a month ago and that’s gone. And I don’t know if it’ll ever come back but… that doesn’t… that doesn’t mean-”

“Laura, I get it,” she interrupted, loudly. She didn’t need to hear Laura say it. She just needed to end this now because the longer they talked, the less likely she’d be able to hold it together. “I… I know. Laura I… I love you. I think…” She moved her gaze out the window, feeling more hopeless than she’d ever felt. “I think I always will. You’ll always be important to me and, maybe after this, we can still be friends. Someday. But I know it’s over. I know… I know you don’t love me anymore.”

 _Jesus._ She felt the air literally rush out of her in complete defeat. She had yet to say it out loud until that very moment. And even though hearing it before from Mattie had hurt, saying it herself, in her own voice, then and there absolutely crushed her. She stared down at the weathered patterns in the wooden countertop in front of her, feeling as though she could collapse at any second under the weight that had led them to this moment.

It was silent for a long beat and Carmilla thought maybe that was it. Maybe she could just walk away now. _Then why the hell won’t your feet work!_

“You’re… you’re right. I don’t,” Laura whispered.

_Nope. That’s what just fucking broke you._

She flinched hard but continued staring down, unable to meet Laura’s eyes as the silence around them grew and stretched. She felt that stupid, weak burning sensation behind her eyes and bit the inside of her lip to keep the tears at bay. She could cry later. But not here, not now.

“Carm, I’m sorry.” She was surprised to hear Laura’s own voice was wet, her own tears apparently unwilling to hold off. “I… I wish I still did. I wish that everything was fine and when I woke up at the hospital that we could have just picked right up wherever it was that we left off but… I just can’t force myself to feel something that… that just isn’t there.”

Carmilla just nodded. Even though it stung, deep down, she knew Laura didn’t want to purposely hurt her. That if there was any other way, she really believed Laura would take a chance. But this was just the hopeless hand they’d been dealt and they’d apparently held on to it for far too long.

She shifted foot to foot, finally letting go of the countertop and wringing her hands together in front of her, unsure of what else to do.

 _This has to be the weirdest break up ever._ She heard the sniffles coming from Laura, the tears apparently coming faster and faster for the smaller girl and it made her want to rewind this whole conversation. Maybe if she had just let Laura say her piece, tell her it was over herself, it wouldn’t have hurt the tiny brunette so much. Carmilla would still be utterly heartbroken, there was no doubt there. But if she had to shoulder that burden to protect Laura, it would have been worth it.

 _Too late now._ She opened and closed her mouth a few times, hating that her voice apparently had decided to stop working and took a deep breath, realizing the tears were getting closer and closer. She had to walk away and she had to do it now. Clearing her throat once she stepped away and steeled herself one final time.

“Look, like I said, I’ll go to Kirsch’s. You can have the house. I’ll um… I’ll try to get my clothes and stuff out as soon as I can. You can… you can have everything else.” Carmilla risked one final glance up and bit so hard on her bottom lip she could taste blood. It didn’t matter, a tear still slipped out.

Laura stood there on the other side of the island, tears streaming down her pink cheeks, wide eyes red and puffy, bottom lip trembling. And for a moment, it was her Laura. It was her Laura that cared about Carmilla’s feelings and heart. Her Laura that never wanted to lose Carmilla. Her Laura that wanted nothing more than to make Carmilla happy and to take care of her. **Her** Laura.

This girl. She’d been the sun in Carmilla’s world for so long now. She knew she’d never love anyone else in this world even half as much as she loved Laura. But she couldn’t force the smaller girl to feel the same. She could fix a lot of things but this one…

Stepping back, she nodded once resolutely and turned, intent on leaving the room to start gathering her things. There was nothing more to be said.

“Don’t you dare!”

She glanced over her shoulder, caught off guard by the venom in that voice and the anger she saw in the honey brown eyes staring back at her. She stopped and turned, looking through her own watery eyes, her brow furrowed in confusion as Laura continued to stare back, hard and furious.

“You don’t get to make that choice, Carmilla! You don’t get to just decide that this is all over and done! Yes, things are different but I thought we were better to each other than this! I thought I mattered more to you!”

_Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. I try to do the right thing and this is what I get?! Now she wants to argue?!_

“So what do you want from me, Laura? Huh?” She turned fully and stepped back towards the island, standing opposite the smaller girl. “To just stick around and be your buddy? Just pretend like you don’t mean everything to me and I mean jack shit to you?!” The anger was back and winning by a landslide, her voice rising with each word.

“I didn’t say that! I know I’ve asked a lot of you over these last few weeks. But you told me you’d do anything for me. You sat right here at this damn counter and said it! You said I was everything to you!”

“That’s right, I did. And yes, you are. But dammit, Laura, I can’t just keep sitting here, waiting for you to decide when the right moment to break my heart is, okay? So now it’s done! I let you off the hook. Now it’s over and you can move on with your life. With your friends and your job and whatever the hell else you actually want in your life. You don’t need me anymore!”

If they kept this up, she was pretty sure the neighbors would be lodging a complaint very soon about the noise level.

“I didn’t think we were together because we needed each other. I thought we were together because we loved each other. I mean, that’s what I keep hearing from everyone.”

She watched Laura step closer, her body taut, the fury in her face unmistakable. Why was Laura trying to push this? Carmilla had given her what she wanted, so why was she still arguing? Why was **she** so angry? She didn’t know what they were losing!

“You’re right. We were together because we loved each other. But you just said it yourself, you don't love me anymore.” _Dammit, still fucking stings._ “So why are we going to keep doing this? Why should I stay here, so in love with you that I can’t stand it, waiting for you to crush my heart? Waiting for you to run away?”

“I’m standing right here!”

“Laura, you just took off! You ran! No explanation, no reason, no anything! You just left. And you ran to your fucking friends because of course, you trust them. You care about them.”

“I care about you!”

“No! You want me to leave you alone! That’s what **you** said since we’re parroting back each other’s words.”

“Carm, no! Look, I’m sorry, okay. I shouldn’t have yelled at you the other day.” She heard the tone in Laura’s voice change back to desperate but she didn’t care anymore. She was pissed off now and Laura was going to hear it.

“Yelled? Laura, you didn’t just yell, you ran away! You packed a bag and you left. You tried to sneak out of here but I caught you. How is that okay? What did you think was going to happen? That I’d just wake up, you’d be gone and I’d think nothing of it? That I wouldn’t worry? That I wouldn’t be hurt? That I wouldn’t care?”

“I know, I-”

“And then you just sneak back in after completely blowing me off and saying nothing the entire day! I had to rely on LaF to let me know that you’re alive and okay! You think you can just leave like that and then come back like it’s no big deal? Like that’s alright?”

“It’s not alright, I know that. It was wrong and I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I ran out like that. I’m sorry I tried sneaking out without you knowing. I’m sorry I yelled at you and just took off. I just… I freaked out. I panicked! When I woke up, we were laying there together, like it was normal and… I just… I needed to talk to someone.”

“So instead of talking to me, about something that concerns the two of us, and only the two of us, you ran off to your friends? What kind of sense does that make Laura?”

“It doesn’t! I know that! But does it make any more sense than you disappearing yesterday and doing the same thing? Running off with Mattie and Will and avoiding me?”

_And now she’s angry again. Fuck, a broken heart and whiplash._

“I wasn’t avoiding you!”

“Oh really? What were you doing then? Because I waited here, all day, for you to come home. I sat here, hoping you’d walk through that damn door and I could make this better. That I could make this right!”

“Laura-”

“And then **you** sneak in. **You** come home and then what? Nothing! I get I messed up but dammit, Carmilla, you did the same thing!”

“Laura-”

“And yes, maybe I deserved a little cold shoulder after what I did, fine. You want to punish me? Great. Mission accomplished because I sat here all day yesterday, alone, hoping to hear from you or hoping you’d come home and we could talk. And you never did!”

“Talk about what?! What, you want to figure out how this little roommate arrangement is going to work? You want to divvy up the bills now or what? Should we discuss chores? Noise curfews? Signals for when one of us has brought someone else home for the night?” She knew it was a low blow but she didn’t care anymore.

“What?! No! Dammit, Carmilla, stop it! I get that you’re mad and hurt and frustrated. I really do. But I **never** said I wanted it to end. I never said I wanted **us** to end!”

“Aren’t we ended already? Jesus, Laura, I went from having a fiancée who couldn’t wait to pick out a cake and was researching the best tours for our honeymoon to a girl who gets scared anytime I try to hold her hand! Hell, who panics anytime I try to even touch her! I’m pretty sure there is no **us**!”

“Just because I’m not ready to go pick out cake designs doesn’t mean I don’t want an us!”

“What the fuck does that mean? You can’t have it both ways! What do you want, Laura, huh?” Carmilla growled. “What, you want to go on a date? You want to go to the movies and hold hands? You want to go have drinks and get to know each other? You want to have dinner with me like it’s the very first time?”

“I would love to have dinner with you, Carm!” Laura cried, her desperate voice ringing throughout the house.

“What?” Carmilla stepped back stunned, the frown on her face deepening around the edges. She wasn’t expecting that. “Laura, what are you talking about?”

She watched as Laura’s shoulders sagged and the fury in her eyes melted away, begging Carmilla to understand.

“I would love to go on a date with you,” she answered, her voice quiet but desperate, the anger completely gone. “I know that’s not what you want. I know, you want us planning our wedding and our honeymoon. Or, you want to sit back and watch and smile and laugh while I plan it because you don’t really care about what we actually do, you just want us to be together. But, Carm I can’t give you that. I want to make you happy but I just can’t pretend to feel something I don’t… I need you to understand.” She paused, wiping at her eyes as the tears now flowed faster, and even in her anger, Carmilla had to physically restrain herself from reaching out and tenderly wiping them away for her.

She took a deep breath, feeling her fists balled at her sides relax just the slightest as she waited for Laura to continue, battling with her heart not to get her hopes up.

“Laura…”

“No, I get it. But, Carm, I would. I would love to have dinner with you. I would love to go to a movie with you. I would love to go on a date with you. A real date. Just like, if we were starting right now. Starting fresh. Like, if we just met. I know that’s a lot to ask but…”

She stared at the girl in front of her as Laura anxiously picked at her cast, the dingy material worn and frayed from weeks of use and worry, waiting as patiently as she could.

“Carm, I know it’s not a big declaration. And I know it’s not where we were a month ago. But I do like you. A lot. And I know that probably sounds really stupid and empty but… you matter to me Carm. You matter so much. And I know you may not want to start over. You may think this whole thing is just a waste of time. You might think it won’t work. And again, I know it’s a lot to ask of you. And I’ve already asked **so** much of you these last few weeks. But I… I want to try. I may never remember, I know that. And I hate it but it’s something I just have to accept. But just because I may never remember, that doesn’t mean I don’t want you in my life. That I don’t… that I don’t want you. Because I do, Carm. You’re incredible and amazing and so perfect and I think…”

She watched as Laura looked away for a moment, wiping at her tears once more before meeting her stare again, eyes so soft and sweet. She noticed just the slightest quirk of Laura’s lips, pulling up ever so slightly at the corner, and Carmilla felt her heart skip a beat.

“Carm, I just... I don’t want to give up because… because I really think I could fall for you.”

Carmilla stood there, completely taken aback, speechless. That she had not expected.

“And… I know you might not be okay with this. That you might not want to start over. You might not even want to try. Maybe…” She watched as a fresh batch of tears quietly rolled down Laura’s face and the tiny brunette looked down at her feet, nervously wiggling her toes in her gray wool socks. “Maybe you don’t think I’m worth it but-”

“You’re are worth more than anything in this world, Laura,” Carmilla said, stepping forward once more, leaving just a step between them to keep them from touching.

She felt the last vestiges of anger completely melt away and wondered why had she let herself get so frustrated before? Sure, Laura running out wasn’t right. But she’d done the same thing. And she still had the advantage here. She had the last seven years still accessible to her. All the memories, all the feelings. All the smiles and laughs, the fights and makeups. The years of love and support. But Laura was lost.

Mattie’s words floated around in her brain as they stood there, just a few inches apart. She couldn’t make Laura fall for her. It wasn’t that simple and it never would be. But if she tried…

She’d have to earn the small girls heart the old-fashioned way. She’d have to put in the time, the effort. She’d have to be cautious and patient. She was more than willing, she just didn’t think Laura would’ve been receptive at this point. She was so convinced that Laura was done with them, with her, that she hadn’t even begun to formulate a plan on how she would begin to win the girl back.

But she had to start somewhere…

“Have dinner with me?” she asked hurriedly.

“I… what?” Laura looked up at her, confused and shocked.

“Will you? Have dinner… with me?” It sounded so shy and nervous coming out of her mouth. Laura stared back for a moment, still completely caught off guard and leaving just enough room for her to doubt herself.

 _Shit._ She felt herself deflate again, attempting to backpedal.

“I mean… I just… I thought you… forget it, neverm-”

“Yes,” Laura finally said with an eager nod. “I would love to have dinner with you, Carm.”

“Really?” She watched a teary smile form on Laura’s face as she gave her that classic ‘duh’ look. “You know this is like… a date?”

“I figured that much, Carm,” she said with a watery giggle. “Are you… are you sure you want us to try though? I mean, I want to, more than anything. Because I don’t want to lose you. But I also don’t want to force you into this. If you really don’t want this anymore-”

“That’s not even a question, Hollis. I will always want you.” She felt the itch in her fingertips. She so badly wanted to reach out and wipe Laura’s tears away. To cup her rosy cheeks. To wrap her in her arms and hold her close. But the time where that was okay had passed. It had been so long since she’d been freely allowed to touch the smaller girl and she physically ached to do so.

Laura stared back at her, still smiling softly, her own hands twisting together in front of her. But Carmilla saw something in her eyes. Nervousness? Worry? Insecurity?

_Why?_

And then another doubt hit her. One so poignant and pitiful she immediately felt her stomach flip in shame.

“Are you sure this is what **you** want though?” Her voice was so quiet in her ears and it was so insecure and vulnerable, it didn’t even sound like her own. “I don’t want you doing this just because… just because you feel sorry for me. Or because you feel like you owe me something. Because, Laura, if that’s why you’re doing this, please don’t. I can’t… if that’s why you’re doing this, just let me go now. Please.”

The smile immediately fell from Laura’s face and she saw the hurt take up residence in her eyes.

“Carm, no! Please just listen to me, okay?” She stood still as Laura took half a step closer, her hands flailing in front of her hesitantly for a moment before finally landing on to the sides of Carmilla’s tank top, gripping the material tightly in her fists and pulling the dark haired girl in. Her eyes were wide and desperate, her mouth firmly set. “I’m not doing this because I feel bad. Or because I feel like I owe you something. I’m doing this because I want you. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy and I think we could both kind of be the key to that for each other. And I know it’s going to be hard and it’s not ideal in any way, shape or form. But we can figure this out, okay?”

Carmilla stared back at her, seeing the truth in Laura’s eyes and knowing the smaller girl wasn’t lying. She nodded softly once, refusing to look away, feeling her heartbeat speed up with each second that passed. Without looking away, she cautiously reached up, her hands gently wrapping around Laura’s fists, testing it out for a moment before softly squeezing. To her relief, Laura softly smiled back, attempting to pull her closer.

“Wait, cupcake, I haven’t showered and I was at the bar last night and-”

“I don’t care.” They stared for another moment before Laura gently pulled once more. This time Carmilla let her, feeling the warmth envelope her as Laura pressed their bodies together and wrapped her arms around her as tight as she could.

Sighing deeply, she finally closed her eyes and wrapped her own arms around Laura’s waist, burying her face in Laura’s neck and breathing in deeply. Her senses were overwhelmed by the smell that was always uniquely Laura and it always felt like home. It always felt safe.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she muttered, feeling the tears slowly streaming down her face, unsure of when they’d even started up again, but hating their vulnerability just the same. “I’m sorry for what I said.”

“It’s okay, Carm. We were both idiots but we’ll make this right, okay? One way or another, and I’m not giving up on you,” Laura said as she gently combed the fingers of one hand through Carmilla’s hair and rubbed soothing circles on her back with the other casted one.

They stood there for a few minutes, holding tighter to each other than they had in over a month, the only sounds being the pelting of rain against the windows and the thunder in the distance outside, and the sniffle of slowly flowing tears on the inside. Carmilla felt Laura begin to gently rock them back and forth, continuing to hold her tight as all the emotions over the last few weeks came pouring out of her eyes, seemingly unstoppable and unfortunately, completely embarrassing. Carmilla had never been a crier but apparently, she’d been holding on to all of this for too long.

“I thought you were going to tell me it was over. I thought you didn’t want this anymore. That you didn’t want me anymore,” Carmilla finally said, her voice muffled into Laura’s neck.

“No, that was never on my agenda,” Laura said, her voice full of reassurance. “Carm, I panicked and ran out because I realized I do have feelings for you. But they’re not what you want or deserve. And I can’t give you those things right now. But… I do care about you. So much and not just as my friend. It’s so confusing because I know it’s not what I’m supposed to feel but-”

“No, I get it, Laura. I… I understand.” She attempted to get closer to the smaller girl, gripping tightly to her sweater, burying her face harder in her neck, but it wasn’t possible as there was no room left between them. Laura must’ve realized what she was trying to do though and giggled softly, turning and nuzzling into Carmilla’s hair.

Again, the silence enveloped them, but this time, it was more comforting. It was soft and sweet and Carmilla didn’t want it to end. Finally feeling her tears start to dry, she moved to pull away, thinking Laura might want some space or that she might be overstepping her boundaries. She smiled when she felt Laura refuse to let go and relished in the moment of having the girl she loved so close.

“So, we’re really going to do this?” She heard just a touch of nervousness in Laura’s voice and instantly felt the need to reassure her.

“I’m all in, cupcake.”

“Good.”

She felt Laura sigh in relief and smiled again. She pulled back just enough for them to catch each other’s eyes, taking in the sweet smile on Laura’s face, and unable to help herself, reached up with one hand and softly brushed it along Laura’s chin.

“After all, how could I refuse such an offer from the girl who clearly has an enormous crush on me?” she teased with a smirk.

“Oh, Carmilla, enormous crush doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, for reading. Thoughts? I'd love to hear them.
> 
> There will still be the regular update on Friday.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	18. Now I Don’t Hardly Know Her, But I Think I Could Love Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Kirsch is Kirsch, the gingers are the gingers and Laura and Carmilla have their second 'first date.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things: First of all, if you missed it, make sure you read the surprise update from Tuesday before tackling this one so you're not wondering what the hell is going on. Second, holy shit, you might want to get a snack or something because this one is the longest so far. We're at 9K plus words so please enjoy.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

She came out of the bedroom, freshly showered, dressed, and still a little out of sorts but feeling a million times better than she’d felt only an hour ago. It had been a hard morning, for both of them. _If that isn’t an understatement…_ But if this could actually work, if they both were actually willing to try and put forth the time and effort, then she had a chance of getting Laura back. And at this point, she’d probably do anything in the world to get Laura back.

She nervously ran her hand through her long, wavy hair and took a deep breath before slowly rounding the corner, finding Laura standing at the stove, plating the breakfast she’d insisted upon making them after their hug-fest was interrupted by the sound of growling, impatient stomachs. The tiny brunette looked over at her, smiling softly, her eyes still a little red but no longer puffy, her tear tracks dried. And she looked so incredibly beautiful.

“Hey…” Carmilla said, cautiously, stopping in her tracks.

“Hey.” Laura nervously glanced away for a second before reconnecting their eyes, clearly unsure of what else to say or do.

The problem was, Carmilla was at just as big of a loss. She didn’t want it to be awkward but damn if it wasn’t. There really was no way around it. After all, they’d spent the better part of the morning alternating between sobbing and yelling at each other. And now… now they were what? Dating again? Thinking about dating again? Crushing on each other? The terminology didn’t quite fit in Carmilla’s mind but she wasn’t willing to waste time on semantics. If Laura was willing to try, she’d take it. She just wished they had some sort of roadmap to navigate just how in the hell this was going to work.

She looked down at her bare feet for a second before slowly taking a few steps forward and carefully sitting down at the island. She nervously scratched at the back of her neck, her eyes locked on her lap, the quiet room louder than anything she’d ever heard. _Dammit, say something._ The soft sound of Laura’s giggle brought her gaze back to the other girl, her eyebrows raised in question.

“What?”

“Sorry, I just… I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so uncomfortable. And not that it’s fun to watch, because it really isn’t, but… well, it looks kind of funny because it’s so different from the norm,” Laura explained, nervously playing with her fingers. Carmilla simply chuckled at Laura’s assessment and sagged onto the stool beneath her, the moment of levity freeing up a little of the pressure. “I guess this might be a little… awkward now, huh?”

“It would seem so, creampuff.”

“Well… awkward or not, I’m still hungry. And, while you were in the shower, I actually changed my mind about breakfast. I suddenly wanted an omelet instead of pancakes. I know, that’s like super weird for me because who chooses an omelet over delicious, syrupy pancakes but I just had a craving. And I can’t remember the last time I had one so… I mean, I probably should’ve asked but you were in the shower and I didn’t want to bother you or make it weird like I was intruding on your space, but… I hope that’s okay?” Laura anxiously asked, bouncing from one foot to the other, chewing her bottom lip, her soft brown eyes eager.

Carmilla cringed as she noticed the cutting board on the counter behind the other girl, fresh mushroom stems still sitting there, waiting to be disposed of.

_Ugh, I’m going to have to grab a muffin or something later._

Taking another deep breath, she just nodded and gave Laura a small smile, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. No sense in making Laura feel bad or upsetting her over something that the tiny brunette couldn’t help and didn’t remember in the first place.

She reached for the fresh pot of coffee Laura had already set out, pouring them each a full cup, and took a long sip from her own mug, savoring the strong, bold flavors that danced across her tongue. At least Laura still made coffee the same as before the accident.

Laura came around the counter, setting both plates down and then ungracefully hopped onto the stool next to Carmilla’s, smiling softly at her before digging in with gusto. _Guess she really was hungry._

Carmilla smiled back, slightly amused, before looking down at her plate and pausing, the smile slowly slipping from her face.

“What’s wrong?” Laura asked, looking at her curiously as she poured an excessive amount of sugar in what was sure to be the umpteenth cup of coffee for the day.

“Uh, nothing.” Carmilla continued to stare down at the plate in front of her, nonchalantly comparing it to Laura’s sitting next to her.

_One of these things is not like the other._

* * *

**Six Years and Nine Months Earlier**

She looked across the table, smiling at the sight of her dark-haired girlfriend, pulling thoughtfully on her bottom lip as she carefully looked over the menu in front of her, clearly at a loss. It was early, at least for Carmilla, and they hadn’t gotten much sleep after she’d woken up to find the dark-haired girl staring down at her, smiling softly. But they both knew they probably wouldn’t have that much time to see each other over the next few days so Laura had been able to easily convince Carmilla to give up an extra hour of sleep in favor of breakfast at her favorite diner.

“Alright, you two decide yet?” Their server had come back three times now and each time, Laura had politely asked for just a little longer since apparently, Carmilla was at a loss. But this was starting to border on ridiculous.

“I will have the mushroom and cheese omelet, please. And white toast with Nutella.” The server wrote it down while she popped her gum, clearly bored, before turning to Carmilla.

“Um…”

“Oh come on, Carm! It’s breakfast, not rocket science,” she said with a giggle.

“In case it’s failed to grasp your attention, I’m never awake for breakfast, creampuff,” she snarked back. But Laura just smiled, raising an eyebrow in challenge. “Ugh, fine. I’ll have the same but no mushrooms, they’re disgusting. And wheat toast, please.”

“There, was that so hard?” Laura asked as their server snatched up their menus and walked away. Carmilla just rolled her eyes and sat back in the corner of their booth, propping her boot on the seat and leaning her head back, her eyes heavy but a soft smile on her lips. Laura stared, her girlfriend clearly the epitome of cool, and once again shook her head in wonder, still a little amazed that Carmilla was hers and only hers. _How in the hell did that happen?_ Not that she was complaining, but she still was completely mystified on how she’d landed this girl.

Shaking the thoughts from her head, she leaned forward onto the Formica table, hoping to distract Carmilla enough so that the dark-haired girl wouldn’t fall asleep and they could enjoy what little time they had left together that morning. “So… you really don’t like mushrooms?”

“Ugh, god no. They are vile. And of course, it’d be the one vegetable you actually don’t have an aversion to,” she answered, her face a mask of repulsion, taking another sip of the coffee in front of her.

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Laura giggled. “I just… I like learning new things about you. I feel like I still have a lot to learn.”

“Oh, you have no idea, cupcake,” Carmilla said with a smirk.

“So, tell me something else.” She reached across the table, loosely linking her fingers with her girlfriends and smiled when Carmilla let her thumb graze back and forth across her own, a move she was rather fond of and one Carmilla seemed to unconsciously do anytime their hands met. Carmilla gave her another smirk and side eye, before leaning forward just a tad as though she was about to share a scandalous secret.

“My favorite color is black.”

“Shocking but I know that already, Carm.”

“Hmm… I enjoy reading Kierkegaard.”

“I know, you have an entire shelf dedicated to him. It’s starting to overflow and I seriously think you need more bookcases in your apartment.”

“Well…” Laura watched and giggled as she pretended to ponder for a moment, eyes roaming over the ceiling. Finally meeting Laura’s eyes again, she felt herself melt under the now sweet look in Carmilla’s eyes. “I think you are hands down the most amazing girl in the world, with the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”

Laura felt the heat immediately hit cheeks and looked away, unable to stop the shy smile that came to her lips. She hated how easily Carmilla could fluster her but at the same time, it always left her feeling special, like she was the only one Carmilla could see in the whole world.

Finally looking back at her girlfriend, she saw the teasing smirk was gone and in its place was the genuine, soft smile that she so rarely got to see but already knew she loved.

They stared at each other for another moment, lost in each other’s eyes, only snapping out of their daze when their server unceremoniously dropped their plates of food in front of them with a loud clink and walked away without a word.

“Ugh, seriously, I said no mushrooms.” Carmilla cringed as she looked down at her food but Laura just laughed and swapped their plates, giving Carmilla the cheese only omelet and wheat toast.

“You big baby,” she teased. Carmilla simply stuck her tongue out.

* * *

**Present**

“Seriously, Carm, what is it? Did you want something else or… did I mess something up? I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you if this was okay. I… ugh I don’t even know if you like omelets.” Laura looked at her worriedly, still fidgeting restlessly in her seat.

Carmilla looked up and smiled gently at her, debating if she should say something or not. There had been very few things that Laura had remembered or that had seemed familiar to her over the last few weeks. And maybe that was a sign that Laura would never get back all that she had lost.

But every time one of those little moments popped up, Carmilla couldn’t help but get that hopeful feeling in the center of her chest and today was no exception. It may not have been a grand epiphany but it was something. And at this point, Carmilla would take any small victory they could get.

“No, everything’s perfect, Hollis,” she said, picking up her fork and taking a bite of her mushroom-less omelet.

* * *

 

“So like I don’t get it, angry hottie.”

“What part of this aren’t you getting, beefcake?”

“The part where you guys are just dating. And the part where she’s not your fiancée anymore. So pretty much the whole thing.” Kirsch took a swig from the ponyneck beer in his hand and sat back further on the couch, looking as confused as ever.

Earlier, after their breakfast had been devoured and the dishes had been cleaned, a bit of awkwardness had still lingered in the air, and while Carmilla understood it, she was beyond grateful that she had some work outside of the house to take care of. Laura had seemed both anxious and hesitant for her to leave, most likely, Carmilla guessed, feeling just as uncomfortable as she was. And she didn’t want to run away again but she did need a little time on her own to clear her thoughts and wrap her head around the situation that had been presented to them.

Laura had been bouncing from foot to foot nearby, watching carefully while she laced up her boots and grabbed her things and Carmilla could feel the panic radiating off her small frame in waves.

“So um… I guess I’ll just… see you later then?” She heard the real question behind that and smiled softly at the nervous little bundle of energy only a few feet away.

“Are you free tonight?” Laura looked at her, completely puzzled and, much to Carmilla’s relief stopped hopping around for a moment. At this point, Carmilla was pretty sure that at least half of the brunettes bloodstream had been taken over by caffeine. “Dinner?”

“Oh!” Laura’s eyes widened in realization and the bouncing resumed. “Oh, yes, dinner. You um… you asked me to dinner.”

“That I did. Seven o’clock okay?” Laura just nodded, doing a terrible job of trying to curb the excited smile taking over her face and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight. “I’ll see you then, cutie.”

And then she’d left, her emotions a jumble of nervousness and joy with just a touch of worry thrown in, tumbling around in her stomach as she made her way downtown. She recognized just how long of a road they had in front of them, there was no doubt about that. And it was definitely not going to be a smooth ride. But for the first time since the accident, Carmilla contemplated a life with Laura where the tiny brunette never got her memories back. A life where the two of them would have to work incredibly hard to rebuild what they’d once had. _Rebuild? It might not work like that. It might be something completely different and new._ It wasn’t what she would have chosen. The idea that Laura would permanently have a hole in her memory of all those amazing times they’d spent together over the last seven years made her ache. But the thought of no Laura at all… god, that was so much worse. And she would do whatever she had to in order to not lose the smaller girl.

“I’ve explained this like six times, Kirsch,” Carmilla said as she stepped out of the small, grungy bathroom, straightening out her clothes and making sure everything was in place. She’d recruited his apartment to get ready in for the evening, hoping to make this as organic and realistic as possible, for both of them. “Yes, we’re dating. Or at least we want to try to start dating. She still can’t remember anything but she wants to work on it so, we’re kind of starting over, in a way. And I guess... no she’s not my fiancée. I mean, **she** didn’t like call off the wedding or anything but she’s… she’s just not ready for that and I’m trying to respect that.”

She’d given Kirsch the bare minimum of details when she’d come by an hour earlier, messenger bag full of her equipment and the spare clothes she’d grabbed that morning, slung over her shoulder. Just because she’d agreed to this reset of sorts didn’t mean it didn’t still hurt. The pain still sat in her chest, it's throbbing a constant reminder that things were different. But she wasn’t about to share that with her friend. This was about her and Laura and only they needed to know and understand the intimate details for this to work.

“So, you guys are just dating for now. But you’re still living together?”

“That parts a little muddier.” She honestly was still contemplating if that was the best idea. _Probably not, but how do I tell her that without hurting her?_ “I mean, I don’t know if we should be or not, to be honest. When I brought it up this morning, she absolutely panicked. And I don’t know if that’s because she really doesn’t want me to not be there or because she’s still recovering and trying to figure things out and is just scared to be alone.”

“Well, if you do change your mind, you know you can always crash here. At least for a few days.”

“A few days? What, would I be ruining big plans that you have for your couch?”

“Nah, dude. You know I’m always cool with you hanging. It’s just… well, you guys are like… the best together, bro.” Carmilla just chuckled at his eloquent way of putting it.

“Thanks, chief.”

“So, where are you taking her tonight?”

“Dinner. This little place a few blocks from our house that she loves. She doesn’t remember that she loves it. Or, at least I don’t think she remembers. She hasn’t mentioned it but I don’t think she’d ever been there before we moved.”

“Alright, well let me know if you change your mind or whatever. I’m meeting SJ for a drink later but you still have your key right? You can just let yourself in.”

“Does your lock even work anymore after you got drunk and kicked it in doing your ‘karate’? You’ve still got freaking duct tape on it.”

“Oh yeah. Totally works fine, bro,” he said, taking another swig and turning his attention back to the television.

* * *

Laura gave herself one more glance in the mirror, running her hand through her hair, which she’d left down, and nodded. She was nervous. That much was obvious. She’d been nervous all day and was even more so after Carmilla had left that morning, softly smiling at her as she’d walked out the door.

She wanted this. She wanted this so badly, but that didn’t stop the fear from sinking into her bones and making her pace around the house all day, worried that this wouldn’t work. Worried that she’d screw it up.

She’d attempted to get some of her own work done but found herself constantly distracted, her attention pulled away by a clap of thunder in the distance or a beep from her phone anytime a new notification came up. She’d glanced at the offending device around noon, noticing the group text from her friends had grown exponentially longer over the last twenty-four hours and figured she should probably nip that in the bud before she had a trio of gingers breaking down her door.

 **Laura (12:02PM):** Guys, I’m fine. Everything is fine. Please stop worrying.

 **Perry (12:03PM):** Laura Eileen Hollis, I’ve been worried sick about you!

 **LaF (12:03PM):** It’s true, she’s been driving us nuts. So what happened? Did you talk to her? How’d it go?

Laura laughed, knowing she should’ve guessed Perry would be beyond worried about her but once again, she brushed her friends off. This was something between her and Carmilla only and she really wanted to respect that. Especially after Carmilla had made it so blatantly obvious just how much it had hurt her that Laura had run off to her friends just a few days ago instead of sticking around and working it out with the dark-haired girl. She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

 **Laura (12:06PM):** I’m sorry, but really, I’m okay. I talked to her and… I have a date tonight. So stop worrying. I’ll talk to you guys later.

Okay, so maybe she wanted to revel in that fact. _Just a little._

 **Perry (12:06PM):** Oh, that’s wonderful, Laura! I’m so happy for you.

 **Danny (12:07PM):** Way to go, Hollis.

 **LaF (12:07PM):** You’re date’s with Carmilla, right?

 **Perry (12:08PM):** LaFontaine!

 **Danny (12:08PM):** Ha!

Laura just giggled and put her phone down, attempting to focus on her article. She lasted for about five minutes before she was sidetracked once again, this time by her own thoughts.

She had a date. A real date. With Carmilla. With Carmilla, the girl she had a huge crush on. With Carmilla, the girl who was in love with her and had already been down this road once before.

“Oh crap!”

What if the date was horrible? What if she screwed something up or said the wrong thing? What if Carmilla thought back to their real ‘first date,’ seven years ago, and compared the two of them? If she did, what would happen if she thought their real ‘first date’ was better? Would she change her mind? Would she think this plan was idiotic and bound to fail? Would she give up on Laura?

The worries had continued to plague her for the rest of the day, leaving her even more nervous about the entire situation than she was that morning when Carmilla had walked out the door. But she couldn’t mess this up. She couldn’t lose this. She needed to try.

She reapplied her subtle lip gloss, having already chewed half of it off over the last ten minutes and quickly made her way out to the kitchen to wait. Glancing at the clock over the stove, she frowned, feeling her stomach knot a little tighter.

_It’s already seven o’clock. Where is she? Did she already change her mind? Did she-_

A loud knock on the front door echoed throughout the house, startling her a little. Curious as to who would be knocking now considering everyone she knew just walked in like they owned the place, she made her way over to the door, taking a quick glance through the peephole and instantly smiling.

“What are you doing?” she asked, opening the door and taking in a stunning Carmilla on the other side, leaning casually against the doorway, dressed all in black; fitted dress pants, low-cut shirt, and tailored blazer holding a small bouquet of beautiful lilies at her side.

“Well, I believe we have a date.”

“But you knocked,” Laura laughed.

“Yes, that’s typically what you do when you come to pick up said date. You find her door, knock to announce your presence, and then compliment your date on how amazing she looks. Now we haven’t gotten to that last part yet but…” Laura watched as Carmilla’s hypnotizing dark eyes slowly roamed over her figure from head to toe, taking in every detail. Laura felt herself blush slightly under the attention but was glad she’d taken the extra time to get herself ready for the evening. She was pretty sure the knee length skirt she’d chosen was new and she’d noticed Carmilla eyeing her a little longer than necessary the last time she’d worn the off the shoulder top she’d selected. “You look gorgeous, cupcake.”

“I could say the same about you, Miss Karnstein,” Laura said, knowing damn well that she always thought Carmilla looked amazing. She smiled as Carmilla handed her the lilies, feeling her stomach flutter as their fingers gently brushed. _God, this really is like a first date._ “Thank you. You didn’t have to bring me flowers.”

“Cutie, you should know by now, I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” she said, stepping inside and closing the door behind her as Laura made her way towards the kitchen, looking for and hoping she’d find a vase there. “Under the sink, Hollis.” Laura smiled and nodded, reaching for one of the glass containers sitting there, all the while watching out of the corner of her eye as Carmilla slowly approached the island, coolly leaning on it as she pretended to peruse the house. “So… nice place you’ve got here.”

“Well, thank you,” Laura said with a giggle, deciding to play along.

“You live here all alone?”

“Actually no. I have an incredibly wonderful roommate,” she said, setting down the vase on the counter and placing the flowers inside.

“Oh really? Where’s she?”

“Oh, probably off being broody or doing something incredibly artistic. Taking photos or drawing or painting something. She’s very talented,” Laura said with a playful grin.

“Wow, really?”

“Oh yes. She’s kind of amazing.”

“Hmm… sounds like it. Do I have competition already?”

Laura just smiled and shook her head. Maybe this would be a little awkward. But at least it seemed like Carmilla was bound and determined to make it fun.

Finishing up with the flowers, she turned to face the dark-haired girl, smiling bashfully as Carmilla slowly approached, that teasing smirk firmly planted on her lips. But she stopped just a few inches from her, an invisible line keeping them from touching, and Laura felt her breath catch at their proximity.

“You really do look beautiful, Laura.”

The flirtatious confidence was gone and Laura watched as Carmilla’s lips morphed into a timid smile and she locked her hands behind her back, rocking back and forth a little on the balls of her feet, clearly just as nervous about tonight as Laura was. _So adorable._

“So um… are you ready? We don’t want to miss our reservation.”

Laura just nodded, following Carmilla as she quickly strode to the door, grabbing her coat on the way out.

“Where are you taking me?” she asked once they were in the elevator, her eyes never leaving the restless girl standing next to her. It amazed her how Carmilla could go from so cool and collected one moment to sweet and shy the next. But it seemed like it was only around her. She’d never witnessed it with any of their friends or with Mattie and Will when they’d dropped by.

“Mmm. It’s a surprise, cutie.” Carmilla turned and smiled at her once before the doors opened and she ushered them out.

The surprise turned out to be a five-minute walk from their house and a charmingly quaint French restaurant with only a few other patrons dining within its walls. Taking a seat and looking around, nothing looked familiar but once again, she was feeling that odd sense of déjà vu that had affected her only a few weeks ago.

Was it the place or was it…? She looked up, seeing Carmilla gazing at her softly, sweetly. _Maybe it’s just her._

She smiled briefly at the thought before burying her face in her menu, unsure of what she was really looking at or what the words even were. _Crap._ She knew she’d had French food at least once before with her friends, but it had been years ago and she’d remembered relying on the kind staff at the restaurant to just bring her ‘something with chicken.’

She blushed slightly as she heard Carmilla chuckling softly when her face registered slight panic as their server approached.

“Would it be okay if I ordered for both of us?” Carmilla quietly asked, prompting her to quickly and eagerly nod. Five seconds later she sat in awe as the dark haired girl conversed with the young man in what sounded like absolutely perfect French before placing their order.

“How in the world do you know French?”

“Mother insisted. Mattie, Will and I all had hours of lessons after school when we were younger. French, Italian, Spanish. I still even remember a little German.”

“Well, it’s… kind of…” She swallowed hard. _Really hot._ “I’ll just have to send her a thank you note,” Laura teased, sending her a small flirtatious smile. To her puzzlement, Carmilla simply nodded, the sweet smile dropping from her face, though for the life of her, Laura didn’t understand why. _Dammit, how did I already mess this up?_ “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I know you’ve said you aren’t close with your mother but… did I say something wrong?”

“No, not at all, cutie. Just, well, can we maybe not talk about her?”

“Of course.” Laura nodded, wanting to avoid anything that would make Carmilla uncomfortable. Carmilla smiled gently before leaning back in her chair, raising one of those perfectly sculpted eyebrows, apparently shifting back into date mode.

“So, Laura, tell me about yourself. You said you’re a writer?”

“Seriously, Carm?” Laura giggled at the dark-haired girl's playfulness and leaned forward. “I know I said I wanted to try to start dating. But I don’t think we have to go **all** the way back to the beginning.”

“I’m just trying to make this as natural for you as I can, cupcake,” Carmilla said with a wink that left Laura sailing. “So, really, how was the rest of your afternoon? Did you do anything fun?”

It was her turn to look uncomfortable as she remembered how she’d spent the majority of the afternoon worrying about the new situation they found themselves in and attempting to pep talk herself into not being a total spaz.

“No, I just… can I ask you something?” Carmilla simply nodded. Laura sat back as their server returned with the wine Carmilla had ordered for them, smiling in appreciation and patiently waiting for them to be alone again. Carmilla looked back at her after their server left, her attention completely on Laura. “That fight this morning. Was that like, a normal fight for us?”

“No, Laura, absolutely not. I mean sure, we have our spats and stuff. We argue sometimes. But this morning… no, that was a bad one.”

“I’m not in any hurry to repeat it.”

“Me neither, cutie.”

“But, even though it was bad, it kind of led us here… to tonight… on a date.” Carmilla just smiled at her. “And… I’m glad we were honest with each other. I mean, I know… I know it was hard to hear-”

“Hey, Laura, you don’t have to explain or justify anything, okay?” Carmilla sat up, her face suddenly serious but her eyes remaining soft. “I understand that we can’t just go back right now. I know that this is scary and it’s going to be hard. And I know that it’s different from when we fell in love all those years ago because the situation has completely changed and we aren’t starting out on equal ground. But that doesn’t mean it can’t work. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care about each other. Because, Laura, you mean so much to me. And I know you care me about too.”

“I really do, Carm. You have been so amazing to me since I woke up. You’re so sweet completely incredible. I’m so lucky that I have you. And I… I know it’s not going to be easy. But I really do want to try. I meant it this morning when I said…” She felt her face heat up with an easy blush but pressed on, her eyes never leaving the dark orbs of the girl in front of her. “When I said I really think I could fall for you.”

Carmilla smiled and leaned onto the table, her left hand reaching out and resting near Laura’s right but not touching. Laura watched, noting Carmilla was clearly leaving the ball in her court and felt her heart squeeze at the thought.

“You know when we fell in love back then…” Laura trailed off, a soft smile on her face as she boldly let her fingertips graze against Carmilla’s, watching the other girls eyes light up just a touch at the contact. “LaF and Perry just told me about when I realized I was in love with you. Apparently, I was a complete and utter mess.”

They both laughed softly, their fingers interlacing a little more. She smiled when she felt Carmilla’s thumb softly rub back and forth across hers, the sensation comforting.

“I wasn’t much better, cutie.”

“Who said it first?” she blurted out, realizing a moment too late that she apparently had no control over her mouth. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I mean… nevermind. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

She looked up, seeing Carmilla still smiling gently at her, the soft candlelight between them flickering across her features and making her eyes shimmer mischievously.

_Uh oh._

* * *

**_Six Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

Carmilla stared wide-eyed, mouth open in shock, glove-covered hands in tight fists at her sides and Laura thought it was possibly the funniest thing she’d ever seen. She threw her head back, the laughter bubbling from her uncontrollably at the sight, her laughter filling the winter wonderland around them.

“I cannot believe you just did that! You threw a snowball at me! What are you, five?”

They’d taken a shortcut and crossed through the park on their way home from the movies, hoping to get back to Carmilla’s and inside where it was warm faster. A major storm had hit earlier that morning, keeping most people inside for the day and while the heavier snow had stopped falling a few hours ago, there were still soft flakes floating down upon them as they stood there under the streetlamps.

They’d been walking side by side, elbows occasionally brushing, their hands shoved deep into their coat pockets to keep warm when Laura had looked to her right and took in the sight of her gorgeous girlfriend, grinning softly, the fluffy snowflakes blanketing her coat and wool toque. Carmilla always came across to everyone else as so serious and sullen. But with Laura… well, she’d seen the playful side of Carmilla. And it was easily one of her most favorite things. The dark haired girl could be a total goof when she wanted and Laura absolutely loved it. Suddenly wanting to see that playful side, she’d come up with an idea and simply acted.

“Oh, come on, Carm,” she started, still giggling. “Where’s your sense of advent-” She was cut off as a snowball smacked her right in the middle of her chest. Looking over she took in the challenging look on Carmilla’s face, both hands raised in the air in a bring in on motion, and smiled. “Oh, you’re dead!”

They spent the next twenty minutes chasing each other in the knee-deep snow, laughing and shrieking, carrying on like idiots before Carmilla finally got close enough and wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist, pulling them both down into a nearby snowbank.

Laura looked down, unable to stop her silly giggles to see Carmilla laying below her, holding her tight, smiling up at her so beautifully, and felt her heart swell with love.

Things between them had been so amazing and Carmilla made her so unbelievably happy that sometimes she thought she might explode. She literally had the best girlfriend in the entire world and she’d never been so happy in her whole life. Carmilla was perfect, even with her flaws and Laura was so in-

“I love you.”

_No! No! No! Shit!_

She immediately stopped laughing, her eyes and mouth both snapping shut in utter mortification as she felt the world beneath her tip. She hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that. And now she’d gone and messed everything up.

_What the hell am I going to do?!_

She slowly opened her eyes, seeing Carmilla staring up at her, her face now a mix of shock and confusion, her mouth already partially open as if waiting to refute Laura’s claim.

 _Oh, Jesus, I messed this up so bad. She’s going to run now. She’s going to take off at any minute._ She looked away, moving to sit up and pushed herself away from Carmilla, feeling the dark haired girls arms immediately let her go. She shuffled a little to the left, sitting in the snowbank, pulling her legs up to her chest and covering her face with her thick mittened hands, utterly humiliated.

“I’m sorry, Carm,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to say that. I mean… I did. I do. But I didn’t mean to just spring it on you like that. I shouldn’t have and I just-”

She was cut off short when she felt Carmilla pulling her hands away from her face with one hand and cupping her cheek with the other, their lips quietly meeting for just a moment in the sweetest, softest kiss she’d ever had, before Carmilla slowly pulled away. Laura opened her eyes, blinking quickly and taking in the beaming smile on the dark-haired girls face, her eyes shining, cheeks pink from the cold.

“I love you too, cutie.”

Laura stared back, completely mystified and in shock. There was no way Carmilla, her amazing and wonderful girlfriend Carmilla, who could have anyone in the world she wanted… loved her.

Carmilla chuckled, clearly amused by Laura’s bewildered face and moved a little closer, her thumb gently passing over Laura’s cheek as the brunette processed this information.

“You do? I mean, I know you just said it but… Carm, oh my god. I’ve been trying to hold back for the last week, ever since I realized that I do. I didn’t want to say it and scare you off or… not have you say it back but… I love you so much and you make me so happy and… seriously, Carm, do you really?”

“You’re killing me, Hollis,” Carmilla smiled, leaning forward and slowly kissing Laura once again. Laura wrapped her arms around the other girl and giggled into the kiss, unable to help herself.  “Come on. Let’s get out here and get warm. This snow is starting to freeze my ass.” Carmilla stood up, brushing herself off, and reached down for Laura, pulling the tiny brunette to her feet and wrapping her arms around her waist.

Laura smiled and let girlfriend pull her along, both giggling and tripping over each other as they ran towards Carmilla’s apartment.

* * *

“Oh fuck… cupcake… don’t fucking stop…” Carmilla’s head fell back and her eyes fluttered opened, unable to really take in anything above her since all of her focus was on the amazing and wonderful girl she was currently straddling. Mustering up all the effort she could, she looked down, catching the sight of a smirking Laura Hollis staring back up at her and felt herself caught somewhere between laughter and losing her absolute freaking mind as the tiny brunette's fingers moved in and out of her at just the right pace.

After they’d raced back to Carmilla’s apartment, it only took about ten seconds for their laughter to die down, their lips meeting frantically, both quickly shucking their coats and pulling insistently at each other’s clothes. They’d stumbled and tumbled into the bed only moments later, naked and wrapped around each other in every way possible.

Now, a little while later after she’d thoroughly had her way with Laura, twice, and had given the tiny brunette a few minutes to recuperate, Laura was paying her back in full.

“Good?”

For as nervous as Laura was about her lack of experience, the smaller girl had been an A+ student and had quickly learned all the little things that drove Carmilla absolutely wild.

“Didn’t I just say don’t stop, creampuff?” Carmilla said, breathless as she smirked down at the smaller girl. Laura was quick to wipe the smirk off her face though as her thumb hooked up just right to swirl against Carmilla’s clit. “Oh, Jesus, Laura…”

Laura just giggled, wrapping her free arm tighter around Carmilla’s back, moving them closer together and pulling the dark haired girl further into her lap, leaving open mouth kisses across Carmilla’s sternum and up her neck.

“You are so beautiful like this,” she whispered into Carmilla’s ear, biting softly at the lobe as Carmilla shuddered once more. Carmilla turned just slightly, finding Laura’s lips in a desperate, frantic kiss as her hips started to roll faster against Laura’s perfect hand.

Less than thirty seconds later, with their lips still urgently pressed together, Carmilla’s grip tightened in Laura’s hair, pulling a little harder than she intended, as a deep moan echoed from within her throat. She pulled back just the slightest, Laura instantly meeting her unfocused gaze with her own intense stare and felt herself fall over the edge into a storm of utterly intense bliss.

“Holy shit, cupcake,” she exclaimed as she felt her muscles give out, her body going completely limp in Laura’s strong arms. Head nestled in the crook of Laura’s neck, inhaling the addicting scent of the smaller girl, she felt more than heard the small laugh the younger girl released. Unable to do anything else but smile she cuddled further in as Laura laid them back, resting against the pillows, limbs still tangled in every way possible.

She lay her head on Laura’s chest and listened, the room silent except for the soft panting inhales and exhales she heard coming from her own mouth as she attempted to come back to herself. Well that and the sound of Laura’s heart, beating just a little faster than normal below her ear. Laura’s heart… which now, for some unknown reason, belonged to her. The thought alone made her smile softly as she realized, for the first time, she wasn’t alone anymore. She was in love and the someone she loved actually loved her back. Like really loved her. And fuck, that was so unbelievably incredible.

She looked up to see Laura, still smiling and looking a little too confident and couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Pretty proud of yourself, aren’t you?” she asked. Laura simply shrugged, a slight blush tinting her cheeks.

 _The girl gives me mind-blowing orgasms and then turns shy,_ Carmilla thought with a chuckle. She shuffled upwards, hovering over her girlfriend and leaving a lingering kiss on the smaller girl’s lips. She lay down more fully, resting their foreheads together, and looking into the incredible eyes she was so in love with, smiling softly.

“I love you, Laura.”

Laura smiled back, absolutely giddy at the moment. She reached up and pushed some of Carmilla’s hair behind her ear, leaving her hand there and gently cupping her cheek.

“I love you too, Carm.”

_I’ll never get sick of hearing that._

* * *

**Present**

“Carm?”

Carmilla brought her gaze back to meet Laura’s, refocusing her eyes and snapping out of the apparent reverie she’d been lost in.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Carmilla said with a shake of her head, averting her eyes and looking down at her hands knotted together in her lap.

“Are you sure? You drifted off at the end of the story there. And… are you blushing?” Laura said with a giggle.

 _Oh, how the mighty have fallen,_ she thought, unable to stop her giddy smile. Carmilla just grinned, still avoiding Laura’s gaze, but to her credit, had stopped the reddening on her cheeks from spreading.

Laura leaned forward on the small table, taking in the sight of a speechless Carmilla, which was easily one of the most incredible things she’d ever seen and giggled again.

“So after I stuck my foot in my mouth, as usual, then what happened?” Laura asked.

“Um, we left the park and just walked back to my place.” She watched Carmilla reach for her wine glass, tossing back the remaining liquid in one large gulp, her eyes still avoiding Laura’s.

_Oh my god, she totally just went somewhere completely inappropriate!_

“That’s it huh?” Seeing the opportunity to tease the dark haired girl open up, she immediately jumped on it. After all, it seemed that Carmilla always had the upper hand when it came to teasing her. It was only fair for the universe to reward her with a turn. “Did we go back and play board games? Or… sew a quilt together or something else equally wholesome?” She smiled further as Carmilla chuckled at her from across the table. “Did we sleep in side by side twin beds in full body nightgowns?”

“You know what we did, Laura,” she answered, finally looking up and meeting Laura’s gaze, her eyes holding an intensity that hadn’t been there a few minutes ago.

Laura just nodded, feeling her own blush slowly brush across her cheeks. _Of course._ She reached over and grazed her index finger along Carmilla’s hand, smiling when she noticed the other girls eyes instantly snap over to take in their connection before meeting hers once again. She only pulled back when their server brought back Carmilla’s credit card and thanked them, breaking the connection between the two.

A few minutes later, she turned and smiled softly, taking in Carmilla’s profile as they slowly made their way home. The night was clear, a stark contrast to the storm that had raged on throughout most of the day, sky full of stars and a half crescent moon hung high above. A small chill crept through the air and she watched as Carmilla breathed it in, seeming to relish in the cold. She took in the pink on her high cheekbones, the way the flickering from the streetlamps caught on her long eyelashes and illuminated her dark eyes, the way her perfect eyebrows arched just so, and how the corner of her lips turned up into a knowing smirk… and Laura knew she’d been caught.

_Oh well. There are way more embarrassing things than being caught staring at my beautiful… um… girl I’m hoping to date? Is that right?_

“What’s going on in that head of you, Hollis? You’re wearing your scrunched up face.”

“Nothing, just, trying to figure out what exactly I should call you. Like… well, I mean…”

“I know what you mean.” She kicked herself as she watched the dark-haired girl shove her hands into her pockets, the smile slipping from her face.

“Carm, I’m sorry, really. I’m so sorry. We were having fun and I had to go and ruin it and-”

“Hey, no. It’s okay, Laura, you didn’t ruin anything. It’s… I just have to get used to it. It just might take some time. But… I’m happy that we’re at least trying.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, this was a really amazing date and… I’d love to take you out next time,” Laura said as they reached the door to their building, smiling when Carmilla held it open for her as they walked inside.

“Next time huh? What did you have in mind?” She was relieved to see a small smile resurface on Carmilla’s lips once they reached the elevator and stepped inside.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Laura teased. She pressed the button for their floor and stepped back, leaning against the back wall, letting her shoulder brush Carmilla’s, who still stood there, smirking at her. “Maybe…”

Suddenly an idea popped into her head and she smiled at just how perfect it might be. _If I can pull it off._

“When’s the next day you’re free? Like for the whole day?”

“I can probably make something work these weekend. Why? What harebrained scheme are you cooking up?”

“Oh, it’s a secret,” Laura said as the elevator stopped. She smiled as she reached out, lacing her fingers with Carmilla’s and pulling the dark haired girl out and into the hall. “And really? Harebrained scheme? What kind of girl do you think I am?”

“Oh, I know exactly what kind of girl you are, Hollis,” she answered with a teasing smirk. Laura smiled and shook her head, keeping hold of Carmilla’s hand as she unlocked the door and they made their way inside.

“You know… it’s really not fair that you get to remember… **everything** ,” she teased. Carmilla chuckled and gave her hand a squeeze.

“Do you want me to draw you an illustration, cupcake?”

“As realistic and incredible as that would probably turn out, no, I’m just saying… I mean…” Laura trailed off as she watched Carmilla close the door behind them while still holding tight to Laura’s hand. She stared as Carmilla turned towards her once she was done, smiling at her slip up. Deciding to ignore it and any further teasing, she looked into those dark eyes in front of her, feeling her nerves dancing in the pit of her stomach again. “So… now what?”

“Well, it’s the end of the date and I promised to walk you back. So…” She trailed off as she tugged on Laura’s hand, pulling her through the kitchen and down the hallway.

Laura felt her nerves completely take over as they slowly approached the open bedroom door. Was Carmilla really expecting something more? _No. No, she’s been so sweet and respectful. She can’t actually expect-_

She heard Carmilla chuckle next to her as they reached the doorway and looked up, taking in the amused expression on her face.

“Relax, cupcake. I’m not going to pounce on you here and now. I’m just… walking you to your door.”

“You’re a gigantic dork, you know that,” she said with a giggle, feeling her worry slowly ebb away. She looked down at their still joined hands, savoring the feeling of Carmilla’s soft skin against hers. They seemed to fit together so perfectly. Almost like they were… _Meant to be._

“Hey, Laura? Um… are you sure you don’t want me to stay somewhere else? At least for a little bit? Kirsch’s couch is vacant and...” Her eyes shot up, noting now just how nervous Carmilla looked, the dark-haired girl slightly fidgeting and staring down at her shoes.

“What?”

Carmilla looked up, a hint of sadness in her eyes as she attempted to hold Laura’s gaze and Laura felt her heartbeat halt at that moment.

“Carmilla, no!” Laura said her voice going up an octave, feeling that hint of panic squeezing in her chest. “I… why are you asking me that?”

“Because… I just want to make sure you’re okay. That you’re comfortable with all of this.” Carmilla nervously tapped the toe of her boot into the floor, her eyes unsure. “Laura, this is all new and different for you. And I don’t want to screw it up. I just thought, maybe giving you a little space and a little time might be the right thing to do. It’ll be less pressure on you.”

“Carm…”

Laura felt her heart ache so deeply at that moment, for Carmilla, for them. Honestly, the last thing she wanted right now was for Carmilla to not be there. This was their home and Carmilla belonged here, regardless of what their relationship was. She’d already spent the last few weeks being put out by Laura and this accident. And now…

“No. I don’t want you to go. I…”

Carmilla stepped closer, using her free hand to tip Laura’s chin upwards as she trailed off. Laura swallowed at the contact and gently squeezed their still linked hands, realizing they were now standing so close she could feel the warmth radiating off the other girl and it felt so good. So comforting.

“I know it won’t be easy. And that it might be a little weird… us living together while we try dating but… well, lots of people date their roommates, Carm. I mean we aren’t the first ones.” She stared back, her eyes meeting Carmilla’s and she still saw that hint of sadness but now it seemed to be mixed with a dash of something else, though she wasn’t sure what. She hated that she couldn’t read the other girl as easily as Carmilla could read her but she wouldn’t be deterred. She pressed on, hoping she could completely erase the pain lodged there at that moment and convince the other girl that this could work. “Stay, please.” Laura reached up, holding her casted hand under Carmilla’s, keeping her hand on her face. “I… I hate it when you aren’t here. And the idea of you not being here when I wake up or when I fall asleep… just please stay. I want us both spending our nights together.” She watching a small smirk form on Carmilla’s face and replayed her words in her head, rolling her eyes. “I mean, I’m not saying like… we should **spend** the night together, you know? But, I really do want you here.”

“If you’re sure-”

“You’re not trading our couch for Kirsch’s and that’s final! His couch is shit!”

Carmilla stared back, her eyes soft and loving, watching Laura intently for a moment before nodding once. Laura just smiled back, feeling the weight on her heart ease a little. The thought of Carmilla leaving… of her not being there made her squirm.

“We didn’t argue on our real first date, did we?” Laura said, suddenly feeling like she’d messed everything up.

“Hey, cupcake, no, don’t do that.” Carmilla cupped Laura’s cheek, squeezing her other hand tighter. “This isn’t a competition. We said we were starting fresh right?” Laura just nodded. “So, it isn’t about what happened the last time we had a ‘first date.’ It’s about tonight. And tonight was great.”

“It really was.”

“Besides, I like it when you get all feisty and stubborn.”

“You do?”

“You’ve always been a firecracker, Hollis. It’s one of my favorite things about you.”

Laura felt her lips turn up and let her casted hand fall to the crook of Carmilla’s elbow for a moment, relishing the feeling of Carmilla standing so close, still cupping her cheek and looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing Carmilla had ever seen.

“You know, this had been kind of a touchy first date,” Carmilla teased. Laura laughed as she felt Carmilla’s thumb brush across her cheekbone.

“Well, I think we’re kind of a step or two ahead. But I’m okay with that.”

“Good, because… honestly, Hollis, it really is hard to keep my hands to myself when I’m around you.”

_I’m starting to know the feeling._

“But… it is getting late. And I have a shoot early tomorrow morning.”

Laura just nodded, knowing they’d eventually have to end the date but hating it just the same.

“Please, take the bed.” Carmilla just shook her head and stepped back, letting her hand fall from Laura’s cheek. “Carm, fine, why can’t we just share it then?”

“I thought you didn’t want to sleep together yet,” she teased with a chuckle.

“You know what I mean. It’s a big bed. There’s plenty of space for both of us. We can sleep next to each other without it being… intimate.”

“I know we can, Laura, I just…” Carmilla sighed once and shook her head again. “I can’t do that. I can’t sleep next to you when we aren’t…” She trailed off, looking away and Laura wanted to kick herself.

_You idiot. Of course, she can’t sleep next to you. It’d be too painful for her. Get it together!_

“Okay, alright, I understand. Um… well then thank you for an amazing night. I had a lot of fun.”

“Me too, cupcake.” She squeezed Laura’s hand once more before letting go and shoving her hands into her back pockets. “Get some sleep, okay?”

Laura watched as Carmilla moved to step away and, without thinking, quickly reached out, grabbing onto the lapels of her jacket to stop her. She caught the confused look on Carmilla’s face and smiled before leaning in and leaving a soft kiss on Carmilla’s cheek, centimeters from her mouth.

“Good night, Carm.” She watched as a soft smile touch the dark-haired girl's lips, her cheeks just a hint rosier before she turned and meandered down the hallway and for the first time in a month, Laura was happy with where they were. It wasn’t perfect by any means but for the first time since the accident, she could see a possibility for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so so much for taking the time to read this. As always, good, bad, or terrible, please let me know what you think because I really appreciate the feedback. Hope you all enjoyed.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	19. Do You Tell Lies, And Say That It’s Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second date. And some questions are answered about the past and Laura's memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might want to grab a snack and a drink. We're over 10k on this one.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

Laura sat on her stool at the pizzeria, glancing around the small restaurant and nervously fidgeting as she waited for Carmilla. The dark-haired girl had been long gone by the time she’d woken up that morning and she’d spent the day somewhere between over the moon as she thought over their new ‘first date’ the night before and nervous over what was to come in their future, together.

The date had gone pretty well if she said so herself. She smiled a little, thinking about how incredibly sweet and playful Carmilla had been, going out of her way to make it feel like a real first date for Laura. She was so lucky that with the situation she was in, it was Carmilla that was by her side. That Carmilla was so amazingly patient and respectful. And that she clearly was just as determined as Laura to try and make this work.

_If not more so…_

She’d laid in bed the night before, thinking over how she wanted to repay the other girl, not only for all she’d done but just for being Carmilla. She’d been putting up with this whole amnesia debacle for a month now and Laura had to wonder if she would be able to do the same if their roles were switched. She’d like to think she could handle it and that she’d stick by Carmilla’s side, but at the same time, it was such a monumentous obstacle to scale. Sure, she was stubborn and liked a challenge. But what Carmilla was doing for her, for them… well, she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to give back for all that the dark-haired girl had sacrificed. She wanted to try though and what better way than to start by doing something that Carmilla would love. The idea of the art museum had come to her as they ridden up in the elevator the night before. She’d only been there once, that she remembered, for an article she’d been working on for the Silas University Times. Art hadn’t exactly been her forte at the time but she was still new to the staff and eager to sink her teeth into whatever she could get her hands on. She remembered it being a rather impressive collection and thought perhaps it might provide another way for her and Carmilla to connect if they spent the day there, together.

However, there was another dilemma plaguing her. She didn’t want to wait another three days for a second date, especially when they’d still be seeing each other every day considering their living arrangements. But that was something she figured she could easily remedy and between putting the finishing touches on one of her articles and returning emails, she’d texted Carmilla, around noon, asking if the dark-haired girl might want to grab a bite with her after she was done for the day. It took her about a dozen rough drafts, her thumbs furiously typing and then deleting over and over, but she was pretty pleased with the final result.

 _Super casual, Hollis. Way to go,_ she thought with a proud little smile. After all, if they were starting over, this was a clean slate and a whole new realm to prove just how nerdy and awkward she really was.

 **Laura (12:02PM):** Hey, so, I just wondered if you’d be interested in having dinner with me tonight? Not a big deal or anything. I just figured I have to eat. And you have to eat. And why not eat together? It was fun last night so just let me know. I’ll be here. All day. By myself. While you’re there.

She had waited for hours, desperately trying not to read into the silence, before she’d finally gotten a response, and it had instantly brought a smile to her face and butterflies to her stomach.

 **Carm (3:42PM):** Sorry, this has literally been the shoot from hell. But I should be done around six and I’d love to have dinner with you. What did you have in mind?

 **Laura (3:43PM):** No worries. Just glad you aren’t ignoring me on purpose. How about the pizza place around the corner from our house? I can meet you there at like 6:30?

 **Carm (3:45PM):** Why on earth would I ignore a cute girl like you, Hollis? I’ll see you then.

She tried not to blush. She really did. Or at least she put up a valiant effort.

_Such a flirt. Did she flirt with me like this when we first started dating? No wonder I was always a stuttering wreck._

**Laura (3:45PM):** Great! It’s a date then! Our second date. But not what I was planning for us. I’m still holding you to a full day this weekend.

Laura had unconsciously found herself smiling for the rest of the day as she went back to work, thinking over just how much Carmilla’s flirting affected her in the best ways. _Well, not just her flirting._ She’d found that pretty much everything about Carmilla made her tingle with anticipation.

Now, a few hours later, shifting in her seat at the restaurant, she glanced down at her phone, noting it was 6:45 and that she hadn’t heard from Carmilla any further for the rest of the day. She picked the device up, contemplating calling when the hightop table beneath her shook and someone sat down across from her.

“Sorry I’m late, cutie. Seriously, worst shoot ever.” Laura smiled and watched as Carmilla sat her messenger bag down in one of the other spare chairs and shucked her leather jacket, revealing a tight, low cut v-neck that had Laura sucking in a deep breath.

_Yep, definitely tingly._

“It’s fine,” she said, her voice a little higher than normal. She coughed once and blinked hard, trying to act like a normal human being instead of a drooling idiot. “Although I **was** beginning to think I’d been stood up.”

“Now why in the world would I stand up a pretty girl like you?” Carmilla leaned forward onto the table, smirking softly.

_How in the world did I ever keep up with her? I was a million times more awkward at nineteen than I am now!!!_

Laura simply shook her head and smiled back, tentatively reaching for Carmilla’s hand, realizing that while she may not be able to tease Carmilla as easily as the other girl could tease her, she could still show her that she was interested.

And Carmilla had been right about what she’d said the night before about the touching. They were definitely ahead of the game there. But dammit, it felt so good to hold Carmilla’s hand. It felt so good to be able to reach out to her without worrying about leading the other girl on, without the intense pressure. Unconsciously she linked their fingers as their server stopped by with the waters she’d already requested and to let them know that their food would be out soon.

“I went ahead and ordered. I hope that’s okay?”

“Perfectly fine, cupcake, thank you. I’m fucking starving. I only had time for a coffee and a Red Bull today.”

She watched as Carmilla battled one-handed with her straw wrapper for a moment, her face a mask of intense concentration, refusing to relinquish her other hand from Laura’s, before finally giving up, tossing the straw aside, and taking a gulp from the glass in front of her. Laura just giggled, squeezing Carmilla’s hand once more, smiling softly at the dark-haired girl who didn’t seem to notice her merriment.

“So, how was your day? What kind of trouble did you get into?”

“Why do you seem to think that I’m always looking for trouble?”

“I wouldn’t say you specifically go looking for it but it always seems to have a way of finding you,” Carmilla said with a smirk. Laura felt the dark-haired girls thumb moving back and forth across her knuckles and she smiled at the soft, comforting sensation.

_She did that last night too. I wonder..._

“Well it didn’t today,” Laura said with a victorious smile. “And my day was good. I sent over my first draft to The Independent.”

“Oh yeah? When do I get to read it?”

“Do you normally read my stuff before it’s printed?”

“Oh, um… well, sometimes.” Carmilla shrugged, taking another sip from her water glass, suddenly seeming a little unsettled. “I mean, I used to. But if for some reason I didn’t get the chance because it was a quick submission or we were busy, I just waited until after it was published.”

“You actually read all my articles?” Laura asked, surprised.

“Well, yeah. Like I said, I used to. I mean, I read pretty much anything and everything you wrote, article or not.” Laura felt something warm fill her chest at the thought of how incredible that was and wondered why it hadn’t occurred to her to ask about this sooner.

“Carm, that’s… I’m not sure what to say.”

“It’s not a big deal, Laura. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked when I get to read it. I just… old habits.” She felt Camilla’s thumb stop and watched the other girl shrink in on herself a little. “I um… I’m happy you got it to them and I hope they like it. Maybe, if they publish it, and if it’s alright with you, then I can read it?”

_Goddamnit, why do I keep messing this up?_

“Carm, no, I wasn’t…  that’s really sweet. I was just surprised that you’d want to read it. I guess… I guess I hadn’t thought about that before. That maybe you read my stuff. That you followed my career.”

To Laura’s horror and confusion, Carmilla suddenly pulled her hand away, leaning back in her chair and away from the table. She opened her mouth to apologize but stopped when she saw their server placing the large extra cheese pizza she’d requested on the table in front of them. She watched Carmilla thank the young girl and then carefully proceed to dish each of them a slice from the steaming pie in between them, her gaze still refusing to meet Laura’s.

And then it was silent. And it was **so** unbelievably uncomfortable. Laura stared, seeing the normal cavalier and confident girl across from her was gone and in her place was a sight that made her ache. Carmilla, she’d discovered, was very good at pretending like everything was fine. But she’d discovered, those intense dark eyes were usually a dead giveaway that something was wrong. And while she might not have been able to pinpoint exactly what the other girl was feeling the way she used to, she at least was able to recognize the signs. And right now, things were most definitely not alright.

_How do I salvage this? How do I fix it?_

“So um… in that case, do I, or did I, look at all the pictures you took?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Carmilla said with a shrug, looking nonchalantly around the room.

“Well, that’s nice. I mean, it’s nice that we were so supportive of each other. It… it would be nice if we kept doing that, right?”

“Laura, it’s okay, we don’t have to… I mean, starting fresh right? We both agreed.”

“Carm, no! Yes, we said we were going to try to start this new but I don’t want to lose all the good stuff that we had. And… we apparently had **a lot** of really great stuff between us.” She watched the older girl finally look up at her, a hint of something else in those sad eyes. “And I might just… need a reminder of all that great stuff.”

Nervously, she reached out once again, leaving her good hand near the middle of the table, praying Carmilla would take it.

_Please, Carm, please…_

She waited a long beat, staring into Carmilla’s eyes, and smiled softly when she felt the other girl finally reach up and squeeze at her fingers.

“You okay? I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just surprised, that’s all.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just…” Carmilla trailed off for a moment, sighing heavily and sinking lower into onto her stool. “I’m sorry. It’s just… this is hard. And I knew it was going to be hard and I’m okay with that. I just don’t want to fuck it up, Laura.”

“Carm, you are not… you are **not** fucking anything up. And, well, neither am I.”

Laura sighed, knowing damn well she was just as guilty of that worry as Carmilla was. If they were going to get through this and make this work, they had to stop worrying about taking a wrong step or saying the wrong thing. Sure, they were both going to make mistakes but that happened in every relationship, new or old. It was inevitable and if they kept letting the fear overtake them, they’d never get anywhere.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel bad but… Carm, just because we’re trying to ‘start over’, that doesn’t mean that we have to lose all that we had. And you’re right, it is hard. But we both knew it was going to be. Just… just please don’t shut down on me, okay? Talk to me. I don’t remember the things we used to do for each other but tell me about them. All that good… that shouldn’t be lost just because we’re trying this now. It can still be a part of our relationship. I **want it** to be a part of our relationship.”

She watched as Carmilla simply nodded and much to her relief, didn’t let go of her hand. It was a small victory, but she’d take it.

“So, you’ll keep reading my stuff and I’ll keep looking at yours, and it’ll be good. I like that idea and…” Laura trailed off, smiling softly at the thought. “You know, I guess I’m also kind of lucky you like to document everything. I’ve been taking advantage of any photo album I’ve come across over the last few days.”

“Oh?”

“I found two more in the closet today and… crap, I’m not like snooping around in your stuff am I?”

“Not even close, Laura,” Carmilla said, chuckling softly. “It’s your house too. You aren’t snooping.”

“But… if there’s somewhere I shouldn’t be looking, please tell me. I don’t want to like invade your personal space or anything.”

“You aren’t.” Carmilla reached out for Laura’s other hand, carefully holding it and frowning for a moment. “I’ll be so glad when this damn cast is gone.”

“You and me both,” Laura said with a huff, making Carmilla laugh again.

“Look, cupcake, you are welcome to look anywhere you want in **our** home, okay? It’s your home just as much as it’s mine and I have nothing to hide from you. So don’t feel bad or worry about coming across something I don’t want you to see because… well, I really don’t have anything that falls into that category, to be honest.”

“Okay. Well, I think one of the pictures I saw today was probably not long after… after we said I love you. When you told me about it last night, I obviously didn’t remember being with you that night but I do remember that storm. It was terrible and most of Silas was totally shut down for days. And today, I found a picture from around that time, I think. It was LaF in a head to toe puffy snowsuit,” she said with a laugh. “With puffy boots. Like full on Randy from Christmas Story snowsuit. I laughed for like half an hour after I found the picture. They looked like such a dork that I just couldn’t help it.”

“Yeah, that storm was pretty crazy. But you had everyone out sledding the next day and LaF ended up plowing into a tree in full head to toe puffy snowsuit. Perry was a hot mess but LaF ended up being fine. I think they just bit their tongue but no other major damage.”

“That’s right, I remember that! I mean, I remember… Perry like hurdled the snow down the hill with her first aid kit, because of course, she brought a first aid kit with her, to get to them and make sure they were okay. And Mel came out. And Danny.”

“And Kirsch was the one that got us all the sleds to use,” Carmilla added. “He kept trying to go down the hill standing on one of them like it was a snowboard and failing miserably.”

“I don’t remember that part but I do remember him being there. But…” She looked down at the hand Carmilla was still holding and frowned.

 _Goddamnit, why can I remember all of that but not her,_ she thought glancing up at an amused Carmilla.

“Laura, stop. I know you don’t remember me being there but, well we’ve kind of already discovered that you remember places and times that I was around for. Like Perry’s dinner party for LaF’s birthday that year. You just… kind of have a blinder over my face.”

“Well that’s a really stupid place to put it,” she pouted.

“Come on, cutie. I mean, this can still be a good thing. Maybe you don’t remember me being there but since we both remember the great sledding fiasco of yore, at least we have some of the same memories, right?” She felt the dark-haired girl squeeze her hand reassuringly once before letting go and taking a huge bite from the slice in front of her, her appetite clearly getting the better of her.

“I guess,” she said with a shrug before smiling as she thought more about that day. “I remember Per fussing over LaF after the tree. And I **do** remember Mel and Kirsch kept trying to race down the hill. And I remember Danny being incredibly grumpy the whole day for some reason.”

“Yeah, um… you were kind of super happy and gloating a bit,” Carmilla said her mouth half full as Laura looked at her curiously. “You were still riding the I love you high. We kind of both were and it pissed her off. It was… oh, it was **so** much fun.”

She tried to fight the smile she felt tugging at the corners of her mouth and shook her head as Carmilla smugly shrugged and took another bite.

“Well, I guess you have a valid point. Even if they vary slightly, we still have some of the same memories and… that actually makes me kind of happy.”

“I’m glad, cupcake.”

“I wonder… I wonder what other stuff we both remember?”

“Well, I’m sure as more time goes by, we’ll figure that out. I mean, it’s probably more likely that you’ll remember things where other people were there. So far, most of what I’ve told you has just mainly been you and me. Maybe one or two of the gingers. But it seems like maybe the more people that are there, the more likely you are to remember it?”

“Maybe that’s because if it’s not just you, then… well maybe…” Laura trailed off, deep in thought for the moment, going over the things Carmilla and her friends had told her over the past month, and cataloging what she already knew on her own. “Maybe that’s part of it but maybe it’s more like what I was focused on.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, yeah if something happened that was just me and you, obviously I have no recollection of it. But I also don’t remember things where you were like, center stage. Like that fight, I had with my friends when we first started seeing each other! Or like the night of the carnival, when **everyone** was there, but I don’t remember it because I was so nervous to be around you! “

“Huh, interesting. So if I’m your main focus at the time, it’s gone but if there were other things for you to pay attention to or worry about, then you might remember?”

“It kind of makes sense, doesn’t it?” She smiled softly, unable to help herself. This wasn’t necessarily ‘good news’ but if this was really the pattern as to what she could and couldn’t remember, it might help them. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re too smart for your own good, creampuff.” Carmilla simply smiled back at her but her eyes danced just a touch as their gazes met. “That’s actually pretty fucking brilliant.”

* * *

She pulled off her jacket, kicking off her shoes at the same time and watched Carmilla close and lock the door behind them. The dark haired girl turned to her, reaching out to take Laura’s coat from her and putting it away next to her own before turning back, shoving her hands into her back pockets and rocking back on her heels.

“So, now what do we do?” Laura asked, smiling softly.

“I guess we’ve come to see one of the fallbacks of dating a roommate.” Carmilla chuckled, running a hand through her hair with a shrug.

“Movie?”

“Sure, cutie, you can pick.”

She nodded and made her way into the living room, taking a seat on the couch and smiling when she felt Carmilla sit close enough that she could feel her warmth through her clothes. She opened her mouth but stopped short when she heard her phone chiming from her back pocket. Pulling it out, she sighed when she saw the screen filled with texts, many with numerous questions marks.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just… my friends.” Silencing the device, she tossed it onto the table in front of her and sat back, in no hurry to answer their incessant questions.

“Are they bugging the crap out of you, wanting to know what’s going on?”

“Ugh, yes!” Laura smiled when Carmilla laughed heartily, loving the sound. “They won’t let up. And it’s partially… or mostly my fault. I mean, I was the one that brought them into this, but I told them that we needed to do this, just you and me. They just… they suck at listening.” Laura giggled again, unable to do anything else.

“Well, they’re **your** friend's, cupcake.”

“Yeah, well according to them, they care about you too.”

“Dammit.” Laura couldn’t stop the laugh that erupted from her throat at that and relaxed further back onto the sofa, her shoulder and thigh now nestled against Carmilla’s. She looked over, seeing the small smile on Carmilla’s face and grinned harder.

“Guess that’s what you signed up for when you hopped on the Hollis train.” She giggled again at the severe eye roll Carmilla shot her and shrugged. “No, but in all seriousness, I know they care about both of us. And I know they just want to make sure everything’s okay. That we’re okay. They’ve seen us together for the last seven years, so I guess it makes sense for them to worry.” She looked down at her hands in her lap for a moment, contemplating their odd little group and frowned slightly, a question that had been nagging at her bobbing to the surface. “Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything, cutie.”

“What happened with Danny? Like, we’re all friends now-”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Carmilla interrupted.

“But… everything’s better,” Laura pressed on, undeterred. “She was actually really helpful during my freak-out about you and… us, the other day. She was… she was really like pro-Carmilla. So… what happened with that because from what you’ve all told me, you guys used to fight like cats and dogs?” She looked up and watched Carmilla’s face take on a darker appearance. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just…” Carmilla trailed off for a moment, her eyes intense as she stared back at Laura. “Do you really still want to hear about our past together? I mean, I know you said you didn’t want to lose the good stuff we had, but… do the actual stories really matter?”

“They absolutely matter and yes, I do still want to hear them. I mean, again, I know I may never get those memories back. But I still like hearing about us. I still like hearing about what we went through and how we got where we were. And I still have a lot of questions. Like I was wondering about the first time we said ‘I love you’ and now I know. And it kind of makes me happy. Plus, how else are we going to figure out what we both remember? I want whatever I can get Carm and those stories… they’re important.”

“I guess but, Laura, the whole Danny situation isn’t a happy memory. I mean…” Carmilla looked away, running a hand through her hair, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. Hesitantly, Laura reached over, taking hold of her hand again and squeezing it gently.

“Hey, Carm, if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. If it’s too much for you, I understand.” She interlocked their fingers as the dark-haired girl finally looked back at her. “I was only asking because… well, I’m curious, but I guess, I’ve been thinking about what you’ve told me. About us at the beginning and… I’m kind of ashamed of myself. For how I acted all those years ago. I was kind of hoping I redeemed myself at some point and maybe earned some good girlfriend points. And you’d said I was the one that eventually put Danny in her place.”

“Cutie, you were an amazing girlfriend. I know the stuff you’ve heard hasn’t painted the most flattering picture. And, yes, there were some rough times. But I don’t want you to feel bad about something that happened so long ago. Something that you’d be none the wiser of if I hadn’t told you about it.”

“I needed to hear it, Carm.”

“Fine, I just…” Carmilla sighed, staring down at their intertwined fingers. “This is definitely going to put a damper on our second date.”

“Well, then I officially declare the date over,” Laura said, attempting to lighten the mood a tad, smiling gently and placing her casted hand over their folded fingers, sandwiching Carmilla’s hand between hers.

“Oh yeah? How was it?”

“Well, you were there!” Carmilla just chuckled and Laura smiled at the sound. She felt the dark-haired girl sigh deeply and rub her thumb across her knuckles twice before reconnecting their eyes, her gaze serious.

* * *

**_Six Years and Eight Months Earlier_ **

_Jesus, what a hot mess,_ Carmilla thought as she took a sip of the cheap beer from the plastic cup in her hand and surveyed the room. It was packed with bodies, loud music thumping through the speakers attached to the walls and even louder drunk college students yelling to one another throughout the crowd. The smell of stale beer mixed with sticky, sweet sodas and cheap vodka was inescapable and honestly, even with her bartending background, starting to make her a little sick to her stomach. This was definitely not a normal party for this house but she’d heard Elsie had been in charge of planning so…

_Well, maybe I’m not that surprised then._

She searched the faces crowding the room once more, looking for the one that had disappeared only five minutes earlier in search of another drink, but once again came up empty.

“Still no luck?”

She turned to her right, finding a curious looking LaF and a swaying Perry standing there, both holding their own cups filled with something neon orange and fizzy. She cringed, really hoping they’d made it themselves and not taken it from one of the incompetent ‘bartenders’ the Summers had hired for the party.

Sighing she just shook her head and went back to searching through the sea of faces. They’d only been at the party for about an hour but she’d been ready to go as soon as they’d walked in. The idea of spending the night with a bunch of drunk idiots when she wasn’t getting paid wasn’t her first choice but Laura had begged her, reasoning that they’d tag along with LaF and Perry, make a quick appearance and then leave and spend the rest of the night together, just the two of them. Carmilla had attempted to argue against the plan but then Laura had given her her best pleading eyes and she’d been a lost cause.

_And now, the little buttertart is totally M.I.A._

“Do you want to go look for her?” LaF shouted as a particularly loud bass beat erupted from the speakers behind them. “I mean, I’m sure she’s fine but if you want, I can go try to find her. Or Per and I can wait here while you go, in case she comes back.”

She turned and gave LaF a quick, thankful smile, noticing Perry eagerly nodding behind them, the straw from her drink stuck to her bottom lip. The ginger duo, while still somewhat annoying and terrible about remembering to knock on closed doors, had actually become increasingly kinder and more inclusive of her over the last month. She figured it had something to do with her finally admitting her feelings to Laura. She knew the tiny brunette had excitedly told anyone who would listen just how in love they were, much to her amusement, and she figured maybe she’d passed their little test and had been deemed worthy enough to be a part of Laura’s life. Regardless, it was definitely easier to be around them and for that, she was grateful.

She was just about to agree to the offer and go off in search of Laura when Perry piped up excitedly, almost tipping over as she danced around with glee.

“Oh, there she is! In the middle with Danny.” The minor slur of her words had Carmilla guessing that the orange concoction had, unsurprisingly, already gotten the better of her but she couldn’t focus on that now. Turning, she caught sight of that giant Lawrence, eagerly talking to her girlfriend in the middle of the crowd. Laura for her part, looked slightly uncomfortable and seemed to be trying to brush away whatever it was Danny was so adamantly carrying on about, but unable to move due to the sea of bodies surrounding her.

_Goddamnit._

Her face set in a menacing frown, she took a step forward only to feel LaF reach out and stop her by the elbow, their grip firm.

“Stay here, champ. I’ll go grab her. Can you make sure Per doesn’t fall over?” Carmilla looked back over to see Susie Homemaker swaying ever so slightly as she pursed her lips around her straw and attempted to drink up as much as she could from the now almost empty cup. Feeling the hand leave her elbow, she turned and watched LaF muscle through the crowd as if they weren’t there to where Laura stood, the smaller girl appearing relieved when LaF finally reached her. Intent on keeping her part of the bargain, Carmilla stepped closer to Perry, letting the curly haired girl lean on her, watching intently as LaF quickly diffused whatever situation had been occurring and hauled Laura back towards the safety of the corner they’d commandeered.

“You okay?” Carmilla asked once they were in range.

Laura simply nodded, a relieved smile crossing her face as she stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s waist beneath her hooded leather jacket, burying her head in the dark-haired girl's neck.

Carmilla stepped away as LaF took on Perry’s weight and wrapped her own arms around Laura’s back, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead, knowing something had transpired that she probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about.

“You sure? What happened?” she yelled over the music.

“Nothing,” Laura mumbled, her lips brushing against Carmilla’s ear. “Danny’s just… she’s drunk. Which, I wasn’t expecting because she’s normally so by the book. But everything’s fine, really. She was just trying to convince me to go out back with her. And I told her I didn’t want to because I was here with you. She just… she just didn’t want to listen.” Carmilla felt the soft kiss Laura left at the juncture between her neck and shoulder and held the smaller girl closer, glaring in the direction of Danny, who was at that moment walking out of the door across the room, none the wiser.

 _She comes near Laura again, I’m finding a stool to stand on and punching her in the fucking face,_ she thought, her blood boiling, jaw set.

* * *

She swore she wasn’t going to let Laura out of her sight for the rest of the night and dammit if that plan didn’t fail spectacularly within the next hour. Laura had left in search of the bathroom, adamant that Carmilla didn’t need to come with her and that they’d leave as soon as she got back.

But she’d been gone for far too long. Carmilla had checked both bathroom lines twice and had yet to find Laura. Wandering around the party probably wasn’t the best plan but she was starting to worry. She’d just finished making another round, noticing LaF and Perry in the middle of the dance floor, pulling some of the most awkward dance moves she’d ever seen, but still no Laura. Turning towards the outside door, she stepped out onto the back patio, finding only a dozen or so people dotting the backyard, none of them the adorable brunette she was searching for.

“Goddamnit.”

“You looking for someone, Black Widow?”

She turned, taking in the barely visible form of Mel sitting by herself only a few feet away, apparently enjoying the refreshing chill of the early March night. She sighed in frustration and shrugged.

“I can’t find Laura,” she said, taking a step towards the other girl. “Don’t suppose you’ve seen her out here?”

“Can’t say I have,” Mel said, taking a sip of her own drink and sitting forward in the wooden Adirondack chair she was occupying. “How long has she been missing?”

“I don’t know,” Carmilla said with a shrug and a frustrated sigh. “Maybe like fifteen or twenty minutes. She said she was just going to the bathroom but I’ve checked both lines down here and nothing.”

“Check upstairs. I know we blocked it off but Laura’s spent enough time here, she knows the house.”

“Yeah, okay. Um… thanks.” Carmilla attempted a small grateful smile before turning, ready to go find her girlfriend.

“Hey.” Mel’s voice stopped her and she turned back, watching the other girl rise from her seat and step forward, her stance one of intimidation.

_Ugh, fuck I do not have time for the whole Sporty Spice, badass routine._

She faced the other girl head-on, not in the mood for banter but also not willing to back down. After all, she’d perfected the whole ‘I don’t give a shit’ mood.

“I just wanted to say, for what it’s worth… you’re not so bad.”

 _What the fuck?_ Carmilla frowned, completely caught off guard by the comment.

“Um, as opposed to what?” she snarled.

“I meant, when it comes to Hollis, you’re good for her… to her.” She watched as Mel looked away for a moment, apparently trying to pick her words carefully. Finally looking back, Carmilla noted her face had softened ever so slightly in the faint light from the nearby hanging lanterns that littered the backyard. “I know I’m not as close to her as the other three are but, she’s still my friend and I care about her. I wasn’t sure about you initially because of what I’d heard. But I was wrong and… look I’m glad you guys got together and I’m glad you’re treating her right.”

“I wouldn’t treat her any other way,” Carmilla said, her face completely serious.

“I know. And I also know that… well, look, I’m not saying Lawrence is my favorite person. We kind of have that frenemy thing going on I guess. And I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad person. But what she’s doing… it’s not right and I don’t agree with it. If she really cared about Hollis, she’d let her be happy with you and not be pulling this underhanded shit of trying to steal your girl.”

 _What the double fuck?_ Carmilla knew Danny had feelings for Laura. She’d known for months now. But she didn’t think Lawrence would actually attempt to do anything more than bad mouth her in order to get Laura to leave. _What is she planning?_

Balling her hands into fists at her sides and scowling, she nodded once, taking half a step before turning back.

“Well if you do see Laura, can you tell her I’m looking for her?”

“Sure, Morticia. Hopefully, you’ll find her first though. This party is insane.”

“Yeah, what the hell’s up with that? Your girlfriend went all out.”

“Elsie?” Mel chuckled and shook her head. “No, we’re over. Too much for me. But then again… you probably knew that.” She nodded at Carmilla, raising a knowing eyebrow and sat back down.

Carmilla chuckled, shaking her head, and walked back into the house, making a beeline for the staircase and taking the steps two at a time. Unsurprised to find a few stragglers upstairs, she pushed past them into the darkened hallway, looking and listening for any clue that would indicate Laura was nearby. Noticing a small sliver of light coming from a cracked door at the end of the hallway, she slowly inched towards it, catching a familiar voice as she got close enough.

“Hollis…”

“Danny, we can’t. Let’s just lay down on the bed and-”

“Laur, come on.” Carmilla stepped to the door, peering inside to see her girlfriend standing toe to toe with Danny, Laura’s hands on the taller girls hips. She practically growled when she saw Danny reach out, brushing some of Laura’s hair behind her ear and cupping her cheek, and felt the bile rising in her throat at the sight of Laura staring up at the taller girl, slowly pushing her back towards what Carmilla assumed was the bed in question. She watched as Danny smiled what was she guessed was supposed to be seductively and let herself be pushed back out of Carmilla’s line of sight, all the while, continuing to hold the smaller girls face in her hands.

_That asshole._

Unable to see anything else, she listened, grinding her teeth as she heard the bedsprings distinctly squeak as it took on the unexpected weight of someone collapsing on top of it.

“Come here,” she heard Danny slur and cringed when a half a second later she heard the same squeak as Laura joined her on the bed. The muted sounds of sheets rustling were audible for a moment before the unmistakable sound of lips meeting met her ears, followed by a soft sigh.

_You fucking idiot. You fell for it! You actually thought she cared about you? You actually thought she loved you? You stupid fucking asshole!_

Ears ringing, Carmilla swallowed hard and stepped back, almost tripping over her own feet as she attempted to find her footing.

Of course, this would happen. She’d fallen in love and now it was time for the mask to come off. Of course, Laura didn’t want Carmilla. Not when she could have Danny, who she’d been head over heels for before Carmilla had come into the picture. The fear of her girlfriend choosing that behemoth had been lodged so deeply in her heart from the beginning, but she’d stupidly shut the door on it a month ago when Laura had proclaimed her love. She’d thought she’d won. She’d believed that Laura was hers and she was Laura’s and that was that. They could be happy and she wouldn’t lose the tiny brunette to that giant redheaded jerk.

_What a crock of shit! What a load of-_

* * *

**_Present_ **

“Wait, hold on! No, that is **not** what happened! I remember that party and…” Laura stopped herself, scooching closer to Carmilla on the couch and desperately grabbing for her hands. “I would **never** do that you, Carmilla. I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I wouldn’t cheat!”

“Cupcake, I know. I mean, I shouldn’t have eavesdropped-”

“Carm! So not the point! I can’t… I can’t imagine hearing that and thinking…” She trailed off, feeling her own stomach start to turn queasy at the thought.

“Yeah, it wasn’t fun to hear. But I guess I was still kind of questioning just how much you actually cared about me. I mean, when you told me you loved me, I thought that was it. I believed you and I was so happy. But after I had time to digest it… I guess deep down, I didn’t think I was really worth it. I still didn’t think I deserved it. I thought… I thought you deserved better. More. And those doubts were sitting there that night when I overheard you guys.”

Laura stared at the amazing woman next to her, hating how vulnerable she looked in that moment. Almost as if she was the same girl from all those years ago, still questioning whether or not she actually deserved Laura’s love.

“Carmilla.” She reached out with her good hand, placing it on Carmilla’s knee just above where her jeans were ripped, squeezing gently. “You’re incredible. You deserve so much love and… my god, Carm, I’m so sorry. I mean, I remember that party. I remember going with LaF and Per and I remember Danny was beyond drunk. And I remember…” She trailed off, looking a little uncomfortable as she let herself drift back down memory lane.

It wasn’t the most pleasant evening, that was for sure. In fact, she hadn’t thought about it in years.

“Laura-”

“No, Carmilla, you know I didn’t sleep with her right? I mean-”

“No, Laura, of course, I know that.”

She looked deep into Carmilla’s eyes, searching for the truth. But deep within her dark orbs, she saw that young, hurt girl still there and felt her heart ache at the possibility that Carmilla ever considered herself not worthy of Laura’s, or anyone else's, love. Without another thought she leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s neck and pulled her in, holding tight, trying to convey her comfort in some way other than words since they just didn’t seem to be enough. She felt Carmilla’s own arms circling her middle, pulling her close, and thanked whoever was listening that Carmilla hadn’t rejected the hug.

“I’m so sorry, Carm.”

“Laura, it’s okay.”

Carmilla pulled back a little, moving her hands to cup Laura’s cheeks and looking at her a little mystified. She felt the dark haired girl brush her thumb along her right cheek and she realized there were tears there. She bit her lip, attempting to stop the flow, unsure of when her eyes had even started watering and hating that she couldn’t hold it together for this moment when she should be the one comforting Carmilla and not the other way around.

_Dammit, pull it together! You need to do this, for her._

“Cutie, you know **you didn’t** actually do anything wrong right?”

“I just… I hate thinking that you thought I… even if it was just that night. That I… and with Danny! Even if it wasn’t true, I hate that I hurt you again!”

“Hollis, this time was different. It was just bad circumstances. You didn’t choose Danny over me that night. You were legitimately trying to avoid her and get back to me so we could leave and go get ice cream but… well, she’s a mammoth and you lost,” Carmilla chuckled, still wiping at Laura’s tears.

“You were going to take me for ice cream?”

“Actually no, you were taking me. I said something about wanting something chocolatey and you kind of smiled all cute and curled into me in that way that you knew made me putty in your hands. And then you told me to wait where I was and to give you two minutes to run to the bathroom and then you’d take care of it.”

“Are you sure I meant ice cream?” Laura hiccuped.

Carmilla just chuckled and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen loose from Laura’s ponytail behind her ear.

“Cupcake, really, you didn’t do anything with Lawrence, okay? I **know** that. And, in all honesty, you didn’t do anything wrong that night. I just heard something that didn’t sound too great but it was completely out of context. And my own insecurities kicked in and… well, it just kind of snowballed from there.”

“But you heard that and thought I-”

“Laura, stop. I pushed the door open like two seconds later and I saw exactly what was happening.”

“Wha… Carm, why didn’t you say that?!”

“Because you interrupted me, cutie,” she said with a chuckle.

“So… so you know what actually happened.”

“Yes, Laura, I know. Or at least I know most of it. I obviously wasn’t there when you ran into her.”

“I haven’t thought about that night in a long time. I kind of wanted to forget about it. And there are pieces missing. I just… I thought I’d blocked them out because I didn’t want to think about it but maybe… maybe those pieces were you?”

“It’s very possible. What exactly do you remember?”

* * *

**_Six Years and Eight Months Earlier_ **

She leaned across the sink, quickly drying her hands and checking her reflection in the mirror. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she nodded and opened the bathroom door, intent upon hurrying back downstairs where her friends were waiting. After all, she wasn’t even supposed to be up here. It had been blocked off for a reason and she really did feel guilty about sneaking into one of the upstairs bathrooms. But she was in a hurry. She was supposed to-

“Ooof!” Rounding the dark corner, she felt herself fall backward as she slammed into something large and solid. Reeling to keep her balance, she looked up, taking in the sight of a confused and incredibly inebriated Danny Lawrence swaying back and forth, semi-covered with the contents of whatever had been in the plastic cup in her right hand.

“Damn, Hollis, you didn’t have to ruin my shirt. No need in getting me all wet.” The tall girl stared at her for a moment and then as if a light switch flicked on, laughed heartily at her own accidental double entendre.

Ugh, she didn’t have time for this.

“Sorry, Danny, I didn’t mean to run into you. I was just trying to get back downstairs. I think we’re going to leave soon.”

“No, you can’t go. We’ve barely even talked all night and… I want to talk to you, Laura.”

“It’s really not a good time, Danny.”

“But I need to tell you something. It’s so important.” She felt Danny’s free hand fall clumsily onto her shoulder, the sudden force pushing her smaller frame back half a step.

_Alright, really should’ve stayed downstairs._

She looked up into Danny’s glazed over eyes, shaking her head in frustration. What the hell was going on? Danny never acted like this. She was the responsible one. The good one. But lately…

Laura knew the older girl had a crush on her. And maybe it was more than a crush. Over the last month or so, it seemed like everywhere she went, Danny was there waiting for her, making sure she got home safely or to class on time. Any time she had free, Danny was asking her to hang out or to go to the movies or to go for coffee. Laura had even come home a few times now to see hot chocolate or fresh baked cookies sitting at her door, always with a tag addressed to her from the tall redhead. Honestly, it was starting to get a little uncomfortable. But not wanting to hurt the redhead’s feelings, she’d brushed it off, hoping that eventually Danny would just get the hint and give up. Then they could just be friends again, which was something she honestly missed. After all, Danny had been a great friend to her at one point.

_Why can’t we just go back to that?_

Danny was great for hanging out and watching the TV shows that no one else liked. And Laura always enjoyed when they met up for pie at Little Slice of Heaven on campus, enjoying listening to the horrible tales of needy first years who bugged the crap out of Danny during the English Lit class she was TA-ing for. But that’s where Laura had drawn the line. They were friends and that was it. No more, no less. Any stronger feelings she’d had for Danny had long since evaporated. She supposed after pining after her for over a year without reciprocation, that was bound to happen. She still cared about Danny, sure. And she didn’t want to not have the girl in her life. But all this pushiness was starting to grate her nerves.

She felt Danny step closer, stumbling a little as she did so, and wrap her arm around Laura’s shoulders, leaning heavily on her slight frame.

“I’m so glad you guys came tonight. You three are like my favorites,” she slurred, taking a final swig from the cup in her hand and tossing it aside without thought onto the hardwood floor. Apparently, she wasn’t on party cleanup duty the next day.

“We’re… glad we came too.” _How in the hell do I get rid of her? I have to get back!_

“You’re so pretty, Laura. You’re like the prettiest girl ever.” She looked up, watching as Danny attempted, unsuccessfully, to focus on her and rolled her eyes.

“Danny, come on. I think you’ve had enough to drink. Let’s get you to bed.”

“Yeah! Let’s go to bed! We can watch Doctor Who and then we can eat pancakes in the morning! That’s such a good idea, Laura!” She watched Danny’s eyes grow wide, smiling excitedly down at her, and leaning even further onto Laura’s shoulders.

“Um… yeah, sure.” Laura realized she’d probably pretend to agree to anything if it meant she could get Danny somewhere safe before she passed out.

She wrapped a steadying arm around her waist and shuffled them towards the room she knew the taller girl shared with one of the younger pledges, the whole time Danny slurring something unintelligible above her.

Finally reaching the bright blue door at the end of the hallway, she pushed it open and turned on the lights, attempting to wrestle the taller girl inside. They got about three steps in when Danny turned slightly, falling off balance as she attempted, unsuccessfully, to kick the door closed behind them.

“Danny, what in the hell are you doing?!” Laura felt most of the taller girls weight fall onto her, her knees buckling under the pressure, and she struggled to keep herself standing. She heard Danny mumble something else as she finally righted them, finding herself now facing the other girl and a little too close for comfort. “Um… uh… maybe you should sit down, Danny.”

“Wait just a second. I have to find my Doctor Who DVD’s and then we can watch it.”

“Danny, how about we watch later, okay? For now, how about you get some sleep?”

“But…” She looked up, watching the taller girls face fall. She looked so sad and Laura hated that a part of her actually felt guilty. But she was sure LaF and Perry were waiting for her. And it would do no good to lead Danny on. “Hey, Laura?”

“What, Danny?”

“I like you so much. Why aren’t we together? We’d be so perfect together and I know you like me too. You’ve liked me for so long now. Let’s just do it. Let’s be together.”

“You’ve had way too much to drink,” she said, shaking her head and attempting to push the taller girl towards her bed by her hips, realizing at this juncture in the evening, there was no point in trying to reason with a drunk person. Especially about a relationship that was never going to happen.

“Hollis…” She pushed harder but Danny held her ground.

Okay, so maybe if she just placated the girl, she could get out of here and back downstairs to the party.

“Danny, we can’t. Let’s just lay down on the bed and-”

“Laur, come on.” She felt Danny reach out, brushing some of the loose hair behind her ear and cupping her cheek.

Six months ago, she probably would’ve been swooning and knocked off her feet with a move like that from Danny. But now… it just felt so clumsy and wrong. She looked up, seeing Danny smiling down at her, clearly thinking she’d won and felt the irritation in her chest flair. This was so stupid. Yes, Danny was her friend but this was crossing a line now  She pushed forward, finally getting Danny to back up and move towards her side of the room, the tall girl landing ungracefully in the middle of the bed as they reached it, grabbing onto one of Laura’s hands as she did so.

“Come here,” Danny said, pulling Laura down and Laura cringed when she realized, even in her drunken haze, Danny was still stronger than she was. She braced herself as she came down face first next to Danny and quickly turned herself over, attempted to push herself up into a seated position. The whole time, Danny sat, swaying next to her, apparently so drunk she couldn’t even sit up straight. She finally sat firmly, feet on the floor, and felt Danny’s head land heavily on her shoulder, awkward as it was since the other girl was so much taller. Half a second later she felt Danny just barely lift up and lean in, leaving a clumsy, loud kiss on her cheek.

 _That’s it!_ she thought, sighing angrily.

She pushed herself off the bed and turned, her face full of rage, staring at a clearly confused and befuddled Danny staring back at her, almost like she didn’t even realize Laura was there.

“What the hell is your problem, Danny?! This is not okay anymore and I’m so pissed at you right now I could…” She trailed off as she watched Danny fall sideways onto the bed, her head landing heavily on the pillow, eyes already closed.

“Goddamnit,” she cried, kicking at the dresser to her right and immediately regretting it when the pain shot through her foot and up her leg. “Ouch! Mother… ugh! This isn’t over, Lawrence! We’re having this out tomorrow, once and for all!” She glared angrily at the sleeping girl, her hands balled into little balls of rage at her sides and stomped her foot once.

_Your hangover headache’s going to be a doozy tomorrow when I’m done with you._

* * *

**_Present_ **

“I walked in just before you kicked the dresser. Lawrence was already passed out cold and you looked like you were about to explode. Not to mention you had a little bit of red schmutz on your cheek from where she’d kissed you.”

“But I don’t remember that part!” Laura cried, her frustration boiling over. She stood up, angrily moving around the coffee table and beginning to pace the span of the room. “The rest of that night is gone! I was so pissed at her and I remember I wanted to tear her a new one but then… it’s like this giant black hole of nothingness!”

“Laura-”

“And, honestly, after that, I don’t remember really anything more about Danny until she introduced me to Betty. And that was… Jesus, that was like months and months later.”

“Laura-”

“And I know that the missing stuff is you! I know that but how in the hell did I lose all of that just because you were there? That’s not fair, that’s not-“

“Laura, stop!” She saw Carmilla stand and round the coffee table, gently placing her hands on her shoulders, stopping her in her tracks. She looked up at the older girl, meeting her soft stare, and released a deep breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Cupcake, it’s okay. Everything’s okay, I promise.”

She felt Carmilla squeeze her shoulders once before slowly trailing her fingertips down, resting them on Laura’s elbows, her thumbs moving back and forth across the bunched up material of Laura’s button down.

Carmilla opened her mouth to say more but stopped, glancing down at where her hands rested on Laura’s arms and slowly pulled away as if she’d crossed a line.

_No, no, no!_

She reached out, fisting Carmilla’s t-shirt and pulling their bodies together, unwilling to let the other girl pull away. She felt Carmilla slowly wrapping her in her strong arms, holding her close and Laura felt herself melt into the embrace, inhaling the heavenly scent that she was becoming so familiar with. It reminded her…

_It reminds me of home. But it’s different. It’s not-_

“You can’t keep spiraling like that, Hollis,” Carmilla interrupted her thoughts. "I know this is frustrating and it’s scary but… you can’t keep beating yourself up over something you can’t control.”

_She’s right. I’m going to end up driving myself crazy if I keep this up. But it’s just…_

“It’s just so hard, Carm.” Her voice was small as she held tighter to the dark-haired girl.

“I know, cupcake. I know it’s hard but… Laura, if anyone can do this… if anyone can get through it and make it to the other side, it’s you.” She pulled her face from where it was buried in Carmilla’s neck and looked up at the other girl. Carmilla just smiled, her eyes soft and affectionate. “You’re… you’re amazing, Laura. You’re stronger than anyone I know. And definitely more stubborn than any human on this planet,” she chuckled. “I know it’s hard and I know you’re afraid, but… you can do this. You can make it through. And… when it gets too hard and you feel like you can’t go on… I’m here, okay? I’ll be right here, by your side.”

“But what about when it gets to be too much for you?”

“Well, that’s what I have you for. That’s what we have each other for, okay?”

_Wow… I… she…_

Laura just nodded, unable to verbalize everything tumbling through her mind, but savoring the comfort of Carmilla’s arms still wrapped around her, her own good hand fisting at the back of the other girl's shirt, almost as if she was holding on for dear life. And in a way she was.

“So then what happened?”

She watched Carmilla glance at the clock and cringe once before stepping back towards the couch, apparently intent on getting comfortable to start the next part of the story.

Laura followed her line of sight and realized, despite her desperation to know what happened, it was far too late to continue this line of questioning.

“Wait, I’m sorry,” she said, pulling Carmilla to a stop. “I didn’t realize it was already after midnight. You probably have something better to be doing huh?”

“Than a second date with you? Not even close. But I do have an early meeting in the morning with JP.” She ran her thumb along Laura’s cheek, ending at her chin, gently tracing the faint scar there. “If… if you really want to hear the rest, I can tell you.”

“Carm, no. I mean, I do want to hear the rest but, you need to get some sleep,” she said, studying the dark circles under the other girl's eyes. “Maybe, if you’re free tomorrow.”

“I’m supposed to meet with Mattie and Will at some point. They’re leaving soon and I haven’t actually spent that much time with them.”

“Shit, Carm, I-”

“No, it’s not your fault. It was my choice, okay?”

“Regardless, go see them tomorrow. We… we have time. We’ll talk later.”

“Are you sure, cupcake?”

“Positive,” Laura nodded eagerly, though she found she was terrified to leave Carmilla’s side, to leave her arms.

This was not what she’d planned for their evening. Why’d she have to ask about Danny? Why’d she have to bring up something so upsetting? She looked up to see Carmilla staring at her curiously and forced a small smile, hoping not to worry the other girl too much.

“I’ll um… I’ll leave you to get some rest.”

“Okay. I’ll probably be gone before you wake up but call me if you need anything and I’ll be here, okay? No matter what.”

Apparently, she wasn’t that convincing or the other girl knew her far too well, but she just nodded, staring up into Carmilla’s caring dark eyes. Unable to help herself, she leaned over slowly, cupping Carmilla’s cheek with one hand and leaving a soft, lingering kiss on the other, the scent of the other girls shampoo assaulting her senses as she did so. She felt the dark-haired girl relax against her lips and couldn’t help but smile.

“Good night, Carm,” she whispered as she pulled away, their faces only a few inches apart.

“Good night, cutie.” She watched as Carmilla swallowed hard and smiled once more before she turned and forced herself to leave the room before she changed her mind.

Making her way to the bedroom, she left the door halfway open, unable to fully close it, and quickly changed into her pajamas before turning off the lights. Climbing into the bed, she pulled the blankets up to her chin and listened. She saw the lights beyond the doorway click off and then the house was silent. She’d tried to forget that night over the years because it really had left an unpleasant taste in her mouth but…

While she knew exactly what had transpired in that tiny bedroom that night, she couldn’t shake the feeling of hearing her and Danny’s conversation from the other side of the door. Poor Carmilla. How in the hell had they come back from that? Laura could only imagine being in Carmilla’s shoes that night and felt sick at the thought. If she had heard what the dark-haired girl described, she would’ve been completely devastated and heartbroken. And while she knew she didn’t actually do anything wrong that night, the thought that she’d let Danny get away with all she had prior made the situation so much worse. She should’ve fixed it back then. She should’ve put Carmilla first and then maybe, that night wouldn’t have even happened. Maybe they would’ve made it to get their ice cream and ended up falling asleep curled around each other, happy and in love. Maybe she wouldn’t be lying here on the verge of tears once again, holding back only because she was so **goddamn** sick of crying.

Rolling onto her side, back to the doorway, she stared at the empty side of the bed. _Carmilla’s side._ Reaching out, she placed her hand on the cool pillow resting there, feeling so incredibly sad and lonely at that moment that it physically hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the feeling that I may have missed the mark on the last chapter or that it fell a little flat for a lot of you. Maybe I'm just having an incredibly crappy couple of weeks. But if you have feedback, please let me know here or on my tumblr. I’m always looking to get better so I welcome any comments you have.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	20. Hold My Cold And Tired Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past, the aftermath and Carmilla finally gets honest. In the present, Hollstein adorableness as they get closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

Exhausted. Drained. Worn down. Again.

It felt like she just couldn’t catch up. She couldn’t catch a break no matter what she did. As soon as one fire was put out, it seemed as though another one sprouted up somewhere else and she was off to fight it.

_Okay, maybe not fires per se but fuck, I’m over this._

She leaned her forehead against the door in front of her, the wood cool against her skin, her limbs laden and heavy under the weight of the past month, wanting nothing more than to go inside and collapse in bed. She knew if she kept going like this she would eventually crash and burn. And that wouldn’t do anyone any good. But it’s not like she could just tap out or say, ‘no thanks, I’ve had enough.’ She had to keep going.

She’d been running all day, from her meeting with JP that ran over to the reshoot that had been rescheduled three times, but still wasn’t completely finished, and then to the restaurant Mattie and Will had picked for them to have a late dinner at. She’d tried to smile and laugh with them and pretend like she didn’t have somewhere else she’d rather be. After all, it wasn’t like she got to spend that much time with them regularly, and she knew she’d miss them when they left. But she really just wanted to just go home and see Laura. They’d been texting that morning, mostly just so she could make sure that everything was okay with the smaller girl but she’d been worried after last night. Laura had been so upset when she’d gone to bed. The smaller girl may have tried hiding it, but Carmilla knew better.

Throughout the dinner, she’d thought she’d been doing a decent job of keeping up the act, laughing at all the right jokes and contributing a solid ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ when called for. At least she thought she was doing a good job until Will had told her to scram, both of her siblings smiling knowingly as she ran out of the restaurant.

And now, she was home. Or at least standing outside of her home, feeling as though she was going to fall over at any moment. And inside was Laura, waiting for her because she’d promised the younger girl that they would talk. She’d promised the eager brunette that she would tell her the rest of the story.

She shifted slightly, feeling the strap of her bag dig uncomfortably into her shoulder and slowly stood up straight. There was no point in delaying this any longer. Not only did she want to get through the rest of the uncomfortable tale that had come up the night before as quickly as possible, but she wanted to actually spend some time with Laura. Despite the texting, she’d missed the tiny brunette that day and the fact that she was now allowed to miss her, or kind of allowed to, made her smile. Just a little.

Unlocking and opening the door, she stepped inside, noting that other than some quiet music coming from the other room, it was silent. Most of the lights were out and it almost felt like no one else was home. She dropped her bag and removed her coat, quietly stepping further into the house and following the soft sounds of Silversun Pickups coming from the living room, searching for the girl that had been at the back of her mind all day.

She rounded the corner, peeking her head in first… and there she was, curled up on the couch, blanket tucked tightly around her small frame, fast asleep. Carmilla smiled softly, feeling the slight fluttering of her heart beating just a little faster at the sight. It was comfortable. It was easy. It reminded her that she was, in fact, home. She stepped closer, smiling as she noticed Laura’s left foot kick ever so slightly, her eyebrows pulled together, apparently lost somewhere in a dream.

_I’ve missed this so much._

Things were different, sure. Laura still didn’t feel for her the way she once had. And they were still ‘new’ to each other in this realm. But it was nice when once and a while, something was familiar. It was nice to get a lifeline thrown out to remind her that she wasn’t completely lost.

She watched for another moment, continuing to smile softly before turning around and quietly making her way out of the room. Despite wanting to spend time with Laura, she just didn’t have the heart to wake the smaller girl. After all, Laura had been having just as rough of a time as she’d been having. The tiny brunette needed some rest and reprieve too.

She made her way into the kitchen, pouring herself a generous glass of merlot, because dammit, she deserved it, before moving out onto the back patio and taking a seat on one of the padded lounge chairs there. It was cool and her fitted sweater wasn’t completely cutting out the chill from the breezy night air, but at least the cold would keep her awake for a while longer. Despite the chillier than normal temperatures, it was a gorgeous night, all clear skies and beautiful stars. She took a small sip of the wine in hand, savoring the flavor and leaned back, looking up at the night sky and feeling a peacefulness overtake her.

Her muscles sunk further into the chair beneath her, her head cushioned at the back of the seat, and she stared up at the glorious sight. Stars had always fascinated her with their beauty and mystery. She’d spent hours as a child, watching them whenever she could sneak away, taking in their utter brilliance and wonder. A few of the state-run homes she’d lived in, despite their unkempt outward appearance, had impressive views of the infinite night sky and she’d often snuck up onto their roofs, her fearless eight-year-old self not caring about slipping or falling or even getting caught. The allure was too great to worry about such trivial things.

When she’d been adopted by Lilita, she’d found the view from her bedroom on the second floor of the east wing to be nearly as impressive but not quite as comparable. There was just something about crawling out onto a slanted rooftop, alone, watching the night skies, that never lost its appeal as she’d grown older. Mattie and Will had quickly learned about her fascination though and soon enough, began following her out on the warmer nights, Will always trying to sit a little closer to the edge in the hope of impressing his sisters, and Mattie simply sitting back, claiming she was only out there in order to make sure neither of them broke their necks but lost in wonderment at the twinkling lights above. Carmilla knew they both secretly enjoyed it more than they let on but kept that tidbit to herself. After all, they didn’t need to know that, while she loved the beauty and mystery above her, a bigger part of her stayed out there just to try and feel a little closer to normal. There was nothing wrong with her when she looked up at the stars. She was like anyone else in the world, not bruised or broken, but just a girl, looking up at the night sky.

She’d shoved that bruised and broken girl deep inside a long time ago in order to survive. That defective little girl that no one had wanted had been hidden away long before she met Laura, so naturally, when the tiny brunette started to peak over the walls she’d so carefully constructed around her fears and insecurities, it had terrified her. What if Laura saw and discovered her secrets? When she did discover those secrets, what if she thought Carmilla was some sort of damaged freak? What if Laura was looking for something that she couldn’t give her? What if she was looking for something that she didn’t have? What if she just simply wasn’t good enough for the other girl?

She’d battled with those fears for so long that it had become second nature. Most of the time, she didn’t even realize she had shut down and it wasn’t until Laura bulldozed through her life and into her heart that she finally had to face them head-on. And it was fucking terrifying.

To be fair, even after Laura arrived, she’d held off dealing with them for as long as she could… until one night… that night, when she just didn’t have a choice anymore. She had to face the truth and all the possibilities that came along with it, including losing the first and only girl she’d ever really loved.

* * *

**_Six Years and Eight Months Earlier_ **

She stared across the room into the dark shadows, listening to the barely audible music drifting down from her usually boisterous upstairs neighbors and sighed softly. She was tired and it was well after three in the morning, so she really shouldn’t be sitting up, picking at a loose thread on the back of the couch, barely able to move. But tonight was different. It had been such a rollercoaster of an evening and honestly, her heart was still feeling a little fragile from everything that had happened over the last few hours.

Actually, fragile was only a part of it. If she was completely honest, her emotions were kind of overwhelming her at this point and she really had no idea how to deal with them or how to move forward. It wasn’t like she had a lot of practice after all. She’d pretty much gone with her standby of just shutting down and shutting everything out, hiding away, when it got to be too much in the past. But now… well, things were a little different.

She looked up at the ceiling as a loud thud sounded above her, rehashing everything that had happened that night and sighing in frustration.

“Feel better?” Laura had clearly not expected to find her standing just a few feet away in Danny’s doorway a few hours earlier at the party, and as the tiny brunette turned towards her, her initially startled face had quickly morphed into something entirely different as their eyes met.

“Carm! I… I was just getting ready to come back downstairs and get you.”

Guilt and fear. That’s what she saw when she looked into Laura’s eyes at that moment and it made her feel so completely and utterly sick to her stomach that she found herself unconsciously swallowing hard, the taste in her mouth acidic and bitter. After all, if nothing was going on her, what did Laura have to feel guilty about?

Carmilla stared for a moment, unsure of what to really say in the situation. She’d been outside the room, about half of a second from running away when she’d heard the squeak for bedsprings followed by an angry ‘what the hell is your problem Danny?!’ coming from her clearly angry girlfriend. She’d braced herself as she stepped closer to the door, pushing it open and peering inside just as Laura let a mighty kick fly at the nearby bureau, the tiny girl immediately flinching and drawing back in pain.

She hadn’t been expecting this. She was sure she’d find something much more intimate occurring within the four walls of that bedroom, but… seeing Lawrence completely passed out and Laura, red and furious, led her to think maybe she’d been wrong. Or at least wrong about what was currently transpiring.

_But it sure as hell doesn’t explain how we got here in the first place._

“Can you walk?” she finally asked, pointing to the foot Laura was currently nursing.

The brunette frowned and glanced down at her own foot before nodding quickly and stepping forward, wincing a little as she did, and stopping just short of where Carmilla stood in the doorway, her fingers nervously fidgeting in front of her.

“I… um… how long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough.”

“Carm, I… I know this looks bad but nothing happened, I swear. I ran into her when I left the bathroom and I was just trying to get her back here before she passed out.”

“Right.”

It was never good when the girl you liked started off a sentence with ‘this looks bad but…’ or ‘this isn’t what it looks like.’ She would know after having been on the other side and watched couples react to the presence of a threat.

“I’m serious, Carm. Nothing-”

“I know.” She didn’t want to listen to any excuses or apologies. She just wanted to pretend like none of this had ever happened and get away. Get away from the situation, the house… get away from Laura. “Well… if you’re okay, then I um… I’m going to take off,” she said, looking down at her own feet, unable to meet Laura’s gaze any longer, feeling her legs itching to run and take her away from this whole debacle.

_Nothing happened._

That much was obvious. But even if nothing had happened, something had led to this moment. Something had led Danny to finally admitting to Laura how she really felt and claiming she knew Laura felt the same. And if Laura really did feel the same, well then what the hell was the point of sticking around?

“Wait! I… Just stay for a few more minutes. I’ll just tell LaF and Perry that we’re leaving and then we can go.”

_Shit._

“I don’t think-”

“There you guys are!” She turned, seeing LaF standing in the hallway, an arm around Perry’s waist, holding up most of her weight as it was apparent the curly haired girl was done standing on her own for the night. “I think we should probably go. It’s getting a little too rowdy downstairs and this one has had enough. We need to get her home.” LaF looked between the two of them, their face curious as though they were picking up something, but then shrugged it off, Perry’s wellbeing obviously more important. “You think you can get her other side, Carm?”

 _You have got to be kidding me!_ She waited a beat, her face hard, waiting for LaF to ask Laura instead, but apparently the little ginger really was completely missing the uncomfortable mood hovering over the room.

“Ugh. Fine,” Carmilla said, rolling her eyes and moving to the girl's other side to help LaF support her.

She chanced a glance in Laura’s direction and saw the worried look on the other girls face, but she couldn’t deal with that now. She needed to focus on something else. And not that she really cared what happened to Laura’s friends but helping LaF and Perry was something else to worry about besides the terrified eyes she felt burning into her back.

_That’s the only reason you’re doing this. So you don’t have to talk to Laura._

After all, it wasn’t like the trio couldn’t make it back home on their own. Sure it was late and the campus was a little wilder than normal as everyone seemed to be trying to shake off their winter cabin fever. But their apartment was only a few blocks away, so there was no reason why they shouldn’t be able to make it without her help. No, she wasn’t hefting the curly haired girl along because she cared. That was ridiculous.

The thoughts had shot through her mind, making her more irritated by the second as she and LaF quickly navigated their way down the stairs and out of the party, each with an arm under one of Perry’s shoulders.

_Goddamnit, why am I doing this? Just because I care about- No! Don’t go there. Just get through this and go home._

Walking the few blocks to the apartment proved a little more difficult than anticipated as Perry’s weight got heavier with each step but Carmilla reasoned, the quicker she got the other girl back home, the quicker she could get away. With her supporting one side, LaF supporting the other and Laura loaded down with everyone’s things, including the shoes Perry had kicked off just outside of the Summers house when she’d decided the grass felt ‘so incredible,’ they thankfully made it back virtually unscathed.

After dumping Perry onto the bed she shared with LaF and making sure she was on her front, just in case, she made her way into the living room and quickly headed for the door without looking back.

“Wait, Carm! Please don’t go!” Her hand was on the doorknob, knuckles tight when Laura’s voice reached her, the panic in her tone poking a hole in the armor she’d put up in the hope of holding everything together until she could be alone.

“Laura, I need to go home. I can’t… I can’t stay here tonight. I can’t stay with you.” She heard the smaller girl step closer but kept one hand on the door, her legs begging to move but her heart keeping her still.

“But… I’m so sorry, Carm.” The ache in Laura’s voice echoed throughout the room making her flinch.

_Don’t cave. Don’t do it._

She knew Laura wanted to talk. The tiny girl had been practically bursting at the seams since the moment she’d found her in Danny’s room but now was not the time. Honestly, she wasn’t sure there would be a time. Why worry about that when she wasn’t sure they had a future?

“I know.” Her voice cracked and she swallowed hard.

“No, really, I’m so sorry. I should’ve just left her to take care of herself but I felt bad and-”

“You felt bad? Really, Laura?” She turned, her brow furrowed, eyes icy. She heard the biting snark in her tone but, dammit, Laura deserved it. “You felt bad so she assumed that it was okay to kiss you and to try to convince you that you two should be together because you both like each other so much?”

“She kissed me on the cheek and I swear, I didn’t know she was going to. I didn’t kiss her back though and if I’d known she was going to do that in the first place, I would’ve stopped her. And, Carm, come on, you know I don’t have feelings for Danny!” She looked away, flinching slightly at Laura’s words because she **didn’t** know that. Not really. “Carm… I know she likes me. I’ve known that for a while. And yes, she’s kind of been pushing for more I guess.”

_Well, there it is. Fuck._

“And I know I should have said something sooner to her. If I’d have put her in her place and told her that she needed to stop or if I’d have told her that it wasn’t going to work or if I’d-”

“Laura, stop.”

She took a deep breath, steeling herself to look into those soft brown eyes and stepped back, feeling the door firmly behind her just waiting to be opened. Finally looking up, she felt her heart ache at the fear locked there but she couldn’t keep getting run over because Laura was scared.

“Laura, I know you’re sorry, okay?”

“No, I shouldn’t get off that easy. I messed up. I messed up big time and… I’m so sorry. I know, words don’t matter right now but I can fix this. I can make this better. I will, I promise. Just please give me a chance.”

“Laura-”

“I don’t want to lose you!”

She looked into Laura’s tear-filled eyes, knowing the smaller girl was hanging onto them by a thread at this point, but dammit, she had to pick her own side this time. She couldn’t keep getting trampled on just because she loved Laura.

“I love you so much. And you’re the only one. You’re it. I don’t want Danny or anyone else, I promise. I need you to believe that. I need you to believe me.”

“I…” She swallowed down her own tears, unwilling to let them escape. “I know you like me, Laura. I know-”

“Carm, I more than like you! I just said-”

“Please, let me finish.” She waited until she was sure the smaller girl would stay quiet, watching her shrink in on herself, and took a deep breath. “I know you like me. I know we have fun together and… maybe you think you love me but… I know how much you care about Danny. I know you’ve wanted her for so long-”

“Stop! Carm, yes I **had** feelings for Danny at one point but those feelings left the building the second I met you. You are the only one I want. You’re it, Carm, it’s only you.”

_No one wants you. At least not like this. You’re not worth the hassle._

“Laura I… I can’t do this. I… I have to go.” And she’d bolted. Straight out the door and down the stairs, running as she finally fled the building.

Getting back to her place as quickly as she could, she’d thrown her jacket into one of the corners and paced around the small space, unable to sit still and unsure of what else to do, her thoughts running a mile a minute but her mind somehow completely blank.

It had been another hour before she finally gave up and collapsed onto the couch, knees pulled into her chest, arms wrapped tightly around them. And now here she sat, still looking up at the ceiling, staring at that stubborn water spot above her that seemed to leak through the layers and layers of paint that had been brushed over it throughout the years in an attempt to mask it.

So Danny had been pushing for more. And Laura had been letting her get away with it because… well because she was Laura and that’s what Laura did. She tried not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

_Is that really the whole reason though?_

And she’d been hiding this from Carmilla which was just… so wrong!

Once again, she’d been putting her friends first, leaving Carmilla on the back burner to just deal with it. _Not surprising. She told you from the start she didn’t want to have to choose. She told you that you were going to have to deal with this, with them._ Of course, she’d be picked second. Or third. Or fifteenth. She was broken. She was damaged. No one picked the wrecked person over someone who wasn’t crumbling in their own ruins. It was too much work and… _not worth it._

_But Lawrence isn’t damaged. She’s normal._

There was no arguing that fact. The taller girl seemed to be friends with everyone, leading the Summers and being admired by all those around her. Carmilla would never admit it out loud, but outside of this little situation with Laura, Danny seemed like she erred on the side of good. She took care of those she cared about and led them, not into danger or the unknown but into safety and comfort. She did what was right. She was smart and accomplished and…

_And I’m none of those fucking things. Why the hell would Laura want me when she could have that? When she finds out just how messed up I really am…_

Which was part of this whole problem. She couldn’t completely blame Laura for this. Yes, the tiny brunette definitely needed to reevaluate her priorities and, while Carmilla couldn’t always come first, Laura had to pick her at least once in a while, right? She was already insecure without the addition of Laura’s constantly putting her friends at the head of the pack. But Laura didn’t really know just how cracked she was on the inside. She’d hidden that ever since meeting the smaller girl, projecting her cool and confident persona instead. She’d been hiding her own feelings and insecurities from her girlfriend for months now and she’d been so convinced that Laura really might reciprocate Danny’s feelings, that she hadn’t considered the fact that maybe Laura really didn’t know just how insecure she was about the situation. If she had known, would she have done things differently? Would she have stopped everything before it even started? Or, on the other hand, would she still even want Carmilla? Would she think that the dark-haired girl really wasn’t worth it?

She’d never been anyone’s first choice but Laura didn’t know that. And again, no, it hadn’t been fair of her to always put her friends in front of Carmilla. But was it any fairer that Carmilla had been hiding all of this from her girlfriend?

Her thoughts trailed off as she thought more on the past. She’d never had someone want her the way Laura did. She’d never had someone love her the way Laura did. Or at least the way she thought Laura might. But did Laura really know her? Or did Laura want something in return for her feelings? Was there some sort of requirement Carmilla had to meet in order for that love to be unconditional? Because if that was the case, well she already knew she was going to fail on that front. No one had ever wanted her for her. Her parents, Elle… even when Lilita finally took her in, her love came at a price, and that price was perfection, which Carmilla was far from.

_And any semblance of love she did have for me went away as soon as…_

No, she wasn’t going to go there. Just because her mother no longer cared about her because she’d been unable to live up to expectations and because she wasn’t ‘perfect’, that didn’t matter. That wasn’t the point here. The point was Laura. The point was whether or not the younger girl was getting what she wanted from Carmilla. Would she be able to give Laura whatever it was she needed in order for her to keep loving her? In order for her not to kick her to the side in favor of Danny?

_You’re a fucking wreck of a human. You’ll never get to keep her._

* * *

**_Present_ **

“Please don’t tell me you’re sleeping out here now.” The voice from the doorway made her smile and she turned back, seeing a sleepy Laura Hollis in an oversized sweater and loose sweats leaning against the doorframe, staring at her.

“Just enjoying the view,” she said, slowly sitting up, her eyes never leaving Laura’s face.

“Carm, you’re exhausted, why don’t you just go to bed?” Laura closed the door as she stepped out onto the patio, hugging her arms around herself to ward off the chill.

“Well, where’s the fun in that?” She smiled softly as Laura shuffled over and sat next to her on the lounger, the smaller girl making sure their bodies nestled snugly together.  

“Carm…”

“I’m okay, really. Just had a long day. I didn’t wake you when I came in did I?”

“No.” Laura bumped her shoulder into Carmilla’s, smiling softly, her eyes still a little tired, a few wayward hairs sticking out of her ponytail. “But you should’ve woken me up. I was waiting for you.”

“You wanted to hear the rest of the story.” She tried to mask the defeat in her tone but knew she did a horrible job as soon as the words left her mouth.

“No. I mean, yes, I do. But… I just… I wanted to see you,” Laura answered shyly and in an utterly clichéd reaction, Carmilla felt her heart skip a few beats.

Carmilla smirked, noticing the tips of Laura’s ears reddening just the slightest bit but decided to take a sip from her nearly empty wine glass instead of teasing her any further.

“So, um… did you have a nice time with Mattie and Will?”

“More or less. How about you? What did you do today?”

“Wrote and I actually met up with LaF and Perry for dinner. I ran my memory theory by LaF.”

“Oh, what did they say?”

“That, of course, I would forget everything where you weren’t the end all, be all, center of my world,” Laura giggled and Carmilla couldn’t help but smile along with her. “Per then gave them her stern face and they stopped teasing me. But they think it definitely has potential to be the driving force behind all this amnesia crap. They wanted to research it a little further.” She paused for a moment, her smile fading and her eyebrows pulling together. “Danny… well, she came by with Betty as we were finishing. It was… I don’t know, it kind of felt weird after last night.”

“It shouldn’t feel weird, Laura. She’s still your friend and, even though it took a while, you guys have mostly gotten past all of that.”

“Mostly?”

“Well honestly, you two have never been as close as you were before everything happened. But if it helps, she never tried anything like that ever again.”

She watched Laura shrug, her gaze fixed off in the distance, though on what, Carmilla wasn’t sure.

She would never be Danny Lawrence’s number one fan, that was a given, but at that moment, she felt terrible, worrying that she may have just driven Laura away from someone she cared about in a time where she was still so unsure about so many things.  Laura needed all the support she could get right now. She didn’t need to feel awkward and uncomfortable around someone that was actually still familiar and safe.

_Shit._

“I shouldn’t have told you about it.”

“No, Carm I’m glad you told me. I mean, everyone had kind of hinted that something had happened. And I asked. I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t really want to know.” She watched Laura meet her gaze, her eyes intense and felt the smaller girl carefully reach for her hand, her fingertips cold from the chill. Carmilla squeezed her hand once, carefully running her thumb along the fingers she could reach, attempting to warm them a little. “Even if you hadn’t told me, I needed to hear it from someone. And… I’m glad it was you. I like hearing new things, sure but… I think it’s better when I get to see it through your eyes. It’s reassuring somehow.”

“Reassuring?”

“Yeah. I think… maybe because I know how much you care about me, I know you wouldn’t tell me something and purposely try to sway my opinion one way or another. I know you only want to help and… I trust you, Carm.”

Carmilla swallowed the lump suddenly in her throat and looked down at their joined hands, an unexpected warmth overtaking her chest. Laura trusted her.

She hadn’t even realized that trust was something she was going to have to earn back in all of this but apparently, she’d already done it. And she wouldn’t lose it, that was for damn sure.

“Okay. Well… let’s head inside then. I need a refill and I’ll tell you the rest.”

“Are you sure? It’s already late.”

“Yeah. I kind of just want to get this one over with,” she sighed, finally looking up and meeting Laura’s anxious eyes.

_You have to trust her too._

* * *

**_Six Years and Eight Months Earlier_ **

She stared at the solid door in front of her, taking a deep breath and hoping she wasn’t going to back down. She had to face this, she couldn’t keep running away. Maybe Laura wouldn’t want her, maybe she would. But either way, they needed to settle this now, once and for all.

She could hear muffled voices inside but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Honestly, she was a little surprised at the volume level. She was pretty sure Perry would’ve had the apartment on noise lockdown from the wicked hangover she was undoubtedly nursing, but apparently, she’d been wrong. She looked down at the tray of four cardboard cups in hand, one being the ginger tea she’d specifically picked up for the curly haired girl, figuring it would help a little with the morning after carnage and attempted to prepare for the worst.

She’d spent the rest of the night sitting on the back of her couch, staring out the sole window in her apartment, watching the night sky slowly shift as the minutes ticked by into hours, finally taking in the beautiful blues and purples shifting to reds and oranges as the sun slowly rose, signaling the start of the day.

 _I shouldn’t have run away. I should’ve stayed and at least talked to her. I should’ve at least been honest._ Laura was, by no means, in the right here, but that didn’t mean she could just hoist all the blame onto the smaller girl. Laura wasn’t a mind reader. She had no idea how Carmilla was feeling or what she was thinking, and as hard as it was going to be, it was time to tell her.

She knocked softly and waited, her heartrate picking up as the seconds ticked by. She heard the sound of the locks turning, the clinks sounding louder than normal, and a moment later, LaF opened the door, obviously surprised to see her.

“Hey, bad seed.” Her lips quirked up the tiniest bit at the toothy grin they sent her and she stepped across the threshold as they held the door open.

“I um… I brought coffee and… well, this one’s for Curly Sue,” she said, passing over the cup in question.

“For me?” She looked over, surprised to see a bright-eyed Perry in the kitchen, apron in place and apparently making enough cookies for a community bake sale if the counters littered with delicious smelling sweets were any indication. She wiped her hands on the apron as she came closer, smiling brightly. “That is so sweet of you, Carmilla. Oh and ginger tea, one of my favorites!”

“How are you not dead right now?”

“Freak of nature,” LaF answered, taking the cup Carmilla was handing them as Perry just rolled her eyes and walked back towards the kitchen where her oven timer had just gone off.

Carmilla looked between the two, clearly confused before the voices she’d heard outside the front door caught her attention once again. She looked towards Laura’s bedroom, the door closed but she knew who was in there with her girlfriend and she felt her blood instantly boil in fury.

_Lawrence._

“They’ve been at it for a bit now. Danny showed up this morning trying to apologize and Laura’s been letting her have it ever since,” LaF said as they guided Carmilla by her shoulder towards the kitchen and onto one of the stools there, almost like they were guarding her from running out again.

“Oh. I didn’t… I guess I shouldn’t have just shown up like this,” she said, shaking her head to rid it of the murderous thoughts rapidly firing through.

“Nonsense, you’re always welcome here, dear. Croissant? I just made them this morning.”

She waved away Perry’s offer, her stomach still a little queasy from the last twenty-four hours.

“She’ll be glad you’re here,” LaF said quietly from their seat next to her. “She was… she had a pretty rough night. She was worried about you and… well, I’m hoping the fact that you brought her a coffee too is a good sign?”

“I just…” Carmilla shrugged. “I just wanted to talk to her.”

“Laura, please just stop and listen to me! I am so sorry. I know whatever I did, it was wrong. But I swear, I don’t remember anything after running into you in the hallway. It’s completely gone.”

“It doesn’t matter if you remember it or not! Blackout drunk is not an excuse for any behavior. You were a complete jerk. And dammit, you know damn well that I’m taken. That doesn’t mean you get a free pass to try to get me to be with you!”

“Come on, Laura, just let me explain, please!” She looked at the closed door, feeling slightly bad that she was eavesdropping but unable to fight her curiosity.

“There’s nothing to explain! This is not okay, Danny. **We** are not okay! You… you were supposed to be one of my best friends. You were supposed to support me and stand by my side. You weren’t supposed to try and steal me away from my girlfriend!”

“She’s not good enough for you!”

 _Fuck._ She knew Danny had her there and the thought made her shift uncomfortably in her seat.

“Oh, and I supposed you are?!”

“Well-”

“No! **Not** the right answer! And if anyone isn’t good enough, it’s me. She deserves so much better than me. So much better than the way I’ve treated her.”

_She doesn’t really believe that, does she?_

“Laura, come on, that’s ridiculous. I mean, fine you’ve got a crush on her-”

“Dammit, Danny, a crush? Carmilla is who I love. I’m totally and completely head over heels in love with her. She’s it, she’s who I want. And now… now I may have lost her. I may have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me and there’s nothing I can do about it! All because I was just trying not to hurt you. Because I put everyone else before I put her! Because I was afraid!”

“Laura, right there. If she’s just going to run off because you care about your friends, she’s clearly not worth it. She doesn’t love you.”

“Care about my friends! Jesus, Danny, if she’d treated me the way I’ve been treating her, all of you would be begging me to leave her, and you’d be right to do so!”

“She’s got a point there,” LaF mumbled as Perry shushed them.

“And she does love me! I know that because she shows me every day. But of course, she’s going to run off! When you treat someone like crap, you can’t really expect them to stay!”

_I show her every day? Goddamnit if I fucked this up…_

“Laura, just calm down, please. I get that you’re upset but remember, you still have people that care about you. I’m here and LaF and Per-”

“Yeah, well I don’t want you here anymore, Danny.”

 _Whoa. What?_ Her interest peaked even more as the silence in the other room stretched on for a moment too long and she wasn’t quite sure if that made her happy or worried.

“What are you talking about, Laura?”

“You’re not a good friend, Danny. I was happy and you didn’t respect that. You didn’t respect me. You didn’t respect Carmilla.”

“Laura, come on, we’ve been friends way longer than you’ve been with her. Hell, way longer than you’ve even known her. You’re really going to choose her over me?”

“Yes! Yes, I choose Carmilla. And honestly, I don’t even know if I still have her in my life. For all I know, she’s completely done with me. But either way, whether I have her or not, I still choose her.”

“Laur… seriously?”

“Danny, you were always a good friend. Until she came along. I don’t like who you’ve become though. And just because you don’t like Carmilla, that doesn’t give you an excuse to behave the way you have. It doesn’t give you an excuse to bad mouth her or try to get me to break up with her. Or to try to steal me from her. You had your chance, Danny. It’s too late.”

“Laura-”

“Go! Just get out! I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Carmilla stared at the door, caught between wanting to run in there and toss Danny out herself and stuck to her seat, waiting to see if Laura really meant it.

Ten seconds later she watched as Danny stormed out, heading for the front door, her long legs carrying her there in just a few steps. She stopped as she reached for the handle and Carmilla once again felt LaF grab at her arm to hold her back. She hadn’t even realized she’d stood up and started for the taller girl, her hands already in tight fists. She glared, jaw set as Danny turned, making eye contact and seemingly surprised that anyone else was in the apartment, let alone at seeing her standing there. She watched as Danny rolled her eyes and turned back, walking out and slamming the door closed behind her.

“You good?”

She felt the tight grip LaF still had on her and took a deep breath, hoping to calm herself. It would do no good to go after Danny right now. And that wasn’t why she’d come here in the first place.

She just nodded, stepping back, but keeping her fists clenched. She needed to settle down. She couldn’t start a conversation with Laura when she was ready to rip someone’s head off.

“Guess we’re officially off the Summers invite list for any upcoming parties.”

“LaFontaine! Really?”

“Just attempting to break the tension, Per.”

“Well you two are more than welcome to do whatever the hell you want with her, but I’m done! I’m so over her-”

Carmilla watched Laura emerge from her room, her face immediately changing from irate to shocked as their eyes met.

“Wha… you’re here,” she said, her eyes wide, mouth open. “I… I was going to try and call you later but I wasn’t sure if you would answer or not, and…”

She took a step towards Laura, unable to stop herself, and saw the tears suddenly shining in her eyes, though she wasn’t sure if they were for Danny and the end of their friendship or something else.

“I just thought that we should probably talk,” she finally answered.

“We’ll just um… give you guys some privacy,” LaF said from behind her and she watched out of the corner of her eye as they scurried after Perry into their shared bedroom, closing the door behind them.

She stared at Laura, looking so completely terrified at that moment and her heart broke for the smaller girl. Laura owned her heart and was, therefore, her weak spot. But she had to focus on why she was here. They needed to get everything out in the open. This whole dodging and hiding routine had to stop.

“I honestly wasn’t even sure if I’d see you again. I mean, I figured I might run into from time to time on campus but…” Laura trailed off, running her hands through her hair, gripping the ends tightly for a moment, and Carmilla saw a wayward tear slip out. “I just didn’t expect you to stop by now that we’re… now that we’re broken up.”

“Laura…” This. This was why she had to stop hiding and avoiding everything having to do with her feelings. “I didn’t break up with you.”

“But last night, you said you couldn’t do this. I thought-”

“I needed a timeout. And maybe I should’ve been more clear about that but…” She moved back to the kitchen stool behind her, sagging onto the seat and sighing. “We need to figure this out.”

“Carm, I’m so so sorry. I mean, I totally understand why you got so upset. I let this whole thing with Danny go on for far too long. And I’ve been picking her over you and that’s just… so wrong, Carm. It was so unfair of me and it had to stop. I couldn’t… I can’t keep doing that to you.” Laura quickly made her way closer, stopping just a few feet away, an invisible boundary keeping them apart.

“I didn’t… I didn’t ask you to choose, Laura.”

“No, you didn’t. But she pushed the envelope.” Carmilla just nodded, still worried that Laura would regret her decision later on. In fact, she was sure she would, but they needed to focus on them right now, not on Laura’s friends.

“How long has it been going on?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I think initially I just thought she was being nice like she always was. She used to do nice things for me that never meant anything more than a friend being kind to another friend. But then… Carmilla it doesn’t matter. I should’ve stopped it and I should’ve told you. I just… I didn’t want to upset you. I didn’t want you thinking that maybe I was considering breaking up with you for her. I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Laura, I…” _Just say it._ “I was already worried.”

“What?! Why?”

Carmilla looked down at her hands for a moment, her brow furrowing in fear. _Here goes nothing._

“Laura, do you really love me?”

She looked up seeing the utter shock on the smaller girls face as she took a step closer, her hands knotted in front of her.

“Carm, yes. I am so in love with you that sometimes I can’t even breathe. How can you even ask me that?”

“Because I need to know. And I need to know… do you love Danny?” The thought made her stomach churn but she had to get through this.

“No! Look, Carm, I cared about her and… okay, maybe I loved her as my friend. But that’s it! I used to have feelings for her, yes, but I haven’t had those feelings in a really long time. I meant it when I told you that those feelings were gone from the moment you came into the picture! And… those feelings… it was a crush, that’s all. I never was in love with her!”

Carmilla just nodded and looked down at her hands, feeling that deep ache still but unable to voice anything more.

“Carm, I messed up. I know I did. I’ve been putting you second this whole time and I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I should’ve taken care of the Danny situation a long time ago. I never wanted you to doubt my feelings for you just because… just because of all of that.” She moved closer, cautiously taking the stool next to Carmilla’s, her eyes still filled with unshed tears. “I love you so much and I just-”

“Why?”

“I… what? What do you mean why?”

“Why do you love me, Laura?” She looked up, seeing the truly confused expression on Laura’s face and shrugged. “I mean, there’s a lot about me that isn’t very lovable. There’s a lot about me that you don’t know. Things that I haven’t let you see. And… Danny’s right, I’m not good enough for you. So why-”

“Stop. You are the most amazing person I have ever met, Carmilla Karnstein. You are wonderful. I know we still have a long ways to go but I love so many things about you.” She trailed off for a moment, fidgeting in her seat as her eyes searched Carmilla’s for something, though Carmilla wasn’t sure what. Taking a deep breath, she finally continued. “Look, I know you don’t want me to see certain things about you, Carm. I know you’re scared if I see them, that maybe I won’t like it.”

Carmilla stared back in wonder. How did Laura know that?

“I don’t know all of your fears or even how deeply they go but I do know there’s something you’re afraid of, Carm.”

“How… how did you know…” Carmilla couldn’t even begin to voice her thoughts.

“Investigative journalism. I watch people. And… I love watching you,” Laura giggled, still teary-eyed.

“Laura, there’s just so much… and eventually the past… it’s never fully gone, you know? What if I’m just too broken? Or what if… what if you decide I’m not worth it?”

“Carm, you can’t seriously think you’re not worth it.” Carmilla just shrugged. “No, I… I don’t know everything about you or your past yet. And yes, something might come up that isn’t the most flattering. But… that goes for both of us. You have to know that I don’t expect you to be perfect, Carm. You’ve been through things that I’ll never understand but you will always be worth it because, despite your imperfections, you are so wonderful and so remarkable and… dammit, Carm, I love you so much and as long as you’re good to me, the way you have been, that’s all that matters.”

“You say that but-”

“And I mean it! If you’re worried that I’m going to see something new about you or something in your past and think you’re unlovable or that something is wrong with you, you’re wrong. Carm, you are **such** a good person. You take such good care of me and you take care of Kirsch and Mattie and Will. You even take care of my friends. As pissed as you were last night, you stuck around to help them and… Carm I am so lucky to have you. I don’t care about the past. I just care about the here and now. And right here, right now, I know just how much you love me and how amazing you are and that you put up with all my crap and… Carm, you’re not unlovable. You’re incredible.”

She looked away for a moment, the affection flowing out of Laura’s gaze too much to handle. Laura loved her despite her faults. Laura loved her even though she wasn’t perfect. Laura was choosing her.

“Carm…”

She finally looked up, hearing the sadness overtaking Laura’s voice and the sight that greeted her took her breath away. Laura’s tears had finally overtaken her and the smaller girl looked like she’d just lost everything.

“I… I understand if you don’t want to keep doing this. And I’ll respect that. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, I can’t fault you. But, Carm, if you give me one more chance, I promise-”

Carmilla cut her off, pressing their lips together in an urgent, tear-filled kiss, holding the smaller girls face gently between her hands, her thumbs brushing away the tears. She couldn’t imagine a world where she would no longer want Laura. Where Laura wasn’t worth the fight. The plucky brunette had come into her life like a hurricane, tossing away and turning over everything she knew, but somehow, making her world a brighter and more beautiful place. No, she would keep fighting for Laura so long as Laura fought for her.

“Carm?” Laura asked as she finally pulled away, resting their foreheads together.

“I’m not going anywhere, Laura. I promise.”

“So… so we’re okay then?” She couldn’t help but chuckle at the earnestness in Laura’s voice.

“We’ll get there.”

* * *

**_Present_ **

“That’s… wow. That’s kind of intense.”

“Understatement. But we figured it out.” She felt Carmilla’s eyes on her, gaging her reaction. “Are you… is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just…” She shrugged, turning towards Carmilla, those dark eyes so intense as she waited for Laura to finish. “It’s just a lot. Sometimes it’s kind of overwhelming to hear and know that it was me there with you, you know?”

She watched Carmilla just nod and look away, her brow furrowed, eyes downcast in a look that Laura was starting to recognize as self-doubt.

Laura turned, pulling her legs up next to her onto the couch and giving their joined hands a gentle squeeze.

How in the hell did someone as amazing as Carmilla have such a load of insecurity sitting in her chest? How was the incredible girl so timid and vulnerable? She’d seen some of the vulnerability over the last month as they’d attempted to adjust to the situation and to each other. And Carmilla had even come out and said that she had those fears and uncertainties when they first started dating. But it almost seemed to Laura that they were starting to resurface. Like with the accident and the memory loss, Carmilla really was so completely unsure in her ability to win Laura back, that she had lapsed back into those old, fearful behaviors. It truly made Laura’s heart break for the dark-haired girl and she was now even more bound and determined to make Carmilla see just how remarkable she was.

“Hey, I trust you remember?” She waited for Carmilla to look up at her, those eyes widening just the tiniest bit. “And I’m glad we made up… I’m glad I finally did something right.”

“Laura, that was so not the moral to that story.”

“Yes, it was, in a way. I’ve gotten to hear all these great things you did for me. It was nice to finally hear that I chose you. That I made the right decision.” Carmilla shook her head and opened her mouth, clearly about to disagree when Laura stopped her with a small smile and firm finger to her lips. “Don’t argue.”

She felt the dark-haired girl's breath tickling over the pad of her finger and smiled harder at the sudden change in Carmilla’s eyes from discouraged to something else entirely. Laura wasn’t sure if it was surprise or something a little more risqué, but either way, she’d take it.

“Thank you for telling me,” she finally said as she moved her hand down, letting her fingertips ghost across Carmilla’s chin before pulling back entirely.

Carmilla just nodded and Laura gently smiled, cuddling in closer and feeling the older girl do the same.

“So I guess that explains why I don’t remember Danny being around after that for a really long time.”

“Yeah,” Carmilla said, clearing her throat once before continuing. “LaF and Perry cut her out too. Mel still talked to her occasionally, with the whole Summers thing but even they were strained.”

“How long did that last? I mean, obviously, not forever.”

“The fight was at the beginning of March and I think the next time we saw her was at a Halloween party the Summers had. She’d already graduated that May so you weren’t worried about running into her but she was there with Betty. They’d been dating for a while at that point.”

“I do remember meeting Betty for the first time. It’s not crystal clear but the gist is there.” She looked away for a moment, swallowing hard before looking back at Carmilla, the dark-haired girls head slumped against the back of the sofa. “So I have to ask. Even with Betty in the picture now and I’m assuming lots of apologies and groveling, you’re okay with all of this? Like that we’re all friends still?”

“I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t my first choice but… well, she was a good friend to you at one point. I knew you missed **that** relationship, that friendship, and… I knew that’s all it would ever be. You spent a long time after that making sure I knew just how much I meant to you. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s still never really liked me. But the four of you are like… I don’t know, you’re important to each other.”

“Well, something must have happened to make her come around. A least a little. Like I said, she was totally on your side the other day when I was crying at LaF and Perry’s dining room table.”

“That actually… surprises the hell out of me, to be honest. Maybe it was her doppelgänger.”

“Doubt it,” Laura said with a giggle. It was quiet for another moment before she spoke again, unable to help but apologize for the past. “Carm, I know you’re probably sick of hearing it, but I am sorry.”

“Laura, we’ve both made mistakes. You don’t go seven years with someone without tripping. But I don’t want you to feel bad.” She felt Carmilla sag a little further into the couch beside her. “We got past all of that. I know you still want to hear stories but… good, bad or in between, just listen. You don’t have to hold onto the guilt.”

“It’s just hard. I just… I hate hurting people I care about. And… I care about you, Carm.”

“I care about you too, cupcake.” She felt Carmilla’s thumb tickling across her index finger and smiled.

She looked down at their intertwined fingers, the sight making her lighter as she gently toyed with Carmilla’s fingertips with her other hand.

Even now, after hearing all the stories she had, she still wondered how in the hell she’d ever gotten so lucky as to find Carmilla Karnstein and fall in love with her all those years ago. And even more than that, how she was now getting a second chance to do it all over again. Yes, it was still early between them and they had a long way to go. But Carmilla was right. The other girl had been fighting for Laura this whole time and now it was Laura’s turn to fight just as hard. She wasn’t sure who in the universe had granted such great favor upon her but she would always be so incredibly grateful for the chance she’d been given.

“Carm?”

She looked down and to her right where the older girl had slouched in on herself and smiled softly when she saw Carmilla had finally fallen asleep. She watched for a moment, taking in her relaxed features, so calm and peaceful.

_So incredibly beautiful._

She watched for another moment, smiling softly when she realized that just like the younger version of herself, she really did love watching Carmilla, before carefully moving away and laying the dark-haired girl onto her side. Carmilla stretched out further along the couch as her head hit the throw pillow and Laura smiled even further at the sight. No traces of walls or insecurities. _Just Carmilla._

Laura reached for the blanket across the back of the couch, opening it and letting it flutter over the small form. She stared for another moment before leaning down, unable to help herself and leaving a soft, lingering kiss on the dark-haired girl's forehead.

“Goodnight, Carmilla.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally was so unhappy with this chapter but after I stepped away for a few days and came back to it, I actually changed my mind. Let me know what you think.
> 
> tumblr:dogsbeerandawesomeness


	21. I Never Did Believe In Miracles, But I've A Feeling It's Time To Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where the gingers give advice (never good), Laura adorably tries harder, and Carmilla is wrapped around her tiny little finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

“Laura, sweetie, you didn’t make us choose,” Perry said, trying to reassure her for the fifth time during the phone call. “Really, we didn’t know the extent of what was happening but after that party and the fight, you told us and, well we both felt that it would be best to just let Danny go on her way. Yes, she was our friend and we cared about her, but we loved you too much to just sweep it under the rug like it was nothing.”

“But, Per, I just don’t get it. I mean, how did we go from that to now, where we’re all still friends again?” Laura rested her phone between her ear and shoulder as she attempted to open the door to her building and wrestle her and her things inside.

“Well, we forgave her. We never forgot but, there was no sense in holding a grudge. It’s bad for the skin you know. And she did her penance. Now, it’s more just that we’re all friends in a group. We never see her in a one on one setting and she’s accepted that that’s just the way it’s going to be.”

“So we only see her when all of us are there, together?” Laura asked, stepping into the elevator and dropping her bags in a pile in the corner. “I mean, now that I think about it, I know that that’s the way it is. I just didn’t realize…”

She thought about that fact and how different it was from when they were younger and first starting college. She’d spent hours alone with Danny, just the two of them, and it never meant anything. It never caused any issues or problems between them or among anyone else in their group. And it was fun!

_But that was all before Carmilla._

“Well, that’s mostly true. There is the occasional couples dinner with her and Betty, but that usually doesn’t fall into your realm. It’s generally more something LaFontaine and I sometimes agree too.”

“So, she and Carm definitely still don’t see eye to eye?”

“They tend to just avoid each other, which is easier to do when there are more people around. They bicker sometimes during game night or if we’re all together at dinner but it tends to be fairly quick and quiet compared to the way they used to get after each other.”

“I don’t know, Per, the whole thing just seems so odd. Like now that I know about it, I feel like I shouldn’t talk to her anymore.” She grabbed her bags up once again as the elevator stopped, the doors opening with a soft chime.

“Laura, did Carmilla ask you not to talk to Danny anymore?”

“Well, no. But I just… I feel like I’m doing something wrong by keeping her in my life. Like… like I’m hurting Carm.” She stopped, waiting in the hallway, not wanting to go inside while she was still having this conversation. Not that she was hiding it from Carmilla, but she wanted to try and wrap her head around the situation before she brought it up to the older girl again.

“Laura…”

“I just…” She sighed heavily, staring down the hallway towards her front door, seeing the gold _307_ shining against the dark wood like a beacon. “I just want to make sure that I’m doing the right thing here and now. What happened in the past, I can’t go by that anymore. There’s too much still missing and… I have to go by the present. And I think… ugh, I think I need to talk to Carm about it some more.”

“That sounds like a very well thought out plan, sweetie. I’m sure the two of you will work something out.” Laura giggled at the upbeat tone, unable to help herself, and started walking quickly towards the door as she said goodbye.

She did need to talk to Carmilla about this. Something about it was just grating at her nerves. Something wasn’t quite right. Why had Danny been given a free pass to just come back into her life like that? Sure, Danny was a great friend to her at one point. But even if that was the relationship that they tried to resume, why was Carmilla okay with that? And more importantly, by letting it happen, was she once again putting her friends in front of the older girl?

She shook her head in frustration as she unlocked and opened the door, glancing at her phone when it dinged in her hand to see a new text from Perry with a thumbs up emoji.

 _Miss Positivity,_ she thought with a laugh.

“Well, well, well. The prodigal daughter returns.” She looked up from her phone, surprised by the smooth voice greeting her and felt herself immediately shifting nervously as she met Mattie and Will’s intense gazes from across the room, the two siblings sitting at the dining table with Carmilla, both once again looking like they’d just stepped off of a runway in Milan.

“Oh, hi! I um… I didn’t know you guys were stopping by today.”

“Well, we weren’t just going to leave without saying goodbye. That would be incredibly rude and ill-mannered of us,” Mattie said with her perfect smile.

“Two things that we are but still…” Will joked as he took a sip from the coffee mug in front of him, smiling over the rim.

Laura just nodded, setting her things down and losing her jacket before coming further into the room.

The last time she’d seen Carmilla’s siblings was when she had been awkwardly reintroduced to them a few days earlier, and honestly, this moment was just as uncomfortable. She had no idea how she was supposed to interact with them and the last thing she wanted to do was say something stupid or to give them a reason to think that Carmilla sticking by her side was a bad idea and that Carmilla should forget about her and move on with her life.

_Just relax. Calm down. Be norm- no don’t do that! Just… just be polite._

“Well, um… I’m glad you guys came by to see Carm before you left.” Her eyes locked onto Carmilla’s, her nervousness amplifying just a bit but changing somehow. Less anxious nervous, more excited nervous, a distinction she didn’t have to walk herself through. That excited nervousness seemed to always be lingering just below the surface when Carmilla was around and she’d begun to wonder if it had ever faded for her old self. She couldn’t imagine how incredible it would be to have seven years of that bubbly feeling sitting in her chest but if anyone could provoke it, she was pretty sure it was Carmilla Karnstein.

“How was the research, cutie?” She blushed at the nickname and smiled as she stepped towards Carmilla’s high back chair, slowly reaching out and resting her palm atop it, the fingertips of her right hand gently dancing across the other girl’s shoulder. She felt her stomach flutter when the dark-haired girl unconsciously leaned ever so slightly towards the touch, their eyes never leaving one another’s.

“Good. I think I got what I was looking for.” She stared down at Carmilla, softly smiling up at her, her dark eyes crinkled at the edges just the slightest.

“Little Lois Lane, always looking for an angle.”

“What’re you guys up to?” she asked, choosing to ignore the comment as she looked back up at the other two.

_See? Good, polite question. Not at all awkward._

“They were actually just getting ready to leave. Their flight’s in a few hours.”

“You’re both heading back to New York?”

_Two for two! Way to go, Hollis!_

“I have a client I need to meet with tomorrow and then… au revoir to the west and bonjour to my beautiful Paris.”

“I’d love to see Paris,” Laura said with a small dreamy smile, watching as three sets of eyes immediately locked on her.

_Dammit! I was doing so good._

“Um… cupcake,” Carmilla reached back, gently taking hold of Laura’s hand. She noticed the amused looks on Mattie and Will’s faces before seeing the slightly disappointed look on Carmilla’s. “We were there for two weeks last summer.”

“What?! Dammit, seriously?” She immediately frowned as the other three chuckled at her outburst but she was so over this whole amnesia crap.

Carmilla stood, still holding onto her hand and loosely wrapping her other arm around Laura’s waist.

“We did a little tour of Europe in June. Spent about a month there just going wherever we wanted. That included a two-week stint in Paris.”

“Ugh, of course. I finally get to go to Europe and it’s been wiped away. Stupid memory!” She felt her frown deepen.

“We have lots of pictures, cutie.” She felt Carmilla tug at her waist momentarily, attempting to offer some sort of comfort before pulling both hands away and she immediately missed the contact.

_Why does she keep doing that? She won’t hold onto me for more than a second unless I keep her hand there._

“And you can always go back,” Will suggested, pulling her attention back to the group. “We were actually talking about meeting up in Barcelona in the spring.”

“Oh! Um…”

 _A meetup with Carm’s family?_ Spring was still months away and left plenty of time for the two of them to keep working towards rebuilding. But it was still a huge commitment in the scheme of things. She turned just in time to see Carmilla shrug at her brother, her eyes a little downcast. _No. We’re not doing this._

“That actually sounds really great, Will.” She smiled when Carmilla turned to her, her perfect eyebrows raised ever so slightly in surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I think it’s only fair,” she teased. “I lost that whole trip and I think you need to make it up to me.”

“Oh, that’s how it is, huh? Well in that case, maybe we can think about-” Carmilla was cut off by the sound of her phone ringing on the counter behind them. She quickly reached for it, grimacing slightly as she moved away. “Just give me a minute you guys. I have to take this. This client’s been up JP’s ass and he’s been trying to set something up for them.”

She turned and made her way towards the office as she said hello and Laura just smiled after her. Work Carmilla she’d found, was a sight to behold. So put together and focused. So in charge.

She turned back seeing Mattie and Will both still staring at her, their faces a little more somber than a moment earlier and she swallowed hard, her smile immediately fading. Forget anxious nervousness. Suddenly she was terrified.

_Say something! Anything!_

“Hey, um… so I’m sorry for kind of bogarting Carm’s time while you guys were here,” she said. “I didn’t mean to but-”

“Nonsense,” Mattie interrupted, her features never changing. “She was exactly where she was supposed to be.”

“Yeah, and we had more of her than we could stand,” Will added in with a small, lazy grin.

“Still. I just… I know she probably wanted to spend a lot more time with the two of you while you were here.”

“She hasn’t really said much but, I’m assuming things are a little better between the two of you?” Mattie’s look was now one hundred percent hard and Laura was a little scared to answer, to be honest.

“Um… well…” She tried to hold her hands still in front of her but her fidgeting fingers apparently had a mind of their own. “I mean, we talked and we are going to try to be together. Even though we aren’t where we were before… we’re both trying. I… I want to make this work.”

“I’ll only say this once then,” Mattie said, rising from her seat and stepping forward, her eyes icy. “You be good to her, Laura Hollis.”

“Mattie…” Will warned, though Laura noticed he’d also stood and the way he slowly buttoned his sportcoat reminded her of a scene out of an old gangster movie.

 _That scene right before someone gets shot,_ she swallowed.

“No, it’s fine. I-I get it,” Laura stuttered with an eager nod. “You’re just looking out for her.”

“We are,” Will agreed.

“And as much as we love you, dear, and please know that we do, if you’re not serious about this, about her, you need to do the right thing and end it now. She does **not** deserve to be dragged through this only to come out on the other side completely destroyed.”

“I know, I get that,” she said, her eyes darting back and forth between the two. “But… I am serious. I know it’s all still really new, at least in my mind, but I really do care about her. I don’t want to hurt her. And I’m going to try my absolute hardest not to.”

“You’d better not.” Mattie stared at her for another long moment, her eyes challenging before she smiled wide and relaxed her stance, turning to Will. “You know, we never got to give her the whole ‘hurt her and we’ll kill you’ speech. I kind of like that we finally got the chance.”

“Come now, we’re not in the business of killing, Mattie,” Will added with a mischievous smile. “Maiming and torture maybe, but never killing.”

Laura couldn’t help but swallow hard. If anyone was capable of any of those things, she was pretty sure it was Carmilla’s family.

“Oh, uh… um…”

“Okay, sorry about that,” Carmilla said as she emerged from the hallway and stopped near where Laura stood, their shoulders barely brushing as she did. “What did I miss?”

“Just talk of torture,” Will answered with a grin and Carmilla just sighed.

“I’ll be so glad when you idiots are gone.”

“Well, you’re getting your wish. We should probably head out.” Laura watched as the two siblings rounded the table, both giving Carmilla a hug goodbye and whispering something in her ear that just had her nodding.

“You take care of you, too,” Mattie said quietly as passed Laura, Will smiling only a step behind her.

She watched Carmilla walk them to the door, saying their final goodbyes as they walked into the hallway and then they were gone.

“Has anyone ever told you guys that you’re all scary as hell?” Laura asked after Carmilla had closed and locked the door behind them. She pulled at her t-shirt, the material sticking slightly to her from the nervous sweat that she hadn’t even realized had broken out on her skin.

“Yes actually, all the time,” she chuckled. “Why, what did they say?”

“I’m sure nothing out of the ordinary,” Laura answered, shaking her head and leaning forward over the kitchen island, letting it hold most of her weight. She watched Carmilla’s smile slowly slip from her face as she wandered over and sat at one of the stools there. The dark-haired girl’s disposition had changed and there was an easily explainable sadness now lingering on the surface. “You’ll miss them won’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Carmilla said with a shrug. “It would be nice if we got to see each other more often but, well, it’s not easy when we all live so far apart.”

Laura just nodded, understanding the feeling as thoughts of Sherman and Sunday breakfasts and fishing trips popped into her head.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get to spend that much time with them.”

“I spent enough,” Carmilla said with a chuckle. “Believe it or not, I think I’m the most tolerable of the group.”

“I do believe that,” Laura giggled. She leaned further over the counter, resting her hand near Carmilla’s and letting her fingers dance across the older girls knuckles. “I… you probably wanted us all to do something together, didn’t you?”

“It would’ve been nice, sure,” Carmilla said with a shrug, her eyes focused on where Laura’s fingers skimmed over hers. “Just, not in the cards this time. But… next time, maybe… if you think you’d like to that is.”

“Yeah, I think I would like that. Just, try not to leave me alone with them.” Carmilla just chuckled in understanding. “It was nice to meet them though. Or to meet them again.”

“Well, I’m glad you did. They’re important to me and… well, you’re you so…”

Laura watched Carmilla smile gently at her and suddenly, the idea of talking more about Danny was the last thing she wanted to do. Why bring up ugly memories when they could possibly revel in ones that were bound to be more enjoyable to relive?

“When… when did we actually meet each other’s families?”

“Oh, is it story time now?” Carmilla teased with a smirk.

Laura just shrugged.

“Well, cupcake, how about we order in something to eat and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Deal.” Laura extended her hand for a handshake, a goofy smile taking over her face, making Carmilla laugh and link their hands. She purposely held on a little longer than necessary.

* * *

**_Six Years and Four Months Earlier_ **

“I don’t know, Laura. I just…”

“Do you… do you not want to meet him?” Carmilla watched the other girls face fall and immediately felt awful.

“Cupcake, no, that’s not it at all.” She pulled Laura closer to her, an arm wrapped around her shoulders as they sat side by side. “I just… I’ve never had to meet the parents before. And… well, come on, Laura. I’m not the girl that you bring home to dad and introduce as your girlfriend. I’m the girl you bring home to dad to piss him off.”

The news of Laura’s dad coming to visit had been completely out of left field. One minute they’d been cuddled up on the couch in Laura’s apartment, watching an old horror movie that Laura had shockingly agreed to watch when Carmilla had teasingly suggested it, and the next, out of nowhere, Laura was attempting to casually mention that since she wasn’t going home for the summer, Sherman Hollis was coming for a visit to check up on his one and only daughter.

“Carm, that’s crazy,” Laura said with a giggle. “You’re amazing and he’s going to love you.”

“Cupcake, no parent loves the girl who spends hours naked with their daughter.”

“Carm!”

Carmilla just chuckled, wondering if this was a new record. She was sure she’d never seen Laura as red-faced as she was in that moment.

“And besides that fact, I highly doubt **your** dad, captain of all overprotectiveness, is going to have any warm and fuzzies for me.”

“Look, if you’re really that uncomfortable with meeting him… I understand and… you don’t have to.” She watched Laura’s face fall even as she attempted to put on a brave smile. “I just… I just wanted him to see what a great girl I’d found. That’s all. But really, it’s not a big deal.”

 _Goddamnit._ She was so completely and utterly wrapped around the tiny brunettes finger that it was ridiculous.

“Alright, fine, I’ll meet him,” she said with a sigh. Laura immediately squealed and wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s neck, leaving numerous kisses along her jawline as she hoisted herself into her lap.

“Really? Are you really okay with meeting him? You’re the best girlfriend ever!”

“Mm-hmm, you say that now…”

“Really, he’s going to love you. And even if he doesn’t, that’s not going to change my mind,” Laura said, pressing their foreheads together.

“You promise?” Carmilla asked as she leaned forward, letting their lips gently brush together.

“Always,” Laura affirmed with a soft kiss, ghosting her fingers over Carmilla’s jawline.

That had been three days ago and Carmilla had been nervous ever since, her anxiety growing with each passing day. At this rate, she’d be a complete nut job by the time Sherman got there the following week. But she had to figure out how to deal with it. After all, she’d promised Laura she’d meet him and she wasn’t about to back out when she knew just how much it meant to the tiny brunette. So far she’d been channeling the extra nervous energy into work, picking up extra shifts so that she could save for her next and final year at Silas, but even that hadn’t been enough to take her mind off of things.

She’d been wracking her brain on what else she could do though and so far had come up empty. Unsure of where to really look for a meeting the parents tutorial, she’d even gone so far as to ask the ginger twins if they had any sage advice. She’d stopped by the previous day after she was sure Laura had gone to class, thinking they might be her best bet. After all, they’d met him and might have some perspective and good inside information. And while she believed Laura when the tiny brunette had promised that she wouldn’t let her dad’s opinion sway her feelings, weirdly she found that she still wanted to make a good impression on the older Hollis.

“Wear something hard and impenetrable. And maybe a face mask. Something to protect your eyes. He likes bear spray.”

“LaFontaine, that is not helping!”

“Well, what do you want me to say, Per? Once he lays eyes on bad seed here, there’s no way in hell he’s going to let Frosh keep seeing her.”

“Now that’s Laura’s choice, not his. She can make up her own mind.”

“Sure she can, but it’s going to be kind of hard to keep seeing Carmilla when Papa Hollis locks L in a tower with a moat and one of the fire-breathing dragons to guard it.”

“LaFontaine, stop this now!”

Carmilla had just shaken her head and left the apartment, listening to the sounds of the two of them bickering as she made her way down the hall. It had not been a productive visit and only served to make her more anxious about the impending introduction. Something must’ve stuck though because later that night, she’d actually even briefly considered the idea of at least looking into some sort of protective eyewear, just to be safe but had quickly nixed the idea.

Now, she still had a few days left to figure everything out but she was honestly too exhausted to even think about it at the moment. She climbed the stairs to her apartment slowly, tired from her early shift at the bar but looking forward to seeing Laura for a late dinner. They’d agreed to meet up and spend the night stuffing themselves and watching bad movies that they could mock. It was just the thing she needed to take her mind off of all of this.

Reaching her floor, she shuffled to her door, boots heavy on her feet, and attempted to unlock it, finding it curious that she didn’t hear the normal clinks from rusty gears moving inside.

_Shit, did I forget to lock it this morning? Fuck, the last thing I need is for someone to break in and steal what little shit I actually have._

She pushed the door open with a sigh, stepping inside and finally looking up, her eyes going wide as they did.

“Carm! Hey, you’re home!”

She attempted to reel herself in as she took in the sight of her obviously very nervous girlfriend standing next to a middle-aged, frowning man that she immediately recognized from the pictures in Laura’s bedroom as Sherman Hollis.

_Fuck…_

“Dad, this is Carmilla.”

She watched him cross his arms over his chest, frowning further as he looked her over. She glanced down, taking in her painted on leather pants and tight tank top covered in strategic rips and tears and shuddered. Great outfit for getting tips, bad outfit for meeting her girlfriend’s father in.

“Ah, yes, the famous Carmilla. Laura’s told me a lot about you,” he said, stepping further in front of the tiny brunette, almost like he was trying to shield her.

_Little late on that front dude. No, don’t say that!  You need him to like you._

“Uh, yeah. Hi.” _Super eloquent, Karnstein. Great job._ “I mean, hi, uh, nice to meet you.”

“Dad surprised me and came **early** ,” Laura said from behind him, her eyes wide and pleading. “And he wanted to take us both to dinner. I tried calling you but you didn’t answer so…”

“Yeah, I didn’t have my phone out since I was working.”

She looked around her apartment, cringing further when she saw the clothes scattered on her dresser, dishes in the sink, books all over the floor. Even Laura’s school work and laptop were scattered messily across the scuffed up, second-hand coffee table in the corner.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!_

“Um… sorry about the mess. I uh… I didn’t have time to pick up before work this morning,” she said, nervously rubbing at the back of her neck.

“It’s fine, Carm,” Laura reassured her while Sherman merely grunted. “I know you’ve been picking up extra shifts. And I’m sure you’re tired but do you want to maybe grab a quick bite with us?”

“Uh, well…” She watched Laura mouth a ‘please’ to her, her hands steepled in front of her, and nodded once. “Yeah, sure. Let me just change really quick.”

“Great, um, dad, how about you go downstairs and start the car? We’ll be down in just a minute,” Laura suggested, attempting to usher him towards the door.

“ **You’ll** be down?” He looked at her like she was crazy for wanting a moment alone with Carmilla but Laura just shook her head and literally pushed him out of the apartment, leaning against the closed door with a sigh once he was finally out.

“I’m so so so sorry, Carm.”

“How did you guys end up here?!”

“Well, I was going to surprise you with… something,” Laura blushed as she pushed off the door and walked further into the room. “And so I came by about an hour ago and let myself in with that beautiful shiny new key you just gave me.” That brought a smile to both of their faces.

Carmilla had invited Laura over just two weeks earlier for dinner in and had gifted the smaller girl with her spare key, much to Laura’s absolute delight. Carmilla had to practically hold the smaller girl down in order to keep her from running out and immediately making a spare key for Carmilla for her own apartment.

“You really like that key don’t you?”

“I **love** that key,” Laura said with a bright smile. “But anyway, apparently he just showed up at my apartment and LaF and Perry, who are now dead to me, told him I was here and gave him your address. I got a text from them like two minutes before he knocked letting me know!”

“I’m going to help you kill them.”

“I really am sorry,” Laura giggled as she grabbed onto Carmilla’s hips and pulled the dark-haired girl closer. “But at least I had enough time to make the bed and hide the underwear laying in the middle of the floor.”

“Hmm, that underwear was your fault, cupcake,” Carmilla said, leaning in and leaving a soft kiss on the other girl’s lips. “You were the one who ripped them off of me last night.”

“True.”

Carmilla just sighed and moved away towards her closet, looking for the most modest outfit she had. _Which is…? Shit I own nothing appropriate for this. Shopping should’ve been on the preparation list._

“I have no fucking clue what to wear, Laura.”

“Carm, it’s okay. I already told you, he’s going to love you,” Laura said as she reached into Carmilla’s closet and pulled out a simple beige sweater, handing it over with a smile. “Eventually.”

“Great. Can’t wait.” She pulled her tank top off and the sweater on and ran her fingers through her hair. How in the fuck had this whole thing gone so sideways, so quickly?

“He’ll be in protective dad mode for a bit… but once he sees just how amazing you are, he’ll come around. I promise. You just… have to make it through a few dozen grillings first.”

“A few dozen?!” Carmilla’s eyes widened comically as she turned to the smaller girl.

“Well…” Laura shrugged but the adorable smile on her face somehow made Carmilla feel lighter. She felt Laura reach for her, pulling her in and wrapping her arms loosely around her waist. “It might be a little rough… but I promise I’ll be right here for every single second.”

“You better,” she said, pressing their foreheads together and heaving a heavy sigh.

Laura’s fingers drawing small circles against her lower back melted her even further and she leaned in, gently bringing their lips together, searching for that little bit of reassurance, and just like Laura had promised, it was there. She took in the sweet smile on Laura’s face as they parted and couldn’t help but smirk.

“So, the surprise you had planned… was it dirty?”

“You’re terrible,” Laura said with a small blush. “And yes. Yes, it was.”

* * *

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, attempting to take up as little space as possible, watching Laura and her dad go back and forth with different inside jokes and old anecdotes. They were like two peas in a pod and it was clear just how much Laura admired him. Of course, that didn’t make her feel any better about the current situation but it was incredible to watch Laura light up around him in a way she’d never seen before. It was different than when Laura lit up around her. It was… _so beautiful._

“So, Carmilla.” She turned, snapped out of her Laura induced trance to Sherman’s hard gaze and immediately tensed back up. “Laura tells me you’re from Chicago.”

“Uh, yeah. That’s where I grew up…” She watched his eyes harden a little more and felt herself shrink further into the chair. “Uh, sir.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Laura attempt to cover a giggle before mouthing ‘relax’ to her from behind her hand.

“You have family there?”

“Um, my mother still lives there.”

“Carm’s sister is in New York and her brother just graduated from Stanford,” Laura added.

“Stanford? That’s an impressive school.”

Carmilla just nodded as she took a bite of her pasta. She definitely wasn’t hungry but if her mouth was full, maybe she could avoid saying the wrong thing. Or speaking at all.

“How is it that he went there and you ended up at Silas?” She heard how condescending his tone was but it didn’t surprise her.

“Silas is a good school, dad,” Laura added.

“It is. I’m just curious at the vast difference. Just asking a question.”

“Silas just happened to have a good program for what I wanted to study,” Carmilla shrugged. There was no point in trying to compare Silas to such a prominent and well-known institution like Stanford. And she really wasn’t about to bring up that when her acceptance letters came, Columbia at the top of the pile, she’d voluntarily chosen to go to Silas instead.

“And what are you studying?”

“I already told you, dad. Carm’s an amazing artist but she’s looking into photography.”

“Ah, yes, of course. Point and shoot. So how much do photographers make? Or are you planning to be a bartender for the rest of your life?”

_Ouch._

“Dad!”

Laura’s hopeful, helping face was gone, taken over by shock.

“It’s okay, Laura. Um, depending on how good they are, they can make some decent money. It takes time to get there though. And a lot of effort.”

“You don’t strike me as a give it your all kind of girl.”

“Dad, seriously! Stop it!”

“I’m just trying to get to know her, Laura. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yes, I do, but I don’t want you belittling her!” Carmilla looked around nervously as some of the other restaurant patrons turned towards their table at the sound of raised voices.

“Well, what did you expect, Laura? You call me and tell me you’re staying here for the summer for school and then conveniently mention that the girl you’ve been dating is staying too and I’m not supposed to see the correlation here?”

“Dad, I’m taking summer classes! Yes, Carm’s here during the summer too and yes, I am so happy that I get to see her and not have to spend three months missing her. But I told you months ago that I was planning on staying this summer. Just because Carm’s here too you think that-”

“I think that you should be focusing on your school work and spending your free time with your friends. Not on some… sex, drugs and rock and roll girl that you’ve only just met.”

“Oh my god, dad, I met Carm in September, right after my birthday! I didn’t **just** meet her. And I am focusing on my school work and I spend tons of time with LaF and Perry!”

“Are you focusing on your school work?” Sherman suddenly asked, turning back towards Carmilla, his voice gruff.

_Shit._

“Oh, uh… well, I’m not actually taking classes this semester,” she said.

“So then what’re you doing? Just bumming around all summer, distracting my daughter!”

“Dad! That’s enough!”

“Laura, I get. You’ve gotten a little taste of freedom and you’re on your own in this city. I get that you’ve met this girl and you think she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. But you’re only nineteen!”

“Yes, I’m nineteen, dad! You can’t keep treating me like a little kid!” Laura said, slamming her palms down on the table.

“Maybe I can’t! I know you’re going to grow up and find your own way. I know you’re going to meet someone you want to spend your life with. But, Laura, I told you, you better find a girl who deserves you! And this girl,” he ranted, waving towards Carmilla, “is definitely not what I had in mind!”

“Dad! You can’t-”

“Laura, it’s okay,” Carmilla interrupted, raising her own voice just enough. She knew they’d never get anywhere at this rate. And maybe they’d never get anywhere period, but she had to do this herself. She couldn’t let Laura fight this battle for her. “Mr. Hollis… I’m not trying to do anything to take away from Laura’s studies. She’s a dedicated student and you should be proud of just how much effort she puts towards school, not to mention the time she spends working at the school paper. And no, I’m not bumming around. I just… well, my scholarship only covers so many credits a year. Luckily, I’m on target to graduate next spring but… well, summer credits just weren’t in the cards this year.”

She watched as he stared back at her, almost as if he was trying to figure out an angle.

“Dad, you’ve been gracious enough to me when it comes to school. You pay for me to go here. But Carmilla doesn’t have that luxury. She’s putting herself through school. Her family… well, I didn’t tell you any of this because it’s her business, not mine. But she doesn’t have the support I do. So please, just stop giving her such a hard time about it. She’s not some slacker, just coasting by. She’s incredibly intelligent and she works really hard.”

He continued to frown, looking between them and Carmilla realized they weren’t making any headway. But she needed to try. She needed him to see just how much she cared about Laura and that she wasn’t trying to do anything to hurt the younger girl.

_You went for broke with her. Maybe if you do it again…_

“Mr. Hollis, I know how much you love Laura. I know she’s all you have and I know I’m probably not what you had in mind for who you wanted her to end up with. But I’m not trying to steal her away or anything like that. She’s an amazing young woman and you should be very proud of the daughter you’ve raised. She works harder than anyone I’ve ever met and… well, I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but I do love her. Very much. And I only want what’s best for her. I only want her to be happy and safe. We may not agree on much but I think that’s one thing we can see eye to eye on.”

She kept her eyes on Sherman but saw Laura smiling at her out of the corner of her eye, the tiny brunette joyfully wiggling in her seat ever so slightly. Sherman held her gaze, his frown still firmly in place but his eyes softening just the slightest.

“Well… I mean…” He ran a hand across the top of his balding head and glanced at Laura, who still sat beaming proudly. Sighing, he finally looked back to Carmilla, pointing a menacing finger at her before continuing. “This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. I’m watching you.”

Carmilla simply smiled. That, she could handle.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“So how is everything else there, sweetheart? You having any troubles?”

“No, I’m good, dad.” She looked over, taking in Carmilla sitting on one of the kitchen stools, laptop open in front of her, earbuds in and quietly singing along to a Fleetwood Mac song as she worked.

 _Of course, she has a nice voice, too,_ Laura thought, wondering if there was anything the other girl didn’t do well.

After they’d finished their dinner and the story, Carmilla had moved into the kitchen to start working while Laura had called her dad, the story making her miss him as it was pretty much exactly what she’d expected. Overprotective Sherman Hollis, an armored beast on the outside and an absolute teddy bear on the inside. She didn’t have to ask how things were between him and Carmilla after all these years. She’d seen them together at the hospital before she’d been discharged and the quiet and kind gestures between the two of them let her know that she had absolutely nothing to worry about on that front.

“Everything here is actually really good,” she tacked on, as she kept her gaze on Carmilla.

“Are you sure, pumpkin? I mean, you still haven’t gotten your memory fully back. Maybe you should see another doctor.”

“Dad…” She heard the overpowering concern in his voice and hated that she couldn’t make it better. “It’s not the doctor. It’s just… well, I might not get all of that time back. Which is terrible but… I’m trying to deal with it as best as I can. I mean, it could be so much worse. It’s bad enough that I’ve lost Carmilla but I could’ve lost absolutely everything.”

“I know, sweetie but-”

“And, like I told you, we have discovered that there are still some things that I do remember. Which is helpful. And… I don’t know, gives me a little hope I guess. Maybe I won’t get everything back but I can still have my life.”

“That’s a very mature outlook on things, pumpkin,” he said after a long pause and she could hear the pride in his voice. “What about everything else?”

“The doctor said my arm’s almost completely healed and the cast can come off in about a week. And my ribs feel great, surprisingly.”

“Well, that is good. And… Carmilla’s been taking care of you?”

“Yes, dad,” she giggled. She looked over at the dark-haired girl, still completely oblivious to the phone conversation, head bobbing and giving Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie a run for their money. “She’s been absolutely amazing.”

“Good. She’s… well… you know, sweetie, I didn’t know at first if she was right for you.”

_Shocking._

“And, it took me a while to come around, I know. But, she’s a good kid, Laura. She’s always done right by you.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to see that myself.” They talked for another moment, mostly about things back in Toronto and how all her friends were fairing in Silas before they hung up with a promise to talk again next week. She placed her phone down on the kitchen table, eyes already on Carmilla, who still sat at the island, lost in her own world.

Everything that Carmilla had been through for her, had taken on for her… it was truly incredible. She couldn’t even begin to fathom just how much you had to love someone in order to do that. But apparently, that was how much Carmilla loved her. It was so incredibly mind-boggling and overwhelming, but at the same time, so safe and reassuring.

She smiled a little more as she made her way further into the kitchen, pulling out a box of cookies from the pantry. She turned and her eyes immediately found the other girl as she did, her heart skipping a little as her stomach fluttered. She took in the other girls features, attempting to take in everything she could and thinking about how a younger version of herself had probably spent hours doing the same thing all those years ago.

“What?” Carmilla asked, finally looking up and noticing her staring. She pulled her earbuds out, the music so loud Laura could hear it from where she stood and furrowed her brow as she waited for Laura to answer.

“Nothing, I just… nothing. Sorry.” She looked down at her hands fidgeting in front of her and smiled harder.

“You sure? Everything okay? Sherman okay?”

“Yes, Carm, everything’s good. He kept asking when he could come check on me but I talked him into pushing his trip off until Christmas.”

“He misses you.” Carmilla shrugged. “Are you sure you don’t want to see him before that though? I mean, I know you miss him too, and he’s always welcome here, cutie. He usually stays in one of the nearby hotels but he could even stay here if you wanted him to. We can finagle something in the office. Maybe get an air mattress? Or, if you wanted… you could always go see him.”

“Trying to get rid of me?” Laura teased.

“Not even close, Hollis,” Carmilla answered with a smirk. “I just thought, maybe…”

“Wouldn’t you miss me so much though? Bugging you for stories and trying to figure out where everything is around here?” Laura asked with a giggle.

Carmilla just smiled softly at her, all teasing gone from her eyes.

“I’d miss you like crazy, Laura.”

“I’d miss you too. A lot.” And dammit, would she ever.

She stepped forward around the corner of the island, standing only a few inches away, once again shyly glancing down at her restless fingertips.

“What’re you working on?” she asked, finally looking up and casting a glance at Carmilla’s laptop.

“Just some proofs from this week. I was trying to get as much done tonight as I could so that I’m freed up for the weekend.”

“So asking if you want to watch a movie is out of the question?”

“With you, creampuff?” she asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. “Never.”

* * *

But apparently, a movie was just too much effort.

“Cupcake, go to bed,” Carmilla chuckled as she looked over, watching Laura’s heavy eyes attempting, unsuccessfully, to focus on the television.

“But then the night’s over,” she whined, laying her head on Carmilla’s shoulder and nestling into her side.

“Yes, it is. But if you go to bed now, I can finish up some of my work and then tomorrow, we’ll have more time together for whatever extravagant plan you’ve concocted.”

Laura’s eyes lit up at this and she smiled slowly, sleepily, before nodding once and standing. Carmilla watched as she stretched first one side, then the other before glancing back at Carmilla, a teasing grin now shifting upon her lips.

“Well, it’s the end of a ‘date.’ Aren’t you going to walk me to my door?”

Carmilla just chuckled as she stood, feeling Laura’s warm hand envelope her own and gently squeeze as they walked out of the room.

“I didn’t realize this constituted as a date, cupcake. I mean, I didn’t even tell you how good you look tonight.”

“Oh my god, Carm, I’m in sweats and a band t-shirt, that I’m pretty sure is yours by the way.”

“Yeah, you stole it years ago after you spilled chocolate syrup all over it. But you still look cute as hell.” She watched the blush come up right on cue and smiled happily when Laura wrapped her casted hand around her bicep, pulling their bodies closer as they slowly walked down the hallway.

They stopped in front of the bedroom door, Carmilla smiling when Laura leaned even further into her, enjoying another one of those comfortable moments.

_Typical, sleepy Laura. So cuddly._

And so familiar it made her ache. But she didn’t want to push. If they were doing this, she had to wait for Laura to be ready, to set the pace.

“Get some sleep, Hollis,” she said, squeezing the hand in hers once more before forcing herself to let go and turning to walk away. She didn’t regret ditching her proofs for the last hour and a half in the slightest but she really had to get back to it if she hoped to put a decent dent in the project before she turned in for the night. After all, she really didn’t want to have to worry about doing much this weekend if she could help it.

“Hey.”

She felt Laura reach for her once again, stopping her and pulling her back in by the hem of her shirt before shifting her grip to her forearm. She looked at the smaller girl curiously, taking in her suddenly bright eyes and the way she was nervously biting her bottom lip.

“You okay?”

Laura just nodded, holding her gaze for another moment, the silence stretching on just a little before she pulled Carmilla closer, moving her hand from her forearm up to her cheek and cupping it gently.

“Thanks for tonight,” she said as she slowly leaned in, brushing her lips just at the corner of Carmilla’s and the dark-haired girl swore she used every ounce of strength she had at that moment not to turn her head just a centimeter to the right. She closed her eyes, swallowing hard, confused when Laura didn’t pull away completely. Finally opening them just a sliver, she looked into those amazing eyes, so close she could see the browns swirling together, the little flecks of green sparkling through and felt Laura’s hand leave her face, moving down to grab a fist full of her shirt once again, keeping her in place.

This was the longest they’d stood this close since before the accident and Carmilla couldn’t help the quickening of her shallow breath as the scent of Laura assaulted her senses. Her eyes moved across Laura’s face, starting with the slowly fading scar on her chin, up to those amazing pink lips, to that adorable little nose, and slowly moving back up to Laura staring back at her, eyes dancing with mirth.

“Are you really not going to kiss me right now?”

_Oh, thank god!_

Carmilla smirked, a small chuckle escaping her mouth as she leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Laura’s for a moment before pulling back just a few inches, her hands moving up to hold the smaller girls face between them, her thumbs brushing over her cheeks.

“What, do I have a bad breath?” Laura teased.

“You just ate a sleeve of Chips Ahoy, cutie, so you smell like chocolate. Probably taste like it too.”

“Did I used to be a bad kisser?”

“Cupcake, I tend to forget my name when I kiss you.”

“Hmm… lips are too chapped?”

Carmilla’s gaze flicked down to said lips and she gently ran the thumb of her right hand over the bottom one.

“No.”

“Do you just not want to kiss me?” Carmilla rolled her eyes as Laura’s teasing smile grew even wider. The tiny brunette **so** had her number.

“Here I am, trying to be patient and respectful, waiting for you to be ready, and you’re giving me shit?”

“I think I am,” Laura answered, wrapping her other hand in Carmilla’s shirt and pulling their bodies flush. “Besides, did it ever occur to you that I’ve been ready since you showed up and knocked on our door with a bouquet of lilies three days ago?”

“You know, you’re getting kind of demanding here, Hollis.”

“Yeah, well you’re being a little too ‘patient and respectful,’ Karnstein.”

Carmilla just chuckled as Laura gave her a cheeky smile. She’d missed **this**. The back and forth banter was something that she had always loved about her relationship with Laura. Half the time Laura gave back just as good as she got and the other half, the tiny brunette ended up getting flustered, turning red and usually flinging out some ridiculous comeback that made no sense when she couldn’t come up with anything else. It was adorable. And charged. And completely them.

Maybe they **could** have that again. Yes, they were light years away from where they were a month ago. But maybe if she kept exercising that patience, and Laura kept trying just as hard… maybe they really could make it.

“Hey, where’d you go just now?” Laura asked, pulling her back from her thoughts.

“Nowhere,” she said, shaking her head and smiling at the smaller girl. “Sorry.”

“Hey, look, Carm, it’s fine. I was just teasing you, I wasn’t trying to push for something. If you want to wait… I understand and it’s okay, really. I just…” Laura trailed off, suddenly looking a little embarrassed. “It’s fine. I’m sorry. Just forget… forget I said any of this.”

Carmilla smiled softly and leaned in until their lips were less than an inch apart, watching Laura’s slowly widening eyes the whole time. She paused there, letting out a small chuckle.

“You’re killing me, Hollis,” she said before gently bringing their mouths together for the first time in over a month. And holy god, was it incredible.

She felt Laura stiffen for half a second before completely melting into it, her mouth pushing back against Carmilla’s as her hands made their way around Carmilla’s back, holding her close.

Little touches were great. So was being able to hold Laura’s hand without scaring the smaller girl. Hugs were phenomenal and it felt amazing to be able to sit next to the other girl, sides pressed firmly together. But nothing, absolutely nothing, so far, could compare to this moment. Feeling Laura pressed firmly against her, lips moving in a synchronized dance that they’d mastered years ago…

_Jesus._

She felt Laura’s hands creep down to her hips, grasping firmly as their lips continued to slowly move against each other and she couldn’t help but smile, hearing Laura let go of a little giggle as she did so.

Pulling back ever so slightly, she opened her eyes, her heart literally stopping in her chest as she took in the sight of Laura smiling softly, gently biting her bottom lip, eyes still closed.

“Wow,” she said quietly as her eyes fluttered open and Carmilla couldn’t help but laugh, the scene so reminiscent of the first time she’d kissed Laura all those years ago.

“So, you’re good then?” she teased.

“We should’ve done way before now,” Laura answered, leaning in and leaving one final, slow, breathless kiss on her lips before slowly pulling away and it was Carmilla’s turn to be speechless.

“Goodnight, Carm.”

“Uh… yeah. Night.”

Laura giggled and smiled sweetly one last time, before turning and walking into the bedroom, leaving the dark-haired girl standing in the hallway, still reeling.

 _Yeah, like I’m going to be able to go back to work now,_ she thought, finally walking away with a small bashful smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some much-needed fluff. Let me know what you guys think.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	22. What Comes Is Better Than What Came Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Figuring out how this whole 'new relationship' works... 
> 
> Can Carmilla and Laura handle it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

She looked at herself once more in the guest bathroom mirror and blew out a deep, shaky breath, running a hand through her hair. She’d fallen asleep last night, floating on cloud nine, so happy she could barely stand it. She could still feel Laura’s lips softly pressed against her own as the last thoughts left her mind and she drifted off. But she’d woken up in a very different state of mind, listening to the deafening silence echoing throughout the house and terrified that it would be empty. She’d slowly gotten up and quietly padded into the kitchen, standing there and listening carefully, sighing when she picked up the sound of the shower running from the master bathroom.

_Okay, she’s here but… doesn’t mean she’ll stick around._

Unsure of what else to do, she’d grabbed her own things to get ready for the day and slipped into the other bathroom as quietly as she could. If Laura was going to run out, she couldn’t stop her and she honestly wasn’t sure she could even handle watching it happen again if that was the tiny brunette’s plan.

She leaned the weight of her body onto her palms against the back shower wall, standing under the steady stream above her, letting it cascade over her weary form. She hated that the first thing that entered her brain that morning was the possibility of Laura panicking and taking off, but she had to be realistic about the situation, and considering everything that had transpired over the last month, the idea wasn’t that far out in left field.

She sighed, remembering the night before and that kiss that had left her absolutely floating and almost giddy with hope. It had been so amazing. So incredible. And, good god, she’d missed Laura’s unbelievably perfect lips so damn much. When they’d finally said goodnight and parted ways, Laura had seemed fine with everything. Hell, she seemed downright jubilant. But, they’d been down this road before and the last time something comfortable and easy had happened between them, the next morning was a very different story. Last time, they’d simply fallen asleep next to one another and it had scared the absolute crap out of Laura. If sleeping next to one another was that bad, a kiss would likely send her through the stratosphere.

Of course, a harsher truth hung over Carmilla’s head as she slowly lathered her shampoo through her dark locks. Even though she couldn’t really stop Laura from running away if that’s what she decided to do, the smaller girl taking off would probably signal the end of them. They’d said they would try to start over but if Laura was going to disappear after a simple kiss… well, Carmilla realized that she couldn’t keep chasing after her, hoping one day that the hunt would stop.

But then what would she do? She’d never pictured a life without Laura until a few days ago when that seemed to be the only available option and, quite frankly, the mere thought left her feeling like she couldn’t breathe. Without Laura, her life would be completely different and in the worst way possible. Laura had been the sunshine in her dark existence for so long and she knew she’d never find anyone or anything else as bright and as luminous as the plucky girl. Going back into that shadowy reality was so utterly terrifying and she knew there’d be no other way to fight it without Laura at her side.

Finding her own fears starting to overwhelm her, she’d quickly finished her shower and after getting ready and giving herself another long hard look in the mirror, she stepped out of the bathroom, fully dressed and ready for whatever the day had planned for her. To her utter surprise, she could clearly hear the sounds of cupboards opening and closing and silverware clinking against ceramic. Laura was in the kitchen and definitely not trying to keep quiet. She slowly made her way towards the end of the hallway, peaking around once she reached it, and caught sight of Laura, quietly humming to herself as she poured a cup of coffee into her well-loved Tardis mug, spooning a criminal amount of sugar into the dark liquid once the mug was filled.

_Okay, if she is about to run off, at least she’s caffeinating first, so maybe I have a few minutes._

She cautiously stepped into the room, hands nervously shoved into her back pockets, unsure of what to say or do when Laura looked up at her and immediately smiled brightly.

“Hey! Morning!”

“Hi.” She couldn’t help but grin herself at the smile overtaking Laura’s beautiful face. _Okay, so far so good._

“How’d you sleep?” Laura asked as she rounded the island corner and stepped close enough that Carmilla could smell her soft perfume.

“Um... fine.” Honestly, it was probably the best night’s sleep she’d had since she’d banished herself to the couch but in the grand scheme of things, how important was that at this moment? She leaned a hip against the counter, smiling her thanks as Laura handed her a mug of coffee she hadn’t even noticed the brunette pouring and took a steadying breath.

“You ready for today?”

“Well, I have no idea what today entails, so… I guess I’m as ready as I can be.” She looked down into her mug, noticing the liquid sloshing around just a little and realized her hands were trembling. She swallowed and attempted to steady them as she looked up into Laura’s sweet eyes and felt the smaller girl place a comforting hand on her forearm.

“Relax, Carm. I’m not going to bolt,” she said, her voice carrying a surety that was not to be argued with. She set her own mug down and reached out, placing another sturdy hand on Carmilla’s and smiled softly at her. “I know I messed up before-”

“Laura, you didn’t mess-”

“I did,” she said, gently squeezing at Carmilla’s wrist. “I got scared and I didn’t know what to do. But I promise you, as scary as this might get, I’m not going to do that again. I’m not going to run away from you. And… and I really hope you aren’t going to run from me either.”

Carmilla felt the tension deep within her chest slowly float away and she sagged a little further against the counter, unable to fight against the feeling of her lips twitching up into a small smile. Laura was right, they had a marathon in front of them and at some point, they were bound to hit something that left one or both of them terrified of the situation and what was to come. But if they faced it head on, together, maybe they could get through it. Maybe they’d be alright. She held Laura’s gaze for a long minute, finally nodding when the tiny brunette let out a little giggle.

“I’m not going anywhere, cupcake.”

She watched Laura’s smile grow once again as she slowly leaned forward, carefully avoiding the mug of hot coffee between them, lightly pressing her lips against Carmilla’s for a few languid seconds.

 _Oh fuck, I’ve missed that,_ she thought, relishing in the warmth and comfort that were Laura’s lips.

She swallowed hard as Laura pulled away, the tiny brunette’s eyes still shining brightly as she picked her coffee back up and hopped onto one of the nearby kitchen stools, clearly waiting for Carmilla to do the same. Carmilla waited until she was sure her legs weren’t going to give out before she stepped forward and sat next to her, sighing in relief when she didn’t trip.

“So, we’re okay, right?”

“Yeah, sorry I just…” She trailed off for a moment, looking down at her lap as she momentarily collected herself before meeting Laura’s patient gaze once again. “I just had a little second of panic.”

“I get those too, you know?” Laura said, bashfully and Carmilla only nodded. “But, even though it may be about you or about us, you being here for me helps. A lot. I’d like… I’d like to do the same for you if you’d let me.”

“Cupcake, I appreciate that I really do. I just…” _Dammit, how the hell do I say this without hurting her feelings?_ “Sometimes it’s just hard, to let myself rely on you. I want to, it’s just… it just doesn’t seem right to ask that of you.”

“You did before the accident,” Laura pointed out.

 _I did. I could. You wouldn’t let me fall then._ But she couldn’t say that and the guilt she felt in that moment forced her to look away from Laura’s kind eyes. It simply wasn’t fair of her to expect that from Laura at this point in their relationship. The smaller girl didn’t need that kind of pressure. She hardly knew Carmilla. How could the dark-haired girl expect her to just pick right up where they left off when everything else had changed?

“I know it’s different, that the circumstances are different, but… Carm, I’m still me.”

Carmilla looked up into Laura’s desperate gaze and felt her heart ache at that thought. Laura was right. She was still her. Right? This wasn’t a new Laura, was it?

_Fuck._

She sighed, looking away again, wishing her brain would just shut up and stop trying to see the things that she wasn’t even sure were really there or missing.

“Please, just… just talk to me, okay? I’m not going to push, but… I’m here, Carm. And I want to be here. I want to be here for you.”

Carmilla felt Laura reach for her hand, holding gently as she captured it and squeezed once when Carmilla finally looked back up. As much as she was going to struggle with all of this, she knew Laura was right about one thing. She couldn’t expect the tiny brunette to stick around and rely on her if she wasn’t willing to do the same. She had to try, no matter how hard it might be. No matter how risky it was to put her heart out there because not trying would be so much worse.

“Okay,” she said, simply nodding and brushing her thumb over Laura’s knuckles twice before letting go. She took a quick sip of her coffee, suddenly uncomfortable with pursuing this conversation any further and hoping she could distract Laura with something else. “So, what **is** on the agenda today?”

“It’s a surprise but… about today, I do have a small favor to ask…” Laura trailed off, still smiling even though she was clearly nervous about something.

“What’s up?”

“Well, I have this ‘harebrained scheme’ as you’ve so kindly labeled it and we can totally take a cab or something if you’re uncomfortable with this but… I’d actually like for us to drive. The problem is… I still don’t have a car.”

 _Dammit, I knew I was forgetting something,_ she thought as the email confirmation that the vehicle had been paid off sitting in her inbox flashed through her mind.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Laura. Everything’s been taken care of with the insurance, I just totally forgot to-”

“No, Carm, it’s fine.” Laura reached out, taking Carmilla’s hand in her own again and lacing their fingers together with a reassuring smile. “Really. I mean, I’m honestly not even sure if I should get another one. I don’t really need it but… well, I was wondering if we could take your jeep today?”

“Sure. Just point me in the right direction,” she said, taking another sip of her coffee and smiling over the rim of the mug.

“Well… I was kind of hoping… I could drive?” And with that question, the entire mood in the room shifted once again.

 _Oh._ Feeling a look of dread take over her relaxed expression, Carmilla watched Laura’s hopeful smile immediately fall and instantly felt horrible about her hesitation and reaction. _Goddamnit._

“Never mind, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked. I mean it’s **your** car. I just-”

“No, cupcake, it’s not a possessiveness thing. It’s not just **my** car. What’s mine is yours and… I just…”

She sighed deeply, looking away and staring down, visually tracing the patterns in the countertop below her. She felt Laura gently squeeze her hand, hoping to get her attention and finally looking up, she saw the understanding in Laura’s beautiful honey brown eyes, but somehow, it only made her feel worse.

“It’s because of the accident, isn’t it?”

 _I can’t fucking lose you again,_ Carmilla thought but instead of voicing anything, she simply nodded.

“Carm, I know you’re worried about it, about me, but I can’t just stop living, you know?”

“I know,” she mumbled quietly. “I… I don’t want you to stop living, Laura.” And that was true. Carmilla didn’t want Laura to stop having a life, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to be hard or that she wasn’t going to worry.

 _I guess we have to start somewhere._ That’s what they’d been doing so far. Starting over, together. At least if Laura drove today, they’d be together and maybe she wouldn’t worry as much as she would’ve if Laura had gone by herself.

“Okay,” she finally said, slowly nodding. “You can drive us.”

“Really?” The smile that brightened her features sped up Carmilla’s pulse and she couldn’t help but chuckle and nod again. “Yay! Okay, let’s finish our coffee and then head out. We have lots to do today.”

“Lots? Like what?”

“Nope, I told you, it’s a surprise,” Laura said, still beaming and now twitching around atop her stool.

“Killing me, Hollis.”

Despite Laura’s enthusiasm over driving again, Carmilla couldn’t help but notice the nervousness flowing off of her small frame in waves as they drove through their neighborhood half an hour later. And apparently keeping quiet in the passenger seat while she had her own mini panic attack only seemed to make it worse.

Laura had been fine when they’d climbed into the jeep and she’d started the engine, adjusting her mirrors and fastening her seatbelt. But as soon as she’d shifted it into drive, Carmilla watched the smile fall from her face and her eyes widen ever so slightly. She wasn’t sure if Laura was actually nervous or if she just wanted to try and focus so Carmilla had kept quiet in her own seat and watched out of the corner of her eye. No sense in making Laura more self-conscious with her own fears.

Ten minutes into the drive, she looked over and noticed Laura’s breathing had sped up, eyes even wider, her hands gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles had paled. And for her, that was more than enough. Attempting to distract Laura, even if only a little, she began fiddling with the radio, quickly finding one of Laura’s favorite stations and singing along to the song that was already halfway through. Keeping her gaze forward, but watching out of the corner of her eye, she reached over as they pulled up to a stoplight and took Laura’s hand in her own, running her thumb across those pallid knuckles. She watched as Laura sank further into her seat, relaxing just the tiniest bit from the comforting gesture, and knew she was on the right track. Feeling the tension slightly ebb from the tiny brunette’s form, she let go as the light turned green, noticing that while Laura was still ridged, she had started to sing along to the radio as well, slightly bobbing her head up and down as she did.

Carmilla continued to furtively focus on her as they drove through downtown, her attention so completely captivated by Laura that she didn’t even really notice where they were until Laura made a quick right and pulled the car into a familiar parking lot. Looking up as they slowed down, she felt herself grin at the thoughtfulness of the other girl.

“The art museum? You’re taking me on a date to the art museum?”

Laura just shrugged, smiling as she found a parking spot and killed the engine. Carmilla watched as the tiny brunette looked over at her expectantly and couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I thought we could spend some time here and then I have somewhere else I’d like to take you. Nothing big or fancy but someplace I’d like us to try.”

“You just have the whole day planned don’t you, cutie?”

“I do, and we need to get moving if we’re going to get through it all,” she answered as she quickly climbed out of the car and began excitedly walking towards the building. Carmilla only chuckled and climbed out of the car after her, jogging to catch up.

* * *

She stared up at the painting in front of her, turning her head from side to side as though it might help her understand just what in the hell she was looking at, but it was no use.

She thought back to that awful Vordenberg class all those years ago but that wasn’t going to help her here for a number of reasons. One, they never really covered modern art, which was apparently what the piece in front of her was classified as. Two, she’d really learned nothing from the class that she remembered because… well, Carmilla was really the only reason she’d learned anything, or so she’d been told. And three… she turned and looked to her right, seeing Carmilla standing just a few pieces away, utterly enraptured by what she was looking at.

 _Well, who the hell could remember anything about a class you took if the girl you sat next to was her?_ she thought with a small smile, slowly walking towards the dark-haired girl.

They’d been at the museum for a little over an hour by that point, spending most of it in silence, which she was actually okay with. She didn’t know what the hell constituted good art vs. bad art, but watching Carmilla carefully take in each piece was easily the most beautiful sight in the building. Her dark eyes would widen just so, biting her bottom lip in contemplation, not a hint of arrogance or teasing anywhere on her expression. Just a girl, standing in wonder amongst beautiful pieces of art that spoke to her.

“I have to be honest,” she whispered as she sidled up next to the other girl, interlacing their fingers as she did.

“About what, creampuff?” Carmilla asked, not even glancing away from the canvas in front of her.

“I have no idea what the hell I’m looking at.” Carmilla chuckled, finally looking over and the smile she shot Laura made her pulse race to dangerous levels. She smiled and, unable to help herself, leaned in, placing a kiss at the corner of Carmilla’s smiling mouth, loving that it was alright to do that now and wondering why she hadn’t just been brave and kissed Carmilla before.

Then again, maybe it was better that they’d waited and let it simmer for an extra couple of days. She’d laid in bed the night before, reliving the moment Carmilla’s lips had met hers over and over as she’d drifted off to sleep, a smile etched upon her face. Carmilla’s lips had felt even better than they’d looked and the fact that it hadn’t been a big, over the top moment that they’d found themselves in, somehow made it that much more perfect. It made it feel more natural. Like they’d done it a million times before. Of course, logically, she knew that they had, but since she couldn’t exactly remember those millions of times before, she focused on just how perfectly they seemed to fit together during those few moments, standing in the hallway, holding onto one another, Carmilla smiling into the kiss and making her giggle. It was just so… _perfect._

“So you’re saying you’re not enjoying yourself?” Carmilla teased, catching her attention.

“I didn’t say that,” she said with a smile. “There are… plenty of beautiful things to look at.” She paused, taking in Carmilla’s gorgeous profile and stepped a little closer to the dark-haired girl. “Are you having a good time?”

“I am, cupcake. This was a great idea. But… I know you’re starting to get bored.”

“No, not at all,” she fibbed. She watched as Carmilla finally turned to her, smirking as she did and rolled her eyes at her obviousness. “Well, I wouldn’t say bored. I just… like I said, I just don’t get it. I’ve never been really great at understanding or appreciating the abstract, you know? I mean, I’m a journalist. I like facts. I like things in concrete, black and white, you know?”

“I get it, cutie. Come on,” Carmilla laughed as she pulled Laura away and towards the stairs. “I think you’ll like what’s upstairs more.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Just a hunch.” She followed Carmilla, keeping their hands locked as they slowly ascending the marble staircase in front of them and took a right at the top, moving a little further through the galleries before coming to a stop towards the back corner of the space.

“Oh wow!” Her eyes tried to take it all in at once but it was too much. Collages of newspapers along the walls forming words and images. Paintings and pictures of newsrooms. Recreations of famous events photographed decades and decades earlier. It was like the museum had purposely mixed her and Carmilla’s medias together for the sole purpose of this date.

She looked over at Carmilla who was currently smirking at her and suddenly was hit with that odd familiarity that had popped up a few times before. Had Carmilla brought her here already? Had they previously done a date here once? She wasn’t sure, but standing in this room now with Carmilla, watching the dark-haired girl smile excitedly as she looked around, it wasn’t important. It was incredible and perfect and that was all that mattered.

* * *

She sank further back into the corner couch, tired and thankful that the small cafe was virtually deserted. It was a little out of the way but she had wanted to try something new for them, or at least new to her, she hoped. She thought about how nice it was to hear about the things they used to do together and the places they used to go, but she also wanted to try and start creating some new memories. Ones where she wasn’t left in the dark. When they’d pulled up along the curb ten minutes earlier, Carmilla had seemed just as curious about the place as she was so she took that as a good sign.

She looked up and watched Carmilla walking towards her, carefully balancing two mugs of hot coffee and the two giant chocolate swirl cookies she’d ordered and smiled. The dark-haired girl had insisted she’d carry everything out once it was ready after they’d ordered and sent Laura off to claim the beige corner sofa that was the furthest away from the few patrons sitting near the front.

“Here you go, cutie,” she said as she handed Laura her cookies and sat the coffees on the low table in front of her. She moved around it and sat down, keeping a few inches between them as she did and making Laura roll her eyes and let out a soft giggle. She was starting to think Carmilla was just as stubborn as she was, but that didn’t mean she was going to give up.

“So, did you have a good time today?”

“I had an amazing time today,” Carmilla said, smiling softly at her. “Thanks for… planning all of this.”

“Were we not big planners for dates?” she asked, taking a bite out of the cookie currently in hand and moaning in delight before continuing. “Because I find that a little hard to believe.”

“No,” she chuckled. “There’s usually a plan. Yours tend to be very structured, but always amazing. Mine are a little more fly by the seat of our pants and always totally awesome.”

“That actually sounds about right.” She leaned in, letting their shoulders brush as she did and feeling Carmilla sag a little into her. “Well, this was actually all that I had planned for today. I figured we’d be at the museum for a while so I didn’t want to rush. But we can grab dinner or something if you want. Maybe a movie? Whatever you’d like.”

 _Okay, chill out. You don’t have to try and sell every little thing,_ she thought, cringing at how desperate her voice had sounded in her own ears.

“This is just fine, cupcake. We can just… sit right here and talk or… whatever.”

“Did Mattie and Will get back to New York okay?” She broke off a piece of the soft and gooey cookie, holding it up to Carmilla as she did and handing it over when the dark-haired girl smiled.

“Yeah, I got a text from Willy boy late last night. Oh, these are so good. We’re totally coming back here again.”

_Yes, new place!_

“So what was more awkward, me meeting them this time or me meeting them the first time?” she teased.

“Oh god,” Carmilla chuckled. “Can it be a tie?”

“I don’t know, what happened the first time?”

“Oh, now you want **that** story?”

“Well, you told me about you meeting my dad. It’s only fair that I get to hear about meeting your family.”

“I suppose, though compared to my family, I think I got off easy with Sherman.”

* * *

**_Six Years and Three Months Earlier_ **

Carmilla nervously fidgeted in her seat, tapping at the armrests, and Laura was finding herself both worried and completely fascinated by this new, strange behavior. She’d never seen Carmilla this nervous before, even when she’d first met Sherman and she honestly wasn’t sure what to do.

“Carm, are you okay? I mean, are you going to be sick? Do you get airsick?”

“No, I’m fine, I just… I’m fine.” She watched the older girl continue to fidget in her seat, her eyes locked on the seat in front of her, clearly the definition of not fine.

The bumpy flight to Chicago hadn’t exactly come as a surprise. Will had asked Carmilla a little over a month ago if she could find any way to make the trip home for a quick visit. He’d just finished up his undergraduate degree that May and after taking the summer off was getting ready to take on the next chapter towards his coveted law degree at the illustrious Harvard University, much to Lilita Morgan’s utter pride and pleasure.

Carmilla had tried to hold off on committing to the trip home for the stuffy party Lilita was throwing him but after constant pestering by both Will and then Mattie, she’d finally agreed when she’d found a cheap enough flight. Laura knew that even though Will had chosen the easy path, Carmilla was still proud of her big brother and that she really did want to see and spend some time not just with him, but with Mattie as well.

What had come as a surprise was when Carmilla had asked Laura if she’d like to come with her. It was only a long weekend trip so she wouldn’t really be missing much in the way of classes and she had more than enough money stashed away to cover the ticket there and back. But the fact that Carmilla wanted her to now meet **her** family had been shocking.

Sure Carmilla’s relationship with Mattie and Will was great but inevitably at some point over the weekend they’d have to deal with her mother, and Laura really didn’t think Carmilla had any interest whatsoever in introducing her to Laura. After all, as far as Laura knew, it had been well over two years since the two had even spoken, let alone seen each other.

“Are you sure, Carm? I mean, of course, I’ll go if you want. I just… please don’t think you have to invite me for this just because you met my dad.” They were sitting at one of the local Silas coffee shops, enjoying their second cup when Carmilla had broached the subject.

“No, this isn’t a tit for tat thing, Laura. I mean, I do want you to meet Mattie and Will but it’s not like I’ll really be spending much time with them if I know my mother and the party she’s undoubtedly planned.”

“What about your mom though? I mean, from what you’ve said, I doubt she cares about meeting me.”

“Look, cupcake, my mother is not going to be pleasant to deal with and if you come with me and she so much as even acknowledges you exist, I’ll be completely shocked.”

“That’s… really?” Laura couldn’t hide the surprise in her voice. “Like, saying hello is just too much for her?”

“You definitely won’t be getting a ‘hello’.” Carmilla let out a humorless chuckle as she looked away for a moment, eyes lost only to turn back a moment later, her dark orbs now holding a sadness that absolutely broke Laura’s heart. “But, please don’t take it personally. It’s not you and it has nothing to do with you. It’s me, okay. She just… she just doesn’t like me.”

“Well, that’s insane!”

“I’m not saying she’s right, Laura, I’m just telling you that if you come, that’s what you should expect. Look, I get it if you don’t want to go. I’m not exactly selling it here. But…” Laura watched Carmilla lean forward, reaching for her fingers and wrapping them together. “I just… I’d kind of like you to be there. Just, for me, I guess.”

“Well, okay then, I’ll go,” she answered immediately. She tried not to but she couldn’t help but laugh at the look of surprise that instantly took over Carmilla’s face.

“Really? Just like that?”

“Yeah, I mean, I doubt we’ll get to do much sightseeing, but I’ve never been to Chicago and… well, I’m happy to keep you company for a few days,” Laura said with a shrug and a smile. She didn’t have to say anything more. Carmilla understood exactly what she was implying and smiled softly at her, bringing Laura’s hand up to her lips and leaving a sweet kiss on her knuckles.

“Thanks, cupcake.”

Laura had bought her ticket that afternoon and they’d found an inexpensive hotel nearby that Carmilla had insisted on covering. All in all, the logistics had been fairly simple but Laura couldn’t help but notice that Carmilla had been extra quiet ever since.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, we’ll be landing in about fifteen minutes so just sit tight and welcome to Chicago.”

Laura watched as Carmilla gripped both armrests tightly, blinking rapidly as she stared down at her lap.

“Seriously, Carm, should I call someone? I thought you said you didn’t have a problem with flying.” She reached for one of Carmilla’s clammy hands, carefully sandwiching it between hers and holding tight, and for that moment, it seemed to give the older girl something to focus on.

“I don’t, I just… sorry, I’m fine.”

“Should I not have come? I mean, you asked me so I thought-”

“No, Laura, I **want** you here. I want you to meet Mattie and Will. I just… you know I haven’t been home in a long time. Just a little anxious, that’s all.”

Laura just nodded, accepting the explanation for now, but keeping Carmilla’s hand wrapped in her own, only letting go after they’d safely landed and had taxied to their gate. They made their way off the plane, bags in hand and Laura let Carmilla quickly and silently pull her through the unfamiliar airport and outside to a row of waiting taxis faster than she could blink. She’d honestly never seen Carmilla move so swiftly and it only served to heighten her worry.

“We’re going straight there?” Laura asked when Carmilla gave their cab driver an address that was definitely not for the hotel they’d booked and looking down at her plain t-shirt and faded jeans.

_Ugh, I look like crap._

“I promised Mattie I’d try to get there around the same time she did. Safety in numbers and all,” Carmilla said as she stared out the window, clearly not sharing in Laura’s fashion crisis.

She wanted to ask more questions but Carmilla was already on the verge of shutting down completely. Even though the dark-haired girl had gotten a million times better at talking to her and letting her peek inside over the last few months, there were still times when it just got to be too much. And Laura had learned, pushing never got her anywhere. But if she waited and just stood there by Carmilla’s side, the older girl always eventually came around.

Laura slid over into the middle seat of the cab, reaching for one of Carmilla’s hands and pulling it into her lap. She watched as Carmilla kept her eyes focused out the window but felt the other girl slowly melting into her side as she ran her fingertips along the back of the soft skin, occasionally even moving them up to brush inside Carmilla’s wrist. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough. It was a comfort they both needed and craved at that moment. They could talk later, but for now, Laura just wanted Carmilla to know that she was there and that she loved her.

The drive from the airport took about thirty minutes but she was so hyper-focused on Carmilla, she didn’t even really notice. Nor did she notice the neighborhoods getting nicer, the grass getting greener, the houses getting bigger. Finally looking out her window as they slowed down, Laura felt her jaw literally drop as the cab pulled up the long, winding gravel drive towards a mansion hidden far off the road behind an imposing wrought iron gate.

“Holy crap, Carm! This is your house?!”

“It’s my mother's house,” she answered, her voice already heavy and tired.

“It’s the biggest I’ve ever seen!”

That was actually an understatement if there ever was one. The place was enormous and probably could’ve easily fit everyone in her old neighborhood, with room to spare. The cab stopped and Laura took a moment longer to admire the beauty of the stone structure, only getting out after the cab driver sent a loud, purposeful cough her way. She looked out, seeing Carmilla already standing a few feet away, giving her a questioning look and quickly clambered out of the backseat. Hoisting her bag over her shoulder, she looked up again, taking in any detail she could from the numerous, large white paned windows, spaced evenly apart along the front of the mansion to the vast slate roof, pristine as it was and looking like it had never seen a day of adverse weather.

“You coming?”

She quickly closed her mouth with an audible snap and jogged forward to catch up,  following along as Carmilla led them up a massive cobblestone path towards the stairway that led to the enormous front door. As they stopped in front of it, Laura found her eyes roaming back over the structure, unable to stop the total and utter awe that had overtaken her mind.

“Thanks for coming, Laura.” She turned from trying to take in every detail of the elaborately designed mansion, catching the small, grateful smile on Carmilla’s lips and immediately nodded, her brow furrowing when Carmilla actually rang the doorbell instead of just letting herself in.

 _My dad would have an absolute fit if I did that. ‘This will always be your home, pumpkin, never forget that.’_ She looked up half a second later at the sound of heavy locks being turned and swallowed hard. _Okay, meeting Carm’s family. You can do this._

“Ah, Ms. Karnstein.” A tall, graying man in a finely pressed suit stood on the other side of the open door and gestured for them to enter with a small smile and a nod.

“Hey, Peter.” Carmilla actually cracked the first genuine smile Laura had seen all day, the effect immediately giving Laura some reprieve from her worry. “Still on door detail huh?”

“Yes, miss. However, I’m afraid you’ve caught me a bit unprepared.” Laura frowned in confusion as this was clearly the most put together man she’d ever seen. “We weren’t expecting you.”

_Oh, that._

“Yeah, um… probably shouldn’t admit to letting me in then. She might dock your pay,” Carmilla joked.

“Very well then, Ms. Karnstein.” He nodded, still smiling before turning to Laura, nodding politely at her as well and closing the door behind them. “You’ll find Ms. Belmond and Mr. Luce out on the back veranda. Please let me know if there’s anything else.” And with that, he turned and walked away.

Now that they were alone, Laura felt her mouth fall open once again, taking in everything from the gorgeous marble floors, stone walls and pillars, all the way up to the high ceilings where extravagant chandeliers hung. Everything fell into white or a whiter shade of white color spectrum and so bright it was practically blinding. Even the beautiful art that hung strategically on the walls was subdued and quiet.

_Oh god, do not touch anything, Hollis. Pretty sure they have a ‘you break it, you buy it’ policy here and you’re clumsy as hell when you’re nervous._

She felt Carmilla pull at the hem of her shirt to get her attention and she followed the dark-haired girl through the magnificently massive first floor, taking note that each room they passed was just as beautiful but also fairly sparse on the contents, only the bare minimum of furnishings taking up space here and there.

_Guess they aren’t much for comforts around here._

Beyond the minimum contents of the house, Laura noticed the quiet hanging in the air, despite the number of other people milling about, all clearly there solely to take care of the house.

_Holy crap, they have servants?!? Like actual, real servants? I thought those only existed in movies!_

Some glared at them as they passed but most offered polite nods or smiles without saying anything as they went about their business.

Despite the lack of comfortable possessions occupying each room, they somehow each seemed to grow more extravagant as the two passed through the house. Perhaps it was the size, as each one seemed larger than the last and she began to wonder if, even in all its beauty, Carmilla ever had ever gotten lonely inside the cold stone walls of the mansion.

They eventually made it to a gorgeous set of french doors, exiting out and onto the back patio, which in stark contrast, was surrounded by lush plants and flowers, finally adding some color to the extreme sterility of the house and bringing in some warmth that it was sorely lacking. Laura followed close behind as they climbed down another intricate cobblestone staircase and around the vast balcony towards a lone table off to the side where a young man and woman were sitting, carefree and laughing under the beautiful sunny day. Laura took in their flawless appearance as they approached and immediately knew they were Carmilla’s siblings. She looked down at her own simple clothes once again and immediately cringed. She should’ve worn something a little more fashion forward.

_Except you don’t own anything like that._

“Well, well, well, what do we have here? She actually decided to grace us with her presence.” Laura watched the gorgeous dark-skinned woman make eye contact with them and stand, smiling as Carmilla moved forward, the two laughing and embracing for a long moment.

“Well after the two of you kept blowing up my phone, what choice did I have. Besides, I had to see it with my own eyes.” Carmilla turned to the boyishly handsome man and hugged him just as hard, laughing when he lifted her a few inches off the ground, squeezing her tight. “Congrats, Willy boy.”

“Thanks, little sis. Never thought the day would come,” he said with a smile as he put her down and let go.

“So how much did you have to pay for them to actually let you graduate?” Carmilla teased.

“I may have just hacked into their server and changed my grades,” he smirked back and the three siblings all chuckled fondly at one another and Laura realized, in that small moment, just how important they all were to each other. Even though they hadn’t seen each other in ages, they seemed to pick up right where it was that they’d left off. She smiled fondly, feeling her heart lighten up as Carmilla smiled brightly while the three did their initial catch up, ribbing one another at lightning fast speed.

“And… who do we have here?” Laura’s smile disappeared and she swallowed hard as three sets of incredibly intense eyes turned to her, raking over her form as they sized her up. She suddenly wished she’d planned for this a little more since even though Carmilla had waved off her anxiety with a ‘don’t worry, they’ll love you,’ meeting her siblings was still a very big deal and she desperately wanted to make a good first impression.

Carmilla smiled softly at her, stepping back towards her with a wink, before turning back to her siblings.

“Laura, this is Mattie and Will. Guys… this is Laura, my girlfriend.”

She watched the two of them look at each other in faux shock, Mattie placing and hand over her heart and Will putting his over his open mouth before they turned back with wide eyes to Carmilla.

“Oh really, kitty cat?”

“Girlfriend, why I never…”

“Don’t fucking start. I’m not putting up with your shit in addition to mothers so just knock it off and stop trying to make me look bad. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Yes, this is her. You knew all of this and you knew she was coming, deal with it.”

“Calm down, Carm, we’re only teasing,” Mattie said, slipping back into her relaxed stance with a smile and an eye roll. “There’ll be plenty of time to panic and be frazzled later. Now, you…” Mattie turned to Laura, smiling mischievously.

_Oh no._

“My my my… after all the little strumpets Carmilla’s paraded around in secret, you are not at all what I expected.”

“Mattie, don’t,” Carmilla warned, taking hold of Laura’s hand and pulling her close.

“What, I didn’t say anything bad,” she said with a chuckle.

“Yet,” Will added.

“Seriously you guys, be nice. I know it’s not in your DNA but just try. For me. Just this once.”

“You’re no fun, kitty,” Will said before turning to Laura and letting the playful smile slip from his face. “Pleasure to meet you, Laura.” And just like the proper boy he was raised to be, he reached over and shook her hand with a little bow.

“Miss Manners would be so proud,” Mattie said, rolling her eyes again. “Now, Gidget, we want to know all about you and how you managed to seduce our little dark monster.”

“Oh, uh, well…”

“Mattie, normally you say hello before you start an inquisition,” Carmilla cut in, wrapping a protective arm around Laura’s waist and pulling her close.

“I wasn’t planning on an inquisition but if you insist…” Mattie trailed off with a smile and Laura watched Will chuckle lightly at her while Carmilla merely shook her head, attempting to hide her smirk.

“William? Are you out here darling?”

Laura immediately felt Carmilla tense up beside her and then pull Laura behind her, letting go of her hands once she was moved. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Mattie and Will also step forward, almost as if they were shielding her from whatever was coming, all three siblings now wearing the same dark, defiant expression.

She looked up, watching as a beautiful middle-aged woman rounded the corner from the stairway and came into view, a condescending and superior air coming off of her in waves. Her gray eyes narrowed as she approached the group, stopping just a few feet away and towering over the foursome as she finally reached them.

“Ah, Matska. Carmilla. I wasn’t aware that either of you were planning to attend the celebration this weekend. And I’ll have to speak with Peter about what sort of riff-raff he lets into my home.”

“I let them in, mother. And I invited them,” Will spoke up and Laura noticed, despite his outward appearance, the confidence from just a few minutes earlier had left his voice. “It’s my party and I wanted them here to celebrate.”

 _Holy crap of all craps._ She hadn’t even sent a glance in Laura’s direction and already, the tiny brunette was absolutely terrified of this woman. _How did Carm deal with this for years?_

“Hmm, well then. I suppose they may attend the festivities tomorrow if it’s that important to you, dear.” She stared hard at both Carmilla and Mattie for a long moment, her face awash with obvious displeasure before speaking again. “I expect you’re both staying at one of the local motels because quite frankly, we just don’t room for you here.”

_There’s like a billion rooms in this house! What the hell?_

“Don’t worry, I don’t think either of us thought you were going to roll out the welcome mat mother.” Where Will cowered, Mattie seemed to grow even more defiant.

“Ah, well you’ve always been somewhat bright, Matska.” The two stared at each other, eyes challenging before Mattie finally looked away, nodding at Will.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, little brother.” And with that she turned and walked away, heading around the perimeter of the house, her heels clicking on the stone walkway that followed it.

Laura turned back, noticing Lilita’s hard, unflinching stare had made its way to her, and despite the warm August sun, she felt a chill run down her spine.

“William, I came looking for you because there’s a small matter in the kitchen that requires your attention. Please go see to it.” Her tone left no room for arguments and Will quickly nodded before sending Laura and Carmilla a quick smile and running off to the house.

“Who is this?” she asked, her voice harsh, eyeing Laura like she was something she’d just scraped off her Manolo Blahnik’s.

Laura felt Carmilla reach behind her back, searching for her hand, which Laura quickly offered. She squeezed once, she seemed to stand a little taller, her chin brazenly jutting out just the slightest bit.

“Laura, this is my mother, Lilita Morgan. Mother… this is Laura Hollis…” Carmilla paused for a moment, swallowing hard and squeezing Laura’s hand behind her back once more. “My girlfriend.”

The moment of silence that followed was louder than anything Laura had ever heard and she waited, terrified for whatever was to come next.

“Ah, yes,” Lilita said, her face remaining hard. “Of course.”

And then the silence again. What should she do? Should she say something? Attempt some of that awesome Hollis charm and hope for the best?

“It’s um… it’s lovely to meet you, Ms. Morgan,” she finally squeaked before clearing her throat. “Your house is incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite like it. It’s… it’s really beautiful.”

_Good, that’s good. You didn’t stumble. You were polite. She can’t fault you for that._

She held Lilita’s hard stare for all of five seconds before she looked away, staring down at her feet, her toes nervously dancing within her worn out tennis shoes.

“Carmilla, the next time you come home, I expect you to follow the rules,” she said, her unforgiving gaze now on the dark-haired girl in front of her and completely ignoring Laura in the process. “And not to come unless you are explicitly invited… by me.”

She glared at Carmilla for another long moment before turning and walking away without another word. Laura felt Carmilla’s hand go limp in her own as the other girl sagged and looked away.

_Wait, no. What…?_

“Carm, I… I’m sorry, what just happened?”

“Pretty much what I expected,” Carmilla mumbled, her voice defeated.

“Did I mess this up? I didn’t mean to.”

“No, cutie, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Carmilla turned back to her, frowning and frustrated. “I just… I shouldn’t have come.”

“But you came for Will.” Carmilla just shrugged, looking down at her feet, like that lost little girl that she kept hidden inside. “Carm… would it have been better if I hadn’t come?”

“It wouldn’t have mattered, Laura. Whether you’re here or not… I’m still gay and she still hates me because of it,” she answered with a shrug as she looked off into the backyard. Shaking her head, she turned and walked in the direction Mattie had gone, clearly not intending to go back into the house. “Come on. We can head to the hotel and come back tomorrow for the party.”

* * *

**_Present_ **

“Wait. So she cut you out of her life because you’re gay?!”

“Well, among other things. I mean, it was never the only reason I was a huge disappointment, but it was the final, big nail in the proverbial coffin.” Carmilla shrugged like it was no big deal, but Laura couldn’t imagine that that was true. She could never picture doing anything that would make Sherman stop loving her. That would make him push her away from him and out of his life. Out of her childhood home.

“Carm, that is so completely and utterly insane. I mean, what difference does it make who you’re attracted to?”

“It made a big difference to her,” Carmilla answered as she took the final sip from her mug and placed it on the table in front of them. “It’s messed up but… I never understood why until…” She sighed, looking down at Laura’s hand, held captive in her lap and again, Laura waited silently until the other girl was ready to continue. “She apparently fell for her best friend when she was younger and when the girl’s parents found out and threatened to cut her off, the girl chose the money over my mother.”

_Oh wow._

“And when Lilita’s parents found out, they didn’t give her a choice. They just sent her packing. She had no one. She had nothing. She had to rebuild everything on her own to survive. And she did but… it really messed her up.”

Laura was dying to say more but waited as patiently as she could for Carmilla to continue. Patience, she was learning, usually meant a bigger payoff as far as the dark-haired girl was concerned.

“I know that’s not an excuse for what she did to me. And I know I shouldn’t feel anything good towards her. I mean, there were so many things about me, that she made it abundantly clear were not acceptable. But at the same time, she gave me things that I never thought I could ever have, that I never even knew existed. She gave me a roof over my head and food in my stomach. She gave me a really good education before I went to college. She gave me books that took me away from the real world and tossed me into lands of fantasy. She gave me my first set of charcoals and paints and I figured out that I could actually do something with my love of art. She… she gave me Mattie and Will. She gave me something almost normal, almost ordinary. She gave me hope long ago that I… that I was normal and ordinary. She chose me out of all those other kids for a reason. And even though, in the end, she took all that away, I still have the memories. And I know that probably doesn’t make much sense but… for the longest time, that was all I had.”

“I get it, memories are important, Carm.”

Carmilla quickly turned to her, eyes wide and cringed.

“Oh, shit, Laura, I didn’t mean-”

“No, Carm, I wasn’t looking for a pity vote with that! I get it. You have some good memories of her and those **are** important. And you should hold onto them. Just because you don’t have her in your life anymore, that doesn’t mean that those things didn’t matter before.” She watched Carmilla slowly nod and reached out, placing her casted hand on Carmilla’s knee. “What… what happened?”

“She was already pissed that I chose Silas. She refused to pay for it and… well, I was okay with that because I never wanted her money. But halfway through my first semester, she came to visit. I didn’t know she was coming but, apparently, she was hoping that I would be so miserable there that she could change my mind and send me to Columbia like she’d planned. She showed up outside my dorm and… I just happened to be bringing someone else home.” Carmilla paused and looked up, gauging her reaction. It wasn’t pleasant to think about the fact that Carmilla had a very colorful past before she’d come along, but that wasn’t the point of the story. She squeezed Carmilla’s hand and simply nodded, waiting for her to continue. “She saw us and I didn’t notice her until it was too late. She never said anything, just turned around and walked away. About a week later, I got a couple of boxes in the mail with the rest of my stuff from the house and a letter from her attorney saying that I would no longer be receiving my trust fund when I turned 21 and that I was completely cut out of any and all finances.”

“She took away your trust fund?”

Carmilla just shrugged and nodded.

“I mean, like I said, I didn’t care about the money. I just… it doesn’t matter.” Carmilla pulled her hand away and Laura watched her close in on herself, hating that she felt so absolutely powerless at that moment. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up. We were having a nice time and-”

“Hey, you didn’t ruin that.” Laura waited for those intense dark eyes to finally meet her own, smiling softly when they did. “So, I guess now I understand why you don’t really have a relationship with her… why you don’t really talk to her.”

“Well…”

“What?”

“Initially, yes. I didn’t have anything to say to her and she had even less to say to me but…”

Laura watched the dark-haired girl struggle, something warring in her brain that was not being said. She bit her tongue, waiting another full minute before getting an answer.

“Laura…” Carmilla trailed off for another moment, looking away, an unfamiliar pain in her eyes. “My mother… she passed away a few years ago.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one was offended by the Lilita storyline, however, I realize some people may have been and for that, I apologize. I honestly don't know anyone in the community, myself included, who hasn't lost someone in their life because of something we have no control over. And I felt it was an important story to tell.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and I would love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	23. Are You Lonesome Tonight, Do You Miss Me Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one were Perry and LaF are actually helpful, Laura epically pouts, and Carmilla is a nervous wreck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

She felt her lips twitching ever so slightly, pulling upwards at the corners as Carmilla instinctively settled further against her, their sides touching at every possible juncture. With her casted arm lying along the back of the couch behind her shoulders and her other hand firmly wrapped in Carmilla’s as the dark-haired girl unconsciously played with her fingers, she really couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be at that moment. It was so sweet and comfortable. Almost like it was just a normal thing for them to do. Which, before this mess, it probably was. But it was nice to think that maybe not everything had changed. That maybe they hadn’t completely lost all the good that they’d worked so hard to build.

The last few days had been fairly calm. After spending the previous Saturday together, and finding out the truth about Carmilla’s mother, Laura had quickly backed off on all of the family questions she had burning in her brain, regardless of whose side they fell on. Carmilla had seemingly been more than willing to share any information Laura had requested up until that point but Laura had noticed the obvious way the dark-haired girl had closed off after that truth had come out, unsure if it was the fact that Lilita was gone or the circumstances surrounding her death that had upset her so much. But Laura didn’t want to push it. Upsetting Carmilla further was the last thing she wanted to do and there were plenty of other things that they could talk about when a trip down memory lane was called for.

After the Saturday at the art museum, they’d spent the following days working and taking care of all of the little monotonous details that life had a way of throwing at them and their evenings together, just the two of them, continuing to attempt to slowly rebuild what had been lost. It was… well, slow in Laura’s opinion. Amazing and wonderful, but far too unhurried in her mind. It seemed like they were moving at a snail’s pace, but maybe she was just getting ahead of herself. Maybe she was pushing for too much, too quickly. And at least she had moments like these, ones where she could simply watch and enjoy merely being in the presence of the other girl and having her so close.

Continuing to smile as she watched Carmilla, who was completely focused on the television across the room, she leaned over, pressing a lingering kiss to her temple, smiling into it as Carmilla sighed happily. She really should’ve tried this whole kissing/non-stop touching thing sooner.

 _Well, it’s not non-stop touching,_ she thought, pulling her lips away but staying close, breathing in the scent of Carmilla’s shampoo as she did. _And the kisses have all been totally publicly appropriate. All well-mannered and sweet._ She kept attempting to remedy that, pushing for something a little more risqué, but so far had been unsuccessful. The previous night had been the most embarrassing of her attempts by far and she was almost worried that she might have royally messed everything up when she’d shut herself in the bedroom afterward.

Carmilla had come home early and they’d ended up going to a movie and grabbing a bite to eat later on. They’d talked and laughed and she’d smiled the entire time, enjoying every single moment. It had been a fairly normal night, nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact that Laura kept finding herself… incredibly distracted by the low-cut top Carmilla had donned for their evening out. Laura had thought she’d done a fairly good job of keeping her hands to herself, keeping the physical contact to hand holding and soft cheek kisses, though it had been a challenge. Or at least, she did a good job of withholding her desires for more until they’d gotten home.

Carmilla had just closed and locked the door behind them when Laura was on her, pressing her against it, one hand running through dark locks, the other awkwardly grasping under her leather jacket, lips eager and desperate. It had apparently taken Carmilla a second to realize what was going on before firmly cupping Laura’s face between her hands and pulling back just enough to find her voice.

“Cupcake, what are you-”

But Laura had immediately silenced her once again with an even more intense kiss, pushing her harder against the door, their bodies touching everywhere she could make them. It had lasted for all of thirty seconds more before a breathless Carmilla had finally pulled away, her hands firmly gripping Laura’s hips, holding the smaller girl at arm's length as she pushed them off the door.

“Laura, wait, just… just slow down for a second.”

“Why?” Laura asked breathlessly, unable to look away from Carmilla’s slightly swollen lips.

“I just… we don’t have to rush this, okay? We… we have time.”

Laura finally looked up, her lust filled gaze searching Carmilla’s uneasy one and realized far too late that she may have been reading the signals all wrong. All the flirting and teasing, the few innuendos that had been thrown out … maybe it wasn’t at all what she thought. Maybe she’d done something wrong. Maybe she’d made a mistake. Maybe…

_Oh crap..._

“Do you… I mean… I’m sorry, I just… I thought…”

“Laura, as much as I miss… **that** … I just think that maybe we should slow down a little.”

Carmilla let her hands drop from Laura’s hips and Laura instantly missed the contact. She watched Carmilla take half a step back, away from her and suddenly felt like a complete and total idiot. Of course, Carmilla wanted to slow down. Of course, she wasn’t in a rush. This wasn’t new and exciting to her. This was completely old hat. Predictable. She’d done it a thousand times before.

 _You idiot,_ she chastised herself, feeling her stomach begin to churn.

“Oh. Um, yeah, alright. I… I’m sorry,” she said, immediately pulling away and stepping back herself, the tips of her ears and cheeks tinting bright pink in absolute mortification.

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s not a big deal, cutie.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Carmilla attempting to catch her gaze but kept her head down. Eye contact right now would only make her feel even more ashamed of her behavior and it was already bordering on over the top.

“Hey,” Carmilla attempted once more to get her attention. “I just… I think maybe, for now-”

“No, really, I get I-” she interrupted with a hard swallow and another step away from Carmilla. She couldn’t believe how wrong she’d gotten this. “I-I’m sorry, I’ll just, um… I think I’m just going to go to bed.”

_No way in hell I can stay out here and watch her look at me like some sex-crazed lunatic who’s going to pounce on her at any minute._

“Laura, it’s only nine o’clock.”

“Yeah, well I’m kind of tired and I um… I have things to do tomorrow so…”

“Okay, well… are you sure you don’t maybe just want to hang out? Just for a bit? I mean, we can just talk or… whatever you want. I… I can tell you another story if you’d like.” Laura finally looked up, the slight desperation in Carmilla’s voice pulling at her chest, only to see the slightly sorrowful look in Carmilla’s eyes and felt even worse.

_And now not only have you embarrassed yourself but she feels sorry for you too. Way to go, Hollis. Super sexy._

She quickly shot the idea down with a shake of her head and a forced smile.

“Goodnight,” she muttered before turning and practically sprinting to the bedroom, where she’d stayed the rest of the night, replaying her failure over and over in her head like a bad movie until she’d finally fallen asleep.

They’d avoided the awkward morning after since Carmilla was already gone by the time she’d gotten up and she’d spent the day attempting to focus on her work and not on the epic failure, or the fact that she didn’t hear from the other girl the entire day. But as soon as Carmilla had walked in the door a few hours earlier that evening, she’d gently wrapped an arm around Laura’s waist from behind, leaving a soft kiss atop her shoulder like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

“How was your day, cutie?” she asked, holding on for a second longer and giving Laura’s waist a quick squeeze before pulling away. And just like that, they were fine again. Almost like the night before hadn’t even happened.

Maybe she’d been overthinking things. Maybe trying to rip Carmilla’s clothes off after just a little over a week of ‘dating’ wasn’t her best idea. Maybe the dark-haired girl really did just want them to take their time and… well, she had to respect that, right?

“Laura!” Carmilla chuckled, looking up at her and bringing her back to the present.

“Sorry, I, um… what?”

“I asked if you wanted to watch another movie or if you were going to retire to your boudoir for the night.”

“ **My** boudoir? Really, Carm?”

“Well, we’re sitting in mine so…”

“And whose choice was that?” she asked, her voice rising in pitch. Carmilla simply chuckled again, looking back down at their intertwined fingers and shrugged. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Had I had the hindsight to see this nightmare coming, I would’ve insisted on a third bedroom,” Laura said, her voice taking on a fake haughtiness.

“Oh, I see. This place isn’t good enough for you now, huh, your highness,” she teased.

“Whatever, Carm, this is like the most perfect house ever. It’s practically my dream home.”

“It serves its purpose,” Carmilla said with a smirk, chuckling when Laura gave her shoulder a little shove. “It’s definitely the nicest place we’ve ever had. By about a landslide and a half.”

“How long have we lived here again?”

“We moved in last August, so a little over a year.” Carmilla paused for a moment, laughing quietly as she lost herself in thought. “It was so miserable. The air-conditioning at our old place was broken and it was like the hottest weekend we had that entire summer. Everyone was bitching the entire day and Kirsch was getting on everyone’s nerves because he kept getting distracted. By the end of the day, you and Perry were the only ones protecting him from getting absolutely pummeled.”

“That sounds about right,” Laura said with a giggle. “So, was our old place like a complete crap-hole?” For some reason, she hadn’t actually put much thought into how they’d actually ended up living together. It wasn’t something that had warranted her attention, or at least not up until that point. But now, she found herself wonderfully intrigued about how they’d finally decided to shack up.

“No, it was a nice place,” Carmilla said with a shrug. “I mean, it was small, but all of our places had been small up until we moved here. We’d outgrow a place and then move somewhere that was just the tiniest bit bigger thinking that it would be enough for us and then… well, it was a vicious cycle.”

“So how many places did we have before this one?” she asked, brushing a stray lock of hair behind Carmilla’s ear, unable to help herself, her fingers lingering a little longer than necessary.

“Well, let’s see… first, there was the place over on Kennem. One of those little apartments over the bakery there.”

“Oh my god, over The Dough Knot? I love that place!”

“I know,” Carmilla chuckled. “We woke up every day and the entire apartment would smell like whatever they were making downstairs. I’m pretty sure you spent more time in the bakery than you did in the apartment. Anytime I couldn’t find you, I’d just go downstairs and there you’d be, eating whatever it was that they were feeding you that day.” Laura just smiled and slightly blushed, believing every word Carmilla said. “Let’s see, after that was the one bedroom on Peachwood but we literally had the neighbors from hell, so we weren’t there that long. They had like fifteen children that just constantly screamed at the top of their lungs and they never did a damn thing about it. After that one was the place on Colonial Beach. We were the youngest tenants by at least sixty years and they all took an immediate disliking to me because I looked like ‘a punk.’ You made friends with everyone though because you look so sweet and innocent and you helped everyone out with whatever they needed. They constantly fed you sweets and kept asking if you needed help getting away from me,” Carmilla chuckled again.

“I’m sensing a food pattern here.”

“You’re the one with the atrocious diet, who despite eating six pounds of sugar a day still looks amazing. The ladies there kept asking you your secrets which led to me walking in during a full-on, impromptu yoga session in the middle of our tiny ass living room. After that, you started having sessions for them a couple times a week.”

“I’m such a do-gooder.”

“That you are, creampuff. And, obviously, before all of those was my place, or the place I was living when we met. We lived there until just after you graduated.” Laura watched Carmilla’s face as she continued to play with her fingertips, apparently lost in thought somewhere if the small smile on her face was any indication. And it was far too cute for Laura to just leave it alone.

“What’s with the smile?”

“Nothing, just thinking about all of that.” She paused for a moment, shrugging but still grinning softly. “Sometimes walking down memory lane isn’t so bad.”

“I’ve certainly been enjoying it lately,” she said with a giggle.

She moved her casted hand to the back of Carmilla’s neck, her fingers just barely grazing. She felt the dark-haired girl sag ever so slightly for a full moment before quickly straightening up, seemingly no longer enjoying the simple caress.

 _O-kay. Guess we’re back to that,_ she thought, pulling her hand away and swallowing down the little feeling of rejection sitting in her chest.

“Um… so, we lived together in your apartment?” She heard the unease in her voice and apparently so had Carmilla.

“No, cupcake, this whole thing is just an elaborate ruse to win you over so that you’ll pay half the bills,” she joked, making an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Jerk.” She poked lightly at Carmilla’s shoulder, immediately drawing her hand back afterward but smiling when the dark-haired girl just chuckled once more. “So, how did we decide to move in together? Let me guess… I bugged the crap out of you about it until you finally caved.”

Carmilla just shook her head and shrugged.

“Okay, um, let’s see… LaF accidentally blew up my apartment and I didn’t have anywhere else to go so you took pity on me and lent me **your** couch and I just never moved out?”

“Closer.”

“Um… you had gotten so addicted to my amazing personality that you realized you just couldn’t live without me for one more day and begged me to run away with you but since we still had to finish school, we compromised to live together until I graduated and then skip town?”

“We’re still in Silas, Hollis,” Carmilla laughed. “And who said it was my idea?”

“Well… tell me what really happened then. I’m just going to keep coming up with ridiculous ideas if you don’t.”

She watched Carmilla finally look up at her, a small smile playing at the corner of her lips before giving her an over-exaggerated eye roll and a loud huff.

“Ugh… fine.”

* * *

**_Six Years & One Month Earlier_ **

“I mean, I just…” She trailed off as she looked away, slightly embarrassed. “I don’t know. It just seemed like it made sense. I mean, you’re here pretty much all the time anyway.”

“So, that’s… that’s why you’re asking me to move in? Because I’m always here?”

_Oh shit._

She looked up, shuddering when she saw the bright smile from Laura’s face had fallen and the hurt in her eyes had taken over.

“No, cupcake, that’s not… ugh, I’m saying this all wrong.”

“Look, Carm, I wasn’t talking about couples living together because I wanted to pressure you into asking me to move in. I don’t want you feeling guilty and making a decision about our relationship based on that. If you were really going to ask me to move in, I would hope it would be because you actually wanted that. And, you’re right, I am at your place a lot. I didn’t realize it was such a problem for you but I’ll make sure not to make a habit out of getting comfortable here anymore.” Not only had the hurt taken over Laura’s expression, but it flowed through her voice, clearly palpable.

“Laura, come on, that wasn’t at all what I meant.” She stepped towards Laura, feeling like she’d been punched in the gut when Laura quickly stepped back. She had to fix this and fast. “Listen, I like you here. I want you here.”

“No, you clearly just tolerate me being here,” she said, reaching for her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

Carmilla watched the tears forming in those sweet eyes, threatening to fall and suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe. How had she screwed this up so badly, so fast?

“I’m just going to go.”

And with that Laura turned and walked out the door, slamming it hard behind her and leaving little doubt as to just how pissed off she was. Unwilling to let this happen, Carmilla quickly ran after her, almost ripping the door off its hinges as she pulled it open and stepped through, only to be right back where she started, in the middle of her kitchen.

_What the fuck?_

“Carm, hey, Carm.” She turned her head in the direction of the echoing voice but no one was there. The apartment was empty. “Carmilla…”

 _Seriously, what the hell is going on?_ she thought, frantically turning in circles, trying to figure out where the hell the voice was coming from and how the hell she’d gotten back here.

“Carm, come on, seriously.”

Her eyes fluttered open, glancing around the room and realizing she **was** in her apartment, lying in her bed beneath the covers, Laura sitting next to her, already showered and dressed for her classes that day, lacing up her sneakers with a smile.

“Finally,” she giggled. “Your alarm went off like twenty minutes ago and I’ve been trying to wake you up ever since.”

Carmilla looked around the brightly lit room and groaned.

 _Goddamnit, that’s the third time in two weeks._ She ran a frustrated hand across her face and slowly sat up, shaking her head in an attempt to rid herself of the uncomfortable cobwebs the nightmare had left.

The dreams had to stop eventually, right? The first dream, Laura had merely laughed in her face when she’d asked the tiny brunette to move in with her before walking away, refusing to look back as she’d called after her. The second one, Laura had looked absolutely horrified when she asked and immediately shouted ‘no, are you crazy’ at the top of her lungs. Now with this third one, she was starting to wonder if she was making the right decision. Of course, she wanted Laura to say yes when she finally asked but… what if Laura wasn’t ready? What if she thought Carmilla was moving too fast and that they needed to slow down and take their time getting there?

“I thought you said your Friday morning class got canceled this week?” Laura asked as she finished tying up her laces and stood, walking towards the coffee table where all her school work and books were still laid out from the night before.

“It was,” she answered, climbing out of bed and stumbling towards the kitchen where Laura already had a fresh pot of coffee waiting.

“So… why are you getting up so early then?” Laura asked from behind her, stuffing her things into her backpack. “You don’t have to work today. I figured you’d be taking advantage of a day off.”

“I um… I need to talk to my advisor and make sure all my credits are in order for graduation.” She heard the slight hesitance in her voice and hoped Laura hadn’t picked up on it. The last thing she needed before even having a sip of coffee was her girlfriend wondering what she was hiding from her.

“Isn’t it a little early for that? I mean you still have the spring semester too.”

“Better to find out now than be surprised, I guess,” Carmilla said, pouring herself a cup of coffee and turning back to see a confused looking Laura staring at her. She hurriedly looked away, not wanting Laura to see through the little white lie.

“Okay, well… I should get to class.”

Carmilla just nodded, taking a quick sip from her mug before setting it down on the counter. Even with hiding this from Laura, she didn’t want to completely put the girl off. _That and you just can’t seem to help yourself,_ she thought as she slowly approached the smaller girl as she finished zipping her bag up.

“Hey…” She wrapped her arms around Laura from behind, her voice still laced with sleep, and placed a soft kiss on the juncture between her neck and shoulder, slowly working her lips up the column of Laura’s neck before reaching that spot just below her ear that she knew drove Laura crazy. “Happy birthday, cupcake.”

“Thanks, Carm.” She turned around in Carmilla’s arms, now all giddy smiles and excitement, practically buzzing as she wrapped her arms around the older girl’s neck.

“How does twenty feel so far?” she teased.

“I definitely can feel the arthritis flaring up in my knees,” Laura joked back as she briefly pressed their foreheads together. “So I have class until two and then… are you sure you don’t mind my hanging with LaF this afternoon? I mean, I can always cancel if you’d rather… I mean if you wanted to do something… you know, just the two of us.”

“Why would I mind?”

 _Oh, you are cruel, Karnstein._ She stepped away, back towards the kitchen counter, watching Laura’s hopeful face immediately fall and almost backed out of her cover story… almost.

“Well… I just… no reason, I guess.” She watched Laura’s gaze fall in obvious disappointment, the toe of her sneaker kicking against one of the many scuff marks permanently etched onto the apartment floor.

“Just come by when you’re done with the lab rat, I guess. We can order food and watch TV or something if you bring your laptop.” Carmilla knew this was killing the younger girl but she’d put too much effort into planning this to blow it now just because pouty Laura pulled at her heartstrings.

“Oh, yeah sure, we can do that. I mean, if you don’t mind.”

“I didn’t have any other plans.”

_Okay, that might’ve been below the belt._

She watched as somehow Laura’s face fell even more and reached for her coffee mug, bringing it to her mouth in an attempt to conceal the smirk she felt pulling at her lips. She didn’t want to upset Laura but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to chuckle at the kicked puppy look her girlfriend was sporting. Laura was just so easy to mess with.

“Oh okay, well, I guess… I’ll just see you sometime tonight.” Carmilla nodded and held a straight face as she walked out the door, sans the normal kiss goodbye, and then sighed in relief as soon as it was closed.

_Terrible. She’s like a five-year-old._

She quickly made her way back to the bed, reaching for her phone that was still on the charger atop her nightstand (Laura had gotten her in the habit of making sure it never died), and shot off a quick text.

 **Carmilla (10:15AM):** Okay, she’s gone. You ready?

She took a few more sips from her coffee mug, relishing in the few stress-free, blissful moments as she waited. She knew it was going to be a hell of a day, she’d planned for that. Didn’t mean she was looking forward to dealing with Captain Fusspot but… her eyes jumped to the door when a loud knock sounded, echoing throughout the apartment. Frowning, she got up and made her way to the door, opening it and rolling her eyes.

“I thought you were going to wait until I texted you to head over. She just left for class. What if she would’ve seen you?”

“She didn’t see anything. I waited in the alley and watched her leave from around the corner. Now, are you going to guard the door all day or are you going to let me in? This stuff isn’t exactly light, you know.”

She pushed the door open further and stood aside as Perry walked in, loaded down with boxes and bags of god knew what, surveying the space with a frown as she set everything down.

“Where’s your other half? I thought they were coming over and helping until it was time to go distract Laura,” she said as she closed the door.

“Oh, LaFontaine is on their way. They wanted to ‘help’ so I sent them to pick up some more streamers.”

“Perry, I already bought like all the streamers the party store had! Why do we need more?”

“Clearly you’ve never thrown someone a surprise party, Carmilla. Besides…” She watched Perry go back to her inspection, the redhead frowning more and more as the seconds ticked by. “No offense dear, but your place doesn’t exactly scream welcome and fun. We need all the help we can get. Ergo, more streamers.”

 _Fuck, it’s going to be a long day,_ she thought as she ran a hand through her hair before moving to help Perry unpack the supplies that they’d been scavenging for and hiding over the last two weeks in the back of the ginger’s bedroom closet.

A few hours, multiple arguments over Carmilla’s taste in décor, and the placing of an innumerable amount of streamers, balloons and other party gear later, the apartment had been cleaned, top to bottom, and decorated accordingly. It actually looked amazing and perfectly Laura with the bright colors strung from almost every available surface. The upbeat music playing was probably the cheeriest and most current songs Carmilla’s speakers had ever seen, but it was for Laura, so she’d suffer through. She’d slipped out an hour earlier to pick up the cake she’d ordered for the occasion, and to grab two minutes of peace, as Perry worked on finishing up all the food the two had attempted to prepare with Carmilla’s meager stove. Perry must’ve told her at least fifteen times that it would’ve been better to have the party at their apartment but she didn’t want to do that. It was her idea to throw it for Laura in the first place, and while she had enlisted the help of the ginger duo since she’d never had a big birthday party herself, let alone planned one, there was a bigger reason behind holding the party here. A reason that so far she’d only accidentally revealed to Kirsch, and she swore she saw tears in his eyes when she’d slipped.

“You… you’re going to ask her to… aww, angry hottie. I’m just so happy for you, bro. You and little nerd hottie are just so great together.” And with that, she’d immediately walked away, feeling incredibly uncomfortable with his reaction and leaving him standing alone in the middle of campus like a blubbering man-child.

“Alright, everything is ready, all the guests are here and LaFontaine just texted me that they’ll be here in five minutes,” Perry said, her voice a little higher pitched than normal.

“Fantastic,” Carmilla deadpanned, looking around the room and running a nervous hand over the back of her neck. What is she forgot something or something was wrong or… what if Laura hated this whole thing? What if she hated it so much that later in the night, once everyone was gone, she laughed in Carmilla’s face when she finally ‘popped the question’? “Fuck.”

“Something wrong, dear?” Perry asked, head tilted to the side, eyes wide.

“No. Everything’s fine.” She shrugged off her concerned look and grabbed up one of the bottles of beer sitting in one of the many ice tubs littered around the room. Popping the cap off on the corner of the counter with her fist, she took a healthy gulp, hoping to calm her nerves.

_She’s not going to laugh at you. She loves you. Stop being a wimp and woman up, dammit._

* * *

“Frosh, seriously, what the hell’s wrong with you? You’ve been moody all night? That girlfriend of yours rubbing off on you or what?”

“No! I just…” She trailed off as she kicked at a nearby pebble, watching it skid over the pavement in front of her before dropping off into the grass on the other side of the sidewalk. “Sorry, just… had a bad day in class. It’s no big deal.”

“You should’ve skipped. I mean, it’s your birthday. You probably would’ve been happier just staying in bed all day with your hunk o’ burning love.”

“LaF!” The short-haired ginger just laughed and kept walking, and though on any other day, Laura would’ve agreed with their suggestion, today was different and this definitely hadn’t been the best birthday ever. Not that she needed some big fanfare or anything. But…

Birthdays had always been a big deal when she was still living at home with her dad. He always made a big fuss over her and usually made an entire day out of it. Her first year at Silas, Perry, and LaF had taken her out for a movie and then they’d had cake and ice cream in their dorm after they’d gotten back. And then last year, they’d actually had a small gathering at their apartment with Danny, Mel, and a few of the other Summers she’d made friends with. It wasn’t a big deal, but it had been fun and it felt nice to know that there were people out there that cared enough to recognize her birthday and celebrate with her, no matter how small. But this year… it was the first birthday she’d celebrated with Carmilla.

The dark-haired girl’s birthday had come and gone just a couple of months earlier and, even though Carmilla had insisted that she didn’t want to do anything special, Laura had practically sold her soul to get her hands on a set of Blondie tickets for the two of them for that night. Carmilla had been over the moon and they’d ended the night with the espresso cake and chocolate ice cream that she’d hidden in Carmilla’s vastly underused kitchen. The ice cream had… gotten into some interesting places and had made a huge mess, but it was an amazing night. And now, even if Carmilla didn’t have anything elaborate planned, Laura had hoped that the dark-haired girl might **want** to do something special for her. Even something small. Even if it was just a little cupcake or a cookie to celebrate, it was something. But Carmilla seemed to not even care if her attitude that morning had been any indication. The thought of celebrating clearly hadn’t even crossed the older girls mind.

“Just… just forget it, LaF. It’s fine. Thanks for taking me out tonight for the movie.” LaF had even let her pick and kept the griping to a minimum when she’d chosen a romantic comedy.

“Sure. I mean, Per had some stuff to take care of for class anyway.” They’d reached Carmilla’s building and she looked up, sighing as she stared at its brick façade. Part of her didn’t even want to go up, just to prove a stubborn point. But the bigger part of her had missed Carmilla that day and even if there wasn’t a cupcake or a cookie waiting, they could still spend some time together.

“Aren’t you coming up?” She looked to see LaF had already climbed up the front stoop and was holding the rickety front door open.

“Uh, I am, yeah, but why are you going up?”

“Bad seed has a book I want to check out. She told me I could stop by and get it. Seemed like tonight’s as good as any considering I’m already here.”

Laura just nodded and followed along inside and up the stairs slowly, her feet heavy. They reached the fourth floor and she slowly made their way to Carmilla’s door, pulling her keys out of her pocket and finding the one she was looking for on the overflowing ring. She could hear the neighbors upstairs having entirely too much fun and some softer music on the other side of the door she was unlocking. _Guess that’s what I’m doing tonight. Listening to music and watching Carmilla read,_ she thought, her lip pushing out even further in an epic pout. Not that she minded that, because in all honesty, she’d discovered she could watch Carmilla for hours and not get bored. Still… Sighing, she finally opened the door, stepping inside and stopped, her jaw dropping as she took in the brightly decorated room, streamers and balloons transforming the small space into a rather festive gathering.

“Oh. My. God! Holy crap, what is this?”

“Why I believe it’s a birthday party,” LaF said with a toothy grin, patting her on the shoulder. “Happy birthday, Frosh.”

Laura smiled harder than she had in months and looked around the room at the familiar faces. Mel and Kirsch were already bickering on the couch, they’re respective dates looking slightly uncomfortable. Some of the more tolerable Zeta’s were on one side of the apartment, laughing at some ridiculous anecdote from one of the brothers while a few of the Summers were on the other side, rehashing their latest field hockey win with full on impressions. Perry was flittering around the room, making sure everyone had food and drinks, ever the proper hostess. And at the very back, smiling softly at her, leaning back against the kitchen counter, cool as ever, was Carmilla.

_Oh my god, I can’t believe she..._

She tried to make her way to her as quickly as she could but everyone kept stopping her to wish her well and to try and catch up. She tried to be friendly, really she did, but she just couldn’t get to her girlfriend fast enough and the receiving line she was facing was getting to be a little daunting. Finally pushing her way past Kirsch after he’d introduced his date, she dodged through the room and made it to the other side, relatively unscathed.

“Hey, cutie,” Carmilla said as Laura finally reached her, wrapping her arms tightly around the older girls neck.

“What is this?” she giggled.

“It’s your birthday, cupcake. I just… I thought you might want to celebrate,” she said nonchalantly with a shrug, her hands finally finding Laura’s hips, her thumbs slipping up under her buttondown, searching for skin.

“You planned all of this?” she asked in awe.

“Well, Betty Crocker and the lab rat helped. A lot,” she answered, looking away, a faint blush on her cheeks. “I wanted to try and do something for you but… I just wasn’t exactly sure how to throw you a party so…”

“You did a fantastic job, Carmilla,” Perry added as she approached the two, handing Laura a glass of punch, which smelled faintly spiked.

“I have to admit, I am impressed, Bellatrix,” LaF added as they stepped next to Perry. “Yeah, we helped with like the colors and stuff, but most of the ideas were yours.”

Laura watched Carmilla attempt to fight her blush and smiled even harder when the dark-haired girl totally failed.

“You jerk, you totally lied to me this morning about having to meet your advisor, didn’t you?” she laughed.

“It was a little, white lie and… well, there was a lot to do today.”

Laura set her cup down and pressed herself against her girlfriend even further, trapping her against the counter.

“This is kind of amazing. You’re kind of amazing,” she said, pressing their foreheads together and smiling when she felt Carmilla’s hands gently squeeze at her hips.

“Happy birthday, cupcake,” she said, leaning forward and capturing Laura’s lips with her own and Laura couldn’t rid herself of the giant smile on her mouth as the kiss continued.

* * *

“That was… the best… birthday… ever,” Laura said, punctuating each word with a long, slow kiss to Carmilla’s perfect lips. From below her on the bed, Carmilla merely chuckled, looking completely and utterly exhausted. “Thank you so much, Carm. Seriously, this was incredible. I’ve had birthday parties before, but this… this one leaves all the others in the dust.”

It was now well after midnight and Perry and LaF had been the last guests to leave just a few minutes earlier after Perry had insisted on trying to clean up as much as possible.

“Well, I wanted to do something. I mean, you got those amazing concert tickets for my birthday. And even though this party doesn’t compare, I still wanted to try.”

“Carm, those were the crappiest seats ever,” Laura giggled.

“Still the best birthday I ever had.”

“Yeah, well, this was the sweetest, most amazing birthday anyone’s ever given me.” She leaned down to kiss her girlfriend into oblivion only to be stopped when Carmilla rolled them over, pinning her to the bed.

“Well, it’s not over yet, creampuff,” she said, smirking down at her. “I still have one last, very special gift for you.” The way she whispered the words against Laura’s lips left little doubt in her mind as to what Carmilla had planned and she smiled mischievously, leaning up to attempt to capture those lips once again, only to have Carmilla completely pull away and climb off the bed.

_Wait, what?_

“Um, Carm, I’m all about that ‘last very special thing’ so can you come back here now so we can… you know… do it?”

“Eloquent as always, cutie. And get your mind out of the gutter,” Carmilla chuckled as she grabbed something from above the refrigerator and slowly walked back towards the bed, smirking the whole way. She sat down next to Laura and handed her the small, neatly wrapped box in her hand.

“Wait, you actually got me something else? Like, the party and… the after party aren’t everything?”

“No,” Carmilla chuckled.

Laura looked back to the package, quickly tearing the paper off of it and opening the box inside, finding herself immediately confused as she studied the contents.

“Um… earplugs?”

“Yeah, well… they’re for if my music gets too loud or is a distraction while you’re doing homework or whatever…” Laura looked up, noticing the nervous smile on Carmilla’s face and only grew more confused.

“Carm, um, thanks. That’s… really thoughtful, I guess. But, normally if the music gets too distracting, I just go home.”

“Well… what if…” She watched Carmilla swallow hard and blow out a deep breath before meeting her eyes. “What if this was your home?”

_What?!?_

“What?!?”

“I love you, cupcake. You know that and I love you being here. I just… I’d like it if you were here, all the time. And… I don’t know… we’ve been together for almost a year now. It just, it seems right.” She stopped for a moment, searching Laura’s eyes, her brow furrowed before pressing on. “If you don’t want to or you aren’t ready, I understand. But I want you here, Laura. I love looking up and seeing you here, typing on your laptop or making notes in your books. I love coming home from work at three in the morning and you’re here, already cuddled up and asleep. I love waking up and you’re sitting on the couch, watching one of those nerdy shows you love on your laptop with your earbuds in, eating a bowl of cereal. I love-”

Laura didn’t need to hear anything more. She grabbed ahold of the front of Carmilla’s shirt and pulled her in, their lips crashing together as she did. She felt Carmilla smiling into the kiss and realized it was almost as big as her own smile.

“Yes! Yes, I want to live here with you. I… I want us to move in together.”

“Yeah?”

“Carm, I just said yes!” she giggled. “I… god, Carm, you are like the best girlfriend in the history of the world.” She leaned in once again, carefully pressing their still smiling lips together and sighed happily.

“I think we’re kind of tied for that, cutie, but I’m glad you think so,” she said, pushing Laura down onto her back and kissing her with purpose.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“That may be the cutest way to ask someone to move in that I’ve ever heard,” Laura said with a giggle. “You are such a romantic sap.”

“Hey!” Carmilla frowned. “Am not.”

“If that’s what you have to tell yourself.” Laura giggled one last time before smiling and leaning in, leaving a soft kiss on Carmilla’s smooth cheek and resting her forehead against the other girl’s temple. Of all the ways to ask someone to live with them, that had to be up there at the top of the list for utter adorableness.

“You seem to have the same opinion now as you did then on just how ‘sweet’ it was,” she grumbled. “You literally told every person you could how it happened. It was… so disgusting.”

Laura giggled again, moving back just a little and reached for one of Carmilla’s hands, gently running her fingertips along the back of it, finding that she literally couldn’t keep herself away. Sighing happily she looked up and watched Carmilla slowly turn her head, swallowing hard as she did, her face completely serious. Her eyes found Laura’s a moment later and Laura found herself getting lost in their infinite dark depths. She watched Carmilla glance down at her lips, slightly biting at her own for a long minute, and Laura waited, wanting nothing more than for Carmilla to kiss her at that moment.

_Please._

She sighed in relief and closed her eyes when she felt Carmilla’s free hand cup her cheek as she leaned forward, pressing their lips together for all of ten seconds before pulling away.

_Dammit, really? That’s all?_

She opened her eyes to see Carmilla no longer staring at her, but instead, brow furrowed, eyes downcast.

“Hey.” She reached out, placing a finger under the older girls chin, forcing her to look up. “Are you… I mean, is there something wrong or is something bothering you?”

“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” she said, quietly.

“Carm…”

“Seriously, I’m fine. Just… enjoying your company, cupcake.” She attempted a smile but it was halfhearted and Laura didn’t buy her answer. There was something more here. And she worried that she already knew what it was.

“You know, if something is bothering you, you can talk to me about it,” she started, feeling a little defeated when Carmilla looked away but pressing on anyway. “I want you to talk to me, Carm. We’re not going to get anywhere if you go all silent on me. I can’t fix something when I don’t know that it’s wrong.”

“Laura, I’m… I’m not trying to shut you out, okay. It’s just…” Carmilla trailed off once again, pulling her hands away with a sigh and focusing on something across the room. “It’s nothing,” she finally said and Laura felt it right in her chest.

What could she do? She couldn’t force Carmilla to open up to her. She couldn’t make the other girl tell her what it was that was holding her back. She could only come up with her own theories and right then, they weren’t looking too promising.

_She doesn’t want you anymore. She’s changed her mind. She’s only doing this because she feels sorry for you. She thinks this is a waste of- Shut up brain! You’re just in different places right now. She’s done this already and you’re forcing her to do it again._

“Okay,” she said after a long moment of silence, shifting away on the couch and leaving a few inches between them.

She watched Carmilla’s eyes snap back to her, questioning and then defeated as she eyed the invisible boundary that separated them.

“I should probably get to bed.”

“Laura, I-”

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I get it,” she said as she slowly stood up, glancing back at the other girl just one more time before walking out of the room. “Goodnight, Carmilla,” she called over her shoulder but the only response she got was a heavy sigh.

* * *

Why’d she have to mess it up so bad? They’d been having a great night together, everything light and easy, and it had gone so wrong, so fast.

 _Just like last night. Just as soon as she kissed you, you freaked out and pushed her away,_ she thought, swallowing hard as she remembered the feeling of Laura’s lips pressed against hers so absolutely perfectly. She had missed being able to freely kiss Laura so much over the last few weeks and now that she could, now that she was allowed to, it just felt…

_Dammit! Why do I have to make this so fucking complicated?_

Laura had only left the room ten minutes earlier but it felt like hours that she’d been sitting there on the couch, alone and ridden with guilt. She honestly didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t keep holding Laura at arm’s length but she couldn’t tell her the truth either. The other girl wouldn’t understand.

_She’ll think you’re fucking crazy._

She stood up and slowly walked out of the room, turning and making her way outside to the patio balcony, needing the fresh air before she suffocated under the pressure in the house. It was chilly again but she needed that. She needed to focus on something else besides her desire to immediately make her way back to their bedroom, wrap Laura in her arms, and take what they both so obviously wanted.

 _No. It’s not right. You’d be doing the wrong thing,_ she thought, leaning over the railing, feeling its metal cold and biting against her bare arms while the frozen concrete of the deck gnawed at her bare feet.

She couldn’t do that to Laura, no matter how badly she wanted her. She couldn’t hurt her like that.

_You’d be betraying her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY IMPORTANT!!!
> 
> There is a distinct possibility that there will not be an update next Friday. I'm going to try my best but between some not so pleasant personal stuff going on, catching up at work, and traveling (literally just walked in the door an hour ago after being gone for a week), I'm in major catch-up mode. I will try but just in case, here's your warning. Please know, this is just for this week and I'm not abandoning this story or anything like that. In fact, the 34 chapters listed are actually more like 37 or 38. So hopefully that will make up for a possible miss next week.
> 
> Thank you all so so so much for reading and giving this story a chance. I really do appreciate it and I hope you continue to stick with me until the end. Let me know what you all think. :)
> 
> tumblr:dogsbeerandawesomeness


	24. These Arms Of Mine, They Are Yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super fluffy flashback with costumes, while in the present, Carmilla battles and Laura wanders a little lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated posting this because I was thinking of taking the week off. Some can argue I did because it's Saturday but, let's just pretend it's on time. And updates should continue as normal.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.
> 
> And... anyone not wanting to read the giant note I'm about to post, please skip on down to the story and I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> For the rest of you, when I posted last week, I didn't think I'd have the emotional energy to post this week and that was why I said I was taking a break. For anyone who is reading this and is struggling mentally or emotionally, let me just say this to you. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. It can be completely crippling. Don’t give up on yourself though. Even if all you can do is haul yourself out of bed and brush your teeth, it’s something. Don’t stop. Take a shower. Go outside and feel the sun on your skin. Or the rain or the cold or whatever weather is blowing through your town. Listen to your favorite song. Watch something that makes you smile. Pet a dog. Hug a dog. Snuggle a dog. Talk to someone. Anyone. 
> 
> I was nineteen when they diagnosed me with severe depression and now, fast forward to a little over a decade later, I’m about as low as I’ve ever been. I came home from visiting my family last week, received some unpleasant news, came face to face with another issue that I've been stressing over for months, and I’ve spent the last seven days just going through the motions, only leaving my house to go to work and only because I HAVE to. I have rent and bills to pay. I have two little furry puppy boys that count on me to take care of them. Said puppy boys came and sat next to me, snuggling in as close as possible when I broke down sobbing mid-week in the middle of my living room. Last night, when I normally would be posting my weekly update, I was actually talking to my sister, who I look up to and adore, and who also struggles with depression. And they are doing fairly well with it right now, which I am so grateful for. I don’t know what it was that they said to me or if it was just because they just listened while I vented about things we've both dealt with but this morning, I got up, walked the dogs and an hour later, I put on my tennis shoes and went for a run for the first time since April when this all started. It wasn’t long and it was slow as hell but I did it. And when I texted my sister to tell them, they said they were proud of me. And that made me feel something. I don’t know what it was, but it was a good feeling. And while I've got this little warm and fuzzy in my chest, I wanted to put up this chapter because I love this story. I love creating it and I love knowing that it means something to some of you in this incredible fandom. 
> 
> I know that I have a really long road ahead of me and I see a lot of obstacles that are going to suck over the next few months. But I have to do it. I refuse to quit. I’m far too stubborn. And for those of you who are wondering why in the hell I'm not posting this, it is NOT as a sob story for me. I’m posting this right now because I want those people out there who are struggling to know that you aren’t alone. It’s hard, I know. But don’t give up. The world would be worse off without you here and whether that’s in the life of one person or a million, that makes a difference. YOU MATTER. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE VALID. Please remember that and remind yourself everyday, as many times as you need to. Just DON'T quit!

It had to stop. She had to stop. It was getting so absolutely ridiculous that she could barely stand herself. She kept trying to shake it off. She kept trying to tell herself that it was alright, that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. But dammit, every time… it just wasn’t getting any easier. If anything, it was getting more and more difficult to let Laura get close. She felt it anytime the smaller girl pulled Carmilla against her own body. Anytime she wrapped her arms around the dark-haired girl or threaded her fingers through her hair. Anytime Laura let those perfect lips linger a little longer against hers, hinting, silently pleading for more. And every damn time the smaller girl tried… Carmilla cringed at the thought of the disappointed face she knew she’d cause as soon she pulled herself away and put up her walls.

She couldn’t keep holding Laura at arm’s length. If she did, she knew she’d eventually push the smaller girl away permanently.

 _And that_ **_cannot_ ** _happen._

She kept telling herself that there was no difference. When they sat together at dinner, catching up over their days, laughing, and teasing, Carmilla telling Laura stories of their past, the good and the bad, it was exactly as it had always been. Laura may have blushed a little harder but Carmilla had always found those rosy cheeks so enticing and adorable. In those moments, it was almost like nothing had changed. It was just the two of them, happy and together, just like always. But as soon as Laura reached for her… It was a giant slap in the face and a reminder that things were **very** different.  

She looked out the window over the kitchen sink, watching the sun slowly descend and feeling the same ache that had been sitting there over the last week pulling at her chest, squeezing and slowly crushing her. But what could she do? She couldn’t tell Laura the truth. The other girl would think she’d lost her marbles. She couldn’t talk to Mattie or Will about it. They’d never understand but that wasn’t surprising. They’d never understood anything about relationships seeing as they both rejected them for the most part. And she definitely couldn’t go to the ginger duo for advice. Though Perry would probably be the most understanding, the pair would still be at a loss as to how to help her. No, no one else could help her get over this. She had to face it alone.

But what if she couldn’t? What if she was stuck here, the guilt gnawing at her gut and they never would be able to move forward? What if…

_Jesus, what if I fucking lose her, again?_

Maybe that was the way it was supposed to be though. Maybe she was doomed to walk through life, constantly losing the woman she loved more than anyone or anything in the world over and over again. Maybe that’s what she deserved. But even if she **did** deserve that loneliness, Laura didn’t deserve the constant distance. She didn’t deserve the constant pulling away after just a minute or two of anything physical. Or the constant doubt and questions of whether or not she was doing something wrong.

It had been four days since Laura had attempted to pounce on her in the kitchen after their movie and dinner date, and she’d rejected the smaller girl, watching Laura’s face fall into complete mortification and sadness when she’d pulled away. And three days since she’d told Laura about how they ended up moving in together and once again, had pushed Laura away when the tiny brunette had tried to get her to open up after that nights failed kiss.

They both kept pretending that nothing was wrong, that everything was fine. But since then, every time the stubborn little brunette tried something, anything lasting longer than a few seconds, it was the same result.

_The same goddamn stupid bull shit!_

The previous night was a perfect example and she’d felt like such an ass afterward that she honestly didn’t know what to do. Camilla had been sitting on the far end of the couch, feet propped up in front of her, book in hand when Laura had walked in, smiling softly at her and asking if it would bother Carmilla if she turned the television on.

“No, not at all. Knock yourself out, creampuff.”

Laura had simply smiled back, all sweet and adorable, before walking around the coffee table and sitting right next to Carmilla, leaving only an inch or two between them. Carmilla had swallowed hard and inhaled deeply, instantly feeling both delight and regret when the natural scent that was uniquely Laura assaulted her senses. She smelled so good and it was so safe and comfortable. And so…

_Dammit! I want her so much. Why does it have to be like this? Why did this have to happen?_

She’d attempted to refocus on the pages in front of her, trying not to notice the way Laura slouched into the sofa, leaving their shoulders brushing against one another. It was a simple touch. It didn’t mean anything, she told herself as she attempted to get the words on the page to arrange into a sentence that made sense in her brain. Of course, a not so simple touch came less than thirty seconds later when Laura shuffled closer, pressing her side fully into Carmilla’s and resting her chin on Carmilla’s shoulder.

“What’re you reading?” she asked, placing her hand in Carmilla’s lap, her fingertips lazily tracing over the hole in the thigh of her jeans, skin meeting skin.

“Oh… um…”

 _Shit, what_ **_am_ ** _I reading?_ She turned the book over, looking at the cover and suddenly remembered picking it up off the shelf an hour earlier in the hope that it would distract her for the evening.

“The Woman in White?” Laura read aloud, looking from the cover to Carmilla’s face curiously.

“You um… you gave it to me last year for Christmas,” she said with a shrug.

“Man, a book for Christmas? I’m super lame huh?” she teased, smiling softly.

“Worst present I ever got,” Carmilla teased back, marking her place and setting the tome to the side.

“Well, I sure hope I made it up to you in some other way.”

She watched Laura attempt to wiggle her eyebrows suggestively and felt her stomach drop. Laura moved her hand from where it rested on her leg up to her face, gently cupping her cheek and leaning in to press a soft, lingering kiss to the edge of her jaw, forcing Carmilla to once again swallow hard. Her lips slowly trekked along her chin, inch by inch, finally finding Carmilla’s own lips and barely pressing them together for half a second before pulling away when Carmilla didn’t reciprocate. Carmilla realized she’d gone so completely still in trying not to respond that she hadn’t even blinked. Hell, she was barely breathing. She looked up, her heart clenching in her chest at the sight of Laura, her eyes downcast, her ears and cheeks tinted pink with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” Laura said quietly, pulling away completely and moving towards the other side of the sofa, leaving a large gap between them.

Carmilla watched her somehow make herself even smaller as she curled in on herself, and instantly felt a million times worse.

“Shit, Laura, no.” She paused, running a frustrated hand through her hair and blew out a heavy sigh. “It’s… you don’t have to be sorry. It’s not you. It’s not your fault.”

Laura simply nodded, forcing a small, sad smile to her lips before leaving the room without another word. Carmilla had sat there, nailed to the sofa, hating how much she was hurting Laura but unable to force herself to go after the smaller girl. If she did, she’d have to lie about what was really going on and Laura didn’t deserve that. She deserved the truth and she deserved someone who wanted her as much as she wanted Carmilla.

 _That’s the fucking problem, asshole. You_ **_do_ ** _want her. But she’s… what if… what if it’s different?_

“Carm?”

She turned, looking behind her to see Laura standing there on the other side of the kitchen island, already in her pajamas, the flannel bottoms just a bit too long and leaving her feet covered, looking utterly adorable.

“Huh?”

“I said Perry just texted and asked if we were free for game night this week. We apparently haven’t had one for a few months and I guess everyone is free this week and she thought it would be a good time for all of us to catch up.”

“Yippee,” she grumbled, turning and grabbing the glass of merlot she’d poured only a few minutes earlier. She took a small sip, leaning forward over the counter and glanced back up, seeing the disappointed look that had taken over Laura’s face.

“Okay, um… don’t worry about it. I can just go by myself,” the smaller girl said with a nod as she turned to head back down the hallway.

_Dammit. Could you stop fucking this up for two seconds!_

“Wait, cupcake, I didn’t mean that. I just… I’m sorry. Just ignore me. That’s fine. We can go.”

“I don’t mind going alone, Carm. I mean, maybe it’s better if we take a night apart. I know you probably want some free time and some… space. So… I’ll just tell her it’ll be an odd number of us playing. It’s not a big deal.”

_Karnstein, you fucking idiot._

“Laura, no. I mean, yes, free time and space are good from time to time, I suppose but… I’m not trying to get rid of you. Really. I want to go with you.”

“Are you sure?” She said it so quietly that Carmilla literally felt it breaking her heart.

“Positive. Besides, Betty Crocker’s right, we haven’t had one in a long time. It’s overdue. I’m just being grumpy because inevitably it’ll lead to an argument where someone’s interpreting the rules wrong or someone’s trying to cheat,” she said with a shrug. “It happens every time. But I’m fine sitting back and watching it unravel. Who else is going?”

“Well, the text was to everyone. Mel and Charlotte. Kirsch and he asked if he could bring that girl he’s been seeing. I guess it’s gotten kind of serious and he wants her to meet everyone. And, um… Danny and Betty.” Laura looked away for a moment, fidgeting slightly and staring down at her hidden toes. “Actually, if they’ll be there, maybe we shouldn’t go.”

“Laura,” Carmilla sighed and set her glass down, slowly walking around the counter towards the tiny brunette. “You’ve got to stop this whole boycott Lawrence thing. It’s fine, honest.” She hesitantly reached out, placing her hand just below Laura’s chin and forced the smaller girls eyes up to her own. “You guys have been friends for years. A couple of stupid stories shouldn’t change that.”

“They weren’t stupid,” Laura said quietly.

“Okay, no, they weren’t. But… all that’s in the past and that’s where it needs to stay. You care about her and she cares about you and it’s completely platonic. And it’s fine. I’m okay with it.”

“But why are you okay with it, Carm? I still don’t understand. I mean… what she did… what I did…”

Carmilla sighed, hating that they couldn’t have just one night where they both could just smile and be together and be happy. Of course, she knew a big part of that was her own fault at this point but…

“Cutie, what happened at that party was wrong. Lawrence was an ass and she had no right to make you feel as uncomfortable as she did.”

“But it wasn’t just that night.”

“No, it was before that night too, but… look, she wasn’t right to do any of that. Especially considering how much she really did care about you as her friend. But even with that being said, after losing you and the ginger twins… well, she lost a lot. She lost her three best friends, the three people she was closest to and that definitely had an impact. And even if I’m not her biggest fan, thinking about losing people I care about, even if it was my own fault… well, you kind of showed me over the years how important it is to have people that you can count on. People you care about and who care about you. You showed me that forgiveness, while not always deserved, can help more than just the person who made the mistake in first place. Again, what she did was messed up, yes. But… Laura, I’ve said this before, she was a good friend to you at one point. That friendship mattered. And she’s been a good friend to you since then. Nothing like that ever happened again. She… she learned her lesson.”

“So… then how did we become friends again?”

“It wasn’t overnight. It took a while. LaF was probably the first one to call it water under the bridge. Perry held out a little longer. A while after they forgave her and you saw just how much she’d changed… well, you finally caved. You guys have never quite gotten back to being as close as you were but you are friends again. You take care of each other.”

“So when did that start? I mean, how did we go from that huge fight and never seeing each other to having a friendship again?”

_Storytime. Now, this I can handle._

Carmilla smiled and moved towards the island, sitting on one of the stools there and patting the other for Laura to follow suit, smiling harder when the smaller girl eagerly scrambled onto the seat.

* * *

**_Six Years Earlier_ **

She adjusted the thin silver framed, lensless glasses on her face and gave herself one more glance in the mirror. Hair pinned back halfway with a couple of pens and curled at the ends, white fitted button-up with her ‘press pass’ clipped to the pocket, dark, knee-length pencil skirt, slit just high enough to show a little thigh, and black heels that she was sure to fall over in before the night was over.

_Lois Lane, eat your heart out._

She nodded once more and walked back out of the bathroom, her heels clicking against the worn wood floor as she did. Other than the soft music coming from the speakers in the corner, the apartment was silent. She glanced at the clock, noting Carmilla should be home any minute and moved towards the bed where their freshly folded laundry sat, intermingled and ready to be put away.

The transition of living with LaF and Perry to living with Carmilla hadn’t been the easiest. Her apartment with her friends had always been spotless, where Carmilla was terrible about cleaning up after herself. There was always food filling the refrigerator and cupboards at Perry and LaF’s, but Carmilla’s kitchen was usually bare except for the essentials, even after Laura had taken over the grocery shopping. Perry and LaF usually kept quiet while she was studying or working on homework or projects, but Carmilla… well, Laura had definitely been getting a decent amount of usage out of the earplugs the dark-haired girl had given her.

They’d had their biggest fight to date about a week after Laura had moved in, flinging out all their grievances about each other’s living habits in the middle of the small, untidy apartment for a solid thirty minutes before Carmilla had stormed out, returning only a few hours later after Laura had furiously cleaned every inch of the space, the dark-haired girl remorseful and promising to do better. And over the last month, she had. Laura still found hair in the shower drain at least once a week and coffee mugs didn’t always make it into the sink but those were small complaints in the grand scheme of things. They’d learned how to navigate their living arrangements slowly and, honestly, Laura really was beyond happy that they’d taken this step. She loved waking up to Carmilla every day and knowing that she’d find herself sleeping next to the dark-haired girl every night. She loved that their clothes intermingled in the closet and that Carmilla’s toothbrush permanently sat next to hers. She loved that this was their apartment and that Carmilla had made room for her and her things on her bookshelves and in the bathroom cupboard. She loved Carmilla and she loved how happy they were together.

She was just hanging the last sweater from the clean laundry pile in the closet when she heard the front door unlock and open behind her, the girl on her mind finally coming home.

“Hey, Carm,” she called out over her shoulder, making sure everything was in its place before closing the door to the closet. “I was starting to wonder if you were going to be la-”

She cut herself off as she turned around, eyes widening, jaw dropping when she saw her girlfriend standing near the door, hair pulled up, hands in her pockets, smirking back at her.

They’d been going back and forth for two weeks now about Halloween costumes for the party they were attending that night. Laura had immediately decided on going as Lois Lane but Carmilla, being even more difficult than normal, was adamant about not wearing a costume, claiming it was childish and since she hadn’t had a Halloween costume since she was five, there was no reason to start wearing one now.

_Guess she changed her mind. And holy crap… she is so freaking hot._

“You like it?” Carmilla asked, still smirking, and Laura couldn’t stop the beaming smile taking over her face.

“You look… what the hell, Carm? You said you weren’t going to dress up!”

“Well I changed my mind,” she shrugged.

Laura bit at her bottom lip, her eyes raking over her girlfriend as she slowly walked towards her, stopping when she was finally able to press herself against Carmilla, wrapping one hand around the suspender over Camilla’s right shoulder and using her other hand to grab ahold of the loose tie hanging around her neck. She looked up, meeting Carmilla’s mischievous dark eyes, and bit her smiling lower lip, so beyond happy in that moment.

“You should wear glasses like… all the time,” she said, taking in Carmilla’s own lensless black frames. “And this necktie… totally staying on later.”

Carmilla just laughed, her hands finding Laura’s hips and squeezing, pulling the smaller girl even closer.

“Just the tie?”

“Well, as good as you look in those trousers, they’ll definitely need to come off for what I have in mind. And you’ll just look silly with no bottoms but still wearing this button-up with the Superman t-shirt below it.”

“Good point.”

“I can’t believe you dressed up as Clark Kent,” Laura finally giggled. “Seriously, what made you change your mind?”

“I just like seeing you happy,” Carmilla said with a shrug. “This seemed like a small price to pay to see you smile.”

“I love you so much,” she said, leaning in and kissing Carmilla’s full, smiling lips.

“I love you too, cutie. And…” She trailed off as she took in Laura’s costume, her eyes darkening just the slightest. “Fuck, you look so good, Laura. Let’s get out of here so we can get back faster.”

Laura simply giggled and grabbed her coat as Carmilla pulled her out the front door.

* * *

“So how’d you really get her to dress up?” LaF asked, adjusting the goggles atop their head once again with the yellow rubber gloves they’d donned and that Laura was pretty sure Perry normally used to clean the kitchen with. “Do you have embarrassing photos or something you’re blackmailing her with?”

“No, she just… showed up at home like that,” Laura said, smiling as she looked over at her girlfriend, watching her gracefully navigate through the crowd with their first round of drinks.

“I think it’s very sweet that she decided to do a couples costume with you,” Perry chimed in from her spot next to LaF.

“Yeah, speaking of which, what happened to you guys? I thought you were doing a together costume and I don’t think you managed that with a mad scientist and Julia Child.”

“We had a difference of opinion,” LaF answered with a pointed look at Perry.

“Do not start this again, LaFontaine,” Perry warned.

“Here you go, cupcake,” Carmilla said as she reached Laura’s side and handed her the gin and tonic she’d requested. Laura just smiled, wrapping her arm around Carmilla’s waist, and pressing a soft lingering kiss on her jawline, leaving a little nip there as well as she just couldn’t help herself.

“Keep it PG, Hollis,” Mel called from behind them with a teasing smile and a wave as she made the rounds. Laura just smiled and waved back before leaning further into her girlfriend.

Looking around her, everything looked the same as any other Halloween party she’d ever attended here over the last few years. Most of the same people, the same decorations, the same music. She took a sip of her drink and cringed.

_The same crappy bartenders._

“Feels kind of weird being here, you know?” LaF called out. “I mean, after not being here for so long.”

“It is a little odd,” Perry agreed, nursing the very non-alcoholic grape soda that she’d brought from home.

Laura felt Carmilla shrug against her but found herself agreeing as well. It had been months since they’d attended one of these parties and honestly, even standing here now, she was still feeling a little on edge. Carmilla must have sensed this though as she pulled Laura tighter against her, leaving a gentle kiss on her cheek.

“I’ve got you, cutie,” she whispered and Laura found herself smiling as she turned and met Carmilla’s sweet gaze.

She occasionally still had a hard time believing that this was her girlfriend. That this perfect, wonderful creature loved her and only her. That this was her life now and she was so completely and utterly happy. Carmilla was so amazing and wonderful to her and after making their way through some not so pleasant ordeals over the last year, she felt that they really were in a great and respectful place.

“Is that… shit.”

“What?” she asked, turning to a worried looking LaF and Perry. “What’s wrong?”

“Um… well… Laura, dear, it appears Danny is just over there.”

“What?!”

_Well, there goes great and respectful._

Laura felt the mild panic flair in her chest. Danny Lawrence was not supposed to be here. This was the first Summer Society party they had attended since the blowout months ago and she’d only agreed to come after Mel had asked, hoping it would be a great one since it was her last year at Silas and then pointed out that Danny wouldn’t be in attendance since she’d graduated the previous May. But apparently, that wasn’t the case.

She turned and looked behind her, following the direction of LaF and Perry’s line of sight and sighed. There she was, Danny Lawrence in an old-fashioned baseball uniform, talking and laughing with a small group of people at the edge of the party, her arm loosely draped around the waist of a pretty, leggy blonde dressed in a set of loose scrubs.

_Dammit!_

She quickly looked towards Carmilla, terrified that she would see the dark-haired girl either irate or closed off, but shocked when she found Carmilla just staring back at her, her own face a mask of concern.

“You okay, cupcake?”

“Yeah, I just… are you… I mean…” Laura floundered, unsure of what to say at that moment.

This was not at all what she needed right now. Things were so absolutely perfect and this little wrench was not something that she had prepared for at all.

“Hey, no, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

Carmilla reached up, running a thumb along her cheek and leaning in to leave a soft kiss on her lips. She watched Carmilla turn towards Danny and looked over, seeing the tall girl now staring back at both of them, her own face showing her obvious shock.

“You should go talk to her.”

“What?” Her head whipped back around so quickly she was fairly certain she may have given herself whiplash. “Why?”

“Because you need to put this to rest, Laura, one way or another.”

“But, Carm, it is rested. I… I told her to go.”

“Yes, you did. But you’re not over this Laura. You miss your friend, I know you do.”

 _Why is she pushing for this?_ Laura thought, staring back at Carmilla, still completely mystified.

“When have I ever said I missed her?”

“You didn’t have to say it.”

“But, Carm, I told you! I chose you. I love you! I don’t want her!”

“Cutie, I know that,” Carmilla said, pulling Laura closer against her, her eyes soft and understanding. “I know you love me and that I’m the one you want. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that you miss your **friend.** You miss someone to talk about those nerdy TV shows with.”

“LaF’s been trying to watch stuff with me,” Laura immediately argued.

“And they make you mad because they pick apart every plotline. You miss your little pizza foursome meet up every week. You’re down to a trio.”

“A trio is fine for pizza. I love spending that time with LaF and Perry while you’re at work.”

“It’s become you third wheeling on a date with them and having no one to share your pizza with because they share one and that leaves you all on your own,” Carmilla pointed out. “You miss having a Scrabble partner during those stupid game nights because you and Lawrence are both huge word dorks.”

“But you’ve been my partner the last few times and you’ve… tried,” Laura trailed off looking slightly guilty and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Give me Pictionary any day of the week and we mop the floor with your friends but Scrabble… well, extensive as my vocabulary is, you know I suck at spelling. You two were the only team that could actually beat the Bobbsey twins.” She set her drink down and ran her thumb from one hand along Laura’s jawline, using the other to gently swipe back and forth across the smaller girls knuckles of the hand she firmly held. “Cupcake, I understand why you cut her out of your life. I know she pushed you too far. And I’m not saying that what she did was right because it wasn’t. But you do miss her. And, even if you don’t want to admit that, you guys didn’t end things right. If you don’t want her back in your life, that’s fine. But you are still upset about what happened, I know that much. It bothers you. I know the blow out you guys had didn’t resolve your feelings towards the situation.” She paused for a moment and Laura searched her girlfriend’s eyes, finding no hesitation or worry there. No, it was all care and concern in those dark orbs and Laura found herself falling even more for Carmilla at that moment. “Look, I’m not telling you that you have to do this. But I really do think you should talk to her. I think it would help. I think it would make you feel better. But it’s completely your choice.”

Laura glanced to her right, seeing Danny still standing there, no longer smiling but now looking nervous as she attempted to continue the conversation with the people around her. Carmilla was right, about all of it. She did miss those things. And she knew LaF and Perry missed their friendship with the tall girl too. That didn’t mean she was ready for Danny to be a part of her life but… that night at the party had been haunting her for months now, along with the yelling match that took place afterward. The way things had ended between them had left her unsettled and hurt. And the way Danny had handled the whole situation like she knew she was wrong but her actions were justified because she knew what was best for Laura… Well, if nothing else, maybe she could just put the matter to rest and move on.

She glanced back at Carmilla, who stood there still staring at her, eyes soft, completely supportive. Still, she wanted to check.

“Carm… are you sure? Because… you matter so much more to me than my feelings about the situation.”

“Go on, Hollis,” she said, leaning in and leaving one last soft kiss against her lips. “I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Laura nodded once, taking in the reassurance of one last squeeze to her hand before letting go and slowly making her way towards the other side of the room. She watched Danny look up, clearly surprised to see her heading that way, the redhead moving to meet her after whispering something in the blonde’s ear.

“Hey,” Laura said, anxiously wringing her hands together when they finally met.

“Hey.” Danny looked down at her feet, hands stuffed in the back pockets of her striped baseball pants. “Nice costume. Lois Lane?”

“It seemed fitting,” Laura shrugged.

“How’d you get her to dress like Clark Kent?” Danny nodded in Carmilla’s direction. “Embarrassing photos?”

“That seems to be the popular opinion but no,” Laura giggled. “She just… she just did.”

“So… you guys are good then, right?” The question itself would have left Laura defensive months ago, but now, the way Danny said it, like she was hopeful, made her smile. She glanced back at Carmilla, seeing the dark-haired girl rolling her eyes at something LaF was saying and smiled harder.

“Yeah. We’re really good.” She turned back to Danny and shrugged. “She um… she asked me to move in with her about a month and a half ago. And of course, I said yes.”

“That’s great, Laura. Really. Congratulations.” She searched Danny’s face for any sort of sarcasm or malice, but it wasn’t there. While the taller girl was still obviously nervous, she also seemed genuinely happy at Laura’s news.

“Thanks, um… I’m surprised to see you here. I didn’t think you’d be attending tonight, considering…”

“Yeah, well… my girlfriend still goes here and a friend of hers told her about the party. We didn’t have any other plans, so we decided to stop by. I… I didn’t think you guys would be here.”

“Mel talked us into it. She and Carm… well, they’ve kind of got this weird friendship thing going on,” Laura giggled.

“Snark vs. snark?”

“Something like that,” Laura said with another laugh. “Um, your girlfriend… is that the blonde over there?”

“Yeah.” Danny’s face lit up as she glanced over her shoulder towards the girl in question. “Betty. We um… we started dating right before I graduated. She’s… she’s really great.”

“That’s good. I’m… I’m happy for you Danny.”

Laura watched the redhead look away and suddenly felt even more nervous. They’d covered the obligatory small talk, she supposed she should just get to the point. But it seemed that Danny was determined to beat her to it.

“Look, Hollis, I don’t know if you came over here to yell at me some more or if you really wanted to talk or you were just on your way to the bathroom and I totally ambushed you but… I just want to say, you were right. I was completely out of line that night. And for all the times before that after you started dating Carmilla. I know that and… I know I can’t fix it. I can’t take it back. But I want you to know that I’m so incredibly sorry. I wish I’d done things differently. I wish… I wish I’d just left it alone.”

Laura nodded, seeing the true remorse in the taller girls eyes but still feeling uneasy about the situation.

“I just… I know you love her. And I knew it then. I knew you were happy. I had no right to try and take that away from you. You were my friend and you didn’t deserve that. I just… I thought I knew what was best for you. But I was wrong. And even though I’m still not a fan of hers, she makes you happy, that’s obvious. As long as she doesn’t hurt you… well, I guess no one else really needs to give you their opinion on it.” She paused for a moment, looking down at her feet, blushing slightly. “Again, I really am sorry. I hope… I hope one day you can accept my apology.” Danny nodded once more, smiling sadly before turning to walk away.

“Wait, um…”

She hadn’t expected that, at all. She was sure Danny probably did miss their friendship but she hadn’t expected an apology, let alone any acknowledgment about her feelings for Carmilla.

Her girlfriend had been right though. She didn’t want to admit it, but she did miss certain things about her friendship with Danny. She was one of the first friends Laura had made at Silas and they’d clicked so easily. Missing that friendship wasn’t enough for her to offer her forgiveness at that moment but… Laura turned back, seeing LaF and Perry watching her carefully and Carmilla smirking at her, the dark-haired girl already knowing that she was right.

Laura wasn’t the only one who’d given Danny up all those months ago. LaF and Perry had lost a friend too, and over something they really had nothing to do with. She hadn’t asked them to choose her side but, was it really fair to keep them on the outs as well?

She looked back to Danny, taking in the surprise on the taller girls face and smiled.

“Why don’t you go say hi to LaF and Perry?”

“I… well… I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Laura. I mean, I’d love to but…”

“It’s fine, Danny. Bring your girlfriend over. I’m sure we’d all like to meet her.”

“Oh. Okay, yeah.” She watched a small smile touch Danny’s lips as she nodded and turned back towards her friends.

Laura smiled once more before turning and walking back to her little group, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist once she reached them, kissing her soundly.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m not sure where this is going to end up but… thanks for making me do that.”

“I merely made a suggestion. You know damn well I can’t make you do anything,” Carmilla smirked, leaning in and kissing her once again.

“Lawrence! Long time,” LaF said from their spot next to her, looking around the group for any sort of cues on how to react to this new development.

“Yeah, I told Danny she should come over and say hi. And introduce us to her girlfriend,” Laura said, smiling at the newly arrived pair, all the while pulling Carmilla closer, her fingers trailing along the older girls lower back.

“Yeah, guys, this is my girlfriend, Betty. Betty, this is LaF, Perry, and Laura. And that’s Carmilla,” she tacked on.

“Nice to meet you all. Danny’s told me a lot about you guys. Or about how you all used to hang out together.”

“Oh yeah, they used to get in all sorts of trouble,” Carmilla teased, apparently attempting to lighten the mood.

 _Or stir the pot,_ Laura thought with a shake of her head.

“We did not, Carmilla,” Perry cut in, the tiniest smile on her face. “Don’t spread lies like that. You have a very good poker face and people will think you’re serious.”

“She’s got a point, honey. I mean, I can count at least a few dozen times that you got caught up in a good song and started getting down on the nearest coffee table.”

“LaFontaine!” The group laughed at Perry’s outrage but LaF had the decency to look chastised. “You have been spending far too much time with Carmilla. You’re becoming incredibly sassy.”

“Sassy? Really, Per?” Laura laughed, tucking her face into Carmilla’s neck and smiling harder when Perry sent her a scathing look.

“Anyway, Betty, it is a pleasure to meet you,” Perry said, turning back to the blonde and offering a pleasant smile. “What brings the two of you out tonight… here… to the Summers house?”

“Per, it’s a party. Half the campus is here,” Laura answered.

“I’m just trying to make polite conversation! You three…” She shot another stern look at LaF, Laura, and Carmilla, the trio unable to keep a straight face as she did. “You three are the reason we can’t make new friends! You’re the reason we can’t find another couple for game night and we’re stuck at six people instead of eight.”

“Hey, that’s a great idea!” LaF chimed in, turning towards Danny and Betty. “Why don’t you two come by for game night sometime? We’re having one in a few weeks after finals are over.”

“Oh, um… I don’t know LaF.” Laura was surprised when Danny’s smile fell and her eyes actually shifted to Carmilla.

“Why not, Xena? Afraid you’ll lose?”

Laura caught the meaning behind those words and couldn’t help but smile, pulling Carmilla closer as she did and leaving a soft kiss just below her ear.

“Why do I find it hot when you get all possessive?” she whispered.

Danny just shook her head, opening her mouth, ready for a scathing comeback when Betty cut her off.

“Oh that sounds like fun! We’ve been looking for more people to do stuff with. What night is it normally on?”

“Wednesday.”

“We’re usually free Wednesday’s so we’ll be there! Just send Danny the info,” Betty said before anyone could argue.

 _Oh boy,_ Laura thought, curious as to how this would work, but honestly not caring as long as Carmilla was by her side.

* * *

**_Present_ **

She shifted on the couch and stared down at her phone, the text typed out and ready to be sent, but hesitated. She’d come into the living room after Carmilla had finished telling her about the Halloween party, wanting a moment to digest everything, including what was currently happening between them.

Carmilla had told her that after that night at the party, Danny had started coming around more and more, slowly and always with Betty as a buffer. She’d continued to apologize to Laura over and over again, despite the fact that Laura kept telling her it wasn’t necessary. Things had slowly gotten more comfortable within their little group, though they never completely went back to the ‘normal’ that once was. It was sad, in a way, but at that moment, that wasn’t what was bothering her. She could accept that Danny was remorseful and had apologized and asked her forgiveness. She could even accept that she had given Danny that forgiveness. But still…

She sighed and stood up, pocketing her phone, the text still unsent, and walked towards the kitchen where Carmilla was working. She rounded the corner, leaning against the wall, frowning as she took in Carmilla hunched over her laptop, back to her, clearly busy. She didn’t want to interrupt, but it was getting late, she was tired, and she honestly just wanted to crawl into bed and hug her pillow to her chest.

“Hey, Carm?”

“Yeah?” Carmilla turned and glanced up from where she was looking over some of the proofs she needed to finalize at the kitchen table, an uneasy expression immediately taking over her features. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just… do you… do you think it would be okay if I had coffee with Danny?” She looked up, her fingers still twisting together.

“Um, sure. Are you going now or… wait, why are you even asking me that?” Carmilla seemed genuinely confused.

“No, not now. I’m exhausted and it’s way too late for caffeine of any sort. I was going to text her and see if she had time to meet me tomorrow afternoon. Like after I got this stupid thing off,” she said, raising her casted arm.

“Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. But again, why are you asking me if it’s alright?”

“I just… I felt like I should.”

“Laura,” she sighed, clearly frustrated. “You don’t need my permission to see her. You wouldn’t ask me this if it was LaF or Perry you were going to see.”

“But Danny’s different. I mean, with the whole past thing…” She trailed off, looking away.

“Cupcake.” She looked up at the sound of the chair scraping against the floor and watched Carmilla rise and step towards her, stopping just a foot away. “She’s not different.”

“But she is! I mean-”

“No, Laura, she’s not,” Carmilla interrupted, carefully taking Laura’s hands in her own and squeezing gently. “Look, I got over that whole thing a long time ago. Long before she came back into our lives. I realized years ago that you weren’t going to choose her over me. And honestly… I don’t think that’s changed even with everything that’s happened.”

“It hasn’t!” Laura blurted out, wanting to reassure the dark-haired girl that she was still the one Laura wanted. “I just… I want to respect you. I want to respect us.”

“Well, I appreciate that, cutie. Really, but you don’t have to ask. I trust you, okay?”

Laura just nodded, feeling Carmilla squeeze her fingers once more before letting go and walking back towards her laptop, apparently done with the conversation.

She stared at Carmilla’s back as she sat, her brow furrowed and finding the frustration rising in her chest once again.

_That is such a load of crap._

Carmilla had been holding her at arm’s length, not letting Laura in, and not being honest with her for a week now. It was obvious something was seriously bothering the older girl. There was something definitely wrong. But what it was… well, Laura could only guess. It was all far too reminiscent of what she’d been told about their past and Carmilla’s behavior early on, and the last thing she wanted to do right now, when she was working so hard to make this right, was to go backward.

All week Laura had been holding back, keeping quiet whenever something would happen and Carmilla would push her away, fearful of hurting the other girl by trying to press the issue. But she was reaching her breaking point.

“I don’t think you do,” she finally said, her voice quiet and sad as she pushed off the wall.

_Or you’ve already reached it and now your mouth is in charge._

She hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that but it was too late. It was out there now.

“What?” Carmilla turned to her, her face seemingly surprised that Laura was even still standing there.

“I don’t think you trust me.”

She watched Carmilla’s eyes widen ever so slightly and felt the burning sensation behind her own as she took a deep breath.

“I mean, maybe you trust that I’m not interested in Danny or… anyone else for that matter. But you don’t trust me with other things. You don’t… you’re holding back, Carmilla. And I don’t know why or how to prove that I’m serious about us, about you. And maybe it’s not fair of me to ask you to trust me right away after everything that’s happened. Maybe I haven’t earned it yet. But…” She looked away for a moment, swallowing hard and fighting back the tears she felt welling up behind her eyes. She looked back, taking in the now shocked look on Carmilla’s face, not wanting to start a fight but unable to hold back. “It hurts, Carmilla. It hurts a lot. And… I mean, if you don’t want this anymore-”

“Laura, I never said-”

“Let me finish,” she said quietly, wiping at one of the stray tears she felt roll down her cheek. “If you don’t want this anymore, you need to tell me. Because… just like it wasn’t fair of me to shut you out or to lead you on, it’s not fair for you to do that to me either.” She looked into Carmilla’s dark eyes, the older girl’s mouth open as though she wanted to say something, her face stricken with sadness. “This isn’t just some silly crush anymore. I have these feelings for you and… I really like you, a lot, Carm. I care about you.” She watched Carmilla’s face fall as she looked away but pressed on. “I know that sounds empty and stupid considering before all of this I was crazy in love with you. And no, I’m not there yet and I’m sorry. But… Carm, it just feels like maybe as my feelings for you get stronger… as I’m starting to fall for you more and more, you’re falling more and more out of love with me.”

Carmilla’s eyes snapped back to her, wide and pleading as she quickly stood and stepped towards the tiny brunette.

“Laura, no, I-”

“I’m not done. I just… I think maybe you should take some time and decide if you really do want this. If you really do want me… as I am now. Because… it really seems like maybe this is it. It really seems like I’m never going to get back what I lost.”

She watched Carmilla’s face completely collapse and as sad as she was, it broke her even more. But this was important. They had to stop holding each other off if they wanted to move forward. They had to be open and honest. And they had to accept the fact that despite how much they both wanted to get back to the old normal, that may never happen.

“If you can’t handle that those memories are gone… well, just think about it I guess,” she said, shrugging and turning away, taking a few steps down the hallway.

“It’s not… it’s not just the missing memories, Laura.”

“Well, then whatever it is, you need to either let me in or you need to let me go.” She saw Carmilla’s eyes shoot to her again, face full of panic and fear. But she couldn’t fix this for the dark-haired girl. Especially if she wouldn’t let her in. “Goodnight, Carmilla.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone and everyone who takes the time to read this. I appreciate you.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	25. I'm Crazy For Trying And Crazy For Crying And I'm Crazy For Loving You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura gets some more answers but Carmilla is an idiot. Can they figure it out and find their way back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

“You okay?” Carmilla asked from the other side of the small examination room, the loud buzzing from the cast saw finally ceasing.

Laura just nodded, her giggling from the tickling sensation finally stopping and Carmilla couldn’t help but smile, Laura’s happiness so contagious.

Carmilla pushed off the wall and stepped closer, watching Laura’s face as the technician popped the fiberglass apart and slowly cut the cotton below it. She’d caught sight of the smaller girl subtly smiling most of that morning and Carmilla knew this was really the final controllable hurdle she had to face in order to heal. On the one hand, she was happy too, hating the fact that Laura was hurt and that this was what she’d had to face for the last seven weeks. On the other hand, if it really was the final hurdle, that meant Laura’s memory really might not be coming back. That this may very well be their life from this point on.

_If you would just get your shit together._

Carmilla could tell immediately that morning that Laura was still upset about the previous night. And she really couldn’t blame her. Carmilla was upset too. But unlike Laura, she was the one holding back this time. She was the one who could control whether or not she let Laura in.

Laura had already been awake and working when Carmilla had gotten up, the tiny brunette sitting in the office for a change, earbuds in, and Carmilla took the hint; she didn’t want to be bothered. And Carmilla wanted to respect that. So instead of spending the morning together, she’d set herself up in the kitchen and worked on some of her own projects into the early afternoon, their only interactions being the brief encounters when Laura came out for another cup of coffee or a snack. It wasn’t until Laura finally ventured out of the office, asking if she was ready to leave for Laura’s final doctor’s appointment that they even said more than good morning.

The car ride there had been incredibly awkward as they struggled to make small talk in between songs on the radio. How was Laura’s writing coming? Fine. How were Carmilla’s proofs shaping out to be? Pretty good. This was really nice weather for almost mid-November, huh? Yes, it was.

It was so incredibly uncomfortable and she hated every second of it. She just wanted to fix this but… how?

Laura giggling once again caught her attention, the sound pulling at her heartstrings and she smiled as Laura beamed down at her newly revealed arm, a little paler than the other, but no worse for the wear and apparently fully healed. She watched Laura slowly wiggle her fingers and attempt to move her wrist around, the joints stiff from weeks of no use.

“How’s that feel?” the technician asked with an overly friendly smile and Carmilla found herself rolling her eyes as the woman’s hand lingered, in her opinion, a little too long on Laura’s wrist.

“So much better! I’m… I’m so happy right now,” Laura answered still beaming.

“Good,” the technician said and Carmilla almost went through the roof when she saw what she thought was a wink.

_Back off. Now._

“Carm?”

She looked over, noticing Laura’s smile had fallen, her brow furrowed together in concern.

“You okay? You look… weird.”

She realized a moment too late that her jaw had tightened, her eyes had narrowed, fists tightly clenched at her sides. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to relax and send the tiny brunette a reassuring smile.

“I’m good, cutie,” she said, stepping up to the bed Laura was sitting on. She glanced down at Laura’s arm, smiling once before looking back up, wanting to reach out but keeping her hands firmly shoved in her pockets. “Looks just as beautiful as it did before you wrapped it in that nasty thing,” she teased.

“I’m seriously so glad it’s off.” Laura glanced back at her arm, shimmying in her seat for a second, the waxy paper below her crinkling in protest, before hopping off the bed, apparently ready to go.

Twenty minutes later, they found themselves in the jeep, Carmilla looking over and smiling at a giddy Laura as she started the ignition and put the car in gear.

“Thanks for bringing me today,” Laura said as they exited the parking lot. Carmilla glanced over, seeing those sweet eyes on her, Laura’s smile soft and sincere, and just nodded.

“Part of the deal, cupcake. We take care of each other, right? We’re there for each other.” It was what they’d always done. It was what you did when you loved someone. She looked over after Laura stayed silent, noticing the sweet smile was gone, her eyes now downcast. “What? What’s wrong?”

Laura just shrugged, turning and looking out her window, her bottom lip pushed out just slightly.

“Hey, seriously. What is it?” she pressed, wondering what the hell had happened in the last thirty seconds to put such a damper on the smaller girl’s mood.

“You won’t let me be there for you,” she answered quietly.

_Fuck._

“Laura, I’m not shutting you out. And I’m not trying to hurt you. I just…” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Laura glance over, a hint of hope in her honey brown eyes. “It’s complicated,” she finally spit out.

_Chicken._

“Fine.” The razor's edge to her voice hit home and Carmilla heard the anger and irritation clear as day.

“Come on, Laura, don’t be like that,” she sighed, her gaze altering between the sulking brunette in the passenger seat and the road.

“I’m not being like anything,” she said, her voice still tight as she turned to stare out the window again.

Carmilla just sighed and turned her attention fully back to the road, aiming the car in the direction of the coffee shop Laura had planned to meet Danny at, arriving there in silence just a few minutes later.

She watched as Laura quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and zipped up her jacket, her motions jerky and frustrated in her haste.

“So… um, do you want me to pick you up later? After you’re done? I’m supposed to meet Kirsch and Mel but I can skip it or… you could come with me,” she suggested as she idled along the curb, her voice hopeful and soft.

“No thanks. I can take care of myself,” Laura answered as she quickly climbed out of the car and shut the door, walking away without so much as a glance back.

_Shit._

* * *

She walked into the café, huffing, and immediately caught sight of Danny in the back corner, sitting alone, holding a mug between her hands, looking out the window as she waited. She shucked her jacket as she made her way towards the table, smiling when Danny finally looked up and waved.

“Hey,” she said, sitting down on the opposite side of the booth and settling in.

“Your arm looks weird,” Danny said, taking a sip from her mug.

“I know. Feels weird too but I am **so** happy that stupid cast is gone. No more awkwardly carrying things around or having to wrap it up every time I shower,” she said, smiling at the server that approached and quickly ordering a white fudge cookie and a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and whipped cream. She needed the pick-me-up. “So… thanks for meeting me today.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem, Hollis. Um…” Suddenly she noticed Danny seemed nervous. “What’s up? Are LaF and Perry on their way? Or is Drusilla just parking the car?”

“No. It’s um… it’s just the two of us today.”

“Oh!” Danny sat back in her seat, her gaze shifting to the table in front of her. “Okay. Sorry, it’s just been a while. We just don’t…”

“Don’t normally meet, just the two of us?”

“Yeah. That.”

“I know. I mean, I’ve been informed. And, I guess I kind of remember that but… well, I needed to talk to just you.”

“Okay…” Danny trailed off, her face even more anxious. “I mean, as long as you’re comfortable.”

“It’s just… I had something I wanted to ask you. And I didn’t want to do it in front of everyone else. I didn’t… I didn’t want to cause a fight.”

“You’re making me really nervous right now.”

Laura thanked the server that brought her order out with a small smile, grabbing onto her steaming mug with both hands, using it to warm the pads of her cold fingers and relishing in the fact that she could now do this again without her cast in the way.

“I’m not trying to make you nervous, but… look, I obviously don’t remember a lot of stuff. You know that. Carm… well, she told me about what happened between you and I. Or at least she told me about the stuff that I can’t remember.” Danny didn’t say anything. She didn’t even blink. “I don’t remember the aftermath, but I do remember what happened at that party. Between you and I.”

“Hollis, it was a long time ago and I know I was wrong, but… I am so sorry. I still feel awful about how I acted. About what I did. I just, I wish I could take it back but-”

“No, Danny, I’m not here because I want you to apologize again. Carm said that you did plenty of that, years ago. And I forgave you.” She watched the sorrowful expression on Danny’s face deepen just the slightest as the redhead nodded. “But what I do want to know… you apologized to me and even to LaF and Perry. You did all this groveling to get us to forgive you but… did you ever apologize to Carmilla?”

Danny’s face registered shock as she looked away, clearly not expecting that question.

 _That’s what I thought._ Laura sighed and leaned back in the booth, hating that her fear from the night before had been confirmed.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I just… I guess, honestly, I never thought about it,” Danny answered. “I mean, I know that’s not a great thing to say but… she wasn’t my friend. She wasn’t the one I wanted forgiveness from.”

“But she mattered to me. And what you did… it hurt her too, you know? It hurt her so much, Danny.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I know. You’re right, I just… Laura losing you, losing LaF and Perry… I was so mad at first. Even though I knew I’d crossed the line that night, I just couldn’t believe that you chose her over me. I mean, we’d been friends for so long and you didn’t even hesitate. It was just done. There was no contest and I felt like… like I didn’t even matter to you, at all. Honestly, it wasn’t until a little later, after I met Betty that I finally got it. She… well, she totally checked my bullshit when I told her about what happened between you and me one night. She made me realize just how wrong I was and how much I’d really hurt you. She made me realize that I was only really thinking about myself through that whole situation. And she was completely right. Afterward, I felt terrible. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to make things right but again, reaching out to you after you’d specifically told me to go and trying to get you to forgive me… well, that would have been just as selfish. So I didn’t. When I saw you that night at the Halloween party… when you approached me, I wasn’t even sure if I should apologize then but I took a chance. I didn’t think you’d actually forgive me but… I just couldn’t help it.”

“I get that Danny. I mean, I hate thinking about losing someone I really care about and not being able to even tell them that I’m sorry for messing something up. It’s… it’s terrible. And don’t get me wrong, I **do** forgive you. I accept your apology. But… but I still don’t get why you wouldn’t apologize to Carm. Even just once. I mean, how many times have you apologized to me?”

“Too many to count,” Danny mumbled.

“And what about LaF and Perry?”

“So many times.”

“Did you know Carm was the one that convinced me to even talk to you in the first place that night?” Laura desperately asked.

“LaF told me later,” she said, still avoiding Laura’s eyes and looking even more ashamed. Laura stayed quiet for a minute, watching carefully and waiting patiently for something more as she watched Danny open and close her mouth a few times. “Look, I know I owe her an apology too. You’re right. I just… that night at the party… even though I was happy for you because you were in a good place, I still didn’t like her.”

“So what happened? I mean, you hated her and now… obviously, you guys aren’t best friends or anything like that, but… I got the feeling after I imploded and nearly got LaF and Perry in trouble with their homeowner’s association that you actually want me to be with her. That you might even think she’s not so terrible.”

“Hollis… she’s a pain the ass. She’s sarcastic and cocky and arrogant. She’s irritating and annoying and moody. But I want you to be happy. And for some reason, she makes you **so** happy.” Danny trailed off, playing with the napkin in front of her, tearing little pieces off.

Once again, Laura waited, this moment seeming like it mattered. Like it was important. Finally, Danny looked up, sighed long and hard, and met her eyes, her face serious but sad.

“Laur, after the accident, Perry called me while you were still in surgery. Carmilla was on her way back already but Perry and LaF were worried… worried that you wouldn’t make it. And they were worried, if you didn’t, that she wouldn’t get there in time. It was so scary for them, for me, for Mel, for Kirsch. Mel and Charlotte were on vacation, remember? And they tried to get a flight back but everything was booked. And Sherman was a mess, calling constantly while he was at the airport trying to get a flight out. But Kirsch and I, we got there not long after they settled you in your room. We… we saw Carmilla after she saw you for the first time. Laura… I’ve never seen her look like that. I’ve never seen **anyone** look like that.”

“Like what?” she asked, her voice soft.

“Broken. Destroyed. She was a mess. I’d never even seen her cry before and she stood there in the corner and just sobbed.” Danny frowned, glancing away for a moment before meeting Laura’s desperate eyes again. “I knew she loved you before that. But seeing her at that moment… seeing how she stayed by your side for a week after, holding your hand and talking to you. Brushing her fingers through your hair. Sleeping in that damn tiny ass chair for maybe thirty minutes a night, too scared to leave your side. Laura, you’re her world. And when you woke up and you didn’t recognize her, she lost that. She lost everything. I honestly didn’t know what she’d do. But I’ve watched her over these last few weeks and… you know, I try to think about what I would do if I was her. What I would do if Betty woke up and didn’t know who I was. I’ve tried, over and over and… I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt. Laura, she’s been so patient with you and she’s stood by your side for every step. She… what she’s done, I admire her so much now. I respect her so much.”

Laura swallowed hard, knowing damn well just how much Carmilla had done, how much she’d sacrificed. It was more than Laura would ever be able to pay her back for, she knew that much. And she’d done it all, no strings attached. Even if it was implied that they’d eventually be together again, there was no guarantee. And, unfortunately, she was starting to realize that non-guarantee went both ways. Carmilla could write her off at any time, unwilling to continue with this charade any longer. It could happen. Especially if Carmilla was falling out of love with her.

“Laura, she and I are never going to be best friends. But the two of you… you belong together. **She deserves you.** I didn’t realize that until all of this happened. I didn’t believe it. Even though I knew you guys loved each other, I’ve always wanted the best for you, Hollis. And I didn’t realize it until recently but… she’s… she’s it.”

“I’m worried I’m losing her,” Laura said softly, looking away as she felt the tears well up in her eyes. “I’m worried… even though she’s trying to win me back, I’m worried that I can’t win her because… she was in love with this other girl and… what if I’m not that girl anymore? What if she doesn’t want **me**?”

“Hollis, that’s crazy. That girl would do anything for you. Just because you’re missing some time in the old memory bank, that hasn’t changed who you are. You’re still you. And Carmilla loves **you**.”

Laura wanted to believe that. She really did. But…

“I don’t know, Danny. I just… something’s going on and she won’t tell me what. She won’t let me in. She… she doesn’t trust me enough.”

“Does she know where you are right now?”

“Yes,” she answered, her face confused as to what that had to do with anything.

“Does she know that you’re alone with me?”

“Of course. She dropped me off.”

“She trusts you, Laura. Granted it’s been a few years but before our big fight, this would be a very different conversation.”

“But that’s exactly it. That was years ago!”

“It was. And yet here we are, talking about it. Besides, if things really are different between the two of you, shouldn’t it bother her? Knowing that you aren’t in the same position as you were a few months ago and yet here you are, with me, alone?”

“She… she said it didn’t matter. She said… she said she trusted me.”

“And she does, Hollis. This is just… as new and different as this is for you, it’s different for her too. Cut her some slack.”

Laura turned away, unsure of what else to say. She wanted to believe that Carmilla wasn’t going to leave her side but something was wrong. Something was holding her back. Doubt. Worry. Fear. She saw it every time she got too close, the dark-haired girl’s eyes always a dead giveaway. There was only so much she could do to alleviate those feelings but if she couldn’t get Carmilla to give her a shot, there was no chance they’d ever find their way back to each other. And that thought absolutely broke her heart.

* * *

She stared up into the dark, night sky, letting the breeze gently blow through her hair, the slight chill leaving her pale cheeks tinged pink and rosy. It had been such a long, exhausting day and she knew she couldn’t keep this up. She knew she had to move forward or she might lose Laura completely. She knew she had to bite the bullet and just tell her the truth, no matter how crazy it might seem.

She’d been naïve, she knew that. Thinking that once things got started between them, that once Laura admitted her feelings, that things would be fine. That things would go back to normal. But what was normal? In the grand scheme of things, did it really matter if Laura got her memory back? It sucked, losing all that time, sure. But if they were going to make new memories anyway… if Laura really was committed to being with her and staying in this relationship, should she really continue to hold herself back and feel guilty about something that she really had no control over? Should she really feel like she was betraying her Laura just because she was scared what they were building might be different?

 _It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all if it means you’re going to lose her. If it means you’re going to be the reason she walks away._ She heard the patio door slowly open behind her and swallowed hard. _Now or never._

She turned, leaning back against the railing and taking in the sight of Laura standing there, hugging her arms around herself to ward off the chilly breeze, her face a mask of confusion.

“What’re you doing out here?” she asked.

“Nothing, just… thinking.”

Laura just nodded, her eyes immediately closing off, and turned to walk back inside.

“No, Laura… wait. Please.”

“What for?” She saw the defeat in Laura’s face and hated that she was the reason it was there. “Carmilla, it’s late and I’m tired. I just… I just want to go to bed. I’m not really in the mood to try and guess what’s on your mind only to have you shut down on me.”

And with that she turned and walked inside, closing the door behind her.

_Goddamnit._

* * *

**_A Few Hours Earlier_ **

Carmilla gazed out the window, her mood solemn and grim. Even the gorgeous sunshine shimmering through the double glass as it descended for the day wasn’t enough to lift her spirits even the tiniest bit. She just kept seeing Laura’s angry face as she’d stormed off to meet Danny at the coffee shop. The tiny brunette was hurting and Carmilla knew it was all her fault, but she just couldn’t seem to help herself. She couldn’t crack open that door and let Laura in.

“Bro!” She turned, seeing Kirsch and Mel staring back at her expectantly from the other side of the booth, and realized she’d been zoned out for at least a few minutes if their half-empty plates compared to her full one were any indication.

“Sorry, what?” She turned in her seat, pressing her back against the cool glass and pulling a knee up into the booth.

“We were talking about tomorrow night. Brostein is finally bringing by his lady friend to meet everyone.” Mel paused for a moment, her eyes still curious. “You and Hollis **are** coming, aren’t you? You’re not going to bail and leave me alone to deal with him and Lawrence throwing down in the middle of the LaFerry’s living room over charades again, right?”

“That only happened once, dude. Let it go.”

“Once over charades, yes. But what about all those other nights where fits got thrown, along with game boards and pieces because combined, the two of you have the maturity level of a six-year-old?”

Kirsch just shrugged, going back to work on his double cheeseburger and making a mess in the process, mustard smearing across his cheek. Mel cringed before turning back to Carmilla expectantly, eyebrows raised.

“Oh. Yeah, we’ll be there. At least, that’s the plan.” She shrugged and grabbed for her fork, playing with the tines but making no attempt to actually eat anything she’d ordered, the knot in her stomach making her slightly nauseous.

“Dude, are you guys still not like… together?” His question was muffled around the food stuffed in his mouth but Carmilla still caught it.

“No, we’re together. Kind of. I mean, we’re still doing the dating thing.”

“But…?”

“Yeah, what’s going on? I thought you guys were doing good,” Mel said as she slapped Kirsch’s hand away from her fries.

“It’s nothing. It’s just… it’s complicated,” Carmilla answered, starting across the noisy diner without really focusing on anything.

“Well, no kidding, hottie. I mean, you guys are like basically starting over from scratch… but not.”

“Always so eloquent,” Mel said with a sigh.

“I don’t know. It’s just… she’s trying so hard. And I’m really grateful for that. She’s doing so good and she’s… she’s so fucking amazing. But now that we’re actually starting to get somewhere, it’s like…” She trailed off, shaking her head.

_You sound like a lunatic._

“It’s like what?”

She looked across the table at the pair, wondering if she really wanted to delve into this right now. She was still having trouble wrapping her own head around her neurosis. How was she supposed to explain it to a giant puppy and the admiral of the fleet?

“Come on, Cruella de Vil. Spit it out.”

_Shit._

She knew it wasn’t going to make any sense to either of them but maybe if she actually talked about it… said it out loud, maybe she could start making heads or tails out of it. After all, she wasn’t getting anywhere trying to work through it in her own in her head.

“Is it… is it weird that I feel like I’m cheating on Laura… with Laura?”

She watched Mel’s brow furrow in confusion as Kirsch’s mouth fell open, his eyes blank.

_Yep. That’s it. That’s the reaction I was going for._

“Nevermind,” she sighed, looking away again.

“Dude, what?”

“Yeah, I’m with the beef parade. What the hell are you talking about, Karnstein?”

“Dammit. Look, I just… I know it sounds crazy. I mean, it **is** crazy. And I know… she’s still Laura but…” Carmilla trailed off, suddenly feeling like she was the worst fiancée in the entire world.

 _Except you’re not really her fiancée anymore, are you?_ she thought, the reminder of that currently sitting in her pocket, just as it had been since the nurse had handed her the white gold band almost two months ago at the hospital.

She looked up, seeing her two friends still staring back at her, their faces even more confused.

“Nevermind,” she sighed again. “Just forget it.”

“How can you be cheating on your girl when you’re still with her?” Kirsch asked, scratching at the back of his head.

“Because… she doesn’t remember anything.”

“We established that when she woke up in the hospital. How is this news to you?” Mel pushed.

“No, I’m not saying that. I know she doesn’t remember anything and… honestly, if she never remembers, I’m not going to lie. It’ll suck. But it’s not something she can help and… what I’m saying is… like we’re trying to be together, but we’re starting over. Like, I keep thinking how much I miss her but… she’s right there! She’s there looking back at me all perfect and amazing and beautiful and… it’s Laura but it’s not Laura and… I just…” She sighed, running a frustrated hand across her face and looking away, a deep growl echoing in her chest. “I just feel so goddamn guilty!”

“Okay, you’re totally talking in circles and making absolutely no sense, Carm. What’s really the problem? Spit it out.”

“Just… just… fuck. I know she doesn’t remember and that she may never get those years back. And that’s… I mean it’s not ideal, but it’s okay. We can just figure out how to get back to where we were. But… what if we go through all of this and… it’s different? What if we’re different? What if we **can’t** get back to where we were?”

“Different like how?”

“Like, what if, even if we stay together… what if what we had or what I know of as us… what if everything we make from now on is changed? What if it’s like a whole new relationship?”

“Well, things might be different, yeah. But is that really going to keep you away from her?”

“I guess… I feel like it should. I was in love with this girl and then she lost what was us and now… now I’m the only one who really knows what we had. And now I’m ‘dating’ this girl who is trying to figure it all out. And it’s all new and exciting to her and… I’m just worried that it’ll never be the same. And even if we stay together, how can I not feel guilty about that? How can I not feel like I’m betraying my first Laura?”

“Are you sleeping with someone else? Do you have another side-piece right now?” Mel asked, smirking as she did.

“What?! No, and fuck you for saying that!”

“Then you aren’t cheating on Hollis. Yeah, it might not be the same because you guys are starting over and **you’ve** already done this but, has she changed? Has she become some other person that you no longer recognize?”

“No, but still.” Carmilla leaned forward onto the table, blowing out another frustrated breath. “I know that it doesn’t make any sense. I get that. But I just can’t help it. I mean, I look at her and… she’s my Laura. But then at the same time… she’s not.”

“She’s not two different people though, bro. Just because she doesn’t remember doesn’t mean she’s not still your Laura,” Kirsch argued, mouth still full of the burger he’d just shoveled into it. “If she never remembers, she’s still your Laura. She made that choice when she decided to try to be with you again.”

“Man-child’s got a point. She hasn’t a damn clue what’s happened over the last seven years between the two of you beyond what you’ve told her, but she still picked you. If you keep this up, you’re just going to push her away.”

“I don’t want to do that. But I just… I can’t help it. I can’t stop. Every time she reaches for me or kisses me, I feel my heart stopping in my chest because I’ve missed her so much. But then I think about the fact that this is all so foreign and new to her and… at that moment, it’s new to me too because we’re in different spots and then… she’s not my Laura anymore. And it’s a vicious fucking cycle that I can’t get myself out of!” She threw her fork down in frustration, the utensil clattering loudly against the table and turning a few heads in their direction.

“Have you talked to **her** about this?”

“No! She’s had enough pressure on her lately, I’m not throwing this on the pile. Besides, how in the hell am I supposed to talk to her about **this**? I sound absolutely insane. What am I supposed to say to her?”

“The truth?” Kirsch suggested as he finished shoving the last of his fries into his mouth and pushed his empty plate away. “I mean, you want to be honest with her, don’t you?”

“Dude-bro’s making a lot of sense today, Karnstein.” Mel shrugged and sat back, apparently taking up the role of spectator for this conversation.

_Great, so I have to exclusively speak Kirsch for the rest of this?_

“Of course I want to be honest with her,” she finally said. “But this… this is just…”

“It’s a little out there, yeah, but it’s not totally crazy. I mean, she’s still her, absolutely. But those missing years do make the situation a little… well, different, I guess. But that doesn't mean that little nerdy hottie is actually different. Just because she hasn’t learned all the little things about you that she spent years before learning doesn’t make her any less Hollis-y. She just… she needs some time to relearn all that stuff.”

Carmilla turned to Mel who just shrugged and continued to smile.

“I mean, think of it like this, bro. She had to learn all that stuff before. And it was all stuff that made her love you. So far, everything she’s learned, she’s liked, right? Even the annoying stuff like the moods and the super snarkiness, right?”

“Hey!”

“No, I’m not… I’m just saying that… I mean… well, maybe…” He frantically turned to Mel for help, making the other girl chuckle as she leaned forward onto the table.

“I think what he’s trying to say is that Hollis is still totally and completely enraptured by you, just like the first time around,” she finally added. “She’s still got it just as bad for you this time as she did way back then, all those years ago, when she first started to fall for you. She’s still… she’s still nerdy little Laura Hollis who’s crazy about you.”

“Yeah, that! That’s what I was saying,” Kirsch nodded eagerly and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle when Mel threw her straw wrapper at him.

“And even if things don’t progress exactly the same this time around and your relationship **is** different, that doesn’t mean the two of you are different. And honestly, change isn’t always bad.”

“But accepting that doesn’t help me not feel like any less of a dick. I still feel like old Laura just got shelved and I went off to play with a new toy,” Carmilla grumbled.

“It’s the same toy! Come on, Carmilla. You’re not doing anything wrong. She’s still her and you’re still you. And you both still want each other. You’ll figure it out.” Mel argued, effectively ending any further rebuttals Carmilla could throw out.

They both had a point, she knew that. But in all honesty, the only person whose opinion really mattered was Laura’s. And she needed to talk to her.

* * *

**_Present_ **

She heard the door being pulled open behind her, the temperature of the room dropping ever so slightly, and Carmilla’s boots echoing against the floor as she quickly followed.

“Laura, wait, it’s… I’m sorry. It’s not you. I just…” she trailed off and Laura turned around, taking in the desperation on Carmilla’s face, her eyes intense.

“Carmilla, this is getting ridiculous! Look, I get it. You don’t want me anymore, I know. With the memories gone, I’m not yours anymore. I’m not the girl you loved.” Her tone was angry but it was all a farce. It killed her to think that that might actually be true. And despite how crushing it was to say it aloud, she held back the tears in her eyes, knowing it was just easier to keep a straight face. It was easier than making Carmilla feel guilty for something neither of them could really control and drag this out even more.

“Laura, no! That’s not it at all. I **do** want you. And I hate that I’ve made you think that. Think that I don’t want you or us. Because I really **really** fucking do, okay?”

“Carmilla… you don’t. You want some girl that I apparently no longer resemble. I mean, I do resemble her, obviously, because she’s me but… you see something different in me. And I don’t know what it is but clearly, it’s enough for you to be second-guessing this relationship.”

“I’m not second-guessing anything, Laura. I just…” Carmilla sighed again and Laura almost walked away. She was so sick of Carmilla stepping so close to the edge but refusing to look down. But something in Carmilla’s eyes, the vulnerability there, held her in place, waiting as patiently as could. “Laura, I want you. I do. I… I love you so much, cupcake. You are the most important person in the world to me. **You.** The girl standing in front of me right now. I love you just as much now as I did when you stood here a couple of months ago, smiling at me and telling me you were going to miss me while we were apart.”

She couldn’t stop the few tears that escaped at the admission because the way Carmilla said it left absolutely no doubt that she was being honest.

“Are you sure?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, cutie, I’m positive. I just…”

“Am I trying to move too fast? Should I… do you want me to… I don’t know, keep my hands to myself?”

“Laura, I want you to be comfortable. I want you to be happy. I just… I have some things **I** need to deal with.”

“Carm,” she sighed in defeat.

She watched Carmilla look away, her frown even deeper than before. She’d asked Carmilla to let her in. Begged her not to shut down and shut her out. But if the other girl didn’t want to… what could she do?

“Okay, fine. You… you do that.” She watched Carmilla’s eyes immediately meet hers again and shrugged. “Goodnight, Carmilla.”

“Laura, stop.” She turned back, frustrated, taking in Carmilla’s sorrowful expression but silently stood firm. “I just… I feel like… like I’m doing the wrong thing here.”

“By shutting me out, yes, I would agree,” she snapped.

“No, not that. I mean, yes that but… Laura, this isn’t about you not remembering or me not wanting this. Not wanting you. Because I do, Laura. So goddamn much. But I just…”

Laura watched as Carmilla trailed off and looked away, her face painted with an expression Laura couldn’t quite make out.

“Carmilla, I can’t read your mind. I don’t know what’s going on in that brain of yours and… I can’t help if you don’t tell me. I need… I need you to talk to me. Please!”

She watched Carmilla slowly look up at her, her eyes so sad that it made Laura’s chest ache.

“I just… I feel **so** guilty,” she finally answered after a long minute of silence. “I feel like… like I’m betraying you. Like I’m being unfaithful because… well, I’m starting this whole new thing when just a few months ago I had a fiancée and we’d built this whole life together.”

“Carm, how can you even think like that? You aren’t doing anything wrong.”

“But I am. Because… fuck I miss you so much, cupcake. And it’s you, but at the same time, it’s not. And what if… what if we’re not…what if it’s never… I mean, if it’s not the same…”

Laura took in the defeated expression crossing over Carmilla’s features and suddenly it clicked.

“You’re worried it’ll be different. That we’ll be different.”

“I know that’s stupid to be scared of. I mean, relationships change all the time, right? And it’s not always bad. It might even make us better but… by doing that, by being with you now… how can I not feel like I’m betraying the girl I’ve spent the last seven years making this great life with?”

“Carm, no,” she said, the anger completely leaving her small frame as she quickly stepped back towards the dark-haired girl, stopping just a few feet away. “I mean… how would you feel if our positions were reversed? Would you feel like I was cheating on you?”

“No, that’s… look, I know it’s crazy and it doesn’t make any sense. But…”

“Carm, I’m still me. I know I can’t remember everything about the amazing life we built together. And I hate that. I really do. But… I’m still the same girl, okay? I still put my foot in my mouth all the time and ask too many questions and make stupid jokes. I’m still super stubborn and eat way too many cookies and sweets and love dorky pop culture stuff. I’m still me, Carm. And… no, I can’t make those statements about our relationship because I can’t remember but… Carm, **you know us**. I… I love being around you, whether we’re out doing something or sitting here, just together, talking. I love listening to you talk about the book you’re reading or how your day went or you teasing me about whatever. I love watching you, whether you’re working or doing nothing. I love feeling you beside me and hugging you and kissing you and… Carm, didn’t the old me love all those things too? Didn’t the old me feel the same way?”

“Laura, yes, you’re still you. I’ve spent hours watching you over these last few weeks, looking for anything that might be different. And I haven’t found a damn thing. But even if we’re the same people, that doesn’t mean we’ll have the same relationship.”

Rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet and fidgeting, she looked up into those sorrowful dark eyes, hated that Carmilla had been holding on to this alone, and wanting to fix it immediately.

“You’re right, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t mean that we can’t be crazy in love. It doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. That we can’t make this work. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong by following your heart.” She watched Carmilla stare down at her feet again, those dark eyes filled with grief. “I’m so sorry you’re in this position, Carm. If I could do anything to fix it and go back, I would. But… but I can’t. So… I mean… we’re both still here, you and I and… dammit, Carm, I didn’t die!” She instantly regretted it when Carmilla flinched hard against her words, and unable to help herself, stepped closer, immediately wanting to comfort her but not wanting to overstep. “I’m sorry, I just… I mean, I’m still here. I’m still beside you. I might not know everything about you and I might still have to ask what your favorite things are and I might not know how you like to sleep next to me or how you like to be kissed. I might not know how you want to spend our anniversary or be able to read your mind every time you give me a certain look. But if you give me a chance, I’ll get there. I’ll learn all those things.” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and one final step closer. “I’m still me, Carm. I’m still me and I’m still here. And… and I’m still yours. I’m still **your** Laura. That hasn’t changed and it never will.”

They stood there in silence, Laura watching, searching every inch of Carmilla’s face, hoping that something, anything she’d said had finally broken through.

“I just…” She watched Carmilla finally look up at her, a few soft tears already flowing down the older girl’s cheeks. “I miss you so much and you’re right here. It’s just… I almost lost you already. And in a way, I kind of still have. I mean, what we’re building here might be completely different and then…”

“Carm, you can’t be afraid of that. Yes, there may be some differences, sure. I mean, we’re in a completely different place than we were seven years ago. Yes, you already know how you feel and I’m desperately trying to play catch-up. But more than that, we aren’t twenty anymore. We’ve grown up. So yes, us coming together this time might not be the same as it was all those years ago. But that doesn’t mean that you’ve lost me. People change. Relationships change. It happens. It doesn’t mean that what we had isn’t important. And it doesn’t mean that what we’re building now is less valid. You love me. And I know that. And… no, I’m not quite there but dammit, Carm, I am crazy about you.”

She swallowed hard, hoping against hope that Carmilla wouldn’t reject her as she slowly reached for the dark-haired girl, grabbing onto her elbows and running her thumbs back and forth, smiling softly at the quiet sigh Carmilla released as she did so.

“Look, **I** don’t think you’re being unfaithful. I don’t think you’re doing the wrong thing. And if I could go back in time and write a message from my old self for you, it would say the same. It would say that you’re incredible and amazing and that I would want this to work between us.”

“If you could do that you could just remind yourself not to be at that intersection on the day of the accident and make everything a whole lot easier.”

Laura giggled softly at Carmilla’s attempt at a joke, even as the tears continued to slide down the older girls face.

“You’re right. But then we wouldn’t have this super fun adventure to face together and… we might just be sitting on the couch, snuggled up and watching Netflix right now.”

“Yeah, because that that would be so terribly boring,” Carmilla deadpanned, making Laura giggle again. She reached up and gently brushed a few of the tears away, smiling when Carmilla leaned into her touch. Taking advantage of the moment she leaned in, pressing a kiss against her forehead, letting her lips linger just a moment longer before meeting Carmilla’s eyes again.

“I don’t think you’re being unfaithful, Carm. I understand why you feel that way but I’m telling you right now, you don’t have to. I don’t want you to. You have been nothing short of amazing to me and you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“Except hiding this from you.”

“Well, yeah that part’s not so great but… I forgive you. But… why have you been holding this back? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s crazy, Laura. It makes no sense and I know that but… also, there was a part of me that didn’t want to pressure you. I was afraid it would scare you, thinking about the future.”

“Carm…” she giggled, unable to help herself. “We already live together and I know how much you love me. And I know where this is heading. I think we both know the stakes.”

She watched Carmilla simply nod, her own hands hesitantly reaching up and wrapping around Laura’s forearms, fingertips gently moving back and forth causing Laura to laugh.

“What?” Carmilla asked as her fingers ghosted over Laura’s newly exposed forearm again.

“It still kind of tickles.”

“Come here, cutie,” Carmilla said as she pulled her in, wrapping her in her arms and squeezing once. Laura buried her face in the dark-haired girl’s neck, inhaling deeply before letting the tension that had been flowing through her body go, relaxing into the hug. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Laura.”

“It’s okay. I know,” she said, leaving a soft kiss at the juncture between Carmilla’s neck and shoulder.

“I think… I think this fear was always there but I thought that… it’s so stupid, but I thought maybe after we kissed, things would be better. That everything would just be as it was.”

“As flattering as that is, I’m not Sleeping Beauty, Carm,” Laura giggled, kissing Carmilla’s cheek softly. She let the silence of the room envelope them for a long minute as they stood in each other’s arms, so safe at that moment. “We’ll get there, Carm. We’ll be okay. You have to trust that.”

She felt Carmilla nod and pulled back just a hair so she could see her eyes, still tinged red but the tears no longer flowing. She smiled at the beautiful girl in her arms and squeezed once.

“After all, you should trust your girlfriend, right?”

“Girlfriend?”

“I mean, we’re already living together. Don’t you think it’s time you put a label on it?”

“I’ve always rejected labels,” Carmilla answered petulantly. “But for you, I’ve always found that I’m more than willing to make exceptions.”

“Good,” Laura smiled. “Because I’m sick of describing you as ‘the girl I’m dating.’”

“It’s been a week, cutie,” Carmilla said, her lips finally turning up at the corners as she chuckled.

“Seriously? Come on, with all the adorable stories you’ve told me about our past together and the past six weeks that we’ve spent here together, not to mention the week in the hospital, when you were never more than ten feet away, I don’t think we’re rushing into anything.”

“You do have a point there, cupcake,” Carmilla said, smiling softly and pressing their foreheads together.

“I love when you agree with me,” Laura said as she slowly leaned in and pressed their lips together. And to her delight, Carmilla didn’t pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thank you to everyone for the well-wishes and thoughts of good tidings from the last update. I appreciate them and I want to redirect them back at all of you because you guys are awesome. This fandom is incredible and one of the things I still enjoy in life.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this installment. Please let me know what you thought because I love hearing what you get from these updates, good, bad, or indifferent.
> 
> Also, I'm putting out a call to action for all you artists. I so badly want to see someone render the Hollstein Superman costumes from the last chapter. So if anyone is interested...
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	26. You Taste Just Right, Sweet Like Tennessee Honey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they've finally talked and things are moving in the right direction, right? So, what happens next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

“Ugh. I am complete and absolutely exhausted,” Laura whined into the empty space as she dropped her things at the edge of the room and kicked off her shoes and coat, sagging against the door once she was freed.

“Well, then welcome home, cupcake,” Carmilla called with a chuckle from the other room.

Laura smiled at the sound and the fact that her stomach did a little dance, and followed the voice towards the living room, leaning against the corner of the wall to peak in and smiling even harder when she saw Carmilla sitting there in the middle of the couch, book in hand, smiling back at her.

“Hey,” she said shyly.

“Rough day, cutie?”

“I think my eyes went crossed about three hours ago.” Carmilla just chuckled again and set her book to the side before patting the space on the couch next to her.

 _She’s really trying,_ she thought as she pushed herself off the wall and slowly made her way over to the sofa. Sitting down, she smiled when Carmilla immediately wrapped one arm around her shoulders and reached for her left hand with the other. Laura releasing a sigh at the comfortable feeling of being in Carmilla’s arms and scooted in closer, squeezing Carmilla’s hand once before letting go and wrapping her arm around Carmilla’s torso.

“How’s it feeling today?” Carmilla asked, nodding down at the arm crossing over her stomach.

“It’s a little stiff. And the skin is still more sensitive. But it’s a million times better than that stupid cast,” she answered, flexing it just the slightest. “How was your day? You were still totally out when I left this morning.”

“I apparently had some sleep to catch up on. But I did get your note,” she said as she gently traced her fingertips along the back of Laura’s forearm, her eyes never leaving Laura’s face.

She’d had a lot of work to catch up on, and knowing she’d only be distracted at the house, she’d gotten up, gotten ready, and headed out towards one of the quieter cafés off the beaten path she frequented when she was nearing a deadline. She’d looked in on Carmilla before she left, noticing just how peaceful the dark-haired girl looked, curled up on her side, and decided to leave her a note instead of waking her.

_Carm,_

_I’m going to work out of the house today so I can actually get some stuff done. Hope you have a great day._

_I’ll miss you._

_Laura_

She wasn’t sure if she should say more after the night before and Carmilla’s admission of what was really bothering her, but she didn’t want to push it. After all, Carmilla really had opened up to her and when they’d said goodnight, it had been with a long hug, a soft kiss, and a promise from Carmilla that she was going to try harder.

It was just after eleven that morning, Laura on her third cup of coffee, when she’d gotten a text from a recently awoken Carmilla and she knew she’d chosen the right note to leave.

 **Carm (11:14am):** I’ll miss you too, cupcake. Kind of already do.

She’d found herself unable to stop smiling for the next few hours, finding herself believing for the first time in days that they really might be okay.

Laura smiled up at the older girl, squeezing her once as she laid her head on Carmilla’s shoulder, her proximity so incredibly comforting.

“Well, you definitely deserved the extra hours,” she said with a giggle. “You probably still need about two more weeks to fully catch up though.”

“I’ll suffer through,” she said with a shrug, jostling Laura’s head just the tiniest bit as she did. “So what time do we have to be over to the ginger twins?”

“We still have like an hour. Plenty of time.”

“Plenty of time for what, cutie?”

“Nothing in particular,” she said, running her fingertips along Carmilla’s side. “Just… being here. Together.”

She paused, the silence surrounding them stretching out a little too long for her liking and worried she may have been trying to force too much too fast. Of course, Carmilla had promised she’d stop holding back but even if she opened up to Laura, that might not mean she was ready to head on in, charging at full speed. Laura wanted to be cognizant of that and make sure she kept up the right tempo.

“I mean… unless you had something else to do, obviously,” she tacked on, her voice betraying the hint of nervousness she felt.

“Hmm… sitting here with you for the next hour, curled up together without any drama? Oh, that sounds like a terrible idea, cupcake,” Carmilla droned, propping her feet up in front of her and lounging further back into the sofa, pulling Laura closer as she did. Laura just sighed happily and snuggled in, smiling as she turned her face in towards the dark-haired girl’s neck, inhaling the scent that was uniquely her, and finding everything about the moment so wonderfully safe and comfortable.

_Perfect._

* * *

Laura looked around her from her spot leaning against the doorway between the living room and kitchen, taking in the moment with a soft smile. Game night at LaF and Perry’s had been a tradition for years now and it was nice that this was something she hadn’t lost. Some of the memories were a little fuzzier than others but she guessed those were the nights where Carmilla was a bigger force. And that was something she was learning to handle fairly well, despite the obvious drawbacks.

This whole picking and choosing memories all willy-nilly was annoying at first. She had no idea what she may or may not be missing, but she was finding it easier and easier as the days went on to roll with the punches. Plus, it was always a little bit exciting to remember something specific that she could share with her girlfriend or even with her friends. It made her feel less helpless and like she really could conquer this whole missing seven years fiasco.

Laughter and warmth filled the open space around her, making her feel lighter and happy. Mel and Danny were across the room, going over the stats and strategies for their upcoming softball game. Kirsch was grazing over the fancy snack table that been assembled in the dining room, his mouth already full as he attempted to shove another handful of homemade pretzel bites into it while debating with Charlotte and Betty over the merits of carb front loading, both sipping from their wine glasses and looking as though they really didn’t care. In the kitchen, Perry was flittering about, playing hostess and trying to make SJ feel as welcome as possible on her first night with the gang. And back in the living room on the wall opposite her, she giggled at the sight of LaF desperately trying to prove a point, eyes wide, hands wild to Carmilla, who just looked bored and uninterested. So bored and uninterested that Laura wondered if she’d end up just walking away, leaving LaF in mid-sentence and pretending like it was perfectly socially acceptable.

The thought made her giggle quietly, apparently catching the dark-haired girl’s attention as she glanced up in her direction, smirking softly as she did. Laura just smiled harder, their eyes staying locked on each other’s for a long moment, Laura only breaking with another giggle when Carmilla wiggled her perfect eyebrows at her. She sent the girl one more smile before moving into the kitchen and towards Perry.

“You need any help?” she asked, leaning her hip against the counter.

“No, everything’s fine, dear,” she answered with a genuine smile. “I just have to finish this last batch of spinach and mushroom quiches and then we’re all set.”

“Keep those away from, Carm.”

“Oh, no I made the potato and bacon ones she likes too,” Perry reassured her.

“She’ll be grateful for that. Those are her favorite of the ones you make.”

“Um, yes. Yes, they are,” Perry agreed, her eyebrow cocking just so as she did.

“We’ve certainly come a long way from bags of chips and popcorn, huh?” Laura joked.

“Well, I wanted to make tonight extra special. I wanted to make sure SJ felt welcome,” she said, shaking off whatever had spooked her a second earlier and shooting the newcomer a polite smile. “Plus… well, it’s a big night for you too, sweetie. We’re all just… we’re so happy you’re here and doing so well.”

Laura watched Perry’s smile falling ever so slightly but her eyes shining, grateful. She knew she was lucky. She’d known that since she’d woken up in the hospital. The accident could’ve been so much worse but, despite a few broken bones and the gaping hole in her memory, she’d walked away pretty much unscathed. Honestly, she hadn’t really put a lot of thought into just how scared her friends and family where while they waited for her to wake up. After all, she wasn’t even aware of anything during those eight days. Once she’d woken up, she obviously got a glimpse of just how worried they’d all been, however, after talking with Danny at the coffee shop, she realized just how utterly terrified they all were at the thought of permanently losing her and she felt terrible for putting them through that. Not that she could really help it, but still. She hated the idea of hurting the people she cared most about.

“Thanks, Per. I’m… I am too,” she said, patting the redhead’s hand.

“Yes, well… let me just get these out and then we can start the fun,” Perry said, her chipper mask slipping back in place as she distracted herself with her hostessing duties once again. Laura just nodded and moved back towards the living room, snagging a chocolate chip cookie on the way.

She plopped down heavily on the sofa, her attention completely focused on the delicious cookie in hand when she felt the couch dip next to her. Turning, she smiled brightly at Carmilla, who chuckled back at her, slowly reaching up and wiping at her cheek where she’d somehow managed to smudge some of the chocolate from the sweet in her hand. She blushed slightly but kept smiling, leaning into the girl next to her as they settled.

“LaF is convinced that with some blood work, some minimally invasive probing, and possibly some hypnosis that they could figure out why your memories are seemingly permanently blocked and how to get them back,” she said. “I told them if the doctors couldn’t figure it out with all the needle sticks and tests you’ve gotten over the last two months, there wasn’t much hope they’d have any success.”

“Valid point there,” Laura nodded.

“Still, just in case they come at you with any sort of questionable test equipment, please be prepared and promptly krav maga their ass. The last thing you need is another trip to the hospital where they can’t figure out why or how you’ve somehow turned into part goat or something equally ridiculous.”

Laura just giggled and popped the rest of the cookie into her mouth before snuggling into Carmilla’s side and reaching for her hand.

“It’s nice to be back here like this, with everyone,” she said after a moment of playing with the dark-haired girl’s fingers. Carmilla just shrugged, her eyes focused on their hands. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s… it’s nice being here with you, I’ll agree with that part.”

“You act so grumpy,” Laura giggled. “And it’s such a load of crap. I’ve spent the last seven weeks with you and you are the biggest softie I’ve ever seen.”

“Am not,” Carmilla grumbled, though the slight upturn of the corner of her lips told Laura all she needed to know.

Smiling even harder she leaned in, leaving a few soft, slow kisses on the other girl’s cheek. Carmilla turned towards her, her smirk growing ever so slightly as she leaned in to press their lips together and Laura found her heartbeat speeding up.

Kissing in the middle of their friend’s living room while they were surrounded by said friends probably wasn’t the best idea but Laura didn’t care.

_Nope, not one bit._

She was too happy at that moment to stop herself and sighed softly when she felt Carmilla’s free hand move up to cup her cheek, her thumb rubbing back and forth as their lips softly brushed together.

“Alright, everyone, everything’s ready now and we can start,” Perry said, clapping her hands together to gain everyone’s attention like she was standing in the front of a classroom of eight-year-olds.

“I think Hollis and Karnstein already have,” Danny said as she passed, sending Laura a teasing smile.

Laura just giggled, watching as Carmilla rolled her eyes.

“Be nice. We’re here to have fun, right? Not for you and Danny to get snippy with each other.”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything. I’m behaving. But if she starts up, you can bet your sweet ass I’m going to give it right back to her,” Carmilla said with a shrug.

“Oh, I know you will,” Laura said, giggling once again and leaving one more quick peck against Carmilla’s lips.

Carmilla smiled sweetly at her as they parted, making no move to go into the other room where everyone had already congregated and Laura found that as much as she was looking forward to this, she wasn’t in a hurry either. In the other room, she heard the soft bickering start about what they would play first and realized they had some time before they’d be missed by the group.

“So…” The hesitant tone caught her attention and she looked up, noticing the obvious concern in Carmilla’s eyes. “We didn’t really talk about it last night. But, how did your coffee with the behemoth go? You get the answers you were looking for?”

“Yeah, I did.” Laura moved slightly, turning herself towards the other girl and laying an arm across the back of the sofa behind her, wanting to be very clear with her answer. “I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you or anything like that. You know that, right?”

“No, cupcake, of course, I know that. Like I said, I trust you. And I really do, Laura. Last night just wasn’t the time I guess. But I just wanted to make sure you felt better about everything that happened and whatever it was that was still bothering you.”

“I know. And I do. There was just… there was something unresolved there. Not between me and Danny but… between you and her.”

“What was that?” Carmilla asked, genuinely confused.

“You told me how repentant she was about the whole situation. How she apologized to me and to LaF and Perry. But I wanted to know if she ever actually apologized to you. She admitted that she hadn’t and that’s what had been bothering me. Thinking that you never got that apology… I don’t know. It just didn’t feel right to me.”

“Ah. So that was the super awkward and uncomfortable ‘sorry’ she cornered me with earlier right after we got here,” Carmilla chuckled. “Totally unnecessary, creampuff.”

“Yes, it was, Carm. You got hurt back then too. And, no, it wasn’t all Danny. I had a hand in it also. But… she owed you that. And when I thought about the fact that she might not have even acknowledged it… I just didn’t understand. It actually really upset me. That’s… that’s not fair to you, Carm.”

“Cutie, I understand, but please, it’s all over and done with, okay? I know it’s still new to you, I get that. But I don’t need a bunch of I’m sorry’s for shit I got over years ago. I… you chose me, Laura. That’s all that mattered. That was all that I cared about.”

“I just… I just wanted to make sure,” Laura said with a shrug and a slight blush. Carmilla just smiled and leaned in, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead, letting her lips linger there for a moment before pulling away. “So um… anyway, coffee was good. I’m glad she and I talked. And everything makes a lot more sense now.”

“Good.”

“But…” Carmilla let a loud laugh erupt from her chest, her eyes lighting up.

“You can’t just let it rest, huh? What now, creampuff?”

“Well, it looks like everyone’s currently occupied,” Laura said as she listened to the bickering in the other room continue. “So what happened that first game night back? Was it a disaster?”

“You sound super eager right now. Like you want it to be a total shit show,” Carmilla chuckled.

“No… it’s just my journalistic curiosity kicking in,” Laura argued, smiling adorably and making Carmilla laugh once more. “Come on, Carm. If my calculations are right, we have a good thirty minutes before they actually settle on a game to play.”

“Alright, I suppose I could entertain you while we wait.”

* * *

**_Five Years and Eleven Months Earlier_ **

“As long as everyone is cordial, I don’t see why there would be a problem,” Perry warned, continuing to arrange the food she’d prepared onto the island countertop in the kitchen, her eyes roaming over each person there with purpose, clearly warning them to behave.

“I don’t think it’s a matter of cordial or not, Per. I mean, I’m sure everyone will be okay. I was just asking if maybe this wasn’t such a good idea because the last thing I want in the middle of our living room is throw-down 2.0,” LaF argued.

“You’re the one who invited them!”

“It seemed like the right thing to do at the time!”

“It was,” Laura said, stepping in between the two before they had their own match. “LaF, you were trying to be nice and include Danny back into the fold. And Perry, no one is going to fight tonight. Promise.”

“I’m sure everyone will be on their best behavior and have the best intentions, Laura. Or at least some of us,” she said, glaring at LaF.

“I was just pointing out that maybe it would have been better for us to meet with Danny and her girlfriend in smaller groups! Like a two on two setting.”

“Yeah, I have no interest in that,” Carmilla said picking at her nail polish from her spot on the sofa next to a distracted Kirsch and a bored looking Mel.

“Well, I’m sure this will be a little awkward. But this really is probably the best option. Everyone is here so there are plenty of buffers for me and Carm and plenty for her. It’ll be fine. We’re all adults, we can all be mature and behave. We’re just… here to have some fun,” Laura said, fist pumping as she did in an attempt to rally the troops. All she got though was a snicker from Carmilla, confused looks from LaF, Kirsch, and Mel, and a skeptical one from Perry. “Just trying to lighten the mood,” she shrugged.

A knock at the door sent six sets of eyes towards the entryway and Laura froze in her spot, waiting patiently as Perry untied her apron and stepped forward to answer it.

“Oh, wonderful, Danny, Betty, you made it,” she greeted them with an overly friendly smile as she ushered them inside.

Laura turned to look at Carmilla, the dark-haired girl smirking back at her as she did and couldn’t help but giggle at the overly exaggerated wink she sent her way. Carmilla had been so great about this whole situation and, despite her own personal feelings about Danny, Laura was honestly so relieved and so grateful that the dark-haired girl was still at her side.

“Hey… everyone. Thanks for having us.” She heard Danny nervously greet everyone from her spot near the door and couldn’t help but giggle again, noticing no one else had moved from their spots, apparently afraid of upsetting the balance.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you invited?” Carmilla asked, her face completely serious and Laura couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled out of her as she watched Perry’s face turn a bright shade of red. Of course, Carmilla was going to stir the pot. Just because she’d been the one to suggest Laura even speak to Danny again didn’t mean she wasn’t going to be… well, Carmilla.

“Seriously, fang face?” Danny’s posture went from nervous to defensive in half a second, her tone harsh. “Are you sure **you** were invited?”

“Now now, everyone was invited,” Perry said, her smile forced as she waltzed through the room. “Oh, how you do kid, Carmilla.”

“Oh yes, how I do,” Carmilla parroted back, making LaF and Mel chuckle as Kirsch continued to stare around blankly

 _This is going to be a long night,_ Laura thought, shaking her head.

* * *

“So, how did the two of you meet?” Perry asked thirty minutes later, ever Miss Manners as she tried to keep the peace between everyone. Laura was honestly waiting for her to collapse in exhaustion from trying so hard.

She sent a polite smile around the group before moving away and over towards where Mel and Kirsch stood, perusing the array snacks that had been left out for the evening, not really in the mood to listen to Danny’s recap of how she and Betty had met at that moment.

She was still a little surprised, honestly, that Danny had taken LaF up on their offer to come that night. Perry had been the one to call her after Danny had confirmed she and Betty would be attending the next game night, apparently hoping to give her some forewarning to prepare. She realized then that while she wasn’t opposed to the idea of Danny being around, she definitely wasn’t ready for them to be best buds. She honestly wasn’t sure if that would ever be on the horizon for their relationship but it wasn’t something she was going to concern herself with on the first night having the group all together again.

“Hey, um, have you guys seen Carm? She’s been missing for a bit.”

She’d noticed the dark-haired girl disappear about ten minutes after Danny and Betty had arrived and she hadn’t caught sight of her since.

“Oh yeah, angry hottie grabbed her coat and went outside.”

“She left?” she asked, her voice edged with panic.

“She was on her phone,” Mel added, shoving Kirsch in the shoulder. “I think she just wanted some quiet.”

Laura just nodded, relieved, and moved to grab her own coat from the rack near the door, walking out of the apartment. She decided to take the stairs in lieu of the elevator, knowing she could probably get outside faster if she did. Not finding her girlfriend in either the stairwell or the main lobby, she pulled her jacket on and moved towards the entrance of the building, catching sight of dark hair at the bottom of the steps as she approached.

“There you are. I was wondering where you’d disappeared to,” Laura said, her breath clouding in front of her face as she stepped out onto the apartment stoop and quickly climbed down the steps to where Carmilla was sitting at the bottom.

“What’s up, cupcake? You get bored without me?”

“Always,” Laura giggled. “But seriously, what’s up? It’s freezing out here and, I mean, I know you don’t mind the cold that much but December is definitely not the ideal time to take in the stars.”

“No, it’s not, but… Mattie called,” she answered, the teasing smile slipping from her face.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just… more bullshit from Lilita,” Carmilla shrugged, looking away and shoving her hands into her coat pockets.

“What happened?” Laura quietly asked as she sat on the bottom step next to her girlfriend, leaning into Carmilla’s side and threading her arm around Carmilla’s to pull her close.

“Nothing new. Mattie’s just worried about Will. I guess… well, he’s in some trouble right now. Mother isn’t too happy about it and for some reason, his choices are Mattie and I’s fault.”

“How is it you guy’s fault?”

“Because everything is,” Carmilla chuckled darkly. “She apparently just called Mattie and ripped into her over and over until Mattie eventually hung up on her. She didn’t bother calling me but I did receive a rather nasty email about five minutes ago.”

“I thought he was doing okay. I mean, you said he was getting through his first semester no problem.”

“Academically, yeah. He just… the cops picked him up for possession. Again.”

“What did he have?”

“I guess it was only pot this time. One of his lighter dalliances. But… this will be the third time he’s gotten in trouble with the cops for having shit he shouldn’t.”

Laura remembered the second time, vividly. It was before they’d moved in together but not long after she’d actually met Carmilla’s family. She’d stopped by after her late afternoon class, using her spare key to let herself in, and hoping for a relaxing night in with her girlfriend. Instead, she walked into Carmilla yelling into her phone, her back to the door and completely unaware of Laura’s presence.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” she growled into the receiver.

Laura quietly closed and locked the door behind her, dropping her overnight bag on the floor, and slowly stepping into the room, her curiosity getting the better of her. Carmilla so rarely yelled that it was always a bit jarring when she did.

“Mattie, that’s not what I’m saying! I don’t want anything bad to happen to him either but he’s never going to stop if she keeps bailing him out and then making the record disappear just because she’s got more money than God!”

 _Crap, family drama,_ she thought as she stood completely still in the space between the bed and the couch, playing nervously with her fingers, unsure of what to do.

“Fuck, Mattie, I never said I wanted him to get hurt! I’m just saying that he’s never going to change as long as she keeps ‘taking care of it!’ And the more often that happens, the more likely it is that he really will end up getting hurt or… or worse!”

Laura waited another moment before tiptoeing back towards the door, gathering her things as quietly as possible. This was something she shouldn’t be listening to. This wasn’t her business and the last thing she wanted to do was have Carmilla think she was invading her privacy. Sure, the dark-haired girl had been much more open with her over the last few months but this was different. This was Carmilla’s family, which had always been a bit of a sore subject. Whenever the older girl did talk about them, Laura always listened raptly, but it was never a topic she pushed for. It almost seemed… taboo.

She’d just slid the strap of her overnight bag over her shoulder and reached for the doorknob when she heard the final blow.

“Fine! I’ll be the asshole since apparently, I’m the only one who fucking gets it!”

She heard the phone slam down on the counter and the loud crack of Carmilla’s boot hitting the cupboard below the sink and cringed. This was not good. This was not something Carmilla would want her to see. She had to get out of there and she had to go now!

“Laura?”

_Oh, crap!_

She turned, smiling sheepishly, to see Carmilla still standing near the kitchen sink, her face a mix of slowly fading anger and complete surprise.

“Hey. Hi. Um… yeah.” What was she supposed to say at that moment?

_More than hey, hi! God, you’re girlfriend’s upset. Get it together, Hollis!_

“I… um… I didn’t… shit, I didn’t know you’d be here so early,” Carmilla said, running a hand through her hair and sagging in defeat.

“I’m sorry, I thought we said six?” She watched Carmilla turn to look at the clock on the wall and sag even further.

“Shit, I’m… you’re right. We did. I just…”

“Hey, it’s fine. Don’t worry, I’ll just… I’ll just go. You’ve obviously got other stuff going on so… we can just do this another night,” Laura said, forcing a smile as she turned and reached for the doorknob once again, desperate to get out and avoid upsetting Carmilla any further.

“No! Laura, please… don’t go.”

She turned at the desperation in Carmilla’s voice, something she rarely heard, and saw her girlfriend, so sad and defeated still standing there, her eyes pleading.

_She wants you to stay? Okay… okay, don’t screw this up, Laura._

“Okay, yeah, if you want, I’ll… I’ll stay.” She slowly set her things back down and carefully made her way towards Carmilla, watching for any indication to stop. Not finding one as she reached the space in front of Carmilla, she gently reached out, taking the dark-haired girl in her arms and holding her up, supporting most of her weight as the older girl fell into her, sighing in defeat and clinging to her like Laura was the only thing keeping her grounded.

Laura had held Carmilla most of that night, not pushing for anything the other girl didn’t want to give her, but listening to every word that did come out of Carmilla’s mouth as she altered between venting and lamenting about her family.

“Is he… is he okay?” Laura asked, her breath still foggy as they sat together on the apartment stoop.

“Yeah, mother made sure it just… went away. Like she always has for her sweet little William.”

Laura waited a long moment, watching her girlfriend stare off into the distance down the street, her dark eyes unfocused but still intense.

“Mattie’s just… she loves Will. We both do. And, we don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But… Lilita’s got to stop bailing him out. Mattie’s to the point where she’s starting to agree with me on that.”

“Why does your mother keeping doing that?”

“He’s all she has left to carry on the great legacy. Mattie and I are both lost causes so…” Carmilla shrugged once again, pulling her legs into her and looking down at the holes in her jeans.

“Carm, you know that’s not true.”

“It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, Laura. It’s only her opinion that counts and her opinion is that we’re worthless.”

“So… what did Mattie say?” she asked, changing the pathway of the conversation. She knew she wasn’t going to win in the argument of good vs. bad according to Lilita Morgan.

“She just… we both know why he’s doing it. I mean, I’m the degenerate, Mattie’s the rebel. He’s never wanted to be the ‘good one.’ But Lilita keeps forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to do with his life and he’s too afraid to stand up to her. I just… I don’t want him to really get hurt. I don’t want to end up burying my big brother before he’s even twenty-five.”

Laura didn’t say anything to that. What could she say? The thought was so incredibly sad and she ached to make it better but… she could only do so much. So instead, she just wrapped an arm around Carmilla’s waist and pulled her closer, sighing softly when Carmilla allowed it. She grabbed the dark-haired girl’s other hand and leaned in to kiss her temple, letting her chin rest on Carmilla’s shoulder for a moment before she pulled away.

“I’m here, Carm. I’m here for you. You know that right?”

“I do, cupcake,” Carmilla said as she looked down at their intertwined hands in her lap. Laura’s eyes followed her gaze and she smiled when Carmilla leaned further into her, the older girl silently taking the comfort she offered. They sat like that in silence for a long moment before Carmilla turned towards her, smirking softly, the somber moment apparently over.

“Chilly, creampuff?”

Laura realized she was actually a little beyond cold at that point and had started to shiver, the cold concrete steps below her not helping the cause. She just shrugged, the cold not reason enough to leave Carmilla’s side.

“Come on,” Carmilla said as she stood, offering Laura her hand. Laura gripped it, letting the dark-haired girl pull her to her feet and smiling when Carmilla wrapped her arm around her waist once she was standing. They moved up the steps and into the building, slowly making their way towards the elevator and back upstairs, shucking their jackets once they reached LaF and Perry’s floor. “Hey, you know, you’re a pretty great girlfriend. Just in case I don’t say it enough. I… I really appreciate all that you do for me, Laura.”

“It’s something I’m more than happy to do,” she answered with a soft smile, relishing in the slight blush dusting Carmilla’s cheeks. “I love you.”

“I love you too, cutie,” she said, kissing her once on the cheek as they made their way back inside the apartment.

“You can’t do that!” she heard from somewhere around the kitchen table.

“Can too, Summer Psycho! I rolled a six!”

“Bullshit! The dice is leaning against LaF’s cup! It doesn’t count!”

“And here I promised no one would fight,” Laura said quietly, leaning onto Carmilla’s shoulder and smiling when she felt the dark-haired girl leave a soft kiss on her forehead.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“I guess that wasn’t really a big revelation story about how Lawrence came back into the fold, but honestly, there’s not much more to it. Like I told you, it took time and she just kept coming around with Betty, more and more often. And Betty’s semi-cool. You know she just kind of goes with the flow and has fun. I think that helped everyone just kind of stop worrying about saying the wrong thing or starting a fight.”

“No, it’s good. I’m… I’m glad you told me about that.” She wasn’t really sure what else to say. Carmilla had obviously just revealed something important that the old her had known for years but… she obviously hadn’t expected the story to take that turn. Will had seemed so put together when she’d met him that she would never have guessed he’d ever had a drug problem.

“You okay?” Carmilla eyed her curiously, a gentle hand squeezing at her knee.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry,” she nodded quickly, attempting to appear normal. “I’m fine.”

“Come on,” Carmilla said, standing from her seat and helping Laura up, pulling her into the kitchen. She smiled when she felt Carmilla wrap her arms around her waist from behind as she stopped and leaned against the island.

“Goddamnit, frat boy, you suck!”

“Ha! Yes!”

“Alright, I think that’s enough. No more Battleship for you two,” Perry said and Laura giggled as she watched the redhead literally take their game boards away. She turned back to Carmilla, who was also chuckling at the scene, realizing they’d been gone a little longer than she’d planned but finding that they weren’t really missed.

“I… I didn’t know that about Will,” she said quietly, looking over her shoulder.

“Well, why would you?”

“No, I just mean… thank you for telling me but I’m not sure what to say.” She shrugged once, keeping her eyes on Carmilla.

“You don’t have to say anything, Laura. You’re getting to know me again, right? You’re going to learn some not so fun things in the process.”

“I know. And that makes sense. It’s just… is it hard for you to tell me this stuff?” She watched Carmilla finally look away, the older girl taking her turn to shrug, and waited, the seriousness of the moment a stark contrast to the laughter and teasing occurring between their friends on the other side of the room.

“Sometimes it’s not super fun. But… Laura, you were the first person that I didn’t completely hide from. You were the first person I let see everything. It took a while for me to get there, but after everything that’s just happened, I don’t want to hide stuff from you just because it’ll make me uncomfortable or vulnerable. I want you to see me because… well, you loved me before, despite everything. Even if things are different between us, I guess I hope all those not so flattering parts of my life and behaviors aren’t going to turn you away this time, just like they didn’t last time.”

Laura smiled softly at the openness and honesty of the statement and nodded, going up on her tiptoes to angle her lips against Carmilla’s cheek.

“So, what happened? To Will?”

“He actually got really bad at one point. He almost totally blew it at law school. I have no idea how he managed to keep it together for as long as he did. We’d hoped that after mother passed, he’d stop. Because, I mean, like I said, he was really just trying to make a statement against her. But by then, he was actually just hooked. Mattie made him come and stay with her the summer after his second year at Harvard. She had started making a bit of a name for herself by that point but still couldn’t really afford to get him into a good rehab. And mother’s money was all still tied up in probate. So she kind of made one in her apartment. I went out for a few weeks to help. Not long after you graduated.” Carmilla chuckled, lost in thought. “It wasn’t pretty, the three of us crammed into a one bedroom, practically on top of each other all the time but…” She trailed off for a moment, suddenly serious again. “He did it for us. He knew how much we loved him and how much it hurt to see him like that.”

“I noticed I never saw him drink anything but coffee when he was here. Even when you or Mattie had wine in front of you.”

“Yeah. He’s been completely clean for a little over four years now. He does some outreach stuff too, helping people who need help but may not have the means or the support they need.” She paused for a moment, resting her chin on Laura’s shoulder as she continued to watch their friends. “I’m really proud of him. He’s done great.”

“You should be. You guys all deserve that. I mean, you never had the stable home life as kids and by the time Lilita took you in… well, you all turned out pretty great, despite the obstacles.”

“We do okay,” Carmilla said with a shrug. Laura just smiled and twisted back again, leaving another soft kiss on her cheek.

“I’m proud of you,” she whispered, taking pride in the incredibly faint blush she could just barely make out dusting Carmilla’s cheeks as the older girl looked down at the floor.

“Hey, you two up for charades?” LaF asked as the group moved past them and into the living room.

“Sure, we’ll be right in,” Laura said, giggling softly at the cringing face Carmilla made.

“Alright, fine, but if Xena and the frat boy start to go at it, we’re out of here.”

“Deal.”

* * *

“Well, that was an interesting evening,” Laura said as they walked into their house just a few hours later. She dropped her coat and kicked off her shoes, walking further into the space and listening to Carmilla do the same behind her.

“This is why Perry instituted a ‘no more than one game night a month’ rule. She got sick of cleaning up the mess the two giants make every time one of them throws a fit.”

Laura giggled and turned, leaning her back against the island and watching as Carmilla slowly approached her, her eyes intensely focused on Laura’s, stopping just a foot away. She smiled, taking in the other girl, happy to have this time alone with her. Of course, she’d enjoyed the evening spent with their friends, laughing at all the ridiculousness and appreciating the time spent together. But she had to admit, she was ready to leave LaF and Perry’s about halfway through, wanting to just come back and spend some time alone with Carmilla. She knew it was probably just a honeymoon phase effect but part of her wondered if this was how they always were. If she always had a desire to spend as much time alone with the dark-haired girl as she could.

She looked up, watching Carmilla slightly tilt her head to the side and waited, the other girl clearly thinking about something.

“So… it’s still kind of early…” Carmilla trailed off, looking at her expectantly and Laura smiled as she reached for her, grabbing ahold of the front of her shirt and pulling her in.

“It is,” she agreed. “And… I was thinking…”

“Yes?” She felt Carmilla’s hands land softly on her hips, the older girl gently pressing her against the counter.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s neck, keeping her in place and contemplated her next move. They’d had such a good evening together and she so desperately wanted to keep that up. But she also wanted something else. Something more. Something she’d been wanting for days but Carmilla had continued to brush off.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, cutie? I can practically see smoke coming out of your ears,” Carmilla teased with a smirk.

She took in the expression on Carmilla’s face, finding those playful eyes and that mischievous smile the signs she needed to push forward.

“Well… I was thinking…”

“Always dangerous.”

“That since we’re doing this whole relationship do-over and it’s going so well…” she trailed off, giving Carmilla a pointed look and causing the dark-haired girl to chuckle. “That we should continue to... explore that.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. I mean, you’ve told me all these amazing stories about us and I’ve loved every single one. And you already know pretty much everything there is to know about me. I’m still playing catch-up on that but I’ll get there.”

“So… you want another story?” Carmilla asked, her brow furrowed.

“No. I… I want you to kiss me.”

Carmilla’s face softened and that smirk turned into a sweet smile.

“I know I’ve been off and distant lately, but kissing you is actually something I’m always more than happy to do,” she said, her tone almost a little shy and it made Laura’s stomach swim.

“Good to know.”

Carmilla smiled once more before slowly leaning in, letting their lips meet gently for a long moment before pulling back.

“See?”

“I do. But… that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,” Laura said, keeping the other girl close.

“Oh? Well, what **did** you have in mind, creampuff?”

Laura looked up through her eyelashes, taking in Carmilla’s sweet face, and suddenly felt nervous. What if she was pushing for too much, too fast? Carmilla had promised to try and to let her in, but… Laura closed her eyes and swallowed hard, taking a deep breath, opening her eyes once more, but still keeping her gaze down, determined to at least put herself out there. She may get rejected but at least she’d have tried.

“I… I want you to kiss me like you want me thinking about you later… when I’m alone… in bed.”

_Oh my god, I can’t believe I just said that._

She nervously looked up, more than thankful to see Carmilla smirking back at her, eyebrow raised, looking like she was about to let a slew of flirtatious innuendos fly instead of the closed off girl Laura had been living with for the last few days.

“Oh, really? That’s what you want, huh, cupcake?”

Laura just shrugged, biting her bottom lip shyly, trying to hold back the blush she felt heating up her cheeks. She felt Carmilla’s hands grip her hips a little tighter, pressing her harder back against the counter as she pressed their bodies even tighter together, and Laura thought her heart was going to beat out of her chest in anticipation.

“You seem unsure,” she teased, leaning her face closer, her lips so tantalizingly close, and Laura couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed across her face.

She’d heard the stories of confident, flirty Carmilla who was able to turn the old her into putty in her hands with just a few words or a look, but this was really the first time she’d gotten to experience it.

_Those stories don’t do it justice._

“I’m definitely not unsure. In fact, if you don’t kiss me soon, I think I’m going to-”

She was cut off as Carmilla’s lips finally met hers, firm and with purpose.

 _Oh, holy crap,_ she thought, wondering how her legs were going to continue to hold her up as Carmilla’s mouth slowly opened against hers, her tongue ghosting against Laura’s lips, asking permission, which Laura immediately gave. Thankfully, with Carmilla pinning her firmly against the counter, she had a little help and the minor tremors she felt in her knees wasn’t enough to take her down.

Seconds ticked by. Then minutes as the dark-haired girl continued to take her breath away in a kiss that was unlike anything she’d ever experienced, it’s contrasting aspects making her head spin, all firm lips and soft tongue and hitting just the right spots, leaving her completely breathless. By the time Carmilla finally pulled away, taking Laura’s bottom lip with her for a split second, she was unable to hide the shudders wracking her body.

“You okay, cutie?” she asked, pressing their foreheads together.

Laura looked up into those impossibly dark eyes, seeing the soft concern there, but also something else, something she hadn’t seen before. It was… animalistic almost.

“Do that again,” she panted, her fingers combing through soft, dark tendrils.

Carmilla just smiled at her, leaning in and pressing their lips together once more. It was close to an hour later before they finally stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, kind of nervous about this one. Let me know what you all think.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	27. From The Second Time Around The Only Love I Ever Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where the Scoobs are the Scoobs, Carmilla discovers she needs something that she never thought she would, and Laura pushes for something she's been missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Freakin' Fluffy Friday! By way of total coincidence (because I wrote this a few weeks ago), I think I managed to get in just about everything that was requested... in one way or another.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

Laura moaned deep within her chest, her head falling forward, eyes closed, mouth open, gripping so tightly to the headboard that her knuckles paled as she knelt in front of it.

“That good, huh, cupcake?” Carmilla teased from behind her, her voice husky in Laura’s ear, breath ghosting over the sensitive lobe before taking it into her mouth and biting gently.

“Ugh, come on, Carm. You know it’s always good,” she sighed, opening her eyes with Herculean effort and pressing her backside further against the older girl’s front, feeling their damp skin meeting at every possible juncture in complete and utter perfection.

She heard Carmilla chuckle from behind her and knew, without a doubt, she was wearing that stupid, smug smirk. There were times when Laura was willing to do anything to wipe it off her gorgeous face with how infuriating it could be. But then there were other times… times like now, when she loved that smirk and only wanted more of it. Times when she wanted more of Carmilla. Times when-

“Oh god, Carm, I…” She trailed off as Carmilla shifted behind her, moving those amazing fingers inside of her at a different and somehow even better angle. Yeah, it was times like these that she didn’t mind the smirk because, dammit, Carmilla could be cocky as hell, but at least she had the skill to back it up.

She pushed off the headboard, moving one hand behind her, threading it through Carmilla’s dark locks, tugging insistently and making the dark-haired girl moan as she leaned her head back against the other girl’s stable shoulder. Turning just a fraction to the right, she found Carmilla’s lips, and though it wasn’t the best angle, it was exactly what she needed to push her that much closer to the edge as she felt Carmilla’s tongue make its way into her mouth. Now, if Carmilla would just…

The moan that erupted from her throat was unlike any she’d ever heard, as Carmilla’s fingers found that elusive spot inside her, her palm brushing just right against Laura’s clit while her other hand gripped tightly at the smaller girl’s hip, all possessive and powerful. She was pretty sure the older girl was leaving little finger-shaped bruises behind, but it was so worth it.

“Seriously, Carm, I going to…” she panted breathlessly as their lips finally broke apart.

“Yeah?” Carmilla chuckled once again, her thrusts now relentless.

“Oh yeah,” she groaned, nearing the cliff, unclenching her other hand from the headboard, reaching back, grabbing onto Carmilla’s thigh, gripping tightly as she turned to kiss Carmilla soundly once more.

Beep beep beep… Beep beep beep… Beep beep beep…

Laura’s eyes slowly cracked opened with an entirely different kind of groan as she rolled over, turning off her alarm and flopping back onto her pillow, with a huff.

“Dammit,” she grumbled, the sunlight filtering through the curtains, leaving her squinting and even more grumpy at her sudden wake-up call.

This was the third night in the last week that she’d dreamed of Carmilla, pressed against her in an incredibly compromising position and she wasn’t sure how she was going to continue to keep her sanity around the dark-haired girl if she kept making nocturnal appearances in Laura’s subconscious. She was pretty sure if this kept up though, she could not be held responsible for her actions when she ended up randomly jumping the other girl in a moment of weakness and trying to take things to the next level.

She knew it was coming. Hell, she wanted it to happen.

_Well, most of the time. After all, you would’ve slept with her by now if you hadn’t chickened out the other night._

They’d spent their evenings over the last week since the visit to LaF and Perry’s together, laughing, flirting, kissing… and oh, the kissing. She realized she could literally spend hours kissing Carmilla and still want more. And for her part, Carmilla seemed to enjoy their lip-locking sessions just as much. But as of yet, their physical contact hadn’t really gone too far past that. And for the first time, she really wasn’t sure who was holding back more. Sure, she wanted to rip Carmilla’s clothes off and have her way with her. And she knew her girlfriend wanted her just as much. It was obvious any time she looked into those incredible dark eyes after they’d break apart. But when the cards were down and it wasn’t a simple, hypothetical notion, it was a different story. Anytime things started getting a little too heated, one of them would inevitably pull back. She knew why Carmilla was hesitant. After all, considering how uncertain the other girl had been just over a week ago to even let Laura get close, it was not a surprise that the older girl needed to ease herself into this ‘new’ territory of their relationship.

For her part though, it was the ‘old’ territory that was giving her pause. Sure, she’d been sleeping with Carmilla for almost seven years at this point, but she couldn’t remember a single intimate moment between the two of them that hadn’t occurred more than two weeks ago. And whereas Carmilla knew every inch of her body, every place that would drive her wild to be touched or kissed, and how to leave her completely satisfied, Laura had just a tad less knowledge.

_Or a truckload less._

She knew she’d eventually figure it out and things would be fine between them as they got further and further from the jumping off point they’d created. She knew it was just a matter of getting her feet wet.

_And some other things wet…_

But it was one thing to think about it and quite another to actually do it when they were in the moment, lips pressed together, breathless and teasing, hands roaming further and further into new territories. It was tempting. So tempting. But she just couldn’t reconcile the two worlds. And even if she could, it would be Carmilla who would inevitably get cold feet.

The night before had been Carmilla’s turn to clam up. They’d been sitting on the couch, the movie they’d put on completely forgotten, Laura practically in Carmilla’s lap, the two completely wrapped in each other, a tangled mess of lips and limbs. Laura had felt Carmilla’s hand slowly creeping up her ribcage below her shirt, fingertips caressing the edge of Laura’s bra when the soft, needy moan Laura released had apparently brought Carmilla back to herself and the older girl immediately withdrew her hand, placing it back on Laura’s waist, where it stayed.

Carmilla had looked semi-guilty when they’d finally parted a few minutes later and Laura had found herself immediately wanting to make that unsure feeling disappear. After all, Carmilla had done the same for her the night before when she’d been the reason they’d paused, the feeling of Carmilla’s lips on her neck feeling far too good at that moment, leading her to wonder where on the dark-haired girl’s body she liked to be kissed, which led to her realizing she had no clue and having a mini panic attack.

“Hey.” She’d put her hand under Carmilla’s chin, forcing those incredibly dark eyes up to her own and smiling softly. “You want to finish the movie?” All she’d gotten was a nod and a small grateful smile from her girlfriend. They’d turned back towards the television and snuggled back into each other, Laura turning and leaving soft kisses against Carmilla’s cheek and chin for the rest of the night just to reassure her that she understood.

 _It was a little harder to understand when we said goodnight though,_ she thought, hating the fact that they **still** weren’t sleeping in the same bed. That was one thing she was in a hurry to get to but they hadn’t talked about it. Every evening when they said their goodnights, Carmilla just automatically went to the couch and Laura was left all alone in that big bed.

She climbed out of said bed, leaving the room, and slowly made her way down the hall. Carmilla was already gone, she knew that. The other girl had mentioned an early morning call the night before so Laura knew she’d be on her own most of the day. Which didn’t matter. She had plenty of her own work to attend to.

She quickly made herself a cup of coffee after cleaning out the french press that Carmilla had left, unwashed in the middle of the counter and sat on one of the stools at the island, sipping the caffeine slowly and letting herself fully wake up.

She looked around the kitchen, her thoughts still making their way through her head at rapid fire. The past few mornings, she’d been in a similar predicament with the dreams lingering in her subconscious, unwilling to let go as she’d watched Carmilla get ready for the day, the dark-haired girl so amazingly beautiful, all flirtatious smiles and sweet comments, and making her really wish they both could get it together. Today, though Carmilla was gone, the dream seemed to grip at her brain even harder, so impossibly vivid that she could almost feel the older girl’s breath ghosting over her ear and neck.

She was never going to get anything done here with thoughts of the dark-haired girl surrounding her, Carmilla’s things sitting nearby, the smell of her soft perfume lingering in the air. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she cleaned up her mess and made her way towards the bathroom for a shower before she left for the day.

_A cold shower._

* * *

“Hey, welcome home, creampuff,” Carmilla said with a smile as she turned and took in the sight of her adorable girlfriend dropping her bags just inside the door before turning back to the stove in front of her.

“I don’t know what you’re making, but it smells amazing,” Laura said, slowly making her way through the room and peaking over the dark-haired girl’s shoulder. Carmilla felt Laura’s arms wrap around her waist from behind as she rested her chin on her shoulder, pressing their bodies close together, the pose so familiar.

“Scallop risotto with saffron. Figured you’d be home soon and most likely hungry so I thought a night in with a decent dinner would be a good idea.”

“It’s a great idea,” Laura said, leaving a kiss just below her ear and squeezing her once before pulling away. “Do you need any help?”

“I’m all set. Besides, I’d prefer we get to enjoy this and not end up making an unplanned trip to the emergency room when you end up inadvertently trying to cut off a finger.”

She turned towards the counter, catching Laura out of the corner of her eye, her head tilted to the side in disbelief.

“I think you’re being just a wee bit overly dramatic there, Carm.”

Instead of answering verbally she just shrugged, raising a pointed eyebrow, and continuing on with her knowing smirk.

“Hey! Wait did that really happen?”

“Not quite,” Carmilla laughed. “You didn’t cut it off. Just sliced the hell out of it.” She turned and held up her ring finger on her left hand for Laura to see, laughing again when Laura’s eyes caught sight of the distinct scar there and widened comically.

“Oh my god, it was **your** hand!” The tiny brunette lunged forward, grabbing ahold of said hand and inspecting it as though she was going to find more damage. “I noticed that scar weeks ago but I never thought I was the one who gave it to you!”

“It’s fine, Laura. A few stitches and good as new,” she said, wiggling it to emphasize her point. “Though, since I do like my fingers where they are, after that little incident, we decided that even if I let you help in the kitchen, we would keep at least an arm’s length apart at all times when knives are present.”

“That’s… actually probably wise of you,” Laura said, her bottom lip still pushed out in a sad pout and Carmilla found she couldn’t help herself. Still smiling, she leaned forward, capturing it between her own, tugging at it gently in a long, slow kiss that resulted in a little sigh escaping from Laura’s throat when they parted, much to her amusement.

_God, I love that I get to do that again._

“Well… um… so…”

“You okay over there, cutie? Or did I break you?” she teased, smirking when Laura just blushed and rolled her eyes, slowly collecting herself.

“Anyway, since you don’t need any help, do you mind if I take a quick shower. I ended up on the wrong end of a coffee transaction earlier and I’ve spent the day smelling like a macchiato,” she said, pulling at her shirt which was housing an impressive stain.

“Sure, you have plenty of time,” Carmilla reassured her, chuckling once again when she turned back to the stove and listened to Laura scrambling through the house, her feet skidding this way and that as her socks disagreed with the shiny wood floor.

_So fucking cute._

She’d had the smaller girl on her mind all day, unable to shake the last week and that very morning from her thoughts, regardless of how hard she tried. She’d snuck into the bedroom that morning, searching for her favorite jeans, and had caught sight of Laura, curled into a ball on her side, holding **her** pillow tightly to her chest, looking so utterly peaceful and beautiful that Carmilla had felt it right in the center of her chest, expanding and pounding as it grew.

Laura was still here. She was still alive. She was okay and Carmilla hadn’t lost her. She swallowed hard at the thought and had quickly grabbed her things before bolting from the room, afraid that if she stayed any longer she’d end up climbing into the bed behind Laura and holding her tight, so beyond grateful that the smaller girl was still in her life. Not that it would’ve been bad to do so but… for some reason, the thought of imposing on Laura’s personal space without her knowledge or consent at this point in their relationship just didn’t seem right.

Things really had been great between them over the last few days though and for that, she was so incredibly thankful. It had been so sweet and easy, Laura still trying her hardest to make this work and Carmilla no longer holding back in guilt. Though, there **was** something missing; the stories. Carmilla hadn’t told Laura a single thing about their past together since they’d spent the evening at LaF and Perry’s with their friends. Laura simply hadn’t asked for any more details and, while Carmilla was doing better at rectifying the fact that the Laura currently in the shower and ‘her Laura’ were, in fact, one-in-the-same, she missed telling the younger girl the stories of their past. But if Laura didn’t want them anymore…

_Well, it’s selfish of you to try and keep up the storytelling if she doesn’t want to hear them. Just because it helps you, doesn’t mean it’s helping her anymore._

She quickly swallowed down her moment of sadness when she heard Laura’s footsteps coming down the hallway, smiling up at the smaller girl when she rounded the corner, hair still wet from the shower, changed into an old pair of Silas sweats that were a size too big and one of Carmilla’s old band t-shirts that she’d commandeered years ago.

“So much better,” she said, smiling and leaning across the island towards Carmilla. Carmilla simply smiled at her and nodded, turning back to the stove.

_She’s still here, stories or not. Just be thankful for that._

* * *

“That’s it. You’re making us dinner every night from now on,” Laura said, settling further into the couch, running her fingers along Carmilla’s shin over her jeans. From the other side of the sofa, where Carmilla sat, playing with the hem of Laura’s sweats, the dark-haired girl simply chuckled. “I’m serious. I may gain thirty pounds but, it’s part of the deal.”

“What do I get in return?” Carmilla asked, her fingers ghosting over Laura’s ankle.

“Making me happy isn’t enough?” Laura teased.

“Of course it is.”

“But…?”

“But what?”

“I was waiting for some smartass comment,” Laura teased.

“Sorry, guess I’m fresh out,” Carmilla shrugged, focusing on her fingertips, gently running over soft skin, the feeling of Laura, warm and solid such a comfort. A comfort that she desperately wanted to hold on to for as long as she could.

“Hey.” Laura pulled her legs out of Carmilla’s reach, sitting up cross-legged towards the middle of the couch, no longer smiling but now looking worried. “You okay? You’ve been kind of quiet since I got out of the shower.”

“Oh… yeah. I’m fine,” she answered, shaking her head to clear it, not even realizing that Laura was right.

_Just suck it up, you’re fine._

“Something’s bugging you.”

“Nothing important or worth drudging up right now,” she said, forcing a smile to her face. But Laura didn’t buy it.

“So if it’s not important we should be able to navigate through it rather quickly, don’t you think?” she pressed.

Carmilla looked up, seeing the eagerness in Laura’s eyes and swallowed hard against it. They’d been having a nice evening, she didn’t want to ruin it with her own insecurities. However, it seemed her girlfriend wasn’t going to let this go and she really didn’t want to go back to hiding things from Laura and making things awkward and uncomfortable between them.

_Which way is worse?_

“It’s not a big deal, just… can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Laura answered, resting her hands on Carmilla’s still outstretched legs, carefully running her fingers over her knees.

“The stories I’ve been telling you… do you… why haven’t you asked for any more?”

The question seemed to surprise the younger girl, her eyes widening just a tad.

“Oh, well… I guess I just haven’t thought about it. I mean, I’ve just been focusing on us. On the present. Our past is there, I know that but… I guess I’ve just realized that for this to keep going, I really need to focus on what we’re doing now. On what I’m doing now and how to make this work. For us.”

“Oh.”

_She doesn’t need them anymore. The past is gone. It’s over and it doesn’t matter._

“Okay, sure, that… that makes sense,” Carmilla said, looking down, unconsciously running her fingers over the scar on her left hand that had just come up only an hour earlier.

“That doesn’t mean those stories aren’t important though, Carm,” Laura said, scooting forward just an inch and letting her hands move further up.

“No, I-I get it. You want this to be about us. About now. The past… well, it doesn’t really matter anymore, I guess. Or at least, it doesn’t matter the same as it used to.”

_You can always just tell them to yourself. Right, like that’s the same._

“I didn’t say that. I mean, yes, I do want it to be about us now but… do **you** still want to tell me those stories? I mean, you were the one who asked not too long ago if they even really mattered.”

“I know, I just… nevermind, it’s stupid.”

“No.” Laura’s voice was soft but serious as she scooted even closer between the dark-haired girl’s legs, letting Carmilla’s knees rest across her thighs, leaning forward further towards the older girl. “Tell me what you’re thinking right now.”

“If I do, that’ll probably set us back a bit in the now department,” she said, finding her hands in her lap suddenly interesting again.

“I’m willing to risk a setback if it means you’re not holding in something that’s obviously bothering you.”

She glanced up, eyes roaming over Laura’s face, her expression nothing but patience and understanding, and found she couldn’t hold it in.

“I guess, for me, they really aren’t just a trip down memory lane anymore. You know, I promised you I would try and not see you as two different people. And that I wasn’t going to treat the us right now any different than the us from the past.”

“And you’ve been doing really good at that.”

“Well, I think part of it… I think the stories kind of help me connect the two worlds. So it’s not past us vs. current us. It’s just us. I mean, I felt it the other night at LaF and Perry’s and… it just was nice. It just felt like reminiscing, the two of us, even though you don’t remember, obviously. It just… it felt good. I don’t… I don’t want to need the stories but… I think I do now.”

She shrugged, looking away when Laura stayed silent, knowing she’d messed up.

_She doesn’t want that anymore. She doesn’t want a part of your relationship that she can’t even remember, why’d you force it?_

And it was less than ten seconds later that she felt Laura worm out from between her knees, standing from the couch, and leaving the room without a word.

 _Why can’t you stop fucking this up for two minutes!_  

She sighed heavily, pulling her fingers into tight fists and wishing for a moment that things could just be easy. Just for once! She ran a frustrated hand through her hair and started to move from the couch in order to follow the smaller girl and apologize, when Laura came back into the room, photobook in hand, and plopped down in the middle of the sofa, reaching down and pulling Carmilla’s legs back onto the couch and across her own.

“Now,” she said, opening the book to a random page and smiling when she caught sight of whatever was stuck to it. She scooted in closer and turned the book so that Carmilla could see what she was looking at. “This. Tell me about this day.”

Carmilla looked at the pages in front of her, littered mostly with posed pictures of her and their friends, sandwiched between ones of just her and Laura. She smiled when she took in the photo of the two of them in the bottom corner, mid-kiss, both smiling happily against each other’s lips.

“This is adorable,” Laura gushed, looking at the same picture for a moment, running her finger along the edge before looking back to Carmilla, smiling softly.

“Yeah, you actually didn’t even know I took it until later. Turns out I’m pretty good at distracting you with my lips.”

“Not at all shocking.”

She finally looked up, seeing Laura smiling softly at her as she did before the smaller girl leaned forward, pressing their lips together for a brief moment.

“Tell me the story.”

“Laura,” she sighed. “We don’t have to do this anymore.”

“We do if this helps you find your way back to us. Besides, I never said I was done hearing about us and our life together. I like these stories. I like that I learn stuff about you and… I like that I get to see them through your eyes.”

Carmilla just smiled, suddenly so amazingly grateful that Laura was Laura, and had the kindest heart of anyone she’d ever met. She leaned further back into the couch, the photo album now resting across her legs for them both to see, and smiled fondly and she drifted back in time.

* * *

**_Five Years and Six Months Earlier_ **

The sun beating down in the middle of the campus stadium was oppressive and far too hot for May. They’d been calling for rain all week and only changed the forecast at the last minute, making her roll her eyes and dread the event even more.

She hadn’t wanted to do this. All the pomp and circumstance meant nothing to her. Mattie had a show in New York and Will had an internship lined up as a glorified coffee-getter at one of the bigger law firms in Boston that had started the day before so neither could attend. And it wasn’t like her mother actually had any interest in watching her youngest child graduate from college. But Laura refused to entertain the idea that Carmilla would simply pass her finals, get her degree in the mail, and call it a day, sans the cap and gown.

“Carm, how many times do you get to graduate from college? You can’t just not be a part of the processional!”

“Actually, I can, cupcake,” she answered, not even looking up from the drawing pad in her lap, her fingers stained with the charcoal in hand. “It’s a stupid tradition and I have no interest in wearing some gross, hand-me-down robe and cap, sweating my ass off for hours while they announce hundreds of other names of people who I’ve never even met before and couldn’t care less about.”

“Carm…” Laura whined as she plopped down on the armrest of the couch behind Carmilla, wrapping her arms around the dark-haired girl’s neck. Carmilla just chuckled and shook her head, continuing her sketch.

Laura had nagged at her non-stop for the following weeks, the nagging eventually turning to begging and then bargaining before Carmilla finally relented but only on the condition that Laura immediately stop talking about it and take over dish duty and all the laundry until the big day. She’d been sure Laura wouldn’t agree to her terms but after the tiny brunette eagerly nodded, she realized she probably should’ve held out for more.

She looked up into the sky, squinting with a grimace, her dark sunglasses doing practically nothing to reduce the harsh glare from the sun’s rays. She’d been sitting here for almost an hour at that point, zoning in and out as different professors gave one speech after another, each one more boring and irrelevant than the last.

 _Come on, just wrap it up,_ she thought as she finally looked back up at the stage and shook her head as the 118 –year-old English professor that had been slowly droning on for what felt like an eternity finally wrapped up his overly used monolog and sat down.

She sat up a little straighter as a moment later, the dean of students finally started reading out the names of the graduates sitting around her, each student slowly walking across the stage and receiving a rolled up piece of paper that was blank on the inside, their actual diplomas already having been put in the mail for them to receive after the fact.

_Stupid traditions._

She zoned out once again, her ears only perking up when a familiar name was called.

“Melanippe Callis.” She smirked, chuckling softly as Mel crossed the stage, subtly scratching at her chin and shooting her middle finger in the direction of where Carmilla was sitting next to Kirsch. She subtly sent a hard elbow into his ribcage, effectively shaking him awake from the nap he’d started in on about five minutes into the ceremony.

“Huh! What? Where am I?” he loudly cried as he immediately gripped tightly to his chair, looking around comically and causing a few of the nearby students to laugh.

“You were starting to snore,” Carmilla said. “And I think you left a little drool on your gown there, frat boy.”

“Aw, dammit!” He started frantically wiping at his chest where a large, wet spot had blossomed. “Why’d you let me fall asleep, dude?”

“Because if there was ever a time to nap, it’s during this shit.”

He stopped his futile empty to dry his gown quicker and sat back in his chair once more, finally facing forward just as Mel moved back to her seat, laughing at the two of them.

“Hey, bad seed!” She heard the loud stage whisper from behind her and turned in her seat, catching sight of LaF in the row behind her and to her right. “Where’s Frosh? I haven’t seen her.”

Carmilla merely shrugged, nonchalantly looking around the sea of faces seated around them, but coming up empty.

“Maybe she didn’t come?”

“No, she’s got to be here, angry hottie,” Kirsch chirped up, frantically searching the other side of the spectators. “She wouldn’t miss your big day.”

“I did threaten to skip it,” she shrugged, still looking around, hoping she didn’t look as frantic as she suddenly felt.

“But even if you did, she’d still be here for LaF and Perry. And Mel.” He paused for a moment, digging into the pocket of his cargo shorts beneath his robe and coming out with a small bag of chips to snack on. “It’s going to be weird for her, you know? Being the only one still in school next year.”

“Did you seriously bring a bag of Doritos with you?” LaF loudly whispered once again.

“Are you honestly surprised by this, lab rat?”

“Now that you mention it, not really,” they shrugged. “What flavor are they? Can I have some?”

“Would you three stop it!” She turned in the other direction, seeing Perry glaring at them from a few rows back, obviously irritated with their inability to pay attention

She turned back, watching LaF simply shrug and sit back in their seat, refocusing on the stage in front of them, clearly not wanting to be put out on the couch that night.

Carmilla made one last sweeping glance through the seats around her, coming up empty once again before turning back in her own seat and sighing heavily in disappointment.

“I’m sure she’s here, dude,” he said, offering her up a chip.

 _But what if she’s not?_ she thought as she crunched into the snack, zoning out once more. Of course, she knew Laura wanted to support her and wouldn’t have ditched the event for any reason that wasn’t completely justified or unexpected. If she really wasn’t able to make it, Carmilla couldn’t and wouldn’t fault her for it. After all, **she** didn’t even want to be here. And the fact that now Laura was going to be the only one left, watching all of her friends move on, might not be a happy moment for the smaller girl. She frowned, hating that she hadn’t even thought of that before. It wasn’t like anyone was really going that far after graduation. They’d all still see each other and be able to spend time together. But… it would be different and she hated that she hadn’t thought about that fact and talked to Laura about it beforehand. The last thing she wanted was for the younger girl to be sad or to feel left out.

“Dude, come on. We’re up,” Kirsch said, standing next to her and nudging her with his giant right foot. She turned and noticed most of their row had already made their way up to the stage and she was apparently holding things up. She dragged herself out of her seat and slowly made her way towards the stage, taking one last subtle and fruitless look around as she waited for her name to be called.

“Carmilla Karnstein.” She slowly trudged up the makeshift staircase, removing her sunglasses as she did. She offered the dean a half-hearted handshake and moved across the stage, taking the symbolic degree offered to her before turning to walk back down the other side, and that’s when she heard it.

“I love you, Carm!” She turned in the direction of the voice, catching sight of an overly excited bundle of energy near the back of the stadium, and felt herself genuinely smile for the first time that day. Laura stood there, the only one standing in the whole place, Danny sitting in the seat next to her, politely clapping as though it was painful. She laughed at her girlfriend, shaking her head at the tiny brunette’s enthusiasm and finished making her way back towards her seat, sending a polite golf clap Kirsch’s way as she heard his name called next.

She sat back down, still smiling before turning slowly back towards Laura’s direction, unable to stop grinning when she saw her girlfriend staring right back at her, beaming wide and looking so proud. She chuckled and shook her head as she turned back towards the front, now wishing more than ever for this stupid ceremony to end.

“You’re so whipped,” LaF said with a toothy grin, bumping her shoulder from behind as their row made their way up to the stage.

“Am not,” she grumbled, making Kirsch laugh loudly in his seat next to her.

_And so what if I am? At least it’s by Laura._

* * *

The aftermath of the ceremony had been a little hectic. She’d lost sight of Carmilla not long after it ended and everyone had started disbursing, the crowd overwhelming as she attempted to search for her girlfriend.

“Where is she?” she whined, once again, looking in every direction, scanning through hundreds of unfamiliar faces trying to find the one she was looking for.

“We all agreed to meet here afterward,” LaF said from their spot on the grass next to Perry.

“Yes, I’m sure she’s on her way, sweetie,” Perry added, all excited smiles.

Laura sighed and turned away from her friends to resume her search. She’d been so happy when Carmilla had finally agreed to actually participate in the ceremony but she hadn’t been prepared for just how proud she’d feel, sitting there and actually seeing her graduate. She knew with Mattie and Will unable to come, it was a gamble in even pushing Carmilla to don the cap and gown and take part in the ‘ridiculously childish parade’, as the older girl had called it. But she didn’t want Carmilla to regret it if she skipped out.

Finally catching sight of dark hair and pale skin, she smiled from ear to ear and ran towards her girlfriend, her skirt blowing behind her as she did, jumping into Carmilla’s outstretched arms as they met.

“Gah! I’m so proud of you, Carm!” she said, peppering the other girl’s face with kisses.

“Yeah, I got that,” Carmilla said with a chuckle, pressing their foreheads together as she pulled Laura tighter against her. Laura just smiled harder, leaning in to kiss her girlfriend slowly, only breaking away when a few catcalls quickly came their way.

She turned ready to give the pig who dared call out to them a piece of her mind but stopped short when she came face to face with their friends, laughing heartily.

“Come on you two, we’re doing pictures and then dinner and then you can suck each other’s faces off,” Mel said, waving them over.

“Ugh, seriously?” Carmilla grumbled. “You’re going to subject me to more of this parading around shit?”

“It’s just a couple pictures, Carm. And a quick dinner. And then… I promise I’ll make it up to you when we get home,” Laura whispered into her ear, grinning when she heard a soft sigh leave her girlfriend’s lips.

Without waiting for a response, she turned and pulled Carmilla back towards the group, quickly arranging the six newly minted graduates into a series of static poses and snapping a few pictures. She thought it was fairly quick and painless but by the last photo, Kirsch was staring off in space, Betty was making googly eyes at Danny, LaF and Perry were bickering, Mel’s frustration was starting to boil over, and Carmilla looked like she’d never been more bored in her life.

“Alright, that’s enough,” she said, dismissing them, the group immediately disbanding and heading off towards the nearby parking lot, arguing over who was going to ride with who to dinner.

“You’re adorable when you pout, cupcake.” She felt Carmilla wrap her arms around her from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder as she did.

“I just… I just wanted to commemorate this day. I’m proud of you guys. And… I’m just really happy you’re here.”

“Well, then let’s commemorate this right, cutie,” Carmilla said as she took the camera from Laura’s hand and held it out in front of them, snapping the picture as soon as Laura started giggling.

She turned slightly, taking in Carmilla smiling softly at her and leaned over, letting their lips meet for a long moment, feeling them both smile into the kiss before pulling away.

“I love you,” she said quietly.

“I love you too, Laura.”

“Come on you two! We’re starving!” Kirsch yelled from across the quad, effectively breaking up the moment.

Laura just laughed and pulled Carmilla with her towards their friends, smiling harder when she heard the dark-haired girl growl behind her.

“Just remember. Making it up to you later,” she said, giggling in victory when Carmilla’s lips ever so slightly turned up at the corners.

* * *

**_Present_ **

Setting her worn copy of ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ down on the sofa’s armrest, she awkwardly attempted to turn the page with one hand, her other refusing to leave the softness of Carmilla’s locks as she continued to comb her fingers through her hair, the older girl laying along the couch, head cushioned on the pillow in Laura’s lap, fast asleep.

She looked down, taking in the peaceful expression on Carmilla’s face, and smiled. She was so incredibly happy when Carmilla had actually opened up to her and admitted what was wrong earlier. It may not have seemed like a big deal to most, but she knew it was a huge step for Carmilla, to not keep her closed off and in the dark.

And she had to admit, Carmilla had a point. The stories weren’t something she was ready to swear off, she’d just been too distracted by their current situation to bother asking for one over the last week. But it seemed that Carmilla needed them just as badly as she did at this point, even though their reasoning was different. It didn’t matter to Laura. As long as they were both happy, that was good enough.

She gave up on her book and turned her full attention to tracing the contours of Carmilla’s face with her eyes, the strong jaw and high cheekbones. The full, pouty lips and the gentle slope of her nose. The long eyelashes and perfect eyebrows. She carefully reached out, running a soft finger along the older girl’s chin, smiling when Carmilla slowly turned towards her touch but didn’t wake up.

_So beautiful. And for some strange and unbelievable reason, all mine._

She smiled once more before glancing at the clock and realizing it was already after midnight. She knew she needed to get some rest but the thought of leaving Carmilla’s side left her feeling so lonely and sad. She wanted the older girl to be there, next to her, when she crawled into bed that night. The fact that they still weren’t sleeping next to each other really was starting to get to her and she wondered whether she should say something. Originally, she understood why Carmilla was unwilling to bend on that aspect of their relationship, but the circumstances had changed. Pretty drastically, if she said so herself. Carmilla hadn’t mentioned it since the night of their first date. She might have changed her mind since then, but maybe she was just waiting for Laura to be ready.

_Which I so am!_

She had to try. It was driving her nuts sleeping in that big bed all alone with Carmilla on the other side of the house.

_Here goes nothing._

“Carm, wake up,” she said, gently shaking the other girl’s shoulder, causing her to rouse.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice already a little gravely and laced with sleep.

“Nothing,” Laura giggled. “Everything’s great.”

“It’s…” She watched Carmilla turn and squint towards the clock on the far wall for a few seconds before giving up and turning back. “Late,” she finished, making Laura giggle again.

“It is, I know. I’m about to head to bed and…” She trailed off for a moment, looking away, attempting to gather the courage she was looking for.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, cutie. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you,” she said as she finally became aware of her surroundings and slowly shuffled further down the couch, away from Laura, smiling sleepily at her once she’d moved. “There. Now you’re free.”

“I’m pretty sure I could’ve squeezed out from under you if I really wanted to,” Laura giggled, making no move to stand up. “I just…” She trailed off, looking into Carmilla’s curious dark eyes and smiled softly again, reaching out and running a hand down the side of Carmilla’s face, deciding to brave the possible rejection. “I was kind of hoping you’d come with me.”

“Come with you where?”

“To bed,” Laura ventured. “To our bed.”

Suddenly very awake, she opened her mouth to say something but then quickly shut it, her eyes curious.

“You… you want us to both sleep there?”

“That’s kind of why I asked,” she giggled nervously. “I mean… I hate that you’re still sleeping out here on the couch.”

“Laura, I don’t mind it. I mean, it’s not the best but… I’m okay out here,” she said with a shrug.

“But I don’t like it. I… I want you there when I fall asleep and when I wake up. It’s lonely in that big bed.” She paused for a second, still studying Carmilla’s face, but the older girl wasn’t giving anything away. “Look, if you aren’t ready, please be honest with me. I’ll understand. But, well, it’s not like it was a few weeks ago. We’re in a different place. We’re in a better place and I just… I want us to keep moving forward.”

Carmilla slowly turned away and sat up, her eyebrows furrowed as she turned back to Laura and Laura was sure an argument was forthcoming with the length of time it was taking her to answer.

“Are you… are you absolutely sure? Because I don’t want you doing this just because you think it’s what’s next on the list or because we **have** to. I want you to be comfortable. I want us both to be.”

Laura couldn’t stop the smile blooming across her face as she nodded and stood, offering Carmilla her hand and squeezing once when their fingers interlaced.

“Come on. I’m tired and I kind of want to wrap myself around you for a bit before I drift off to dreamland.”

Carmilla didn’t say anything more as Laura pulled her to her feet and out of the room, hitting the light switch as she did. They slowly made their way down the darkened hall, the only source of illumination coming from the moon, its beams streaking through the windows and bouncing off the hardwood floors.

She pulled Carmilla into their room, noticing she had to tug a little harder as they crossed over the threshold and couldn’t help but giggle at that fact.

“Why don’t you get changed while I go brush my teeth,” she suggested with one last hand squeeze before letting go, smiling when Carmilla just nodded.

She made her way into the bathroom, making quick work of our nightly routine before sitting down on the side of the tub to wait, wanting to make sure she didn’t make the other girl uncomfortable by barging in too early.

This was really happening. And she’d barely had to make a fuss at all for Carmilla to agree. She’d been so looking forward to this moment and now that it was finally here, she tried to calm the raging butterflies that had taken up residence in her stomach. She wasn’t lying when she’d told Carmilla weeks ago that the dark-haired girl made her nervous. And though she was far more comfortable with her at this point, that bubbling inside her just refused to go away.

 _I kind of hope it never does,_ she thought with a small smile as she finally stood and made her way out of the bathroom. She looked up, giggling at Carmilla who had already changed into her typical tank top and shorts and was sitting rigidly on the edge of the bed. Their eyes met and she smiled softly, hoping to put the other girl at ease.

“Did you need to brush yours?”

“Well, considering you were taking forever and my toothbrush is currently in the guest bathroom, I took the liberty of brushing them down the hall.”

“Yeah, you’re definitely moving all your stuff back to this bathroom tomorrow morning,” Laura said as she moved towards her side of the bed, pulling the covers back and sitting down.

She watched Carmilla stand and slowly follow suit, sliding in between the blankets on her own side, looking both relieved at the soft comfort and taut with worry at the same time, so very un-Carmilla-like. She giggled softly once again, turning off the lamp from her bedside table, bathing the room in darkness, and laying down on her side, facing her girlfriend.

“You know I don’t bite,” she said a moment later when Carmilla laid back on the very edge of the mattress, looking stiff as a board.

“Actually, I have to disagree with you there but I feel like that would be an incredibly inappropriate story to tell right now.”

 _Thank god it’s dark in here,_ she thought when she felt the blush instantly hit her cheeks.

Carmilla turned her head to the side and Laura watched the small teasing smile meet her lips, instantly putting her further at ease.

“Come here,” she said, reaching out to Carmilla and sighing in relief when the older girl slowly shuffled closer, stopping once they were finally touching. Laura let her arm fall across Carmilla’s torso, pulling her in closer and resting her head just inches away.

She smiled when she felt Carmilla release the breath she’d apparently been holding and relax into her embrace. A moment later she watched Carmilla turn onto her side, their eyes meeting in the dark, only inches apart. The dark-haired girl smiled softly at her, moving a hand up to her neck, tracing her thumb along her jaw.

“This is nice,” she said, her voice quiet in the dark.

“It is,” Laura agreed, turning slightly into Carmilla’s touch. “Though it could be nicer.”

“How so?”

“Closer,” Laura said as she rolled onto her back, pulling Carmilla flush against her side and leaving a soft kiss on her forehead when dark locks cascaded across her shoulder, Carmilla inhaling against her skin.

“I’ve missed you,” Carmilla whispered just a few minutes later, her fingers gently tickling along Laura’s hip over her clothes. “So much.”

“I’m here, Carm,” she said, running her own fingers along Carmilla’s back and leaving another soft kiss on her head. “I’m here.”

She laid there, reveling in the moment… in the feeling for at least another hour. She felt Carmilla melt against her, the older girl’s breathing slowly evening out as she drifted off to sleep. How had she gone months without this? Even if she didn’t know what she was missing…

It felt so amazing. So perfect and safe. It felt like…

_It’s like coming home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think. I appreciate all of you.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	28. My Love Must Be A Kind Of Blind Love, I Can't See Anyone But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some adulting, some fun, and some jealous Laura...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I mentioned a while back that all the chapters are named after a song or a lyric. Well, an awesome individual, speakingwithoutpermission, actually made a really cool playlist for the fic, featuring all the songs (with new stuff being added as it’s posted) and it’s pretty awesome. So if you want some super randomness (because my brain is this jacked up) make sure you all check it out on Spotify, "What's Yours Is Mine, Always by blue_bolt
> 
> [What's Mine is Yours, Always](https://open.spotify.com/user/blue_bolt/playlist/5WjqS6hZMNtMrGJy8y3Azs?si=5KcD1IspThCpoe5mz-_11Q&nd=1)
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

“Shit,” she grumbled as the keys feel onto the floor with a loud clatter, echoing down the empty hallway. She shoved her bag behind her and quickly scooped them up, eager to get inside.

She was late. She was supposed to have been home over an hour ago but had gotten held up with scheduling and arguing for an extra thirty minutes with JP over a shoot he was pushing her to take. It was definitely worth the money and the exposure, but it meant she’d be traveling just before Christmas for five days.

She knew she needed to do it. She’d finally gotten to a place in her career over the last year and a half where her name actually meant something and she could be much more selective on which jobs she did and didn’t want to take between working on her own stuff. And she didn’t want to lose the momentum she’d gained and worked so hard for. But the idea of leaving Laura for that long, just before the holidays made her stomach churn. Especially considering this would be their new ‘first Christmas’ and knowing how much Laura loved the holidays, she wanted to make this one as memorable as their original first.

 _I’ll deal with it later,_ she thought, just wanting to put the day behind her and enjoy an evening out with her girlfriend… and their friends, of course. It had been Betty, party girl extraordinaire, who had suggested the night out to a new club that had just opened up across town. And when she saw Laura perk up at the idea, she knew she couldn’t say no to her adorably excited smile.

They’d been sitting together at the kitchen island, Laura already showered and dressed, and Carmilla having just rolled out of bed, both smiling and enraptured with each other as they’d sipped their coffee with one hand, their other hands locked together on top of the kitchen island, when Betty’s idea came through Laura’s phone screen in a group text. She’d agreed with a smile as soon as Laura had asked her if she was up for it, the tiny brunette bouncing in her seat as she replied that they’d be there while Carmilla kissed her on the cheek and sauntered back to the bathroom to get herself ready for the day, completely refreshed and recharged.

It was the best night of sleep she’d had in months, even since before the accident, only waking up once just after three, lying on her side with Laura spooned against her back, holding her tight, the tiny brunette’s face buried into the back of her neck, the smaller girl’s breath tickling the downy hairs there. She’d smiled at the familiar feeling that she’d missed so much, tucked herself back against Laura even tighter, and had fallen back to sleep. She’d desperately missed sleeping next to the smaller girl over the last couple of months and hoped like hell that she’d never have to leave their bed again unless absolutely necessary.

She unlocked and opened the front door, stepping inside and chuckling when she realized Laura had cleaned, again. The smaller girl was waiting to hear back on the article she’d submitted to The Independent and this was par for the course, though it was the first time she’d seen their crown molding shine like this since before the accident. The routine was always the same for the bigger name publishers; Laura would write something, send it in, breathe a sigh of relief while she worked on other projects, and then when it came close to the time to hear back, she’d spend the days anxiously cleaning and attempting to take her mind off of whether or not it would be accepted by that particular publication. It was one of the fallbacks of freelancing, not having a definite spot for her articles to be displayed on a regular basis. Luckily, Laura was a fantastic writer and the majority of her articles got picked up by one publication or another and Carmilla rarely had to go into cheerleader mode in order to pick the smaller girl up when she received a rejection.

Carmilla set her things down neatly in the corner, so as not to disturb anything, looking around the empty kitchen and making her way towards the living room, searching for Laura.

“Cupcake?” she called out after discovering the living room also empty.

“In the bedroom!” Carmilla nodded and pulled her coat off, dropping it on the rack near the door as she passed, and made her way down the hall.

“I’m sorry I’m late. But just let me grab a quick shower and then we can-” She stopped, taking in the sight of Laura standing in front of the dresser mirror, fresh-faced, tight jeans, fitted, off the shoulder shirt that didn’t quite cover her torso, hair up exposing her elegant neck, putting a necklace on to finish her ensemble.

_Damn. There’s skin._

“Hey!” She smiled, turning and stepping towards Carmilla, wrapping her arms around the older girl’s waist as she kissed her hello. “And don’t worry about it. LaF texted and said Perry got held up too so we’re leaving later. You still have about an hour to get ready before they’ll be here with the taxi.”

Carmilla just nodded dumbly and swallowed hard, as Laura stepped around her and left the room. Unable to help herself, she leaned backward, peering out and watching Laura heading down the hallway, unable to focus on anything but the slight sway of her hips, before taking a deep breath and shuffling towards the bathroom in the hope of cooling off with a few minutes alone.

It was getting harder and harder to keep her hands to herself when Laura was around. Initially, it had been an issue with simply not being able to reach for Laura’s hand or wrap her arm around the smaller girl’s waist when they walked side by side. But it had definitely taken an entirely different turn now that those things were frequent and commonplace again. And now that they were actually **sleeping** together in the same bed again, it was just going to be that much more difficult not to have her way with Laura. Their almost constant close proximity was a huge challenge.

She knew it was both of them holding back at this point and, thankfully, it had seemed to work out in their favor with each being a little reticent at different times when things were heating up between them. She really wanted them both to be completely sure and ready before they took that next step and it just didn’t seem to be the right time yet, despite what her hormones were screaming at her.

She knew Laura was just nervous, same as she had been all those years ago, the irony of the similarities not at all lost on her. She could still read the smaller girl like a book, knowing a moment before she actually pulled away any time things were getting too hot and heavy that Laura wanted to stop. And that was fine. She appreciated the fact that Laura wasn’t taking everything in their relationship at warp speed. Carmilla needed to slow down sometimes just as often, still trying to figure out how to completely rectify the Old Laura vs. New Laura situation. It was getting a little easier each day, but she knew it would be a while before it wasn’t sitting in the back of her mind, a constant reminder to her that while it was still Laura, some things had changed.

She loved Laura, no less than she had before the accident. That hadn’t changed and it wasn’t going to. But that didn’t mean this was easy and clear-cut. Laura had lost seven years of their life together. And as they were rebuilding, she wanted to make sure they were doing it right, just like the first time around. Of course, she was also human and had to admit that this time around things were a little harder. Because, dear god, how she missed Laura in those intimate moments.

Twenty minutes later, after a cold shower and six pep talks to get her shit together, she finally found herself calm enough to trust herself not to immediately jump the smaller girl the second she walked out of the bathroom.

She sighed in relief when she noticed their bedroom was still empty and that she could hear the tiny brunette in the kitchen, laughing on the phone. She closed the bedroom door, not wanting to tempt herself, or fate, in any way and began picking out her own clothes for the evening.

She hurried back into the bathroom a moment later, drying her hair into subtle waves and finishing her makeup before she quickly threw on one of the numerous pairs of leather pants from the closet, her black corseted top, and her signatures boots, and made her way out towards the kitchen.

“Alright, yeah, well, I just heard Carmilla get out of the shower so we’ll just meet you downstairs in like ten minutes,” she heard Laura say as she hung up her phone and turned back, eyes widening just a touch, mouth dropping open when their eyes met and Carmilla saw the heat in those honey brown irises.

 _Well at least I’m not the only one who’s going to struggle tonight,_ she thought with a smirk, purposely running a finger down Laura’s arm as she passed, pleased with the trail of goosebumps she left in her wake.

* * *

The lights flashing along with the loud bass was a little overwhelming. These types of clubs were never really her scene but she’d wanted a night out. She had too much energy flowing through her limbs and she needed to blow off the steam somehow. Of course, sitting in the raised back corner with LaF, Perry, Danny, and Betty watching the sea of bodies swaying around the room, wasn’t helping at the moment. Especially when so many of those bodies kept approaching her girlfriend, all seductive smiles and putting their hands in places they shouldn’t and…

_I swear to god, if one more girl tries to slide their number in her pants pocket all sexy and grabbing at her I’m going to krav maga the little tramp in the face!_

“Laura, dear?”

“Huh?” She realized her friends were trying to get her attention but there was no way her eyes were leaving Carmilla who was currently trying to navigate her way back to their table.

_What the hell? We’ve only been here for half an hour and she’s been hit on by like ten different girls!_

“Hollis!”

“What? I’m listening,” she said, still refusing to turn her head, even when she heard her friends start to laugh, apparently at her expense.

“Oh man, this is great! I haven’t seen the Hollis green-eyed-monster in years!” LaF said, rubbing their hands together in glee.

“What?!” Now that caught her attention, her incredulous gaze swinging back to the group. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re totally right. I think the last time I saw her like this was the summer after you guys all graduated and we went to that hole-in-the-wall bar for Kirsch’s birthday. There was that one girl who basically forced herself onto Karnstein’s lap in the middle of our booth and tried to stick her tongue down her throat. Laura actually ended up tackling the girl to get her off of her,” Danny supplied, still laughing before turning to Laura. “It used to be every time we went out, Carmilla would get hit on by half the bar and you’d end up losing it. You’d gotten better over the last few years though and hadn’t let it get to you so much. Guess you’re back to square one.”

“Shut up, Danny, I’m fine,” she grumbled, attempting to appear normal as Carmilla finally rejoined them, sliding into the seat next to her and handing her the bottled water she’d requested before draping her arm around Laura’s shoulders. Laura felt herself go stiff as soon as Carmilla touched her and cringed at her mistake when Carmilla looked at her curiously.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, squeezing her once.

“Nothing! I didn’t say anything,” she said, her voice an octave higher than normal.

“You look weird. What happened in the few minutes I was gone?”

“Jealous Laura showed up,” LaF offered, smiling hard for a minute until Perry elbowed them in the side.

“Oh, really?” Carmilla smirked. “Jealous Laura, huh? Man, I haven’t seen her for a while.”

“Okay, all of you shut up, I’m not jealous! What do I have to be jealous of?” she squeaked.

“Well, that’s normally my question to you, Hollis,” Carmilla said, still smiling as she leaned in closer.

“It was the brunette,” LaF supplied, dodging another elbow from Perry and making the others laugh once again. “And then the blonde and then the other brunette.”

Laura sent a glare their way, feeling her cheeks heat up in embarrassment. She knew it probably wasn’t necessary to feel the way she did. After all, it was more than obvious how Carmilla felt about her, but she just couldn’t seem to help it.

“Cupcake?”

“I said I’m fine,” she said petulantly, refusing to look at her girlfriend. She heard Carmilla chuckle softly in her ear as she leaned in even further, her lips brushing against Laura’s lobe as she spoke again.

“You know, it used to be that when you’d get like this, you made sure everyone in the place knew I was yours,” she whispered, ending with a soft kiss just below Laura’s ear, making the smaller girl shiver despite her frustration. “What do you say, cutie?”

She turned, her gaze meeting Carmilla’s, those dark eyes dancing with mirth, making her stomach do a little flip. She felt the dark-haired girl reach up, running her thumb across her bottom lip and then the fading scar on her chin, making her breath hitch and Carmilla smirk once again.

“What… what do you mean?”

Carmilla chuckled once again before pulling back and standing, her eyes never leaving Laura’s as she held out her hand, waiting for the tiny brunette to take it. She hesitated all of half a second before allowing Carmilla to pull her up and away from their friends, who she noted were still laughing at her.

_Jerks._

Carmilla smiled at her one last time before turning and leading her down the stairs and through the crowd, her grip never letting up. Finally turning when they reached the center of the dance floor, Laura felt Carmilla reach for her hips, pulling her close but staying completely still as Laura stared back, wide-eyed and waiting.

“Well, what do you say, cutie? Want to show all my adoring fans who I really belong to?” she asked, playfully wiggling her eyebrows.

“You are so cocky!” Laura fired back, unable to stop the smile coming to her lips and making Carmilla laugh in the process.

“Hey, I just give the people what they want,” Carmilla said, her eyes still playful.

“The people? Why do you care what the people want?”

“I actually don’t. But I know what **I** want. And that’s you, cutie.”

“Oh my god, how in the hell did you ever land me with these cheesy lines?” Laura giggled, sighing happily when Carmilla just smiled back at her.

“Hey, I got you to smile and stop thinking about it, didn’t I?” Laura felt the hands on her hips briefly squeeze and couldn’t help but giggle again.

She pulled Laura flush against her, starting to move their bodies to the rhythm of the music and Laura swallowed hard as she felt Carmilla’s thumbs brush across her sides, just under the hem of her shirt. She looked into her girlfriend’s face, the smirk still there but softer somehow, her eyes expectant, waiting for something. She reached up, gripping Carmilla’s wrists and squeezing tight for half a second before running her hands up Carmilla’s bare arms, finally wrapping them around the dark-haired girl’s neck and pulling her closer, moving her own hips along with the rhythm Carmilla had set. She saw the question leave Carmilla’s eyes, replaced by something else entirely, darkening just a tad.

Unable to help herself, she leaned in, pressing their lips together with force, holding Carmilla there, locked against her for a long moment before pulling away, taking pleasure in the fact that Carmilla bit at her own lip as she did, the older girl apparently feeling something else at the moment.

“See, cupcake?” she said just loud enough for Laura to hear over the music, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m yours and you’re mine. And now everyone here knows it.”

“That’s kind of possessive of you, you know? What do you think I am, your property?” she teased.

“Not even close,” Carmilla chuckled, her voice dropping an octave as she leaned in, leaving their lips less than an inch apart. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t mine though.”

Laura just smiled and leaned forward, closing the gap, and kissing her once again. She really kind of liked the sound of that.

* * *

“How you doing, Hollis?” Carmilla asked as they walked into the mostly darkened house a few hours later, the only light coming from the soft illumination of one of the smaller lamps in the living room that she’d insisted on leaving lit.

“I’m fine,” she mumbled petulantly as she dropped her jacket and kicked off her shoes, making her way into the living room and pacing back and forth in front of the bookshelves.

“You sure about that?” she heard Carmilla call after her.

“No,” she groaned, not bothering to raise her voice so that Carmilla could hear her.

She’d actually been having a really good time, dancing with Carmilla, feeling the other girl so close as they moved against each other, and the impromptu make-out session against the back wall midway through had been a nice surprise. Brief as someone had bumped into them, pushing Carmilla away from her, but still nice. She’d laughed with her friends after they stopped teasing her, of course, and had enjoyed the music and the people watching. And then…

They were getting ready to leave, everyone having just finished their last round when another blonde approached her girlfriend, the girl the most brazen and flirtatious one she’d seen that night, practically offering herself up then and there, even though Carmilla’s hand was still firmly latched on to Laura’s. Carmilla had attempted to quickly brush the other girl off but apparently, she would not be deterred, and Laura completely lost it when the blonde leaned in, reaching out for Carmilla’s hip, her hand meeting Carmilla’s skin, her fingertips brushing beneath the waist of her pants as she whispered something in her ear. After all, she hadn’t even gotten to put her hands there yet! Or at least, not that she could remember.

“Hey! Back off!”

She hadn’t even realized the warning had come from her own mouth until she found herself stepping between the two, knocking the blonde back a step in confusion.

“Excuse me!” The blonde looked at her distastefully, her eyes challenging, and Laura just about went through the roof.

She felt Carmilla hold her back, as she began to scramble forward, the dark-haired girl’s arms quickly sliding around her waist as she went after the blonde once again, acting exactly like the jealous girlfriend she was and far too riled up to be even slightly mortified at her behavior. Carmilla had lifted her just enough to spin them both around and place her body between Laura’s and the spawn of Satan trying to get into her girlfriend’s pants, even as the other girl continued to advance on them.

With a firm ‘No thanks’ thrown out behind them, Carmilla had herded her out of the club, arms still wrapped tightly around her from behind, even as she continued to sling insults at the other girl, and quickly hailed a cab to share with LaF and Perry, the entire drive back incredibly uncomfortable as LaF poked fun at her until the taxi had dropped them off.

“Laura?” She glanced up, seeing Carmilla leaning against the doorway of the room, staring at her intently.

“I’m fine, Carmilla,” she shrugged, still feeling a little unsure of herself, continuing to pace.

“Cutie, you have nothing to be jealous of,” she said, smiling gently but her eyes completely serious as she made her way into the room, stopping Laura in her tracks. She reached for her hands, intertwining their fingers and sliding her thumbs back and forth across Laura’s knuckles. “Talk to me.”

“I just… ugh, all those girls, flirting with you and trying to buy you drinks and giving you their numbers,” she pouted before tacking on softly, “trying to take you home.”

She looked up when Carmilla chuckled softly, the dark-haired girl smiling at her as she let go of Laura’s hands and moved closer, pulling her in by her hips until their bodies were flush.

“And look who I actually went home with. The incredibly spunky, super dorky, and amazingly beautiful brunette, who I will **always** go home with and to. No exceptions.”

She stared deeply into those endlessly dark eyes, seeing the truth there. Seeing how much Carmilla really cared about her. Seeing how much…

“What’re you thinking about right now?” Carmilla asked, her brow furrowing as she had clearly expected a different reaction from Laura than complete silence.

Laura just shrugged, finally looking away, unable to help the guilt she felt gnawing at her stomach at that moment. Carmilla loved her so much that sometimes, she just couldn’t understand how it was possible to care that deeply about another person. And she knew that she still couldn’t fully grasp just how deep the other girl’s feelings for her went. But she hated that she couldn’t reciprocate those feelings yet. She cared about Carmilla, absolutely. The dark-haired girl was so incredibly important to her at this juncture and she knew, without a doubt, she was definitely falling for the older girl. She was stuck though, in the fact that she wanted those feelings back and she wanted them now so that this relationship didn’t feel so heavily one-sided. Yet, at the same time, she found herself struggling with just how quickly her feelings were developing for Carmilla. They hadn’t been dating that long, and yes the circumstances were a little out in left field, causing her feelings to become amplified that much quicker, but it still felt like she just couldn’t catch her breath.

“Hey.” She looked up, realizing the silence between them had stretched on for far longer than it should have, taking in Carmilla’s expression and seeing the obvious worry there. “Did I… did I do something wrong? Or say something wrong?”

“No! No to both of those things. I’m sorry, I just spaced for a second,” she shrugged, hoping it would be enough, but of course, this was Carmilla, who she thought sometimes knew her better than she knew herself, so it wasn’t even close to believable.

“Look, Laura, all those other girls, they don’t matter to me. You know that, right? I told every single one of them tonight that I have a girlfriend and that I wasn’t interested. I’m… I’m not like that. I’m not interested in having anyone else, except for you. That’s… that’s not how this relationship works.”

“I do know that, Carm! And no, you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? I know you don’t want anyone else! I… I trust you. I just… I got in my head.” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as she processed her thoughts. “Sometimes, since this is still so new to me, I forget that you’ve already seen me at my worst and that you’re still here. I forget that I don’t have to be perfect and keep up this amazing façade so that you won’t go looking for someone else. Tonight, those girls were looking for you and I guess…. I just got it flipped around in my head a bit.”

“Laura, I meant it when I said you are the one I will always come home to. Those other girls, they could offer themselves up on a silver platter surrounded by money, chocolate, and champagne and that still wouldn’t change,” she said, causing Laura to giggle.

“I know. I guess, just between my own issues and the fact that… well, the fact that they were pretty much all sure things and you came home with… I just, well, I have my own insecurities too, Carm.”

“What do you mean, ‘sure things’?” She looked up, seeing the clear confusion on Carmilla’s face and once again cursed her wretched foot in mouth disease.

“Just… well…”

“Are you suggesting that you’re not a sure thing? Whatever the hell that is?” Carmilla asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I just… I’m sure that half the women there would’ve been more than happy to take you home tonight. Not that I would want you to or that you would go with them or anything, because, I mean, we’re together and I know you’re not like that. But…” she mumbled again, staring down at her feet, unable to continue and hating that she’d even said anything in the first place.

“So if I would’ve gone home with one of these other girls I’d have been guaranteed sex?”

“Well, duh! I mean, again, I know you’re not a cheater. I know you wouldn’t actually do it. It’s just… well, I mean, we aren’t sleeping together yet and… well…”

She trailed off once again when Carmilla started laughing softly, pulling her closer as she did. She looked up, wondering what in the world was so funny, only to see Carmilla’s signature smirk was back.

“Cutie, no, we aren’t. But I will take coming home with you to clean the bathroom with a toothbrush over going home with any of those other girls. And you know how much I hate to clean the bathroom,” she teased and Laura finally felt a small smile crack across her lips.

“Really?” she asked, her eyes brightening just a little.

“Always. I… I love you, cupcake,” she said, still smiling but turning serious. “You’re the only one I’ll ever want.”

Laura felt that. Right in her chest and unable to do anything else, she buried her face in Carmilla’s neck and squeezed her close.

This… this was exactly what was haunting her. Carmilla was so absolutely and utterly head over heels for her and this amazing girl deserved someone who was just as crazy about her. She so desperately wanted to be that person. She wanted to make Carmilla feel as safe and as wonderful as she made Laura feel. She was trying so hard but… well, what was she supposed to do? She couldn’t change how she felt with a magic wand and the flick of a wrist.

_Yeah, you can’t make yourself love her but you sure as heck can make yourself crazy jealous over nothing because you know darn well you are the only one she wants. Dammit, Hollis, get it together._

“Can I ask you something?” she asked after a moment of silence, hoping to move away from those feelings before they completely overwhelmed her.

“Of course.”

“Do you, or did you, ever get jealous?” she asked, pulling her head back so she could see Carmilla’s face.

“Unfortunately, yes, it’s popped up a couple of times,” Carmilla answered, still smiling.

“Well, how do you deal with it?”

“Well, normally I don’t shove the girl in question,” she teased, making Laura’s lips twitch ever so slightly. “I do tend to glare.”

“You do have a very menacing glare.”

“This is true. But, honestly, even if everyone in the place is hitting on you and I’m about ready to come unglued, all it takes is to see you looking up at me, like I’m the only one there, and it’s enough,” she said with a shrug and Laura couldn’t help but smile softly at that.

“You do look at me like that sometimes,” she said, her voice soft.

“Probably more than sometimes.”

Laura laughed again before pulling Carmilla closer, resting her forehead against the other girl’s.

“I’m sorry I got jealous.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be but, you’re human and it happens sometimes. Just as long as you know that I’ll be right here at the end of the day.”

“Danny and LaF said I hadn’t done this in a long time though. That, apparently, I’d been fine with half the population throwing themselves at you.”

“Hmm, I don’t know if I’d say you’re fine with it but, I guess we’d just gotten more comfortable with each other. You just didn’t see the need to pound your chest and mark your territory anymore,” she teased. “Normally, you just let it pass but, you still find a way to get the more persistent people to back off.”

“I should probably take a lesson from old me.”

“You’ll get there, cutie,” she said, leaving a soft, reassuring kiss on Laura’s lips. “Just remember that you’re it for me.”

Laura swallowed hard at the thought and pulled Carmilla tighter once again, unable to convey her own feelings verbally but wanting the older girl to know exactly how much she cared.

* * *

**_Five Years Earlier_ **

She trudged up the stairs, sorting through the mail in her hands as she did and squirming with each new piece of correspondence. Electric bill. Rent. Past due phone bill. Weekly letter to Laura from Sherman about all the excitement in Toronto, most likely with a small check for her to ‘have some fun with.’ Dental bill from her recent cleaning.

_Fuck. I wonder if there are any other bars hiring._

Not like she really had the availability to take on another full-time job. She was already picking up almost forty hours a week at the bar, plus another fifteen to twenty at one of the local record trade-in stores that needed seasonal help. And that was in addition to any and all photography jobs she could get her hands on. So far she’d only really been able to land small family photo gigs, and between the three jobs, it still wasn’t enough. And it was definitely going to be a problem next month when her student loans would be adding themselves to her monthly debt.

She did a quick calculation in her head based off what she knew was in her bank account and what she knew was in her pocket, plus the money Laura always put up for her share of the bills and felt a slight wave of relief. She knew they could get by next month but she really was going to have to figure something else out come January. Especially if she wanted to get Laura that new laptop the tiny brunette had her eye on for Christmas. Her old one was barely hanging on by a thread at this point and it was only a matter of time before it completely crashed and ate everything on her drive.

She knew Laura wouldn’t be expecting such a lavish gift from her, considering the circumstances, but she wanted her girlfriend to have it. Laura only had a few months left of school herself and she would need a good computer to get started once she got out into the job world. She’d actually just watched that morning as Laura used a paperclip, a rubber band, and a number two pencil to keep the machine up and running just long enough to submit her paper for her political science class before packing for her trip that weekend with their friends up north to Mel’s parent’s cabin.

She unlocked and opened the door to their apartment, the mail hanging at her side and stepped in, her brow instantly furrowing when she caught sight of Laura sitting on the couch, newspaper in hand, chewing on the end of her pen as she apparently tried to figure out that day’s word scramble.

“What’re you doing here, cupcake?” she asked in surprise as the door closed behind her.

“Waiting for my beautiful girlfriend to come home from work so I can kiss her senseless,” Laura said with a bright smile as she set her things aside and stood, immediately moving into Carmilla’s already open arms, their lips meeting softly as she did.

“Well, that’s a fantastic way to be greeted, and not that I’m complaining, but seriously, why are you still here? You guys were supposed to have left hours ago.”

“They did. I… I decided not to go,” Laura shrugged.

“What? Why? Cutie, you’ve been looking forward to this for weeks now,” she said, reaching up to cup Laura’s cheek.

“I know, I was. But then… well, you weren’t going to be able to come,” she said with a shrug.

Carmilla frowned and shook her head, hating that she was the reason Laura had backed out. She’d initially agreed to go as well but then after looking at her bank account and being able to wrangle up a few extra shifts at the bar, had decided to stay back. But it was the first weekend everyone had been available since the week after graduation and Laura had been so thrilled about the idea, she’d practically talked of nothing else for days.

“Laura, you should’ve gone,” she sighed. “You haven’t gotten to spend that much time with your friends in months and… well, I’m only really going to be here tonight anyway because I’m working pretty much non-stop the next couple of days.”

“I still didn’t want to leave you here, by yourself, with all of us gone. It just… it didn’t feel right.” She shrugged once again, before smiling softly and bouncing out of Carmilla’s arms. “Besides, someone’s pictures of the mayor made it into the paper today!” she sing-songed, reaching for one of the discarded sections on the coffee table and holding it up for Carmilla to see. “Look at that! Front page baby!”

Carmilla took in the photos, her photos, of the Silas mayor, sitting in his office and with his family at his beautiful home, just across town. They weren’t that great, and it was a complete fluke that she’d even gotten the job but two other photographers who were actually on staff at the paper had picked up the nasty flu that was going around for the season and after one of her old professors put her name out there as a possible backup, the Silas Times took a chance on her  unknown name for this particular spread. She had absolutely no interest in photojournalism, but still, it was a paycheck, even if it was just for some local-yokel newspaper.

Laura continued to smile at her, stepping closer so that their shoulders brushed, leaving a soft kiss on her cheek, holding the newsprint in front of them both as if it was the most precious thing in the world.

“So what does this have to do with you skipping a weekend of fun with your friends?” Carmilla asked, trying to take the attention off of her.

“Well, I know it’s not like a national paper or anything, but still, this is really cool, Carm. I thought, maybe we could go out and celebrate or something?” The eagerness in Laura’s eyes made it impossible for her not to let a small smile touch her lips.

“That’s really nice, Laura. And I appreciate it, but I think I’ll skip this particular outing.”

“Why?” she asked, instantly pouting.

“Hate to break it to you, cutie, but my celebration budget is equivalent to the expired canned vegetables in the cupboard right now.”

“Well, this is my treat,” she argued, the smile immediately returning to her face. “And it won’t be much more expensive than those vegetables, but I was thinking we could go get a pizza? Maybe some ice cream? And just… spend the evening together, just us?”

She looked so excited and eager that Carmilla just couldn’t say no.

_Like you can ever say no to her._

* * *

Twenty minutes later after a couple of slow kisses and more gushing, they were just about to walk into their go-to pizza place just a few blocks away when Laura’s phone buzzed from her pocket. Glancing at it quickly, she smiled and turned to Carmilla.

“It’s my dad.”

“Okay, well, I’ll go inside and see if they’ve got our order ready and take care of it. You talk to him.” Laura nodded with a smile and squeezed Carmilla’s hand once before letting go, watching as she walked into the restaurant.

“Hey dad!” she answered on the fourth ring.

“Hi, pumpkin, I just wanted to make sure you got on the road okay and arrived safe and sound at the cabin.”

Even close to three thousand miles away, he obviously couldn’t shake his overprotectiveness.

“Well, thanks for checking but I actually decided not to go.”

“Why? I thought you were looking forward to it.”

“I was. But I’ll go with them next time. Hopefully when it’s warmer and we can enjoy the water and stuff. Just, well, this time, Carmilla wasn’t going to be able to make it and I just felt bad leaving her all by herself.”

That was most of the truth at least.

“Laura, you can’t ignore your friends just because your girlfriend asks you to,” he chastised, his voice bordering on the gruff tone he seemed to always use when they talked about Carmilla.

“Dad, she didn’t ask me not to go. She thought I was still going until she came home from work and realized I was still here. And she already gave me the ‘you were looking forward to this, you should’ve gone’ speech. So don’t blame Carmilla.”

“Sweetie, I just…” She heard him sigh heavily and she knew what was coming. “I know you care about her and this whole new and in love thing is great. But, well she can’t be the only piece of your life.”

“Dad, we’ve been together for two years now, it’s not that new. And I’ve told you this already. She’s not the only part of my life. I have friends, I have school, I have my job at the school paper, I… had my job at the Journal.”

“Had?”

“Cutbacks,” she admitted, her voice taking on a defeated tone. “Starting next week. The first to go were the couple lowly college kids who basically just do lunch runs and filing.”

She’d picked up the job at the District Journal not too long after she’d moved in with Carmilla, wanting to pull her own weight and contribute. It was only part-time work and she was more than able to manage, but her hours had already been cut back a few months ago as the paper’s purse strings had gotten tighter and now…

“Oh, pumpkin, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s okay. I can still put it on my resume and I’m already looking for something else to replace it.”

“Why do you need to replace it? I know it’s unpaid, but you still have your position at the school paper. Doesn’t this leave you with more time on your schedule for that and your school work?”

“Well, in an ideal world, sure,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I need money, dad. Rent isn’t free.”

“Sweetie, if you need money-”

“No! I’ll be okay. I have a little saved up and I already have a few options open that will let me work part-time until graduation.”

_The dining hall, super glamorous._

“Well, isn’t Carmilla working? Why can’t she take care of the rent for a while? She better not be taking advantage of you!” The gruff tone was back.

“Dad, stop. For one, having Carmilla cover me is so not even an option. That would be incredibly unfair of me to ask,” she countered, pulling her own argumentative tone out. If he could do it, so could she. After all, she was a Hollis too. “And secondly, don’t get on her about taking advantage of anyone. She’s working her butt off right now.”

But doing what, she wasn’t about to reveal to her dad. Sherman had already made the jab at Carmilla about staying a bartender all her life. He didn’t need to know that she now did that more than anything else in addition to her other part-time job considering she just couldn’t seem to get her foot in the door anywhere else.

“I’m not trying to get on her case, Laura, I just…” he trailed off with a sigh, clearly frustrated but unwilling to argue any further.

It seemed like this argument was coming up more and more lately; whether or not Carmilla was good enough for Laura. Sherman seemed to be of the opinion that she was not and never would be. And while Laura valued his opinion on many things, this was one subject she wasn’t budging on and every time the standoff started, it seemed to end with both being overly frustrated with the other. Frankly, Laura was starting to get sick of it. She understood her dad was just looking out for her but Carmilla had never given him any reason to dislike her as much as he did.

“Anyway, the offer for money stands. If you need help, just let me know.”

“Noted,” she said, though she knew she’d never ask.

“Well, I’ll uh… I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing,” he said, clearly uncomfortable.

“Okay.”

“I… I miss you, kid.”

“I miss you too, dad. I’ll talk to you later,” she said with a small smile as she hung up, attempting to shake off the mini-spat and focus on something else. She sighed and turned, looking through the storefront of the pizzeria, seeing her girlfriend standing near the counter and felt her worries shift from her dad to her and Carmilla’s current situation.

They hadn’t expected to be this bad off financially at this point. Laura had insisted on sitting down and making a plan with charts and projections as soon as Carmilla’s graduation was over in preparation for the coming year. She figured they’d be more than fine with her still working part-time at the District Journal and Carmilla picking up more hours at the bar. What she hadn’t planned on was her hours getting cut back and then the coming-soon layoff from the newspaper. She also didn’t know that what Carmilla made from the bar actually only covered part of the rent on their apartment and that she’d been using part of her student loans to cover the rest, plus all her other expenses. Now, with that no longer being an option, it hadn’t taken long for them to burn through what little they had saved.

She really wished she would’ve known that she wouldn’t have her job before she’d gotten Carmilla her Christmas present; the antique camera that they’d come across walking by one of the vintage thrift stores just a few weeks ago. Carmilla had caught sight of it in the window and had immediately fallen in love with it. They’d gone in to get a better look, Carmilla immediately cringing and putting it back on its display pedestal once she saw the price tag. Laura couldn’t just not get it for her though. The way Carmilla’s eyes had lit up was something to behold so she’d ventured back to the shop a few days later, with LaF in tow, in order to try and haggle the price down.

She shook her head, attempting to clear it once again. She could think about this later. She didn’t need to spend the one night she’d actually have with Carmilla, worrying about the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if thens’.

She opened the door to the mostly empty pizzeria and stepped inside, immediately being greeted with an over the top giggle. Looking up she noticed the cashier, pushing a pizza box across the counter towards her girlfriend, smiling and batting her eyelashes like her life depended on it.

_Great, this again?_

Shaking her head, she made her way towards the front of the shop, wrapping her arms around Carmilla from behind and leaving a soft, slow kiss just below the other girl’s ear, watching with delight as the cashiers smile immediately faded.

“Miss me?” she asked quietly.

“Always, cutie,” Carmilla said with a smirk, turning slightly towards her. “Everything okay with your dad?”

“Yep. Just checking in. You ready?” she asked nodding down at the pizza box in front of them.

“Yeah, I was just getting ready to pay,” Carmilla said as she unwrapped herself from Laura and reached for her wallet.

“Nu-uh. This one’s on me, remember? Treating my amazing girlfriend because she’s going to be super successful one day?” she teased as she pulled out her own wallet and handed the now sulking cashier two ten dollar bills.

“Oh really? So then I have to repay the favor in seven months when my girlfriend lands her first article at the District Journal?” Carmilla teased back, smirking softly at her.

Laura’s smile fell just a tad and, of course, Carmilla immediately picked up on it.

_Dammit._

“Uh, yeah. That… that sounds good,” she said, quickly shoving the change the cashier gave her back into her wallet. Quickly picking up the box, she turned and walked out of the shop, hoping against hope that her small slip wouldn’t ruin their night.

“Hey, Laura? What was that?” Carmilla asked, hot on her heels.

_Crap._

“Nothing, just hungry,” she answered, forcing a smile to her face as she continued to walk “Let’s head back. I’m starving.”

“Laura…” She heard the firmness in Carmilla’s tone and stopped in her tracks, sighing softly. She really didn’t want to do this now but it looked like she didn’t have any other choice.

“I just found out this afternoon that next Thursday’s my last day at the paper,” she said softly, looking down at the box in her hands. “Cutbacks.”

“Cupcake, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say something before now?” Carmilla stepped closer, her hands wrapping around Laura’s still holding the box.

“Because I just wanted to have a nice night with you. I really am proud of you, Carm. Not that the other stuff you’ve done isn’t pride-worthy, but those pictures were your first ones attached to a big article that the public could see. And since I knew this was really the only night we’d have together for a few days, I wanted to just enjoy that. I figured we could just talk about it later. Plus, I know money’s kind of tight right now and… well, I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Laura, come on. I mean, I like that you’re proud of me, but this really isn’t that big of a deal,” Carmilla said, shrugging it off. “And you love your job at the Journal. Even if you only get to file stuff most of the day, you thrive there.”

“I know. But there’s nothing I can do about it.” She shrugged, turning and continuing to walk down the street, back towards their apartment, hating that the disappointment sitting in her chest wasn’t just because of the job. She hated the thought of letting Carmilla down. The dark-haired girl depended on her just as much as she depended on Carmilla. Now… well, if her girlfriend couldn’t rely on her…

“Well, you still have your spot on the school paper,” Carmilla said, walking next to her.

“That’s true. And I actually get to write stuff there.”

“You write damn good stuff too, Hollis,” Carmilla said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and leaving a kiss on her temple. “Okay, well, I’m still sorry but maybe this will be good. You’re going to be so busy next semester, getting ready for graduation and stuff. Maybe now you’ll have some time to breathe.”

“Carm, I know I wasn’t hauling in the big bucks, but it was a job. And we need the money. I can’t just take what time I was putting in there and sit on the couch doing nothing.” Out of the corner of her eye she saw Carmilla’s hopeful face fall.

_So much for a nice night celebrating and enjoying each other._

“Look, it’s fine, okay? I’ll figure something else out. I promise,” she said, eagerly looking up at the other girl.

“I just… I just don’t want you stressing yourself out more because of this. You already worry enough as it is,” Carmilla said with a sigh.

“You worry too!”

“Well, that’s different.”

“How?”

“Because… well… because it just is, Laura.”

“Carm, that’s ridiculous! Look, it isn’t just your sole responsibility to take care of us. We’re together in this.”

“Well… I don’t know. Maybe if I found something else, maybe it might ease the pressure,” she shrugged.

“I barely see you as it is, you’re going to go get **another** job?” Laura asked incredulously.

“I mean, I guess if I have to. Or maybe if I can find something that pays better…”

“Hey, no. Seriously, I’m going to pull my weight here, Carm. You don’t even like your job at the bar, but you still do it because you want to take care of us. I may end up waitressing or answering phones somewhere, both jobs that I would hate, but I’ll do them because I want to take care of us too.”

She looked into Carmilla’s eyes, hoping her own serious expression was enough to get through as the seconds passed. She waited a moment before Carmilla finally nodded slightly, still looking worried but Laura knew she could take care of that.

“So, for tonight, let’s just not think about it, go upstairs and eat this, and lay in bed and watch some stupid, mindless movie, and snuggle, and… just be,” she said, pulling up short as they reached their apartment stoop. “I just want to spend some time with you. And just… be happy.”

“I’m always happy when I’m with you, cupcake,” she said, leaning over the box in Laura’s hands and kissing her softly. “Come on.”

Laura smiled as she followed her girlfriend up the stairs and into the building, Carmilla wrapping an arm around Laura’s waist as they made their way up the staircase to their apartment.

“So, no more worries tonight?” Laura asked as they walked inside and she struggled out of her coat, carrying the pizza box into the kitchen.

“No more worries tonight. We’ll… we’ll be okay. We’ll figure it out later. Together,” Carmilla said, smiling at her from across the room where she was locking up.

Laura just smiled, that one word making her feel lighter already.

_Together._

She felt like she could do anything as long as she had Carmilla at her side. She could conquer the world as long as the dark-haired girl was right there, holding her hand. Carmilla was right, they would be okay. After all, they were both far too stubborn to be anything else.

Nodding one final time, she set the pizza down on the counter and for the first time, took noticed of the receipt that had been taped on to the top of the box. Rolling her eyes, she pulled it off and turned towards her girlfriend who was slowly approaching.

“So, I’m assuming you don’t need this?” she asked.

“Why would I, cutie? You’re the one who paid,” she said as she opened the box and reached for a slice.

“Yes, but I don’t think ‘Kelly’ was trying to give **me** her phone number,” she said, smiling sarcastically and holding it up for her girlfriend to see the loopy scrawl and digits.

Carmilla just chuckled, stepping towards her and leaning forward, their lips meeting in a fast and hard kiss that was clearly designed to show Laura exactly how much she did not care.

“Toss it,” she said with a smirk when she pulled back, walking away and taking a bite of the slice in her hand. Laura just nodded, unable to voice anything as she came back to herself.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“Yeah, that was way smoother than trying to get into a fist fight in the middle of a packed club,” Laura said with a giggle.

“Oh, but you’re the smoothest, Hollis,” Carmilla teased, laughing when Laura bumped their shoulders together as they sat next to each other on the sofa.

She watched Laura’s smile change to something softer as she stared down at her hands in her lap. She knew she was processing the story, trying to reconcile what she already knew and what she didn’t, and she wanted to give Laura that moment. She slowly lay her arm across the back of the sofa, smiling when Laura unconsciously leaned into her, the silence consuming them for a minute longer.

“I obviously don’t remember talking to my dad that night.”

“No, I imagine you wouldn’t. You told me about it a few days later though. When we were trying to formulate a new plan of action.”

“We?”

“Well, you drew up new projection charts and I used my charm and promises of very dirty things to get you to calm back down when it got to be too much.”

“So we made a good team?” Laura giggled, smiling harder when Carmilla simply shrugged and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, her touch lingering.

The quiet surrounded them again and Carmilla watched carefully as Laura’s gaze drifted across the room, knowing damn well her brain was still cataloging and attempting to merge the new information with what she hadn’t forgotten, a task the dark-haired girl could never imagine having to do herself, the sheer magnitude so completely overwhelming.

“I… I remember losing my job at the Journal,” Laura finally said, her eyes refocusing. “I was so bummed about it because I was really hoping to get a writing spot there after graduation. But I didn’t.”

“No, you didn’t but… well, we made it through your graduation. I mean, we figured it out. Obviously,” Carmilla chuckled, smiling at her. She watched Laura soften, her expression gradually relaxing, her body melting further into Carmilla’s side.

“Do you still have that antique camera?” Laura asked, finally looking up at her.

Carmilla just nodded, smirking as she pointed to the other side of the room. Laura followed the direction, gazing around until she found it sitting high on of for the bookshelves along the opposite wall.

“And you call yourself a journalist? Aren’t you supposed to be more observant?”

“I am observant! I obviously saw it there before, but I didn’t know what it was! Besides… I observe people! And events! And… shut up,” she giggled, leaning in closer, leaving a string of kisses along Carmilla’s jaw.

“Yeah, you observed a lot tonight,” Carmilla continued, still smirking and taking great joy in riling Laura up even further. “Observing all those… what did you call them? ‘Sure things’?”

“Hey! You’re the one who turned them all down to come home with little ol’ me. The not sure thing,” Laura teased back, pausing for a moment before smiling mischievously. “Although…”

_Uh oh._

“What? What’re you cooking up in that brain of your, Hollis?”

“Well, just because we aren’t having sex… yet…” she amended, making Carmilla laugh again. “That doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun.”

“Hmm… I seem to remember you saying that to me once before,” she said, tapping at her chin and pretending to contemplate.

“So I’ve been told,” Laura said, boldly shifting herself up and over Carmilla, settling in once she was straddling the dark-haired girl. “And I seem to remember being told… that we made out a lot that night.”

“We did,” Carmilla said, raising a teasing eyebrow as her hands automatically moved to Laura’s hips, her thumbs brushing along the exposed skin there. “Until your friends interrupted us that is.”

“Well… they aren’t here now. And we locked the door,” she countered, sliding her hands up Carmilla’s arms to her shoulders.

“You know damn well that they all have keys. And are completely incapable of knocking.” Despite her words, she heard her voice drop slightly the feeling of Laura’s fingers teasing across her skin, the weight of the tiny brunette on top of her making things a little more complicated.

“I think we can chance it,” she said, smiling, seeming to know the exact effect she was having on the dark-haired girl. “And as you’ve known for years, and I’ve so recently discovered, kissing each other is… pretty awesome.”

Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“Kissing you, cupcake? Oh yeah,” she said, still smiling and pulling Laura further into her by her waist.

“So…”

“Laura, just shut up and kiss me already,” she said, smirking softly as Laura giggled and finally leaned forward, threading her fingers through Carmilla’s hair as their lips finally met.

It started off slow, lips softy grazing against each other but it only took a few seconds before Carmilla felt Laura’s tongue sweep across her bottom lip, looking for more. And more was something she was **so** on board with. She smiled, chuckling slightly when Laura’s lips pressed harder against hers, overly eager but utterly perfect. And who was she to deny such a request? She felt the slight tug of Laura’s hands in her hair when she gently nipped at the smaller girl’s bottom lip, a small sigh escaping that perfect mouth.

“Wait a second,” Laura said, pulling away suddenly as Carmilla moved her hands just slightly up the back of her shirt, skin on skin.

 _Oh dammit, is she already panicking?_ She wanted to be patient and understanding. She really did…

She looked up, confused when she saw the teasingly skeptical look on Laura’s face.

“Is this how you get me to stop talking? You just kiss me and I shut up?” she teased and Carmilla laughed loudly at her girlfriend’s adorable smile. “I mean, I’m fine with that. I was just curious.”

“Laura…”

Laura just smiled brighter, leaning in to kiss her once again, leaving Carmilla to sigh in relief and much to her joy, Laura didn’t break them apart again until they were both breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are having a better week than I am because damn. Or if not, I hope this chapter helped make you smile for ten minutes. Let me know what you think.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	29. I Can’t Make You Fall In Love With Me, But I Can Love You In Whatever Way You Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Camilla isn't perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a couple of months ago, the super awesome stillcookiedough shared an original song of hers with a couple of the creampuffs and it was just so perfect for this fic, thus, this chapter's title. Please check it out, as well as her other stuff.
> 
> [Enough](https://soundcloud.com/user-350216954/enough-demo-v-2)
> 
> You guys knew this one was coming... but honestly, I'm kind of proud of it and I love it. I hope you do too.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

She sighed again and stared out into the distance, the sun’s rays sparkling just right off the water across the way, it’s warmth surrounding her but doing nothing to make her feel any better. It was unusually warm for this time of year, the tepid air around her so incredibly deceptive but the warm front passing over them was probably the last one they’d see for months. After all, it would be December in less than two weeks, the holidays coming up just around the corner.

 _Certainly doesn’t feel like it,_ she thought as a welcoming breeze tousled her hair. Sighing once again, she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, her hands balling together in front of her in frustration.

It had been a great morning. Her eyes had fluttered open around eight when she felt Carmilla leaving a soft kiss on her forehead. She’d smiled up at the dark-haired girl, who was standing over her, already showered and dressed, on her way out the door.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispered, leaving one more kiss against her temple. “Go back to sleep.”

“Where are you going?” Laura mumbled, her voice heavy.

“I have to meet with JP. We’re trying to get a client to change their schedule and move a shoot up.”

“Is it the Christmas one you mentioned?” she asked, rubbing at her eyes and watching Carmilla nod. “Will you be gone all day?”

“No, I’ll be back in a few hours.” Laura smiled, feeling Carmilla gently brush her fingers through her hair one last time and nodded, curling back onto her side as the dark-haired girl left.

She’d laid there for about ten more minutes before deciding to get up and get her day started. After coffee and a quick shower, she’d set her laptop up at the kitchen table, opening it and hoping for some good news. Scanning through her email, she quickly found the new item she was looking for and eagerly opened it, her smile slowly fading as she took in the words on her screen. She’d tried not to let it get her down. After all, this wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. Still, the disappointment had sat in the pit of her stomach all morning as she’d attempted to work on a few unfinished pieces she had going, but her heart just wasn’t in it. Deciding to take a break around noon, she’d popped out back onto the patio, sitting sideways in one of the lounge chairs and breathing in the fresh air surrounding her, hoping it would do something to refocus her or improve her mood.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there. It honestly only felt like a few minutes but apparently, she was wrong.

“Hey, sorry, I really didn’t expect it to take that long.” She turned to her right, watching Carmilla come through the door, running a frustrated hand through her hair as she did. “I really thought I’d be home before noon.”

“What time is it?” she asked, glancing around as if that would help her.

“It’s almost two now.”

_Holy crap, how did I lose two hours sitting out here?_

“Anyway, I was going to see if you wanted to grab lunch. It’s a little late but…”

Laura glanced back at her as she trailed off, taking in the curious expression on Carmilla’s face as she slowly approached her.

“Hey, what’s wrong, cutie?” she asked, kneeling down next to the lounger in front of the smaller girl, reaching for her hands as she did.

“Nothing. I… I’m fine. Sorry, I guess I must’ve just lost track of time out here or something,” she said, shaking her head slightly to rid herself of the cobwebs.

“Laura…”

She looked up, seeing the concern in Carmilla’s eyes and sighed heavily.

“It’s stupid. I just… The Independent passed on my article.” She shrugged, looking away as she did, feeling slightly ashamed.

“Shit, Laura, I’m sorry,” she said, gently stroking her thumbs over her knuckles. “Did they say why?”

“Just… looking for a different angle I guess. But it’s not a big deal. Really. I can always try to take it somewhere else.”

“I know you can, but still. This was a big deal for you. They’ve been asking you for a piece for a while now and… I know you’re disappointed.”

She shrugged once again, looking away and letting the silence between them stretch on. She knew she was making this into something way bigger than it needed to be. But it had been a long time since she’d had a rejection. And with just coming back off of the accident, she was really hoping for some good news. It’d been a while since she’d seen anything she’d written in print and considering that was part of her contribution to their life together, she couldn’t help the little feeling of failure sitting in the pit of her stomach.

She sighed again, softly, continuing to watch the water in the distance, her focus split between that and the feeling of Carmilla’s thumbs continuing to gently brush across any part of her hands that they could reach with their fingers still intertwined.

_Huh._

She turned her gaze to her lap, watching those fingers intently, her head tipping to the side just so as the minutes stretched on.

“Why do you do that?” Laura finally asked, looking up at her curiously.

“Do what?”

“The thing with your thumbs. You always rub them along my knuckles or the sides of my hands. Or not even on my hands now that I think about it. You kind of do it anywhere you can reach.” She looked up, her eyes meeting her girlfriend’s and tilting her head to the side again. “How come?”

Carmilla simply chuckled, squeezing her hands once but continuing on with her ministrations.

“I figured out a long time ago that it calms you down. So when you’re upset or angry or frustrated… even if you just need a little something extra to make you feel safe, I want to make you feel better. I don’t know why it helps you so much but… well, I’ll do whatever I can to make you smile again. This just always seemed to be the first step towards getting there.”

Laura looked into her eyes, the love Carmilla had for her shining so bright it almost hurt her to see it. She swallowed hard, unable to stop the small smile tugging at her lips, despite the touch of guilt she felt thudding in her chest, mixing together with the rest of her emotions.

“You’re the best. You know that?” she said, slowly leaning forward and pressing their lips together in gratitude once before pulling away. “You’re… you’re right. It does help. I didn’t realize that until just now but… how’d you figure that out?”

“Just kind of noticed it one day. And then I just kept doing it and it kept working and now, years later… well, here we are,” she shrugged.

“Seriously, you’re so incredible, Carm. I… what you’ve done… what you still do. You’re just so amazing,” she said, unconsciously holding tighter to Carmilla’s hands, pulling them further into her lap.

“I just… I love you, Laura. And I hate seeing you hurting, no matter what the reason is.”

“I know. I…” She trailed off, staring down at their hands once again as she tried to collect herself, her feelings at the moment close to overwhelming. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

Again, the silence met them and stretched on, Laura’s focus now split between her disappointment with the article and the overwhelming feeling in her chest that she couldn’t even begin to describe. She knew she couldn’t keep chastising herself just because her feelings for Carmilla weren’t where she wanted them to be. Despite how much she cared for the other girl, she couldn’t force herself to fall in love any faster than she already was, which it seemed was close to break-neck speed.

“You’re still bummed aren’t you?” Carmilla finally asked.

She couldn’t open up the Pandora’s Box surrounding her feelings right now. It was just too much for her to handle, let alone for them to try and tackle at that moment. Besides, it wasn’t something that they could tackle immediately anyway. Laura’s feelings had to continue to grow naturally for her girlfriend. She couldn’t just force them to come back, just like she couldn’t force Carmilla’s feelings away so that the guilt didn’t eat at her. That was something that would just have to come in time.

“I just… I thought this was a sure thing,” she finally said, taking the easier route. “The article. I mean, they said they still want me to write something but just, something different. It’s silly to get this upset, I know.”

“It’s not silly. This is what you love, cutie. This is important to you.” Laura just shrugged, looking away again.

Carmilla was right. She loved her job. She loved writing and creating something for others to be a part of. And unfortunately, that sting of rejection was just as strong now as it was all those years ago when she got her first ‘no thank you.’

“What can I do? How can I make this better?”

“It’s fine, Carm. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll be okay, I just have to absorb it I guess.”

She waited a beat, staring off into the distance again, feeling her hands unraveling from the dark-haired girl’s a moment later, turning to watch as Carmilla stood and quickly went inside.

 _Well, I guess that’s one option. Leaving me alone._ She stared at the closed patio door for a moment, confused, before looking away, wondering what in the hell had just happened. Had she said something wrong? Was she really taking this whole rejection too far?

The sound of the door opening again pulled her attention back as Carmilla once again walked outside.

“Here. Put this on over your sweatshirt,” Carmilla said, handing Laura a leather jacket that she definitely knew wasn’t hers before walking back inside. Laura stared after her, even more confused but pulled the jacket on, the scent of Carmilla immediately hitting her as she did. She stood up and walked back into the house, searching for the dark-haired girl, who emerged from the hallway at that second, pulling on another of her leather jackets and smiling at her. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” she asked, genuinely confused.

“To have some fun, cupcake.”

Ten minutes later she couldn’t stop smiling as she stared at her girlfriend, watching as she prepped everything, making sure it was safe and good to go.

“So, it’s easy. I’ll do everything, you just sit here,” she said, patting the seat, “and hang on tight.”

“You’re taking me out on your bike?! Seriously?” Laura bounced forward, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s neck and crushing their smiling lips together.

“So I take it… you want to go,” Carmilla chuckled as they finally parted.

“You are the best.”

“Just put this on,” Carmilla said, smiling softly and handing her a helmet.

* * *

They’d been driving around for about an hour, Carmilla immediately guiding them out of the city and into the country, taking the scenic route, apparently. The dark-haired girl had started off slow, cautiously taking the turns and curves, checking on Laura every few minutes as they got further and further away from Silas. And the further away they got, the faster they went and the more Laura couldn’t stop herself from smiling broadly. The freedom of moving through the country so quickly, the wind billowing around her, the feeling of Carmilla pressed so tightly against her front… it was incredible and she couldn’t contain the giggles that sporadically shot out of her.

Laura honestly wasn’t sure where they were when Carmilla finally slowed down, taking one backroad after another before the area around them finally opened up and Laura could see the beautiful water sparkling in front of her, the soft waves crashing against the rocky shore of the tiny cove to their right.

Carmilla pulled off to the side, killing the engine, and pulling her helmet off.

“How you doing back there?” she asked over her shoulder, smiling softly.

“That was so awesome!” Laura answered, pulling her own helmet off with a giggle, still taking in the scene around her, the air a little crisper than it had been at their house.

She let Carmilla help her off the bike, keeping their fingers intertwined as they began to carefully walk across the rocky terrain towards the water, taking in the beauty surrounding her. The water was so blue that she couldn’t tell where it ended and the sky began. They finally came to a stop about halfway between the sea and the bike, taking a seat on one of the larger, flat boulders there, the chill beneath her an initial shock but quickly forgotten when she felt Carmilla’s warmth against her side.

“What is this place?” she asked in wonder.

“Nowhere special,” Carmilla said, staring off into the distance, a small smile curling the edges of her lips. “It’s just… I used to come here years ago. It’s always been…”

“What?” Laura asked, sandwiching Carmilla’s hand between hers and pulling it into her lap.

“After everything with my mother… after she found out about me… I used to come here when I was angry or frustrated. Anytime I just needed to stop thinking or worrying. I’d sit here and read or draw or… just sit. And, for whatever reason, being here just made whatever it was that was bothering me a little easier. Nothing bad could touch me here.” Laura stared at her girlfriend as she looked off into the distance, the soft breeze gently ruffling the ends of her hair.

“Do you not come here anymore?”

“No, not really. I’ve actually only been here once in the last six years or so. After I met you, well, I just didn’t need it that much. You became my safe place.” She smiled as Carmilla turned towards her, their eyes meeting and Laura felt her breath catch at the sentiment.

“Really?” She just nodded. “Have you ever brought me here before?”

“No. Like I said, it was my safe place before I met you. It… you know it took me a while to completely open up to you. You didn’t just get a free pass, you had to earn it. And, well…” Carmilla chuckled as she trailed off for a moment, a fond smile on her face. “Earn it you did, cutie. But then, one day when I was here, I just realized that while it was beautiful here and I loved it, I had something even more beautiful with you. I was always safe with you.”

_Wow._

“Carm… that’s…” She let go of Carmilla’s hand, moving to wrap her arms around the older girl’s waist, burying her face in her neck when she felt Carmilla’s arms move around her, holding her close. Leave it to Carmilla to turn her into absolute mush over something seemingly so simple.

She could picture a younger version of her girlfriend, sitting here just like they currently were, brooding and angry at the world, trying to process whatever obstacle life had thrown at her, all alone. The thought made her ache for the older girl but… that wasn’t the case after they’d met. She’d been able to give Carmilla something that the other girl had been searching for far and wide. Somehow, that made their current situation a little better. She may never be able to give back all Carmilla had sacrificed for her but knowing that she’d done right in the past, that she’d taken care of the dark-haired girl, left a tender feeling of warmth surrounding her.

“So what was the one time that you did come back?” she asked, after a moment of silence.

“Not too long ago actually. After the accident,” she answered, her brow furrowing slightly. “I just… I was so lost. I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t even come here on purpose but… well, after riding around for a while, this was where I ended up. It did help clear my head a little, but it didn’t feel the way that it used to. And… well, I guess at that point, I couldn’t ask you to be that safe place anymore. So I just kind of took what I could get.”

_Oh._

“Do you… do you still feel like that?” she asked, her heart sinking. “Like I’m not… well-”

“No,” she interrupted, her eyes serious as she appeared to study Laura’s face. “I mean, I’m not trying to pressure you or anything but things have been going so well between us and you’ve been trying to so hard. I guess, I just know that you’re here. You’re here with me and you’re you and that’s all that matters.”

Laura swallowed the emotions battling in her chest, warring back and forth, and leaned in, gently pressing her lips to Carmilla’s in a kiss to convey that she was there and just how much she appreciated Carmilla. How much she cared for the older girl.

“You know you aren’t pressuring me, right?” she asked when she pulled away. “I mean, I know that was kind of the theme for a minute but… well, that’s the second time I’ve heard you say that recently and I don’t want you thinking that I can’t take it. That I can’t take **this**.”

“I know, Laura,” she said, unwrapping her arms from around Laura’s shoulders and taking her hands instead. “I know things are different since that fight we had. I know that you’re here and that you want to be and that you want to make this work. I guess, sometimes I just don’t want to make you shoulder too much. Not because I don’t think you can handle it or that it might scare you away. But I just want help you carry the burdens, you know? I want you to know that I’ve got you too.”

Laura leaned in, leaving another soft kiss against Carmilla’s lips, unable to help herself at that moment, smiling into it as their lips lingered teasingly. It was such a nice thought, the two of them taking on the world together. The two of them supporting each other through thick and thin. The two of them always pressing on, hands tightly clasped.

“You’re like the most perfect person anyone could ask for, you know that?” she asked after they finally pulled apart.

“I’m really not,” she said with a huff.

“But you are! I mean… all you’ve done for me over the last two months. All you’ve done for me over the last seven years. It’s incredible, Carm.”

“No, it really isn’t,” she said, shrugging it off again. “Laura, yeah, I’m trying to do the best I can here. I always have tried to be the best for you. But don’t think that I’ve never slipped up. Don’t think that I’ve never hurt you.”

Laura looked into those dark eyes, seeing the intensity there and cursing for the millionth time that she couldn’t remember.

“Well… I mean, yeah, I guess… I guess that makes sense. I mean, I know I’ve made mistakes so I guess you have too,” she said with a shrug. Honestly, she knew that at some point throughout their relationship, Carmilla had probably done something more to piss her off than leave dirty dishes behind or clothes on the floor all around the empty hamper. But she hadn’t thought about what that situation might be. From what she’d been told, nothing had really jumped out at her waving a red flag, sirens blaring loudly.

She looked up just as Carmilla nodded, the dark-haired girl turning and looking out at the water, her face blank but her eyes… well, Laura wasn’t sure what to make out of her eyes. There was something else there. Hurt? Anger? Shame?

“What’re you thinking about right now?” she asked quietly, leaning further into Carmilla’s side.

She felt Carmilla shrug against her just once, the older girl waiting another moment before turning and meeting Laura’s eyes.

“Nothing pleasant. Just… the past.”

“Talk to me,” Laura said, reaching under the sleeve of Carmilla’s jacket and rubbing her thumb along the inside of the other girl’s wrist.

“It’s not pretty,” she said, glancing away for a moment before sad eyes returned to her. “Are you sure you want to know?” Laura just nodded, watching as Carmilla looked away once again and swallowed hard.

_Guess we’re going to find out what those waving red flags and blaring sirens are._

* * *

**_Four Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

Numb. That’s all she could feel at that moment. The numbness creeping up her fingers and toes, through her limbs, into her torso, wrapping its way in a tight vice around her heart, the nothingness expanding, crushing and clobbering anything and everything that may even resemble a feeling or emotion.

It wasn’t entirely unwelcome or wrong. After all, what was she supposed to feel right then?

Sadness…?

_Why?_

Hurt…?

_From what?_

Anger…?

_What’s the point?_

Loss…?

_Fuck._

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there. The overcast sky had blocked out the sun slowly moving across it as subtle flurries continued to coat the already snow covered ground, making everything seem that much duller and lifeless. She’d been staring out across the way the entire time, watching the ice and snow blanketing everything in sight, getting thicker and thicker as the hours wore on. She kept hearing the furnace kick on over and over again behind her as it tried, unsuccessfully, to warm the room, but other than that, the apartment was completely silent, the lack of noise so eerie and unlike the norm.

_So wrong._

And then there was a new noise. Worn and rusted locks twisted and turned and she heard the door open but didn’t look up. She already knew who it was. And for the first time, she wished the smaller girl wasn’t there. She wished she could just be alone.

“Holy crap, it’s freezing in here! Why do you have the window open? And are you… are you smoking?” Laura asked, her voice rising in surprise

Carmilla just shrugged, continuing to stare out the window, adjusting herself further as she sat straddling the window ledge, one foot balancing on the floor, the other, dangling precariously four stories in the air.

“Carm, what the hell is going on? Why are you sitting in the wide open window when it’s the middle of February and why are you smoking? You don’t even smoke!”

Again, she just shrugged, refusing to look at her girlfriend, and taking the final drag from the cigarette between her fingers before flicking it out the window, where it slowly fell down among the others she’d already made her way through that day after she randomly picked up a pack from the corner market down the street that morning.

“Alright, you’re kind of starting to freak me out.” She listened as Laura slowly approached, her wet boots squeaking slightly against the worn floor. Finally catching sight of her out of the corner of her eye, she saw the mask of concern that Laura had slipped on but she didn’t care. “Carm?”

“I don’t want to talk right now,” she finally mumbled, her gaze never wavering from the spot she’d picked to focus on.

“Why? What happened?”

She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply, holding onto the numbness for dear life. She couldn’t lose it. If she did…

“Carm?”

“Laura, just… just leave me alone,” she said, her tone quiet but serious.

“No! Not until you tell me what has you acting all mysterious and broody 2.0.” The smaller girl stepped closer, leaning against the wall near the window, her arms wrapping around herself as she tried to ward off the winter cold. “What’s wrong?”

She sighed heavily, shaking her head once, her gaze still fixed across the street below. The lampposts were starting to illuminate as everything around them grew darker and darker, their own lights subdued as the beams tried to push through the layers of frost caked upon the lantern’s glass.

“I’m fine.”

“You are clearly not fine,” Laura said, obviously exasperated. “Come on, talk to me.”

“I said I’m fine,” she said through gritted teeth.

_Don’t do it._

“Did you get passed over for that spring spread coming up for Straka Athletics?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, that’s good. Um… did you get into a fight with Mel and Kirsch this morning when you saw them?”

She just shook her head, not even bothering to mention that she’d ditched them without so much as a text.

“Okay, um… did you… did you hear from your mother?”

Carmilla’s jaw immediately tightened, her eyes hardening, but she didn’t answer.

“Ugh, Carm, you can’t let her get to you. It’s not worth it. She’s… she’s not worth you beating yourself up over,” she said, reaching a comforting hand out to tuck a strand of hair behind Carmilla’s ear.

Carmilla instantly recoiled from the touch, pulling herself out of the window and towards the kitchen counter, away from her girlfriend, wanting as much space as possible.

 _Don’t,_ she thought again, closing her eyes and gripping onto the counter, her nails digging into the wood as she did.

“Carm,” Laura sighed, quickly closing the window and taking a step after her. “Please, don’t let her do this. She’s… she’s horrible to you.”

The numbness was fighting, working harder to hold on, but against what, she didn’t know. She felt it move and shift, holding back something else entirely as Laura stood behind her, ranting and berating Lilita.

“And you don’t deserve the way she treats you. You’re so much better than her. You’re so much kinder and more thoughtful. What she says… what she thinks, it doesn’t matter, okay? She doesn’t matter. She’s… she doesn’t deserve you beating yourself up over something that I’m sure is completely stupid and insignificant. She… she just doesn’t deserve you, Carm.”

And then there was a hole. The tiniest hole. Barely a pinprick. But it was enough. It cracked through the nothingness, pulsing, the pain, the anger, the frustration, the hurt flowing through her, tingling at every juncture, ripping her apart.

“So whatever dumb thing she’s trying to blame you for or whatever game she’s playing with you right now, just forget her, okay? Because she’s… she’s a terrible woman.”

“Shut up, Laura! For the love of fucking god, just shut up!” she barked, finally turning, her eyes meeting the tiny brunette’s, the rage behind them overpowering, every muscle in her body taut and ready to snap.

“Wha… I… Carm, seriously what is going on?” she asked, her voice now timid. She took a cautious step backward, her hands fidgeting in front of her as she did, her eyes wide and pleading.

“Just… just fucking stop, okay? Just stop talking for two goddamn minutes! I know it’s hard since you never shut the fuck up, but just try it!”

She took in Laura’s face, the instant hurt there, her mouth opening and closing as she apparently tried to catch up with what was happening.

“I don’t… I don’t understand,” she finally croaked, her voice so meek and mild, tugging at something else, something deep within Carmilla’s chest but the dark-haired girl severed the connection as soon as she felt it, unable to stop herself.

“No! No, you fucking don’t! You don’t understand anything!”

“Carm, please just-”

“No, you don’t understand a goddamn thing about my life with my mother. You never have and you never will. So stop trying to pretend that you know anything beyond the perfect world you come from!” Her voice echoed throughout the room, its booming volume pushing the tiny brunette back another step.

“I’m not pretending to understand, Carm. I’m just trying to be here for you,” she tried once again.

“Why?!”

“Because that’s what people do for each other. That’s what you do for someone you love,” Laura cried, her voice rising as her own frustration kicked in. “But I can’t do that when you won’t even talk to me!”

“I already said I didn’t want to talk! But you had to push it didn’t you? Just push and push and push because how else do you get anywhere, right?” Carmilla growled, stepping forward.

She watched something shift in Laura’s own gaze, those honey brown eyes narrowing just a tad as Laura’s own anger took over.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Laura fired back, taking her own challenging step forward.

“You can’t just leave shit alone. You have to run in at full speed to every little mini-crisis, regardless of if someone wants your help. Regardless of if you’re wanted or not! You have to meddle and make it all go away!”

“When someone I care about is hurting, yes, fine, you want to call it meddling? Then I meddle because I don’t want to see the people I love the most doing what you’re doing right now!”

“Dammit, you can’t fix everything, Laura! You can’t put a magic band-aid on every problem, big or small, and just expect it to go away! I know that’s how it was in Leave it to Beaver land with you and your dad, all perfect and wonderful, but that’s not real!”

“Okay, that’s the second time you’ve said something about my ‘perfect’ upbringing and I know you’re upset, but I swear to god, Carmilla, if you keep it up, I’ll-”

“You’ll what? Talk to me to death because that’s how you get through your problems? By yammering on non-stop?”

“Dammit, Carmilla, I don’t know what the hell’s gotten into you or what the hell your problem is, but you’re not going to take jabs at me about how I deal with things or where I come from!” The absolute fury in Laura’s eyes was new but clear as day. She’d seen her mad before but never like this. Never this livid. She watching Laura step into her space, the smaller girl clearly not backing down, her hands balled into fists at her sides, jaw set, teeth clenched together. “I know I didn’t grow up the way you did. I know you had a rough time, but I didn’t grow up in a perfect world either! And you can’t blame **me** for where **you** come from!”

“No, I can’t blame you for where I come from but I can blame you for trying to ‘fix’ me!” Carmilla yelled, unsure of where the words leaving her mouth were even coming from at this point.

“What are you talking about? I’m not trying to fix anything. I’m not even sure what the hell’s broken! I’m just… I’m just trying to be here for you,” she said, her voice softening just enough for that stupid tugging in Carmilla’s chest to make itself known again for half a second before Carmilla slammed the door on it.

“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want you here! Maybe I don’t want you around at all!”

Where the hell had that come from? The words coming out of her mouth… these weren’t even thoughts she’d ever glimpsed before, let alone entertained. Why was she doing this? Why was she pushing away the one person who mattered more to her than anyone else in the world?

_Too late now._

“What?” Laura looked as though she’d been slapped. “What’re you talking about?

“Exactly what I just said. I don’t want you here anymore!” The words were just spilling out of her now, unfiltered, no real thought behind them. Just pure rage.

“I’m not going anywhere! This is my apartment too, dammit!” Laura fired back, her fists balled at her sides again, her own anger roaring back to life.

“Laura! Just go! Just fucking go!”

“No! You want to get away from me so bad, then **you** go!”

She stared at the tiny determined girl in front of her, holding fast to her spot, refusing to give in and felt the anger leaving, the numbness once again taking over, wrapping its claws around every surface of her being, shoving her back into that dark hole of nothingness.

“Fine.” She stormed towards the door, grabbing her jacket as she passed and slammed it behind her, trudging down the stairs as she went. She pulled her jacket on as she left the building, the snow and ice crunching beneath her boots as she stalked away, glancing up at the building once as she turned down the street to see Laura standing there in the window, her face furious but her eyes…

She scowled and quickly looked away, stalking off into the quickly settling night without another look back.

* * *

**_Present_ **

The sound of the waves crashing in the distance was all she could hear. Well, that and the overpowering ringing in her ears as she took in the silence from the smaller girl to her right.

She’d been waiting for this to come, cringing at the thought of having to admit all of this to Laura, but she owed it to the tiny brunette.

“I hate that story. I just…” she trailed off quietly, looking off into the distance again, her eyes hard but unfocused, the anger she felt at herself all those years ago still fresh in her gut.

She could still see the hurt, the frustration, the absolute fury on Laura’s face in her mind, as clear now as it was all those years ago. That night was the first time she’d ever seen Laura look at her that way. And it was the only time she ever seen it up until a few weeks ago, when Laura stormed out of their home, her emotions once again completely overwhelming her. She understood that now and she’d hoped to never see that look again, but that first night, all those years ago, she deserved it.

_You deserved a lot worse._

“I was such a fucking asshole. I was horrible to you and you didn’t deserve it. The way I acted, the things I said… no one should ever have to hear anything like that from the person they love.”

She waited. For what she wasn’t sure. She didn’t know if Laura would yell at her or storm off or cry. She felt herself teetering on the edge as the silence stretched on, her heart practically beating out of her chest in anticipation. Chancing a look in Laura’s direction, she saw the surprise in the younger girl’s eyes. She saw the sadness there. She saw the hurt all over again.

_Dammit. How could you? You hurt her so badly and now here you are, doing it all over again._

“I…” Laura looked away as she trailed off, at a complete loss as to what to say.

Carmilla swallowed back the ache in her chest at the sight and nodded. She understood. She knew this was something they’d eventually have to face. Whether it was this story or another of their smaller arguments or if she picked a fight tomorrow, eventually Laura would have to face the reality that the perfection she saw when she looked at Carmilla was all a farce.

Carmilla had the advantage here. She’d seen Laura at her worst. She’d seen her sad and devastated. She’d seen her angry and irate. She’d seen her mess up monumentally. But Laura… she hadn’t really seen just how much damage Carmilla was capable of causing. And though she vowed to never intentionally hurt the smaller girl, inevitably, she’d slip up and cause her pain. After all, she was only human. And Laura needed to know that.

“It’s a lot. I get it, Laura,” she finally said, her voice quiet but sincere. “I… I’m sorry. I know you probably aren’t sure what to do with an apology right now but… I hate how much I hurt you that day. I hate the way I made you feel. I hate that I took my own issues and projected them onto you, that I tried to blame you when you did nothing wrong. I hate… god, I fucking hate the words that came out of my mouth that day.”

She watched the younger girl, still looking away from her, the sadness still there and making Carmilla’s heart ache with each beat in her chest. She desperately wanted to fix this, to make it better. But she couldn’t change the past. She couldn’t make it go away. And now… well, she didn’t want to push Laura into just moving past this because it was uncomfortable. She wanted the smaller girl to work through it. She’d be there to help, of course, but it wasn’t a simple fix.

“Again, I know it’s a lot. I know… it’s horrible. And I understand if you need a minute to work through this. I just… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Laura.” She continued to watch the tiny brunette, who she noted, still looked off into the distance, her mouth slightly agape, her eyes unfocused, her brow furrowed.

_Just give her some time._

“Come on, I’ll… I’ll take you home,” she said as she moved to stand.

“No, wait. Carmilla, stop.” She felt Laura tugging on her jacket, keeping her seated on the boulder, the tiny brunette’s hand refusing to move from her arm. Slowly she turned, taking in those sad eyes and felt her heart break all over again at that moment for the pain she’d caused Laura, both in the present and all those years ago.

“I don’t… I don’t want to go home.”

Carmilla looked down at the rocks below her feet, unable to take the shame of looking Laura in the eye any longer and nodded once. She couldn’t say she was surprised. If she was in Laura’s shoes, she probably wouldn’t want to be around her either right now.

“Okay, I understand. I’ll, um… I’ll take you to LaF and Perry’s then,” she said quietly.

“No, Carmilla, I don’t… I don’t want to go there either. I don’t want to go anywhere. I...” She sighed heavily, glancing away for just a moment before turning back in Carmilla’s direction, her eyes still sad but pleading. “That… that can’t be the whole story. I mean, there’s more there, I can tell. What happened… after you left?”

“Laura…”

“Please? I… please tell me.”

Carmilla sighed and slowly nodded, looking back off into the distance. This was the one door she had no desire to peek behind.

* * *

**_Four Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

It had been six hours since she’d stormed out of the apartment, furious and seething. How could Laura do this? Why couldn’t she just understand? Why couldn’t she just listen?

 _Maybe because you never actually said anything._ The thought had come to her only an hour earlier and she hated that it had taken her that long to come around and realize that her girlfriend really was only trying to help. She wasn’t trying to be malicious or make this harder. If Laura had known the truth, there was no way she would’ve said the things she did. Laura wasn’t heartless. She wasn’t unkind. And she wouldn’t have pushed if Carmilla had just been honest. She wouldn’t have tried to ‘fix’ this, because really, this wasn’t fixable.

Carmilla sighed one final time before unlocking and pushing the door open to the dark apartment, quietly closing it behind her, and leaning back on it heavily. Giving her eyes a moment to adjust, she noticed the smaller girl’s form on the bed in the corner, her face turned towards the wall. Carmilla watched for a moment, knowing right away that the smaller girl was still awake just by how still she lay, so stiff and uncomfortable. She knew she had to fix this but for the life of her, had no idea how. After all, she wasn’t very good at that stuff. At ‘I’m sorry’s’ or ‘I was wrong’s’ or ‘I was a colossal ass and I don’t deserve you’s’. She’d never had much practice because, honestly, there were very few people in her life that she cared about hurting. And unfortunately, she’d unleashed hell on the person at the top of that list. At the person she loved more than anything or anyone.

She slowly kicked off her shoes and threw her jacket into the corner, not really caring where it landed, and made her way towards her side of the bed. Pausing for a moment, she sat down carefully, and pulled her legs to her chest, hugging them close, unsure of what else to do as the minutes ticked by.

Finally, she watched Laura roll towards her, her eyes a little puffy but still angry.

“Are you ready to stop being a total jerkface now?” Her voice was raw and if the eyes weren’t a dead giveaway, she now knew Laura had spent a fair amount of time after she’d left in tears.

Carmilla just shrugged, looking away as she did, unsure of what to say.

“Fine,” Laura said, rolling over facing away from her again, angrily pulling the blankets up to her chest with a huff.

Another bout of silence passed. Carmilla wasn’t sure if it was merely seconds or long minutes. Everything just seemed to stop that morning. Everything stopped after the phone call.

_I don’t know what to do._

“My mother died,” she finally whispered into the dark, her voice cracking slightly as she did.

“What?” Laura asked as she turned and slowly sat up, the blanket slipping down her torso as she did, her face a mask of shock.

“Mattie called me earlier this morning after you went to class. She… she died.” She heard the words leaving her mouth but it wasn’t her voice. She’d never even heard this voice before.

“Carm, I… how? What happened?”

“Brain aneurysm.”

“Oh my god, Carm, I… I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I-”

“I know,” she said quietly, pulling her knees in tighter, making herself as small as possible.

“But… but I pushed you. And I said all those horrible things about her and…”

Carmilla let the silence envelop them as Laura trailed off, unsure of what was supposed to happen next. That had been the theme of the day. Not knowing what to do. What to say. How to…

“I didn’t know how to feel when she called. She… well, I knew something was wrong right away. I thought maybe it was Will. That maybe he…” She swallowed hard at the thought of losing her brother, lowering her head before pressing on. “But then she told me it was mother. And I just…”

“Hey, it’s okay, Carm,” Laura said, slowly reaching up and carefully placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, the nervousness of the movement hitting Carmilla right in the chest again as she realized just how far she’d actually pushed the smaller girl.

_You’re a monster._

“What… I mean, what can I do? What do you need?”

_Asshole. You treated her like absolute shit and here she is, wanting to help you._

She merely shrugged, unable to voice anything else as she felt Laura’s hand creep further across her shoulder, her fingertips softly moving back and forth.

“Carm?” Laura  shuffled a little closer. “You know it’s okay to not know what to feel right now.”

“I just… she’s… I mean, she’s my mother, right? She raised me so I should feel bad that she’s gone. But she’s Lilita. She… she hated me because I…” She trailed off as she turned to Laura, seeing the worry and understanding in those honey brown eyes. And that was it. That was the final straw. “I don’t know what to do,” she said as the first few tears finally rolled down her cheeks.

“I know,” Laura said, immediately wrapping her arms around the dark-haired girl, Carmilla selfishly taking the comfort and sagging against her. “I know, Carm.”

She buried her face in Laura’s neck, still holding her knees to her chest, feeling Laura’s strong arms holding her close. Everything just crashed down at that moment and she was so incredibly lost. She felt the shoulder of Laura’s shirt sopping up her tears and tried to wrap her head around the fact that she wasn’t alone. Laura was there, gently running a hand up and down her back, the other combing through her hair. Laura was there, holding her close. Laura was there, wanting to help. To take care of her. To make it better.

 _And you said those awful things._ **_You’re_ ** _the terrible person._ **_You’re_ ** _the heartless one._ **_You’re_ ** _… you’re just like your mother._

“I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked and muffled didn’t even sound like her own. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Laura. I’m such a horrible girlfriend. The things I said… I didn’t-”

“Shh, hey, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean any of that. I know, Carm,” she said, pulling her closer, her lips brushing against Carmilla’s forehead as she spoke.

“No! No, it’s not okay. I’m not okay. I’m… fuck, I’m just like her.”

“Carm, no!” Laura said, pulling back just enough to look into her eyes. “No, you are nothing like her. I… I’m not going to sit here and bad mouth your mother. But you’re aren’t her, okay?”

“I am,” she whispered. “I’m worse. I… you don’t treat the person you love the way I treated you this afternoon.”

“Carm, I’m not going to make excuses for this afternoon. You weren’t very nice, that’s true. And no, it was not okay to say those things to me or to treat me that way. It hurt, a lot and… but I know you didn’t mean it. I know you don’t really believe any of the things you said. This afternoon… that wasn’t you. I know that wasn’t you. You’re a good person and I know that. That’s one of the reasons I love you, Carm.”

“Why do you love me? I’m not worth it!”

“You are worth everything! How many times do I have to tell you that?” Laura reached up, cupping the other girl’s cheek, forcing their eyes to meet.

Carmilla stared into those pleading eyes, wanting so much to believe that but…

“I just… Laura, I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I don’t-”

“We’ll figure it out, okay?” she said, pulling the older girl back in and holding her tight. “I’m not going anywhere, Carm. I’m here, okay? And we’ll figure this out. Together.”

She hadn’t pushed the smaller girl away. Even with how horrible she was to her, with how terribly she’d treated her, Laura was still there and she wasn’t leaving. She sagged against the tiny brunette, finally wrapping her own arms around Laura as she did, her tears still steadily streaming down her face. Laura just held her, slowly laying them back against the pillows, leaving soft kisses on her forehead as they lay there in silence. Seconds passed. Then minutes. Then hours. And the whole time, Laura never let her go. It wasn’t until the sun started to come up that the smaller girl finally spoke again.

“Talk to me.”

Carmilla took a moment, pulling Laura closer to her and pressing her face into the crook of her neck, taking in her warmth, her scent, her softness.

“I just… why does it hurt?” she asked, her voice raw even though the tears had dried long ago. “I mean, she hated me. She… didn’t want me around. We haven’t been a part of each other’s lives in years so… why does it feel like I lost something?”

“Because you’re not dead inside, Carm,” she said gently, still combing her fingers through Carmilla’s hair. “You’re human. And even if she wasn’t good to you over the last few years, that doesn’t mean that she never cared about you. Even… even if she had a hard time showing you, it doesn’t mean that you were never worth anything to her. Even if things changed after she found out about… she still gave you something you didn’t have as a kid. She gave you a chance.”

Carmilla swallowed hard at that, the thought honestly not even having occurred to her but of course, Laura would understand. Of course, Laura would pinpoint her fears and anxieties and give them back to her in a neat little package. Because Laura knew her. Laura loved her. Laura wanted her around.

“I just… I feel so lost right now, Laura,” she said, her voice still quiet.

“I know you do, but you’re not lost. You’re right here, with me, and I’m not going to let you go. I’m not going to let you face this alone.”

 _You deserve to be alone. You definitely don’t deserve this incredible girl here, holding you, trying to make it better. You don’t…_.

“You’re… you’re really not going to leave?”

“Carm, why would I leave?” she asked, quietly, gently combing her fingers through black tresses.

“Because I…” She couldn’t even finish her sentence.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise you,” she said, gently brushing her lips against Carmilla’s forehand and pulling her closer. Carmilla simply nodded, feeling a few more tears roll down her face, unsure of what was going to come, but knowing she never wanted to face it without Laura.

* * *

**_Present_ **

Laura studied the girl next to her, watching for any little changes in her face, her voice, anything.

It was a lot to take in, obviously. She knew Lilita had passed but she had no idea that that particular story would play out like that. She had no idea that that’s what they’d been through.

Carmilla finally turned towards her, her eyes sad but there was a curiosity underneath and she immediately knew why.

“It’s okay. I’m okay. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere then. That hasn’t changed, alright?” She reached up, running her cold fingertips along Carmilla’s jawline, smiling softly when the older girl leaned into her touch.

The sun had set about half an hour earlier, taking the warmth of the day with it, and it would soon be completely dark out. Laura moved closer to Carmilla along the boulder, the dark-haired girl’s natural warmth drawing her in.

“Thank you,” Carmilla said quietly.

“For what?”

“Just, for being you. For being so understanding and for not running away from me every time I turn into a complete and total mess.”

“You’re not a mess,” Laura giggled. “You’re human, Carm. You’re allowed to have flaws.”

“I know. I just… as scary as it is, I want **you** to know that. I want you to know that I’m not this amazing, perfect girlfriend. That I fuck up.”

Laura replayed the words in her head, smiling softly when she realized just how much she’d been parroting that at Carmilla lately. But even after this…

_Probably should’ve made sure she knew I never expected her not to have faults._

“Carmilla, I know you’re capable of messing up. But just because you make mistakes, that doesn’t make me think any less of you. And it doesn’t mean I think you’re any less amazing or any less perfect for **me**.” Carmilla turned to her curiously and she smiled at the other girl’s confusion, unable to help herself. “I don’t need you to be the world’s definition of perfect to be what I need. To be what I think of as my perfect partner.”

Carmilla’s eyes softened, the corner of her lips pulling up just the tiniest bit and Laura couldn’t stop herself. She leaned in, kissing her softly, letting their foreheads rest together for a long moment before pulling away with a shiver.

“Can we head home now? It’s starting to get chilly.”

“Sure thing, cupcake. I’ve got some gloves on the bike you can wear on the ride back,” she said as she stood and pulled Laura up with her, the two slowly walking back towards the bike quietly, hand in hand.

“Can I ask you one more thing?” she ventured as they reached the motorcycle.

“Of course. Though I doubt you actually only have one question bouncing around your mind at this moment.”

“True, but for now… why’d you bring me here today?” she asked as she put on the gloves Carmilla had passed her.

The older girl looked surprised by the question, clearly expecting something else.

“Um, well, I guess, I just wanted to share it with you. It’s kind of like my two safe places coming together,” she said with a shrug.

“Did I have a safe place that wasn’t you?” she asked, watching Carmilla shrug again and look down at her feet, the toe of her boot unwedging a loose pebble beneath it.

“I mean, maybe,” she finally said. “But I guess we all need something. Maybe… maybe you can find a new one since… well…” Another shrug and Laura felt her heart ache for a brief moment before she smiled softly.

_Always jumping to conclusions. Man, what a pair we are._

“I don’t think I’ll have to look very far,” she said, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist, looking up at the dark-haired girl. She smiled softly at the curious look in Carmilla’s eyes, giving her a little squeeze as she did.

“Oh.”

She giggled slightly, moving forward and capturing Carmilla’s lips in a soft, reassuring kiss, staying close as they pulled apart.

“You okay?” she asked, smiling sweetly as Carmilla just nodded. “Come on. Take me home. I’ll make us some hot chocolate and we can snuggle on the couch for the rest of the night.”

“That sounds… pretty awesome, cupcake,” Carmilla answered with a smile, kissing her once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks all. Thoughts? Please speak up.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	30. Where My Heart Knew Its Way And My Soul Was Ever Wise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Carmilla is ready to move forward (in more ways than one) and Laura tries to figure out how to make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts in italics.

“Dammit!” she exclaimed, another box falling down on top of her as she dug through the depths of the guest room closet. For as tidy as their home was, she found that this particular area seemed to be the catch-all for all the random odds and ends that she and Carmilla had apparently accumulated over the years.

She’d searched everywhere else in the house, looking for the scrapbook she knew she’d started years ago with all her old Silas photos, memorabilia, and articles from college. She distinctly remembered Perry helping her organize the large blue binder after she’d started to accumulate more and more pictures of their little group of friends, as well as articles from the Silas University Times with her name attached to them. She’d been so proud and excited to see her words in print that she’d held onto the stories in a shoebox until it had gotten to be close to full and she decided she should probably come up with a better system.

She hadn’t thought about the scrapbook in years, having stopped the collection after graduation but she’d suddenly thought of it the night before as she laid in bed, next to Carmilla, the dark-haired girl fast asleep, spooning her tightly, face nestled against the back of Laura’s neck.

She’d been unable to fall asleep for some reason that night. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was the four cups of coffee she’d had that afternoon, trying to keep her fingers and her mind going as she worked on a new article for The Independent. Maybe it was just the fact that her brain didn’t want to shut off, continuing to process everything that had come up over the last couple of weeks, sorting facts into neat little piles. Maybe it was because only a couple of hours earlier Carmilla had had her pinned to this very bed, lips suggestively making their way down her neck, her hands drifting under Laura’s t-shirt, both of them slowly grinding against each other. Everything felt so incredibly amazing, and she was loving every second of having her girlfriend on top of her, her weight welcoming. And then she felt Carmilla’s hand move further up her rib cage, cupping her breast, her thumb dangerously close to her nipple and she’d snapped back to reality.

“Wait! Stop!” She’d pulled back, looking up into Carmilla’s hazy, lust filled eyes as the older girl attempted to catch up with her and the fact that the smaller girl was softly pushing her away. Laura closed her eyes tightly for a moment, sighing heavily and hating that she still wasn’t quite ready.

_Dammit, why can’t I get myself together? Why do I keep doing this?_

She knew it was solely her issues holding them back at this point. Carmilla had made it abundantly clear over the last couple of days after the afternoon at the cove that she was ready. All the overly flirtatious comments and exceedingly seductive looks. The way her lips wandered just so when they kissed, along with her hands. The way she held Laura just a little closer, a little more suggestively. Even if she didn’t know the older girl as well as she once had, she’d have to have been completely oblivious not to pick up the heavy-handed signals Carmilla was laying down.

_Not that complete obliviousness is that farfetched, but…_

“Wha… What’s wrong, cupcake?” Carmilla had quickly pulled her hands away as though she’d been burned, Laura feeling the loss immediately and hating just how much it bothered her. Shaking her head in frustration, she’d sighed once, looking away as she felt the blush rise on her cheeks.

“Crap, I’m… I’m sorry, Carm. I just…”

“Shh, no, it’s fine,” Carmilla panted from above her, suddenly looking a little embarrassed herself. “I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.” She started to move off the smaller girl but Laura immediately reached up and grabbed ahold of her hips, keeping her in place and looking up into those dark eyes that were so utterly captivating.

“No, don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. And it’s not fine, Carm. I… I know that you’re there… but I’m just…”

“Hey, Laura, no, it’s okay. You’re not ready. I get it.” She softly smiled down at the smaller girl, her eyes understanding, and leaned forward, leaving a reassuring kiss on her forehead. And then one on the bridge of her nose. And then her right cheek. And then the fading scar along her chin. And then finally her lips, meeting them softly once before rolling off the tiny brunette and pulling her close. Laura sighed, turning onto her side and resting her head on the older girl’s shoulder, letting her fingertips softly dance across Carmilla’s torso.

_This is so stupid. Why can’t I get over this? Ugh, you’ve been with her for years!_

Those missing years were still part of the issue, obviously. She knew nothing about the intimate part of their relationship. But she’d found some of Carmilla’s original fears on their relationship as a whole bleeding into her worries about them finally sleeping together. What if things **were** different than before? What if **she** was different? What if Carmilla was expecting one thing and she could **never** give it to the dark-haired girl?

“I’m really am sorry,” she said a few minutes later, her voice quiet.

“Cutie, I told you, it’s fine,” Carmilla answered, combing her fingers on one hand through Laura’s hair, using the other to turn off the bedside lamp.

“If I were any other girl, you’d be having a lot more fun right now though.” She couldn’t mask the self-deprecating tone in her voice, cringing as she heard herself. But Carmilla simply chuckled, the vibration in her chest passing through Laura’s ear, and left another soft kiss on her forehead near the faint scar along her hairline.

“But you’re not. You’ve never been just any other girl, Laura. And you have no idea how fucking happy I am for that.” Laura couldn’t stop the slight blush that rose on her cheeks as she snuggled in closer, a small smile on her lips as the comfortable silence surrounding them took over until Carmilla had dozed off, leaving Laura to her own thoughts.

She’d eventually rolled to her other side, smiling softly when she felt Carmilla roll with her, the older girl wrapping around her from behind. She’d pulled Carmilla’s arms tighter around her torso, relishing in the feeling of safety and comfort they brought her. She hadn’t been lying before; Carmilla was her safe place and she shuddered at the memory of those first few weeks following the accident when she didn’t know that to be a fact.

The story she’d been told that day at the cove when she’d reassured the dark-haired girl of that safe feeling was definitely unexpected. She knew Carmilla could be off-putting and snarky. She knew she could be stubborn and obstinate. She even knew that the older girl had that fire in her when it came to a fight. But she never expected that that fire would be directed at her, especially when it wasn’t even a situation that had anything to do with her. She could see the remorse in Carmilla’s eyes as they sat there near the water, the breeze adding a chill to the moment. That remorse had lingered just below the surface for the rest of the night, even after the mood had been lightened by copious amounts of cocoa and some lighthearted Netflix. She understood why though. After all, she’d come down on herself after hearing the stories about Danny even though she couldn’t remember them specifically. You didn’t hurt someone you loved so deeply without carrying a bit of guilt inside you afterward, even if you were forgiven.

Laura had to admit that even though the fight and Carmilla’s words and actions had shocked her, she was so incredibly grateful that the other girl had told her the story. Carmilla was right; they hadn’t gone over seven years in each other’s lives without each messing up. The fact that Carmilla had made such a grave error and then had the guts to admit it for a second time, years later, when otherwise Laura would be none the wiser, made her feel so much closer to her girlfriend. Carmilla might be a master of holding back, but her honesty was something Laura couldn’t help but admire and appreciate. She didn’t want to go back into this relationship, not having any knowledge of any of the darker sides of their life together only to be blindsided when something unpleasant came up later on.

 _Of course, none of this would be necessary if my stupid brain would just remember,_ she thought with a sigh. Even though she’d mostly given up on the notion that her memory would ever return, she couldn’t help feeling a little cheated. After all, she’d earned all those years, the good and the bad. To just have them completely wiped away, leaving nothing in their wake seemed so monumentally unfair. And what did she have to show for it? Mementos she couldn’t identify? Keepsakes that confused her? Pictures of events she never knew she’d attended?

And that’s when the thought of the scrapbook came to her mind and she wondered if she would find anything new to her. Obviously, she remembered starting the collection, but that didn’t mean she would remember everything that she’d saved. They’d been going through all these college memories together. Maybe if she went through the book, she might find more times that she and Carmilla shared, that they both remembered, even if she couldn’t remember the dark-haired girl being there.

She’d found the book about an hour earlier that afternoon and had quickly skimmed through it, focusing mainly on anything she could quickly identify as something having to do with Carmilla, but not finding anything that really stood out or caught her attention. Of course, there were pictures of the two of them. There were cards from holidays and birthdays, signed with love from her girlfriend that she couldn’t help but smile at. There were little notes, reminders, and even Carmilla’s graduation pamphlet. But nothing that really caught her attention and made her step back with an ‘a-ha!’

 _Dead end,_ she’d thought as she’d closed binder and glanced back at the open closet. And that’s when she wondered what else she might find stored away, leading to the current snooping excursion that had found her standing in front of the tipped over box whose cardboard corner had just painfully made the acquaintance of her shoulder.

She was attempting to scoop the contents of the fallen box back together when she noticed a pile of photos that had spilled out. She reached for the eight-by-tens, intending to put them back as neatly as possible when her attention immediately focused on what the pictures were actually of. She stepped away from the closet and leaned back against the desk, slowly flipping through them, taking in each detail as she did. It was clearly some sort of abandoned building, the halls overgrown with moss and covered with years of dirt and debris. Paint was chipped off in huge chunks along the walls and ceilings. Dust inches thick covered every available surface. A set of stairs could be seen along the sides of certain photos, sagging with splintered steps and missing spindles. Wallpaper was peeling off in sheets along different walls, aged and yellowing. Graffiti could be seen in certain corners, but even that looked old and faded. It was haunting but somehow…

 _Incredibly beautiful,_ she thought as she continued to flip through.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been standing there, looking over the prints, the rest of her surroundings fading away to nothing and her goal of finding anything else that might spark a memory quickly forgotten as she found herself completely entranced by the photos in hand.

“What’re you doing?” Carmilla asked, her head peeking into the room. Surprised, Laura squeaked and quickly looked up, startled and holding the prints against her chest to calm her rapidly beating heart. She hadn’t even heard the older girl come home.

“Oh my god! Make noise!” she chastised, still attempting to get her bearings. “Like once in a while. You’ve got the stealth thing down, okay? Let’s practice notifying your prey of your approach.”

“My prey huh?” Carmilla chuckled as she made her way into the room, smirking and wiggling her eyebrows for effect. Laura just rolled her eyes, unable to stop smiling as she leaned back on the desk. She stayed there until Carmilla met her, hands immediately finding her hips as she leaned in, leaving a soft kiss on her lips. “I like the sound of that.”

“I’m sure you do.” Carmilla just chuckled again before looking down at Laura’s hands. “So what did you find this time?” she asked, her thumbs now softly moving against Laura’s sides, just under her shirt, calming but also slightly distracting.

“Oh… um, I’m not sure,” Laura answered, showing her the photos in hand and watching as Carmilla’s teasing smile immediately faded and she pulled her hands away, shoving them into the back pockets of her leather pants. “Are these yours?”

“Yeah. They’re um… they’re some of the first pieces I tried to sell on my own,” she said with a shrug, appearing completely indifferent, a stark contrast to her flirtatious attitude from less than ten seconds earlier.

“Oh? Wow, that’s so cool!” Laura heard the excitement in her voice, unable to mask it. “So you still have the originals?”

“I guess,” she shrugged again before turning away and moving out of the room without another word.

_Crap._

What had she done?

_You invaded her personal space!_

She sighed, the excited smile slipping from her face, and neatly set the photos down on the corner of the oak desk, cautiously following in the direction Carmilla had gone, out of the office and down the hallway towards the kitchen where she found the dark-haired girl with her head already buried in the refrigerator.

“What did you want to do for dinner?” she asked, her voice a little muffled from behind the stainless steel door.

“Oh, um… I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine.”

She watched other girl stand up, tipping her head from side to side, tapping her toe as she contemplated the contents in front of her, apparently no longer interested in the topic of the photos.

Laura carefully approached, sitting down at the island and waiting until Carmilla closed the refrigerator, and turned towards her, her face blank.

 _Dang it,_ she thought, hating that she’d messed up. It wasn’t like she’d done it on purpose but this wasn’t the first time her curiosity gotten her stuck in a jam.

“Carm, I’m sorry.”

“What for?” she asked, her brow furrowing.

“The pictures. I just… I found them and I… I shouldn’t have assumed it was okay to look at them.”

“Cutie, how many times do I have to tell you?” Carmilla’s lips curled into a small smirk and Laura had no idea what was coming. “This is your home. Everything here is yours, as much as it’s mine. It’s… ours, okay? I don’t mind you going through that stuff.”

Laura’s face scrunched up just the slightest in confusion, now completely befuddled at what had just transpired between them.

“But, well, you just seemed… I don’t know. Upset or something?”

“Not at you, cupcake,” she said with a reassuring smile. “I really don’t mind.” She paused for a moment, glancing down at her feet with a shrug. “Those photos just… I’m not really that proud of them. They aren’t very good.”

“What?! Carm, they’re beautiful. A little cryptic. Kind of dark, but… well, that can still be beautiful.”

“I think you’re the only one who sees the beauty, Hollis,” she said with a sardonic chuckle, still avoiding Laura’s gaze.

Laura paused, unsure if she should press onward, not wanting to make this into an issue but also finding her curiosity overwhelming at the moment.

“Why do say that?” she asked cautiously.

“Just… they weren’t very popular,” Carmilla said with a shrug, her eyes finally meeting Laura’s.

“What do you mean?” she asked, shifting slightly on her stool. She watching Carmilla look away again and sigh, apparently not thrilled with where this conversation was heading but preparing for it nonetheless.

_Dammit._

“I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about this.”

“No, it’s okay, Laura. I um… I tried to do a show with the series a couple of months before you graduated, hoping to get my name out there and try to get something started. We didn’t have a lot of money then, as you know, so I wasn’t able to really promote the show that well. Not like I could’ve even if I had the money though,” she chuckled again. “That’s why I ended up getting JP a couple of years ago. He’s much better at that sort of thing. But, anyway, I got a small space that agreed to host the show. I worked my ass off for weeks and then like only four people showed up that night. I only sold one print. It was… well, it was a really bad night.”

Laura watched the faint blush hit the older girl’s cheeks, her embarrassment after all these years still there, lingering just below the surface and making Laura’s heart ache for her.

“Oh, Carm, that’s… I mean, what I just saw… those pictures are incredible. I’m sorry that that particular show didn’t go as planned but… that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be proud of them.”

“They were just a drop in the bucket. A piece of the failure puzzle that was my life at that time,” she said, still refusing to meet Laura’s eyes.

“Carm…”

“No, it’s okay. Obviously, things got better. And, well, you were always there.” She paused for a moment, looking up across the room, appearing to be lost in thought and Laura waited. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you were there. But… sometimes I think it made everything harder.”

_Ouch._

“Oh. Okay, um… I’m not sure what to say to that. That’s… probably not a good thing,” she said, glancing away for a moment, feeling her own cheeks heat up at the thought.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Carmilla said, finally looking at her, her expression opening up as she did. “I’m sorry. I just meant, screwing myself over and failing was one thing. But failing you… well, I never wanted to fail you, Laura. And there were times when it felt like that was exactly what I was doing.” She paused and slowly walked around the island, taking the stool next to Laura’s, sitting down carefully. “It was… well, it fucking sucked, cupcake,” she finally said with a chuckle.

“But you didn’t. Not really,” Laura said, eagerly reaching for her hands, entwining their fingers. “I mean, I’m still here. And you’re still here. And we’re still… us.”

“That we are, cutie.”

“We kind of had a rough year then, huh? I mean, between the jobs and…  your mother,” she added carefully.

“You don’t have to tiptoe around it, Laura. But yeah that wasn’t the best, at least outside of us. Other than me being a complete and total ass after Lilita passed away, the two of us were good. Which I think is the only reason we got through. If we didn’t have each other at that point, I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened to us individually. I mean, I was seriously considering giving up photography. Giving up art altogether. I hadn’t drawn in months. You were **so** frustrated after you lost your job at the District Journal. And you ended up getting fired from three different restaurants because it turns out you make a terrible waitress.”

“Oh my god, I remember that!” Laura said, groaning as Carmilla laughed at her. “I can barely walk and talk at the same time without tripping, I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to wait tables.”

“You found that job at that little coffee shop though and apparently, you’re pretty good with caffeinated products. Shocking.” Carmilla laughed again softly when Laura rolled her eyes. “But… even with all that, when we were together, just the two of us, it was all just background noise. It didn’t matter.”

“That’s… you know, that’s not that hard to believe,” Laura said, squeezing at Carmilla’s hands and pulling her close. “I think we make a pretty good team. It’s… it’s good to have someone backing you when you’re low and helping you get back up when you fall down.”

Carmilla just nodded, a soft, thoughtful smile on her lips as she did.

“Seems like we’ve gotten some practice with it. Which is probably a good thing, considering the situation we’re in now,” Laura said, giggling softly.

“So all those years of supporting one another was just kind of practice for this?” Carmilla said with a chuckle. “I have to say, I don’t think I was completely prepared.”

“You and me both.” She smiled softly at the older girl, continuing to play with her fingers as she did, contemplating whether or not she should vocalize her current thought. She knew it was most likely true but at the same time, it’s meaning far outweighed the risk. “But… honestly, I don’t think there’d come a situation where you’d turn away from me… right?”

She looked up, staring deeply into Carmilla’s eyes, searching for any indication, any flicker, that she was wrong, but all she found was soft, warm depths.

“No, there isn’t,” Carmilla said, reaching up and pushing some of Laura’s hair behind her ear, making her smile and sag a little in relief.

“And… I’m starting to think there’s nothing that could really drive me away from you.” This wasn’t a big ‘I love you’ but it was as close as she could get at this point and it felt important that Carmilla hear it. “Even with everything that’s happened… you’re still what I want.”

“You know, I think I’ve heard that before,” Carmilla said with a smile and Laura just smiled back as the dark-haired girl leaned in to kiss her.

* * *

**_Four Years and Seven Months Earlier_ **

Carmilla took another sip from the beer bottle in hand, half listening to Kirsch, half looking around the backyard at the party surrounding her. It was kind of blowing her mind, standing in the lot, surrounded by friends and strangers for this little celebration. When Laura had told her about the party a few weeks earlier, she’d been confused. Did people still throw housewarming parties? Let alone people their age? And more importantly, how in the hell had LaF and Perry been able to pull this off at twenty-three?

Of course, she didn’t voice these questions. She simply nodded and agreed to attend the little shindig the gingers were throwing. Laura had picked out the gift they’d brought and when they’d showed up a little over an hour earlier, Carmilla had been a little less than impressed with the abode. A couple of missing shingles from the roof, faded green shutters that looked as though they might blow off the house at any moment, and paint that was cracked and crazed along the porch caught her eye. It was definitely a fixer-upper but…

_It’s theirs. It’s their home._

And when she saw Laura’s eyes light up when they’d walked inside to the scent of fresh baked cookies, the walls newly painted with brass fixtures adoring them, and shiny wood floors beneath her feet, she had to give credit where credit was due. The house was ‘cute’ if she were to describe it offhand. Not necessarily her taste and not that she would ever use the word cute unless describing Laura. But it fit the situation and the house was… **very** LaF and Perry.

“Dude! Are you even listening?” Kirsch asked, finally grabbing her attention fully, his eyes wounded.

“Oh, um, no, not really,” she said shaking her head to clear it. He cocked his head to the side curiously as she shrugged and walked away, moving towards where Laura was standing at the corner of the back deck, all alone with a thoughtful smile on her face.

“Have I told you how incredibly beautiful you look in this dress today, cupcake?” she asked as she wrapped an arm around her from behind, leaving a soft kiss on her jaw.

“Why, yes, I think you have. In fact, I think you’ve told me that a couple of times today,” she said with a giggle, turning in Carmilla’s arms and wrapping her own around the dark-haired girl’s waist. Carmilla just smiled softly at her, squeezing her once and leaning in to leave a proper kiss against her lips.

“Lemon tart?” a perky voice asked from beside them, effectively ruining her plan. She turned with a sigh to Perry, standing there holding a tray of an assortment of mini tarts, her smile out in full force.

“Oooh, did you make any of the chocolate ones?” Laura asked, perusing the tray. Perry just smiled and pointed to the corner where she’d apparently stashed a few for Laura, who happily took two, biting one in half as she began to speak.

“Seriously, Per, this is so awesome.”

“Oh, well the secret is the heavy cream.”

“No,” Laura giggled. “I mean the house. This is so beautiful and… I mean, I can’t believe you have a house!” she said with a giggle. “It’s so cool!”

“It is pretty killer, huh?” LaF said as they joined the group grinning brightly.

“It still needs some work but I think we can manage just fine here for a few years. Plus, it makes more sense economically,” Perry said, her eyes moving around the exterior of the house and Carmilla guessed she was trying to size up just how much it was going to cost them to fix everything to **her** specifications.

“Totally. I mean, because of its condition, this place is actually cheaper than our old apartment. Plus, it’s ours. Way better than throwing money away every month with rent,” LaF added, their never-ending smile firmly in place.

“Now, LaFontaine, there’s nothing wrong with renting,” Perry chastised, quickly jerking her head towards Laura and Carmilla.

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean…” LaF floundered, the smile finally dropping from their mouth. “Of course, there’s nothing wrong with renting. I just meant for us… well…”

“It’s fine, LaF,” Laura said with a laugh as they continued to struggle. “But seriously, this is so cool you guys. And we’re so happy for you both. Right, Carm?”

She watched Laura turn to her expectantly and hated that the Bobbsey Twins were looking just as eager.

“Uh, yeah,” she said, sipping from her dark amber bottle and looking away uncomfortably.

Not that she wasn’t happy for them. But...

“Well, we’re thrilled that you’re both here. Enjoy the rest of the party,” Perry added, slipping back into hostess mode as she shuffled off, LaF in tow.

“It really is a cute little place,” Laura said, looking around the yard. Carmilla took in the wistful smile on her face and felt her heart sink. Sure a house would be great, someday. A place to call their own. But that was so nowhere close in their immediate future since they were barely getting by as it was with their meager apartment. “Per said Mel and Kirsch have been doing most of the work for them, which is pretty awesome and saving them a ton of money.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“And with saving all that money, they’re able to do more stuff, which is pretty cool.”

“Yep,” she said, popping the ‘p’ and looking away again.

“Plus, I mean, being able to do this so quick out of school!” she added, her eyes wide in wonderment, smile bright as ever. “I’ve… well, I’ve always wanted a house of my own, you know? Somewhere that’s really mine and… well, not just mine. I mean, it would obviously be ours,” she giggled nervously, anxiously eyeing Carmilla for her reaction and pressing on when none came. “But I just can’t imagine being able to do it so young, like they have.”

Carmilla sighed, taking another sip from her bottle, stalling as she tried to think of something, anything to say or to change the subject to. She already felt bad enough about how difficult things had been for them over the last few months. This party was not helping that fact.

That didn’t mean they’d never get there, of course. She obviously didn’t know what the future held for them. But if that was what Laura wanted, she wanted to get it for her.

“Well,” she started, “maybe one day-”

“Hey! Little nerd hottie! We need a fourth,” Kirsch called, attempting unsuccessfully to juggle a couple of beanbags from one of the yard games that had been set up, most likely at LaF’s suggestion as Perry was already side-eyeing the group and scowling.

“Coming!” she called back, her smile not diminishing in the slightest as she turned back to Carmilla. “You want to come over and watch? You know Kirsch and Danny are bound to fight about something. There might even be shoving…”

Carmilla just shrugged but allowed Laura to pull her back out into the yard, glancing back at the house as she did and sighing heavily in defeat.

* * *

“So… that was fun, huh?” Laura asked, nervously fidgeting near the sofa, watching Carmilla close the door behind them and make her way to the refrigerator to grab a bottled water.

Carmilla just shrugged and hoisted herself up onto the kitchen counter, her face completely blank, her thumbs rubbing at the bottle’s label.

“Their house is so pretty on the inside. I know the outside needs a lot of work, but still. It’s… it’s kind of weird to think that they actually have a house. It’s so grown up, you know?” she tried again, slowly making her way through the room towards her girlfriend.

“Yeah.”

_Ugh, come on, Carm, give me something._

“I’m… I’m really happy for them,” she tried again.

“Sure.”

“Ugh, okay, what’s going on?” Laura finally cracked. “You’ve been monosyllabic and moody all afternoon. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Ugh, Carmilla Karnstein!” She watching Carmilla’s eyes slowly meet hers, the dark-haired girl’s masterly bored face etched in place. But Laura knew better. One look in those dark brown eyes and it was a dead giveaway. “Please talk to me. Are you mad at me about something?”

“No, of course not,” she said, looking away and shaking her head.

“Okay, are you mad at someone else? Did someone say something to piss you off?” she ventured.

“I’m not mad,” she quietly answered.

“Okay, well, did someone hurt your feelings?” Carmilla just rolled her eyes and huffed incredulously. “Don’t do that, I know damn well you have feelings. You’re not impervious to everything.” She moved into Carmilla’s space, stepping between the older girl’s legs, placing her hands on the thighs of her black jeans and gently moving her thumbs back and forth, studying the other girl’s face. “Come on, talk to me. Please.”

She waited a long moment, knowing that Carmilla would eventually come around but hoping that it would be sooner rather than later so that they could work through whatever it was that was so obviously bothering her.

Carmilla set the water bottle aside and looked down, playing with her own fingers in her lap, sighing softly as she did.

“Are you… are you unhappy?” Stunned Laura watched Carmilla look up to meet her eyes, clearly searching for something, though she wasn’t sure what.

“What? Of course not! You see me every day, you know I’m like the most cheerful person around,” she giggled, but Carmilla didn’t laugh. In fact, she just looked away, staring back at her restless fingers in her lap.

“No, I meant, are you unhappy with us? With our life together?”

 _What?_ Laura paused for a moment, her smile falling, completely thrown by the question and unsure of where it was even coming from.

“Carm…?”

“LaF and Perry are doing so well for themselves. LaF’s got their job at the school and Perry’s already been moved up to head chef at the restaurant. And they have a house, with more than one room, and… things. Nice things. New furniture and stuff to hang on the walls and… I guess…” She waited as Carmilla trailed off, the dark-haired girl sighing heavily as she did. “Do you… do you wish that… that we had those things? That we had… something?”

“Oh, Carm.” Laura moved her arms up around the older girl’s waist, pulling her closer to the edge of the counter, resting their foreheads together. “That’s what this is about?”

“I just… I mean, it’s not like we’re living this super great life here.”

“What’s wrong with here?” she asked, reaching up and brushing Carmilla’s hair behind her ear before cupping her cheek.

“Well, look around you, Laura.” The edge to her voice was unmistakable and Laura instantly knew just how much this was upsetting her girlfriend. “We’re in a studio apartment, barely scraping by every month with nothing more than what you see here to show for it. I mean, my art show… total shit. Nobody wants my stuff. And I can barely even get small jobs! You’ve tethered yourself to a complete loser. Your dad’s right, I’m going to end up bartending the rest of my life.”

“Stop it! No, you are not. And, Carm, even if you did bartend for the rest of your life, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t think less of you because you work hard. But you’ve got to cut yourself some slack. You’re just getting started. You can’t expect to be some big name photographer right off the bat. It’s going to take some time. And… and that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere and I’m not going to think any less of you.”

Carmilla just shrugged and looked away, and Laura stood a little taller, determined not to give up.

“Look, yes, LaF and Perry are doing well for themselves.”

“So are Xena and the party girl! You saw that rock on Betty’s finger. That had to cost the mastodon at least seven or eight grand! Do you know how long it would take me to earn eight grand?!”

“Well, you know the rule of thumb is to spend at least two month’s salary on an engagement ring…” She took in the over the top eye roll and clearly unamused look on Carmilla’s face, before redacting her statement. “But that’s not the point, right. I’m sure Danny’s savings took a hit, and a completely unnecessary one because, you’re right, that thing could easily sink the Titanic.”

“So you’re saying you wouldn’t want something like that?” Carmilla asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “You don’t want a beautiful ring or a nice house or nice things or-”

Laura cut her off with a gentle kiss, smiling when she felt the older girl lean into it just the slightest. It wasn’t enough to completely win this battle, but at least now she could get her attention back.

And while she loved that Carmilla loved her enough to want the best, she hated that Carmilla just could seem to grasp what Laura already knew and the point that she was trying to make.

“ **You** are what I want,” she said as she finally pulled away, her eyes gazing lovingly into Carmilla’s. “Our life together is what I want. This life is what I want.”

“Laura…”

“No, I’m serious. Carmilla, when have I ever come across as the superficial girlfriend who only wants to keep you around because someday you might be able to buy me a fancy new car or exquisite china? There’s public transportation everywhere you go now and I’m so clumsy, fine dinnerware would be a waste of money.”

Carmilla momentarily glanced away, her expression starting to crack ever so slightly and Laura sighed happily, knowing she was starting to get through. She waited until the dark-haired girl’s eyes met her own again, smiling softly when they did.

“I love you, Carm. And whether we live in a mansion by the sea with twenty servants, sitting in solid gold chairs or stay right here, in our adorable little studio apartment, eating frozen meals and saltines for the rest of our lives, that’s not going to change.”

“What if we have to move to somewhere even smaller than this? And end up eating ramen noodles every night?”

“Well, I like the shrimp flavored ones, which you know,” she said, making Carmilla chuckle softly, “and if our place is smaller than this, that means I get to cuddle up to you even more often because we’ll always be close.”

Carmilla just looked at her, a hint of gratitude in her eyes, hidden within the sadness.

“Look, what our friends have… what anyone else has, it doesn’t matter to me. I have you and that’s all I want.” She watched her raise a skeptical eyebrow and rolled her eyes, still smiling, “I mean, yes, I want a job and I want my friends and stuff but… I want you. You are such a big part of what makes me happy. Just because things aren’t easy or because we don’t have what our friends have, that’s not going to change. I’m not going to bail on you.” She paused for a moment, cupping Carmilla’s cheek and leaning forward to let their lips briefly meet. “And… I know I’m what you want,” she added teasingly, smiling harder when Carmilla’s lips twitched ever so slightly at the edges. “Which, I totally get. I mean, I’m pretty irresistible.”

“Irresistible? Really, cupcake?”

“You know you can’t resist me,” she said smiling, leaning in once again, her lips teasingly meeting Carmilla’s, this time even softer.

“Oh really? I beg to differ,” Carmilla said, her voice dropping ever so slightly.

“Or… we could say that it’s a mutually irresistible issue. Because…” She trailed her lips along Carmilla’s jawline, hitting all the right spots as she made her way to her ear. “You know I can’t resist you, Carmilla Karnstein.”

She smiled, biting at her lower lip when she heard Carmilla swallow loudly as she lingered near the other girl’s ear, her hands coming up and slowly working the buttons on her red flannel, pushing them through their holes and leaving the shirt hanging open. She moved back to Carmilla’s lips as she pushed the garment off her shoulders, smiling when Carmilla sighed and kissed her, hard. She felt Carmilla push her back as she hopped off the counter, her hands landing on Laura’s hips as she guided the smaller girl across the room towards their bed.

Pulling away, she smiled again, spinning them around and pushing the other girl down onto the bed before quickly reaching for the hem of her dress and pulling it off, watching Carmilla’s eyes hungrily roam the newly exposed skin. The dark-haired girl moved to sit up, reaching but Laura stopped her, kneeling on the bed and pushing her back once again as she moved to hover over her.

“Told you, you can’t resist me,” she said, still smiling as she leaned down to kiss an already panting Carmilla.

* * *

**_Present_ **

She thumbed through the prints Laura had found, still not feeling that great about them, the memory of her ‘failure’ still faintly stinging. They weren’t actually **that** bad. The lighting in some even made her want to go back to the abandoned home and maybe try again. Shaking her head and shrugging, she moved to put them back into the box they’d been stored in when something else caught her eye.

She shuffled the contents around, smiling softly when she saw what was there. Pulling another bunch of photos out, she sat back on the floor, slowly thumbing through the small collection.

Laura had decided she felt like pancakes and had immediately taken over the task of making them dinner so Carmilla took it upon herself to clean up the mess Laura had left in the office. She could hear her humming softly as she gathered up the ingredients for the batter so she knew she had a few minutes before she’d be missed.

She fingered the edge of the photo in hand, smiling even harder at the print before flipping to the next one and outright laughing.

“What’s so funny in here?” Laura asked, peeking her head in.

“I thought you were making dinner.”

“I am but I figured I’d change my shirt first. I didn’t want to end up splattering all over myself,” she said, gesturing down to the now torn band t-shirt covering her torso.

“I swear, Hollis, you’ve stolen more of my shirts over the last couple of weeks than you have in years.” Laura looked down and simply shrugged before looking back up.

“It’s your Clash t-shirt. I always do messy stuff in it,” Laura said.

Carmilla felt her eyebrow quirk ever so slightly because Laura was right. That was the go-to t-shirt she’d look for any time she didn’t want to make a mess of her own clothes, which was inevitably bound to happen. But…

_That t-shirt’s been buried at the bottom of my drawer since before the accident._

What did this mean? Why was ninety-nine percent of Laura’s memory still missing, seemingly gone forever, but these little one-off situations kept popping up where she’d just do or say something so completely out of the blue, without even realizing it, like it was any other day?

“You just… found it?” she asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of her voice.

“No, it was in the dresser,” she said with another shrug.

Carmilla swallowed hard, hoping she wasn’t giving anything away at that moment. She didn’t want to get her hopes up but more than that, she didn’t want to get Laura’s hopes up. Besides, these things that kept popping up were so small. Seemingly completely insignificant. And when she compared the amount of time Laura had been without her memory to the number of things she’d **actually** remembered, it didn’t look promising. But still...

“So seriously, what’s so funny?” Laura asked once again, clearly not noticing Carmilla’s pause.

“Oh. Um… nothing’s funny, I just found some more pictures that I’d forgotten about,” she said, shaking her head, deciding her attempt at decoding whatever the hell this meant would have to wait.

She looked back down at the portrait, chuckling once again, taking in the photo of Laura clearly caught off guard and sticking her tongue out at Carmilla and the camera in defiance.

“You clearly were taking these when I wasn’t expecting it,” Laura said, now standing above her and staring down at the photo.

“I like to keep you on your toes, cupcake.”

Laura just giggled, leaning over and leaving a quick kiss on the top of her head before leaving the room, and making her way back to the kitchen.

Carmilla smiled after her before turning back to the stack, flipping from one photo to the next. They were all Laura. Some of her actually smiling at the camera. Some of her clearly caught off guard and possibly irritated. The rest, she wasn’t even sure Laura knew they’d ever been taken.

She was a gorgeous subject, there was no question there. Carmilla could probably spend hours drawing or photographing her and still think so, but that was nothing new. Setting the photos back in the box, she finished cleaning up and made her way out to the kitchen.

“Decide to skip the trip down memory lane?” Laura asked, looking over at her as she finished putting away the ingredients for their dinner.

“Figured I have the real thing out here, I should probably take advantage of that,” she said, coming around the counter and wrapping her arms around the smaller girl.

“I love how brilliant my girlfriend is,” Laura teased with a smile, making Carmilla chuckle.

It was such a normal moment. One that she never would’ve given a second thought to before the accident. One that she probably would’ve taken for granted and not appreciated just how wonderful it was. She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

“I love you, Laura,” she said, smiling softly, leaving a gentle kiss on her lips. She watched carefully as she pulled away, noticing the reticent look on Laura’s face and instantly felt the minor panic in her chest. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Laura croaked before clearing her throat. “I’m fine.”

Carmilla watched her for a long moment, the smaller girl’s eyes sad and refusing to meet her own.

“Laura…?”

But the tiny brunette just shook her head, forcing a smile to her face that was less than convincing before stepping towards the stove. Carmilla watched, sighing as she finally understood.

_Dammit._

The first time she’d said it, she thought she was losing Laura. She thought they were over and so what did it matter if she said it. The second time, once again, she was in panic mode, worried Laura really believed that she no longer wanted this relationship and she’d felt compelled to say it. To let Laura know that she did want her, that she wanted them. The third time, it had merely tumbled out of her mouth. Laura had been a tad emotional, what with the jealousy she felt that night sitting in the pit of her stomach. But that time, it didn’t just feel like she was trying to reassure the smaller girl. It felt natural. It felt right. It was part of her vocabulary before the accident and since then, it felt like she’d locked those words away. But after Laura hadn’t panicked at the words, there seemed to be no reason to hold them back anymore, so she hadn’t. She’d said it more than once since then, but apparently she’d been wrong and had torn the lock off too soon.

“It… it bothers you.”

“What?”

“When I tell I love you. It bothers you,”  she said, stepping back and looking away. “I’m sorry, I should’ve known better. I… I won’t say it anymore.”

“No! No, Carm, that’s not it at all,” Laura said, quickly turning back to her, her eyes wide and pleading. “When you say it… it’s so nice to hear. And I can feel it. I know you do and… I just… does it bother you that I don’t say it back? Because it **really** bothers me.”

Carmilla sighed and looked away, nervously shoving her hands into her back pockets, and shrugged.

“Laura… it’s not fun and that’s the truth. But, I understand why. And I don’t blame you for not being able to say it.”

“But… but that’s not okay. Carm, I’m trying, I really am!” she said, her voice edging on desperate as she took a step closer, her hands anxiously clenching in front of her.

“Laura, you can’t make yourself love me. You can’t just snap your fingers and feel a certain way.”

“I know but… I don’t like hurting you.”

“I know that.” Carmilla stepped forward, taking Laura’s face in her hands, their eyes glued to one another’s, intense. “You know, you said something to me a couple of weeks ago. You asked how I would feel if our positions were reversed in this. You asked if I would want you feeling guilty and I said no. And I meant it. That still stands Laura. I don’t want you feeling bad about something that you can’t control. And… well, again, if our positions were reversed, you wouldn’t fault me if I couldn’t say it you.”

Laura just nodded, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s torso and burying her face in her neck, inhaling deeply as she did.

“It’s okay, Laura,” she said, swallowing hard, hating what she was about to say but knowing it needed to be said. “I don’t want you to feel pressured to say it. If… if we get there, we get there.”

“When!”

“What?” She looked down, confused, attempting to see Laura’s face but unable to since it was still buried against her neck.

“When we get there. Not if, Carm. When,” she said softly and Carmilla just nodded, leaving a soft kiss on her temple.

She hoped they would get there. She really did. The thought of her feelings for Laura going completely unreciprocated wrecked her. The thought of being so completely head over heels in love with the tiny brunette when Laura didn’t feel the same way made her chest feel like it was going to explode. But…

_You don’t know what’s going to happen. So just appreciate what you have with her. If this is all you get, at least you have this._

* * *

She stared at herself in the mirror, heaving a despairing sigh as she did, the conversation with Carmilla playing over and over in her head, just as it had all evening.

_“If… if we get there, we get there.”_

_“When!”_

_“What?”_

_“When we get there. Not if, Carm. When.”_

Did Carmilla really think that they weren’t going to get back to that? Did she really think that Laura wasn’t going to fall in love with her? Did she really not realize that it was already happening?

The thought of Carmilla’s doubt about Laura’s feelings absolutely crushed her. She’d understood the older girl’s reservations surrounding the situation weeks ago when Laura herself was still so unsure, but so much had changed since then. Couldn’t Carmilla see that? Or was she really that insecure about Laura redeveloping her feelings for her? The idea of an insecure Carmilla was completely laughable. Most of the time. But Laura had seen that vulnerability, that worry from deep inside the dark-haired girl, that she simply wasn’t good enough.

_Which is ridiculous because she’s easily the most amazing human ever._

She had to do something. Something more. But what?

“This is so stupid,” she grumbled, finally looking away in frustration.

She stepped out of the bathroom, her gaze falling on the other girl already in bed, on her back staring blankly at the ceiling, and she somehow felt even worse. She had to keep trying. She had to keep showing Carmilla that she cared, that she wanted them to be together. She would put forth whatever effort she had to in order to get them there. To get them back to where they were. Taking a deep breath she slowly moved towards her side of the bed, pulling the blankets back, and carefully sliding in.

“Do you have plans for tomorrow?” Laura asked quietly as she turned off the lamp from her nightstand and rolled over, carefully wrapping her arm around Carmilla and resting her head on the older girl’s shoulder.

“Work stuff. Hopefully it won’t keep me all day but I’ll be gone for a good chunk. Why?”

“No reason, I just was wondering…” she trailed off, snuggling in closer, the usual calm that came with Carmilla’s proximity warring with her worries. “Work stuff? That’s… pretty vague.”

She waited for an answer but all she got was a simple shrug in the dark.

“I mean, I don’t need a play by play. I just… I realized today that those pictures are really the first ones I’ve seen of your work,” Laura said, feeling her face heat up as she admitted it. “And… I’m sorry, I should’ve paid more attention and asked more questions. I mean, it’s important to you and-”

“Cutie, it’s fine,” Carmilla said, threading her fingers through soft brunette locks. “You’ve had a lot to catch up on over the last couple of months. My stuff… it’s not that important.”

“I know I’ve had a lot to catch up on but that doesn’t mean it’s not important,” Laura said, looking up at her girlfriend, studying her face carefully. “We said we were going to talk more about this stuff, but you’ve been pretty mum on the subject. So… talk to me. Do you still draw or paint?”

“I do,” Carmilla said, her eyes closed. “Not as often as I’d like to but, occasionally, I just can’t deny my muse anymore.”

“You’re such a tortured artist,” Laura teased, poking at Carmilla’s chin and making her smile softly. “I haven’t actually seen you draw. Since I’ve been home, I mean.”

“I’ve been a little preoccupied.”

“And your photography, I know you do some advertising and commercial stuff but… well, did you ever do another show? After the one that didn’t go so well?”

“The advertising and commercial stuff are what pays the bills, kid,” Carmilla said, and Laura felt her shrug. “I have done other shows though. None as bad as that first one and over the last couple years, they’ve almost come off as passable.”

“I’m sure they’ve been great.”

“Nearly sold out at the last one,” Carmilla said, shrugging again.

“Yeah, that’s passable,” Laura said, rolling her eyes and giggling softly. “You should be proud of that.”

“You were pretty happy about it,” Carmilla said quietly.

“I’m sure I was. I wish I could remember. But… well, you know I’m still proud of you, right?” she asked, trying to keep the eagerness out of her voice.

“Mmm,” she heard Carmilla sleepily mumble.

“Um, Carm… that wasn’t really an answer.” She waited a moment, finally looking up and seeing the dark-haired girl had already fallen asleep. It seemed she hadn’t quite caught up on all the sleep she’d missed out on over the last couple of months.

 _Dang it,_ she thought, sighing heavily in defeat. _I need her to understand. I need her to see that this isn’t just something I’m doing to bide my time. I need her to know just how much I really care about her and about the life we built together. But… what am I going to do?_

“I’m going to make this right. I promise,” she whispered, her heart heavy at the thought of hurting the other girl. Sighing softly once more she leaned forward, leaving a soft kiss against the bottom of her chin. “Good night, Carm,”

She swallowed hard, laying her head back on Carmilla’s shoulder, fighting the tears welling in her eyes as she felt the older girl instinctively pull her closer, holding on tight.

“I promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, everyone.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	31. A Yearning, And It's Real To Me, There Must Be Someone Who's Feeling For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura accepts the past, Carmilla accepts the future, and they're cute as fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to check out the Spotify Playlist [What's Mine is Yours, Always](https://open.spotify.com/user/blue_bolt/playlist/5WjqS6hZMNtMrGJy8y3Azs?si=5KcD1IspThCpoe5mz-_11Q&nd=1) for this weeks song. Thanks again to speakingwithoutpermission for making this because dude, you rock. This weeks one gives me the feels.
> 
> And don't forget about the missing song from Chapter 29 from the incredibly talented stillcookiedough, [Enough](https://soundcloud.com/user-350216954/enough-demo-v-2). Beth, you're awesome.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

She heard the heavy sigh on the other end of the phone, knowing exactly what that disappointment felt like and how disheartening it was. She’d been living with that very feeling for weeks now, so it wasn’t new, but wishful thinking also wasn’t something she particularly wanted to continue to entertain. After all, wishing for something that was never going to happen was a waste of time.

She twirled around on her stool at the kitchen island, her eyes becoming unfocused as she did. She’d admit that she’d spent a fair amount of time over the last couple of months wishing that her memory would return. Wishing she could go back and fix everything. And realizing that wishing did absolutely nothing. She couldn’t magically get back all that she lost and she couldn’t reverse time and make herself wake up in the hospital with no issues other than the ones the doctor had already set straight. Waking up in that narrow bed and actually discovering that gaping hole in her memory had been… well, unpleasant, to put it mildly.

It wasn’t even something that she immediately realized. She’d simply felt fuzzy and dazed when she’d finally opened her eyes, but she knew where she was and she knew how she’d ended up there. She’d happily attempted a relieved smile when LaF and Perry had moseyed into her room just a few minutes after her eyes had fluttered open, the two apparently just coming in to sit with her and not having any idea she was actually awake. But as soon as their eyes had met hers Perry had skipped to her bedside, rapidly pressing the call button for her nurses and asking in a million different ways if she was alright. LaF, on the other hand, had moved back to the doorway, their gaze anxiously moving back and forth from her in the hospital bed towards something or someone down the hall.

“Where is she?” LaF’s tone was one of utter panic and Laura found herself even more confused, since, well, she was awake now. Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

“I told her to take her time. The poor thing’s been sitting here for over a week, she needed to get out for a bit,” Perry argued, still pressing that call button as she attempted to help Laura in any other way that she could.

“Don’t worry, L. Carm’s coming,” LaF said as they pulled their phone out of their back pocket, tapping at the screen and pressing it to their ear.

“Wha…?” Again, Laura knew who she was. She knew where she was. But after eight days of being unconscious, groggy and disoriented didn’t even begin to cover the feelings in her brain.

“Dammit, she’s not answering!” LaF said, pulling the phone away from their ear, still frantically looking around.

“I’m sure she’ll be here soon, LaFontaine,” Perry said, smiling when one of the nursing staff finally entered the room, the curly haired girl stepping away from the bed and towards the doorway. “Laura, sweetie, don’t worry, alright? We will find her.”

“Find who?” she asked, her voice gravelly and hoarse from a week of not using it. She watched as her friends left the room, splitting in different directions as they did, her question apparently unheard. She tried to keep her focus on them but the nurse checking her vitals and asking her questions was getting in the way. She tried to concentrate. She tried to answer the questions to the best of her ability. And apparently, she did well enough considering the nurse left just a few minutes later with a soft smile and the promise to immediately call her doctor.

 _What the heck?_ She struggled into a more comfortable position, feeling a harsh pull along her chest and an ache in her torso. Reaching for the bedrail, she felt something awkward and heavy on her left hand, limiting her ability to adjust in the narrow bed. _Crap, did I actually break my arm,_ she thought as she finally recognized the cast adorning her forearm. _Ugh._

She didn’t have to wait that long for a doctor to walk into the room, smiling politely and going through the same rigmarole that the nurse had; looking over her vitals, having her move her limbs, and making her answer some basic questions. Do you know who you are? Do you know where you are? What year is it?

What was wrong with these people? She was fine! Everything ached but it was nothing she couldn’t handle.

“Still looking for her, Frosh!” LaF said, popping their head back in the room for two seconds before rushing back off.

“LaF!” she called after them, but it was no use. She continued to lie there, looking around the overly sterile room after the doctor left to set up some additional tests, noticing all the machines she was actually hooked up to, beeping softly, rhythmically all around her.

She looked up at the clock on the far wall, watching it slowly tick around as her friends continued roaming the building, only stopping by every ten to fifteen minutes, barely peaking their heads in to reassure her that they were ‘going to find her’ before popping back out again in a frantic haze, completely ignoring her attempts to get their attention.

“Her who?!” she finally called, completely exasperated by their shenanigans. A commotion down the hallway caught her ear and she glanced up, noticing Perry standing near her doorway again, smiling anxiously in the direction of whatever was happening.

“There you are!” she heard LaF call from somewhere unseen. “We’ve been calling you for the past hour, why didn’t you answer your phone? You and Sherman have both been totally MIA and it’s really not okay!”

_Dad? My dad’s here!_

“What’s going on?” she heard a voice answer but she didn’t recognize it. Maybe someone else’s super annoying friends were on a crazy witch hunt too? But then she heard the tone change, nervousness creeping in at the edges and she immediately worried. “Did something happen? Is she-”

“Awake! She’s awake!” LaF answered.

_Okay, seriously, what the heck is going on here?_

“Are you serious?”

She saw Perry nodding excitedly from her doorway before stepping aside and a dark-haired girl about her age stood there, looking a combination of shocked and relieved and terrified and probably a dozen other overwhelming emotions. And then she smiled. And dammit if it wasn’t the most beautiful thing Laura could ever remember seeing.

_Oh wow._

“Hey, cupcake, about time you woke up. I’ve missed those gorgeous brown eyes.”

She watched the new girl approach her bed slowly, carefully reaching out and gently taking hold of her free hand, her skin so warm and soft and… _wait a minute, who is this?_

“How are you feeling?”

“Um, I don’t know. Sore. Confused. Tired.” _Wondering why the hell this beautiful woman who I’ve never seen before is staring at me all teary-eyed like I’m the sun and the moon and the stars._

“I think that’s the fewest words I’ve ever heard you use,” the dark-haired girl chuckled, the sound plucking at something deep within Laura’s chest, confusing her even more. She swallowed hard as she felt a squeeze to her hand, the other girl’s thumb tracing invisible patterns across her knuckles.

“Yeah… I just um… I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” she said, her voice so unsure and confused.

“Don’t understand what, cutie?”

_Okay, just because she’s hot, that doesn’t mean I’m going to stand for these pejorative nicknames._

“Laura, sweetie, you were in a car accident. But everything is going to be fine,” Perry added and Laura could hear the distinct worry in her voice.

_Ugh! I’m not stupid!_

“Yeah, I know. I remember the crash. I was on my way back from researching that article on bee pollination and you’d just called to invite me over for movies.”

“Yeah, Per was starting a batch of double chocolate brownies when you guys hung up,” LaF said, their smile firmly in place.

“Right, I remember I told her I desperately needed a pick me up and she offered.” _Why did I need a pick me up though? I got everything I needed for that article._ “I just, I don’t remember…” She trailed off, still feeling that soft thumb move against the back of her hand. _What is she doing?! Who is this? This… this isn’t…_ She carefully pulled her hand away, worried she’d spook the other girl if she moved too quickly but needing some space.

“Don’t remember what? What is it, Laura?” the girl asked carefully, her brows pulling together in confusion.

“Who are you?”

She’d watched the other girl’s face fall just slightly and felt that stupid pulling sensation in her chest again. _What the heck is that?_ And the disappointment continued to take over the girl’s face as the minutes ticked by, even when she made a joke and called her another stupid nickname after Sherman came into the room, his presence instantly calming her.

Try as she might, she couldn’t stop thinking about her for the rest of the day, even after the hospital staff had brought her back from another round of tests and all of her friends had gathered around her, laughing and joking.

_Where’d she go? Did I imagine the whole thing?_

But when the beautiful stranger reappeared in her doorway a little while later, looking absolutely devastated, she felt it crush her. Whoever had hurt this girl, they didn’t deserve her pain. They didn’t deserve her sorrow. They didn’t deserve-

“This is Carmilla,” Perry said, standing near her bedside.

_Oh-kay… is that supposed to mean something?_

“Right. Carmilla. And you are…?”

_Beautiful._

“Um, she’s kind of your fiancée, Frosh.”

_What?!?!?!_

In all her years, that was never how she pictured being introduced to the girl that she’d agreed to spend the rest of her life with. Her fiancée? How? When? What alternative universe had she fallen into?

“I just don’t understand,” Sherman said once again, the exasperation in his voice clear as day and echoing through her phone, bringing her back to the present conversation. “Why isn’t there something that they can do for you? There has to be some way to trigger your memories.”

He’d called her to check in just twenty minutes earlier and after a quick rundown of what was new with her writing, her friends, and Carmilla, he’d started in on the accident and her memories. It wasn’t that she didn’t expect the conversation to take this turn. It seemed to go in this direction every time he called anymore. But there was nothing new for her to offer in the way of information.

“Well, unfortunately, there really isn’t,” she said as she stopped her spinning, propping her sock covered feet on the other empty stool.

Except for the soft music coming from the corner of the living room, the house was silent. Carmilla was gone for the day, having left that morning around ten, and she’d spent the day working on some of her articles and checking her email constantly for any news on the others she’d submitted for publication, only taking a break when Sherman had called to catch up.

“You’re telling me with all the things modern medicine can do now that they can’t find some simple way to help you? I mean, they can cure diseases, they can regenerate cells, hell, they can make bald guys like me grow hair again! So why is it they can’t find some way to make this right? I mean, you’re missing your life! You’re missing someone so important to you! You’ve lost that, it’s just gone!”

“Dad! Stop,” she giggled at last, his tailspin becoming far too much for her. “Look, I know. I get it. But… it’s been two months since the accident. I’m… I’m not going to get it back, okay? I hate it but… but it’s alright. I’m alright.”

“I just hate this so much, sweetie. You’ve lost so much and you’ve lost some really great stuff.”

“I know,” she said, shrugging even though he couldn’t see her. “But at least I didn’t lose anyone in my life. Everyone’s still standing by my side. I still have all my friends. I still have you. I still have Carmilla.”

“She’s a good kid, Laura.” He paused for a moment and she kept quiet, sensing he had something more to say. “You know, I didn’t like her at first. Not one damn bit.”

“Yeah, I gathered that,” she giggled. “But honestly, dad, were you ever going to like any girl that I brought home?”

“You’ve got a point there, kiddo. But with her, it was something else entirely. I always wanted you to find a girl that deserved you and all you have to offer. And when I first met Carmilla, she definitely didn’t fit the bill.”

“But that Karnstein charm finally won you over didn’t it?” she teased, giggling again.

“I don’t know if I’d put it that way, sweetie,” he said, chuckling softly.

“Well, what way would you put it then?”

* * *

**_Four Years and Six Months Earlier_ **

Laura smiled into the camera, giggling slightly when Sherman stepped back to get a better shot and almost tripped on an overgrown tree root, catching himself just in time and accidentally snapping another picture as he did.

“Dad, I think you got it,” she said, hoping they wouldn’t be making a trip to the hospital when he inevitably fell and broke something.

“Just one more,” he said, refocusing through the lens and snapping at least a dozen more pictures, the smile on his face easily rivaling Laura’s as he did. Finally satisfied he made his way back towards her, immediately wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her to his side, the mortarboard atop her head jostling just enough to fall off.

“I think you dropped this.” She heard the familiar voice behind her and smiled brightly as she turned, taking in Carmilla standing there sans the normal tight worn and torn look. The older girl had been able to find a pair of fitted black dress pants and a jacket hidden in the back of their closet and Laura had to admit, even though she loved the worn and torn look, the sight of a dressed up Carmilla always did… something to her.

“There you are!” Laura exclaimed, quickly moving towards the dark-haired girl and wrapping her arms around her waist. “I was starting to wonder if you got lost in the crowd and just went back to the apartment.”

“No, I just thought I’d give you some time… with your dad,” she added, seeming a little anxious as she briefly hugged Laura back before stepping away and turning towards Sherman.

“Ah, Carmilla, nice to see you again,” though the tone in his voice indicated it was anything but. Laura shot him a warning glance before reaching for Carmilla’s hand, interlacing their fingers as she did.

“You too,” Carmilla mumbled, attempting a small smile.

Laura looked between the two, curiously, watching and waiting. This was only the second time they’d actually met but she was hoping it would be much more pleasant and comfortable than the last time.

_Yeah, right._

“Um, how was your flight?” Carmilla asked after an awkward moment of silence.

“Just fine. Minor layover but, well, nothing was keeping me away from Laura’s big day,” he said, turning back to the smaller girl, that prideful smile back and brighter than before.

“We’re still planning to grab dinner and LaF and Perry are meeting us,” Laura said, turning back to Carmilla, her eyes hopeful and pleading. “Are you sure you can’t come?”

“Sorry, cutie. In fact, I need to get going. I still have to run home and change before… um, before work.”

“Okay, I understand.” She really tried not to let the disappointment leak into her voice but it was there, plain as day. “But… well, I’ll wait up for you.”

“It’s going to be late,” Carmilla said quietly, clearly more than a little uncomfortable with the conversation.

“I don’t mind,” she reassured her, feeling a little lighter when Carmilla smiled softly and squeezed her hand once. “But before you go, can we take one picture, just the two of us? I mean, we’ve got the ones of you in the cap and gown. I think it’s my turn.”

“Sure, cupcake. Whatever you want.”

“Dad, would you mind?” she asked, turning towards a frowning Sherman.

She heard him mumbling under his breath as he walked a few paces away to get them both in the shot, his old, brown sport coat blowing in the breeze. She wrapped an arm around Carmilla’s waist, smiling into the camera as Sherman begrudgingly took a few quick photos, trying to hold back her giggle when he shoved the camera in his pocket and looked away, clearly not wanting to continue with any further interactions. She would’ve been mad at his childish behavior but she was too busy smiling at the feeling of Carmilla’s lips pressing against her cheek.

“I really have to go, creampuff,” she whispered in her ear and Laura nodded, understanding. “You looked beautiful today and I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks, Carm. Have a good night at work,” she said, pulling her lip out of the pout she knew she was sporting and smiling softly up at her girlfriend. She knew Carmilla had tried to get the night off but considering it was graduation weekend, it was a lost cause.

“Have fun, at dinner,” she said, kissing Laura’s forehead as she did before turning and walking away, Laura watching her go.

“Certainly doesn’t have a problem with the whole PDA thing, huh?” Sherman said once Carmilla was out of earshot. Laura rolled her eyes, wondering how he even knew that term, before turning back to him, seeing his frown still in place, and giving him a warning look. “And not that I’m complaining, but she really couldn’t find a way to spend your big day with you?” he asked as Laura made her way back towards him.

“Dad…” She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration as he shrugged. “Can we just go, please?” she asked, her irritation evident. “LaF and Perry are probably waiting for us.”

* * *

It was a few hours later that she found herself unlocking the door to her apartment, Sherman only a step behind her. Dinner had been fun. They’d talked and laughed and, of course, Sherman had enjoyed LaF and Perry’s company, just as he always did.

“Do you want something to drink or anything?” she asked as the door closed behind them and she watched him look curiously around the room. It was definitely neater since the last time he’d visited, a few more decorations adorning the walls, and Laura’s things were now intermingled in with Carmilla’s, but otherwise, nothing else had changed.

“Eh, no, I’m okay.” She nodded and grabbed a soda for herself, continuing to watch him out of the corner of her eye, noting he seemed to be stuck on one of the few paintings that had been recently added to their mostly bare walls after the minor breakdown that LaF and Perry’s housewarming party had caused.

“Where’d you get this?” he asked, pointing at the piece and glancing in her direction.

“You like it?” she asked, taking a step forward, anxiously tapping against the aluminum of the can.

“I don’t know much about art, sweetie,” he said with a huff. “But, I suppose so. It’s… well, it’s nice. It’s… warm, I guess.”

“It’s Carm’s,” she answered, smiling a little at his obviously surprised expression. “She painted it about a month ago.”

“Oh…” he trailed off, looking away from it and around the rest of the room, glancing at the few other paintings with the same style, his eyes finally landing on one of the bookcases in the corner. She watched him tip his head to the side curiously as he stepped forward, carefully reaching out, and picking up the item that had caught his eye. She smiled as he turned it round and round in his hands, carefully, his eyes taking in every detail.

“She made that too. Gave it to me for our first Christmas together,” she explained. “She’d seen the picture of you and me in my room at my old apartment and I’d told her about that day. So she painted that for me.”

“I see. That’s uh… that’s something,” he said quietly as he carefully set the ornament back on the stand Laura had found for it. He cleared his throat before turning back to her, attempting to even out his expression as he took a seat on the couch. “So, when will Carmilla be home?”

_Why can’t he see how great she is?_

“Not until late. Probably around three or so,” she answered, gingerly taking a seat on the arm of the sofa, facing him.

“In the morning?!”

“Bars stay open late on weekends, dad,” she giggled.

“Oh. So, she’s still doing that?” She heard the disappointment in his voice as his expression went hard again and felt it grate ever so slightly at her already frayed nerves.

“Bartending, yes, she’s still doing that. Among other things.”

“Like what? Sleeping all day and goofing off with this art crap,” he grumbled, motioning around the room.

“Dad!” Her voice raised in volume as she was pushed closer to the edge. “She’s actually still working at the record store, part-time. They liked her so much that they kept her on after the season was over. And she’s still taking photos whenever she can.”

“Well, if she’s so busy how does she have time for anything else?” he asked with a frown, his tone harsh. “What about spending time with you? That’s not a priority?”

“She really doesn’t have time, dad. At least not very much. But what little time she does have, she spends most of it with me,” she said, playing with the tab on her soda can. “Once in a while she might meet up with friends but she doesn’t really have much luxury free time to use up.”

“Not much of a relationship if you two aren’t seeing each other that often.”

“Dad! Come on, she’s working so hard and she does that for us. We have responsibilities and we both take that very seriously. That means we have to make sacrifices.”

“Sweetie, now I offered to help you with-”

“I know!” she interrupted. “I appreciate you offering, really, I do, but dad, no, we don’t want that.”

“It’s what you do for your kid, Laura,” he argued.

“It’s what **you** do,” she grumbled, thinking that even though Sherman was a pain, at least he was still there and he still loved her.

_Far more than I can say for Carm’s mom._

“Oh. Right. She uh…” he trailed off, looking away for a moment. “How’s she doing with all of that? Losing her mom and everything.”

“Okay, I guess. We flew out to Chicago for the funeral but… it was very cold and impersonal. Mostly just business associates and stuff. It didn’t feel like a mourning.” She smiled slightly, the corners of her lips turning up just so. “She got to see her brother and sister though. So she was happy about that, even if it was just for half a day.”

“And, uh… what about after?” She looked up, taking in his uncomfortable demeanor, her head tilting curiously, wondering why he was pressing the issue. “I mean you were so young when your mom… I just… I mean, I’m sure it’s not easy for her, losing her mother at twenty-three,” he finally stuttered out.

She knew it was still hard for him to talk about her mother even after all these years, and while Laura did miss her greatly, she didn’t have that many memories of the woman. Little bits here and there. Making cookies and ‘helping’ her garden and bedtime stories. They were few and far between, the memory of a four-year-old not much to go on. But she’d never felt cheated because what she did have was time with her dad. Memories of the two of them, thick as thieves, and for that, she would always be grateful.

“She’s trying to sort through it,” she said with a shrug, her thoughts shifting to Carmilla and how she’d handled the last few months. “They um… they didn’t have a great relationship.”

“Not surprising,” he attempted one last jab.

“Not her fault, dad. Lilita… she wasn’t a kind person. She… there are things about Carmilla that she didn’t like. Things that Carmilla can’t control,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully which was getting harder and harder by the second as her frustration with his attitude grew.

“I’m sure that’s not entirely true, Laura. I’m sure she’s told you stories but I doubt she’s as innocent as she proclaims to be,” he huffed.

“And I’m sure that if you ever cut me off for following my dream and then disowned me for being gay, you wouldn’t be saying that!”

_Dammit!_

Her eyes immediately widened at the admission, replaying it in her head. She honestly hadn’t meant to let it slip out like that, it just happened. But he’d been pushing and pushing since he found out about Carmilla and she was sick of it!

“I mean… well… it’s just…” she stumbled. How was she going to recover from this one?

“She… I… really?” Sherman’s face had quickly morphed from irritated to astounded and Laura saw the wheels in his head turning as he tried to understand. She sighed deeply, sagging into herself and looking away, hating that she’d revealed this to him.

“It’s really not my place to say. It’s… it’s her choice who she decides to tell those fun little facts to. I shouldn’t have just aired that out there. She… it’s not something she really tells anyone.”

“I… I mean, I just can’t imagine ever telling you to get out of my life because of who you love.”

“Really?” She cocked an eyebrow at him just so, secretly a little pleased when he looked away uncomfortably. “Look, again, it’s not my place. But don’t assume you know everything about her just because you already have it in your mind that she’s not good enough for me and that I deserve better,” Laura said, her eyes serious, watching him carefully.

She knew as far as Sherman Hollis’s standards of measurement, there wasn’t another human being alive on this planet or any others that would ever be good enough for his little girl. But dammit, if there was ever a chance of convincing him otherwise, she wanted Carmilla to be it.

“Yeah, well, uh… is that new computer?” he asked, pointing at where her laptop sat on the coffee table in front of them, clearly looking for a change in topic. She just rolled her eyes and slid down the arm of the sofa and onto the cushion, pulling her knees into her as she did, tired of fighting this.

“Yeah,” she sighed.

“Did you finally use that fun money I’ve been sending you?” he teased.

“No. Carm actually got it for me for Christmas. She wanted me to have something more reliable and newer for after graduation.”

“Oh. Well, that was… thoughtful,” he said, his voice seeming like it was almost painful for him to admit. “And it’ll come in handy. New job at the Silas Times.” She saw the sad smile on his face and she couldn’t help feeling a little guilty. She already knew he was disappointed that she wouldn’t be returning to Toronto but the idea that she wouldn’t even be moving any closer had been a hard pill for him to swallow.

“Yeah, it will. I… look, dad, I know you wanted me to come home, but this is a great opportunity for me. I honestly didn’t think I even had a shot at an interview, let alone actually getting the job when I applied for it.”

It had been on a whim that she’d even done so. And when she’d told Carmilla about it, she’d realized that she actually **really** **did** want the job. Staying in Silas hadn’t been part of her plan when she’d moved there four years ago but now, well, she’d made the little city her home and she liked it there.

But after she’d interviewed and then been offered the position, she realized that this was about more than just a job and she had inadvertently made a choice for her **and** Carmilla, one way or another. If Carmilla didn’t want to stay in Silas, she would either have to suck it up and be miserable or she’d have to say goodbye to Laura and to them. Of course, another option would’ve been to turn down the offer, and if Carmilla really was completely opposed to staying, then that’s what she would do, though the thought left her beyond disappointed.

Her initial excitement had worn off as this thought occurred to her and she’d spent the rest of the afternoon following the offer fretting, biting at her nails and pacing the floor as she waited for Carmilla to come home. Of course, the dark-haired girl had immediately picked up on the vibe when she walked in the door that night and after Laura had stumbled and bumbled her way through the news, the older girl had simply smiled at her, pulled her in close, and kissed her hard, only breaking away a few minutes later to tell her just how proud of Laura she was and insisting that she take the position.

“No, I understand, kiddo,” Sherman said, his focus now fixed across the room. “I’m not going to lie, I did want you closer. It’s not easy with you being all the way across the country but… well, I’m proud of you, Laura. I’m… I’m always proud of you.”

“Thanks, dad,” she said, smiling and feeling his words right in the center of her chest, her eyes pooling just slightly at the sentiment. She’d always wanted to make him proud and to actually hear it…

“What does Carmilla think about it? Is she willing to stay or…”

“Honestly, dad, I don’t know if she would’ve stayed here after her own graduation if it wasn’t for me. But now… I mean it’s home for her too. And she’s happy that I got the job. She supports me and I support her. We… we love each other. And we want to be together and… well… whatever it takes to make me happy, she’s willing to do it. Just like I’m willing to do the same for her.”

“She uh… she takes care of you. Doesn’t she?” He trailed off for a moment, looking down at his hands. “She’s good to you?”

“She’s amazing to me, dad.” She heard the desperation in her voice but she so badly wanted Sherman to get it through his thick skull. “She’s standing here at my side and she’s not going anywhere. She treats me better than I could ever even imagine someone treating me. I know… I know she’s a little rough around the edges sometimes. But she’s a good person and… I love her, dad.”

She watched him carefully, her eyes eager when he finally turned to her, his own brow furrowed.

“I’m never going to think anyone’s good enough for you, pumpkin. But if it’s going to be her in your life… as long as she doesn’t hurt you and treats you the way you deserve… well, then I guess I can’t really say anything, can I?”

“You can say that you’re happy for me?” she ventured, waiting another long moment as he glanced away, his shoulders heaving with the huge sigh he finally let out.

“I’m happy for you, Laura,” he finally said, his eyes meeting hers.

“Thanks, dad.” She didn’t expect those words to carry such a weight. But when combined with the love of her life, it mattered.

She quickly scrambled along the couch, wrapping her arms around his neck as she reached his side, hugging him tightly.

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” he said, holding her back just as tightly.

* * *

**_Present_ **

She pulled her jacket a little tighter around her, the chill that had descended over the little city over the last couple of days a stark contrast to just a few days earlier when she’d taken Laura out on the bike. Winter was definitely on its way, which had always equated to hours snuggled up with Laura and hot chocolate and watching the tiny brunette’s eyes brighten ever so slightly with every snowflake that fluttered down from the skies.

She smiled at the thought as she stopped in front of their building, kneeling over to retie her boot.

 _Hopefully, this winter will be no different,_ she thought. Laura watching the Christmas lights. Laura making her go out to walk in the snow just so they could go back home and warm each other up. Laura in her adorable toques and those wool mittens that were too big for her hands. Laura… walking towards her smiling.

“Hey, cupcake, where are you coming from?” Carmilla called, standing up, grinning as she caught sight of the smaller girl coming down the sidewalk from the other direction, smiling brightly, the sight making her stomach flutter just a tad.

_You are such a fucking sap for this girl._

“I wanted to pick up a couple bottles of wine. LaF and Perry called. They’re bringing over dinner so I figured we could provide the beverages,” she called back, holding a paper bag aloft and smiling brilliantly, making Carmilla’s heart skip a beat at the sight.

_Dammit, she makes a mess of my organs!_

She stood there, waiting for the smaller girl to catch up, adjusting her bag on her shoulder as she did. Dinner in with the LaFerry’s, while not her first choice, actually sounded pretty good right then. She was far too tired to worry about planning their evening, so if Laura had already taken the initiative, then who was she to argue.

“So what kind did you-”

She was cut off with a moan and a smile, completely taken off guard as Laura reached her and immediately wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s neck, kissing her hard as they met. Her own hands quickly found Laura’s waist, trying to catch up with the smaller girl’s lips as they met hers over and over, the tiny brunette finally breaking away with a smile, leaving her breathless.

“Well hello to you too,” she said, smiling at her girlfriend. “And not that I’m complaining, but where did that come from, cutie?”

“I missed you today. A lot,” she said, leaning in and kissing her again, this time a little slower but no less passionately.

_That’s… awesome._

“May I suggest you miss me every day then?” Carmilla said, still trying to find her wits as Laura pulled away, biting suggestively at her bottom lip, and tugged her into the building by the front of her jacket.

“Well, hate to break it to you, but I already do. Today was just… well, don’t complain,” Laura giggled as she pulled the dark-haired girl through the small and empty lobby to the elevator banks, wrapping her arms around the older girl’s neck again after repeatedly pressing the call button, pushing herself fully against Carmilla.

“No complaints here, cutie,” she sighed, unable to mask her surprise when Laura’s lips found her jaw, gently teasing their way around to her ear.

 _Thank god there’s no one else here right now,_ she thought as Laura hit a particularly sensitive spot just as the elevator arrived. Turning her head, she found Laura’s lips in another passionate kiss and pushed the smaller girl inside the box and into the back corner, lifting her as she did so, the smaller girl’s legs immediately wrapping around her waist. _Haven’t done this in a while._

She sighed deeply when Laura moaned into her mouth as their tongues met, the kiss only intensifying as the seconds ticked by. She felt the wine bottles in the bag heavy on her back, bouncing slightly against her shoulder blades, but didn’t care because Laura’s other hand had found its way inside her jacket, alternating between gripping tightly and roaming around.

She really wasn’t sure where this burst of passion had come from…

 _Oh come on, you want her and apparently, she wants you too so stop thinking and just enjoy it!_ she thought as she pulled her lips away, taking in Laura’s darkened gaze with a smirk before moving her lips further down her throat, leaving open-mouthed kisses on all the spots she knew so well.

“This is so not fair,” Laura groaned, leaning her head further to the side as Carmilla’s mouth found that super-sensitive spot just below her ear.

“Why’s that, cupcake?” she asked, not bothering to stop.

“Because you already know what I like,” Laura whined and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle against her neck.

“That I do, cutie. But are you really going to complain about that?” she asked as her lips continued their trek downwards, leaving another long open-mouthed kiss at the juncture of her neck and shoulder, at the same time her hands slid further up the back of Laura’s thighs, gripping tightly and pressing the smaller girl harder into the corner, making her moan again.

“Not even a little bit but… well, I’m more than willing to experiment to catch up,” she finally said as she threaded her fingers through Carmilla’s hair and pulled her lips back up to meet her own in a scorching kiss that left her breathless and aching for more.

“Seriously?”

Everything came to a halt when Carmilla heard the familiar voice behind her and she felt Laura pull her lips away with a pop, the smaller girl panting and clearly frustrated as she glanced over Carmilla’s shoulder.

“Ugh, dammit!” Laura groaned, sliding her feet back down to the floor and leaning into Carmilla’s front as she did, her head falling onto the older girl’s shoulder. Carmilla turned just enough to see the ginger duo standing outside the elevator, holding the doors open, hands full of bags of whatever they’d brought for dinner.

“Seriously, you’re adults and you have a perfectly good bed upstairs. Behind a series of doors. With locks,” LaF chuckled as they stepped inside the elevator, Perry following close behind, an almost giddy smile on her own face.

“Looks like the two of you are getting along well then,” the curly-haired girl added as she pressed the button for their floor.

She felt the vibration of Laura giggling into her neck before the tiny brunette pulled away, smiling up at her, lips swollen and perfect.

“We are getting along just fine,” she finally said after another giggle, turning towards their friends, still holding Carmilla close against her as she did.

“About damn time,” LaF said, still smiling widely as the elevator stopped and the doors smoothly slid open.

Carmilla turned back towards her girlfriend, the sight of the smaller girl smiling so widely at her, her cheeks slightly pink, eyes bright making her swallow hard.

_Goddamnit._

“Come on,” Laura said, pushing Carmilla back enough for her to sneak out of the corner.

“Why do you have the most annoying friends in the world, creampuff?” Carmilla grumbled as she allowed Laura to pull her out of the elevator, following said friends down the hallway.

“Aww, we love you too, bad seed. Now open the door, I’m starving.”

“LaFontaine, really. Let them be,” Perry chided quietly as she used her own key to unlock the door.

Laura just giggled and turned around, walking backward down the hallway, still fisting Carmilla’s jacket as she pulled her along, smiling ear to ear.

“They really are annoying, aren’t they?” she said, her eyes dancing when Carmilla leaned forward, capturing her lips once more as they stumbled through the doorway of their home.

* * *

“So… um, about earlier.” She heard the hesitation in Laura’s voice and looked up from her book as the smaller girl pushed herself off the doorway, where she’d apparently been standing, but for how long, Carmilla wasn’t sure. She’d been too engrossed in the story on the pages in hand to notice but she was out of the other world now and the worry in Laura’s voice scared her.

_Shit. You took it too far._

Dinner with LaF and Perry had lasted far too long in her opinion, LaF teasing her and Laura as Perry scolded them while sending sweet, pleased smiles towards the couple. Despite their innately annoying nature, she couldn’t help but feel grateful for the duo, though she’d never admit that out loud. After all, with everything that had happened, there were times where she knew she probably wouldn’t have gotten through the last couple months without their support. And there were definitely times Laura would’ve crumbled without them there to lend a helpful hand. Still, was it too much to ask to be able to make out with her girlfriend in the confines of a public elevator in peace?

“What about it? Are you okay? Was it… too much?” she asked worriedly, setting the hardback in her hands aside on her nightstand, her eyes never leaving Laura as she slid under the covers onto her side of the bed, the tiny brunette’s brow slightly furrowed.

“No! No, not at all. And I was the one who initiated it. I just…” She trailed off, looking unsure and Carmilla turned onto her side, propping her head up on her hand to mirror Laura’s pose. She reached out, taking Laura’s free hand in her own, running her thumb along the smaller girl’s index finger, making her smile softly. “I just wanted to say, whenever it does happen… well, I’m ready.”

_Really?_

Carmilla felt her eyebrows raise ever so slightly at the admission but otherwise just stared back, waiting.

“I mean, I know that you’re ready and I just wanted to tell you. And not because I’m trying to make a plan for it or anything. I just…”

“Well, that’s probably for the best, cutie,” she said with a soft smile, feeling herself relax at the admission. “You know, you tried to plan it years ago and…”

“Yeah,” Laura giggled, blushing slightly as she did. “I um… I don’t want to do that. I just… I want it to happen whenever it does. No pressure.”

“Well, that’s kind of how it went down the first time and… it seemed to work out pretty well,” Carmilla teased, rolling onto her back and pulling the smaller girl closer, smiling when Laura wrapped an arm around her torso and rested her head on her shoulder. She reached back, flipping the switch from the lamp on her nightstand, bathing the room in darkness and sighed at the familiar comfort at the moment.

“So I didn’t make another failed seduction attempt after that?”

Carmilla chuckled again, her mind running a mile a minute with all the memories related to Laura and seduction.

“No, not really.”

“‘Not really’ I didn’t try to seduce you ever again or ‘not really’ I wasn’t a total spaz about it?” she asked, giggling against Carmilla’s collarbone.

“Let me put it to you this way, cupcake,” she said, squeezing her once. “You’ve made many seduction attempts over all of our years together. That first time was the only one that ‘failed’ as you say, though, honestly I wouldn’t call it a failure myself.”

“Really?” she said, giggling, her voice holding a hint of teasing pride.

“Oh yeah, cutie. And…” she trailed off, leaving a soft kiss against Laura’s forehead. “I’m guessing there will be a slew of seductions in the future.”

“Does that go both ways?” Laura asked, a hint of hopefulness in her voice.

“Please, I’m sex on legs, Hollis. I don’t even have to try,” she teased, making Laura laugh once again.

“That I can believe,” she said, snuggling in further and leaving a soft kiss at the juncture of Carmilla’s neck and shoulder. She slid her left leg up and over Carmilla’s, humming softly when she felt Carmilla’s right leg wrap around it, keeping her in place.

“So, if you don’t mind, what happened today that had you missing me so much that you practically risked public indecency?”

“It was a kiss, Carm. Hardly indecent,” she said, smiling softly which Carmilla simply shrugged. “And I talked to my dad this afternoon. He was telling me about my graduation. About… well, that night, I guess.”

“What about it?” Carmilla asked curiously. “I mean, I wasn’t there for the after party, but I’m sure between the Hollis’s and the LaFerry’s you guys got up to no good. Drinking, dancing, hell, there was probably even two servings of cake.”

“Something like that,” Laura giggled, her fingers brushing back and forth just under Carmilla’s clavicle. “I remember parts of the actual ceremony. It was a beautiful day and the breeze was blowing the smell of lilac through the quad. And I remember the dinner afterward. We went to that little diner off Carlisle Street and I **did** have two slices of pie. Strawberry and they were delicious. But… but that’s all I really have. I can’t remember anything more.”

“That’s actually pretty good,” Carmilla said, smiling softly as she stared at the ceiling. “I can barely even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday.”

“Raspberry muffin and coffee,” Laura answered.

 _Of course,_ she thought, letting her fingertips tickle along Laura’s side, smiling when the tiny brunette giggled.

“But anyway, my dad was just filling in the gaps I guess. And… well, from what you’d already told me about meeting him and stuff… well, it was pretty obvious he wasn’t a big fan of you or us at the beginning.”

“Well, that’s not news, Hollis. I swear, if he could’ve kidnapped me and made me disappear on a deserted island somewhere so that you’d move on, he probably would have.”

“I’m not going to argue with that from when we started dating. But… well, I saw you two in the hospital. I watched you guys. After hearing what you told me and then seeing that, I just… I wanted to know what had happened. What had changed for him to come around.”

“Oh?”

“When I talked to him today, listening to him tell me that story… well, I get it now.”

Carmilla watched as Laura turned, looking up at her, and even in the dark room, she could see her, eyes bright, smile soft, and so beautiful.

“You’ve always been so good to me, Carm. Even when things get rough and even when times are hard. You’re always there and you’re always there for me.”

“Have you already forgotten what a mess I can be?” she asked, and though she meant it to be teasing, her tone was laced with self-depreciation.

“No, I haven’t. I know what you’ve told me. And I’ve seen you irritated and grumpy. I’ve seen you angry and ready to lash out. I’ve seen you frustrated and ready to give up. And that’s all allowed because from what I can tell, those times are few and far between and… well, you’re human, Carm. But more than that, even when those feelings come up, you’re still here. You’re still by my side. I just… I mean you’ve done so much in the last two months. And to hear the stories and know how much you did even before that… I just… I’m just so incredibly grateful for you.”

Those bright eyes were so open and honest to her at that moment and she found herself swallowing back the lump that had built up in her throat at Laura’s words.

“Cupcake, I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. And I do what I do because… well, you matter to me,” she said, leaning up and leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s forehead. “And even more than that, Laura, I don’t want you thinking for a second that you haven’t done the same for me.”

“In the past, yes. But I want to keep that up. Even now. I… I care about you so much, Carmilla. You… you know that right?” Again with the eagerness in her eyes and Carmilla had to look away before it overwhelmed her.

Did she know Laura cared about her? Sure. Did she know how much? Kind of. Was she still worried that Laura would never fall for her? …

“I know you do,” she mumbled, taking the easy way out.

“As long as you know…” Laura said, laying her head back down and holding on to Carmilla even tighter.

“Yeah,” she said, swallowing hard again.

“And my dad really does love you now. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” she said again, combing her fingers through Laura’s hair. “He… he was a little warmer towards me after your graduation. And then, well I guess it still took some time, but we both tried and… eventually, I guess he just accepted it.”

“Did your… I mean… well, your mother never really liked me, did she?” Laura asked quietly and Carmilla hated it. Hated that Laura would worry about that. “I mean, I know it doesn’t matter because, well, you guys didn’t have the same relationship I have with my dad. I’m sorry, that was a really stupid question and I’m not even sure where it came from.”

“It wasn’t stupid, Laura. I mean, you only met her the one time and, honestly, you never really cared about winning mother’s favor.”

“Still don’t,” she grumbled and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle. “But… well, what about Mattie and Will? I mean, they… they like me, right?” Laura asked and Carmilla couldn’t help but pull her closer, the hint of nervousness in Laura’s voice not sitting well with her when it came to this topic.

“Mattie and Will adore you, cupcake.” She knew it was the answer Laura was looking for because she felt her smaller frame immediately relax against her side.

“Good,” she sighed, nuzzling in under Carmilla’s chin and Carmilla sighed in relief. “I’m glad.”

“Get some sleep, Hollis,” she said quietly, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead. “We can talk more tomorrow if you want.”

“Mm-kay.”

Carmilla chuckled, pulling her closer and relaxing back into the mattress. They may not be where they once were, crazy in love and planning a wedding, but holding Laura close to her, in **their** bed, the tiny brunette holding onto her like she was the only thing keeping her grounded at that moment, her breath softly tickling against Carmilla’s neck as it evened out and she started dozing off... it was….

_Right and…_

_Wonderful and …_

_Perfect and…_

_Laura._

It was **her** Laura. She hadn’t lost her. At least not completely. And even if this was it… even if this was all she could ever have…

“I-” She immediately cut herself off, cringing at her almost mistake.

“Hmm?” Laura sleepily mumbled.

“Nothing,” Carmilla said, smiling softly, her lips ghosting across Laura’s forehead.

_I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	32. Life Is Anything But Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when it's Laura's turn to take care of Carmilla?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who commented on the last chapter, I know I haven't responded and I'm sorry. Just not a good time right now. I'll get to it though.
> 
> Thought in italics.

“Wait a second, hold on, cupcake,” Carmilla said breathlessly as she pulled away, pushing herself up onto her hands and hovering over Laura, their bodies lying prone on the couch, legs entwined.

Laura opened her eyes and looked up, continuing to slowly grind against the thigh firmly nestled between her legs, unable to stop herself. It had all started off fairly innocently. Laura had been lying on the couch having just turned the television off when Carmilla had walked in, smirking mischievously and made a comment about killing some time while they waited for the ginger squad to arrive before slowly lowering herself on top of the tiny brunette and kissing her softly. Laura really doubted her girlfriend was intent on turning it into anything more than some minor lip-locking but somewhere along the line, the innocent kissing had turned into something so much more.

“But… I thought… I mean, I thought you wanted to,” Laura pouted, her hands ghosting along the warm, soft skin of Carmilla’s stomach.

“Trust me, cupcake. I really fucking do,” she said with a moan and Laura felt the dark-haired girl’s hips slowly roll against her own thigh, another groan leaving her mouth as she did.

“Then what’s the problem?” She wanted this. Carmilla wanted this. There was no reason to stop.

Finding she really didn’t want to give up so easily, she reached further up Carmilla’s shirt, which had already ridden halfway up her torso due to her wandering hands, her fingers boldly finding their way under the lacy bra she’d been playing with just a moment ago and smiling when Carmilla moaned once again as she took her fully in her hands, her thumbs gently brushing across her nipples.

“Dammit, that’s so not fair,” Carmilla whined, crushing their lips together again with a groan.

“I never said I was playing fair,” Laura said, pulling away just enough, her lips brushing against Carmilla’s as she spoke.

 _And I really don’t want to stop right now,_ she thought, the feeling of Carmilla fitting so perfectly in her hands… of the older girl’s thigh firmly settled between her legs, her own thigh pushing upwards… of Carmilla’s soft lips making every inch of skin they touched flush as her fingertips left goosebumps in their wake… _the whole damn package!_ She simply wasn’t prepared for how good it would all feel. And she definitely wasn’t prepared to walk away from any of it at that moment.

“You know, I remember just a little over a month ago when you panicked any time I tried to even hold your hand. Where did that shy girl go?” Carmilla asked, her lips finding their way down Laura’s neck, teasingly nibbling at that spot just beneath her ear, making her breath hitch.

“Don’t blame me. She didn’t know what she was missing,” Laura said, giggling when Carmilla nipped a little harder. “The old me never filled her in, apparently.”

She felt Carmilla push herself back up to hover over her, their foreheads pressed together, eyes meeting.

“Laura, you’re not-”

But she didn’t get any further as Laura immediately cut her off, pressing their lips together once again, even more passionately than before. Finally pulling away and taking in the dark-haired girl above her, now panting a little harder as Laura’s hands continued to slowly move, her thumbs slowly circling, the tiny brunette bit her lip and smiled.

“Now will you please just shut up and take me?”

She swore Carmilla’s eyes darkened just a touch at that and she watched the older girl swallow hard above her before closing her lids briefly, apparently attempting to gain some sort of composure. She doubted it worked though because the dark-haired girl looked just as hungry when they fluttered open a few seconds later. Still… Carmilla’s stubborn streak easily rivaled her own.

“Cupcake, we have people coming over. Do you really want our new first time together to be a quickie on the couch, hoping we don’t get interrupted when all those damn gingers walk in?”

“Those damn gingers are already here.”

Two heads whipped towards the entryway to the living room in surprise, finding LaF standing there, grinning widely, knowingly.

“Oh, goddamnit,” Carmilla groaned, dropping fully onto Laura in a heap and burying her face in the smaller girl’s neck. “I hate your friends, Hollis!” Her voice was muffled but still audible, her frustration clear as day, causing Laura to giggle as she blushed and subtly moved her hands to the dark-haired girl’s back, finding that much more appropriate than where they were before.

“LaFontaine, stop it! We already interrupted them two days ago in the elevator. Let them be!” Perry chastised from somewhere else in the house before calling out in a much sweeter voice, “take your time, dears. We’ll just wait in the kitchen.”

“Why are we waiting in the kitchen?” Danny’s voice rang through the house along with the sound of the front door opening and closing. Laura watched LaF turn in that direction, still smiling and wiggling their eyebrows and couldn’t help but giggle quietly again when Danny caught on. “Oh god, did you walk in on them doing it in there?”

“Nah. Just a little second base action.”

“LaFontaine!”

Laura heard LaF and Danny chuckling as the short-haired ginger finally moved out of sight and felt Carmilla mumbling something unintelligible into her neck once again, the vibrations tickling ever so slightly.

“I’m with Perry, you guys leave them alone,” Betty said before calling out, “you guys definitely need this. It’s been months. We can totally wait.”

“It’d be a lot easier if you weren’t listening! I don’t recall exhibitionism being one of our kinks!” Carmilla yelled, finally pulling her head free from Laura’s neck and causing the smaller girl to giggle along with their friends in the other room at her outburst.

Laura finally pulled her hands free from Carmilla’s shirt and reached up, cupping the dark-haired girl’s cheeks and forcing their eyes to meet, the frustration she saw there easily surpassing her own and she could completely understand why. After all, she had no idea what she was actually missing out on but Carmilla was intimately familiar with the situation.

_Poor thing. She deserves a medal or something._

“Hey. You okay?” she asked, searching the other girl’s face, smiling softly at her.

Carmilla just nodded with a huff, looking away and climbing off of her, sitting up on the other side of the couch to adjust her clothes. Laura sat up and watched, na mark near the other girl’s right hip catching her eye, but it was gone as soon as she’d laid eyes on it.

Carmilla stood and Laura followed, trailing behind her as she made her way towards the kitchen, stopping the older girl with a quick tug on the back of her shirt before they made it into the other room. Carmilla turned to her, eyes curious and Laura once again reached up and cupped her cheek.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just… I shouldn’t have started something I knew we wouldn’t be able to finish,” Carmilla answered, stepping back towards her, grabbing her hips.

“Well, for what it’s worth, even if we couldn’t finish, it was pretty enjoyable,” Laura said, smiling up at her and running her fingertips from her other hand along Carmilla’s forearm. Carmilla just smiled back, leaning in and leaving one last kiss along Laura’s lips, the smaller girl sighing as she did. “And… have I mentioned that I really, really love the way you kiss me?”

Carmilla just chuckled and pulled her into the kitchen where an evening’s worth of teasing was waiting.

* * *

And the teasing really had taken up the whole evening and more. LaF had taken it upon themselves to lead the brigade, attempting to get everyone else on board and making sure everyone was up to speed as soon as Kirsch and Mel arrived with SJ and Charlotte, despite Perry’s repeated warnings to ‘behave.’ Laura had spent most of the night blushing beyond reason, unable to help herself, and watching Carmilla glare and literally growl at their friends anytime they got close to crossing the line, and she couldn’t help but smile at the dark-haired girl’s protective streak.

Since things had significantly settled down and life had basically returned to normal at this point, they’d decided to have everyone over for dinner, just as a general ‘thank you’ for all their friends had done for them over the past two months since the accident, and Laura found that earlier in the day, she was actually looking forward to it. Sure, they’d just had a game night and had the opportunity for everyone to catch up with one another, but it was so rare that the entire group could come together at the same time. It was nice to take advantage of it. But she should’ve known that everyone would end up outstaying their welcome, lingering until later into the night and only leaving once Carmilla started to actually kick them out, the older girl’s patience beyond exhausted.

The tone of the night had definitely shifted by the time everyone had left, the mood no longer heated and filled with temptation. Which was fine. Carmilla had a good point in that it would just happen when it did, very much like the first time, and it had worked out well enough for them all those years ago. There was no reason this time around should be any different. Plus, she had to admit, all the teasing kisses and risque touches were definitely lending themselves to the anticipation in the most delicious way.

She finished brushing her teeth, having already changed into her flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt, and made her way back into the bedroom, stopping immediately as she entered.

“Oh! Sorry,” Laura said, attempting to quickly avert her comically widened eyes, even though she really didn’t want to.

 _Skin. So much skin._ Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Carmilla’s tank top slide down her form, over the places she’d been getting acquainted with earlier, effectively covering her.

“I just… I thought you’d already be changed.”

“You’re fine, cutie. Nothing you haven’t already had your hands on,” Carmilla teased with a tired smirk, sliding under the blankets on her side of the bed and collapsing. Laura just rolled her eyes with a smile and followed suit, turning off the lamp atop her nightstand as she did, bathing the room in darkness.

She rolled onto her side, pulling Carmilla closer, and rested her head on the dark-haired girl’s shoulder as they snuggled in, her absolute elation over the fact that they got to do this every night in the same bed not diminishing in the slightest with each evening that passed. She honestly didn’t know sleeping next to someone else could feel this safe and warm, but then again, maybe it wasn’t sleeping next to someone else.

 _Maybe it’s just Carmilla,_ she thought with a smile.

“I think everyone had a good time tonight,” she said after a few quiet moments to which the other girl just shrugged. “I mean, aside from the teasing it was a nice evening.”

“LaF needs a muzzle,” she grumbled from above and Laura felt the smile curl the edges of her lips.

“We’ve known that for years,” she said as she snuggled in closer, the evening and teasing replaying in her head, but quickly being overshadowed by the wonderful make out session they’d been engaging in when their friends had shown up.

“I guess,” Carmilla said, shrugging again, her mood contemplative and throwing Laura off.

“Hey, are you okay? You’re kind of getting your brood on up there,” she said, turning her head and looking up.

“I’m fine,” she chuckled. “They’re just… they’re all such giant pains in the ass. And if you tell them what I’m about to admit, I’ll deny every word.” Laura smiled at the badass bravado she was putting up, knowing damn well how soft Carmilla really was. “But… I am so grateful to them for everything they’ve done through this whole thing.”

Laura raised herself up a bit, resting her head on her hand so that she could see her girlfriend’s face, her other resting on top of the other girl’s hip.

Carmilla was right. Their friends had done a lot for them over the past two months. That’s why they’d hosted the dinner for them to begin with. But the way Carmilla said it, so quiet, so serious…

“It was really bad at the hospital, wasn’t it?” She wasn’t surprised when Carmilla continued to stare at the ceiling and simply nodded. “When I met with Danny and had coffee with her, she kind of told me about it. Or at least about the parts she saw. I’m… Carm, I’m so sorry for putting you through all of that.”

“Hey, Laura, no,” she started, her eyes instantly snapping to Laura’s face. “There was nothing that happened there that you could control. It wasn’t your fault. Hell, the accident wasn’t even your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She leaned her head into Carmilla’s hand as the older girl reached up and cupped her cheek. “It’s just… from the time LaF and Perry called me to seeing you in that bed to those eight days waiting for you to wake up… and even after you did wake up, realizing that you didn’t… it was really fucking scary. I’ve never been that terrified before.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Laura said, her fingers dipping below the hem of Carmilla’s tank top and running along her side, attempting to offer some sort of comfort through proximity.

“I hope you never have to know the feeling. But we got through it. You’re okay and you’re here… and… that’s all that matters right?” Carmilla said, her expression soft but her eyes sad. And Laura could guess why.

“Carm, I…” She sighed as she trailed off, looking away for just a moment to gather herself, but by the time she looked back, the older girl had evened out her gaze, apparently having checked her feelings.

_Which isn’t fair! She shouldn’t have to hide from me! She shouldn’t have to doubt my feelings!_

“You know, I am happy I’m here. And I’m happy **you’re** here. And I’m happy that we’re together,” she said, her eyes never leaving her girlfriend’s. “This is where I want to be. This is… you’re so important to me, Carmilla.”

“I know,” she said, glancing away and Laura sighed again.

“No, you don’t. You don’t see just how much I really do care about you. I know those aren’t the words you want to hear but-”

“Laura, no, it’s fine. I… I do know you care about me. I know I matter to you,” Carmilla started, her own eyes now eager. “You don’t have to prove that.”

_Why not?!_

“Look, Laura, neither of us can ever know for sure what’s going to happen. And that’s not just because of the accident. Life doesn’t guarantee you anything. We… we have what’s here now. That’s all. And I’m okay with that.”

She wasn’t going to win this. At least not until she was there, in the same place Carmilla was. And she was getting there. She was getting closer with each day. But…

_I’m not giving up! She didn’t give up on me!_

“Well, if that’s the case, then I will say that I’m **very** happy that I’m here, now, with you,” she said her eyes holding Carmilla’s for another moment before leaning over and brushing her lips gently against the dark-haired girl’s, sighing quietly when she felt the older girl’s fingers tangle gently into her hair, keeping her in place for another minute. Finally pulling away, she noticed the sadness in Carmilla’s eyes was thankfully no longer there and took it as an incredibly minor victory. “But I am going to make one request.”

“What’s that, cutie?” Carmilla asked, releasing her own sigh when Laura’s head moved back to her shoulder.

“That we get one of those chain locks on the front door.”

She smiled when Carmilla laughed deeply, her chest vibrating against Laura’s ear, the sound deep and hearty.

“I fully support that decision.” She continued to listen to the gleeful sound as Carmilla’s laugh finally subsided, her fingers skimming along warm skin beneath the older girl’s tank top, finding a slightly raised ridge near her right hip.

“What is this?” she asked, rubbing her thumb across the smooth skin. It was the scar she’d caught sight of earlier when Carmilla had pulled her shirt back down and into place as they’d left the living room, but hadn’t had the chance to ask about it since their friends were waiting in the kitchen. “I mean, where did you get it?”

“Knife fight.”

“What?! Oh my god, Carm, how?! What happened?” Panicked she quickly looked back up at her girlfriend, her eyes wide, only to see Carmilla’s teasing smile firmly in place. “You jerk!”

“You just make it so easy, cupcake,” she said, running her fingers through Laura’s hair. Laura continued to stare, looking up at Carmilla, eyes curious and waiting for a real answer. “It was appendicitis.”

“Are you okay?”

“No, Laura, I’m still in severe pain constantly,” she answered, rolling her eyes.

“Shut up, I’m just… I’m allowed to worry about you,” she said, her bottom lip pushing out slightly. “Was it before we met?”

“Nope,” she answered, shaking her head. “It was a few years ago.” She paused before looking down, their eyes meeting and Laura saw the mischief twinkling. “You were a great nurse.”

“And you are in rare form tonight,” Laura said, making Carmilla chuckle once again. She lay her head back down, snuggling in tightly, her fingers still ghosting over the scar, attempting to memorize it. “Are you like super duper tired?”

“Mmm, a little, yeah. Spending an excessive amount of time with those idiots always seems to take it out of me. Why?”

“Too tired to tell me the story?” She smiled when she heard Camilla softly sigh above her and hold her tighter.

* * *

**_Three Years and Ten Months Earlier_ **

_Fuck!_

She groaned and grumbled as she hauled herself off the bathroom floor, her knees aching from kneeling on the hard linoleum but a minor inconvenience to the sharp pain inching along her right side. She leaned against the sink, rinsing her mouth for the third time that afternoon and cringing when she saw herself in the mirror, her skin even paler than normal and clammy.

So much for that flu shot Laura had insisted she get. She shuffled out of the bathroom, walking hunched over through the tiny apartment and into the bedroom where she collapsed again, the pain in her side overwhelming at that moment.

She’d been fine the night before. Laura had made them pancakes, the tiny brunette sneaking in bits of bacon into Carmilla’s, much to her delight, and they’d spent the evening curled up on the couch in their living room, Laura binging Doctor Who while Carmilla read. They’d even gone to bed at a decent time since Laura had to get up early for an interview with the bakery owner downstairs. The little pastry shop had recently blown up in popularity and Laura, with her never ending love of all things sweet, had pitched the idea of a rags to riches story surrounding the locally owned business to her editor, who had greenlighted the idea immediately. The downside came when the only time the younger girl could get an interview scheduled was before dawn, but Laura had been so excited about the prospect of the story, and most likely unlimited freshly baked goods at her disposal during said interview, that she didn’t seem to mind. Carmilla on the other hand was cringing at the thought of listening to Laura’s alarm go off so early and had threatened to sleep on the couch to avoid it. Or had threatened until Laura had pulled her into the bedroom, her lips frantic and needy, immediately changing the dark-haired girl’s mind.

Since she was going to have the apartment to herself that day, she figured she’d be semi-productive and work on editing some of the proofs from a shoot she’d just done the week before but now, as mid-afternoon approached and she curled up into a ball on her side of the bed, she wished more than anything that Laura was home.

Another stabbing ache shot through her side and again, the nausea she’d been feeling all day climbing into her throat.

_No, not again._

Taking a deep breath, she rolled onto her other side, the pain and nausea easing just enough to not have her bolting back to the bathroom, though the effort causing more sweat to rise on her brow.

She closed her eyes, letting the silence take over and hoping that she could catch a few minutes of sleep when the sound of the front door opening and closing flooded her eardrums.

_Laura._

She attempted to sit up but the pain in her right side flared again, angry and excruciating, causing her to lay back on the bed, curling back into the ball that seemed to be the only way to relieve it with a groan.

“Carm?” She heard Laura turn the kitchen sink on and off and then trek down the hallway towards their bedroom, her shoes echoing against the bare floor. “You home?”

“Yeah,” she groaned but she doubted Laura could hear her.

“Carm?” She forced her eyes open and saw Laura enter the bedroom out of the corner of her eye, the tiny brunette’s excited smile falling as a look of worry took over. “Oh my god, what’s wrong?”

She sighed in relief when she felt Laura’s cool hands reach for her, soothingly rubbing along her back as she gingerly sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” she answered, swallowing down the nausea that was surging up again. She sighed as one of Laura’s cool hands found its way to her forehead, the tiny brunette’s face registering panic.

“Oh, Carm, you’ve got a fever. How long have you been like this?”

“All day.”

“Is it your stomach?”

“Kind of, I guess. But it’s all on my right side. It’s this stabbing pain and it hurts so bad.”

She closed her eyes as Laura brushed the hair sticking to her face away as gently as she could, her other hand continuing the soothing circles on her back. It was so comforting and sweet and…

_Oh god!_

She sat up as quickly as she could, moving out of the room and into the bathroom where she heaved once again, her stomach now completely empty. Laura followed, pulling her hair back and rubbing along her trembling shoulders as she did.

“Do you have any other symptoms?” she asked quietly once Carmilla plopped back onto the floor a few minutes later, the corner made by the bathtub and the wall holding her semi-upright.

“No,” she grumbled, closing her eyes and leaning her head back. She heard Laura opening the small linen closet and the running the faucet but kept her eyes shut, enjoying the few nausea-less minutes.

“Just stay here for a second, okay?” Laura said, kneeling next to her and pressing a cool cloth against her forehead, leaving a soft kiss against the top of her head. She finally opened her eyes and watched Laura leave the room, hearing her rummaging through her backpack in the living room with a few ‘dammit’s’ before returning back to the doorway, her phone already pressed to her ear.

“LaF, hey, it’s me. Um, Carm’s really sick… like fever, vomiting, and pain in her stomach… no, I made her get a shot this year… no, it just started today… no, she said it’s all on her right side and it’s like a really sharp pain… oh… oh no… okay… alright, I’ll take her now.”

Carmilla listened to the conversation with limited interest, closing her eyes once again, not really caring about anything but the cool sensation against her skin and the fact that the pain in her side had ebbed away to a manageable level. Maybe she should just sit propped up next to the bathtub for the rest of the night and hope for the best.

_Maybe if I can just sleep it off..._

“Carm, baby, I need you to put these on.” She cracked her eyes open, seeing Laura standing there with her boots in hand, looking beyond worried.

_Where’d she get those?_

“Why?” she groaned.

“We need to take you to the hospital,” she answered, kneeling down and attempting to slide the left one onto Carmilla’s foot.

“What? No, I’m not going to the hospital for some stupid twenty-four hour flu bug that’ll be gone by tomorrow,” she grumbled.

“I don’t think you have the flu. And neither does LaF. So please, just put these on, okay, and then we’ll go.”

She opened her mouth to argue when another pain shot through her, this one the worst of the day by far, leaving tears in her eyes, straining to come out.

“Please, Carm,” Laura said, her voice soft as she reached out and cupped the older girl’s cheek.

She simply nodded.

* * *

She stared at her hands in her lap, her fingers fidgeting nervously over one another, her patience wearing thin. It really hadn’t been that long that she’d been sitting in the hard plastic chair, waiting, but it felt like forever.

“Sweetie, calm down,” Perry said, running a soothing hand across her shoulders. She looked up, seeing the curly haired girl smiling softly at her, completely calm. “Carmilla is going to be fine.”

“Yeah, it’s a really quick and common surgery, L,” LaF added from where they stood across the room, leaning against the wall.

The two had arrived at the hospital only a few minutes after the staff had wheeled Carmilla away despite the fact that Laura hadn’t even called them.

When Laura and Carmilla had arrived, she was so thankful that they’d quickly been escorted to a bed in the emergency room where her girlfriend could lay comfortably, or at least semi-comfortably, while they waited. It felt like hours later before the doctor on call had diagnosed her with appendicitis and advised that Carmilla would need to go into surgery as soon as possible to avoid the organ rupturing. Despite the exhaustion covering her face, the fear that flashed in Carmilla’s eyes was unmistakable.

“I… I’ve never had surgery,” she’d whispered once the doctor had left the room to call the OR.

“You’re going to be okay, Carm,” Laura said, attempting to reassure her as she gently combed her fingers through black tresses. “But they have to do this. If it ruptures, it’s only going to be worse.”

“I know but…” That fear was still there and Laura glimpsed a much younger Carmilla, scared and unsure. Smiling softly, she leaned in, gently pressing her lips to Carmilla’s clammy forehead before meeting her eyes once again.

“And when you wake up, I’ll be right there waiting, okay?” she added, hoping she could calm the older girl enough before they wheeled her away.

“Promise?” Her voice was so quiet and vulnerable, Laura couldn’t help but feel it right in her chest.

She had simply nodded with a gentle smile and left another long kiss against Carmilla’s forehead.

Of course, she’d been nervous too.

_I mean, they’re cutting her open!_

But she didn’t want Carmilla to see that. She wanted to be the brave one and let the dark-haired girl rely on her.

Even with her hesitation, Laura knew deep down everything would be okay. The doctors had assured her that since nothing had ruptured, it would be a fairly uncomplicated process. But that didn’t alleviate her fear of the unknown.

“Really, Laura, just relax. She’ll be just fine and I’m sure you’ll get to see her soon.”

“Very soon,” a soft voice sounded from the other side of the room. Laura looked up, seeing Carmilla’s surgeon standing there, smiling gently at her and immediately felt a wave of relief.

“She’s okay?” she asked, quickly standing and taking a step forward.

“She’s just fine. The surgery went very well and she’s being moved to her room now. Once we have her settled, someone will come to get you and you may see her.”

“Thank you so much,” Laura said, feeling the tears in her eyes as the doctor simply nodded and walked away. She nodded and sat back down slowly, still fidgeting as she waited, LaF and Perry talking around her, the two just attempting to make some noise in the silent waiting room. Honestly, she could’ve done without the chatter but she understood they were simply trying to take her mind off the wait. And fortunately, true to the doctor’s word, another member of the staff found her about a half hour later and led her to Carmilla’s room.

There she was, lying in the narrow hospital bed, fast asleep most likely from the drugs they’d given her prior to the surgery, still paler than normal, but peaceful and no longer in pain. Laura slowly wandered into the room, immediately grabbing for the dark-haired girl’s hand as she reached her bedside, the feeling of her skin so soft and warm, exactly as it should be. She carefully lifted the hand to her lips, leaving a soft kiss along the back and holding tight.

“I’m here, Carm,” she said quietly, pulling up one of the uncomfortable chairs so that she could sit with her girlfriend and wait for her to wake up, her eyes tracing the contours of the older girl’s face that she’d already memorized many moons ago.

It was about thirty minutes later as she was letting her fingers absentmindedly dance across Carmilla’s arm that a resounding groan came from the older girl’s chest. Laura immediately stood and stepped to the edge of the bed, watching as Carmilla’s eyes slowly fluttered open.

“Welcome back stranger,” she said, smiling brightly, so relieved to see those deep brown eyes again. She gripped Carmilla’s hand tighter and used her other hand to brush away some stray hairs from her forehead. “How’re you feeling?”

All she got in return was another groan of displeasure as Carmilla’s eyes closed once again and Laura giggled softly.

“Of course, you’re going to go back to sleep,” she whispered, leaning forward and leaving a soft kiss along her hairline. “Rest. I’ll wait.”

* * *

“Laura?” Carmilla groaned from her spot on the couch where she’d pretty much taken up permanent residence since leaving the hospital.

“Yeah?” Laura looked up from her laptop at the kitchen table across the room where she was frantically working on finishing up her latest article.

“I’m cold.”

_Seriously, Karnstein?_

“Carm, there’s a blanket right there on the back of the couch.”

“I know but I want the one from the end of the bed,” she whined. “It’s softer.”

Laura sighed heavily and quickly stood, the chair beneath her screeching in protest as it was pushed across the floor. She moved down the hall and into the bedroom to grab the fleece blanket they kept on the end of the bed for those extra chilly Silas nights, bringing it to Carmilla already unfolded, and letting it flutter over the older girl.

“Better?”

“Mm hmm,” she nodded, happily snuggling in.

It had been a week since the surgery and five days since Carmilla had been home from the hospital. Laura had immediately helped her reschedule everything she needed to for work since she’d be out of commission for any immediate shoots and the doctor had advised her to rest as much as she could for the next two weeks as she recovered. Carmilla had apparently taken that advice very seriously as she’d barely moved from the couch since coming home, letting Laura faun over her every wish and whim for the last few days. And Laura was happy to help. After all, Carmilla would’ve done the same for her if their positions were switched. She had no issue getting whatever the dark-haired girl wanted or needed, helping her any time she asked for assistance. But it was starting to become a bit overwhelming trying to balance taking care of Carmilla and everything around the house while still working full-time herself, even going so far as attempting to put together a few solo pieces that she might be able to sell outside of the Silas Times for the extra cash that they would sorely need due to this unexpected setback. It wouldn’t have been that bad under normal circumstances. And again, she was more than happy to help her girlfriend. But for as independent as the older girl was, Carmilla seemed to be milking this for all it was worth and Laura was starting to wonder if this trend would continue beyond the two weeks the doctor had recommended.

“Thanks,” Carmilla mumbled, her eyes turning back to the television as she did.

Laura just smiled softly and moved back to the kitchen table, her fingers poised on her keyboard to finish the paragraph she’d been frantically working on when she heard a heavy sigh come from her girlfriend. She ignored it at first, trying to get back to her original thoughts when it sounded again, this one even louder than the first.

“Cutie?”

“Yes, Carmilla?” she said, trying to keep the impatience out of her tone.

“I’m hungry.”

“Okay, well, I’ll get you something, okay? Just give me like ten more minutes to finish this article and then I’ll make you some soup.” She looked up, watching Carmilla just shrug with a pout before turning back towards the television, where she’d found a fascination with HGTV and remodeling shows.

_Seriously, Karnstein?_

“Fine, I’ll make it now. What kind of soup do you want?” she asked, standing and moving towards the cupboard.

“Chicken and stars,” she answered, sounding every bit like the five-year-old she was apparently channeling.

“We have regular chicken noodle, I can make you that,” Laura said, pulling the can out and searching for the recently overused can opener. The grumble that came from across the room at her back was unmistakable and again, she used every ounce of energy to not to snap.

“What’s wrong now?”

“Are you sure we don’t have the other kind?” Carmilla asked, that whine edging into her voice again and so unusual to Laura’s ears.

“Yes, Carm, I’m sure. I’m standing right here looking at the cupboard. We have this, tomato, and that awful split pea and ham one that Kirsch accidentally bought when he picked up some stuff for us the last time I was sick. We really should just throw that one away, even the label makes want to heave,” she said with a sour face.

“Fine,” she sighed heavily, clearly indicating it was anything but.

“Ugh, do you want me to go to the store?”

“Well… no.” She watched the older girl lift herself just enough to peak out the window. “It’s cold and the snow’s picking up again.”

Laura was half tempted to go just to get out of the house for ten minutes but she **had** to finish this article today and she was **so** close. Shaking her head, she quickly emptied the now open can into a small pot and set it on the stove to warm it through.

She split her attention between the simmering pot and her laptop for the next few minutes, noticing a few typos that she would’ve normally caught if she’d been fully focused and kicking herself for not putting her all into this particular article. She needed to do the best she could if she wanted to keep her momentum going. She’d already impressed her editor and been given some of the higher profile stories over the last few months. Careless mistakes on her part would only lead to those opportunities being taken away.

 _Get it together, Hollis,_ she thought as she poured Carmilla’s dinner into a bowl and set the pot in the sink to clean later.

“Here,” Laura said, walking into the living room and handing her the bowl. “But be careful, it’s hot.” She heard the gruffness in her tone and tried to reel it in, taking a deep breath as she did.

“What’s wrong?” Carmilla asked, glancing up at her, her eyes curious, lips pulled together, that five-year-old out in full force.

 _Seriously, Karnstein?_ she thought, fighting a smile at the idea.

“Nothing, I just… nothing, Carm. Eat your soup,” she said, her tone gentler before turning and walking back toward the kitchen table.

Shaking her head to clear it and refocus, she quickly dove back in, making it through the rest of the the article, thankfully with no further interruptions. Sighing in relief, she forwarded the piece to her editor and closed her laptop, sagging into her chair and finally looking up to see a pouty Carmilla across the room.

 _Seriously, Karnstein?_ she thought, unable to fight the soft smile this time.

She stood up and moved towards her, noticing the now empty bowl that she would clean later on the coffee table as she sat down on the other end of the sofa.

_Guess she got over missing her stars._

“You need anything else right now?” she asked, reaching out and running her hand along Carmilla’s shin over the blanket. The older girl just shook her head, still pouting. “You sure?”

“If I did, I could get it myself,” she said petulantly, making Laura roll her eyes and bite her lip to keep from smiling too wide at the older girl’s ridiculousness.

“Alright, well you just let me know if you do,” she said, scooting closer and carefully pulling Carmilla’s legs across her lap. She rested her right hand high on Carmilla’s stomach, careful to avoid the slowly healing skin on her right side, her fingers soothingly moving back and forth as she did, her eyes turning toward the television.

She couldn’t fight the smile when a few minutes later she felt Carmilla reach for her hand, carefully intertwining their fingers. She turned and watched the dark-haired girl, her pout lessening as the seconds wore on.

As whiny and childish as the older girl could be when she was sick, Laura couldn’t help but love that Carmilla still reached for her. And when she did, Laura would be there. Always.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“You are **such** a baby,” Laura said with a giggle, running her fingers through Carmilla’s hair as she did, the couple having moved around so that it was now her shoulder that pillowed Carmilla’s head instead.

“I am not!” Carmilla grumbled, sleepily.

“I can’t imagine how bad you get when you’re sick,” Laura laughed again. “You’re probably one of those people who’s on death’s door anytime you get a little sniffle.”

“You know what, creampuff? Even if that were true, I rarely get sick. You on the other had get at least four colds a year and I spend every single one of them, making sure you have anything and everything you want. So even if, and that’s a big if… **if** I’m a little over the top, I think we even out,” Carmilla said, turning and leaving a soft kiss along Laura’s jaw.

“That does sound fair,” Laura said, pulling her in closer. “And I know you take care of me. I’ve seen everything you’ve done over the last couple of months and you’ve been amazing.”

“Well, I need to rack up my good deeds just in case. Never know when the bubonic plague is going to make a resurgence.”

Laura just smiled, continuing to slowly run her fingers through Carmilla’s black tresses, relishing in the feeling of Carmilla’s fingertips soothingly moving back and forth across her stomach beneath the hem of her t-shirt. It was so comfortable and…

_Normal. This feels like something that we would just do any day of the week… just because it feels so good. It feels safe._

“Have you noticed we keep having storytime in bed lately?”

“Mmm… I like the bed,” she mumbled. “I missed it.”

“Well, if you weren’t so darn stubborn, you could’ve been sleeping here way before now.”

“Nope. Being chivalrous. Storing away all those brownie points for a later day.”

“Alright, well, if the bubonic plague comes back, you’ve got quite a few brownie points racked up, so feel free to use them,” she said, laying a soft kiss on Carmilla’s forehead.

“Good.”

She continued gently brushing her fingers through the soft locks flowing across her shoulder, the smell of Carmilla’s shampoo invading her senses, so warm and addicting. But then again, everything about Carmilla was addicting. She was apparently the master of reeling Laura in, trapping her in utter bliss and euphoria. Her flirtatious, teasing nature. Her beauty. The way she knew just how to touch Laura… how to kiss her… how to make her heart race.

Their little rendezvous on the couch from earlier that afternoon flashed through her mind and she found herself swallowing hard at the thought of what would’ve happened if their friends hadn’t walked in. And also, something that had come up from their teasing.

“So um… can I ask you one more question?” she ventured into the darkness a few minutes later, that one part of the afternoon sticking out in her mind, itching for an answer.

“Of course,” Carmilla answered, her voice soft and sleepy.

“Just, thinking about earlier… on the couch when everyone walked in…”

“Yeah?”

“Well… just something you said… got me wondering.”

“Okay?” She heard the leeriness in Carmilla’s voice but swallowed down her anxiety and pressed on.

“Um… if exhibitionism isn’t one, what are our kinks?”

 _My god, what is wrong with me?_ she thought, mentally kicking herself as she said it. They hadn’t even slept together yet and she was trying to get the down and dirty tidbits?

“Oh man,” Carmilla chuckled tiredly, snuggling in closer, her thumb moving back and forth across Laura’s ribcage below her shirt. “You just couldn’t let that one go could you?”

“What?” she giggled. “I’m just curious.” It wasn’t a lie. Though she enjoyed the teasing, she couldn’t deny her inquisitive nature.

“Well, don’t you want to find out organically what we enjoy together?”

“I mean… I suppose,” Laura said resignedly, her voice still teasing as Carmilla chuckled once again. “But just for fun… can you tell me something?”

“Hmm…”

She waited and waited. And waited so long she wondered if Carmilla had fallen asleep. Smiling softly she slowly closed her eyes and pulled the other girl closer, ready to fall asleep herself after the long day.

“You have thing for thigh highs. Black ones, specifically.”

Her eyes immediately snapped open, wide awake as her brain involuntarily conjured up an image of Carmilla in black thigh highs and very little else, looking so amazing and sexy and Carmilla-esque and…

_Wow._

“Oh…” she squeaked.

“Goodnight, Laura,” Carmilla chuckled.

 _I’m not going to sleep at all tonight,_ she thought as Carmilla’s hand gripped at her rib cage and pulled her in, the older girl’s breathing evening out a few minutes later as she drifted off to sleep. _Oh, I’m in so much trouble…_


	33. I Want You To Win My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura learns of something important in the past. Carmilla discloses something important in the present. And the 'Eventual' is no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so long. Thank you, V. And thoughts in italics. 
> 
> Enjoy.

_Fucking Starbucks,_ she thought as she fumbled with her keys in the lock, her soiled shirt sticking to her as she did. She wasn’t normally one to stop in the chain but she’d been desperate and in a hurry. _And now you’re going to be even later. Shouldn’t have snoozed that alarm this morning._

She kicked the door closed behind her as she dropped her things and finished internally cursing the idiot who decided they didn’t want a lid on their iced latte before quickly moving down the hall towards the bedroom, pulling at her shirt as she did. She’d probably have to cut the damn stain out.

 _Freaking idiot, who- no, don’t start again._ She’d just grab a new shirt and head back out. Maybe sneak another quick kiss with Laura before she left. She smiled slightly at the thought, poking her head into the office on her way, looking for her girlfriend but noticing the room was empty.

 _Huh. Did she say she was going out today?_ she pondered before catching the sound of the shower running in the master bathroom with a nod. Changing direction, she moved into their bedroom and stepped into the closet, glancing through her hanging shirts quickly, looking for something not covered in holes or stains. Fingers crossed, she and JP were this close to getting the stubborn client she’d been dealing with to change the date they wanted to work with her and today would hopefully seal the deal.

Grabbing a random flannel, she’d just shucked the ruined shirt, realizing that her torso was all sticky when she heard a noise from behind her. A soft groan, but that wasn’t right. She turned and stepped out of the closet, suddenly concerned that maybe her girlfriend wasn’t feeling well.

_She seemed fine when I left though. Maybe…_

There it was again, no longer muffled by the walls of the closet, resonating clear as day through the less than soundproof bathroom door. Another groan. No, not a groan. It sounded more like…

_Oh._

Carmilla felt her mouth instantly go dry as her heart rate sped up to unhealthy levels. She knew that sound. She’d become intimately familiar with it over the last seven years. It may have been a few months since she’d heard it up close and personal, but it was a noise that she’d never forget.

Swallowing hard she stepped closer to the door, her hands itching to reach for the knob and push it open. Her brain ever so helpfully had kicked into overdrive, pushing out all the intimate images of her girlfriend from over the years that she’d come to appreciate at warp speed.

“Oh god,” Laura’s voice echoed quietly. So breathy and needy.

“Dammit,” she whispered.

She tightly clenched her hands at her sides, the flannel in one, her ruined shirt in the other, using every ounce of willpower she possibly possessed to keep her feet planted where they were. She couldn’t just walk in there. Not now. A few months ago, sure. She would’ve tugged her own clothes off, meeting be damned, and quickly joined the smaller girl, making sure it was her fingers, her mouth making Laura come undone. But… it wasn’t like it used to be. They weren’t there yet. Even if Laura had finally admitted that she was ready, Carmilla couldn’t help but feel like walking in now would be breaking all the rules and having not explicitly gained the tiny brunette’s consent to do so just wouldn’t be acceptable.

Another breathy moan, this one a little different but one she was still intimately familiar with. Laura was close. And dammit, why did this have to be so hard?

Closing her eyes against the temptation she quickly moved to the dresser, grabbing a random tank top and pulled it over her head. She’d just have to deal with the fact that she was most likely going to be sticking to the cotton material all day. Dumping the soiled shirt into the hamper, she practically ran down the hall, swiftly gathering her things, and was back out of the house before Laura was any wiser. Leaning back against the front door as it closed behind her, her heavy breathing echoing throughout the hallway, she felt her resolve slipping and knew it was going to be an incredibly trying day. She wasn’t going to be able to get those sounds out of her head for the rest of the afternoon, nevermind the last image of a wet and soapy Laura, eyes heavy with lust, smiling wickedly at her that her brain had so thoughtfully conjured up.

She threw the flannel she’d grabbed on over the tank top, realizing a moment too late that the shirt was Laura’s and that the smaller girl’s perfume softly lingered to the collar.

_Goddamnit, give me a fucking break! I’m not a saint, you know?_

She could go back in, grab one of her own, and avoid being tormented for the rest of the day. But she had to leave. She couldn’t put Laura in that position and the longer she stayed, the more likely Laura was to discover that she wasn’t alone. And embarrassing the tiny brunette was definitely not on her agenda.

Shaking her head against the idea, she pulled on her jacket and grabbed her things, bolting down the hallway towards the stairwell before she lost all of her manners and decorum and **finally** had her way with her girlfriend.

* * *

Laura smiled softly at the screen, unable to look away from the beautiful image that graced it. She’d been appreciating each new image that popped up before clicking onto the next but she’d gotten stuck on this one in particular.

She was supposed to be working, not looking through the picture files on her laptop. But this was just so much better. In all fairness, she had been working up until about half an hour earlier when she’d found the folder while looking for an old article she wanted to reference for some information. Needless to say, she’d happily gotten distracted when she clicked on the first image and it opened up to her and Carmilla standing near the Eiffel tower, both laughing into the camera, the sun high above them, the sky a crisp blue. Clicking on the next photo she quickly deduced that these were the pictures she must have taken during their trip to Europe that she’d blocked out, a fact that she was still pretty irritated by. But Carmilla was right, there were hundreds of pictures from their time spent there and once she started down the rabbit hole, there was no going back.

The image on her screen at the moment was one she definitely wanted to commit to memory. She wasn’t sure which country it was taken in, but if she had to guess, she’d say it was Italy due to the Romanesque structure of the buildings in the background. But even with as beautiful as the backdrop surroundings were, the gorgeous girl in the photo was what had her distracted.

It was clear by the shadows that the sun had been setting around the time she must’ve snapped the photo. Carmilla lay on a wrought iron lounge chair, wearing nothing but a pair of incredibly short cutoffs and a black bikini top, which in and of itself, Laura knew would grab her full attention on any given day. But it was Carmilla’s face that had her pausing… the dark-haired girl was asleep, probably worn out from whatever adventure they’d taken on that day, her expression so peaceful and calm. So incredibly beautiful.

To be honest, she’d had the older girl on her mind all day…

_Not that that’s any different from any other day lately._

But the photograph on her screen wasn’t helping her to move on and think of anything else except her amazing girlfriend.

She’d woken up that morning when Carmilla’s alarm had gone off, the dark-haired girl slowly reaching over and fumbling around on her nightstand until she was able to snooze it. Bringing the silence back to the room, the older girl flopped back down onto her side, her back to Laura, apparently deciding she needed a few more minutes of sleep, which was fine with the tiny brunette. It meant more time that she could snuggle up to her girlfriend, which was quickly becoming one of her favorite things to do with the other girl. Rolling further towards the middle of the bed, she wrapped her arm around Carmilla from behind, smiling when she felt the dark-haired girl grab onto her wrist to pull her closer. She buried her face against her neck, inhaling deeply and reveling in her warmth, her smile growing as she did so.

It was genuinely just a sweet and comfortable moment. One she definitely didn’t want to take advantage of because the physicality of their relationship was still so new. But she wanted to commit every moment they spent pressed against each other to memory and hold so tightly to it.

_Just in case._

At some point, her hand had found its way under the hem of Carmilla’s shirt, her fingertips teasing along the other girl’s stomach, moving higher and higher. It wasn’t a conscious decision on her part, her hand had simply craved more. But now that she was so close to new skin…

“Mmm, what’re you doing back there, creampuff?” Carmilla asked, her voice teasing but heavy with sleep.

“Nothing,” Laura giggled, her own voice a little hoarse. “Just… enjoying your snooze time.” She lifted her head enough to place a soft kiss just behind the older girl’s ear before laying back down, her hand still wandering, fingertips soft.

“I think the purpose of snooze time is to actually… well, snooze.”

“So you’re saying you don’t like my idea?” she asked innocently, her fingers ghosting along the bottom of Carmilla’s breast.

The dark-haired girl chuckled, the vibration tickling at Laura’s fingertips before she rolled over, pushing Laura onto her back and hovering over the smaller girl, smirking softly, her eyes still sleepy, hair disheveled.

“I think you’re about to start something that we won’t have time to finish,” she said, leaning down, her lips teasingly tracing along Laura’s jaw.

Laura just giggled again, letting Carmilla continue for a few more moments before the sound of her alarm echoed throughout the room once more.

“Dammit,” Carmilla grumbled, moving off of her to reach for the offending device and sitting up on the edge of the bed. Laura just smiled and followed after her, not wanting to break the connection just yet, laying a string of kisses along her bare shoulder.

“Will you be gone all day?” she asked, finally resting her forehead on the spot between Carmilla’s shoulder blades, the older girl’s warmth radiating through her thin tank top.

“Probably most of it. I have some more stuff to work on after the meeting this morning,” she grumbled, wiping at her face before turning just enough for their eyes to meet. “I’ll text you if I have good news.”

“I hope you do. Honestly, I’m not super excited about you leaving period but I guess I’d rather you be able to do it sooner than later so we don’t miss the holidays together.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen, cupcake.” She smiled as Carmilla stood and turned, leaving a soft kiss against her forehead before making her way to the bathroom for a shower. Laura had merely sat there for another minute, smiling softly before laying back down, Carmilla’s pillow pressed firmly against her chest. She must’ve dozed back off because the next thing she knew, her own alarm was going off and when she opened her eyes, she noticed Carmilla was just finishing getting dressed. The dark-haired girl had smirked at her and left another kiss against her forehead as she attempted to wake up before leaving for the day with a ‘bye, cutie.’

It was definitely not a bad way to wake up and since then, she’d been unable to fully shut Carmilla out of her thoughts.

She’d finally just clicked onto the next picture in the massive file on her laptop when she heard the front door softly open and close from down the hallway, followed by the sound of a sigh and Carmilla’s bags being dropped into the corner. Smiling and rising from behind the desk, she made her way around it and out of the office, her lips quirking up even more when she saw Carmilla standing there at the front door, locking up and removing her jacket.

“Hey!” Laura said her smile brightening even more as Carmilla turned to her, smiling as well but looking a little… well… off. _Nervous?_ “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she answered, shaking her head slightly. “Just… long day.”

“Well, it’s over now. I actually just ordered food but it should be here soon,” she said, absolutely beaming.

“You’re in a good mood,” Carmilla observed with a smirk.

“Well, why wouldn’t I be? It was a sunny day so it should be a beautiful, albeit chilly night, you used your incredible charm and got that client to agree to bump the shoot up so we won’t miss the holidays together, and… I sold an article today,” she said, excitedly rocking on the balls of her feet as she did.

“Oh, cutie, that’s great,” Carmilla said, her face instantly brightening. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” she said shyly. “It’s a smaller piece but still… it’s something.”

“Come on, you know size doesn’t matter,” Carmilla teased with a smirk, making Laura smile harder, a faint blush coming to her cheeks. She watched the dark-haired girl step towards her, cupping her face in her hands and leaning in to leave a soft kiss against her lips. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” she said again, reaching up and gripping at the ends of the open flannel Carmilla wore, looking down as she tugged her closer, her brow furrowing as she thought back to their goodbye that morning. “Hey, did you change? You were wearing a different shirt when you left.”

“You were barely awake, cupcake, how do you remember that?”

“Because it was that off the shoulder one that I **really** like on you,” she said, her tone flirtatious.

“Oh, uh… well, yeah. Coffee mishap,” Carmilla said, briefly looking away. “But, um, anyway… why don’t I pour us each a glass of wine and you can tell me all about the article over dinner?”

“How about you sit down and I’ll get the wine,” she said, not even waiting for an answer as she grabbed onto Carmilla’s hand and pulled her towards the kitchen island.

“You are so fucking cute when you’re all excited about selling something.”

She turned back towards the other girl, already feeling the blush taking over her cheeks as she did, Carmilla softly smiling back at her from the stool Laura had pushed her towards.

“I’m just… it’s been a while since I’ve gotten anything picked up. Plus, I’m just happy that I’m contributing again. That I’m contributing to us. I… I don’t like just coasting by on other people’s goodwill, which I’m sure you know. And…” She paused for a moment before catching Carmilla’s eyes again, considering what she wanted to say next. “Well, I know you’ve been handling most of our financial stuff since the accident, which I totally appreciate by the way.”

“You’re probably going to change your mind when you see what a mess I made of your ‘system.’ All those post-it notes and highlighters… just gone to waste,” Carmilla said, nodding her thanks as Laura slid a glass of the merlot she’d just poured towards her. “Is it weird that while technically, we just got back together, we already have all that shit established?”

Laura bit her lip thoughtfully, knowing Carmilla was just teasing by the soft chuckle that followed but also feeling the questions that had been floating around her in head perched on the edge of her tongue.

_Do I really want to start this now?_

“Hey, I was just teasing,” Carmilla quickly said, Laura’s face apparently giving her away.

“No, I know you were. It’s just, I um… I… ugh this is probably not what you wanted to spend your evening doing but… well…” she trailed off, looking down at the counter, her anxiety coming to the surface. But apparently, Carmilla was taking her worry in another direction.

“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t trying to push or-”

“Carm, stop. I’m not stuttering spaz because you said that. We’re together, that’s been established,” she said, looking up and holding Carmilla’s sad gaze, knowing exactly what was behind the dejected look. It hadn’t escaped her attention that while the dark-haired girl hadn’t been acting any differently towards her, the ‘I love you’s’ had stopped after the night she’d found the photos and gotten the LaF and Perry housewarming tale just over a week ago. Though it had bothered her that she couldn’t reciprocate, she hated that Carmilla had ceased the amazing declaration, both because it really was nice to hear but more because she knew the older girl was holding it back for Laura’s own sake, feeling like she was pushing for too much too fast and making the smaller girl uncomfortable because she wasn’t there yet.

 _You’ve_ **_got_ ** _to fix this._

“Please, listen to me when I tell you that you’re not pushing anything. **This** is where I want to be and **you** are who I want to be with. And that’s all there is to it,” she said, her voice desperate. “I know… ugh, I know you don’t completely believe that I’m going to fall for you again and I hate that. And if there was any way for me to prove to you how wrong that is, I’d do it. But… please, just hear me when I tell you that it’s happening. I wish I could make it go faster but…” She trailed off as she leaned forward over the counter, her hands reaching for Carmilla’s and holding fast, her gaze locked on her girlfriend’s. “I completely understand why the old me fell in love with you.”

“Laura, you’re not two-”

“Carmilla, no! Just… just please give me a little more time, okay? And give yourself a break,” she said, her eyes earnest, watching Carmilla’s own gaze soften. “You’re incredible and, honestly, I’m not sure how you don’t have a line of girls around the block trying to win your favor.”

“Probably because… because I don’t see anyone but you,” Carmilla said, looking down at their joined hands and Laura smiled softly.

“And **you** are front in center in my line of vision. Okay?”

She waited a moment, feeling her shoulders sag when Carmilla finally nodded and met her gaze once more.

“So… before I jumped the gun,” Carmilla said, making Laura smile again, “what was bothering you?

“Nothing’s bothering me, I just was going to ask you about something and… we can talk about it later.”

“Or you could ask me now.”

Laura felt Carmilla’s thumbs softly moving against her own and couldn’t help but smile briefly at the sensation, knowing exactly what the other girl was trying to do.

“Come on. Talk to me.”

“Well, in line with the whole discussion on our very much together financial life… our bank account… I kind of stumbled across our statement today when I got the mail. And our mortgage bill.” She looked up, watching Carmilla carefully but the older girl’s face was blank. “I shouldn’t have opened either of them, I know.”

“Why not? You’re name’s on both just as much as mine.”

“I just… I wasn’t going to bring it up tonight but I had asked you before and you had said we’d talk about it later and… Carm, how in the hell did we land this place for that cheap and how is our savings that big? I mean, I know we do okay but… there has to be like a typo on that mortgage bill.”

“I assure you, there’s not,” she said with a chuckle, taking another sip from her wine glass.

“Carmilla, seriously. I mean, I know pretty much what I make. And now I know approximately how much you bring in. I just…”

“Laura, we work hard. You’re a fantastic writer and, honestly, I’ve gotten a lot more marketable over the last few years. And you like to save every penny that we can. Between the two of us, yes, we are comfortable. But… with the house, there were some extenuating circumstances.” Carmilla’s brow furrowed slightly as she said it and Laura found herself wondering what the other girl was holding onto.

“Like what?” she asked carefully, leaning forward onto the counter.

 _Why are you pushing this? You’re supposed to be enjoying your night together and so far it’s been one defeated topic after the next!_ She shook her head, attempting to smile when Carmilla took another moment to herself.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, Laura, come on.” Carmilla immediately stood up and made her way around the island, grabbing at Laura’s hands and pulling her closer. “Look, you’re right. We’re a team here, okay?” She paused for a moment and Laura waited, unsure of what was coming. “And you asked me when you came home from the hospital how we could afford this place. The truth is we had a little help.”

“Help?” Laura asked, the leeriness leaking into her voice.

“Do you really want to hear another Lilita story tonight?” Carmilla sighed, running a hand through her hair. “I mean, the last one was such a blast.”

“Carm, please stop beating yourself up about that,” Laura said when she saw the dark-haired girl’s face fall. She let go of Carmilla’s hand, cupping the older girl’s cheek and forcing their eyes to meet. “You told me I had to stop punishing myself for everything that happened with Danny all those years ago. This is no different. We’ve made mistakes, it happens. And we grew from those mistakes, right?”

Carmilla searched her eyes for a moment before nodding softly, turning and leaving a soft kiss against the palm of her hand. Laura smiled at the gesture and leaned in, pressing her own lips against her girlfriend’s, trying to make sure Carmilla had all the reassurance she needed that Laura had in fact forgiven her.

“Do you not want to tell me about it yet?” Laura asked when they separated, foreheads still pressed together. “Because I can wait. I know your mother isn’t your favorite topic.”

She waited a moment, watching intently as Carmilla’s dark eyes closed for a beat, a deep sigh escaping her full lips. When she finally opened them, Laura saw something there… something she couldn’t quite decipher.

“It was a little over a year after she passed…”

* * *

**_Three Years and Seven Months Earlier_ **

Anxious. Confused. Apprehensive. She wasn’t sure which emotion was winning at that moment as they warred back and forth within her, each one quickly building further and further in the silence echoing throughout the room. When she’d woken up that morning, this was definitely not on her agenda. Hell, she didn’t even expect to be in the company of her siblings who were both supposed to be thousands of miles away. But apparently, her plans were of no consequence in the greater scheme of things.

She fidgeted in her chair and cleared her throat once, finally looking up into the waiting eyes of her brother, the patient smile on his face only irking her further.

“I just… I don’t understand,” she said, looking back down at the check in her hand, the paper crisp and heavy, the number of zeros giving her minor heart palpitations.

“What’s there to understand, kitty?” Will asked, sitting across from her at the newly refurbished dining table that Kirsch had just given them last year when they’d moved into their new apartment not long after Laura’s graduation.

Will smiled at her before turning to Mattie who looked just as dumbfounded, loosely holding a separate check in her own hands as though she was ready to toss it aside at any second. Carmilla watched as Mattie opened and closed her mouth twice, seemingly unsure of what to say, the gesture so unlike the confident, assertive Mattie that she was used to and making her even more nervous about what was happening.

“Well, for starters, this is an exorbitant amount of money,” Mattie finally said, her voice cautious and so hesitant it sounded odd in Carmilla’s ears.

“It’s a decent chunk of change, yeah,” he joked, still all smiles. Again, he looked back and forth between the two sisters, his smile slowly turning to a look of confusion as the silence wore on. “Seriously? Neither of you has anything else to say about this?”

“I just…” Carmilla tried to start but couldn’t seem to finish, the thoughts tumbling around her brain at that moment too much to comprehend.

“William, while this is incredibly generous of you, are you sure that this is the right decision?” Mattie asked, her hands now folded in front of her, resting on the table.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he said with a laugh, his smile once again bright. “Come on, I thought you guys would be happy about this!”

“It’s not that, Will, it’s just…” Carmilla trailed off again, setting the check down on the table in front of her and pushing it away. “This was all supposed to be yours. I mean, mother’s assets have been tied up for over a year now because of those blood sucking lawyers she hired to handle everything. Now that everything is settled, and you were the one actually working to settle it… I guess I just don’t understand why you would want to do this.”

He looked back and forth between the two sisters, once again clearly baffled by their reactions.

“Carm, I got cinnamon rolls for tomorrow's… oh, Mattie! Will! I didn’t know you guys were coming!” Laura said as she burst into the apartment, smiling ear to ear, the ruckus of her entrance a stark contrast to the heavy silence hanging over the kitchen table. Carmilla watched the smaller girl quickly set her things down and move towards them, leaning over to wrap her arms around Carmilla’s neck from behind and leaving a small kiss on her temple in greeting.

“Hey, cupcake. Yeah, they uh… they just got here. It’s a… surprise visit,” Carmilla answered quietly.

“Well, it’s certainly a nice surprise,” Laura said, moving to hug Will and receive air kisses from Mattie before sitting down in the last vacant chair. “So, what’re you guys doing here? You all have your super somber faces on. Is… is everything okay?”

“Mother’s will is finally settled and no longer being contested. So I came here to share the good news and brought Mattie along with me,” Will explained.

“Oh. Well, um… good for you then,” Laura shrugged, clearly at a loss for what more to say.

“Cutie, I told you Will was the sole benefactor of her estate and um… well…” Carmilla trailed off, reaching forward and pushing the check in front of her over to Laura. She watched the smaller girl eye it curiously for a moment before her eyes widened comically and she frantically looked around the table, her mouth opening and closing rapidly. “Yeah.”

“Would you both please just let me do this? It’s my decision, it’s my money, I want to split it equally between the three of us,” Will said as if it was the simplest thing in the world. “This is what I have so far but I’ve already contacted a real estate agent in Chicago. The house will be on the market in the next few weeks and the profits from that will also be split three ways.”

_There’s more?!?_

“Will, this is insane!”

“Carmilla, come on. Look, years ago, this was the way it was going to be anyway. Before… well, before Mattie went rogue and you went to the dark side,” he chuckled, laughing even harder when his sisters glared at him menacingly. “I’m kidding. But seriously, originally it was to be split between the three of us. Mattie, you were still getting part of your trust fund but I felt like you should have it all. And then some. And then more on top of that. And Carmilla, I mean, you deserve something too. Besides, I don’t need all of this. I honestly had no idea just how much she actually had. I thought we’d be splitting what’s on one of those checks right now between the three of us. But she had investments all over.”

“William, again, this is very sweet of you but-”

“You’re right, it is very sweet of me. It’s also the right thing to do.” He looked between the two of them, sighing heavily before glancing down at the table, scratching at the scruff on his chin, his mood no longer lighthearted. “Look, the two of you have done more for me than mother ever did. It was the two of you who got me clean and the two of you who really helped me get through school.”

“We most certainly did not pay for your schooling, William.”

“I don’t mean financially. I mean you two supported me. Even from hundreds and thousands of miles away. Without you guys, I would’ve given up after the first semester. And more than that, Mattie, you were always the big sister that I looked up to. You don’t take shit from anyone,” he said with a laugh. “And I admire that.”

Carmilla could’ve sworn she saw Mattie’s face heat up ever so slightly at the compliment but she checked it immediately, her stoic expression returning just as quickly as it had vanished.

“And, Carm, how many times did you take the heat for something we both did as kids? How many times did you get in trouble when I didn’t?” Carmilla merely shrugged, honestly having lost count around the time they were fourteen and fifteen. “Besides, you’ve also been a fantastic wingman and helped me get more girls than **I** can count,” he said with a grin.

Carmilla simply smirked, unable to stop herself from chuckling when she saw Laura roll her eyes.

“So see, all kidding aside, more than that stuff, you guys have taken care of me for years. Let me take care of you. Even if it’s just this once.”

Carmilla looked down at the check sitting between her and Laura again, sighing deeply and feeling completely lost as to what to do.  

“Help me out here, scrapper. Convince your girlfriend this is the right thing to do.”

“While I think that this very kind of you to want to do this, I don’t think I can help you out here, Will,” Laura said, rising from her seat. “In fact, I’m just going to leave you guys to talk. I think this is something you three need to decide together. I’ll um… I’ll be downstairs in the bakery, if you need me, okay?” She nodded and smiled gently at her girlfriend, running a comforting hand along Carmilla’s shoulders as she passed.

 _She’s going to miss that place when we move next month,_ Carmilla thought as she turned and watched her grab her backpack, quietly leaving the apartment and the giant weight of indecision hanging around Carmilla’s neck.

“Man, if I knew I was going to have to work this hard to get the two of you on my side, I would’ve just found a way to drop it into your bank accounts and disappeared for a few years. Or at least until neither of you wanted to beat the crap out of me anymore,” Will said after the front door closed. “Really, the both of you just need to nod and smile. It’s not that hard.”

Carmilla looked up from the check, Mattie’s eyes already on her, both of their faces riddled with worry.

_I never thought we’d be having this discussion right now._

“Come on. Mattie, there’s enough there for you to really get your line up and running now! Not years from now! And you can travel the world with it. You could buy a house in Paris and one in New York and still have enough left over to retire at thirty-five,” he said, his eyes pleading as they moved from one sister to the next. “And, Carmilla, kitty cat, this could be really great for you and Laura.”

She felt that one. He certainly knew how to hit her in the right spot to make her actual consider the proposal.

She reached up, scratching at the back of her neck, the whole situation getting more and more uncomfortable by the second. How could she make him understand?

“Will, I guess it’s just… I never wanted **her** money. And she definitely didn’t want me to have it.”

“Well then good thing it’s not her money, it’s mine. The check doesn’t say Lilita Morgan! Yes, I got it from her, I know, but since it’s already changed hands once, she’s out of the picture. And **I definitely** want you both to have it. You two…” He trailed off his eyes sad, glancing away for a moment before coming back to them, his emotions now in check. “If it wasn’t for the two of you, honestly, I’d probably be dead in a drainpipe somewhere. Just please, let me do this.”

Carmilla flinched at the imagery, the thought turning her stomach, though she had to admit, it was a fear she’d held onto for years before Will finally got clean.

“Fine, William. I’ll accept it,” Mattie finally said, scowling at him when he tried to offer up a high five that she promptly rejected. “Thank you, little brother.”

Carmilla smirked at the display, Mattie so prim and proper and Will just enough of a goof to throw her off.

“Well, what about you?” he asked turning towards her, his face eager.

“Can I sleep on it?” she asked cautiously.

“Sure. Talk to scrapper, figure it out,” he said, with a smile. “In the meantime, who’s up for dinner? I’m starving.”

“I could definitely handle a martini right now,” Mattie said as she gracefully rose from her seat and straightened her dress.

“Good. You’re buying,” he said with a wink making Carmilla chuckle as Mattie continued to scowl. She glanced down at the check one more time, swallowing hard before turning away and following them out the door.

* * *

“So… crazy day huh?” Laura said as she climbed into bed that night. She rolled onto her side, propping her head up on her hand and gazed down in the dark at Carmilla who lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, completely blank-faced.

“Honestly, I don’t think crazy really covers it.” Carmilla sighed deeply, looking away, playing with a loose thread on their quilt. “You know, I thought this was done. I thought everything surrounding my mother was over but…”

The Lilita issue hadn’t simply disappeared that night in their old studio apartment when Laura had held her for hours after their fight. She’d wanted it to, but it would never be that simple.

They’d made plans for a quick flight to Chicago the next day for the service, Carmilla simply going through the motions with everything in her life… the funeral and work and their friends. Everything except Laura.

The fight had really done a number on the dark-haired girl and she’d spent the next few weeks trying to make up for her despicable behavior in any way that she could. Cleaning their apartment on her own and cooking all their meals. Bringing home sweets and chocolates she thought Laura might like. Handling all the shopping before Laura could take care of it. Watching whatever Laura wanted on the nights they had together and following along to spend time with their friends without complaint. Working even more so that she could quickly recoup the money they’d spent on the trip to Chicago. And the entire time, apologizing constantly for that horrible night, her ‘I’m so sorry’s’ not diminishing in their sincerity the slightest. And it wasn’t until Laura finally snapped and begged her to stop everything that she finally realized that Laura honestly had forgiven her. It was going to take a lot longer for her to forgive herself though.

“You really thought it was over?”

“Well… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted it to be. But I really wasn’t expecting this. I mean, I know Will’s generous beyond all measure. He always has been. He used to sneak me half his dessert when we were kids and I got sent to my room without dinner. But, with this… I guess I didn’t really think about what he’d do with the money.”

“You really didn’t think he’d want to give something to you and Mattie?” Laura asked, a hint of disbelief clouding her tone.

“I guess I didn’t want him to. I just… I don’t want her money, Laura. And if I were to take it, I don’t want to be constantly reminded that the woman who gave it to me hated me,” she said, looking away again, unable to meet Laura’s caring gaze.

“But she didn’t give it to you, Carm,” Laura said, reaching for her and pulling their faces together. “Your brother did. Your brother who adores you and who only wants to make sure you’re alright and taken care of.”

“I can take care of myself,” she mumbled.

“And he knows that. Trust me, everyone knows that,” she giggled. “But maybe this is his way of paying you back. For all those times you took care of him, like he said.”

“Even if that’s the reason, I still don’t know if I can accept it. I just… I don’t know. I mean, I can always refuse it but…” Carmilla looked up at her, her dark eyes sad and lost.

“Well, what do you want to do? I mean, if you take it, you could buy pretty much anything you wanted.”

“Laura, I lived that life. And I fucking hated it. I don’t want some fancy house that looks like it’s not even lived in and expensive things that you’re not allowed to ever touch. That’s just… that’s not me. But if I took it, well… what do you think I should do?” she asked, her eyes eager.

“Carm, I can’t help you make this decision,” Laura said, her thumb softly moving back and forth across the dark-haired girl’s jaw.

“Yes, you can! Because… well, this impacts you too.”

“How?”

“Laura, you’re here, with me. You’re the biggest, most important part of my life. Something like this… it’s not like I just take the money and that’s that. That it won’t have any effect on you or our life together. If I took it, I could pay for stuff… for us. I mean, if I have money, we have money. Doesn’t matter if it’s ‘mine’. It’s… it would be ours.”

“No. Carmilla, we’ve been down this road. This relationship isn’t one of us taking care of the other. We’re equal and I want to contribute to our life together.”

“I know you don’t want any handouts. Neither do I. It’s just… honestly, Laura, the only reason I would even consider accepting this is to make things easier for you. For us. You’re working now and that’s great but if something happens… well, you wouldn’t have to worry.”

“But I like that I get to actually contribute, Carm. I love bringing home a paycheck every week and even if there’s not much left after the bills are paid, we have our little apartment that smells like toasted pecans and chocolate chip cookies. And once and a while, we can go out for a nice dinner or a concert. And I know you don’t want us to worry, but things are so much better than they were a year ago. Who’s to say next year we won’t be in an even better spot?”

“It sounds like you’re telling me not to take it.”

“No, I’m not saying that, Carm. Honestly, I think Will has a point. The three of you all went through the same things in that house, your path’s just varied after you left. But you’ve all paid your dues and I get why he wants to do this. That’s not to say you have to take it and buy a white on white on white mansion and live her life though. You could take the money and you could do something really great with it.”

“Like what?” Carmilla pouted.

“Well, what if you donated some of it? To like an LGBT organization. Maybe one that helps kids?”

“That would stick it to her, good,” Carmilla grumbled.

“And maybe in doing so, you could be there for someone who’s going through what you went through. Who maybe needs some help,” Laura continued, ignoring Carmilla’s venom.

“That’s… that’s not a bad idea, cutie.” Carmilla stared at her girlfriend, the idea becoming more and more appealing as the seconds ticked by.

“Carm, just because she wasn’t good to you over the last few years, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you choose to accept this. And it doesn’t mean you owe her anything. Besides, this is Will’s choice, not hers.”

“I know but… well, I don’t want to disappoint you,” she said quietly.

“How would you be disappointing me?” Laura asked.

“More like you’d be disappointed **in** me,” Carmilla answered, looking away. “Like you think I was taking the easy route if I accepted.”

“Carm, no.” Laura cupped her cheek, waiting until Carmilla’s eyes met hers once more before continuing. “I know this is a big deal for you and the smallest part of it is the money. I know it’s hard for you to accept that people care about you. But this isn’t about your mother anymore. This is about you. It’s about Will. It’s about Mattie. It’s about the fact that the three of you would literally do anything for the others. You guys didn’t learn that from Lilita.”

Carmilla stared into Laura’s eyes in wonderment, swallowing hard and Laura wondered for a moment if she’d crossed the line. It was so hard to toe it sometimes when it came to the dark-haired girl’s family but she felt that this one time, it was something she had to say.

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?” she asked nervously.

“Know exactly what I need to hear at the moments when I feel like I can’t get any lower?”

“It’s kind of my job, Carm,” Laura said, smiling sweetly and leaning in to leave a soft kiss against her lips.

“I just… I’m worried I’ll always feel like she’s still hanging over me, still holding all the cards.”

“She’s not though. She’s… she’s gone. And her cards as you say, dictated that Will would flourish while you and Mattie struggled. So if you really think about it, she’ll never be able to have the last word. And you can make peace with that.”

“It’s not even the money that I need to make peace with. It’s… I guess it’s just so ingrained in me now. These feelings that… well, I was a huge disappointment to her. I wasn’t lovable. So if my own mother felt that way, why in the hell would anyone else feel any different about me?”

“Because she was clouded by her own issues. She couldn’t see just how amazing you are. She couldn’t see how lovable you are. But, Carm, that doesn’t mean that no one else can see those things.” Laura leaned in, leaving another soft kiss against her lips, lingering a moment longer. “I see you every day and they’re right there. I see you, Carm. And I love you.”

She watched as Carmilla swallowed hard before pulling her closer, releasing a breath she’d apparently been holding when Laura kissed her, her lips promising everything she’d just said all over again.

* * *

**_Present_ **

Laura smiled as Carmilla’s fingers tickled along her rib cage beneath her tank top, releasing a tiny giggle when she hit a particularly sensitive spot. As it had gotten later, they’d moved story time into the bedroom, which she had no complaints about. Laying there in **their** bed, holding Carmilla close, and hearing one more tale of how they’d taken care of each other was something she would never whine about.

“So now you know. That’s how we were able to afford this place,” Carmilla said, her breath slowly tickling across Laura’s collarbone.

“So… you obviously took the money,” Laura said, her own fingertips tracing random patterns across Carmilla’s bare shoulder.

“Mmm… kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“I agreed to take it but I only kept the amount I would’ve gotten in my trust fund. And even that wasn’t easy. But you were right. It wasn’t about mother. It was about Mattie and Will.”

“I’m so intuitive,” she giggled. “So, the amount you didn’t keep…?”

“Was a shit-ton of money,” she chuckled. “You immediately went into research mode, setting up pro and con lists, and found a handful of charities that we agreed to donate it to.”

“Really?”

“And then, the amount we did keep, well, we just held onto it. We didn’t know what to do with it until this place became available. We used some of it to put down a hefty down payment, which is why the mortgage is so small and the rest is why our savings looks the way it does,” Carmilla said with a shrug. “I mean, we hardly ever touch it. It’s mainly just there for like a super horrible rainy day.”

“All of that makes a lot more sense now,” she said, smiling gently. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I wasn’t trying to make it into a big secret or anything. I just… you know I don’t like talking about her.”

“I know. But I’m still grateful that you told me. And… I like hearing about times when I got to be there for you,” she said, feeling her face heat up just a touch.

“Laura, you’re always there,” Carmilla said, her voice soft but serious as she left a gentle kiss against the exposed skin below Laura’s collarbone.

She swallowed down the feeling that statement left right in the center of her chest, not wanting to get her hopes up.

“The old me made a lot of really good points too,” she said with a giggle, attempting to downplay the seriousness of the moment. “She knew what she was talking about.”

Carmilla simply laughed along for a moment before lifting her head, grinning softly as she did.

“You do realize that the old you and the new you, laying here in this bed, are the same person right? You’re not two different people.”

Laura felt her smile dimming, the weight of those words slamming into her with a force that nearly leveled her.

_My god._

Carmilla, the girl who weeks ago was completely terrified that things would be different between them… that felt as though she was betraying the woman she’d loved for years by trying to make this work… that was laying here now in her arms, looking at her like she was everything that made her world go round…

_She really sees me as me. I’m not past Laura vs. present Laura. I’m not the girl she was in love with vs. the girl she’s now in love with. I’m not old Laura vs. new Laura. I’m just… I’m just Laura to her._

“I…” She trailed off, breathing sharply and having no idea what to say or how to say it, so overwhelmed at that moment.

“What?” Carmilla asked, her grin fading only slightly at the edges as she continued to stare up at the smaller girl.

Swallowing hard, Laura moved her hands to Carmilla’s face, cupping it gently and pulling the dark-haired girl in, their lips meeting softly for a long moment, Laura taking in everything she could.

She opened her eyes as Carmilla pulled away, still gripping tightly to the older girl, watching those dark eyes slowly flutter open in wonder.

“Not that I’m complaining but-” Carmilla started but Laura quickly cut her off, bringing their lips together again and quickly rolling them over, sighing when she felt the softness of Carmilla’s body completely below her, completely surrendering. She heard the other girl moan softly as they adjusted themselves, limbs tangling together at every possible juncture and the kiss innocently lingering on for another moment before Laura grazed her tongue along Carmilla’s lips, sighing once again when it met with Carmilla’s as the kiss quickly escalated.

Seriously, how had she gone so long after the accident without doing this?

Using one arm to support herself, she let her other hand slowly drift down Carmilla’s torso over her tank top, only moving back up after she’d reached the hem of the shirt and maneuvered below it. Skin she’d already begun to explore met her fingertips as she traced upwards, searching for skin she was a little less familiar with but didn’t take long to find. She smiled when they both sighed at the same time as she met it, her hand finally cupping Carmilla’s breast, her fingers light and teasing for a few long moments.

“Damn. See? Totally still you, cutie. You were a tease before and you still are now,” Carmilla grumbled against her lips, making her giggle quietly between quick nips at girlfriend’s lips.

“Maybe. But who said I was only going to be teasing you?” she whispered back, kissing her once more soundly, realizing just how much she **wanted** this… how much she **needed** this before pulling away.

Sitting up slowly and straddling the older girl, she smiled at the disgruntled sound that escaped Carmilla lips, the noise quickly evolving to one of appreciation as she slowly peeled her own tank top up and off, tossing it to the floor. She watched the other girl’s eyes darken ever so slightly at the sight as she pushed herself up onto her elbows, her eyes roaming over the skin Laura had just revealed before meeting Laura’s own hungry gaze.

“Are you absolutely sure you’re ready for this, cupcake? I mean, I know you said you were but…”

Laura just smiled, leaning forward and capturing Carmilla’s lips with her own, smiling harder when the older girl moaned quietly into her mouth. But it was short lived and she felt the smile fade from her lips in confusion when she felt Carmilla’s hands on her shoulders, pushing her back up and away, her brow furrowing in worry when Carmilla’s lips pulled apart from her own.

“What’s-” She cut herself off as she watched Carmilla quickly pull off her own shirt, completely unprepared for the sight revealed to her. “Oh.”

She took in her perfect skin, her soft curves, her amazing breasts.

_Jesus._

“Still okay there, cutie?” Carmilla said with a chuckle. Laura merely smiled at her teasing, pulling her in again, their lips meeting in a torrent of giggles and sighs as warm skin met warm skin.

“I’m really starting to think we should’ve done this sooner,” she said, swallowing hard and letting out a louder moan as Carmilla’s lips left hers and traced across her chin and down her neck, the older girl leaving slow open-mouthed kisses across her shoulder, her hands roaming over Laura’s own torso, fingers slowly tickling up her ribs one at a time before palming her breasts. “Yeah, way sooner,” she sighed again, another long, low whimper coming from her mouth as the dark-haired girl’s thumbs brushed across her nipples in the most absolutely perfect way.

 _That’s because she knows,_ she thought. _She knows every inch of your body and… oh, to hell with it, you’ll figure out hers. Who are you to complain about having to spend more time in bed together so that you can relearn all that stuff?_

She pulled Carmilla’s face back up to her own, their lips heatedly coming back together even as Carmilla’s hands never stopped their incredible ministrations.

Finally, pushing her back onto the bed, their lips pulling apart as she did, she found her own mouth roaming down Carmilla’s throat, leaving a nip here and there just for good measure, delighting in the way her girlfriend’s breath caught in her throat each time she bit a little harder. Moving further down her chest, she placed one hand on Carmilla’s hip and the other around her breast, her lips on a mission. Finally, her mouth made its way to the older girl’s other breast, slowly mapping each new inch she discovered.

“Fuck, Laura,” Carmilla groaned from above her as she took her nipple fully into her mouth, the other girl gently tugging at soft brunette strands as she did.

Moving to give the other breast the same attention, she let her hands meet on Carmilla’s hips, her thumbs brushing just below the waistband of those teeny tiny shorts she insisted upon wearing. Once again, she heard her girlfriend’s breath hitch as she apparently hit a sensitive spot, and while she tried to log it in her mind for later, her want for more outweighed everything else at that moment and she pulled herself away, letting her teeth graze over the sensitive flesh one last time.

She looked up, watching Carmilla’s head fall back heavily against the pillows, her chest rising and falling rapidly, skin slightly flushed and Laura couldn’t help but smile. She’d done that. She’d made that happen. And dammit, she couldn’t wait for more. Wrapping her fingers around the waistband of her shorts once again, she gave a slight tug, smiling even harder when Carmilla looked up, their eyes meeting, both overflowing with want. Laura raised herself up just enough to help Carmilla kick her shorts and underwear off, intent on immediately settling back down on top of her but finding herself stopped short as Carmilla tugged at the waist of her own bottoms. Laura glanced down, watching the older girl’s fingers teasingly dipping in and out of the waistband of her pajama pants and suddenly found the material entirely unnecessary.

 _Yeah, those need to go,_ she thought, awkwardly pulling off the last of their clothing and pressing herself down against the dark-haired girl, the two of them falling back onto the pillows, lips eagerly meeting once again. She sighed heavily at the feeling of every inch of her that was touching against Carmilla, barrier-free, her body not prepared for just how amazing it would feel. And she wanted to relish the moment, really, she did. But more than that, she needed…

Letting her hand move from where it rested on Carmilla’s hip, fingers teasing as they crept closer and closer, she moaned when it finally found itself nestled firmly between the dark-haired girl’s thighs. And apparently, she wasn’t the only one in desperate need because Carmilla immediately tore her lips away, pressing their foreheads together, and whimpering quietly as her fingers moved and explored.

 _Oh my god, she feels so good,_ she thought, swallowing hard at the new sensation. She looked down, her eyes tracing Carmilla’s features, quickly trying to memorize everything about this moment from the way she slightly bit her bottom lip, already swollen from kisses to the slight furrow in her brow and the way her eyes had narrowed just so, their dark intensity close to overwhelming.

“You are so beautiful, Carm,” she whispered, smiling harder when the dark-haired girl’s lips twitched ever so slightly. But Carmilla didn’t say anything, she simply threaded her fingers from one hand into Laura’s hair and pulled her back in, their lips and tongues meeting once more for a long, luxurious moment.

She squealed in surprise when she suddenly found their positions switched, Carmilla now hovering over her, smirking wickedly and making her giggle, wondering what the older girl was up to. Still smiling into the kiss when their lips met again, she found her laughter quickly turning into a moan at the feeling of Carmilla’s own hand tracing along the crease where her thigh met her hip, her touch teasing.

“Sorry, I just didn’t want to let you have all the fun,” Carmilla said, pulling away just slightly as her fingers met Laura’s own need, sliding slowly through wetness back and forth just right. Laura sighed again, this time in relief as Carmilla’s fingers slowly circled her clit, once, twice, a third time before moving lower, and smoothly sliding inside of her.

“Oh god, Carm,” she moaned, feeling the other girl’s fingers moving in and out so perfectly. She glanced up, the look on Carmilla’s face indecipherable but sobering her just enough to quickly gather herself. She swallowed and reached her free hand up, cupping the other girl’s face and watching as Carmilla’s eyes melted. “Hey, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Absolutely nothing, cutie,” she said with a smile. “I just…”

Laura swallowed again, already knowing, her own soft smile coming to her lips. As much as she wanted this moment, she suddenly realized what it actually meant to Carmilla.

_It’s us again. It’s me and her and…_

“I know,” she said, nodding once and making Carmilla chuckle happily before bringing their lips together once again. Laura wound her free hand through Carmilla’s hair, keeping her close as the fingers from her other hand finally… slowly found their way inside her girlfriend, the sensation leaving Carmilla groaning against her mouth.

She hadn’t been prepared for this moment. She had no idea how amazing it would feel to have Carmilla this close to her, no barriers, warm skin on warm skin, pressing into one another over and over. Of course, she’d given it a lot of thought. She’d even conjured up some pretty explicit images just that morning in the shower. But **nothing** could’ve prepared her for the real thing.

She heard a sound rip from the depths of her throat… a sound she’d never heard before, as Carmilla found that elusive spot inside of her, the older girl’s fingers working so perfectly to drive her closer and closer to the edge.

 _Wait, no!_ She tore her lips away, attempting to slow the rocking of her hips that she hadn’t even realized had started, a slight feeling of panic hitting her.

“Mmm, Carm… wait… can we… oh god, that feels so good! Can we… dammit, I’m already so close,” she whimpered against the dark-haired girl’s lips, watching as that stupid, sexy smirk formed on them and Carmilla’s thrusts sped up, her palm driving into Laura’s clit with every pass.

“We have all the time in the world for more, cupcake. Just let it go,” she said, her lips quickly moving down to Laura’s throat and then finding that spot just below her ear, nipping at it and driving her that much closer.

 _Oh, fuck it,_ she thought, gripping tighter to Carmilla as she stepped back towards the cliff. Her nails dug harder into the other girl’s back as her hips moved faster and faster, Carmilla’s lips vibrating against her neck with a light laugh as the orgasm finally washed over her, her entire body going taut underneath her girlfriend with a loud moan that somehow encompassed part of Carmilla’s name and a string of curse words she rarely used before collapsing back into the mattress, spent.

_Holy cow…_

“Haven’t heard that mouth on you in a while, cupcake,” Carmilla chuckled in her ear, her fingers gently slowing as the seconds ticked on before carefully removing them.

Taking a moment to recoup, Laura finally opened her eyes, and immediately beamed at the sight of Carmilla looking down at her, mischievous eyes, teasing smirk, hair slightly disheveled, and so amazingly beautiful that Laura could barely stand it.

“So…” the dark-haired girl started, wiggling her eyebrows just so, clearly enjoying herself.

Remembering where her fingers were, Laura started to move them again, slowly at first as she attempted to get her wits about her, immediately cutting off whatever Carmilla had been about to say as the dark-hair girl’s breath hitched just the slightest, a soft moan leaving her mouth.

Angling upwards, Laura’s lips captured the ones above her, the hand between Carmilla’s legs speeding up its thrusts, making sure her palm grazed against Carmilla’s clit with each stroke, the other hand wrapping around thick, black locks, keeping Carmilla’s lips against her own. Her smile grew with each new pant and moan that left the older girl’s mouth, their volume and frequency increasing with each passing moment until Carmilla finally pulled herself away, her forehead leaning heavily against Laura’s as she came apart with a long groan and a shiver. And dammit, if Laura thought Carmilla was beautiful before… _I will never get tired of seeing this._

“Damn, Laura,” she grumbled, collapsing on top of the smaller girl, her muscles apparently no longer willing to cooperate.

Laura giggled and carefully adjusted them from below, rolling them onto their sides, one arm sliding around Carmilla’s waist, the other moving to her face, carefully brushing back her hair. She stared, her eyes once again tracing every inch of the girl in front of her as Carmilla came back to herself, her eyes finally fluttering open, staring back curiously.

“What?” she asked, her eyes narrowed. “What’s that look for?”

“Nothing,” she said with a bashful smile. “Just… my dreams couldn’t even compare to how good that just was.”

She watched the lazy smile meet Carmilla’s own lips, a soft chuckle erupting from her chest as the older girl turned towards the ceiling, her eyes closing briefly.

“Dreams, huh?”

“Hey, a girl’s gotta eat,” she giggled.

“Oh really, Hollis? You want to eat?” Carmilla teased, rolling back on top of her with a smirk, her eyes dancing, one hand moving to cup Laura’s breast, their legs intertwining once more. She simply giggled with a blush and smiled as Carmilla leaned down and kissed her hard, apparently ready for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	34. Announcement

This is not an update and I apologize, however, as I know not everyone uses Tumblr and Twitter continues to confound me, I was at a loss of where else to make this announcement.

Amnesia is going on a teeny tiny hiatus. I’m _hoping_ and _hopeful_ that this is only going to be for a couple of weeks but regardless of how long, I felt I owed you all a heads-up. I warred with myself on this for most of the weekend, because I’m super lame, but I really believe that it’s the right decision. The less than stellar crap that I’ve put out for the last couple of chapters is frankly embarrassing and you guys deserve better. So as I take this pause, please know that even though there won’t be any updates, I will be working diligently on the final seven chapters to make them the absolute best that I can. Honestly, a good chunk of those seven are already written but I know I can do better.

I know a lot of times if a writer goes away for a bit, regardless of the length of time, the readers may quickly lose interest and by the time the writer comes back, no one cares anymore, but I sincerely hope that that won’t be the case for those of you who are still reading. I really do love this story and most of the time I’m pretty proud of it, but I have absolutely no intention of leaving it unfinished. I just really want to do it justice and give this amazing fandom something worthwhile. If you do have any questions or suggestions or maybe just want to yell at me for the delay, most of you know where to find me on social media.

All of that being said, I want to thank all of you who have given this story a chance. I sincerely appreciate you guys and I will see you in a couple weeks, fingers crossed.

 


	35. What A Dangerous Night To Fall In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Figuring out how to meld the new with the old, LaF getting what they deserve, and Hollstein being... well, pretty awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, Jill.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

“Oh my god, that’s so good,” Laura moaned, swallowing the last bite of her chocolate cupcake with a delighted sigh, smiling happily, her voice barely audible over the din surrounding her.

She would’ve been perfectly happy to not even consider leaving the house for a week, but seeing as Carmilla had some work to take care of and would be gone for most of the day, she’d agreed to meet LaF and Perry for coffee and something sweet that afternoon. And as she looked around the little café, she couldn’t even find it in herself to be bothered by the fact that it was absolutely swamped, the bodies of the other patrons crammed in tightly together creating a slightly claustrophobic and stifling feel to the quaint little shop. She normally preferred when there were only a few locals here and there, dotting the meager space, but today, nothing could get her down. It was… a **fantastic** day.

The sight that had greeted her when she’d woken up that morning immediately had her heart light and skipping in her chest along with a quiet, satisfied sigh escaping from between her lips.

Her eyes had slowly fluttered open, taking longer than necessary to adjust to the uncomfortable brightness of the room, but as they finally did, she’d found herself immediately enraptured by the sight of the incredibly beautiful woman next to her. Carmilla was lying on her back, fast asleep, looking so absolutely peaceful and serene that Laura couldn’t stop the smile pulling harder at her lips, threatening to overtake her whole face. The night before had been so amazing and wonderful, and Laura didn’t think she could’ve ever been happier. And then ten seconds later, she was proven so very wrong.

“You’re staring,” Carmilla mumbled sleepily, the edges of her own mouth twitching and Laura felt her cheeks heat up at having been caught. But she refused to look away, her gaze soaking up the vision of those perfect lips that she’d spent half the night pressed against curving just so.

“Why wouldn’t I when it’s such a beautiful sight?” she asked, smiling harder when Carmilla chuckled softly.

She shuffled closer, resting her head on Carmilla’s pillow and wrapping her arm tighter around her waist, her lips finding the warm skin of her shoulder and her eyes closing once again, reveling in the absolute perfection of the moment. But apparently, the older girl didn’t feel like reveling in the same manner, and a moment later Laura found herself on her back, Carmilla hovering over her, smirking softly, those gorgeous brown eyes finally open.

“Morning, cupcake,” she said, her voice still a little gravely and damn it, if the sound didn’t make something flutter low in the younger girl’s stomach.

Laura released a ragged sigh as Carmilla leaned forward, her lips landing at the hollow of the smaller girl’s throat, pressing softly, slowly making their way upwards to her chin and attempting to find Laura’s own mouth. But Laura pulled herself out of the blissful moment just in time, removing one of the hands that she had wound into dark locks and bringing it over her own lips, stopping Carmilla suddenly in her tracks.

“You okay?” the older girl asked, drawing back, her brow furrowed, tired eyes suddenly worried. “Did I-”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, don’t even ask,” Laura answered, reaching up and cupping her girlfriend’s cheek, relieved to see the dark eyes above her instantly soften at the contact. “I just… I should brush my teeth first.”

It had made total sense in her mind and she thought Carmilla would understand. But she hadn’t expected for the dark-haired girl to actually laugh at her.

_Why is that funny?_

“You can’t honestly think I’ve never kissed you with morning breath, cutie.”

“Well… no.”

“And we’ve been sleeping next to each other for a week and a half now.”

“But you never kiss me on the lips in the morning. You always go for the forehead or my cheek, I suspect because you are ridiculously sweet and a giant softy,” she teased, tucking a tendril of black behind her ear and watching as Carmilla rolled her eyes before continuing. “But… this is still new to me, remember?” She stared up, watching Carmilla’s dancing eyes and playful smile both soften as she nodded.

“I remember,” she said, pushing up and resting her lips against Laura’s forehead for a long moment, lingering there and Laura found herself gripping tighter to her girlfriend, not wanting to separate. And Carmilla must’ve felt it because she chuckled softly into her hairline, the soft vibration tickling just so against the fine hairs there. She finally pulled back, hovering once more, their eyes meeting. “I don’t think I have to ask, but I’m going to. After last night… you’re okay, right?”

“I appreciate that but I’m more than okay, Carm,” Laura answered with a smile, part of her wanting to laugh at the utter ridiculousness of the notion and part of her wanting to swoon at just how thoughtful the girl above her could be. “What about you?”

“Oh, I’m just fine, cupcake,” she answered, those teasing eyes holding hers and in that moment, with Carmilla naked above her, hair tousled, eyes still sleepy at the edges, and that beautiful smile pulling at her lips… it really was **them**. It felt safe and comfortable. It felt **familiar** , the tingling seeping in just in the corners of her mind. It was like they’d done this a million times before and that morning was just a drop in the bucket. They could have another million mornings like this. And a million more after that. They could have as many millions as they wanted.

She swallowed hard at the thought, feeling it tug in her chest, the emotions swirling around inside of her so close to overpowering that she had to close her eyes against the onslaught, desperately trying to keep her composure, and amplifying these incredible feelings even further were Carmilla’s lips pressing softly against her forehead again. And again. And then her temple. And her other temple. And her cheek, down along her jaw, moving back up the other side.

She didn’t have to say a word. Carmilla already **knew** . She knew every feeling, every thought, every emotion surging through Laura at that moment because she knew **them** . She knew **her**. And Carmilla loved her.

Opening her eyes, she moved her hands up, cupping Carmilla’s face and pulling her in, connecting their mouths for a long moment.

“Mmm, what happened to your tooth brushing worries?” the older girl asked as they pulled apart.

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered, letting her thumbs brush against her girlfriend’s cheeks. “Kiss me again?” And Carmilla did, the kiss growing in intensity as the moments ticked by until Laura impatiently rolled them over, straddling the older girl and holding tight.

Needless to say, it had been an incredible and slightly adventurous morning. One that she’d been floating on ever since.

Looking around once more as she licked the last of the icing off her thumb, she turned back in her vinyl seat at the coffee house, and was met with two very confused and possibly concerned gingers staring back at her, their eyes wide, brows furrowed.

“What? What’s wrong?” she asked, swiping at her face with a napkin just in case she was covered in frosting.

_Wouldn’t be the first time._

“That’s like your third one today, L, and they seem to just keep getting better and better.”

“Yeah, so? What’s your point?” she countered, contemplating a fourth.

“Just that it’s only a cupcake,” LaF chuckled. “And we’ve been coming here at least once a month for like two years. I know you love sweets but even for your palate, I feel like you’re overselling it just a tad.”

“Well… I don’t know. They’re just really good today,” Laura answered with a shrug, her smile still never leaving her face.

“They taste the same as they always do to me,” LaF argued. “You sure it’s the cupcakes, or did something else happen that’s got you all smiling like crazy and super giddy?”

“You do seem a bit more… cheerful than normal today, Laura,” Perry agreed from her seat. “Which is fantastic, by the way. But a little odd.”

“I’m just… I don’t know,” Laura shrugged again, looking away and failing to hide her smile. “I’m just in a good mood. Is that so wrong?”

“No. But normally you’re only this happy when your other half is around and… yeah, I don’t see her,” LaF said, grinning widely as they continued to pry.

“Well, then maybe you should get your eyes checked,” Carmilla’s voice came from behind them and Laura felt her heart literally speed up in excitement. She turned in her seat, positively beaming and took in the sight of her girlfriend standing there, looking incredibly gorgeous, as always, her leather jacket hanging wide open, loose gray scarf around her neck, and smirking softly in her direction.

“Hey! What’re you doing here? I thought you had work to do,” she said.

“I decided to blow off my afternoon agenda. Seeing you sounded like a much better idea,” Carmilla said as she stepped closer and leaned over, her lips softly pressing against Laura’s for a long moment with a sigh.

“Well, I’m not going to complain about that,” Laura said dreamily as they parted. Carmilla simply chuckled and stole another kiss before taking the chair next to hers, sliding it closer to the smaller girl as she sat.

“Well, you’re a little late to the party, bad seed. We were actually just getting ready to leave. If we could get L here to stop bogarting all the cupcakes in the joint, that is.”

“Oh bummer,” Carmilla said, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “You mean I don’t get to spend time with the two of you and now I’m stuck with just Laura? Well, that just ruined my entire day.”

“You don’t have to be rude about it, dude,” LaF frowned.

Laura just giggled, reaching under the table and squeezing at the hand that Carmilla had just placed atop her knee, dark eyes meeting hers just a moment later.

“They were just getting ready to ditch me but… if you’re up for it, maybe you can walk me home?” she asked sweetly.

“My pleasure, cutie. Want me to get you another coffee to go?” Carmilla asked, her hand squeezing just above Laura’s knee, fingertips sliding suggestively along her inner thigh. Laura attempted to playoff the sudden gasp that left her mouth at the sensation and nodded, her eyes drawn to Carmilla’s lips as she smirked, the dark-haired girl knowing the exact effect her touch was having. “Be right back.”

Carmilla leaned in, leaving a soft, slow kiss just below her ear and Laura felt the involuntary shudder pass through her as she did, leaning into it, craving more and sighing in disappointment when the other girl pulled away with a smile.

 _Oh, I am in_ **_so much_ ** _trouble…_

She turned, her eyes staying glued to her girlfriend as she stood and made her way towards the counter, the slight sway of her hips and the way her jeans hugged them so perfect and utterly captivating to the tiny brunette. Shaking her head at her incredibly predictable behavior, she smiled softly, noticing Carmilla glance over her shoulder towards their table just then, sending her a quick wink.

“Oh my god. You guys **finally** did it, didn’t you?” LaF cried, pulling her attention back to the table, along with half the café’s, and Laura felt the tips of her ears go red and her lips involuntarily curve into a bashful smile. She lifted her mug to her mouth, draining the last of her coffee and attempting to hide it but LaF saw right through her. “Ugh, thank god! Seriously, all that sexual tension was unhealthy, Frosh.”

“Shut up, LaF,” she shot back, only making her short-haired friend laugh harder.

“Really, LaFontaine, let’s not tease the poor girl,” Perry said, though the smile on her face indicated even she wasn’t that upset about the taunting.

“This is fantastic. So that’s why you’re all smiling like a lunatic and consuming more sugar than any human should. You’re trying to keep your strength up.”

“LaF…”

“Okay, no but in all seriousness, it wasn’t like a Sleeping Beauty situation where all it took was getting you into bed for you to remember?” LaF continued, still smiling widely.

“Do you really want me to go into the nitty gritty details? Because I’ll do it,” Laura warned.

“Doubtful. You can’t see yourself but your cheeks are redder than Perry’s hair right now,” they continued.

“Fine,” Laura said, narrowing her eyes in challenge and swallowing back her own slight embarrassment as she leaned forward onto the table. “No, no memories were jostled loose but my god, LaF, you have no idea.” She watched as LaF’s toothy grin began to dim and pressed on. “I mean what she can do with her fingers, her hands…” The smile all but disappeared as the short-haired ginger’s eyes widened. _Just say it!_ “Her mouth.” She smiled triumphantly as LaF looked like they were about to bolt at any second. _Go for the kill, Hollis._ “By the last time, she had me pinned up against-”

“Per, Laura’s ruining my fun!” LaF cried with a pout making the other two at the table laugh themselves.

“Well played, Laura,” Perry said, her own cheeks taking on the hint of a blush as she stood, pulling LaF up with her. “Enjoy the rest of your afternoon with Carmilla. We’ll talk to you later.”

Laura continued to giggle as she watched them leave, LaF still sulking as Perry aimed them out of the café and down the street.

“What’s so funny?” Carmilla asked, returning to the table with two to-go cups in hand.

“Nothing, just putting LaF in their place,” she said as she stood, wrapping her dark blue wool scarf tightly around her neck before pulling her coat on, making sure to bundle up against the chill she knew was waiting outside. Finally, completely the ensemble with her matching toque, she giggled softly, shaking her head when she noticed Carmilla couldn’t even be bothered to zip up her own jacket.

“About time someone did,” Carmilla said, handing Laura one of the cups and following the smaller girl out of the shop.

The chill that hit her, while not unexpected, still sent a shiver down her spine in protest. Winter was moving in fast and it was only a matter of time before they would have snow covering the ground. She smiled at the thought, excited for the wonder that came with the colder season and contemplating how she and Carmilla would spend it, together. She knew what they’d done in the past but there was absolutely nothing wrong with bringing those old memories to life again and mixing in some new ones.

She turned to the dark-haired girl as they fell in line on the sidewalk, dodging the other pedestrians out for the afternoon, unable to keep the outright giddiness and absolute glee out of her bouncing steps.

“So you’re really skipping out on work stuff this afternoon to spend it with me?” she asked with an eager smile as she wrapped an arm around Carmilla’s waist. While it significantly slowed their pace, was she really about to complain about getting to spend more time with her girlfriend, tucked into her side? No, no she was not.

“I really am,” Carmilla answered, letting her own arm rest across Laura’s shoulders. “So… what do you want to do with the rest of our day? We can go see a movie. Or we can go to the park. Or… oh, we can go to the zoo. You were talking about going this summer and we never made it.”

“Well… actually, I did have something in mind for later. I was wondering…” she trailed off, suddenly feeling anxious and wondering why. It wasn’t likely that Carmilla would reject her offer but…

“Yes?”

“Do you… or would you… um…”

“Are you getting ready to ask me to commit a crime with you or something? I mean, I probably would if you asked nicely but...” Carmilla teased, chuckling when Laura frowned at her. “Come on, cutie, spit it out. You clearly have something on your mind.”

“I was just going to ask… would you like have dinner with me? Tonight?” she finally said, her eyes fervently turning towards Carmilla, taking in the incredulous look on her face.

“Seriously? You were nervous to ask me out to dinner?”

“No, not nervous. But, well, I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere nice and… I don’t know, I was just kind of hoping that we could have a fancy night out and… ugh, fine, you still make me nervous! You know this!”

“Come on cupcake, I think you can safely ask me to have dinner with you without the fear of rejection. I mean, you ate **me** for fourth meal last night,” Carmilla teased, chuckling harder when Laura’s blush went full blown.

“Carm!”

“I’m just making a valid point here. No need to get squeaky,” she said, still smiling and wrapping her arm tighter around the smaller girl as a particularly strong gust of wind blew across their faces. “And, yes, I would love to have dinner with you, Laura.”

The smaller girl smiled back at her, their pace slowing even further as Carmilla leaned over and brought their lips together, both holding a little tighter to one another as their mouths lingered.

* * *

She’d researched the restaurant she’d picked earlier that day in the hopes that it was one they hadn’t already been to. It was a little newer and swankier than their normal haunts, it seemed, and for that night, somewhere different was definitely her goal. Again, not that there was anything wrong with frequenting the places they used to go together. In fact, she loved that every time they ended up at an old stand-by or a favorite, it usually resulted in hearing another story about their life together. But as eager as she was to hear more of those stories, she was just as eager for them to keep building new memories. That’s what they’d done before the accident. There was no reason for them to stop now.

“This place is nice, cupcake,” Carmilla said, glancing around as they were seated at their very secluded table in the back, the candle in between them making her eyes sparkle just so. “You know, we’d talked about coming here not too long ago but we wanted to wait for a special occasion.”

“Well, then I think tonight is the perfect night for that,” Laura said, smiling softly at her girlfriend over the top of her menu.

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Well, this is a pretty special occasion,” she answered, her tone teasing and flirtatious as she reached across the table, lacing her fingers with the older girl’s. “I mean, you’re here. And I’m here. And no one’s in a cast or injured. I’m working again and you’ve got that big photoshoot coming up that’s going to be spectacular. And… we’re together, after everything that’s happened. I’m just… I’m really happy.”

“You’re right,” Carmilla said, leaning forward as she pulled their joined hands up, pressing a soft kiss against Laura’s knuckles before setting them back down again, her gaze never straying, eyes soft. “This is a very special occasion, Laura.”

“Well, I just… I want to enjoy our time together before your shoot. I… you know, I want to support you, but I hate that you’re going to be gone for a whole week,” she said, frowning slightly.

“I’m honestly not looking forward to it myself, but… I mean, we still have a few days together before I go. So we still have time to… enjoy,” Carmilla said, a small smirk twitching at the corners of her mouth.

“Enjoy, huh? And what, exactly, are we **enjoying**?”

“Whatever you want, creampuff.”

“That seems pretty broad.”

“Well, I aim to please.”

 _And boy do you ever,_ she thought, blushing slightly and looking away from those teasing dark eyes as their server arrived. She watched as Carmilla chose a bottle from the wine list, smiling softly and nodding when the dark-haired girl turned towards her, asking if her choice was acceptable. It seemed that at least some of those fancy manners Lilita had insisted upon had stuck with the older girl, and despite the fact that Carmilla instinctively rebelled against anything having to do with her mother, Laura couldn’t help but find the chivalry and attentiveness to be so incredibly charming.

“You know, if we ever go somewhere that has an extensive and fancy selection of hot chocolates, I’ll choose for us,” Laura teased after their server had once again left their table.

“I expect something incredibly delicious, cupcake,” Carmilla said, reaching for Laura’s hand once more, apparently unwilling to go without contact for any longer than necessary. She giggled once, squeezing their hands together before looking around the restaurant, taking in all the details. She found she’d been doing that a lot lately, trying to remember everything she could whenever she encountered something new. She couldn’t remember it being a habit she’d kept before, but now…

The ivy climbing along the cream colored walls, the hanging chandeliers, softly lit to keep the ambiance, the heavy mahogany chairs surrounding all the tables covered with fine linens, spaced far enough apart that you could enjoy the company of the person you were with, the soft music playing unseen from above. But, as beautiful as it all was, it didn’t compare to the girl sitting across from her, smiling softly.

“What’s that smile for?”

“No reason. I just enjoy watching you.” Laura felt the blush subtly hit her cheeks but she didn’t look away. She knew exactly what that felt like, watching someone and being completely enchanted by everything they did. Or more specifically, watching Carmilla.

“So…” she started, smiling more when she felt Carmilla’s thumb gently brush across hers twice. “You’re really okay that we came here tonight, right? Like, you’re not disappointed that we didn’t save it for like, I don’t know… an anniversary or something?”

“No, not at all, cutie. I didn’t mean anything when I said we were waiting for a certain night. I just… we really had talked about coming here at some point, we were just holding off for a ‘special occasion.’ But, honestly, I’ve learned a few things over the last couple of months…” Carmilla said, glancing down at their hands, her eyes soft.

“What’s that?”

“That any night I have with you is special, Laura.” Her eyes moved back to meet the smaller girl’s, holding her gaze, the moment heavy, and Laura swallowed hard at the notion. “That doesn’t mean that I didn’t appreciate all the times I got to spend with you before, because I did. I still value those years. But now…”

“I get it,” Laura said when it seemed Carmilla didn’t know what else to say and the dark-haired girl smiled at her in gratitude. “When you think you’ve lost someone, it’s scary. And you’ve had a pretty big scare this year.”

“So have you. I mean, not in the same way, obviously, because if I hadn’t pushed, you wouldn’t have been any the wiser about us. But it’s still scary I’m sure, losing all that time.”

“It is. But you never pushed, Carm. You tried. And… I’m so grateful that you did because… I wasn’t lying a few minutes ago. I am **so** happy. And, I think, you are too.” She smiled when Carmilla simply nodded, words not enough to do it justice. “So, let’s enjoy tonight. Together.”

“I can handle that,” Carmilla said, pulling back just the slightest as their server returned with their wine and quickly took their orders. “You know, this place… it actually kind of reminds me of another restaurant I took you to, years ago.” She paused, laughing softly to herself. “It was this place Lawrence and Betty recommended. I think it was actually where Xena proposed, which made me want to heave, but you wanted to try it because Betty had talked up the crème brûlée so much that you were practically salivating as she was describing it.”

“Me and my enormous sweet tooth.”

“You raved about it for weeks afterwards,” Carmilla chuckled. “This place… I don’t know, maybe it’s the décor or the lighting but, it just reminds me of that night.”

“Was it a special night?”

“It was a celebration of sorts, yes.”

“What were we celebrating?” Laura asked, her tone soft and curious.

* * *

**_Three Years And Three Months Earlier_ **

“Cheers,” Carmilla said, holding up her almost empty glass of mid-level champagne with a smile, her lips turning up even further as Laura raised her own, clinking the crystal together as the younger girl’s cheeks dusted slightly pink. “I am so proud of you, cupcake.”

“Carm, we’ve already cheers’d like five times. And it’s just a job. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s a huge deal. You’ve been working your ass off for the Silas Times. You deserve this, Laura.”

“Most people don’t have this kind of luck though, Carm,” she argued, shaking her head.

“It’s not luck when you earn it, cutie.”

The new job in question was for a different and much larger paper, one where Laura’s work would be seen by a much bigger audience. The smaller girl hadn’t even thought about moving on from the Silas Times, honestly. She was happy there. She got to write and report on so many different stories, she loved her peers and her editor, Helen, and her editor loved her. In fact, her editor loved her so much that when the older woman had invited her and Carmilla to a small party she was having, Laura didn’t give it a second thought. But that was where she’d met her new boss, the editor of The Capital Daily. Apparently, Laura’s old boss had been talking her up over the last few months, knowing exactly what kind of potential the tiny journalist had. Three weeks later, when Carmilla had come home from a shoot, the younger girl greeted her excitedly with a glass of wine and news of a job offer she never even knew existed.

“I’ll admit, Helen was helpful in making this happen but come on, creampuff, you weren’t going to stay at the Times until the end of days. You’re incredibly talented and it was only a matter of time before another publication came knocking.”

“I’m just happy to try something new,” she said, taking another bite of the still warm and perfectly singed crème brûlée in front of her, moaning once again at the taste.

“Excuse me, are you planning to take me home or the dessert?”

“Can’t I have both?” Laura asked cheekily.

“So, what did your dad say when you called him to tell him the good news?” Carmilla asked, ignoring the victorious smile gracing her girlfriend’s features.

“He was excited for me. I know sometimes he still wishes that I’d move back to Toronto, but… he’s much better about the distance thing than he used to be,” she said, gathering another bite of the rich velvety cream, her spoon gently pinging against the ramekin as she got a little overzealous, shattering the remaining sugary crust atop her dessert.

“I’m sure he misses you, but he’s always supported you, Laura. And he always will.”

“I know,” she said, her tone nostalgic. “He still gets lonely, though, with me so far away.”

“Would you ever… consider going back to Toronto? Like, if you got a writing job there?” Carmilla asked and she immediately cringed as her tone reached her own ears, the overly casual spin she’d added doing nothing to mask either the underlying curiousity or the cautious fear simmering just under the surface.

She had wondered on this possibility when Laura had initially graduated from Silas, but the thought had evaporated as soon as she’d found her job at the Silas Times. Carmilla didn’t really have roots anywhere anymore, but Laura always would. She’d always have a spot at Sherman Hollis’s table and a front row seat in his life. To her, that meant that Toronto was always a possibility but one that admittedly made her a little nervous. Even though Sherman had started to warm up to her over the last year, she still worried he’d never fully approve of her for his daughter, and if Laura moved to Toronto with Carmilla in tow… well, she wasn’t sure how well the older Hollis would receive her. While she wanted Laura to be close to her father, if he was a part of her daily life and still not too keen on their relationship, how she would fare? She didn’t think Laura would ever let him talk her out of them being together but…

_Still, scary thinking about her seeing me through his eyes. Seeing the truth that I’ll never be good enough for her. Seeing that she deserves so much better._

“I… I don’t know,” Laura answered, tipping her head to the side, her eyes curious. “Why would you ask that?”

“Just… because I know you miss him. And, I mean, he’s a huge part of your life,” Carmilla said, looking away, her fingertips dancing up and down the stem of her now empty champagne flute.

“You’re right, I do miss him. And he’ll always be a big part of my life, but… there are other things now. I mean, I know Silas isn’t the most exciting place to live, but it’s home. It’s where my friends are. It’s… it’s where you are.”

“You know, I don’t exactly have an office that I have to report to everyday,” Carmilla chuckled.

“I know, but... this is your home, too, Carm. And even if an incredible offer came up that sent me back, you know I wouldn’t go without you, right? And that I would never even consider it if you weren’t one-hundred percent on board.”

“Yeah, I know. I just… our life together… well, I never want you to not take a chance at something just because of me. Where you go, I go.”

“And, Carm, if you wanted to go somewhere else, you know I’d follow,” Laura said, reaching over and stopping the older girl’s hands from twitching across the table. “Look, I don’t know where we’re going to end up any more than you do. But I know that wherever it is, we’re going together. And no one’s going to stop us. No one’s going to tear us apart.”

She glanced up, the knowing look in Laura’s eyes plain as day.

_She always knows._

“One of these days you’re going to have to tell me how you do that?”

“Do what?” she said, smiling softly.

“Know exactly what I need to hear when I’m starting to get down on myself.”

“I think you already know, Carm. You’re quite the soothsayer yourself.”

“The official Laura-whisperer?” she chuckled and Laura simply nodded, leaning across the table and kissing her softly.

“I love you,” she said as she pulled away, those honey brown eyes holding Carmilla’s gaze, so open and honest.

“I love you too, cutie.”

Laura kissed her once more before settling back in her chair and picking her spoon back up to finish her dessert. Carmilla smiled softly and looked away, her eyes drifting around the dimly lit restaurant, watching the other patrons huddled together over the small tables, each enjoying their own evening out.

It wasn’t their normal scene, as they usually saved places like this for special occasions. But tonight definitely fit that description and she really was so incredibly proud of her girlfriend and all that she’d worked so hard for and accomplished. She turned her attention back to the tiny brunette sitting across from her, noticing Laura was now focused on something else. Turning and looking in the direction Laura was now fixated on she noticed an older couple actually dancing near the center of the restaurant among the other tables, smiling at each other, clearly in love and not caring that all the eyes in the place had curiously turned towards them.

“I want to learn to dance,” Laura said, her eyes longing and never leaving the other couple.

“I’m pretty sure we’ve danced together, Hollis,” she said, grinning softly.

“No, I mean like that,” she said, pointing.

“You want to learn to waltz?” Laura just shrugged and Carmilla smiled harder. “You want me to teach you?”

“You know how to waltz?” Laura asked skeptically, turning her attention back to the dark-haired girl.

“In fact, I do. Kind of or at least I know the basics. I uh…” she trailed off, smiling and chuckling softly as she thought back. “I had an accidental lesson once.”

“How do you have an accidental waltzing lesson?” Laura asked curiously.

“Well, a couple of years ago, there was some stupid, high society event that my mother was forcing Will and I to go to. It was horrible and I hated every second of those awful parties, but Lilita Morgan always made an appearance and her children were expected to be there as well, following along like the good little obedient robots we were projected to be. Anyway, this girl that Will had a crush on was going to be there. She was like super fancy and over the top. And way too high maintenance. Just too much hassle without enough payoff.”

“Was she for Will or you?” Laura asked, her face unimpressed.

“Anyway,” she chuckled, reaching for Laura’s hand across the table, “he wanted to impress this girl and Lilita thought it would be a good idea for him take dance lessons. She wanted him to be the perfect gentleman and to make sure that the stick she’d personally crafted for him was firmly wedged up his ass.” Laura giggled, squeezing their fingers together. “And he agreed because he thought that maybe if he went to the lessons, he could finally get this girl to notice him. So it was a couple of days before the party and Mattie had stopped in for a long weekend to see us. She obviously was not invited since my mother had already made up some lie to all her friends and associates about Mattie going off to Cornell when she left. But she was staying at some horrible little hotel that was just on the other side of town. I went to meet up with her and she asked where Will was because she wanted to see both of us. When I told her he was at a dance lesson, she thought it would be a great idea for us to go watch.”

“And to heckle him?” Laura said with another giggle.

“You know us so well, creampuff. Anyway, I immediately agreed because I could never turn down the chance to make him miserable. So when we showed up at the class, he was so embarrassed and absolutely horrible at it. Two left feet doesn’t even begin to describe how horrendous of a dancer he is. But when we got there, the instructor insisted that we participate. And apparently, I’m a natural.”

“And so humble about it,” Laura said with a smile but Carmilla merely shrugged. “So you really do know how to waltz?”

“I do.”

“So… do you want to get out of here and teach me?” Laura asked, smiling eagerly.

“Seriously, cutie? You want to go home and learn to dance? You wouldn’t rather do something else?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively and making the smaller girl laugh.

“I’ll tell you what. You teach me to dance and I’ll make it worth your while.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Hmm… I’ll make you dinner all week?”

“Pass,” she answered with a grimace. She still hadn’t quite recovered from the spaghetti incident two weeks ago.

“Um… I will help you with scheduling all your photoshoots for the next month.”

“Nice try. But I have someone for that now,” she said smugly.

“I’m so happy you found JP. That’s going to free up so much of your time,” Laura said, her own little prideful smile gracing her lips, but Carmilla merely shrugged it off, waiting for Laura to continue. “Fine. How about…”

Carmilla waited, smirking softly and watching as Laura’s cheeks flushed ever so slightly.

“If you take me home right now and teach me to waltz, I’ll wear nothing but what’s underneath this dress during the lesson.”

“What’s under the dress?” Carmilla asked, her voice dropping just the slightest.

“Well, as you can see, it’s strapless, so…” Laura trailed off, her own lips quirking up at the edges.

“What about the bottom half?”

“The little red lacy pair you like.”

_Oh this just got interesting._

“Deal,” Carmilla smirked, quickly waving down their server for the check.

* * *

**_Present_ **

She followed Carmilla out of the restaurant, smiling her thanks as the older girl held the door for her. It was a beautiful night despite the cold that had descended and she was more than grateful when Carmilla took her hand, her warmth radiating into Laura’s palm.

“So, you were actually starting to get busy yourself, around the time I got that new job?”

“I was. Or at least busy enough. JP was a lifesaver, though. I mean, the guy’s so soft spoken and meek, I wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision when I hired him. But he’s really great at dealing with clients and organizing everything for me. Because of him I was actually able to focus on what I needed to and that’s what got my name out there more, I think.”

“So that night was kind of a double celebration for us, huh?” Laura smiled, squeezing at Carmilla’s hand once before the other girl let go with a smile to make her way to the valet and hand them their ticket.

She glanced around, the street fairly calm this time of night but the soft light from the street lamps casting a beautiful glow along cobblestone in front of her, very reminiscent of a time long gone.

It had been a wonderful night, one that she hoped to never lose. Then again, she didn’t want to lose any of the nights she’d spent with Carmilla since the accident. The older girl was so completely captivating and she wondered again at just how she’d gotten so lucky to have her in her life. Even with her flaws, she was so wonderfully perfect… so kind and caring… so sweet and selfless… so utterly enchanting. Laura felt her stomach flutter, her lips curving into a soft smile as she replayed the last two months, the thoughts of Carmilla making her heart beat faster in her chest.

_I’ve fallen for her so hard. I’m in lo-_

The thought came to her, sudden and a little scary but unsurprising when she really delved into it. She knew it was there, lurking. She’d known it was happening all along. And she knew it was what Carmilla wanted. What they both wanted. But still…

“You okay?” Carmilla’s voice pulled her attention back, her dark eyes curious.

“Yeah,” Laura answered, swallowing hard and schooling her expression. As much as she hated it, she needed more time. Even if she thought she was there, she needed to be **absolutely and completely sure**. She could not break Carmilla’s heart again if she was wrong and just confused by the new and intense infatuation she felt for the older girl. So, instead of opening up that door, she pulled her coat tighter around herself, taking the easy way out. “Just chilly.”

“The car should be here soon. Do you want to wait inside?”

“No, it’s fine. Even with the cold, it’s kind of nice out here,” she said, looking around once again, taking in not only the sights but the soft sound of music floating around them. Looking back, she realized the restaurant had the same tune inside when they’d left, it’s melody familiar and making her smile for some reason that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. Maybe she’d heard it before? Maybe the distinct melody reminded her of another song or another time that she just couldn’t grasp onto at the moment? Regardless, she found herself nodding her head along to the soft track, a barely noticeable sway grabbing onto her hips. She turned back towards Carmilla, noticing the dark-haired girl staring at her, her eyes somehow both soft and intense at the same time.

“What?” She watched her girlfriend’s lips curve into a soft smile as she stepped forward, holding her hand out.

“Dance with me?”

Laura simply smiled and took the hand Carmilla was offering, letting the older girl pull her in and slide her arm around Laura’s waist. It didn’t matter that they were standing outside in the cold. It didn’t matter that a few passersby stared at them in confusion. It didn’t matter that the valet had just pulled up with the car, waiting for them.

None of it mattered as they waltzed.

* * *

She collapsed back onto the floor, Laura’s head still firmly nestled between her thighs, both girls sweaty and breathless.

They’d made it upstairs, after remembering to actually press the button for their floor once in the elevator, with Carmilla only losing her jacket. But they were barely even into the house before Laura’s hands had found the hem of her dress, dragging it up her thighs, the younger girl’s eagerness contagious and potent. The door had just closed when Laura had trapped her against the wall next to it, dress gone, hands roaming, and the smaller girl’s mouth making it’s way down her throat, teeth teasing just right. Less than a minute later, with her underwear hanging around one ankle and a leg hitched up over Laura’s hip, the younger girl’s nimble fingers had found their way inside of her, any further warm up entirely unnecessary as she was pretty sure she’d ruined said underwear before they’d even parked the car. And with some incredible precision and perfect pacing, Laura had the older girl falling apart in record time. And as soon as she’d started to recover, Laura had smiled wickedly and slithered down the front of her body, throwing that same hovering leg over her shoulder, lips teasing around her hip bones and along her thighs before finding Carmilla’s clit and making the older girl shiver with another intense orgasm just a few minutes later. A trail of clothing had littered the kitchen and into the living room as they’d stumbled onto the rug in front of the coffee table, the couch seeming too far away to wait. And now, after having had their way with each other once more, Carmilla was wondering how in the hell she’d gone almost three months without the tiny brunette naked against her.

“Holy hell, cupcake,” she moaned, chuckling softly and loosening her grip from Laura’s now messy hair, her fingertips dancing across her temples and down to cup her cheeks. Laura just smiled up at her, so beautiful and damn it, how did she love this incredible girl so much without her heart exploding. “Come here.” She pulled slightly, her thumb ghosting across those amazing, shining lips, chuckling softly as Laura crawled up from where she was lying on the floor, the tiny brunette leaving nips here and there as she made her way up Carmilla’s form, finally collapsing on top of her with a giggle.

Their lips met softly, Carmilla sighing quietly and smiling up at the brunette staring down at her, those gorgeous brown eyes positively beaming in the soft moonlight filtering through the curtains across the room.

_Fuck, she is so beautiful._

“You really are enjoying doing that, huh, creampuff?”

“You’re the one who was making jokes about fourth meal earlier.”

Carmilla let out a quiet laugh and, using possibly the last ounce of strength she had, stretched for the blanket hanging off the club chair above them, the air in the house quickly cooling their overheated skin.

“We are not sleeping here on the floor,” Laura argued as she did, pushing herself up onto her elbows, her head tilting to the side.

“I’ve slept in worse conditions,” Carmilla grumbled, adjusting the pillow that had conveniently fallen with the blanket below her head, her eyes already starting to close. “And once again, you’ve exhausted me, cutie.”

“Well, we can lay here for a minute but we’re not doing that tonight,” Laura said, rolling to her side and collapsing next to her. “As hot as it is having my way with you wherever, we’re not eighteen anymore and my back’s going to disagree in about half an hour.”

“Fine, we’ll lie here for a few minutes and then you can carry me back and tuck me in,” Carmilla said, making Laura giggle as they rolled onto their sides, Laura pressed against her back, the blanket softly settling over them.

She felt Laura’s lips tickling at her neck, the younger girl pulling her closer before burying her face in the same spot and sighing softly. She smiled at the sensation, so familiar despite its newness to Laura. Then again, it seemed that there were quite a few familiar sensations popping up recently and she chuckled softly at the thought.

“What’s so funny up there?”

“I don’t know how to put this delicately, cupcake, but your muscle memory **definitely** didn’t suffer from the accident,” Carmilla moaned softly, still attempting to get her wits about her.

Laura simply giggled again, her face still buried at the back of Carmilla’s neck, the moment of comfortable silence that followed overtaking them. Carmilla let the fingers of one hand trace random patterns across the arm Laura had wrapped around her, her other hand drawing the same random pattern on the smaller girl’s bare hip beneath the blanket.

 _God, I have missed this,_ she thought, sighing contently and pressing herself back further against the younger girl. Not that she had any complaints about them snuggling up in their pajamas. But there was just something about feeling Laura against her with no barriers, both of them sated and sleepy, limbs so enmeshed she couldn’t tell where she ended and Laura began.

 _Fucking sap,_ she thought with a smile.

“I… I know we already talked about it at dinner but it really is going to suck not having you here next week,” Laura said a moment later, her lips moving to leave a line of soft kisses along Carmilla’s shoulder blades.

“I know. I’m not stoked about it either but… well, it’s better than being away from you right before Christmas.” And that was the truth.

“I know. I just… things are **so** good with us right now.”

“That’s the sex talking, cutie.”

“No, it’s not! I mean, yeah, okay, the sex is fantastic and I never want to stop,” she said and Carmilla couldn’t help but laugh. “But… well, you know that’s not all I’m saying, right?”

“I do,” she said, rolling over, pressing the smaller girl against the floor, and resting her ear upon Laura’s chest, taking in the strong heartbeat echoing there.

_That has to be the most beautiful sound in the world._

She allowed her hand to travel up Laura’s torso, slowly, mapping skin that she was already incredibly familiar with and the marks that were a little newer.

“It’s kind of ugly, isn’t it?” Laura asked quietly as Carmilla’s fingertips moved along the smooth scar running down the center of her chest.

Of course, Carmilla had seen the scar before. She’d never admit it but during those first few days after Laura came home from the hospital, when she still needed help with changing her bandages, Carmilla had subtly memorized every inch of it. Laying there, running her fingers along it now, it was different but it was still a part of Laura.

“It’s not ugly. Every inch of you beautiful. This is just a new part. But… it means you’re here. It means you survived.”

_It means I didn’t lose you completely._

She let the silence linger between them again, listening as Laura’s heart sped up just the tiniest bit at that moment before coming back down to its normal pace.

“I’m really going to miss you, Carm,” she said, her fingers ghosting across her back over and over.

“You know I’m going to miss you too, cupcake. But…” she trailed off, turning her head and letting her lips tickle along Laura’s chest just above her breast. “We’ll talk and text and I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I really don’t think that’s fast enough,” Laura sighed, her fingers threading through dark hair.

Carmilla smiled to herself against Laura’s skin. She recognized this behavior, the similarities from when they first started getting closer seven years ago almost overwhelming. And she understood. It was natural that Laura would find herself feeling the need to be close and spend time together, just the two of them. It was the beginning of a relationship for the smaller girl. And while Carmilla could appreciate that, she had to be careful. She wasn’t in that space anymore and hadn’t been for a very long time. The girl in her arms was the love of her life and she’d known that to be a fact for years. That didn’t mean she didn’t have the desire to be close and spend time together. But it meant something very different for her than it did for Laura and the last thing she wanted to do was to scare the younger girl off with the intensity of her feelings.

“Well, just think of it this way, cutie. When I get back, we’ll have the rest of the month together. And then the holidays. And then the start of a new year.”

“Lots of new starts lately,” Laura sighed, seeming to enjoy the soft attention Carmilla’s mouth was paying to skin.

“Mmm, so it would seem.”

Another moment of silence enveloped them, Carmilla completely content to continue her rapt attention, her free hand softly trekking along Laura’s side, enjoying the closeness and the feel of the smaller girl against her lips. But, apparently, the moment wasn’t as relaxing for the tiny brunette.

“So… speaking of new stuff… can I ask you something?” she started nervously.

“Of course.”

“Well… now that we’re… you know, sleeping together again…”

She waited through the long pause, honestly having no idea where this question was going but sensing Laura’s worry, looked up, her eyes softening at the sight of the younger girl nervously biting her bottom lip.

“Laura?”

“I just… I just wondered… is it okay?”

“Huh?”

“Like, is it different?”

“Is what different, cutie?”

“You know…” she said, her gaze gesturing down at their still intertwined limbs.

“Laura, you can’t seriously be worried about that,” Carmilla said, unable to keep the smile from her face or the chuckle from leaving her mouth.

“Why not? You were worried that things would be different between us,” she argued.

“You’re right, I was. And I was an idiot because… you’re still you,” Carmilla said, rolling on top of the tiny brunette, resting her chin in the space between Laura’s breasts, smiling softly at her.

“Fine, but I still don’t remember,” she continued, one hand slowly twirling at a lock of soft black hair, her cheeks heating up just enough for Carmilla to see the slight tint of pink in the mostly darkened room. “So… if I’m doing something wrong or not doing something or… I don’t know. Just… can you tell me?”

Carmilla chuckled once more, unable to help herself, the girl in front of her now, so nervous and timid, a stark contrast to the girl who not ten minutes ago had been planted firmly between her legs, eyes playful and mischievous as she’d gazed up her body, watching in rapture as the dark-haired girl had fallen off the edge into an incredible orgasm.

She cut herself off, though, the sad look in Laura’s eyes indicating that a laugh at that moment had most certainly been the wrong response, and leaned forward, her lips finding the space between Laura’s breasts, tickling along.

“Laura, did you already forget what I just said about your muscle memory?” She cocked her head just so, watching the pout slowly slip from Laura’s face before turning her attention back to the task at hand. “How about this? You stop worrying about what we did in the past and just enjoy the here and now. And in exchange, I promise if there is something that I desperately want or need from you, I will tell you.” She looked up, her gaze meeting Laura’s but her mouth not stopping the trail it was slowly leaving across Laura’s chest. The tiny brunette’s eyes softened as she nodded with a small smile.

“Okay,” she said as she threaded her fingers into Carmilla’s hair.

“Good. Now, how about we stop worrying about… everything and finish enjoying our night together,” she said, her lips finding the freckle she was so fond of at the bottom of Laura’s left breast, teasing along as she felt the smaller girl’s fingers tighten in her hair, a soft sigh escaping the swollen lips above her. She smirked softly but didn’t stop her lips from continuing their journey.

“Um… Carm?” She smiled again at the sudden breathlessness in Laura’s voice.

“Yes?”

“What… what are you doing?” she hiccupped, her legs tightening around Carmilla’s hips.

“I think I’m enjoying the here and now,” she groaned, her mouth closing around a nipple, Laura releasing her own moan at the sensation.

“That’s… that’s a really good idea,” Laura sighed again, the muscles beneath her abdomen involuntary jumping once as the dark-haired girl added her tongue the mix.

“Sorry, cupcake, I’ve just **really** missed these,” she said, her mouth moving to Laura’s other breast and giving it the same attention.

“Well, who am I to deprive you? By all means, please make up for lost time,” she said, making Carmilla chuckle around the sensitive skin in her mouth, the vibration causing another uncontrollable twitch to run through the lithe body beneath her.

“Well, since you so kindly offered…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	36. That Stole the Only Girl I Loved and Drowned Her Deep Inside of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if someone doesn't realize it, who says history doesn’t repeat itself… over and over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (movie) anniversary, Creampuffs!
> 
> Sorry, they're just getting longer.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

**_Two Years and Nine Months Earlier_ **

“What fucking box did we fucking pack the fucking thing in?” Carmilla grumbled as she kicked at the nearest cardboard container in frustration, groaning when it didn’t budge, the ache resonating through her foot and up her leg. Rolling her eyes, she noted the side was labeled ‘Books’ and figured it was probably not her smartest moment of the day. Then again, the day wasn’t over, so she had plenty of time to make lots of other bad decisions. And if she didn’t get some fuel in her soon, it was very likely that there would be a vast array of them.

The meager contents of their refrigerator had left her with little options as far as something to eat for dinner, but she was starving, having subjected herself to manual labor for the better part of the day, and if the situation wasn’t rectified in the next twenty minutes or so, she would not be responsible for her actions. Who knew something as simple as a goddamned grilled cheese would be so goddamn difficult to put together.

_Well, without a pan… yeah._

Looking around their new apartment, she growled in frustration once again, rubbing at the back of her neck and wondering how in the hell she’d gotten herself into this situation. But with Laura out of town on her biggest assignment yet for the Daily, it was up to her to try and get their new home in at least somewhat presentable condition. Kirsch and Mel had helped her unload everything the day before after she’d threatened Kirsch with significant bodily harm in order to use his truck, but were both too busy to help any further, Mel starry eyed, enamored, and spending every free moment with her girlfriend, Charlotte, and Kirsch… well, Kirsch was useless when it came to unpacking. Or packing. Or putting things away. Or really anything having to do with being orderly. Shiny things were just too much of a distraction and if the sun was high enough, that could literally be any object with a reflective surface. And she really didn’t feel like having to babysit today too.

 _Never thought I’d want Susie Homemaker’s help so bad,_ she thought, but, even LaF and Perry were unavailable, the two out of town, taking advantage of LaF’s students being on March break.

But she could do this. She didn’t need to rely on their friends to take care of settling into their new place.

_If I could just find the goddamn pans!_

She tore into another box labeled ‘Kitchen’, wondering how in the hell they’d accumulated so much stuff in the last few years, and where in the hell they were going to put everything in their new apartment.

The move had been sudden, but neither one of them could take another day living next door to the family with dozens of screaming children constantly roaming the halls, day and night, banging on their door and running away laughing like it was a game. They were annoying and vile little creatures, and on more than one occasion, Carmilla had come up on the losing end of a disgusting, sticky substance playfully left on their door handle while letting herself into their place after a long day of work. They’d been on the lookout for anything that could possibly replace the home from hell and it was completely out of the blue when this new place became available. But, with the obviously elderly population that had been giving her dirty looks for the last two days, she could guess why the apartment was suddenly vacant.

Her search was once again fruitless, the box she’d just torn into holding their dishes and cutlery, and her frustration was quickly tipping into dangerous territory.

“Fucking stupid… fucking… fuck!” she growled through clenched teeth, standing and looking around her for any other boxes labeled ‘Kitchen’. It had been Laura’s idea to actually put the room name on each box, which Carmilla initially thought was just a touch neurotic, but now… now she was thinking they should’ve listened to Perry’s advice and made packing slips and numbered everything accordingly.

Her phone suddenly rang from somewhere amidst the clutter within the new living room, pulling her away from her search, its startling volume loud and unexpected in the stagnant silence of the apartment.

“Fuck! Where the fuck is my fucking… ah!” she grumbled, hastily scrambling over a few boxes to grab at the device once she’d caught sight of it, and smiling for possibly the first and last time that day when Laura’s name flashed across the screen.

“Hey, cupcake,” she said, attempting to kick off the handles from the plastic trash bag that they’d stashed their towels in, which had somehow grabbed ahold of her boot.

“Hi! Hey! Hi!”

The rapid fire greeting immediately threw her and she gave up her struggle, sitting down on a nearby box that looked sturdy enough to hold her weight, her focus shifting to the girl on the other side of the phone.

“What’s wrong, cutie?”

“Why do you think something’s wrong?” she asked, the pitch in her voice rising with each word.

“Because you’re throwing out greetings like they’re going out of style and getting squeaky.”

“That obvious, huh?”

“Just to me,” Carmilla said, smiling at the calmer tone from her girlfriend. “So, what’s up?”

“Nothing, I just… I just miss you. This has been the longest week ever!”

“Laura, you’ve only been gone for three days,” Carmilla chuckled.

“And it’s been the longest three days of my life!” she sighed dramatically and Carmilla checked her laugh just in time. A snicker now would only make Laura frustrated with her as well. She  knew, she’d had years of experience. And dealing with Laura being mad at her wasn’t something she was interested in adding to her to-do list. It was long enough already.

“Well, I’m deeply sorry for your pain,” she said, attempting her best to sound like she sincerely meant it.

“You’re making fun of me!” the smaller girl cried.

_Damn, so close._

“I’m not making fun of you, Laura,” she said, smiling softly. “I just… I think you might be slightly over-exaggerating.”

“So you don’t miss me?” she asked, the pout evident in her tone.

“Of course I miss you. I missed you the second I dropped you off at the airport. But… well, this is something we’re going to have to deal with from time to time. This is part of your job, we knew this when you took it.”

“I know. And I’m sorry, I know I’m being over the top. I mean, I was so excited to get this assignment. It’s huge and honestly, I still can’t believe they let me have it, but… well, I’m here. And you’re there. And… it’s hard.”

“Cupcake, this isn’t the first time we’ve been apart,” she argued, trying to take the practical route.

“It’s the first time we’ve been apart in years, though, Carm! The last time I slept without you next to me was the Christmas before you graduated when I went to my dad’s. And that was only for four days. Not for a whole week!”

“Well, think about it this way. When you wake up tomorrow, it will be day four. Which means you’re over the halfway point. And that means you’ll be home very soon,” she countered, still thinking the sensible path would be the best way to quiet the tiny brunette’s obvious frustration.

“How are you so calm and collected about this?”

She shook her head, the hurt in Laura’s voice clear and palpable, and, though she really did think Laura was taking this a little too far, she wanted that sadness gone immediately.

“I’m not calm and collected. But I am incredibly proud of you for being there. This is huge for you, Laura, and you’ve worked really hard to earn it. Do I wish you were here? Of course I do. Do I miss you? So much. But, cutie, I know that in just a few days, you’ll be back home and back with me. And I’m counting down the hours and really taking that whole ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ adage to another level.” She heard the small giggle Laura let escape and smiled softly, hoping the mini-crisis had been derailed. “Seriously, my heart is on a whole new level of fonder when it comes to you, Laura Hollis.”

“Thanks, Carm,” Laura sighed into the phone. “I… I know I’m being silly and that this isn’t a life or death situation. It’s just… it’s harder than I thought it was going to be.”

“I get that. But, we’ll be alright. And when you get home, we’ll spend the whole weekend together, just the two of us, I promise. It’s supposed to be cold again so we can curl up with a blanket, some hot chocolate, and watch whatever you want.”

“That or we’ll be at each other’s throats over setting up the new place. I hate that I had to go research this article and left you with the mess,” Laura said, her tone despondent again.

“It’s not a mess,” Carmilla said, looking at the complete chaos around her, wrinkling her nose as she really took it in, realizing just how much she had left to do. “I’ve got everything completely under control. Just a few more boxes to unpack.”

_One little white lie won’t hurt her._

“You’re a terrible liar,” she giggled and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle herself.

“Just when I’m trying to lie to you. So… okay, yeah, I still have a lot to go through but you don’t need to worry about it. Focus on your interviews for tomorrow. I’m **sure** there’ll still be plenty to do when you get back.”

“I’m sure there will,” she giggled again. “Okay, well, I do have some more research to do before one of my sessions tomorrow, but… I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, Hollis. Go get some work done. I’m… going to go try and find the fucking toaster.”

_Fuck the grilled cheese._

“Bye, Carm,” she said softly, the smile in her voice obvious.

She ended the call and smiled one last time, unable to fight the chuckle that rumbled out of her at the over-exaggerated panic exuding from her girlfriend. They’d discussed the travel this job would require for hours on end, and it seemed that each conversation came to the same conclusion: that regardless of how much time they’d have to spend apart, they would support one another and not let the miles and miles of distance get the best of them. They’d work through it and be just fine on the other side. Apparently, Laura was going to need a few more reminders of that, but Carmilla was happy to provide them for as long as she needed.

Nodding to herself at the minor victory, she stood from the cardboard box she’d made into a chair, tossing her phone onto the couch to get it out of the way, and, of course, it bounced just right, falling to the floor, and sliding beneath the sofa’s edge, snapping that victory streak faster than she could blink.

“Fuck,” she grumbled once again, her hands on her hips, huffing one last time before she got back to work.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“I miss you,” Laura sighed quietly into the phone and Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle.

_They weren’t fucking lying when they said history repeats itself._

“I miss you too, Laura. But just a couple more days and I’ll be home,” she said as she haphazardly threw the last of her dirty t-shirts into her duffle, shoving the material into the corner, the bag looking like it was ready to burst at the seams. She swore she didn’t pack that many things, but they’d somehow multiplied over the last five days.

She quickly glanced around the room to make sure that she had everything she needed and that nothing was getting left behind, when the photo on the nightstand caught her eye, making her swallow down all the feelings that came along with it. Keeping her phone to her ear, she walked towards the bed and sat down at the edge, gingerly grabbing onto the frame and gazing at it.

She’d tried not to read into it when she’d unzipped her bag that first night and saw the picture of her and Laura, snuggled up together, front and center amongst her things. She’d tried not to let her heart beat a little faster. She’d tried not to let herself feel the crushing ache. But it had happened just the same.

And it wasn’t even the picture that was the problem. In fact, it was one that she’d honestly forgotten about, having not seen it in years. The two of them were sitting on the steps of LaF and Perry’s back porch, Laura on the seat behind her, arms and legs wrapped around her as they laughed at whatever was going on further out in the yard, unseen.

_Probably Kirsch and Lawrence fighting about something._

No, it wasn’t the actual photo that had gotten under her skin. It was the fact that she didn’t pack the picture. Laura did. Laura put something in her suitcase to remind her of the two of them while she was away.

_Just like she always did every time I used to leave town. Just like before the accident._

Laura had called her the first night she was there, not long after she’d finally pulled herself together, and she’d played off the roughness in her voice as just getting used to the colder weather, and definitely not because she’d been fighting off tears.

“Did you get to your hotel yet?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Did you unpack yet?”

“Not really my style to make my hotel room homey for the next week, cutie.”

“So, you haven’t looked in your bag?”

_Shit._

“Well, I uh… I did dig through it for my phone charger.”

“Oh?” Carmilla heard the delighted teasing in her voice. “Did you find anything interesting?”

“I found the picture, Laura,” she said, trying to keep her own tone as even as possible.

“Yay! I know it’s like super cheesy and you’re only gone for a week, but I just… I wanted you to have something from home. Something of us.”

“I appreciate that, really,” Carmilla said, trying with all her might to hold it together and not fall apart again, reminding herself over and over that the photo didn’t mean anything. Laura was simply being thoughtful and she wanted Carmilla to feel comfortable while she was away. That was all.

She’d kept herself in check until they’d hung up that night and she found herself sitting on the side of the bed, head in her hands, hating that she’d let it get the best of her. It wasn’t even that she had hope of Laura recovering her memory. At least, not any longer. That ship had sailed as far as she was concerned. The problem was, even with that wishful thinking behind her, she **hated** that she didn’t understand. Why had Laura only forgotten her? Why was she the only blank space in the tiny brunette’s mind? Why-

“Carm? Are you still there?” The worry in the younger girl’s voice immediately caught her attention, bringing her back to the current phone conversation, where she should’ve been focused all along.

“Uh… yeah, sorry,” she said, shaking her head to clear the hurt.

“If… if you’re busy… I mean, I don’t want to bother you,” she said, her voice unsure.

“You’re not bothering me, Laura. That’s not it at all. Things have just been a little hectic and I just… ugh, I’m sorry, you know what, I am kind of busy right now,” Carmilla said, standing up and packing the picture away in her bag before struggling to zip it.

She peered across the room, attempting to make out the numbers on the clock atop the nightstand, and blew out a frustrated huff as she realized she was cutting it far too close.

“Oh. Right. I’m sorry,” Laura said quietly.

“No. You don’t need to be sorry, I just… it’s been a crazy couple of days. This was a lot more work than I was expecting and I’m just trying to keep my head wrapped around everything so nothing gets missed,” she said, pulling her bag onto her shoulder and hefting her equipment up as she made her way towards the door.

“Yeah… I get it. Well, I’ll let you go. Maybe… maybe we can talk tomorrow?” she asked, her voice hopeful but still small, and it broke Carmilla’s heart.

“We’ll definitely talk tomorrow, Laura. I promise,” she quickly reassured her, leaving no room for doubt.

“Okay. Um… bye.”

“Bye, cutie,” she said, ending the call and pocketing her phone as she left her hotel room. She quickly made her way down the hall, foregoing the elevator when she saw it closing a few steps away, and heading for the stairwell. While cardio was definitely not her first choice in exertion, she’d be damned if she was going to to be late.

She’d been working her ass off over the last couple of days, pushing to get through the shoot as quickly as possible, going pretty much non-stop on no sleep and copious amounts of coffee, and hoping like hell it would pay off. And early that morning, she was pleased to discover that she only had a few final shots to capture before calling it a wrap. She was exhausted but happy, the client was happy, it was a win-win. And now, she could relax and celebrate.

_Well, in a few hours at least._

Fifteen minutes later, she was settled into the worn cloth seats in the back of a cab, watching the scenery as she quickly passed it. There was already snow on the ground, not surprising as she was a few hours north of home, but, as beautiful as it was, it only made her miss her girlfriend that much more. Laura would’ve loved to lay eyes on the winter wonderland surrounding her and she knew that for a fact considering how the tiny brunette kept asking for more pictures of the gorgeous countryside, softly blanketed with some of the fluffiest snow she’d ever seen. She wondered, briefly, what she actually took more pictures of over the last few days: the shoot for the client or the impromptu requests from Laura.

She smiled at the thought, unsurprised by just how easily Laura was able to wrap her around her little finger. For anyone else, she would’ve vehemently objected. But, for the spunky brunette…

_No different than before._

Though she missed her desperately, she found that they’d easily fallen into a rhythm after that first night with Laura texting her random things that came to mind throughout the day and Carmilla teasing her for them, most likely making the smaller girl blush some hundreds of miles away. They ended each night with a call where she would get the play-by-play of Laura’s day, and she’d quickly gloss over the details of her own until the younger girl eventually wore her down with question upon question to get something more in depth. It really wasn’t all that dissimilar to how they used to spend their time apart. In fact, minus the ‘I love you’s’, it was exactly the same, but, for obvious reasons, she hadn’t prepared for that. She figured that they’d find a new way to do things, and yet, it seemed that old habits really did die hard, even when one person has no idea that those habits had ever even existed.

_She does like her routine, though._

Understandably, neither one of them had been looking forward to the trip and they’d spent the last four days before her flight practically attached at the hip. Not that she minded. It was almost like they were kind of making up for that first month after the hospital when they’d maintained a constant distance, both physically and emotionally. And all of that time spent together pre-trip was… **so** amazing. It was fun and light and comfortable. It was everything they’d once had all those years ago when they’d first started for fall for each other, which should’ve had her over the moon. The problem was, even though she knew exactly where she wanted to be in this relationship, she couldn’t deny the worry that all this newness would wear thin for Laura and soon leave her back in that limbo spot of ‘will they or won’t they.’

She knew Laura had feelings for her, but that didn’t mean that after the shine wore off those feelings would be the same, and she braced herself for whatever was to come. The pendulum swung back and forth over her head as she eagerly and fearfully waited for the final decision. Maybe this time it wouldn’t work out. Laura might decide that after everything, this just wasn’t what she wanted anymore. She might leave Carmilla heartbroken all over again and she wondered just how many times she could actually pick up the shattered pieces and attempt to put them back together. On the other hand, maybe they’d find a way back to each other. Maybe she could actually win the younger girl’s heart all over again. Maybe they would fall in love once more and have their happily ever after.

She hoped desperately with everything she had that it would be the latter option. But something sitting in the back of her mind kept her from jumping the gun into that terrifying territory. Something that had been bothering her from the moment she saw Laura awake in that hospital bed three months earlier, the confusion heavy in those soft brown eyes.

 **_Why_ ** _is it just me? Why am I_ **_all_ ** _that she lost?_

She’d pondered and pondered the question, but as of yet, hadn’t come up with an answer that was in any way, shape, or form reassuring.

They hadn’t been having problems beforehand. In fact, looking back, they were in **such** a good place in their relationship. They were happy and in love and it was amazing. Or, at least, that’s what she’d thought.

_But…_

Had Laura wanted something else from her? Something she wasn’t getting?

_She would’ve told me, wouldn’t she?_

Had Laura thought that maybe they were moving too fast with the wedding plans?

_That’s fucking laughable considering how long we were engaged before we even started planning anything. And she was the one who actually wanted to jump through all these hoops with wedding planners and different venues and eighteen different cake tastings._

Had Laura been having second thoughts about them?

 _No, I can read her like a book and she seemed so happy_ **_._ ** _Or… fuck. She was happy, right?_

None of it made sense and, at this point, Laura definitely wasn’t in the position to fill her in on any clues she may have missed or signs that she had done something to put the younger girl off.

The whole situation was bad enough with just the missing memory, but as was her luck, it had only gotten harder. It had to become more complicated. It had to include Laura randomly remembering these insignificant, one-off facts and occurrences without the tiny brunette even realizing that these were things she should **not** know. Now every time a new one popped up, it was just salt on the wound, a reminder of just how much things had changed, of how much they’d lost.

And, unfortunately, it was beginning to drive her absolutely crazy. She needed to figure out the reasoning behind being the only gap or at least figure out a way to deal with it so that they could move forward. But she was at a total loss on where to even begin her search.

_Obviously can’t ask Laura. She has no clue why I’m all that’s missing and it’ll just make her feel worse if I bring it up._

Mattie or Will?

_Useless and uselesser. Mattie will just tell me to suck it up and Willy-boy will just make some stupid joke that’ll make me want to throttle him._

Mel and Kirsch?

_They have been pretty good at that whole ‘voice of reason’ thing lately. But Laura never would’ve told them if I’d done something to upset her._

Maybe…

_Would it be wrong to talk to those stupid gingers of hers?_

Maybe they knew something she didn’t. Or maybe they’d be able to shed some light with an outsider’s perspective. Maybe they could see something she’d missed. If it meant she could possibly understand…

_Maybe worth a shot?_

Shaking her head to clear it and letting out one more heavy sigh, she looked back at her phone, smiling at the sight of her and Laura on her lock screen, the photo lightening that weight around her heart just enough to allow her to breathe again. It was a picture they’d taken the day before she’d left when they’d ventured out for Saturday morning coffee, Laura leading them to Café Au Lait, their former go-to prior to the accident. They’d just left the little café when Laura had pulled her close and snapped a picture with her phone, claiming it was time for them to start documenting their lives together again. And how could Carmilla argue with that? Especially when the younger girl looked so cute in her little wool toque, cheeks pink from the cold, smile so bright and brilliant it was nearly blinding.

Of course, her home screen held a different photo of them. One taken prior to the accident. And though Laura’s smile had faded just around the edges when she saw Carmilla lock it in the day before the trip, the dark-haired girl had simply pulled her close, pressing her lips against the younger girl’s temple, and reminding her that she was, in fact, the same Laura as always. One stupid accident and a super lame bout of amnesia wasn’t going to change that. Sure, it had taken Carmilla a minute to realize that herself, but now… now, she wondered what in the hell was wrong with her that she would ever think Laura Hollis was anyone other than Laura Hollis. There was no old and new, it was just Laura. And, while she understood her girlfriend’s reticence to accept that about herself, she wasn’t about to be the one causing her any more doubt.

_She’s the same girl I fell in love with all those years ago. Whether she likes it or not._

And regardless of where they ended up, she wasn’t going to waste the time she did have with the smaller girl. She wanted to soak up every second that she could. She wanted to take advantage of every minute that she had.

_After all, if those minutes are numbered…_

* * *

Pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail, she made her way out of the bedroom and back into the main part of the house, shuffling her feet as she did. Reaching the kitchen, she looked around, the space completely silent and mostly clean, leaving her hands unfortunately idle. She’d already spent enough time writing earlier that day and, honestly, her brain was a little burned out and in need of a break. She knew she was pushing herself to try and catch up for all the time that she’d missed, but it would be worthless if she was just writing nonsensical garbage.

Sighing, she moved towards the counter where her phone rested, checking, _just in case_ , the dejected feeling returning when nothing new popped up as she unlocked it. In fact, the only sight that greeted her was the same sight she saw every time she unlocked her phone: Carmilla.

She’d finally broken down and combed through the other photos in her phone a little over a week after their initial blowup… after she’d run off like a coward, deciding that it was time to be brave. But it proved to be much harder to face than she thought as almost nothing had looked familiar, including the display photo of Carmilla. The dark-haired girl was sitting on their back deck, head cushioned on her arms which rested across the railing, gazing out into the beautiful sunset, soft smile as the breeze gently tousled her hair, and completely oblivious to anything else. She’d studied that photo for much longer than necessary, considering the girl in it was still a relative stranger at the time. But she didn’t have the heart to change it to something more neutral. Carmilla was stunning, there was no doubt about that. But, more than that, something in the picture drew her in and held tight, wrapping her heart in warmth and comfort. Something that she just couldn’t put her finger on but that she couldn’t deny.

She’d finally asked the older girl about it a few weeks ago and Carmilla had merely shrugged, only able to provide her with the fact that it was taken just before her trip out of town, right before the accident, but nothing else.

Sighing in frustration, she set the device to the side and slowly wiped down the counter from where she’d accidentally spilled a few cookie crumbs earlier after she’d hung up with her girlfriend. She was in need of some cheer, and Carmilla had so thoughtfully bought two packages of Laura’s favorite chocolate chip cookies before she’d left. But it didn’t do her much good and, once again, she returned to chastising herself for her thoughtless behavior. She’d simply called her earlier to check in and to ask if Carmilla wanted to go to the coveted Silas Holiday Festival once she got home, but the older girl had seemed so distant.

_Distant and distracted._

But by what?

She knew Carmilla had a ton to do while she was gone. And she really didn’t want to take away from that, but if **she** was the distraction… if she was being too demanding of the other girl’s time and perhaps clinging on a little harder than she should…

_You’re such an idiot._

Somehow, the notion wasn’t even something she’d consciously realized until they’d hung up just a few hours ago, but it was there, staring her in the face, big and bold and uncomfortable.

_She might have wanted this time away from you to get some space and a little freedom. You’ve been pushing and pushing for more. Maybe that’s not what she wants though, and you’re only going to drive her away if you keep it up!_

She knew a part of her behavior stemmed from the excitement at the newness of the relationship, which really did make sense in the grander scheme of things. But that wasn’t the whole reason. She knew the biggest part of it was just… _Carmilla_. With each day that went by, she became more and more certain that she was, in fact, in love with the older girl. She’d almost let the words tumble unhindered from her mouth at least a half dozen times over the last few days during their phone calls, only catching herself at the last moment and avoiding what was sure to be a disaster.

_You can’t say that to her for the first time on the phone when she’s hundreds of miles away!_

But more than that, she still worried about hurting her girlfriend, and on the slightest, most miniscule, practically impossible chance that she was wrong, and she was **not** in love with Carmilla… well, she wasn’t willing to chance it just yet. She couldn’t do that to the amazing girl who she’d spent the last couple of months in the presence of. Carmilla deserved more than a mostly sure guess. She deserved better.

_Better, meaning figure out your freaking feelings and stop smothering her!_

She’d hung up the phone that afternoon, feeling stupid for pushing the older girl for more time, and realizing that she really needed to tone it down. Even though it seemed Carmilla was open and receptive to her requests for them to pretty much never leave each other’s sight while she was home, and always answered when Laura called since she’d been away, the other girl was most likely just being nice and trying to accommodate Laura’s every wish. Like always.

_Which is just… ugh! What about what she wants?_

She didn’t want Carmilla changing herself, or their relationship, just because she wanted to make sure Laura was comfortable and wouldn’t end up running away from her. That wasn’t fair. She should get to be herself and not worry about how Laura would react to this or that. She’d fallen in love with Carmilla once before without either of them constantly bending to the other’s will and wishes. Why should this time be any different?

 _It isn’t! Why can’t she see that? Why can’t she see how crazy I am about her? I just wish she’d listen. I wish she’d understand,_ she thought, tossing the wayward dishcloth into the sink a little harder than necessary and grabbing onto the now clean counter, fists clenched tightly in frustration. _She is so incredible and I don’t know why she refuses to believe that! If I could just show her… maybe I could- no! Stop! You need to give her at least a little bit of leeway. She doesn’t need you on her heels like a lost puppy every second of every day!_

She could tell this internal warring back and forth wasn’t going to stop any time soon and took a deep breath, attempting to calm her thoughts. Maybe **she** needed some time alone. Maybe it would do her good to just focus on something for herself and not worry about anyone else.

_Maybe it’ll give me some perspective._

Hearing the locks on the door behind her turn, she stopped her inner monolog, and sighed in frustration.

_Or I can deal with whatever shenanigans are about to burst into my house._

As much as she loved them, the last thing she wanted to do right now was to deal with her friends. And the fact that they **continued** to barge in unwelcome… well, there was a reason she’d cut her finger on the unfamiliar screwdriver she’d found under the sink when she’d taken drastic measures to try and remedy that just yesterday.

_Just forgot to actually use it._

She turned around, quickly trying to come up with any possible excuse to avoid spending time with whichever one it was, when her eyes widened ever so slightly in surprise, the corners of her lips softly turning upwards.

“Carm? What… I… you’re not supposed to be home for another two days!” she said, feeling the uncomfortable tension suddenly evaporate from her limbs.

_She’s here! She’s home and…_

“Are you complaining? Do you want me to leave?” the older girl teased, dropping her jacket and bags in the corner near the coat rack as she kicked the door closed behind her.

“No!” she said, quickly moving towards the dark-haired girl, her excitement automatically carrying her feet forward before her brain stepped in, and she stuttered to a stop just a few feet away, her hands nervously twitching in front of her, eager and craving her girlfriend. But she held them back.

 _Give her some space,_ she thought, gently clearing her throat. _Don’t be the clingy annoying girlfriend!_

“No, I just… I’m surprised,” she said, doing her best to keep her tone even.

“Well, that was the idea,” she said with a smirk and Laura smiled at the visual, one that she had desperately missed over the last few days. She watched as Carmilla turned and secured **all** the locks on the door, a soft laugh leaving her lips as she did. “I see you’ve been busy, cupcake.” A teasing grin graced her features as she turned back, but it quickly fell as she stared at Laura, her eyes searching. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good,” she nodded. “I… like I said, I just wasn’t expecting you home today. But… here you are.”

She watched the other girl’s brow furrow, her eyes taking on a hint of hurt for a flash, and suddenly, she wanted to smack herself upside the head. There was giving Carmilla space and there was being distant and seemingly uncaring, two very different scenarios that the dark-haired girl was bound to pick up on.

_Dammit, Hollis, get it together._

“Really, I’m just surprised. But it’s a good surprise,” she said, smiling softly, carefully stepping forward and taking Carmilla’s hands in her own, the chill from outside still lingering on her skin.

“You sure about that? Because, I mean, if you don’t want-”

“Yes, I’m sure! I… I don’t think I’ll ever be sad about getting to see you,” she answered, her eyes slowly tracing Carmilla’s sharp features. She sighed softly, unable to help herself when the other girl released one of her hands, moving it up to cup her face, fingertips cool.

“I missed you, Laura.”

“I missed you too,” she said, her body losing some of its rigidity as Carmilla’s arms wrapped around her frame, pulling her close enough that she could inhale the comforting and familiar scent she’d come to learn was solely her girlfriend. Holding tight and burying herself in further, she felt Carmilla’s own body sagging into hers, lips gliding over her temple. And, as she soaked up the moment, she desperately tried to remind herself that she’d just decided that she was going to give Carmilla space.

_Just… just not right now. This feels too good._

“When did you leave?” she asked, her nose tickling at the skin just below Carmilla’s ear.

“Just a couple of hours ago. I rebooked my flight this morning after I made sure I’d have everything done by this afternoon.”

_This afternoon?_

Suddenly something occurred to her, stirring at the edges of her brain.

“Was… was that why you were kind of distracted on the phone?” Carmilla simply nodded and Laura smiled again, somewhat relieved, pulling back so she could meet the other girl’s eyes. “I know it was busy couple of days for you. I’m… well, I’m glad that’s what was distracting you and not… not something else.”

“Something else like what?” she asked, leaning forward to lightly brush her lips teasingly along Laura’s jaw.

“Nothing, just… nothing,” she sighed, moving one hand up into those soft black locks that she had grown so utterly fond of. “Again, not complaining here, but what happened?”

“I just… I didn’t want to be away from home any longer than I had to.” Laura felt Carmilla’s breath wash over her earlobe and tightened her grip once again.

“Away from home or away from me?” she asked, her voice hopeful and the soft chuckle tickling her ear drum only heightened her happiness at that moment.

“While I do love our home… and I really missed our bed because, well, you know, the couch was quite unforgiving…” she trailed off as she moved back, her gaze meeting Laura’s, and the smaller girl saw the teasing dim in those dark orbs, a softness taking over. “Paying double to come back earlier is all about you, creampuff.”

“I like that answer,” Laura said, leaning in to let their lips meet, finally, smiling when Carmilla let out a soft, needy groan.

Jesus, she’d missed that sound.

She continued to smile softly as they pulled apart a moment later, unable to contain her elation, but still… the worry from earlier lingered in the back of her mind, unwilling to let it’s strong grasp go. She allowed Carmilla to remove herself from their embrace after another long moment, the older girl trekking towards the refrigerator for a bottled a water, leaving Laura standing alone on the other side of the island.

 _Just because she wasn’t annoyed by you earlier doesn’t mean that you’re not taking all of this too far, though._ The gut-wrenching feeling was gnawing harder at her now that there was a few feet separating them, chastising her for being far too needy and… _I should talk to her. I don’t want us to keep holding back from one another to avoid hurt feelings. And I don’t want her to be uncomfortable if she really does want me to back off._ Swallowing hard against the fear of rejection, she took a deep breath, and prepared for a bit of a sting.

“I… I um actually realized something earlier after we hung up. I get that you were just in a hurry for your flight, but outside of that, I mean… maybe…” She felt her cheeks slowly begin to heat up and swore her embarrassment at the moment couldn’t grow any further. But when she looked up to see Carmilla turned back towards her, eyes once again confused and seeking an explanation, she realized she was wrong.

“Maybe what?”

“Just… I realized that I may have been a little **too** overzealous these last few days. I mean, it was always me texting. Me calling. And even before you left, it was me making the plans for us to spend every available minute together. I just…” She paused again, noticing that Carmilla clearly was still not following her in this train of thought. Sighing once more, she looked down at her hands, nervously wringing in front of her, the sleeves of her oversized flannel attempting to cover them as they shifted. “I just… if I’m being too clingy or… if I’m just too much and you want some space, I understand, and if that’s what you need, I want you to-”

“Stop. Right there,” Carmilla said, her voice firm and her face suddenly serious as she quickly moved back towards the smaller girl. Her steps pounded against the wood floor and she carelessly dropped the water onto the counter as she passed, her right had cool from the bottle’s surface but her touch gentle as she carefully cupped the smaller girl’s chin. “Laura, I know this is new to you. But it’s not to me. I **love** spending time with you, I always have. You are, hands down, my most favorite person to be with, and I’m not going to get sick of you, okay?”

 _You liked spending time with the old me._ **_She_ ** _was your favorite._

Laura looked away, those insecure feelings so overwhelming that she couldn’t bear to meet Carmilla’s eyes. And, of course, Carmilla saw the doubt lingering beneath the surface.

“Look, I know I wasn’t always accessible these last few days and I’m sorry. I was really just trying to get through everything as fast as I could without fucking up. I just… I just wanted to come back to you.”

Laura heard the softness and finally looked up into those amazing dark eyes, her hands unconsciously reaching to fist the sides of Carmilla’s rumpled shirt as she did, wanting so badly to believe it.

“I know you were busy with work, Carm. I’m not faulting you for that at all. I just…”

“You just what?”

_I don’t want to push you away. I don’t want to remind you anymore that I’m different._

“Stop. I see what you’re doing to yourself,” Carmilla said as if reading the smaller girl’s mind. “I mean it, cupcake. I…” Laura waited as Carmilla stopped herself, looking away for a split second, her eyes intense and Laura felt the switch as they came back to her own, a well of softness and affection swimming in that dark gaze. “I love you, okay?”

And those words barreled into her, colliding against the doubt, and burying themselves deep within. It was the first time Carmilla had said it in almost two weeks. It was the first time she’d said it since that evening in the kitchen when Laura saw the hurt in the dark-haired girl’s eyes at the thought of the words making Laura uncomfortable. The first time since Carmilla had reassured her it was fine not to reciprocate and Laura had fully realized just how little faith the older girl had in winning her heart back. How little faith she had in Laura ever falling in love with her again.

_And, my god, if anyone deserves love, it’s Carm._

“I love you exactly as you are,” she continued, her hands guiding Laura’s face back up, their eyes meeting once more. “So, please, stop worrying about what was or where we used to be or any other shit that just doesn’t matter. You and me… that’s all that matters, okay? Us, here and now, that’s what matters.”

Laura swallowed hard at that, feeling it land right in the center of her chest. There it was again, the fact that, as far as Carmilla was concerned, she was Laura, Carm was Carm, and they were together. They cared about each other and… Carmilla loved her. And she…

She opened her mouth, searching and straining for the words, but nothing came out except a small huff. And so, swallowing hard, she tried again, but still… silence.

Why couldn’t she say it?! It was three lousy words!

_Because you can’t hurt her again. And not saying it will hurt her less than saying it if you aren’t completely sure._

Unable to do anything else, she nodded, pulling Carmilla against her, and crushing their lips together, trying to convey everything she couldn’t verbalize as she held the older girl there for a long moment, letting their foreheads come together after their lips had finally parted. She opened her eyes, unable to stop the soft smile touching her lips as she took in the sweet grin on Carmilla’s own mouth. She knew as things progressed between them that she would still have doubts from time to time. But, as long as Carmilla was there, and honest with her, it just might all be okay.

_Maybe she really can save me from myself._

“I really did miss you, Carm,” she whispered.

“I gathered that, cutie,” she teased, pecking her lips once, quickly. And then again. And then over and over until Laura couldn’t stop the giggle that erupted from her mouth, the moment immediately becoming lighter, and she was once again so grateful that it was Carmilla with her in this situation. That she had someone so amazing and understanding at her side. Someone that knew her almost better than she knew herself and would still be standing there when the dust cleared.

 _I am_ **_so_ ** _lucky,_ she thought as Carmilla kissed her hard and fast, one last time.

“Crisis averted for a bit?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m okay,” she said, holding a little tighter.

“Good. You let me know when the panic makes a resurgence, okay?” Laura smiled softly before nodding. “So, now… you’re here. And I’m home. I’m home early. So, what do you think?” Carmilla smirked, her thumbs teasing at Laura’s jaw as her eyes danced.

“I think this night just got a lot better,” she answered, smiling harder when Carmilla finally kissed her properly, lips fluttering and hinting at exploration, both of them seeming to enjoying the long, unhurried moment pressed against one another. The moment that they should’ve had as soon as Carmilla walked in the door.

_Lesson learned…_

“Mmm. You taste like chocolate chip cookies,” Carmilla chuckled as she pulled away, her lips ghosting down Laura’s chin to her neck.

“I may or may not have eaten a few today.” She watched Carmilla lean back, eyeing her skeptically, and giggled. “Or I may have eaten an entire sleeve this afternoon.”

“Your love of all things sweet is adorable and charming, but it will forever amaze me how you don’t already have diabetes.”

“I happen to have really good genes,” she argued.

“Yes… yes you do, cupcake,” Carmilla said suggestively, her hands roaming further down Laura’s body and landing low on her hips, making the smaller girl giggle. “So… did you eat them all? Because I’m kind of hungry. They ran out of pretzels on the plane.”

“I did…” Laura said, guiltily. “And our fridge is looking pretty bare. I was planning to go to the store tomorrow before you got home, but if you want, we can go grab something quick.”

She glanced down at her attire, the gray shorts that were hovering high against her thighs and the flannel that was at least two sizes too big, and grimaced. She’d definitely have to change first.

“Or… we could stay here and I can find something else to snack on,” Carmilla smirked, wiggling her eyebrows, and making Laura blush.

“You are unbelievable.”

But who was she to argue with a such a great plan? She smiled as Carmilla leaned in to claim her lips once more, no hints or teasing this time. No, it was a powerhouse kiss that left her breathless and craving more. More of Carmilla’s lips. More of her hands drifting underneath the back of her shirt. More of Carmilla’s naked skin beneath her own fingertips.

They’d only been apart for five days, but she would’ve been lying if she said she didn’t miss the new intimacy they had so recently discovered. She never would’ve guessed that their physical relationship would be so staggeringly wonderful, but she should’ve known better. She should’ve known that Carmilla would easily be able to reduce her into a begging, panting mess with what appeared to be minimal effort. And, at that moment, that was exactly what she wanted to happen.

Laura felt the older girl chuckle against her lips as she tugged impatiently at her wrinkled black t-shirt, attempting, unsuccessfully, to peel it off. Releasing the smaller girl’s lips for half a second, Carmilla pulled it over her own head, her mouth immediately finding Laura’s once it was clear, that same passionate kiss never wavering. She felt Carmilla’s hands leave her back, quickly finding their way to the top button on her shirt, and making quick work of the ones following. Reaching the final button, Carmilla unfastened it, moving her fingertips inside the flannel, and Laura sighed at the feeling of her soft warm hands against her torso. Pulling away, she opened her eyes just in time to see the older girl look down at what she’d unveiled, a teasing smirk touching the edges of her mouth.

“No bra?”

“I was home alone and-”

“Just one less thing I have to worry about taking off of you,” Carmilla interrupted, her lips finding Laura’s once again and she giggled at the reasoning, the feeling of Carmilla’s own lips curving up against hers making her even more elated. She stepped backwards as the dark-haired girl began to slowly guide her across the room, unsure of where she was being led to, but allowing it as she had no intention of stopping the kiss to ask. She whimpered softly as she felt Carmilla’s fingers teasing along her breasts, hitting all the right spots as they shuffled, but unfortunately, never lingering. It seemed she was on a mission for something else, which was fairly obvious when she felt the older girl’s fingertips playing with waistband of her shorts, smirking once more against her mouth before easily pushing them down over her hips, the fabric dropping in a heap around her ankles.

“No underwear?”

“Are you complaining?” she gasped, her fingers fumbling at the clasp of Carmilla’s bra, her eagerness making the damn thing impossible to unlatch.

_Seriously, Hollis? This isn’t your first rodeo. Focus!_

But it was a lost cause as Carmilla’s mouth found that spot beneath her ear, making her shiver and her hands clenched tighter against her girlfriend’s shoulders.

“Should we um… should we go back to the bedroom?” she whimpered.

“Uh uh. I think we’re just fine right here,” Carmilla answered as she continued to guide them along, her lips finding Laura’s once more.

 _Sure. Okay, yeah…_ Her focus had narrowed to nothing but Carmilla. Carmilla’s lips and tongue gliding against her own. To the feel of Carmilla’s soft, warm skin beneath her hands. To the feel of Carmilla’s fingers  gripping tightly at her hips, pulling their bodies flush.

She felt her back hit the edge of the kitchen table, stopping their progression, and attempted to sidestep it so that they could continue on their way, wherever that was, but the hands on her hips only pulled her in more firmly as a deep chuckle echoed in Carmilla’s chest. And then, in a flash, the hands were gone, as was her girlfriend’s mouth. Her eyes fluttered wide, her mouth opening to object, but all that came out was a high pitched yelp as Carmilla gripped at the back of her thighs, hauling her up, and settling her on top of the table, the cold wood a shock to her posterior.

This girl… _oh, wow._

She attempted to shuffle forward after adjusting to the surprise, her mouth seeking Carmilla’s once more, but coming up empty as the older girl’s lips quickly roamed down her neck, across her chest, and along her torso, pushing her to lay back as she moved lower and lower, her blunt black nails deliciously dragging along, chasing after her mouth.

“You know, this is a really fantastic surprise,” Laura said, breathless as Carmilla’s lips teased around her belly button.

“Not the first time we’ve surprised each other,” the older girl smirked before moving lower, her mouth teasing along Laura’s hipbone.

_Oh, god, I love surprises…_

* * *

**_Two Years and Five Months Earlier_ **

Sighing heavily, she slowly climbed the stairs, ignoring the scolding look Mrs. Lebowitz sent her way as they passed each other on the landing, the older woman going so far as to cross herself just as Carmilla rounded the stairwell. It didn’t matter what she did or said. Everyone in their little building kept clear of her, and honestly, she was perfectly happy with that. Or she would’ve been if Laura hadn’t insisted on befriending every last member of the elderly population. She swore if she walked into their place one more time to find Mrs. Krantz interrogating her girlfriend on whether or not she’d been brainwashed and tricked into their relationship… well, she’d give them a real reason to dislike her.

She let herself into their apartment, tossing her things to the side as she closed the door behind her. She’d clean it up later, along with the rest of their little abode, which had somehow become quite the sty over the last couple of days. What was a few more things tossed onto the pile? Besides, it didn’t matter. Laura wasn’t there to harass her anyway.

She made her way into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator, and sighing once more as she took in the few, mostly outdated items it contained.

_Of course._

She’d have to go pick some things up before Laura got home, but she just wasn’t feeling up to it at the moment. She’d put it on her to-do list for tomorrow. Probably.

It was the same routine every time she was left to her own devices while Laura was sent away for work, and the younger girl had left just two days earlier. And, though they were both getting used to the occasional time apart, this particular trip was one that Carmilla had really been dreading. Laura had tried to reason with her that it would only be for four days, far shorter than the last one, which ended up lasting a week and a half, but it didn’t matter.

_If she just would’ve left a couple of days later._

She grabbed one of the beers she found in the icebox and leaned back against the counter, popping the cap off, and taking a long swig.

 _Best birthday ever_.

She knew Laura hadn’t purposely chosen to be out of town that day. And it wasn’t even like she wanted a big celebration, but this was the first birthday, since they’d been together, that either of them had missed.

As soon as Laura had told her about the trip, the smaller girl had immediately gone into a big impassioned speech about how she would make up for missing the older girl’s twenty-fifth birthday. But Carmilla had immediately shrugged it off, knowing that Laura wasn’t doing anything on purpose to hurt her. And it wasn’t even really that it hurt. It just made her sad, the two of them not being together.

 _Quit being a fucking baby. You’ve spent plenty of birthdays alone. You can handle one more._ Of course, all of that had been before Laura. Before the plucky brunette had crashed into her life and destroyed everything in the absolute best way possible, lighting up her world for the first time ever. _And now you’re alone again and-_

“Ugh, Jesus, stop,” she scolded herself. Pushing herself off the counter, she took another sip from her bottle as she made her way down the hall, intent on changing into a comfortable pair of sweats and curling up on the couch with one of the horror movies Laura loathed, and would so rarely watch with her. It was as good of a plan as any other and maybe all the blood and gore would take her mind off of feeling sorry for herself for a couple of hours. She could definitely handle watching some unkillable monster murdering a gaggle of irritating teenagers. Or, at least, she thought she could until she noticed their bedroom door was closed, a soft sliver of light creeping out beneath it.

_Did I leave that on? I don’t even remember closing the damn door._

Perfect, just what she needed, to worry about a horror mystery unraveling in her own apartment while she was home alone, and, as it was well after seven in the evening, all of her neighbors had undoubtedly removed their hearing aids for the night and would be none the wiser as she screamed for help.

Cautiously, she gripped the bottle in her hand tighter, ready to use it if need be, and made her way towards the bedroom door, her footsteps barely audible. _Probably for the best._ Swallowing hard, she carefully pushed the door open, and as she peered inside, her jaw fell slack at the sight that greeted her.

Laura.

Laura home and in their bedroom.

Laura home and in their bedroom and hardly wearing anything.

“Surprise?” the smaller girl said, her voice meek, her cheeks carrying a faint blush, but her lips… oh, her lips, turned upwards just at the corners, so full and tempting.

“Fuck…” Carmilla sighed quietly as she pushed the door open the rest of the way and took in the sight of her girlfriend, starting at the top and working her way down. Her hair lay past her shoulders in soft waves, satin black bra that left just enough to the imagination, and those lacy little boy shorts Carmilla had seen lurking in the back of their dresser drawer just last week.

Carmilla wasn’t necessarily one for all the bells and whistles when it came to lingerie. In fact, she thought Laura looked as amazing in a plain pair of bikinis as she did in the those racy little numbers she sometimes, but rarely, wore. But this… this was something else.

“So… are you just going to stand there or…?”

Carmilla looked up, seeing the amused look in Laura’s eyes, and realized it had been a few long moments of staring. Grinning widely, she set her bottle on the table at the end of the hallway and stepped into the room, running her hand through her hair as she took one last sweeping glance over Laura’s frame.

“I don’t know, maybe. I mean… the view is fantastic,” she teased, smiling harder when Laura rolled her eyes and moved forward herself.

“You are unbelievable,” she said as she rounded the bed and stepped into Carmilla’s space, fisting the older girl’s shirt and pulling her in so that their lips could meet.

She didn’t even bother with the warm-up, it was straight into passion and… _Jesus,_ Carmilla thought as Laura’s tongue swept along hers, groaning as the younger girl took her bottom lip between her teeth, and tugged. _This night is just getting better and better._

She only let their lips part when she felt Laura’s hands moving up her torso and unbuttoning her shirt, roughly pushing it off her shoulders, the younger girl’s own impatience starting to show.

“I’ve been waiting for an hour and you’re wearing far too much right now,” she said as the shirt hit the floor with a soft whoosh, her lips moving to tease down Carmilla’s throat, teeth gripping tightly at the bottom making the dark-haired girl moan.

“Fu-” Carmilla gasped suddenly as Laura’s hands made quick work of her bra, her teeth digging in a little harder.

She felt the soft giggle the smaller girl released at her obviously predictable reaction and, still having a few blood cells moving through her brain, rolled her eyes. Just because Laura knew **exactly** how to play her body in the most incredible ways didn’t mean she had to give in to the younger girl trying to take control.

Using possibly the last freewill she was able to conjure up, she spun them, pushing the tiny brunette against their dresser, Laura releasing a quiet ‘hmph’ as her back hit it. She let her hands leave Laura’s hips, roaming up her sides, finding those utterly fucking perfect breasts and sighing as she took them in her hands, her mouth landing low on Laura’s neck. But…

Laura was giggling. Wait, why was Laura giggling? This was no laughing matter. She pulled back just enough, her heavy lidded eyes taking in the teasing expression on her girlfriend’s face, and felt her own brow furrow in confusion.

“What’s so funny?”

“The fact that you think you’re in charge tonight,” she answered, her hands moving from where they were tangled in Carmilla’s hair and sliding sensuously down across her shoulders, tickling along her sides, and landing on her hips. She squeezed once before firmly pushing the older girl back… one step… two steps… three ste-

Carmilla finally let go of Laura’s chest as the back of her knees hit the bed, and she fell onto it with a surprised grunt. Looking up at where Laura still stood in front of her, smiling victoriously, eyes dancing with mischief, she decided that maybe she’d relinquish control for a minute… but just for a minute…

She watched Laura’s own lust filled eyes trace along her form as she slowly ran a hand through her own silky brunette locks, and Carmilla shifted ever so slightly on the bed, swallowing hard.

_Fuck…_

Or two minutes… maybe three.

“So uh… I’m not complaining here but… what happened? You weren’t supposed to be home for another two days,” she said, reaching for the smaller girl’s hips, unable to keep herself away from soft, warm skin.

“I just… I wanted to come home. I wanted you,” she said as she straddled the older girl, pushing her back onto her elbows.

“Fuck, cupcake, that’s a really good reason.”

Laura simply giggled at the desperate tone in Carmilla’s voice, biting seductively at her bottom lip as she reached up, running her hands along the dark-haired girl’s bare torso. She slowly leaned in, their lips barely touching as her smile turned just the tiniest bit wicked, and Carmilla immediately felt it, low in her abdomen.

“Happy birthday, Carm.”

* * *

**_Present_ **

Laura felt the back of her head hit the kitchen table hard as her orgasm crested and washed over her, but the pain didn’t even register as all of her senses were focused further south. At the feel of Carmilla’s lips still teasing, her hands gripping tightly at her thighs, the faintest hint of nail still digging in, which…

_Alright then. Thigh highs and scratching. There’s two._

If their sex life was half as good before the accident as it was now…

_She’s going to end up… I mean… well… oh to hell with it, she’s going to end up fucking me to death. Oh, and I am so okay with that._

“Jesus, Carm,” she groaned, her eyes slowly fluttering open, the ceiling coming into focus. She lifted her head just enough to look down her body, her chest still heaving, Carmilla’s intense dark eyes meeting her own from between her legs as the other girl placed a few strategic open-mouthed kisses along the inside of her thighs. Laura sighed once again, watching as Carmilla pulled away, quickly running the back of her hand against her mouth, before slowly making her way up Laura’s body.

Their lips met, the kiss no less passionate than the first, and she gripped onto the older girl, holding tight, still trying to come back to herself.

“Well… that was unexpected,” she sighed, smiling when Carmilla let a soft chuckle leave her mouth.

“I like to keep you on your toes.”

“And on the kitchen table, apparently.”

Carmilla chuckled again as she pulled away and helped her sit up, the dark-haired girl’s fingers playing with the edges of the open flannel she still wore.

“So… I have to ask,” Carmilla started as Laura hopped off the table and carefully found her footing, legs still a little wobbly. She smiled as Carmilla quickly moved her hands to her hips to steady her. “Did **you** put that shiny new chain lock on the door?”

Laura glanced over, seeing the brass metal latched firmly in place, keeping the rest of the world out, and shrugged.

“You noticed, huh?”

“Yeah, cupcake. I definitely noticed.”

“Well… I got sick of everyone just barging in. I mean, what if they had just walked in last week when we were… well, you know? In the middle of the living room. Or just now...” Laura said, blushing slightly but still smiling.

“Well, you know, cupcake, we’ve christened every room in this house,” Carmilla smirked, stepping towards her and wrapping her arms around her waist. “Multiple times.”

“Hmm, well, in that case, since I can’t remember any of that happening, I think we have to start all over,” Laura teased.

“Oh, the horror,” Carmilla said, chuckling as she leaned in and kissed her once.

She looked into those playful dark eyes once more, feeling her heartbeat speed up just the tiniest bit and knowing it had absolutely nothing to do with the strenuous activity they’d just engaged in, and everything to do with just how absolutely crazy she was about this girl.

“I missed you.” Laura said, kissing her again, pulling Carmilla as close as she could. She looked up to see the dark-haired girl smirk at her, raising one of those perfectly sculpted eyebrows, and couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the older girl’s reaction. “I don’t mean because of… **that**. I just…” She trailed off, watching as the smirk fell and Carmilla’s eyes turned soft. “I really missed you.”

“I missed you too, cutie,” Carmilla said, leaning in to leave a soft kiss on her chin before burying her face in Laura’s neck and holding tight. Laura simply smiled, turning to leave a soft kiss against the dark-haired girl’s temple, reveling in the closeness.

 _I never want to be without her,_ she thought, inhaling the scent that was so wonderful… so comforting… so… _Carmilla. I never want to lose her again. A world without Carmilla… that’s not a world I want to know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness
> 
> Twitter (it's confusing): dogsbeernawsmns


	37. Cause There Ain't Nothing Like Your Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fun, some sweetness, some forever's, and some other less than perfect stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for letting me use the song, Burger.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

She blew out another puff of air and pulled her gray toque down over the tops of her ears as she looked around, her breath fogging in a hazy cloud in front of her face. Stuffing her hands deep into her coat pockets, she bounced on the balls of her feet, partially in excitement and partially to keep herself warm. The weather had taken a quick turn, the cold now biting enough that she was pretty sure it could snow at any moment, but it only added to the anticipation and joy of her surroundings.

It had always been something Laura looked forward to, but this particular festival also marked the beginning of the new season in her mind. The streets were crowded, which was to be expected, with an array of families, locals, and tourists from afar. Holiday music played from loudspeakers above, settling over the horde as they migrated from one spot to the next throughout the festival, dodging the decorations and beautiful lights strung along every available surface. And to top it off, the smell of cinnamon and pine mixed together around her, leaving that warm, comforting feeling in her chest.

 _It’s the best!_ she thought with a giddy smile, breathing the cold back into her lungs.

When she had originally asked Carmilla to go, she’d realized that while it was an event she did have memories of, those memories were stretched and full of holes. And there was only one explanation: Carmilla would’ve been by her side, blocking out this year or that booth. This gaggle of carolers or that extra, and unnecessary, peppermint hot chocolate. Obviously, these missing memories were just a drop in the bucket, but for some reason, missing so many pieces of one of her favorite events with her new favorite person, struck a powerful chord of sadness within her.

 _I’m not losing this year, though!_ **_We_ ** _aren’t losing anything else._

She looked back to the vendor handing her the two cups of steaming hot chocolate she’d just paid for, smiling her thanks before turning and attempting to make her way back through the throngs of people to where her beautiful girlfriend was waiting. Praying that she wouldn’t spill any of the chocolatey goodness along the trek, she concentrated on not tripping over the curb and narrowly avoided a small child carelessly pirouetting in the middle of the walkway to a crackly rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’ from the speakers above. Avoiding the last obstacle, she smiled a moment later as she caught sight of Carmilla, the dark-haired girl sagging onto the same bench she’d left her on while she went to get their warm-up. Sitting with her hands stuffed into the pockets of her leather jacket, her long wavy hair flowing out from underneath her wool cap, aviators firmly in place despite the lack of sunshine, she noticed not only had Carmilla not moved, but the same expression donned the older girl’s face. And Laura couldn’t help but giggle fondly at the giant frown firmly settled on her mouth, Carmilla’s obvious mood a stark contrast to the smiles of everyone else around her.

“I think you’re starting to draw attention. You’re the only one here not smiling. I think it’s scaring people,” Laura said as she sat next to her on the bench, handing her one of the steaming cups.

“Well, then people will steer clear and we won’t have to worry about anyone bothering us,” she reasoned, her scowl still in place.

“Come on, Carm,” she giggled, sliding in closer so that there was no space left between them. “It’s a beautiful day.”

“It’s overcast.”

“The lights hung up are so pretty.”

“They look like they were strung up by a five-year-old.”

“The music is cheerful.”

“They’re playing the same two ridiculous songs over and over.”

“And you’re here… with me.”

Finally a small grin pulled at the edges of older girl’s lips as she stared down into the cup of hot chocolate in her hands, apparently unable, or unwilling, to argue the point.

Laura smiled at the small triumph, leaning in and brushing her lips along Carmilla’s cheek, the skin soft and cool against her mouth. She reached up with her free hand, carefully pulling off the sunglasses covering the other girl’s eyes, and smiled harder at the softness in her dark gaze, knowing darn well that it was only there for her. Unable to help herself, she leaned forward once again, connecting their lips in a soft, lingering kiss.

“Thank you for coming with me,” she said quietly as they separated, but instead of responding verbally, Carmilla simply leaned forward, capturing her mouth once more. She giggled at the soft moan that rumbled in the older girl’s throat as they pulled apart again, moving away, and standing in front of her. “Come on. Let’s walk around for a bit. I want to see more of the lights and decorations. Oh and the tree! They’re lighting it up today in the middle of the square!”

She bounced back and forth eagerly, watching as Carmilla chuckled, and finally stood. The dark-haired girl reached up, tucking Laura’s scarf tighter around her neck before taking the mittened hand the younger girl offered and holding fast.

“It’s really not fair how fucking cute you are,” she grumbled, letting the tiny brunette eagerly lead her through the crowd.

A few hours later, her nose cold and slightly sniffling, she decided that regardless of what had happened during any of previous times they’d attended, and what she could or couldn’t remember, this was hands down the **best** holiday festival in history. And it was for no other reason than the fact that she got to spend it in Carmilla’s presence, their hands only letting go of one another’s to wrap an arm around a waist or to brush a stray, wind-blown hair off a cheek. And Carmilla really had been incredibly amenable about the whole thing, keeping her grumblings to a minimum as Laura had pulled them from one vendor booth to the next, her excitement only growing as the day wore on and the sun began to descend. Turning from the most recent booth in question, where she’d purchased a beautiful, delicately hand-painted Christmas ornament, she giggled, watching as Carmilla side-eyed the pack of sticky faced children that passed them, quickly moving to the side as one got a little too close to her.

“They aren’t contagious,” Laura argued.

“You don’t know that.”

Rolling her eyes, Laura pulled the older girl along by the front of her jacket, unable to keep the small smile from her face at her girlfriend’s cantankerous attitude. She kept hold of the leather until they reached a less crowded part of the festival, turning and wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist as they reached it, holding tight, and walking backwards, slowing their pace significantly.

“Fine, you’ve been a good sport today. And it’s almost time for them to light the tree. Let’s go watch and then we can go home.”

Carmilla smiled, and once again, instead of saying anything, simply leaned forward, pecking Laura’s lips once before steering them in the right direction. Sighing happily, Laura turned herself forward, wrapping an arm around Carmilla’s waist as they walked, her side warming against the dark-haired girl’s. A kiss from Carmilla, she’d discovered, was as good an answer as any, regardless of the question.

Stopping in front of the giant spruce adorning the square a few minutes later, Laura smiled in anticipation. It looked like they were just in time as the sun had set just moments ago, the sky beyond them a hazy mix of dark purples and blues. Pulling her arm from around Carmilla’s waist, she took her hand instead, and giggled in excitement, watching the other girl attempt, unsuccessfully, to suppress her own grin. And, a few seconds later, as the street lamps around the square dimmed, the tree lit up in every color she could imagine, momentarily taking her breath away.

Eyes bright with wonder and smiling widely, she squeezed at Carmilla’s hand once, trying to remember everything about that moment. The sounds of cheerful music floating around her, the smell of sugared almonds and butterscotch toffee, the burning bulbs strung around the tree and every nearby post, the feel of the cold stinging her cheeks. She wanted to remember every second of it. But, honestly, it still wasn’t enough. There was something missing and she knew exactly what it was. Turning to share the moment with her girlfriend, she stopped short, tilting her head to the side curiously as Carmilla just stared back at her, smiling gently, eyes soft, ignoring everyone and everything else around them.

“What?” she giggled. “What are you looking at?”

“Just you,” she said, her voice barely audible over their surroundings but still so full of love. A love that Laura never even imagined was possible, but she was quickly finding out just how wrong she was.

_You are so far gone, it’s not even funny anymore, Hollis._

She smiled and blushed, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist. Burying her face in the warmth of her neck, she held tight, inhaling the scent of leather and mint and something she could never name but that lingered oh so addictively to the dark-haired girl’s skin. She felt Carmilla wrap her own arms around her, keeping her close, swaying softly side to side as the minutes stretched on, one leading into another and into another as the crowd around them disbursed. The sights and smells and cold were all gone, overtaken by her girlfriend. But the sounds… something pricked at her ears, the soft crooning coming through the speakers making her smile as they continued rocking back and forth. The melody was completely different than the upbeat tunes that they’d been listening to all day, a welcome change. It was soft and sweet, an old classic that she could never bear to turn away from.

“Can we stay until the end of this song?” she asked quietly.

“Sure, cupcake.”

“Mmm, good.” She snuggled in further, Carmilla’s warmth so comforting. “Besides, even if you won’t admit it, I know this is your favorite Christmas song.”

She felt Carmilla stiffen ever so slightly against her, their swaying bodies suddenly stuttering awkwardly to a stop. Pulling back, she looked up curiously, the dark-haired girl’s serene expression gone and in its place, something that Laura couldn’t quite make heads or tails of.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered, her eyes closing for just a moment as she turned away. And when she opened them a moment later, it was Carmilla again, completely composed, smiling softly at her, and leaning forward to kiss her deeply. “Come on, cutie. Let’s get out of here.”

Laura tilted her head to the side, curious at the change, but Carmilla merely smiled at her, stealing one more kiss beneath the beautiful lights before pulling her away.

* * *

It had been a long day. And considering she had done basically nothing for the whole of it, that was saying something. Sitting on the back patio, she stared out towards the water, watching the waves violently crash in the distance, their spray heaving up giant, impenetrable walls.

_“Besides, even if you won’t admit it, I know this is your favorite Christmas song.”_

She kept hearing it over and over in her head, unable to stop the constant loop.

They’d been having such a nice time the day before, despite the crowds and rowdy children all around the town square. It was a typical festival day, one not so dissimilar to any of the previous years before, as they’d indulged in probably one too many hot chocolates and Laura had complained of a stomach ache after they’d arrived home that evening. Carmilla suspected it had come from too much gingerbread fudge, but hadn’t voiced this, and instead, let Laura lay her head in her lap, combing her fingers through soft brunette strands as the younger girl had fallen asleep while they watched a movie.

And it was so peaceful. So perfect. So absolutely, positively them. It was something she had missed so much over the last few months, but had been scared to press for, worried that she’d just end up pushing the younger girl away. Sure, they spent their fair share of time cuddled up together. And, lately, it seemed they spent more time around each other with their clothes off than on. But there was just something about moments like this that Carmilla had always treasured. Something so untainted and safe, where one of them willingly just stepped away and trusted in the other to watch over them.

She’d only done it once herself since the accident, and it definitely hadn’t been intentional. She’d just been so comfortable in Laura’s presence that night that, at some point, she’d inadvertently drifted off. And when she’d woken up, pillowed on Laura’s lap, the smaller girl gently smiling down at her so sweet and beautiful, she felt the warmth, the moment untainted, safely wrapping around her and holding tight.

She trusted Laura and Laura trusted her. That part was easy. And as Laura laid there with her head cushioned on Carmilla’s thigh the prior evening, she basked in that comfort for hours, relishing each second, until she’d finally pulled the smaller girl up and taken her to bed. Tucked in beside her that night, holding fast, she was happy. Everything was okay. Everything was as it should be.

But then, in the harsh light of day that morning, the comfort had dwindled down just enough for her insecurities to leak back in and the words to echo in her mind once more.

_“Besides, even if you won’t admit it, I know this is your favorite Christmas song.”_

She hadn’t mentioned anything about it as Laura had gotten around and left the house, intent on getting some work done at one of her favorite coffee shops. She had swallowed down the worry, put on a brave face, and muddled through as best as she could, smiling into their initial kiss goodbye and then the four that followed as, it seemed, Laura simply wasn’t content with just one. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

_“Yay! I know it’s like super cheesy and you’re only gone for a week, but I just… I wanted you to have something from home. Something of us.”_

Why did these memories keep popping up?! What was it that was driving Laura to only remember the most random and seemingly insignificant things? And all the while, apparently, not even realizing that she was doing it?

_“It’s your Clash t-shirt. I always do messy stuff in it.”_

These things… there seemed to be no rhyme or reason behind them. They were completely random, and, on their own, so very small. When connected, the memories became even more confusing, since one didn’t have anything to do with any of the others. What was it that was driving this? And, more importantly, was it really worth it to ponder all of this when for all she knew, the smaller girl would lose interest after the shine of their new relationship had worn off? Should she just forget about it and enjoy the gift she’d been given of a little more time with the love of her life?

_“You know, I’ve never been very good at chess.”_

She wanted to. She really did because being with Laura was the single most amazing thing in her entire existence. It was fresh but familiar. It was exciting but safe. It was everything it always had been between them.

_Well, except for one small detail._

And that detail was the cause of the ache that had begun to constantly squeeze at her heart, forming a solid lump in her throat. Laura may have cared about her. She may have thought Carmilla was fantastic and wonderful and whatever other flattering adjective she could come up with in the moment when asked. But she most certainly was **not** in love with the dark-haired girl. And who knew if she ever would be? Who knew if Carmilla could actual win her back? Who knew if she’d even be worthy of earning the smaller girl’s heart for a second time?

Of course, she’d gotten a battering of other opinions from their friends anytime they were in a group and Laura was out of earshot.

_“Well, Karnstein, it’s a good thing she’s fallen for you all over again, huh?”_

_But she hasn’t._

_“Carm, come on, how can you not see how much she adores you?_

_Because she’s just enamored, nothing more._

_“Dude, she’s like crazy about you.”_

_Yeah, crazy about the new gleam._

_“Seriously, Black Widow, she looks at you like you hung the sky just for her.”_

_It must be nice thinking it’s that simple, Xena._

_“Carmilla, dear…”_

_Ugh, goddamnit, Susie Homemaker, stop giving me that pitiful look!_

They may have been working back towards each other over the last six weeks, and sure, Laura had no problem calling her her girlfriend or snuggling up next to her or pressing together, skin against skin in those incredibly intimate moments. But what if, once the newness wore off, it wasn’t worth it? What if deep down, Laura wouldn’t want anything more? What if Carmilla simply wasn’t enough for the younger girl?

There was a time when that new excitement was enough for Carmilla. The weekends that they’d spend together, just the two of them, ignoring the outside world. The nights spent holding one another close. The teasing smiles and soft giggles into the dark. But how quickly it had changed.

Once she’d fallen for Laura all those years ago, there was no going back. Time slipped past as they grew closer and closer, falling more and more in love with one another, becoming even further enmeshed in every aspect of each other’s lives. And it was always a given that neither saw a future without the other in it. They’d never explicitly said it or, in Laura’s likely case, sat down and wrote out a plan on how it would happen. But then… everything changed. One day, she’d woken up, kissed Laura goodbye as the smaller girl had walked out the door, and then went on with her morning. By that night, as they lay against the cool sheets, skin against skin, she knew with absolute certainty. She realized that she wanted to make the reality more than just an unspoken promise. She wanted forever with Laura and she wanted everyone to know.

* * *

**_One Year and Seven Months Earlier_ **

She was still kind of surprised by just how long it had taken them to get there, but then again, LaF and Perry always did things their own way, at their own pace. And that day, it was definitely their own way.

It was a small ceremony held in their backyard, that Perry had long ago transformed into an absolutely gorgeous garden. Leading off the deck, a beautifully marbled brick walkway wove through and around the space, surrounded by the seasonal tulips and daffodils that the curly-haired girl had meticulously planted years ago, the vibrant yellows and pinks sprouting up each spring, right on time. Azaleas and peonies took up residence in the far corners and an old barnwood trellis stood near the back, covered in tendrils of ivy.

They’d only invited a handful of people. Perry’s parents and LaF’s grandmother, some of their closer co-workers, and their ragtag gang of friends, the latter who stood in a little cluster near the back. Carmilla attempted to even out a minor wrinkle in the middle of her knee-length black dress, feeling very much as if channeling Mattie at that moment, and immediately stopped with a grimace. She glanced over to Mel and Charlotte who were engaged in a quiet, and most likely flirtatious conversation if the smile on Mel’s face was any indication. And next to them stood Kirsch, tipping his head from side to side as he eyed the back deck and pulled impatiently at his tie. She’d arrived to the house alone as Laura had come by earlier to help and make sure everything was taken care of. Her girlfriend was performing double duty that day and standing aside both parties as their best person, which had initially been an unusual request, seeing as Laura couldn’t exactly split herself in half. But as the three of them were best friends, it made sense that both LaF and Perry wanted Laura next to them as they finally said their vows.

She’d listened, patiently, over the last few months as Laura had filled her in on every meeting and planning session she’d had with Perry surrounding the ceremony. The LaF sessions were a little less frequent and a little more casual, but that was to be expected. Some days, Laura would come home completely spent and not wanting to talk about anything wedding related, including cake choices, so Carmilla knew it had been a **bad** meeting. Other times, Laura would come home smiling and glowing, her excitement for the couple so palpable that Carmilla couldn’t help but find herself caught up in the tiny brunette’s joy. Those nights usually turned into something much more pleasant with soft smiles into sweet kisses and holding onto each other until the sun rose.

With wedding planning taking up a decent chunk of Laura’s free time, Carmilla had wondered if the smaller girl would catch wedding fever herself. But, curiously, she never once mentioned or hinted at anything more for her and Carmilla. Part of her understood. She knew Laura was happy and that much like herself, the younger girl wanted for nothing in their relationship. But still…

“Do you think they would notice if I snuck over and grabbed a couple of those spicy chicken meatballs?” Kirsch whispered, taking her out of her thoughts. She turned towards him, shaking her head and chuckling softly at the longing look in his eyes as he sized up the tables sat on back deck, covered with all the delicious handheld hors d'oeuvres and delicacies that Perry had painstakingly prepared the night before.

“I think it’s worth a try and you should probably grab some of those bacon wrapped shrimp while you’re at it to share with rest of the class,” Carmilla suggested helpfully, her own stomach growling impatiently.

“Yeah, good idea, bro.”

“Why do you want to get him into trouble?” Mel asked with a sigh, grabbing at Kirsch’s suit jacket as he went to pass, preventing him from running off. Carmilla simply smirked and shrugged, causing Mel to roll her eyes as she held tight to a still distracted Kirsch.

“Don’t do it, popped-collar,” Danny warned as she and Betty joined the little group. “Perry may skin you alive.” Carmilla chuckled again as Kirsch’s brow furrowed, a pout gracing his lips, looking the complete lost puppy that he was.

“Why are you two late?” Mel asked, moving back to Charlotte's side now that Kirsch was wrangled in.

“We aren’t. LaF had an issue with their boutonniere that required assistance and Laura was busy helping Per with a small snag in her dress. But they said that they should be ready to start soon.”

“Good because I’m seriously starving, dude.”

“Kirsch, this is a wedding,” Danny said slowly, but he just stared back blankly. “It’s the wedding of two of our friends.” Still nothing. “Two of our friends that we deeply care about.” Crickets.

“What Xena is trying to say, beefcake, is just stand there and be quiet for a few more minutes. Then, we’ll make sure you have all the spicy chicken meatballs that you want,” Carmilla said, grinning slightly when his eyes lit up. Turning to Danny, she merely shrugged, her small victory bringing just the tiniest bit of satisfaction to the moment. But what topped it off was the dramatic eye roll the taller girl sent in her direction.

Soft music suddenly started from the set of speakers that LaF had set up the day before, quieting the group, and they all turned towards the back of the house, waiting.

Two point five seconds later Laura appeared in the doorway, and Carmilla felt her breath catch at the sight. She’d seen the pale blue, strapless dress that Laura had chosen for the occasion hanging in their closet over the last few weeks, and hadn’t paid it much attention seeing as Laura looked fantastic in whatever she wore. But now…

 _Jesus, she is so fucking beautiful,_ she thought, unable to look away from her girlfriend as she walked towards the middle of the yard, a small bouquet of lilies in her hand, smiling sweetly at everyone gathered around. Turning to the left, the smile turned softer as she met Carmilla’s eyes, their gazes holding for a long moment before Laura finally looked away as she stopped in the area Perry had diligently sectioned off for the actual ceremony.

Carmilla barely glanced back as LaF and Perry came out of the house next, together, following the same path that Laura had taken, and landing in front of the officiant that had appeared as if from nowhere. But it wasn’t like she was really paying attention to anyone else there anyway. Her eyes were glued to her girlfriend and she could feel a soft, sappy smile tugging at her lips.

The ceremony was, thankfully, short and sweet, and in less than ten minutes, the couple was pronounced married and the small crowd assembled clapped happily in celebration. As LaF and Perry invited everyone to enjoy the rest of the afternoon with them (there may have been an ‘eat, drink, and be married’ pun in there somewhere), Carmilla tuned them out, watching Laura sneak over, their eyes still fixed on each other.

“You look beautiful in that dress,” Laura said softly as they met, and Carmilla would’ve been mad that she didn’t get to say it first if she hadn’t been too busy fighting that incredibly warm feeling in the center of her chest. So instead of saying anything, she tenderly cupped the smaller girl’s face and brought their lips together in a soft, slow kiss that had Laura sighing happily as they parted. Carmilla’s fingertips slid from her face to her shoulder and then down her arm to her hand, their fingers instinctively lacing around one another’s, holding tight.

“You know, it’s not fair when the best person is the most beautiful one in the wedding,” Carmilla said, smiling at the blush that just barely touched Laura’s cheeks.

“Charmer.”

“You love it.”

“I do,” she said with a soft smile. “And as much as I’d love to stand here and let you charm me some more, LaF and Per want to take a few pictures. But I’ll be back soon, okay?” Carmilla simply nodded, relishing the quick squeeze to her hand before Laura let go. She watched the younger girl walk away, her hair softly blowing in the breeze as she made her way to the two smiling gingers, the familiar scent of her perfume lingering just so.

“Hey, angry hottie, I thought you were hungry?” Kirsch said, his mouth half stuffed and a plate full of food in hand.

“Oh, uh, yeah,” she said, smiling once more at her girlfriend before turning to the rest of their friends, who were all curiously looking at her. “I’m just going to wait for Laura.”

“You’re super smiley now, Drusilla. What’s up?” Danny asked.

“Nothing,” she said, her voice lacking the distinct edge she usually reserved for the tall girl.

“Dude, seriously, you not feeling well or something? You’re acting… weird.”

“Man-child’s got a point, you’re being very cooperative and you’ve hardly complained today. What’s that about?” Mel added, smiling knowingly.

“Nothing, just…”

She turned her gaze back to where Laura stood, the tiny brunette giggling at something LaF was saying, the sound just barely carrying across the backyard and reaching her ears. Laura giggling was by far and away one of the most beautiful sounds she’d ever heard, it’s bubbly lilt infectious and catching. It was a sound she wanted to hear from now to eternity. It was one of the many amazing Laura traits she wanted to appreciate every day for the rest of their lives.

The rest of their lives… Years ago, the idea of spending her life with only one person was the furthest thing from her mind, the notion completely unappealing and not worth the energy to contemplate. But then along came Laura Hollis, and everything changed. With Laura, it was easy to picture more than just a week in advance. It required no effort to make plans together a month early. It was beyond simple to picture themselves together years into the future. And she wanted it. She wanted it all. She wanted forever with the girl that held her heart.

And why couldn’t they have forever? Nothing was stopping them. They were in love and only wanted each other. They didn’t have to make an official announcement about that for it it be true. Still…

 _I want it. And I’m going to do it,_ she thought, smiling softly, her lips quirking ever so slightly as Laura looked back to her, the smaller girl’s eyes shining brightly as they stared at one another. _I’m going to ask Laura to marry me._

* * *

**_Present_ **

She walked into the house, securing **all** the locks as the door closed, dropping her things onto the island with a relieved sigh. She’d worry about putting everything away later. Right now, all she wanted to do was crash onto the couch for a few hours with the sleeve of Voortman chocolate chip cookies she’d grabbed on her way home. Maybe she could even convince Carmilla to whip up one of those delicious dulce de leche hot chocolates that she was quickly becoming addicted to.

 _Well, readdicted to._ Along with losing Carmilla, she’d obviously lost her memory of the tasty concoction that apparently had been a favorite. She’d teased the dark-haired girl the first time she made Laura one just a few weeks earlier, debating over-exaggeratedly on which was worse to be missing from her memory and earning a dramatic eye roll from her girlfriend.

She’d had an incredibly productive day and she’d gotten through way more work than she’d anticipated. Which was great, but it had left her mentally exhausted and she didn’t want to think about any of her articles again until she had a good night’s sleep under her belt. Preferably, a good night’s sleep wrapped around Carmilla, head tucked into the older girl’s shoulder, holding tight. She smiled dreamily at that thought. Yeah, that’s exactly what she needed.

And speaking, or thinking, of said girlfriend, Laura caught sight of her through the double pane doors leading out to their back patio, sitting in one of the lounge chairs, one leg bent up to support the pad her attention was focused on.

 _She’s drawing?_ It was a sight Laura had wondered on, but had yet to actually see. She stepped closer, taking in the other girl’s profile, the way her eyes crinkled at the edges as she squinted at the page, how she thoughtfully bit her bottom lip, the way her nose would wrinkle briefly from moment to moment. She was so incredibly beautiful and Laura found herself pausing again to really appreciate just how amazing Carmilla was.

 _No, not was. How amazing she_ **_is_ ** _._

After everything that had happened over the last few months, she couldn’t have pictured a more perfect place to be, or a more perfect person to be with. They may have had their differences. They certainly had their flaws. Would their life together always be sunshine and rainbows? Definitely not. But once the storm cleared, it was Carmilla standing there next to her, holding her hand, and she never wanted to let go. It seemed that they were exactly what the other needed… what the other wanted… what the other one craved. There was a reason that despite the huge obstacle placed in front of them, they were still here, together, enraptured with one another.

_Even though I’m not the same, something about her draws me in, and I don’t want to lose that._

She honestly couldn’t figure out what the pull was in the center of her chest when she’d first laid eyes on Carmilla all those months ago. She couldn’t even really describe it, somehow hidden and so powerful at the same time. But whatever it was, it held tight, longing for the dark-haired girl in a way that she’d never be able to deny.

This was where she wanted to be. There was no doubt. It wasn’t because it was new and fresh. It wasn’t because she was still trying to sort things out and Carmilla had been so vital in the process. It wasn’t because this was what was expected of her.

No, she wanted this because the woman sitting outside, completely oblivious to her presence, was incredible. And Laura was in love with her. And…

_It’s time._

Smiling softly, she took a deep breath and stepped closer to the door, taking in the sight one last time before she disrupted the scene.

“Hey,” she said quietly as she opened the door, her heart beating a little faster when Carmilla turned to her, and smiled sweetly.

“Hey, you’re home.”

“And you’re sitting outside in the cold again. Without a jacket.”

“Cold doesn’t bother me.” And Laura had to hold back any argument as she took in Carmilla’s cheeks, a little rosier than normal from the bite of the air.

“Yeah, I know.” She smiled fondly at the other girl, shaking her head at her stubbornness. “You look cute in your little toque though.”

She watched Carmilla simply smirk as she stepped fully onto the deck, closing the door behind her, and pulling her jacket closer to her body.

“I didn’t think you’d be home until later tonight.”

“I was super focused and, apparently, that sped me up,” she said as she moved towards the lounger, sitting near Carmilla’s hip, facing her. “Pretty sure it was that or the six cups of coffee I had while I was there.”

“Six, huh? So it was a slow day for you?” Carmilla teased, and Laura just shook her head and giggled. Reaching a hand out and placing it on Carmilla’s denim-clad knee, she squeezed once, the remaining warmth that the older girl’s body still housed seeping into her palm.

“How was your day?”

Carmilla’s smile fell just enough to throw her and she squeezed at her knee once again.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I just… just kind of a weird day,” she mumbled.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” she eagerly asked.

“Nah, I’m okay. I’m just glad you’re home, cutie.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Kind of missed you today.”

“Just kind of?” she teased. But Carmilla merely shrugged, her lips pulling up just at the corners. “Well, I **definitely** missed you. Pretty much an everyday occurrence.” She smiled as Carmilla glanced away, the smile on her own lips turning softer as she did. With a quiet giggle, she leaned in, leaving a sweet kiss on Carmilla’s cheek, the skin once again chilled beneath her mouth. Leaning away as they separated, she took in the softness in Carmilla’s eyes and felt her stomach flutter at the sight.

_Such a sap. And I love it._

“Did you have plans tonight?” she quietly asked, playing with the slight tear in the thigh of Carmilla’s jeans.

“Nope. Super boring night in. Maybe some Thai food and a movie?”

“A horror movie?” she asked with a cringe.

“I’ll let you pass on that tonight,” she teased.

“Well, thank god for that,” she smiled quickly, before biting her lip thoughtfully. “That… that sounds good but I um… I actually had something I wanted to talk to you about first, if that’s okay.”

“Sure.” Carmilla shifted ever so slightly in her seat, reaching for Laura’s free hand and braiding their fingers around each other’s.

She studied how perfectly their hands fit together, smiling as she saw Carmilla’s thumb stroke along hers twice while the silence lingered between them. _Of course._ Looking up, she found Carmilla’s eyes locked on hers, so dark and warm. So safe and loving.

_God, I love her so freaking much._

Taking one last deep breath and absorbing the comfort Carmilla brought to her, she smiled softly and nodded once.

“You’re drawing.” _Okay, that wasn’t what you were supposed to say. But it’s okay. Just ease into it, Hollis._

“Oh.” Carmilla brow furrowed at the statement, clearly caught off guard. “Yeah, I um… I was just thinking about some things. Guess I got inspired.”

“I’ve never seen you draw before. I mean, we’ve talked about it but you haven’t…”

“Yeah, first time in a while.”

“I know.” She nodded again, looking away for just a moment, the little pit of guilt in her stomach bubbling and reminding her for the thousandth time just how much had changed and how hard they’d both had to work to get to this place.

“Laura?”

Her eyes found Carmilla’s again, their depths transfixing.

“Sorry, I just… it’s nice to see you doing something that you love. Doing something that you used to do all the time. It’s… it feels like things are just getting closer and closer to normal.”

“Normal normal or our normal?” Carmilla teased, lightening the guilt just enough, and she couldn’t stop herself from leaning in and pressing their lips together, smiling into the brief kiss.

“I think I like our normal,” she said as she pulled away. “It’s… it’s nice.”

“It’s nice? Wow, cupcake, be careful who spread that around to. People might think we actually like each other.”

“What got you inspired?” she asked with a giggle, ignoring Carmilla’s teasing.

“Oh, nothing really,” she answered, pulling her hand away and closing the pad with a shrug. “I was just goofing around.”

“Can I see?” She swore she saw the slightest blush cover Carmilla’s cheeks for a split second, the pink definitely not from the cold. “I mean, in the spirit of ‘our normal’?”

She giggled as Carmilla’s blush quickly vanished, the dark-haired girl eyeing her suspiciously.

“Are you going to use that line now anytime you want something from me?”

Laura smiled demurely, her face a picture of innocence, causing Carmilla to roll her eyes dramatically and flip the pad back open, handing it to her.

Her smile softened at the gesture, holding dark eyes for another moment before looking down at the page. And what she saw caused the smile to drop altogether, eyes widening ever so slightly, immediately being taken aback by the beauty in front of her.

She recognized the surroundings immediately and was astonished by how Carmilla had retained them so perfectly. It was from the festival the night before, and though there was no color, the tree in the background shone so beautifully. Smudged around it were the edges of decorations and the rest of the square, not as precise, but still obvious. They weren’t the main focal point though, and what was, took her breath away. Carmilla had drawn **her** on the right side of the page, standing in profile, and staring at the newly lit tree, wide-eyed, and smiling.

Every detail was there. The gentle slope of her nose, the lines around her smile, the freckle on her left earlobe. Every single detail. Even the ones that she herself didn’t pay attention too, Carmilla had still captured, which shouldn’t have surprised her. Carmilla saw all of her, knew all of her… loved all of her.

She looked up, noticing Carmilla watching her closely, obviously anxious and waiting for a response. But really, what could she say? Here was the most incredible girl in the world, who loved her more than anyone else and treated her so beyond the realm of good…. who’d spent almost three months now patiently waiting and working for them… for her. She’d stood beside her every step of the way, letting Laura set the pace, never pressuring or asking for more. How in the hell she’d gotten lucky enough to find Carmilla Karnstein would always be a mystery, but one that she was happy to leave unsolved as long as she got to keep her.

She leaned in once more, carefully cupping Carmilla’s cold cheek, letting their lips softly meet. Pulling back just enough to watch Carmilla’s eyes slowly flutter open, her lips curled upwards, knowing with absolute certainty that this was where she wanted to be.

_Always._

“I love you.”

She watched Carmilla’s eyes widen, her eyebrows reaching for her hairline, the surprise in the older girl’s gaze evident.

 _Guess she wasn’t expecting that,_ Laura thought, biting at the inside of her lip to keep from giggling at the initial response.

The dark-haired girl stared back at Laura, her lips slowly parting before slamming back together again as she continued to floundered. She did this three times before Laura couldn’t contain her giggle any longer.

“Breathe, Carm,” she said, her thumb still tracing back and forth across her cheek.

“No, I am, I just um… I mean, well… you don’t have to…”

“You going to get a full sentence out tonight?” she teased.

Carmilla briefly shook her head, her eyes tracing Laura’s face for another moment before looking down at the drawing pad. Laura’s eyes followed and she smiled once again at the creation on the page.

“This is amazing, you know.”

“It’s… it’s just a drawing, Laura,” she finally stuttered, nervously scratching at the back of her neck, her eyebrows still raised in shock.

The lip bite couldn’t stop the bubbly giggle that escaped now as she scooted just a little closer on the lounger.

“It’s a very beautiful drawing, Carm.” She set the pad down across the older girl’s thighs and reached up, cupping her other cheek carefully, still smiling. “But that’s not why I just said that.”

“It’s not?” she asked, eyes twitching back and forth.

“No. I said it because I meant it. I love you, Carm.”

“Laura… I…”

She waited a long beat as Carmilla’s face settled, her eyes yearning and holding just enough hope that Laura felt it in her own chest, the ache deep, and she hated that she’d waited so long.

“Are you… I mean…” Carmilla trailed off once again as she stared into Laura’s eyes, apparently trying to read her, but she wasn’t holding anything back. She was in love, and dammit, she wanted the girl to know it.

She leaned in ever so slowly, her lips capturing Carmilla’s for another long moment, feeling the dark-haired sigh at the contact. Nothing else mattered in that moment. It was just the two of them, taking one more step back towards where they once were, and if she had to say it another hundred times for Carmilla to believe it, she would. But as they separated, she realized that perhaps that wouldn’t be necessary, watching the small grin taking shape on Carmilla’s own face.

“I love you,” she repeated one last time, resting her forehead against her girlfriend’s, never taking her gaze away, her thumbs continuing to gently stroke along soft skin.

And then Carmilla did something she’d never witnessed before and, dammit, it was one of the most beautiful things Laura had ever seen. Carmilla closed her eyes… and giggled. Just once, but Laura heard it, the sound light and so beyond the realm of adorable that she couldn’t help but join her.

“I love you so much, Carm,” she said as it tapered off.

Carmilla’s eyes finally opened, the warmth there surrounding her and pulling her in.

“I love you too, Laura,” she finally said back, her voice quiet but Laura heard her loud and clear.

They were in love. They were together and in love and crazy about each other. It wasn’t about the memories. It wasn’t about what was there or missing. It was about them.

_This is it. This is us._

And finally, Carmilla kissed her.

* * *

_You fucking idiot._

She stared at the bright red door in front of her, focusing on the overly polished brass knocker in the middle, hands stuffed into her pockets, waiting for a response to her loud, impatient rap against the solid oak planks just a moment earlier.

She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to do this. She’d been debating with herself from the moment Laura left their house that morning until now, still unsure if this was the right course of action. But she had to find some answers. She had to understand if this whole thing was more than some freaky fluke.

She’d felt the smile reach her lips just hours ago as she’d woken to find Laura leaving a string of kisses along her forehead, the tiny brunette giggling as she finally opened her eyes.

“Why are you up so early?” she asked, her voice still laced with sleep. “And… already dressed and no longer beside me… naked?”

“Because I have some things to do today and I’m already running a few minutes behind,” she said with a smile as her lips found Carmilla’s.

Carmilla rubbed at her eyes for a long moment, finally getting them to focus on Laura as she watched the smaller girl step away, her back to Carmilla as she attempted to balance on one foot while shoving the other into her boot.

“Will you be gone all day?” she groaned, pushing herself up onto her elbows and pulling the blankets tighter to her chest.

“I should be home this afternoon,” Laura answered as she moved on to the other foot. “Do you have any plans for the day?”

“Nope. Just hanging around here.”

“Well, why don’t you see if Kirsch is around?”

“Why would I do that, cupcake?”

“Because he’s your friend,” she said with a giggle as she turned back around. “And the two of you haven’t spent that much time together lately outside of the whole gang. Call him and Mel and see if they want to do something.”

“I’d rather not,” she said, closing her eyes once more.

“You’re terrible.”

She heard Laura step closer and opened her eyes once more, looking up at the smaller girl, hovering near the edge of the bed. Her hair in soft waves underneath her gray toque, her matching scarf already loosely looped around her neck, the ends just barely covering the Blondie concert t-shirt she’d pulled on for the day.

 _More specifically,_ **_my_ ** _Blondie concert t-shirt._

“Are you just going to steal my entire wardrobe?” she grumbled.

“No. But this one’s my favorite!” she said, looking down and playing with the hem, her fingers ghosting over one stain in particular where the color had faded completely. “And it really should be mine now anyway. I’m the one who got the little bleach spot here.”

_Fuck, here we go again…_

She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, using every ounce of energy she had not to show how much this was bothering her. The bleach fiasco had happened a little after a year ago when a nasty bout of the flu had plagued their house and Laura had insisted on disinfecting every square inch of the place after it had passed, while, of course, wearing Carmilla’s clothes.

“So, in an act of goodwill, I think you should just gift it to me,” Laura teased, as she leaned in once more, leaving a long kiss against Carmilla’s now hardened lips. “Hey, I was just teasing.”

“I know,” she said, her eyes now avoiding Laura’s own gaze. And she did know. But that didn’t make this any easier.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she answered, slipping the brave mask firmly in place. “Just a little tired. Still trying to catch up from the trip I think.”

“Well, get some rest today,” she said, leaving another kiss against her forehead, “and I’ll see you later this afternoon.”

Carmilla watched as she rounded the bed, making her way towards the door, stopping briefly and peering over her shoulder with a sweet smile.

“I love you, Carm.”

She opened her mouth to say something, unsure of what it was going to be, but could only sputter and stutter, making Laura giggle as she walked away. A moment later she heard the front door open and close behind the younger girl, the locks firmly twisting in place.

She’d heaved a giant sigh before falling back onto the pillows, warring with herself on what she was going to do, the guilt eating at her on one hand and curiosity on the other. It was an hour later when she’d finally picked up her phone and sent off the text that had started this whole mess. And it took approximately fourteen seconds before the device beeped with a response.

So now, here she was, staring at this damn door and feeling horrible for what she was about to do. She planned to tell Laura about the gathering later, really. She just didn’t want to do it before she had any more clarity on the situation.

_Or you could admit to the real reason. That you didn’t tell her just to save your pride, in case they tell you something you don’t want to hear._

“Carmilla, you’re early,” Perry said cheerfully as she finally opened the door, letting the heat from inside slowly waft out and over Carmilla’s face. Standing aside so that she could enter, the curly-haired girl shut the chill out behind her, still smiling happily as she did. “I thought LaFontaine said you were coming by around noon.”

“Uh, yeah, I um… I thought if you guys were here, may as well get this over with,” she said, and she heard the shame in her voice, clear as day. Even with Laura not there, she couldn’t shake it. “Is that… I mean, do you want me to come back later?”

“No, of course not, come in and make yourself at home,” she said with a reassuring smile. Carmilla quickly shucked her bag and jacket, dropping the latter onto the coat rack before following Perry through the house and into the kitchen where a raucous round of laughter echoed throughout the first floor. Rounding the corner, she saw the source: LaFontaine sitting on one side of their dining table and Danny on the other, both practically in fits over whatever they’d been sharing. She’d only reached out to the bio major about stopping by, attempting to sweeten the pot by finally agreeing to let the little weirdo borrow one of her old cameras for some slides they wanted to create for their biology class. But beyond Susie Homemaker, she hadn’t expected any other guests.

“Can I get you something to drink, dear? I just made fresh coffee,” Perry offered, effortlessly slipping into hostess mode.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.”

“Hey, bad seed, you’re early,” LaF said turning towards her, their laughter finally calming.

She merely shrugged, sliding casually onto one of the stools at the kitchen island. Dropping her old camera bag at her feet, her attention diverted to Perry, the redhead flittering around as she poured the coffee and sat it down next to her along with a freshly baked oatmeal cookie, sans the raisins that she so despised.

“Are you alright, dear? Is everything alright with Laura?”

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s fine. She’s working on some stuff today, so that’s why I asked if I could stop by and talk to you two.” Keeping her eyes down, she absently broke off a piece of the cookie but made no attempt to eat it, the texture so soft and breakable.

“Well, we’re happy to help. What’s going on?” LaF asked with an easy smile.

_You have to do this. You have to know._

She finally looked up, her gaze landing on Danny for a long minute, her eyes cool and making the taller girl shrink in her high-back chair, clearly uneasy. She watched the giant redhead look away for a moment before clearing her throat as she stood.

“Um… yeah, well, thanks for the coffee, Per, but I should… I should go,” she said, her tone uncomfortable.

 _Shit._ She really couldn’t believe what she was about to say.

“Actually… maybe you should stay,” Carmilla offered, staring down at the piece of cookie in her hand. Much as she wasn’t a fan of the tall girl, she needed any help she could get if she wanted to figure this out.

She glanced up, watching Danny share a look with LaF before carefully meeting her gaze again and slowly sitting back down, the air in the room now far heavier than before.

“So um… you want to tell us what’s going on, Carm?”

_Fuck._

She had to do this. She couldn’t back out now.

_As much as I want answers, I really hope they don’t give me the one that’s going to crush me._

“I wanted…” she started before swallowing down the guilt that was rolling around in her chest, clearing her throat softly, and trying again. “I wanted to ask you guys about… about Laura. If she’d said anything to any of you before the accident.”

“Said anything about what?” LaF asked.

“About… about her and I. Did she say anything about me?” she asked, absolutely hating that a smidge of insecurity had clearly leaked into her voice. That wasn’t her and she wasn’t about to let these three see that vulnerability. Schooling her face, she looked back up, the weakness now hidden even as her heart thudded loudly in her chest. “Did she… was she unhappy with me or… with us?”

* * *

She stepped out of the coffee shop and onto the curb, narrowly avoiding a mob of incredibly grumpy looking pedestrians making their way past, hurrying along through the chill back to work or to run errands or wherever it was that one hurried to at two in the afternoon on a Sunday. It really wasn’t her concern. She’d fulfilled her agenda for the day and was now looking forward to heading back home and spending the evening with her amazing girlfriend. Her amazing girlfriend who she was crazy about. Her amazing girlfriend that…

 _I am so head over heels for her,_ she thought with a giddy smile. Things were so good between them and she was so happy. Nothing could touch them. Nothing was going to get them down.

“Miss Hollis!” Laura looked to her right, startled and confused at the graying older woman addressing her with a giant smile, her long ivory peacoat billowing behind her as she quickly moved in Laura’s direction. Squinting carefully, she took in the face, somewhat familiar, but a quick catalog later and she was still at a loss. An old interviewee? Someone she had briefly made the acquaintance of at one of those stuffy holiday parties she’d been forced to attend while on staff with the Times or the Daily? An old professor that she’d purposely pushed to the recesses of her mind?

“Um, hi?” she said cautiously as the woman approached, her mind still attempting to wrap itself around the incredibly strong sense of déjà vu pouring through veins.

“So lovely to see you out and about!” she continued on as she stepped into Laura’s space, her heels clicking loudly against the concrete, stopping just a few feet away.

“Yeah…” She gripped the strap on her laptop bag harder, hating how rude she felt. It wasn’t like her to forget a face, but under the circumstances, who knew what else was missing from her mind.

“How are you, dear?” the woman continued on.

“Oh, fine. I uh… I’m sorry, um, Ms…”

“My apologies, Miss Hollis,” the woman said with a soft laugh. “Miss Karnstein mentioned that you’d had a rather nasty accident and that you’d had some minor memory loss the last time I spoke with her, which, I was so sorry to hear about.”

_Minor memory loss? There’s an understatement._

“Oh, so you know Carm?” she asked, relaxing just the slightest, a small smile meeting her mouth.

“In a professional sense, yes. I’m Janet Long, your wedding planner, dear.”

_Wedding planner?! Oh, wow, okay. Wasn’t prepared for that._

However, she discovered that the panic she’d expected to feel at that statement was apparently absent, and instead, she found that the idea had generated a swarm of nervous butterflies in her stomach, their wings tickling along this way and that. Not that she was in any way ready for such an event. They still had quite a few bridges to cross before for that would come.

_Numerous bridges. Loads of traffic. So many tolls._

But still, in the spirit of ‘their normal’…

_I mean, one day… it might be nice._

“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry, you kind of look familiar, but I of have a pretty solid block on anything Carmilla related, unfortunately,” she said, pointing to her temple.

“That is unfortunate,” she said, her face falling into a sorrowful grimace.

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, or to meet you again, I guess. I didn’t even know that we had a wedding planner. Carm never mentioned it.”

“Yes, well, I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I **was** your wedding planner,” she said, the pity evident in her eyes. “You were such a lovely couple. Such a shame.”

* * *

She paced back and forth from one end of the living room to the other in silence, worrying her fingers together as she did, and wondering how much longer she could do this before she completely lost it. She’d tried to calm herself with music, then reading, then drawing, but it was no use. She’d been anxious all day and the fact that the texts she’d shot off to Laura that afternoon had gone unanswered wasn’t helping.

Was she okay? Was she just busy and not paying attention? Had one of the idiot gingers already spilled the entire discussion that day even though she’d explicitly asked them not to?

She had left LaF and Perry’s that afternoon, feeling no better about the whole situation, despite possibly finding an answer. In fact, she felt about a hundred times worse. It was all **her** fault. She may not have caused the accident but **she’d** been the one to put the worry and fear front and center in her fiancée’s mind all those months ago. And now, she was paying for it. Laura was paying for it.

_You’re such an asshole._

She’d arrived home, feeling both disappointed and relieved to find Laura still wasn’t there. She really wanted to rip the Band-Aid off, but she also needed more time to figure out exactly how she was going to explain everything. And how she was going to admit to the fact that she’d went behind her girlfriend’s back.

She knew it was very possible that Laura would be upset with her for talking to the ginger trio on her own. And she knew she deserved that. But how Laura would feel about what they may or may not have discovered… well, she really didn’t know how to prepare for that reaction.

_You owe it to her._

Hearing the locks turn on the door in the other room, she swallowed hard and stepped into the kitchen, watching from the doorway as Laura entered, head down, her long brunette locks hiding her face.

“Hey, cutie,” she said, the nervousness in her voice more than obvious. She waiting a long moment as Laura dropped her things, the smaller girl’s back still to her. “We um… we need to talk.”

She waited as Laura hung her jacket from the coat rack, the smaller girl’s shoulders tensing as she turned towards her, the silence between them heavy. And Carmilla  immediately saw it. Saw what she feared as their gazes met. Laura’s eyes were hard, her eyebrows tightly pulled together, jaw clenched. The tiny brunette took one step towards her, fists tight at her sides, limbs taut in obvious anger, and Carmilla swallowed hard at the sight.

“Yeah. Yeah, we really do, Carmilla.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	38. She Got Me With Nothing To Win And Nothing Left To Lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's livid. Carmilla's upset. And it seems they may have bitten off a bit more than they can chew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, to the person that threw the flaming pitchfork at my door last Friday night, dude, great aim. 
> 
> Seriously though, I've been a tad nervous about posting some of the previous chapters, but this one, I'm honestly terrified. So I really really hope I don't let anyone down. 
> 
> And I keep getting yelled at for apologizing about the length of the chapters lately, but seriously, this one is ridiculous. Over 17K, so I appreciate anyone who makes it through.
> 
> One minor difference on this one. There is a POV change mid-scene so, to make it easy on you, the *** is what that's for.
> 
> Thank you all and thoughts in italics.

“I’m Janet Long, your wedding planner, dear.”

_Wedding planner?! Oh, wow, okay. Wasn’t prepared for that._

However, she discovered that the panic she’d expected to feel at that statement was apparently absent, and instead, she found that the idea had generated a swarm of nervous butterflies in her stomach, their wings tickling along this way and that. Not that she was in any way ready for such an event. They still had quite a few bridges to cross before for that would come.

_Numerous bridges. Loads of traffic. So many tolls._

But still, in the spirit of ‘their normal’…

_I mean, one day… it might be nice._

“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry, you kind of look familiar, but I have a pretty solid block on anything Carmilla related, unfortunately,” she said, pointing to her temple.

“That is unfortunate,” she said, her face falling into a sorrowful grimace.

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, or to meet you again, I guess,” she giggled softly. “I didn’t even know that we had a wedding planner. Carm never mentioned it.”

“Yes, well, I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I **was** your wedding planner,” she said, the pity evident in her eyes. “You were such a lovely couple. Such a shame.”

And, suddenly, it was like an icy shock to her system.

 _What…?_ She felt the small smile fall from her face as she absorbed the words, trying to make sense of them in any way that she could.

“We… we **were**?” she asked uneasily.

_Oh god. What’s going on here?_

She **was** their wedding planner? They **were** a lovely couple? It was **such a shame**? That formerly absent panic had made an appearance and was quickly growing, echoing into her chest and expanding outwards as her throat began to close up.

“Absolutely. One of the sweetest I’d ever had the pleasure to work with. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen two people more in love in all of my years in this business.”

“Oh, um…” _Wow._ “Well, thank you, but… I’m sorry, you’re no longer working with us or…?” she stuttered, still trying to wrap her head around what exactly was happening at that moment.

_Breathe, Laura. Just breathe._

“Unfortunately, no. I was so looking forward to the big day, for both of you, and it was so hard to hear the news when Miss Karnstein called.”

 _Carm called her and…_ She felt like the air had just been sucked from her body as she struggled to keep her feet steady. _What did she say??_

“The news…? I’m sorry, when did Carm call and what did she say?” She heard the edge of desperation leak into her voice as she gripped the strap of her bag a little tighter, her knuckles straining under the pressure.

“Oh.” The question seemed to surprise the older woman, which only made Laura’s angst grow faster. “Well, originally she called sometime in early October to say it was possible you may need to postpone the event. She said you’d had an accident and might need some more time to… I believe she said ‘readjust.’”

“Oh!” Laura felt some of the tension leave her shoulders as she sagged in on herself.

_She just pushed it back!_

“But then,” Ms. Long continued, “I believe it was around the end of October that she called and canceled everything. I was so sorry to hear you were no longer together.”

_Oh god..._

Every muscle in her body went taut with fear, the panic at her core tripling in the span of a second with those three words.

_No longer together? She was really done with me?_

“She-she said we weren’t together anymore?” she asked, her voice small.

“She didn’t go into any specific details. She simply said that considering the circumstances, it wasn’t going to work out,” she answered, and the pity on her face only made matters worse as it grew.

“But, I mean… I mean we **are** still together,” she cried eagerly, wondering if she was saying it for the benefit of her current companion or just to reassure herself.

“Well, that’s wonderful, dear!” she said with a genuine smile. “I’m thrilled to hear you were able to find your way back to one another despite the situation.” Ms. Long looked away for a moment as someone called her name just up the sidewalk, the older woman smiling and waving before turning back to Laura. “I don’t mean to sound forward, but if for any reason the two of you change your minds and decide to continue on with the planning, I’d love to help. Here’s my card,” she said, handing Laura a small piece of pristine white cardstock, and with one last smile and a ‘ta’, she was gone.

Laura looked down at the card, the loopy script swirling unsteadily in front of her eyes, her fingers shaking ever so slightly within the thick red yarn encasing her mittened hand. She felt like she’d just been punched in the chest, bile swiftly rising in her throat.

_Oh my god! Oh my god! She-wait a minute!_

What had just happened? The wedding? Carmilla calling it off? The fight? That they weren’t **going** to work out? Everything churned around her brain in a vortex of confusion, and as she attempted to pinpoint one fact to focus on and start there, she found herself getting more and more agitated.

_She called at the end of October…?_

The fight they’d had… the fight where Carmilla admitted that she knew Laura didn’t love her anymore.

No, they weren’t in the best place at that time. That much was obvious. And when she’d stupidly ran out that morning to LaF and Perry’s… when she’d almost ruined everything, yes, the situation had probably hit an all-time low. She’d been so busy trying to wrap her head around the fact that she’d lost the most important person in her world that she hadn’t thought things through when she’d grabbed her bag and bolted that day.

_But Carmilla understood! After that fight… I mean, she got it! And she wanted to start again just as much as I did! Right?_

But no. Apparently, she was wrong. Apparently, she was the only one who felt that way… who wanted to make it work.

_Carmilla stopped everything and…_

Suddenly, of all those emotions swirling around inside her, one in particular took hold, overshadowing all the others with a loud thunderous jolt. The confusion fled. The sadness ran away. The dread bolted.

 _She was done! She was done with me and with us! And… she never even told me! She never said a word! She chose for_ **_us_ ** _and stayed silent on it!!!_

Turning on her heel, she stormed up the sidewalk, stomping past the bakery she was planning to visit for some of those pastries Carmilla had just mentioned craving the day before, her fists clenched at her sides, crushing the white card in her hand, breath coming fast and hard. The relaxed afternoon she’d planned to spend with her girlfriend was going to have to wait because this wasn’t going to be pleasant.

_She better have one hell of an explanation!_

* * *

Hearing the locks turn on the door in the other room, Carmilla swallowed hard and stepped into the kitchen, watching from the doorway as Laura entered, head down, her long brunette locks hiding her face.

“Hey, cutie,” she said, the nervousness in her voice more than obvious. She waiting a long moment as Laura dropped her things, the smaller girl’s back still to her. “We um… we need to talk.”

She watched as Laura hung her jacket from the coat rack, the smaller girl’s shoulders tensing as she turned towards her, the silence between them heavy. And Carmilla immediately saw it. Saw what she feared as their gazes met. Laura’s eyes were hard, her eyebrows tightly pulled together, jaw clenched. The tiny brunette took one step towards her, fists tight at her sides, limbs taut in obvious anger, and Carmilla once again swallowed hard at the sight.

“Yeah. Yeah, we really do, Carmilla.”

She sighed and looked down at her feet, her boots suddenly heavy on her feet, gluing her to the wood floor below. Shoving her hands into her back pockets, she nodded once before looking back up, the anger in Laura’s eyes even sharper than the moment before.

_Damn gingers._

“Look, I get that you’re upset,” she started, “and you have every right to be. I shouldn’t have done this. I should’ve talked to you first but… can you please just let me explain why?”

Laura huffed and rolled her eyes, her posture still rigid. Shaking her head, she turned and walked past Carmilla into the living room without another glance.

“This better be good,” she sniped and Carmilla swallowed once more before slowly following.

* * *

**_Three Hours Earlier_ **

“So um… you want to tell us what’s going on, Carm?” LaF asked.

_Fuck._

She had to do this. She couldn’t back out now.

_As much as I want answers, I really hope they don’t give me the one that’s going to crush me._

“I wanted…” she started before swallowing down the guilt that was rolling around in her chest, clearing her throat softly, and trying again. “I wanted to ask you guys about… about Laura. If she’d said anything to any of you before the accident.”

“Said anything about what?” LaF asked.

“About… about her and I. Did she say anything about me?” she asked, absolutely hating that a smidge of insecurity had clearly leaked into her voice. That wasn’t her and she wasn’t about to let these three see that vulnerability. Schooling her face, she looked back up, the weakness now hidden even as her heart thudded loudly in her chest. “Did she… was she unhappy with me or… with us?”

“Karnstein, what’re you talking about? That girl thinks you make the sun shine.” The fact that this came from Danny startled her, and when Carmilla looked over, taking in the softness on her face, it only confused her more.

“She really does. Frosh is head over heels crazy in love with you.”

_She says she is. She thinks she is, but before…_

“Carmilla, dear, what’s going on?” Perry asked as she untied the apron from around her waist and took the stool next to Carmilla’s.

“I just… I’m trying to understand. With everything that’s happened, I’m just trying to find an explanation. I mean… there has to be a reason that she only forgot me.”

She glanced around, watching as the three redheads shared a sad look, their own feelings on the situation obviously surfacing.

“Carm, why are you asking this all of a sudden?” LaF asked, leaning their elbows forward onto the table, eyes curious.

“Like I said, I just want to understand.”

“But why now, dear? Has something changed? Between the two of you?”

“No, it’s just… look, I know it’s been months. And I know that this has been really hard for her. But it’s been hard for me too, and I just… I just want to understand if I did something that was driving her away before it all started. If the reason she forgot me is because…” She paused, feeling her heart drop in her chest at that moment. “Because she wanted to.”

She fucking **hated** that the thought had even come to her, but she couldn’t deny it once it implanted itself in her brain. Laura obviously hadn’t planned the accident, or the aftermath, but if she **had** wanted out… well, this was a pretty good way to go.

She nervously glanced around, the sinking feeling in her gut becoming heavier and heavier as the moments of silence ticked by. The trio of redheads stared at each other, eyes uneasy before finally turning back to her as she swallowed hard and prepared for the worst.

“Why would she ever want to forget you, Carmilla?” Perry finally asked. “Laura was so happy with you. She was so excited about the future and all that the two of you would have. Together.”

Sighing heavily and steeling herself once more, she looked down at her hands, her fingers nervously moving the crumbling piece of oatmeal cookie back and forth between them.

“Fine, then if she didn’t say anything, is there a chance that maybe she felt that way and didn’t tell you guys?” she asked, slowly glancing around the three once again.

“Doubtful. Frosh can barely hold water. And even if she didn’t tell us everything, if there was something wrong, we would’ve known,” LaF said, their face taking on a seriousness rarely seen. “And you would’ve too.”

_You would’ve. You know this!_

“Well, then what the hell is it?” Carmilla asked, her voice exasperated as she finally set the fragmented cookie down beside her, ignoring the anxious look on Perry’s face at the possible mess. “There has to be an explanation.”

“There might not be, though,” Danny argued. “It might just be a fluke thing that her brain just shut off everything having to do with you.”

“But she didn’t shut off everything! She remembers stuff!”

A loud chorus of startled ‘whats?!” erupted around her and she realized that she may have been a touch pre-emptive with that statement.

“No,” she said, holding her hands in front of her to calm the excitement. “I don’t mean she **remembers everything**. But she does know some things. She… she remembers all these little one-offs, but they’re so small and insignificant, and she doesn’t even seem to realize that she’s doing it.”

“Well, like what?” LaF asked, scratching thoughtfully at their chin.

“Like… she somehow knows I hate mushrooms. She knows how to waltz and how to play chess, things that I taught her. We danced to the song I taught her to after a dinner date we had before I left town. She knows which of my t-shirts to wear when she’s going to make a mess of herself and the ones she’s already ruined in the past. She knows to pack something to remind me of her when I leave town, just like she always has. She knows the one Christmas song that I like and that she always makes me dance to. She knows…”

_Exactly how to kiss me and touch me and make me fall apart._

“Yeah? What? What else?”

“Nothing, just…” She shook her head, ridding herself of the thought. “I mean maybe all these things have something to do with why it’s just me!”

She looked around, the three sharing another curious look before facing her again, shrugging, apparently at a loss.

“So a handful of random shit and nothing? That’s just it? No rhyme or reason?” she scoffed. “Of course. This was a waste of time.”

“Wait, hold on. Maybe not,” LaF said before looking around the room. “Has anyone else noticed anything?”

“Well, she did say something a few weeks ago that I found rather odd,” Perry started, her brow furrowing as she did. “She mentioned something about how you like those little bacon and potato quiches I make. I didn’t understand how she knew that at the time but, well, it was rather strange.”

Carmilla’s eyebrow quirked at the information, curious. _What is it with Laura and food?_

“Oh! She said something that day I met her for coffee,” Danny added. “They were having some sort of art exposé at the time and there was a painting on the wall near our table. She said something about how it specifically looked like one of yours.”

“So? There are paintings hanging in our house, I’m sure she can see similarities between artists.”

“Okay, fine,” Danny piped up again. “When we had game night, I think you were in the bathroom, but she mentioned some restaurant in Chicago that had ‘the best pizza ever.’ Have you guys talked about the greater Chicago area’s restaurants in depth?” The taller girl’s eyes narrowed, daring her to argue.

“Okay… I… maybe-”

“Oh,” Perry interrupted. “The day she and I spent together, when she bought you that Christmas ornament, she said something about getting you a new set of pencils. And when we asked the girl at the art store, she knew the ones that you prefer, but they were out of stock.”

“Maybe… maybe she dug through my art stuff?” _Okay, these are just getting weirder and weirder._

“She also called me on Halloween. It was… well, it was when she was still trying to come to terms with everything that happened with Danny,” Perry said uncomfortably and Danny had the decency to look embarrassed. “But I was making caramel apples for the neighborhood children, and she asked if I made any with the graham cracker crust if I could save one for you since they’re your favorite.”

“Well, I never got one, so **clearly** you didn’t,” Carmilla grumbled.

“Have you possibly mentioned any of these things to her? Like, just off-handedly?” Danny asked.

“No! I mean, sure, she’s asked me things about myself, but despite her love of food, we haven’t gone into favorite holiday treats or why Gino’s East has the best deep dish ever.” Eyes eager, her gaze flicked between Perry and Danny. “I… I really don’t know why she would just **know** any of this.”

“Well-”

“Whoa, hold on, you guys are spinning,” LaF interrupted, holding their hands up. “Look, I’m sorry, but just because she knows these things… well, that doesn’t mean she’s going to remember everything. I mean, I’m not saying she won’t, but what she’s remembered, in relation to the big picture… you have to admit that it’s a slim bet.”

Carmilla sighed heavily, turning back to the short-haired ginger.

“That’s not why I’m-”

“But that does not mean it’s not possible,” Perry zealously argued, eyes wide. “This could be a sign!”

“No, LaF’s right,” Danny sighed. “And, it sucks, but… I mean, I thought you were okay with this, Karnstein? I thought you were okay with the fact that Laura wasn’t going to remember, and that this was your life now.”

“It’s not that. I… Goddamnit you guys, you all know that I love her more than anything in this world. I don’t care if she ever remembers anything. I’m not waiting for her to wake up one day and suddenly know every detail of the last seven years, because that’s not going to happen and that’s not why I’m here! That’s not why I brought any of this up! I just… fuck, I need to understand why she only forgot me. I mean, she could’ve forgotten anyone or anything else. And, I know she didn’t make the conscious decision to tag me out, but… well, I just… I thought, maybe, all of these little things… ugh, nevermind”

She sighed heavily, staring at her lap, and trying to calm herself back down as silence overtook the room for a long moment. She’d sworn she wasn’t going to get her hopes up and she’d done it anyway. She’d thought this might lead to an answer and it was most likely just a complete fluke. This was hopeless. There wasn’t an explanation.

_Luck of the fucking draw._

“Hold on.” Somehow LaF’s voice sounded louder than normal within the four walls, startling the other three to quickly look at them. “You’re right, she didn’t make the conscious decision. And these things that she’s remembered, they may be small, and I’m not saying she’s going to remember everything-”

“I just said that’s not why I’m here!” Carmilla interrupted. “She’s not getting her memory back!”

“But…” they continued unphased, their face thoughtful and pausing for so long that Carmilla nearly fell off of her chair. “Maybe she’s not **remembering** things. Maybe she never forgot. What if… what if she **couldn’t** shut you completely out? What if something held on?”

“So because she has a fascination with food, she subconsciously held onto some of my eating habits? That’s ridiculous!”

“It’s not. And it’s not just the food. The chess and the waltzing… those were things **you** taught her. Things that were special because they were things the two of you shared.”

“We shared a lot of shit, LaF, come on!”

“Well, what about the painting thing?” Danny asked, her face challenging.

“Again, I will reiterate that some artists share the same fucking style!”

“No, she was talking about one in particular, and if I remember correctly, it was one that got packed up for storage when you guys moved.”

“Well, maybe **you’re** confused,” she argued.

“No, I’m not. Besides, she always memorized everything you created, down the last detail, Karnstein. She bragged about you to anyone who would listen. She was **proud** of you,” Danny continued.

“What does her being proud of me have to do with any of this?” Carmilla growled.

“Because she still **is**!” Danny practically yelled. “That hasn’t changed! It didn’t go away!”

“Lawrence, generally people don’t forget when they’re proud of something! Again, I ask, why does this matter?”

“Ugh, you are such a pain in the ass.”

“Fine!” LaF interrupted before Carmilla could snap back. “What about the t-shirt thing? You said she knows which shirt specifically to wear when she’s going to make a mess. But she used to steal all of your t-shirts constantly.”

“She still does,” Carmilla shrugged. “Every day there’s like a fifty-fifty chance that she’ll put one on at some point just because. She’s worse about it now than she was before she got hurt.”

“Exactly! That habit didn’t stop with the accident. She showed up in a Johnny Cash one when she met Danny and I for coffee like two weeks after she got out of the hospital. And that was when you guys were still in that weird limbo stage, you weren’t even ‘dating’ yet.”

“She said she accidentally put it on,” Carmilla argued, trying to forget the warmth that moment had generated in her stomach all those months ago.

“So what about that fifty-fifty chance on the daily?” LaF countered with a small grin and Carmilla sighed heavily as she rolled her eyes. “You know why she used to wear them, right?”

Carmilla merely shrugged, looking around the room as all three gingers shook their heads in sync.

“We used to give her shit about it all the time,” Danny laughed. “She couldn’t name a single song by the Ramones and her knowledge of The Smiths was pretty limited. But she’d always show up to meet us in these shirts. And she’d never cop to the real reason she was wearing them. It was always ‘laundry day’ or ‘a mistake’ or ‘she was in a hurry.’”

“She finally admitted one day, about a year ago, that it was because it made her feel closer to you,” Perry said with a smile before motioning towards LaF and Danny. “It made those two tease her even more, but… I personally thought it was very sweet.”

Carmilla let that sit with her for a moment, as the thought had never occurred to her. It was a habit Laura had had for as long as they’d lived together, and, as she’d always thought the shirts looked better on Laura anyway, she never minded.

“I didn’t know that,” she finally said, her voice a little softer.

“Maybe the reason she’s doing it now more than ever is because the two of you have had this block between you,” LaF offered eagerly. “If this still makes her feel close to you, whether she realizes it or not, maybe it’s her way of getting back to what you guys had.”

Carmilla shook her head and looked away, once again second guessing her choice to come here. As sweet as the thought was, she wanted answers about why, not theories on something that was impossible.

“Carm, even those these things are small, maybe she didn’t block you out as much as you think,” LaF said. “Maybe Per’s right. Maybe there’s a small chance that she’ll get some of her memories back. I mean, I’m not trying to get your hopes up but-”

“LaF, for the last time, that’s not why I’m here!”

“I know, but, Carm, what if she didn’t really **forget** you?  What if you’re still there, deep in the recesses of her mind, but she separated everything having to do with you out for some reason?”

“Which is exactly what I want to know!” she cried.

“But all these little things that have popped up…” LaF continued as if they hadn’t heard her. “The songs and the food and the little things she just **knows** about you… maybe it’s you slowly creeping back in. Maybe-”

“No! That’s… she may have somehow retained this handful of random things but they clearly don’t have anything to do with why I’m all that’s missing! She’s not going to remember! What part of that are you three lackwits not understanding?” she growled, running a frustrated hang through her hair. “I’m **not** here hoping for a damn miracle!”

“Ugh, fine, you’re here because want to understand why she only blocked you,” LaF sighed, folding their hands in front of them.

“Yes!”

“And we’ve **clearly** discovered that these things she does know were all positive associations with you. If she **wanted** to forget you, I’m assuming she would only remember bad things.”

“Like how obstinate and argumentative you can be,” Danny added with a fake smile.

“Maybe you **should** go,” Carmilla snarled.

“But as we’ve also established, dear, she didn’t want to forget you. She loved you, Carmilla,” Perry added pointedly.

“So if she didn’t want to forget me, then what?” She heard the desperation in her voice but she didn’t care anymore.

She saw Perry and Danny both shrug, obviously at a loss. But LaF… she watched the lightbulb slowly turn on behind their eyes, their face turning thoughtful as they swiveled towards her in their seat.

“Maybe it’s not anything you did or didn’t do, Carm. Maybe something else was going on with her.”

“Like what?”

“Well, the day of the accident, did anything odd happen?”

“No,” Carmilla answered, quickly replaying the day in her mind. “We talked on the phone that morning. It was a shorter conversation than normal because I was running late, but I promised I’d call her later after everything was done for the day. And then, later came and went, but I was still working so I didn’t call when I was supposed to. And she ended up calling me instead. I just never heard my phone ring, so I didn’t answer.”

“Did she leave a message or anything?”

“Um… yeah. Yeah, she was on her way home from the airport. She made a lame Laura joke about my voicemail because she hadn’t heard it in months. And then she said she just wanted to hear my voice and that she loved me. And she hoped I was okay.”

“But did she sound upset or anything? Because when she called us, something was definitely wrong.”

“No, not upset, but… well, maybe kind of anxious,” she shrugged. “What do you mean something was wrong though?”

“Just, something was definitely off. She called us on her way home and we invited her over, remember, Per?” Perry just nodded. “And… she was talking about how sad she was and how much she missed you. She sounded absolutely miserable.”

“That’s right. I do remember her being far more morose about not seeing you than normal,” Perry added.

“Well, she’s never been super fond of us being apart. But what does that have to do with anything?” Carmilla asked, desperately glancing back and forth between the two.

“Well, maybe it was more than just being apart,” LaF said, working through whatever puzzle was forming in their brain. “What about while she was gone? Anything weird?”

“No. She seemed fine and we had the same routine as always.”

“Okay, keep going back.  Anything unusual the day before the trip?”

“No, nothing. She… well, I was already awake when she woke up that morning. She… convinced me to come back to bed, and we stayed there pretty much all day.”

“Gross.”

“And there was nothing at all out of the ordinary? The whole day?” LaF continued, ignoring Danny’s side commentary.

“I mean… she did seem a little more antsy than normal as the day wore on. But I just figured it was because of the trip. That week was the first time we were both going to be out of town in over a year, and it was the longest we were going to go without seeing each other in… well, I honestly can’t remember.”

“Are you sure?” they pressed.

“What in the hell are you getting at, LaF?” she cried, the irritation seeping into her voice.

“Just something was going on the day of the accident. She may have been fine when you talked to her that morning, but from then until she called us, something had gotten under her skin,” they answered eagerly. “So between that and being antsy the day before the trip, obviously something was up. What… What about the day she left for the trip? Did she say anything to you or do anything odd?”

Carmilla looked away, her brow furrowed in concentration, trying to remember Laura’s exact words from that day.

“She had an early flight so I walked her down to the car. I’d just loaded her suitcase into the trunk and she grabbed ahold of me. She said she’d miss me and that she loved me and then she kissed me. And…” She paused, trying to remember anything else. “She told me to drive safe. She wanted me to take the jeep down instead of the bike but-”

“Oh my god… that’s…” LaF trailed off, their eyes widening just so as the final pieces clicked into place.

“What?” she pleaded, a sudden uncomfortable weight settling in her chest.

“That accident on the highway this past spring! The one that scared the absolute crap out of her!”

Carmilla swallowed hard and looked away as she thought back, remembering the utter chaos she’d come home to.

It was mid-May and she’d been out of town once again for work. She was only going to be gone for two days so it wasn’t a super long, drawn out goodbye between her and Laura, and the brief time they’d been apart, they talked and texted just like always.

She’d gone to the shoot the second day, realizing too late that she hadn’t fully charged her phone, a rookie mistake in her fiancée’s book. But she’d been able to fire off a quick text to the younger girl just as she was getting on the road that afternoon, letting her know she was on her way. She’d thought nothing of it after that, simply driving along, looking forward to her own bed next to the woman she loved that night. And she was making pretty good time, or she was until she hit a small snag on the highway back. It had taken hours to get through the mangled mess of traffic, and she knew Laura would probably be worried that it had taken her far longer than it should have. But she never expected to come home, open the door, and find their house full of all of their friends, and Laura in full on panic mode.

The smaller girl had immediately ran to her as the door shut, wrapping herself around her fully as the tears had started to stream down her face. Carefully putting her own arms around the younger girl, she looked around at the relieved faces of their friends, thoroughly confused.

“Good to see you too, cutie.”

“Where in the hell have you been?” Laura demanded, finally pulling away but still gripping tightly to her t-shirt, her teary eyes furious, teeth clenched.

“There was a lot of traffic on the way back.”

“And your phone is turned off because…?” she pushed.

“Ugh, I forgot to charge it. It died not long after I told you I was leaving. I didn’t think it would be a big deal though.”

“You jerk! I thought… I thought…” But she gave up, her arms desperately winding around Carmilla’s waist once again, leaving a trail of tears into the shoulder of her shirt as she sobbed.

Once more, she looked up to their friends, who all looked a little upset as well, but also, somehow relieved.

‘What’s going on?’ she mouthed in their direction, hoping someone would fill her in.

“The traffic was from a pretty nasty accident,” LaF said quietly as they pulled Perry close. “And… there was a bike involved. Same make as yours.”

“Oh.” She looked around, now understanding the worry but… _Isn’t this taking it a bit too far_ , she thought as she looked from one set of frightened eyes to the next. “Well, I mean, I’m sorry, but-”

“There were multiple fatalities,” Mel interrupted, her voice angry. “It’s been all over the news for hours.”

“And she hasn’t been able to get ahold of you,” Kirsch added softly.

_Oh shit._

“Fuck. Laura, I’m sorry,” she said, pulling back just enough to look into the other girl’s red rimmed eyes, the guilt at that moment ripping viciously into her gut. “I’m so sorry, cupcake. I swear I didn’t know and… oh god, come here.” She pulled the smaller girl back in, holding tight as Laura’s tears continued to fall.

Laura had clung to her that whole night and most of the next day, still furious and spouting off this and that before wrapping herself around her, and burying her face back into Carmilla’s neck, unwilling to let go despite her anger.

Carmilla had felt horrible for scaring the tiny brunette, but she hadn’t done it on purpose. And she honestly hadn’t thought of it again after a few days had passed. She’d gotten a charging station installed on the bike, at Laura’s insistence, and things had slowly returned to normal.

“She hung up with us like five minutes before that truck hit her car. And she said that she’d just tried to get ahold of you, but you didn’t answer. She… she sounded worried,” LaF said, sagging ever so slightly into their chair.

“But she knew where I was!” Suddenly that weight in her chest tripled, nearly pulling her down to the floor as it descended.

“It scared her, Carm. And I didn’t think about it when she called but… the way she was talking…”

“What?” Carmilla pressed. “What did she say?”

“She knew she was being dramatic, but she wanted  to get it out. She said something about how she didn’t know what she’d do without you. That she didn’t know how she’d live without you. And something about… ugh, what did she say, Per?”

“That she never wanted to know a world without you in it,” Perry answered quietly, her own eyes sad.

_Jesus._

“So what does that mean? She… she blocked me out because she was scared of losing me?!” The idea was so completely farfetched, and yet…

“Carm, she was terrified something had happened to you earlier this year. And if that was in her mind at the time, if she was really that worried about losing you, it’s possible that that’s why you’re the only one she’s missing.”

“LaF, that makes absolutely no sense!”

“Yes, it does! Traumatic events have an impact. A big one. I’ve been reading about this stuff for months now and, dammit, why didn’t I see this before?”

“See what?”

“That whole thing… last spring and her thinking she lost you and worrying about you since then any time you took the bike out… if that fear caused the disassociation, then that’s it! By the time she woke up in the hospital, you were gone from her mind!”

_But… no… I…_

“And,” LaF continued, their voice much softer, “I mean, that whole thing… Carm, we know how much you love her. And we know that no one in this world knows her better than you. I just… I don’t think you realize just how much it scared her.”

“But… I mean, she was fine after a few days,” she argued. This couldn’t be it. **She** couldn’t be the reason Laura had been put in this position.

“How many times did you guys take the bike out this summer?” Danny asked quietly.

“I mean, not a lot but… well, we were busy with work… and the wedding and… fuck.”

How had she not noticed this before? Sure, Laura hadn’t been a huge fan of the bike when she’d initially gotten it a little over two years earlier, but she’d slowly come around. And after Carmilla had finally convinced her to come along for a ride a few weeks after she’d purchased it, Laura had held tight to her waist and laughed loudly the entire time. The smaller girl still gave her guff about it from time to time, but was never quick to turn down a ride during those gorgeous sunny days.

The previous summer’s rides had greatly dwindled in frequency, and looking back, Carmilla had noticed that Laura hadn’t laughed as often as they took the twists and turns. But she still kept their bodies pressed together at every juncture and held tight. Sometimes…

_Too tight. Oh god, she got hurt and…_

“This is all my fault,” she said, her voice almost inaudible.

“Carm, no! That’s not what I’m saying at all! I just meant the thought of losing you earlier this year absolutely terrified her. Between keeping that worry inside and getting hurt, it might’ve made the perfect storm,” LaF said, eyes eager. “I just… you wanted to know why. This could be it.”

“Dammit, why didn’t I just agree to take the fucking jeep!” Carmilla growled, completely ignoring the argument. She stomped off of her stool, pacing back and forth from one end of the kitchen to the other, fists clenched at her sides, jaw taut in anger. “I did this.”

“Come now, Carmilla, you can’t blame yourself for this.”

“But if I’d have just-”

“Karnstein, you didn’t do this!” Danny stepped in, eyes hard, stopping Carmilla in her tracks as she met them. “Yes, she was worried about you. And yes, that whole thing this past spring scared the absolute shit out of her. But you didn’t do anything to hurt her. It… it was an accident.”

“Yeah, an accident that I completely ignored how she felt about!” She grabbed onto the counter, eyes downcast, knuckles tight.

 _You broke her._ **_You_ ** _broke her!_

“Carm, stop! Look, this may or not be it,” LaF argued. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s happened… it’s done. And yes, it’s unfortunate that she lost the last seven years of her life with you. But, I mean, come on. You’ve been next to her every step of the way since! You haven’t given up on her! I know it’s hard but-”

“She’s worth it,” Carmilla interrupted. “She will **always** be worth it.”

And that was true. Laura was the love of her life and she’d do anything for her for as long as she could.

 _But that’s_ **_not_ ** _true. She asked you not to take the bike. She asked you more times than you can count and you ignored her!_ she thought as she stared down at her fists, pushing down the ache that had taken over her entire body. _If you just would’ve listened, you wouldn’t be in this mess! And you wouldn’t have hurt her. It’s all your fault._

* * *

**_Present_ **

“Are you okay?” Carmilla asked quietly from where she leaned against the corner of the wall on the other side of the room. She watched Laura, sitting on the couch, staring down at her hands, looking so small and…

_Hurt. You hurt her again._

Laura had stayed quiet the entire time, which was more than surprising. And it worried her. A quiet Laura Hollis was never a good thing. She’d expected questions at rapid fire and angry accusations. Maybe even some good old fashioned yelling. But, now that the story was done, and she’d admitted everything, the silence was unnerving her even more.

“Laura…?”

She watched the smaller girl close her eyes, her fingers clenching back and forth in front of her.

Heaving a deep sigh, she pushed herself off the corner of the wall and slowly moved further into the room, edging closer and closer before carefully sitting on the trunk in front of the tiny brunette, leaning in but not touching.

“Laura… I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about going to your friends,” she said, her voice remorseful. “I wasn’t trying to hide this or anything like that. All these little things that you’ve remembered, I thought maybe there was a connection. And I went to them because I thought they might know something that I didn’t. I just…”

“You just what?” she asked quietly, eyes refusing to meet Carmilla’s.

“I just wanted to try and find some answers first before I approached you about it. And… I didn’t want you to find out about it from them. I asked that they let me talk to you first. I should’ve known they couldn’t keep their damn mouths shut. But… either way…”

She watched the younger girl blink slowly, her jaw clenching tightly, but staying silent.

“Look, I know I’m a shit and I should’ve just told you right from the get go. I… I’m sorry. For everything. It’s… it’s all my fault,” she trailed off, looking away, guilty.

“That’s… no, it’s not all your fault,” Laura quietly countered.

Carmilla’s gaze quickly moved back, eyes eager, her heartrate speeding up.

“Or… at least me losing my memory isn’t.”

_What?!_

“What does that mean?” she asked nervously. It **was** all her fault.

“Carmilla,” she started, her voice uneven. She cleared her throat once before trying again. “I understand why you have these questions. I understand that you just want some answers.”

“I do! But that didn’t give me the right to go about it the way that I did,” she argued.

“You’re right, it didn’t.”

_Oh fuck._

She watched as Laura finally looked up, her eyes a combination of hurt and fury, and Carmilla felt it hit right in the center of her chest.

“It…” Laura started once again, taking a deep breath. “It seems you’ve been going about a few things the wrong way lately.”

And suddenly, this wasn’t just about the accident anymore. There was more here that she wasn’t seeing.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, her brow furrowing as she felt her own defenses start to kick in. Yes, she’d screwed up. She was the reason they were in this mess to begin with and she’d gone behind Laura’s back looking for answers. But she’d been trying so hard to do right by her girlfriend for months now!

“My friends didn’t tell me about today. I didn’t know you went to see them. I haven’t even talked to any of them in… days.”

“Oh! Okay, well… look, I get that you’re pissed now, and rightfully so,” she said eagerly. “But, then why were you upset when you got home?”

“Because I did run into someone this afternoon.”

“Yeah?” She quickly wracked her brain, trying to come up with anything else she could’ve possibly done that would deserve the true Laura Hollis Wrath that was sitting on the horizon.

“Janet Long…”

She felt her brow furrow even deeper as she stared back into those furious brown eyes, her confusion growing.

“And…?”

Laura’s sigh echoed into the room as she shook her head and looked away.

“I obviously didn’t know who she was right away. She… she looked kind of familiar, but I just couldn’t place her. So… go ahead and add that to the list of ‘weird crap Laura remembers but can’t figure out,’” she snipped.

_And another blow._

“Laura, come on, that’s… cupcake, I’m not keeping score here,” she tried, hating how hard the smaller girl’s gaze was. “I only went to your friends because I wanted to find out why I’m all that’s gone.”

“I know. And again, I understand that, but…” She trailed off once more, looking down at her hands, still tight in her lap. “Today, she um… she said you’d called to postpone the wedding. And then-”

“Originally, yeah, I did,” she eagerly interrupted. “But then I called her and told it was off. I… I’m sorry. I know I should’ve canceled everything right away. I just, I don’t know. I thought we might still-”

“Carmilla, that’s not what I’m getting at,” she said, her voice frighteningly even. “I can understand why you initially called to say we might need more time. And, honestly, I can even understand canceling everything. I mean, even if that’s where we want to end up someday, we have a lot of ground to cover first. I just…” She watched the smaller girl’s gaze move up to hers, the storm behind her eyes brewing larger and larger with each second that ticked by. “When did you call her?”

_Why the hell does this matter?_

Carmilla hadn’t come to the decision lightly. She’d fought herself about it since she’d initially pushed the wedding back. But it was a decision **she** had to make. Laura wasn’t ready for anything, including getting married, and though it was a hard pill to swallow, it was one she had to accept.

“The first time was before you came home from the hospital,” she answered, her posture sagging, head falling, eyes downcast. “I thought that maybe you just needed some time. That if your memory came back, we could always try to go with the original plan, but just in case…”

“And the second call?” Laura pushed after she trailed off.

The moment of silence that followed seemed to stretch on for far longer than necessary, the quiet around them strained and tense, ready to shatter at the smallest misstep.

“It was the day after you bolted,” Carmilla finally answered, her voice defeated. “After you ran to LaF and Perry’s.”

“So, I was conscious for both,” Laura said, her tone mocking.

“What?” She snapped her gaze back to the tiny brunette, suddenly finding her own anger fighting to the surface. “Laura, what the hell are you getting at here?”

_I did the right thing and now I’m getting shit for it?_

“And when you called her…” she continued, ignoring the question. “You told her the wedding was off. And you told her that we were over,” Laura said, her voice breaking ever so slightly on that last word.

“I don’t remember the conversation word for word, Laura,” she answered, shrugging. And that was the truth. She’d lost the love of her life and she was heartbroken. “It wasn’t the most pleasant phone call I’ve ever made.”

“But you said it,” Laura pressed.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I said that the wedding wasn’t going happen. I mean, it wasn’t. It’s not.”

Another moment of silence passed, somehow even more charged, a bomb just waiting to explode.

“Look, I don’t want to make this worse. I know that I messed up that day. I know running out was a terrible mistake and that it only made things between us more complicated. And, I know I hurt you, and I **hate** that I did. But… I just… I can’t believe you did this,” she said with an incredulous huff.

“You can’t believe I did what?”

“You just quit,” Laura said, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I had **not** quit!” she countered, eyes earnest.

“Yes, you did. And… you did it all without ever saying a word to me. That’s… that’s why I’m upset,” she said, her tone once again even and lifelessness. “You didn’t talk to me.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Carmilla asked with her own huff, gaze skeptical.

“I don’t know. How about ‘hey, cupcake, you know how people keep saying that I’m your fiancée? Well, we need to talk about that.’”

She felt her eyes roll as she shook her head, doing everything she could to keep herself in check.

“Laura, you ran out of the house because you freaked out and wanted to get away from me.”

“I didn’t want to get away from **you**! But I needed to figure out how I felt about all of this and how in the hell I was going to get through it. How I was going to get to the point to tell you that even though I still wanted you, I needed more time.”

“Well, then I did you a favor. I canceled the wedding and gave you time,” she said, her voice taking on that gruff tone she so rarely used with the smaller girl.

“That’s not… ugh, no. That’s not the same thing, Carmilla. Look, again, I know we are not ready to get married. That’s **not** why I’m upset. I just… was it really that easy for you to just give up and never say anything?” she pleaded.

“I wasn’t giving up! Laura, you had no feelings for me.”

“That’s not true! I did have feelings for you and you know it!”

The volume of their voices continued to rise with each trade-off, the mutual annoyance growing with each exchange.

“Laura, you had an innocent little crush on me,” she finally scoffed. “That does not a fiancée make.”

“You are infuriating!”

***

“You are infuriating!” she exclaimed, standing up and stomping to the other side of the room, combing her hands through her hair in complete aggravation. She looked up, taking in the irritated expression on Carmilla’s face and huffed once more.

“What the hell? I know I deserve some shit today for not telling you about the LaF and Perry visit beforehand. And you have every right to be pissed about the accident. But how did this turn into a fight about a wedding that you have never even asked about? About a wedding that you agree we’re not ready for?” Carmilla pushed, standing and turning to face her, her own hands gesturing erratically.

“It’s not a fight! It’s a heated discussion!” she argued. “And it’s not about the damn wedding! I’m upset because you were ready to just walk away! You were done! You made a choice and you didn’t even bother to **talk to me** first! You just did it!”

“Are you serious right now? Laura, I have been here, by your side, this whole time! I have never walked away from you!” she growled, stepping around the trunk, but keeping her distance.

“You were done! And I don’t know if it was because… because…” she squeaked and she hated that her voice had cracked again at that moment.

“Because what?”

_Oh god._

“That morning…” she hiccupped. “I knew I had made a huge mistake in running out! And I was so angry with myself because I was a coward and I knew that I’d hurt you!”

“Laura, why are we rehashing this now?”

“Because I need to understand! I…” She swallowed hard and briefly glanced away, blinking rapidly and attempting to gather herself before finding Carmilla’s own angry eyes. “Do you love me?”

She watched as Carmilla’s brow furrowed, her mouth falling slack.

“What kind of question is that?! You know I do!”

“No. I’m not talking about the me you’ve spent the last seven years with. I’m not talking about that Laura. I’m talking about the one standing in front of you, right now!”

“Laura, you are you! Why can’t you accept that?” Carmilla demanded back.

_Because what if that was why you gave up? What if the reason was because you didn’t want me without the memories?_

“Did you see me as me when you called to cancel? Did you see me as the same when you gave up on us?”

“I **didn’t** give up!” Carmilla all but yelled, teeth clenched. “Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because you did! You said it yourself!” she fumed. “And, apparently, you told our wedding planner that we ‘weren’t going to work out’ before you even told me!”

“Now wait a goddamn minute! I didn’t tell her that **we** weren’t going to work out!” she argued, pointing back and forth between the two of them. “I may not remember that shitty conversation word for word but I didn’t say that. I said the **wedding** wasn’t going to work out and I was fucking right! And not because I didn’t want to be with you or because I saw you as a different person or any other bullshit reason! It wasn’t going to work out because you weren’t in love with me anymore!”

Laura paused, taken aback, replaying the conversation from earlier that day in her head.

_“She didn’t go into specific details. She simply said that considering the circumstances, it wasn’t going to work out.”_

“Wait, so you didn’t tell her we were over?” she asked desperately, the burning behind her eyes getting stronger.

“No!”

“But… well…” _It doesn’t matter what she said, she still never told you!_ “You still made a choice!” she cried, her anger at the original issue surging back. “And in making that choice, you never said a word to me!”

“Oh my god, no, I didn’t say a word to you! You’re right. Maybe because I didn’t want to deal with more panicked hysteria!”

“What?! Panicked hysteria?!”

“Yes! It just would’ve freaked you out and, quite frankly, I wasn’t feeling super enthusiastic about watching you run away again!”

“Oh, that’s a low blow, Carmilla.”

“Maybe it is. But, dammit, Laura, up until then, everything scared the shit out of you,” she said, taking a deep breath and lowering the volume of her voice. “And yeah, I really thought I had lost you completely at that point. I had no reason to think otherwise. So I made a decision and I didn’t tell you.”

“And today at LaF and Perry’s? Why couldn’t you have said something to me before that? God, this is my life too, you know?” she cried.

“I know. And I will fully take the shit storm you want to divvy out right now for that because I deserve it. I should’ve told you before I talked to them. I should’ve been honest and then I wouldn’t have had to deal with LaF trying to take my equipment apart because I let them borrow a goddamn camera!”

“This isn’t a joke, Carmilla,” she snapped.

“I’m aware of that. But, Laura, I thought that if on the off-chance, you had said something to them before the accident… if you had really wanted out and they knew about it… well, if you weren’t there, it would’ve been easier, for everyone.”

“For as happy as everyone says we were, you seem to have a lot of opinions on reasons I might leave you.”

“Okay, now **you’re** acting like a shit,” she growled.

“Carmilla!” she warned.

“Look, I know that this hasn’t been easy for you and that my insecurities about you not staying here haven’t helped anything. I know that I’ve made you doubt yourself and who you are… and doubt us, and I’m sorry for that. I’m so sorry! I hate that I’ve made you feel this way and that I’ve made things harder. But, dammit, it hasn’t been easy for me either.”

“I’m well aware that you drew a short straw in all of this! But you can’t do this, Carmilla! You can’t go around trying to find answers about me without me there. You can’t go around making decisions about us without ever talking to me. That’s not how this relationship is supposed to work and that’s… that’s why I’m so pissed at you!”

“You’re right! Not including one another has never been part of our agenda. I know I should’ve talked to you about my visit to your friends. And… maybe I should’ve talked to you about the wedding!” she conceded, her gaze falling away. “But I was between a rock and hard place, and I made a choice.”

“You chose to give up because I wasn’t me!” she yelled.

“What did I just say! I **never wanted** to give up and, goddamnit, Laura, you are you!”

“But you were willing to! That morning, when I tried to talk to you and explain everything, you were willing to let me go!”

“Because I wanted you to be happy!” Carmilla growled.

“And I wanted **you**!” she cried, her vision blurring as the tears finally spilled over.

Finally, it had all come full circle. It wasn’t about any choices Carmilla had made for them and what she had or hadn’t told Laura. It wasn’t about who loved who more. It wasn’t about Laura learning to trust herself again. It wasn’t about whether or not they would stay together after everything that happened. It was all of those things and so many more. It was all their insecurities and doubts that had been lingering below the surface for months, wrapped up in a package that they were both trying so desperately to mend. It was the past and the present and the future, all rolled together, and looking for a way to go on. It was the two of them, standing there, deciding whether or not they wanted to fight for each other. Whether or not they wanted to fight for their happy ending.

And Laura already knew what she wanted. She’d known all along. Even with all the uncertainties warring within her, telling her to do this or that, whether or not she wanted to be with Carmilla had never been a question.

She watched as the frustration on Carmilla’s face slowly melted, her eyes going soft around the edges as they stared at each other, the anger evaporating into the rafters.

“I wanted you,” she finally said, voice soft and wet. “Maybe it wasn’t the end of the world, can’t eat, can’t sleep, heartbreakingly amazing love that we had, but I wanted **you** , Carm.” She waited a beat, watching as Carmilla looked away, that doubtful expression taking over her features. “You can’t get mad at me for not being able to accept that I’m the same person if you’re not willing to accept the fact that I love you and that this is what I want. I know I screwed up but I never intended to let you go. And I didn’t want you to let me go either.”

“Laura… you weren’t in love with me anymore,” she said, defeated.

“Just because I wasn’t in love with you then didn’t mean that I didn’t want to love you. Carm, since the moment I saw you in that stupid hospital… there’s just been something there. Something that I can’t deny.”

“Laura, I… I was a stranger to you,” Carmilla sighed sadly. “There was nothing there.”

“That’s bull crap!” she cried. “You just went searching for a reason, a reason that it’s only you that’s gone. You did that because there’s always been something there. You did that because all of these little familiar things keep popping up. You did that because you wanted an answer and you thought these memories might give you one!”

She watched Carmilla look away again, the older girl’s jaw clenching ever so slightly, her fists following suit.

“Yeah, maybe I’ve lost a lot. But I obviously didn’t lose everything! There was… LaF’s right, and whether I realized it or not, something about you just wouldn’t leave my mind.”

“Yeah, and it was the really important things to remember too,” she scoffed.

“They are! It doesn’t matter how big or small, it’s something. And even if I didn’t know any of these things… even if I couldn’t remember a single thing about you, there’s still always been that pull.” She paused, watching as Carmilla’s eyes finally met hers, the dark-haired girl’s sadness matching her own and frantically pulling at her heart. “I am drawn to you for some inexplicable reason! I don’t know what it is or how to explain it or even if it’s really real! But there’s something deep inside of me that held on. Something that would not let you go.”

“Laura…” she sighed, running a hand through her hair as she looked away.

“What?” she asked desperately, hands worrying together in front of her, waiting a long moment and then… nothing.

Carmilla kept her gaze down, shoulders sagging, looking utterly exhausted and crushed.

“Please! You would’ve talked to me before, why can’t you now?” she asked desperately, stepping closer to her girlfriend. “If you really believe that I’m still me, then-”

“You are,” she interrupted, eyes finally meeting Laura’s, the sadness there so devastatingly aching that Laura almost had to look away. “You are you. You’re my Laura and you always will be. I…” Carmilla sighed heavily, collapsing back onto the trunk behind her, eyes falling to the floor at her feet. “Dammit, I fucked up. You’re right. I should’ve talked to you before I canceled. I just… I didn’t want to pressure you. I… I had already lost you. You didn’t want this.”

“But I’m still here,” she said, her voice cracking for a third time and she swallowed hard as more tears slowly slid down her cheeks. She cautiously stepped forward again, carefully sitting on the trunk next to her girlfriend, close but not touching. “You have to trust that as much as I want and need you, Carm, I can handle this stuff. It might not always be the most comfortable and easy conversation, but if we’re really going to be us again, then we need to talk.”

“I know. I… I didn’t want to end it, Laura,” she sighed. “I just thought it would be kinder to let you go than to force you to stay out of obligation.”

_Obligation?_

“Did you… did you choose to stay here by my side through all of this because you felt obligated?” she squeaked.

“No! Never,” Carmilla answered, looking up, eyes earnest.

“Well, I didn’t choose to stay out of obligation either,” she said, gently reaching up and tucking a wayward hair behind Carmilla’s ear, her fingertips lingering as the older girl ever so slightly leaned into her touch. “I want to be here, Carm. I want to be here with you.” She sighed sadly as the dark-haired girl looked away, but she wasn’t about to give this up. “Were you really so absolutely sure that we weren’t what the other needed?”

“I never said that’s why, Laura. I hate the idea of my life without you. You’re…” She waited quietly, watching Carmilla struggle with whatever was coming next, the older girl’s eyes falling away once more as she quietly uttered, “You’re it for me. But… I’d rather you be happy without me than miserable with me.”

“Carm, I love you. And this is where I want to be.”

But Carmilla didn’t respond. She just kept her head down, eyes focused on the floor, sagging in on herself. And Laura saw that same insecure little girl that she normally kept locked away, deep inside, surfacing more and more as the seconds ticked by.

Was this who Carmilla would’ve permanently become if Laura had left? Would they both have just become empty shells? Would they really both be able to live without the other?

_My god._

“You were really willing to walk away if it meant I’d be happy?” A shrug. “What… what if I would’ve let you? If I’d agreed with you and told you that we were over and that I didn’t want to try… what would you have done?”

She watched the older girl’s face somehow fall even further, the sight bringing more tears to her own eyes.

“I would’ve let you go,” she finally said, her voice low and dejected.

“But I would’ve missed out on so much with you!”

She watched Carmilla slowly turn those incredible dark eyes to her, the emotions there chaotically swirling around, so heartbreakingly sad.

“No, you wouldn’t have,” she said finally, her voice so disheartened but Laura saw exactly what she was trying to do.

“How do you know that?” she asked desperately, pushing. “How do you know what I would’ve done without you?”

_She still doesn’t know how incredible she is!_

“Because I know you. You’re strong and resilient.” She waited a long moment as Carmilla’s brow pulled together, her mouth opening and closing twice before she finally could get out what she wanted to say, and when she did, Laura swore her heart literally tore in two. “You would’ve been just fine without me.”

A fresh batch of tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and she felt her breath catch in her throat at that moment, the smothering feeling of complete sorrow overtaking her.

“But… what about you?” she asked with a sniffle. And to her utter despair, Carmilla merely shrugged again. “Dammit, Carmilla, you deserve to be happy too! You deserve so much more than that!”

The fact that Carmilla was willing to stay heartbroken and alone if Laura had wanted to end things… well, the thought absolutely gutted her. The fact that her girlfriend would’ve been willing to give up everything for Laura’s happiness and comfort… to watch her try to restart her life without the dark-haired girl at her side… to watch her maneuver through the different obstacles that were bound to be thrown at her… to watch her move on and possibly find someone else…

And she never would’ve known just how much she was really missing. She never would’ve known how much she could love this amazing girl.

_She loves me that much that she was willing to give up her own happiness if it meant I would be happy. But I love her now too, and she still can’t see._

“What?” Carmilla asked, turning her body towards her, clearly picking up on the shift.

“Carm, you know I love you right?” she asked, her eyes once again desperate.

“Yeah, I know,” she said quietly, looking down.

“I love you so you much. And I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I knew! I knew almost two weeks ago and I held it back because I didn’t want to hurt you if I was wrong. And I know even outside of that… I’ve still hurt you over these last few months.”

“Laura, you didn’t do anything intentional. The circumstances… I mean, they haven’t been great, but… we got more time together.”

“More time…?” She reached for the hand closest to her, sandwiching it between her own in her lap. “No, Carm, you need to hear me. Yes, this is new. And in an everyday, meet on the street, start out dating, and move on from there relationship, being as invested as I am would be unheard of. It would be crazy and stupid. And even if, despite our situation, it’s still crazy and stupid to want this, then that’s what I am. Yes, we ‘started over’ but there’s always been more there. There’s always been something between us. We have seven years of history and, whether or not I remember, that’s still a part of **us**. And it always will be.” She reached up, cupping the dark-haired girl’s cheek, Carmilla’s eyes staring into her own, the fear and doubt and hope viciously warring within them. “I know it’s hard because it’s been months but… I’m so in love with you that it’s driving me crazy. And I want you for forever, not just until the newness wears thin. This… this is where I will always want to be.”

She watched Carmilla study her for a long moment, eyes softening with each word, but still holding on to a piece of that protective wall. It didn’t matter. Laura was not going to give this up. They weren’t going to lose each other.

“I know it took you a while to see it all those years ago. I know it took time for you to really believe that I was in love with you and that we were going to be together. And I’m not going to push you but… I really need you to know that I mean it. I’ll happily remind you every day if I have to. I’ll do whatever you need to feel it… to know it.”

Carmilla still stared for a long moment, and Laura worried that this was far from over. Worried that Carmilla would just push her away and try to brush it all off. But then, the dark-haired girl reached up, slowly wrapping her hand around the nape of Laura’s neck, pulling her closer and resting their foreheads together.

“I can’t promise I won’t need those reminders,” she finally said, voice soft. “In fact, I’m almost positive they’re going to be a requirement for a while.”

“Every day it is,” Laura said, pressing closer, the corners of her lips just barely turning up. “And I really do love you, so much.” She slowly leaned in letting her lips brush against the older girl’s cheek, lingering there for a moment when Carmilla’s fingers gently moved up into her hair. “We’re going to get through this. I’m… I’m not letting you go.” She sighed as she felt some of the tension leave Carmilla’s hand in her lap, the older girl sagging just a little against her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. About… about all of it,” Carmilla finally said after a few long moments of silence.

“It’s okay, I understand. The wedding… it wasn’t a good time for us. And this morning… well, I know you didn’t do it to hurt me.”

“I never want to hurt you,” she said, pulling back just enough to meet Laura’s gaze, her own eyes eager.

“I know,” she nodded, and she really did. That had never even been a question. But there were still other questions. “Did you… did you guys think of any other reason besides that accident last spring that I may have blocked you out?” She hated the little flicker of hope that ignited in her chest at the thought of finally finding an answer, but she couldn’t deny it was there.

“No. It’s… it’s all my fault,” Carmilla said, her voice broken, pulling away again, leaving Laura’s side cold.

“Carmilla, no, that’s ridiculous. You didn’t do anything wrong!” She pulled Carmilla back with one hand, the other wrapping in her hair and gripping tightly. “LaF, Perry… Danny, they’re all right. This isn’t your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

“But-”

“No!” She immediately cut her off. This was not something they needed to hash out. “I get why I would’ve been worried. Even without remembering… if something like that happened now and I thought you were gone, it would destroy me, Carm. But that doesn’t mean you’re to blame.”

“But-”

“No!” she interrupted again, hands gripping tighter. “Just… no. I understand if that’s going to take you a while to accept but **I’m** not blaming you for this. You didn’t take my memories. You’ve… you’ve given me a whole new world, Carm. How many people get to say that about the person they love?”

Carmilla finally looked back up and Laura didn’t even bother to wait. She kissed her, softly but kept their lips pressed together as seconds turned to minutes, holding tight. When she finally pulled back, looking into those dark eyes, she still saw that worry. But she was determined to fight it with every ounce of her being if she had to because…

_I’m not losing her. And I’m not letting her destroy herself over this._

“Besides, it’s nice that I didn’t really lose everything,” she continued. “I just… I didn’t even realize that I’d just known any of those little things. I mean, playing chess, that was a pretty obvious one. And the waltzing… I guess that would be too, but everything else, it’s like… it’s like it’s there but for no reason.”

“I know.”

“So, I don’t even know if I’ll ever even realize if it happens again. And I don’t know what any of it means but, I just… I don’t want you to get your hopes up that maybe it’s all coming back,” she said, eyes sad.

“I’m not!” Carmilla argued, reaching up to cup Laura’s cheek. “I mean, is it nice that once in a while, you just know something about me or about us? Sure. But relationships are about getting to know someone. Knowing all those little things about them that you love or that drive you crazy or that make them this way or that. Even after seven years, with how well I know you, I wasn’t done learning yet.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“Laura, stop. It fucking sucks that you lost all that time, I know. But I’m not waiting for you to remember it all. Cupcake, I’m not here with you because I think one day you’ll wake up and it’ll all be there. I’m here because I love you. I’m here because you’re all I want.”

She waited another long moment, staring into Carmilla’s eyes, searching for anything hidden, but the truth was there, plain as day. It wasn’t about the memories. It was just the two of them, in love.

“Okay,” she finally whispered, sagging into her girlfriend more and more as the seconds ticked by. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight.”

“No, you have every right to be upset,” she said, her thumb ghosting along Laura’s cheek.

“And I’m sorry I never asked about any of the wedding stuff. That’s my fault, one-hundred percent. I just… I guess as you’ve told me stuff about all our years together… well, we started from the beginning.” She shrugged, her grip on Carmilla’s hand loosening as she let her fingers glide along the soft pale skin of her wrist just below her leather cuff. “I thought we had time and we’d get there when we did. There was no rush.”

“There still isn’t,” Carmilla said, her voice just as gentle.

“Well… how long have we been engaged?”

She watched Carmilla’s lips just barely turn up at the corners, her eyes softening even further, and Laura let herself completely melt into her touch.

“A little over a year.”

“Why did it take us so long?” She immediately heard the callousness behind the question and quickly backpedaled. “I mean, were we waiting for something or…?”

“No. We never even talked about it. I mean, it was just kind of a given that we wanted to be together.”

“How did it happen?”

“How did what happen?”

“How did we get engaged?” she asked, fingers moving upwards, now teasing at Carmilla’s elbow. “Did you ask me or did I ask you? Or did we just decide to do it one day?”

“No, it was me.”

“Tell me?” she gently pleaded.

“Oh, is it story time again?” Carmilla asked with a quiet chuckle, and it was music to Laura’s ears.

_I adore that sound._

“Well, I think we need something to even out the day,” she said with a shrug, smiling softly and pressing their foreheads together. “Please?”

* * *

**_One Year and Three Months Earlier_ **

“I don’t know…” Carmilla sighed, running her hand through her hair in frustration as she stared down into the brightly lit glass case in front of her. “I have no fucking clue.”

“Language, Carmilla,” Perry chastised from her right as Kirsch snickered behind her. She rolled her eyes at Miss Prim and Proper and wondered again why in the hell she had asked her to come today. “And that’s not true, you will find the right ring. Maybe you just haven’t seen it yet.”

“Or maybe every damn one looks the same and none of them are good enough for Laura.”

She’d been teetering on the edge for months since she’d decided to propose, trying to come up with the perfect way to do it. She’d pulled Sherman aside when he’d been in town visiting a month ago, right after their move into the condo, and after a few awkward moments of stuttering, which had him completely baffled, she finally spit out the question, and asked for his permission. She wasn’t quite sure why, but having his approval mattered to her more than she wanted to admit. _Probably because Laura thinks the world of him and he hasn’t hated me for a while. Best to keep it that way._ He’d stared at her for a minute, hard faced and making her sweat before cracking a small grin and nodding as he reached out to shake her hand, his grip tightening a little too hard. She quickly got the message.

“Well, what about one of these over here?” Perry suggested pointing to the glass case a few sections away from where she stood.

This was the third weekend she’d spent shopping and she’d lost count of how many jewelry stores she’d gone to. She’d started out with the big name, go-to’s, that seemed to be the obvious answer, and had slowly made her way to smaller and smaller shops when none of them had anything that grabbed her attention. Thus, leading her to invite Perry along to see if the redhead could maybe see something that she was missing. Kirsch had just happened to show up at the house, uninvited of course, when they were leaving, and had begged to let him tag along.

She shuffled over to where Perry stood, shoving her hands into her back pockets, and taking in the collection the redhead was pointing to before sighing once again. The rings there were beautiful, there was no question about it. But none of them were the right one. None of them looked like they belonged on Laura’s finger for the rest of their lives.

“Ugh, forget it. Let’s just go. This is hopeless.”

“Is there something in particular that you’re looking for?” The voice came from the middle-aged woman that had eyed them suspiciously when they’d walked into the shop, and rightfully so when Kirsch almost knocked over a display smack dab in the middle of the room thirty seconds later.

“Why, yes, thank you,” Perry chirped up with a smile. “You have a very lovely collection here but we’re looking for something a little less… generic.” Carmilla rolled her eyes when the woman huffed out incredulously, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Or just something more unique, dude,” Kirsch tried, only to receive the same response.

_Idiots._

“Look, these really are beautiful,” Carmilla sighed. “But… my girlfriend deserves something so special. Do you… do you have anything else that’s not out here?”

The woman seemed to take a moment as she considered Carmilla, looking her up and down before landing on her face, searching.

“What’s her name, dear?”

“Laura.”

“And how long have you been together?”

“Almost six years.”

“And what makes her so special?”

Carmilla smiled lopsidedly, glancing down for a moment as her mind flooded with all things Laura Hollis.

“Everything,” she said, shaking her head in amusement.

“That’s a very broad statement,” the woman countered, clearly unimpressed.

“Yeah, well, there’s no one else in this world like Laura. And even if I stood here all day, talking to you about her, it still wouldn’t do her justice.”

“Try,” she challenged, her eyes narrowing.

Carmilla stared back, nodding once when the woman didn’t look away.

“She’s… she’s incredible. She’s got the kindest heart of anyone you’ll ever meet and all she wants is to do the right thing. And to help the people she cares about, even if she shouldn’t. But once she’s on a mission, she will not be deterred, so there’s no point in arguing. She’s super inquisitive and always getting into trouble because of sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. And then when she’s trying to get herself out of said trouble, it’s always fun to watch because she plots and schemes, and usually just ends up digging herself into a much deeper hole. She’s absolutely brilliant and amazing at reading people, which means she knows exactly when to call me on my shit. And she’s scrappy, so she’ll keep fighting until the end. Of course, she also keeps fighting because she’s stubborn as hell. She’s her own person and what path she’s following is the one she’s created herself. It’s brave and stupid and miraculous. And I’m crazy about her.”

“That’s not the answer I was expecting,” the woman said, a small smile pulling at her lips. “I was waiting for ‘beautiful’ or ‘thoughtful’ or ‘sweet.’”

“She’s those things too, and a million more,” Carmilla agreed. “But she’s too unique to throw a generic label on. And if I did, she’d just tear it off anyway and tell me why labels are unfair and a part of the patriarchy and continue to argue fifteen other reasons why she’s not this or that. She’s just… Laura.”

The woman stared at her for another moment, her hard gaze still searching Carmilla’s face before slowly unfolding her arms from the front of her chest.

“Wait here for a moment.” Carmilla frowned as the woman elegantly spun on her heel and walked into the back of the shop without another glance.

She turned and looked to Perry and Kirsch, who both just shrugged at her and moved their gazes back towards where the woman had just vanished, watching and waiting. And thirty seconds later, she reappeared, wooden box in hand.

“I don’t keep these out here with the regular stock. They’re very special and all a little older. I believe the term you young people use is ‘vintage’. But, it sounds like you have a rather remarkable young lady. She deserves a remarkable ring.”

The woman opened the box, carefully pulling out three smaller ring boxes and opening each one as she set them down for Carmilla to see. They were all gorgeous in their own right, each one unique and unlike anything she’d seen in any of the stores she’d gone to. But the one on the right…

“That’s it,” Carmilla said, a small smile touching her lips as she stared. “That’s the one.”

“Are you sure, dear?” the woman asked, smiling softly.

_It’s perfect._

“Positive.”

“Very good. I’ll just be a moment and then we can talk sizing,” she said as she closed the other boxes and put them away. “I’ll be right back.”

Carmilla nodded her thanks and let a quick, relieved chuckle escape her throat. It was really happening. She was really going to do it. She was going to ask the love of her life to marry her.

Turning around, her smile dimmed and she rolled her eyes with a huff as she took in the sight of Perry and Kirsch, tears tracking uncontrollably down both of their faces.

“Dude,” Kirsch sniffled, wiping his nose with his fist like a child.

“It really is a beautiful ring, dear,” Perry said, dabbing at her eyes with an embroidered cotton hankie.

_Jesus._

* * *

**_One Month Later_ **

“Are you alright, Carm?”

She glanced up in surprise, seeing the concern in Laura’s eyes and swallowed hard.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

_On the verge of shitting my pants, but fine._

Today was the day and it felt like it had taken an eternity to get there. Of course, it didn’t help that every time she tried to plan it, something had gotten in the way. The first week it was an unscheduled trip to Toronto when Sherman came down with one of the first cases of that year’s horrible flu, which left him bedridden and unable to do anything for himself. The second week, Laura had brought the flu back with her, so they’d spent days and days fighting over who was less sick and, therefore, capable of running down to the corner store for more Pedialyte and ginger ale. The third week was spent getting life back to normal, the house clean, and waiting for another interruption to derail her. But now, as it seemed no other crisis’s were to be averted, it was time.  

She’d ran through all the possible options in her head over and over.

An expensive, fancy restaurant?

_Been there, done that. Far too generic._

Taking her on a surprise romantic vacation?

_A nice idea but not necessarily Laura’s taste._

With a nice dinner at home, just the two of them?

_Not nearly special enough._

Surrounded by their friends?

_Hard pass._

What it came down to was the fact that Laura wasn’t going to be expecting some elaborate plan. Carmilla didn’t even think that she suspected anything in the first place. She needed something simple, something them.

And that morning, with the recently turned fall leaves still clinging to the trees beneath the sunshine and the temperatures just warm enough to not be uncomfortable from being outside for too long, she’d convinced Laura to pull on her denim jacket and sneakers, and they’d made their way to the park where they’d spent so much time together over the last few years. She’d even planned ahead and brought a thermos of hot chocolate and a tin of Perry’s brownies for Laura to enjoy while they were out. They’d walked around for a bit before finding a spot to park themselves, and that’s how they’d spent the last hour, with Laura sat against a heavy oak, book in hand and Carmilla just a few feet away, facing her under the guise of wanting to draw.

“Are you sure?” Laura asked, setting her book aside and tucking back a hair that had fallen loose from her ponytail. “You’ve been super quiet today.”

“Because I’m normally such a chatterbox?” she smirked, her eyes going back to the pad leaning against her knee.

“No,” she giggled. “Just, you’ve been quieter than normal. Like all day. I just… I just want to make sure nothing’s wrong.”

“No, everything’s fine, cutie,” she answered with a chuckle as she glanced up. “Just focused I guess.”

“How’s it coming over there?” she asked, craning her neck up comically like she could actually see what was on Carmilla’s drawing pad from where she sat.

“I think I got some good stuff,” she said, looking down at the fancy lettering on the page in front of her that she’d been working on for the better part of the hour. _Now or never._ “You want to see?”

“Yeah,” she eagerly nodded with a smile.

Carmilla simply chuckled again and stood, flipping her book back a few pages to things that she’d created beforehand, and slowly walked over to the tree, the few leaves that had already fallen crunching under her boots. She crouched down next to the smaller girl, facing her as she handed over the pad, swallowing hard in anticipation.

Laura began her normal scrutiny, the same way she always did any time Carmilla shared her art, eyes wide as she took in every detail.

The first drawing was simple enough, depicting the little wooden bridge they always crossed over at some time during their stay at the park, the quiet stream running beneath it and the trees in the distance. With the second one, Laura’s lips turned up further at the corners, the page showing her, sitting exactly as she sat now, back against a tree, book in hand, the background soft and smudged so that the focus was on her.

Carmilla took a deep breath as Laura flipped to the final page she’d covered, the younger girl’s smile falling from her face, her eyes growing wide as she took in the words covering the paper.

_‘Laura, will you marry me?’_

She looked up at the dark-haired girl in surprise, mouth opening and closing rapidly for a full ten seconds before she finally got something out.

“Carm?”

Letting one knee fall to the ground, she looked down at the grass beneath her, biting at her bottom lip before looking back up and into those curious honey brown eyes that she adored.

“Cutie, I’m not even sure where to start or what I should say but… I love you, Laura. You’re the most amazing person in this world and I don’t want to go through this life without you or without you knowing how crazy I am about you. I just… I want you. I want forever.”

“You’re… you’re really asking?” Laura’s eyes somehow widened even further, her grip on the pad tightening so that the pages beneath her fingertips crinkled.

“I am,” she chuckled, her gaze searching the smaller girl’s. “Will you marry me?”

A beat passed and it felt like the longest moment in the world, stretching on and on before Laura’s face broke into a brilliant smile and she dropped the pad to her side.

“Yes!” she squealed, as she scrambled up and lunged at Carmilla, tackling her back into the grass in a fit of giggles and tears and kisses across her face. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Carmilla smiled up at her from her spot prone against the ground and reached up to cup her face in both hands.

“Really?” she chuckled.

“Did you seriously think I’d say no?!”

Carmilla simply shook her head, running her thumb along Laura’s chin, the smile above her so radiant and dazzling that she never wanted to look away.

With one last giggle, Laura leaned down, connecting their lips in a long kiss that was so tender and sweet it nearly broke Carmilla’s heart.

“I love you so much, Carm,” she said as they parted, her voice quiet, eyes shining. Carmilla kissed her once again, pushing upwards and onto her elbows, Laura’s weight still heavy and welcome against her.

“I love you too, cupcake.”

She left Laura straddling her lap as she awkwardly reached into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulled out the black velvet ring box that she’d been hiding in her nightstand for the past month. Opening it, she watched Laura’s smile once again fade for a moment into shock, and even though Laura couldn’t care less about jewelry, she knew she’d picked the right one.

“My god, Carm.”

“Will this work?” she chuckled.

“It’s gorgeous. It’s… it’s perfect.”

Pulling it out of the box and sliding it onto Laura’s finger, it really was perfect. It looked like that was exactly where it was supposed to sit. Laura smiled once more, tears still in her eyes as she lovingly took Carmilla’s face into her hands and pulled their lips together once more.

“I love you. I love you so much,” she whispered against her mouth, her kisses somehow both sweet and frantic at the same time. “And I can’t wait to marry you, Carm.”

_Me either, cupcake._

Carmilla simply smiled, letting her lips rest against her new fiancée’s.

* * *

**_Present_ **

Laura sighed at the feeling of Carmilla holding her close, fingers trailing up and down her lower back where her t-shirt had ridden up, the dark-haired girl’s heartbeat echoing in her chest just below Laura’s ear.

It had been a rollercoaster of a day, one that she wasn’t eager to repeat, but so absolutely and completely necessary. That whole thought about their relationship not always being sunshine and rainbows wasn’t just a hypothetical question. It was real. And if they were going to be together, they had to take the good with the bad.

_Still…_

“Are you alright?” she asked quietly, the silence above her a little unsettling.

“Yeah, I’m okay, cutie.”

She ran her hand under the hem of Carmilla’s tank top, her fingers softly brushing along her side, back and forth, rhythmically.

“Do you ever feel bad that it’s always you, asking me to take the next step?” she pressed.

“Laura, that’s not true in the slightest,” Carmilla scoffed.

“Yes it is,” she argued. “You proposed. You were the one who asked me to move in with you.”

“You’re the one who asked me out on our first date.”

“You’re the one who asked me out on our second first date.”

“You’re the one who asked me to be your girlfriend in the first place. And just blatantly told me I was upon our reunion.”

“I figured it was better not to beat around the bush,” she grumbled.

Carmilla simply chuckled and pulled her closer, her lips resting against the faded scar on Laura’s forehead for a long moment.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“You can ask anything.”

Laura took a deep breath, her fingers now caressing across Carmilla’s stomach in soft, waving patterns.

“I know all of this has been really hard. And I know it hurts but… going through all of this again… is it ever too much?”

“No,” she answered, not an ounce of hesitation in her voice. “Laura, I’d go through all of this a million times over, so long as I got to make you happy.”

“You do make me happy. **So** happy, Carm.” She paused for a moment, holding tighter, the emotions of the day still sitting with her. “And, now, well… **I** make you happy too, right?”

She waited, nervously as Carmilla’s fingers paused and she let out a soft huff.

“You make the stars shine, Laura.”

And really, what could she even say to that.

“You always have and you always will, cutie.”

She sighed softly, snuggling further against her girlfriend, holding on tighter. But all she got in return was another soft kiss to her forehead.

She knew Carmilla was being honest. She knew the older girl only saw her as her and Laura desperately wished that she felt that same way. The fear still lingered low in her chest, unwilling to fully let go and she didn’t know if it ever would. But she had to stop throwing that ‘logic’ in Carmilla’s face. After all, it wasn’t Carmilla’s problem, it was hers and she had to learn to trust herself.

As another long moment of silence passed them, she recapped the day again and all that had occurred. The proposal story was definitely not what she’d expected. Laura figured that she probably just blurted out the question before having a panic attack and either attempting to convince Carmilla that she should say yes or backpedaling and trying to take her foot out of her mouth. Or if it wasn’t her that initiated it, after seeing suave and charming Carmilla, she would’ve thought that the older girl probably planned a fantastically romantic evening for them before she popped the question. Something over the top with candles and wine and a fifty piece orchestra.

She **loved** that she was wrong on both scenarios. The way Carmilla described that day was so perfect and really, so them. It wasn’t about the setting or the background. It was about being together. It was about being in love.

“Thank you for telling me about the engagement,” she said quietly.

“You would’ve heard it at some point, I’m sure,” Carmilla chuckled. “You know for about a month or so afterwards, anytime someone commented on your ring, you’d stop and tell them the entire story. Restaurant servers, people at the bank and the post office, anyone at the coffee shops you hope to one day own stock in. I even caught you talking to the neighbors cocker spaniel about it at one point.”

“You did not!”

She smiled when Carmilla kept quiet, just holding her tighter.

Honestly, though she knew the engagement story would come up at some point, she hadn’t delved that deep into wondering about how or when it happened. She was curious, of course, but there were so many other wonderful stories and times that they‘d shared. One possibly ideal and incredibly romantic day shouldn’t have taken precedence over anything else. But now, she found herself thinking about which tree they’d sat under and what color it’s leaves had changed to. She wondered if Carmilla dropped to her right knee or left and how they’d spent the rest of the afternoon. She pondered on whether or not Carmilla’s hands were cold as they touched her face and if her own lips were chapped from the fall chill as they rained down kisses on the other girl. She wondered how Carmilla had convinced their friends to leave them alone that afternoon and what the ring looked like.

The ring. Carmilla had clearly put quite a bit of work into finding it.

_Especially if she was willing to put up with Perry ‘helping’ for the day._

And, while she loved seeing these stories through Carmilla’s eyes, this was one of those rare occasions where she could actually see with her own.

“Carm?”

“Hmm?”

She paused, debating whether or not to ask, but just like Carmilla had to stop holding back, so did she.

“Can… can I see my engagement ring?” she asked quietly. She felt the older girl tense ever so slightly beneath her and opened her mouth to take the question back, but Carmilla beat her to it, cupping her chin and tilting her head upwards.

“Really?” she asked, her eyes soft and Laura nodded.

“I mean, I just…” She swallowed nervously as she pushed herself off of Carmilla and up onto her elbow. “Even though we aren’t there yet-”

“No! I get it,” she interrupted.

She watched as Carmilla carefully untangled their limbs and climbed out of the bed. The older girl turned on the lamp from her nightstand and made her way over to their dresser, her motions slow and deliberate. Opening the top right drawer, she reached into the very back, and pulled out a small box that had been hidden there before making her way back to her side of the bed, and rolling under the blankets. And suddenly, Laura noticed the nervousness in her eyes.

“Hey, Carm, if you don’t want to do this-”

“It’s not that,” Carmilla cut her off, eyes earnest. “I just… when I got to the hospital after the accident, one of the nurses gave me the ring after she found out who I was. I had it in my pocket when you woke up because, well, I thought you’d want it back. And then…”

Laura watched as she trailed off, wanting to offer comfort but knowing this was something Carmilla need to do.

“After you came home, I guess I just kept hoping that you’d remember and as soon as you did, I’d have it there for you, at that very moment. I kept it in my pocket every day for over a month,” she said, a slight huff leaving her lips as she fingered the velvet box. “The day before that fight… Laura, you have to know I didn’t want it to be over. I never wanted to lose you. But I really didn’t think we’d ever move forward. I guess, I thought I wasn’t what you wanted anymore so that’s why I called the wedding off. And I didn’t talk to you first because I didn’t think it mattered. I thought… I thought I was doing you a favor.”

Laura couldn’t stop herself this time as she reached out and cupped the older girl’s cheek.

“It wasn’t until after… after we kind of had that argument with me worrying about things being different that I stopped carrying it with me. I just… I guess, even though we were trying, that’s when I started to really realize that this whole thing was permanent and that you may never want the ring back. Or, if someday you did, maybe you’d want something different. Or… I don’t know.”

“So you put it away,” Laura said quietly and Carmilla merely shrugged. “Carm, it’s alright. You’ve carried so much these last few months. But you don’t have to do it all alone. I’m here, okay?”

“I know. I’m sorry that I haven’t always remembered that. I…  I can’t say it won’t forget again but I promise, I’m going to try.” Laura smiled softly, her thumb brushing across Carmilla’s cheek. “I don’t want to solely make the decisions for us. I don’t want to leave you out of our life together. I’ve never done it before, and I’m not making an excuse. It’s just, now… I’ve been so scared that I would lose you. I didn’t want add any more fuel to that fire, I guess.”

“I get it. But I am here, okay? And I’m not going anywhere. I love you and… you love me. And that’s what matters, right?” She waited a moment for Carmilla’s eyes to meet hers and found her lips turning upwards, matching the soft smile forming on Carmilla’s mouth as the older girl gently nodded.

Carmilla carefully set the box on the bed between them, her eyes never leaving Laura’s, and the younger girl could still see that flicker of insecurity there. Leaning forward she kissed her softly, resting their foreheads together for a long moment.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” she asked once more. “Because, Carm, you can’t keep making yourself uncomfortable or letting yourself get hurt just because you want to make this easy on me. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve to have your say.”

“I know. And I may have given up on my way a few times over the last couple of months, but I’m okay with this. If… if you really want to see it, I want you to see it too.”

She nodded once, leaving one more kiss against the dark-haired girl’s lips before pulling away and gently picking up the box. Tentatively opening it, she was immediately taken aback by the contents. It was simple yet utterly stunning. An oval sapphire sat atop the platinum band, surrounded by small round-cut diamonds, so completely different than anything she could’ve expected, and somehow exactly what she would’ve picked if she had a choice.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed, running her finger along the edge of the box.

“Well, I wanted you to like it,” Carmilla chuckled. “I mean, I kind of intended for you to wear it for the rest of our lives.”

“And… you said it’s old?” she asked, carefully lifting it free.

“From the 20’s. The woman I bought it from told me that her grandfather was a jewelry maker and this was one of the last rings he made. The shop I got it from had been owned by her family for generations now, and, for whatever reason, this was one of the rings they were holding on to.” Carmilla paused, shrugging bashfully before she continued. “She told me they were always just waiting for the right couple. Apparently, we fit the bill.”

“Can I…” She held it up, ready to slide it onto her finger, but stopped, catching the older girl’s eye.

Carmilla smiled softly and nodded, leaning in to kiss her once.

“It’s yours, Laura. You can do whatever you want with it.”

“But… I mean, I love you, Carm, I do. And I want us. I want us for as long as you’ll have me. But I’m just not ready to say that we’re eng-”

“Laura, it doesn’t mean that we’re engaged again or anything like that. You… you don’t even have to wear. You can just keep it,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear. “Do what you want with it.”

“I just… I know it’s a label but-”

“Fuck labels, Laura, you hate them and it doesn’t matter. Girlfriend, fiancée, girl I’m dating, wife. None of it matters.” She paused, holding her gaze, eyes intense. “You’re my Laura. That’s all that counts.”

She swallowed hard, eyes tearing up as she stared back at the dark-haired girl, so in love that it almost hurt.

“And you’re my Carmilla,” she finally whispered, cupping her face gently. Carmilla turned slowly to the side, leaving a soft kiss against her wrist before meeting her eyes again.

“And I always will be.”

She smiled, letting a quiet giggle escape before taking the ring, and carefully sliding it onto her finger, an absolutely perfect fit.

“It is seriously the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, the most beautiful girl deserves it, so…”

“Charmer.” Carmilla simply shrugged, a soft smirk on her face. “Thank you for letting me see it,” she said, taking one last look at it before she slid it off her finger, placed it back into the box, and offered if back. She watched the hint of sadness creep into those dark eyes as Carmilla took the box with a nod, and Laura shook her head, immediately crashing their lips together before the older girl’s doubt crept out any further. “I love it, Carm. And I’m not rejecting it. I just… I want **you** to hold on to it.”

She watched the confusion take over Carmilla’s features as she tilted her head to the side.

“Why?”

“Because maybe… maybe you can give it to me again? Someday?”

She watched the confusion melt away as a small, almost shy smile formed on Carmilla’s lips, and she felt those butterflies fluttering around in her stomach again at the sight.

_So adorable when no one else is watching._

“Yeah?”

With a nod, she reached up, fisting Carmilla’s tank top, and pulled her closer.

“I thought you said you wanted forever?” she said with a sweet smile and Carmilla could do nothing but kiss her once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	39. And You Deserve It The Way You Work It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Carmilla finally believes and Laura tries with all her might to do the same.
> 
> Oh, and we finally find out the sexy story behind the infamous chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, you guys have no issue with a 17k chapter. Well, I’m sorry to say, this one is not quite there. A measly 15k. I know, so disappointing, right?
> 
> Fair warning, here we have what I'm calling a smut sandwich. The bread is made up of plot, very important. And it’s a good hearty bread too. But the middle… well, it got dirty. And it got long. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it. 
> 
> ***New note*** There will not be an update next Friday. 
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

It had been almost two weeks. Twelve days to be exact. Twelve days of sweet words and constant reassurances. Twelve days of careful touches and lingering kisses. Twelve days of foreheads pressed together with soft laughter and sweet whispers in the dark.

Twelve days of more ‘I love you’s’ than Carmilla could even begin to count, their sincerity increasing with each utterance.

And for the first time since Laura had woken up in the hospital, the words were real. They mattered. She let them wash over her, opening her heart to what they really meant. And it wasn’t just the words. It was the things Laura did. It was in the way she held Carmilla close, gripping tightly with gentle hands. It was in the way the smaller girl reached for her anytime she was within arm’s length, whether intentionally or not. It was in the way she stared at Carmilla when she thought the dark-haired girl wasn’t looking, eyes so full of warmth and wonder.

For the first time, she allowed herself to believe that they really could have exactly what they’d always wanted. They really could have forever because absolutely nothing was stopping them. They may still have their doubts from time to time or their insecurities about this or that. But at the end of the day, they were in love. They wanted to be together. They respected and cared for each other, and that’s what mattered.

She’d pillowed her head on Laura’s chest just the night before, the smaller girl’s fingers gently combing through her hair, her other hand gently playing with Carmilla’s fingertips along her own side, every available inch of one pressed against the other. The comfortable silence had surrounded them in a perfect bubble, holding tight as the minutes ticked by, leaving her with her thoughts.

Why had she fought against this for so long? Why had she fought so hard to resist the true meaning behind Laura’s assurances? Why had she forced herself to imagine that this was only temporary, and that any day now, she would completely, and forever, lose the love of her life?

She hated that she’d lost so much time on worries that were completely unfounded and fears that would never come to pass. She should’ve known better. Deep down, she should’ve seen that Laura Hollis,  **her** Laura Hollis, the one and only, was by her side and cared for her. That she’d been there this whole time. And even more, that Carmilla deserved the younger girl’s love.

“Are you asleep?” Laura had whispered as Carmilla smiled at the notion.

“No.”

She felt Laura’s lips dance along her forehead, nuzzling her nose ever so slightly into her hair, and sagged further into the girl beneath her.

“You okay up there?” she asked when Laura didn’t say anything more, the corner of her lips tickling against the smaller girl’s t-shirt.

“Yeah, just… just thinking.”

She waited a beat, the softness in Laura’s voice not giving her any cause to worry, but knowing that something more was coming. She waited patiently, letting her fingers skim up and down along Laura’s side as she did, her t-shirt bunching up with each pass.

“I can’t imagine ever being happier than we are right now,” the smaller girl finally said, her voice quiet.

She smiled softly, holding a little tighter.

“Hmm… who ever said we were?”

The moment of hesitation that passed, along with the feeling of Laura’s fingers stuttering to a stop in her hair only made her smile more.

“Well… I mean…”

She heard the uncertainty but didn’t need to look up to know exactly what had Laura pausing. Still, she pushed.

“Well what?”

“Just… I mean, we had seven years and, even though we’re here now, we don’t exactly have that anymore.”

Carmilla allowed her fingers to climb up the ladder of Laura’s ribcage, her hand falling across the space over the younger girl’s heart.

“Who says we don’t have that anymore?”

“Well… I mean, we do, but… not in the same way. Even if we are happy now, I just… I want to give you that happiness all over again and… I’m sure it’s going to take time to get there, but I just… I want to show you…” she trailed off, shrugging and slightly jostling Carmilla’s head.

Carmilla paused, Laura’s words from twelve days prior ringing through her head. It definitely wasn’t the worst fight in the history of the world, but it was pivotal. It was important. And the smaller girl had made such a crucial point; Carmilla couldn’t expect Laura to accept herself as the same person if she wasn’t willing to accept the fact that the tiny brunette wasn’t going to leave her. But Laura  **was** still Laura. She was still honest to a fault. She wouldn’t tell Carmilla she loved her if she didn’t mean it. She wouldn’t tell Carmilla that she wasn’t going to leave if it wasn’t true.

_ She’s not going anywhere, _ she thought taking a deep breath, a small smile touching her lips.

She snuggled in closer, taking a moment to formulate what she really wanted to say. This needed to stop. She had to stop worrying about Laura running off. Laura had to stop worrying about not being the same. And they both just needed to move on.

“We can have whatever we want, Laura. Whether that’s seven days or seven years or seventy years. It doesn’t change how we feel. It doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to be together until the end.”

She felt the slight hiccup in Laura’s chest as the smaller girl covered the hand she’d laid across her chest, squeezing gently.

“Yeah?”

“Laura, just because you can’t remember a few things, that doesn’t mean that what we have now is any less important, and it doesn’t mean we have to try to get back to what we had.” She paused again, lacing her fingers with the smaller girl’s and holding tight. “Just because you’re missing some time, it doesn’t matter anymore. We’re both here and healthy. We’re absolutely crazy about each other and… we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us to fall more and more in love. Pretty similar to every other day over the last seven years.”

“Our whole lives?”

She heard the hopefulness, heavy in Laura’s voice and smiled again.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not going anywhere. And… and I know you aren’t either.” She felt the air catch in Laura’s chest a beat too long before it left her in a tiny giggle, the sound cracking the tension, surrounding her in warmth. She turned her head, looking up at her girlfriend, and took in the absolutely gorgeous smile on Laura’s face. Smiling back, she awkwardly angled up to capture the smaller girl’s lips in a sweet, slow kiss, only pulling back to rest her ear against Laura’s chest once more, relaxing fully against her and letting the muffled sound of her heartbeat lull her to sleep not long after.

The morning after had felt lighter as they’d enjoyed their coffee, sitting next to each other, Laura on her laptop and Carmilla skimming through the newspaper, feet tangled together beneath the table, fingers occasionally skimming along hands and arms without thought. It no longer felt like a heavy clock was hanging over them. This was how it should’ve been all along. This was the way things should have stayed.

And she be damned if they were going to waste another minute together worrying about it or about how much time they had lost. What was done, was done. And if they could make it through the muck that the last few months had presented them with, they could it make through anything.

So now, after spending the day away from the love of her life, she was more than ready to spend her evening wrapping up in the smaller girl, whether that meant terrible television that she could care less about or reading from one end of the couch while Laura typed frantically at the other. Didn’t matter what they did. She’d happily take it. 

Shaking her head with a smile as she reached their front door, she slid her key into deadbolt and twisted the knob as she pushed, her smile only growing at the sound of Laura giggling softly on the other side. She really fucking loved that sound. But as she stepped inside and the door closed behind her, the smile quickly fell from her face.

“Why are you here?” Carmilla asked gruffly, securing the door.

“Good to see you too, Carmilla,” LaFontaine said with a smile, taking a sip from the mug in front of them. 

Carmilla just rolled her eyes and draped her jacket onto the coat rack before making her way over to where Laura was standing on the opposite side of the kitchen island, smiling softly at her.

“Hey, cutie,” she said, leaving a kiss along her temple as she passed, the corner of her mouth pulling up when Laura briefly leaned into it.

“Now how come L gets that kind of greeting but I get brusque Carmilla?”

“Because I actually like Laura,” she said, reaching into the cupboard for a mug and pouring herself a cup of coffee from the fresh carafe on the counter.

“Hey!”

“So again, I ask, why are you here, lab rat?” she asked, casually leaning against the counter behind her and taking a sip of the strong brew.

“LaF was just dropping something off,” Laura said, and Carmilla tilted her head curiously at the blush now dusting the younger girl’s cheeks.

“Well, I mean, I owed you, L. It was long overdue,” they said patting the top of the small, nondescript box in front of them.

“What’s in it?” Carmilla asked, the blank cardboard giving her no indication.

“A new speaker,” they answered.

“Oh.” And suddenly Carmilla understood the blush and attempted to hide her smirk behind the rim of her coffee mug as she side-eyed her girlfriend.

“I ordered it special. It’s the same one, just a newer version, though you guys really should just get this place wired. I mean, you’re going to be here for a while. Might as well enjoy it. You know, I can totally give you some recommendations from when-”

“Yeah, before the two of you get your technology geek on, I’m just going to step away,” Carmilla said, leaving a quick squeeze at Laura’s hip as she passed, relishing in the small smile the younger girl shot her.

_ I have a feeling it’s going to be an interesting night, _ she thought with an internal snicker.

She wandered into the living room, intent on picking up where she’d left off on ‘1984’ from the previous night, knowing it might be a while before the bio-major took their leave. She smiled softly as she took in the sight of their oversized Christmas tree in the corner, lit in all its massive glory. She had argued that it was far too big for their living room, but Laura would have none of it, and insisted that they’d make do. It had been sitting there since the day after she’d gone to LaF and Perry’s for answers. Which had been an utterly exhausting day, for both of them. But apparently, not one that warranted much sleep to recover from as she’d woken up at just after eight the next morning to a excited and overly caffeinated Laura, bouncing around the room as she pulled on layer after layer, insisting that Carmilla immediately get up so that they could go pick out their tree for the holiday.

It had been interesting to watch how Laura had handled the news she and the gingers had discovered around why she’d lost her memory and all the little things that she’d somehow managed to retain. While the smaller girl had been excited by this new development, and rightfully so, she had defied Carmilla’s expectations of asking an infinite amount of questions or attempting to immediately figure out how all the memories were connected. Instead, she’d taken the casual approach of ‘if it happens again, it happens’… for a full nineteen hours before something new popped up.

“I’m so glad we have a real tree now!” Laura exclaimed, positively giddy as she placed another ornament on one of the lower branches of the massive spruce they’d manhandled into the house just over an hour earlier. “So much better than that old plastic one with the duct tape.”

Carmilla paused, her mug of peppermint hot chocolate on its way to her mouth, staring curiously at her girlfriend from her spot on near the archway to the living room.

_ What the hell? Okay, that’s an unusual one. _

And it was. For the first time, it wasn’t a memory specific only to Carmilla.

_ Huh… _

Laura turned, still smiling, but as she caught sight of Carmilla, the brilliance dimmed and she tipped her head to the side.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Um, nothing,” Carmilla said with a shrug, taking a small sip from the reindeer shaped mug that Laura had insisted on putting the delicious concoction in.  _ Let’s see what happens.  _ “The duct taped one was looking pretty sad  **last** Christmas when we put it up.”

“Right?! I mean, it was an adorable little tree, don’t get me wrong, and I loved it because it was ours but-”

She smirked as Laura froze, kneeling in front of the tree, ornament in hand, six inches from hanging it on another low branch. And her face… completely painted in surprise.

_ There it is. _

This wasn’t new to her anymore. The initial shock of Laura randomly remembering this or that had worn off. But this was the first time Laura had seemingly realized it herself.

_ She’s so cute when she’s freaking out. _

“Go on,” Carmilla pressed, just barely holding in a chuckle at the sight. “You were saying something about how you loved it because it was ours but…”

It was a full ten seconds before Laura turned her wide eyes on Carmilla, and she could no longer keep her boisterous laugh in.

“What the hell?” Laura squeaked, making Carmilla laugh even harder, the older girl grabbing ahold of her mug with both hands to keep it from spilling as she doubled over. Laura immediately stood, fists at her sides, snowman shaped ornament still dangling from one, looking like she was just a moment away from stomping her stocking clad feet. Which, considering said stockings were covered in teddy bears hanging mistletoe, would’ve only made Carmilla laugh harder. “Carm! This isn’t funny! Stop that right now! How… how do I know that?!”

“I don’t know, cupcake,” she said, finally getting herself under control. “It’s totally random what you do and don’t remember.”

“No! No there has to be a pattern! There has to be a reason!”

Taking pity on her girlfriend, Carmilla set her mug down on the closest end table and moved further into the room, taking Laura’s incredibly tense hands in her own as she reached her.

“Well, I wish I could help you, Sherlock, but I haven’t a clue why one thing rings a bell and another doesn’t.”

“That’s a stupid answer!” she pouted.

“Well, what do you want me to say, cupcake? It doesn’t make sense, it just… it is what it is.”

“No! No, there’s has to be a connection. A pattern of some sort,” she said, gripping tighter to Carmilla’s hands, eyes desperate.

“Well, if you can figure it out, great. But I really don’t think it’s worth worrying over.”

“Fine! We’ll just see about that!” Laura cried as she haphazardly hung the ornament on the closest branch and stormed past Carmilla down the hall, and into the office. Carmilla turned to watch, smirking the entire time and waiting until the count of thirty before Laura reemerged and stomped back towards the living room.

“You have an epiphany already?” she teased.

“No. And hush. I’ll… I’ll do it later,” she said, her voice much softer as her hands worried together in front of her. “For now, well… I don’t… I don’t want to miss out on decorating with you.”

“Sleuthing later then, got it,” Carmilla said with a wink before turning back to their storage bins of ornaments and handing Laura the red bauble with the date of their first anniversary hand painted in gold. The smaller girl smiled softly before taking it and placing it front and center on the tree.

Laura had constantly been on the lookout for anything more over the following week, and was beyond irritated when nothing else resurfaced. And, while initially humorous to watch Laura’s reaction, there was nothing funny about the disappointment that followed.

“Cutie, I told you. It doesn’t matter, okay?” Carmilla had murmured, when she walked into the house after a day of shopping to find Laura had taken over the entire living room floor, papers scattered as she attempted to draw some sort of conclusion. “Whether you remember everything or nothing else, it doesn’t change us. And even more important, it doesn’t change you.”

Laura had immediately stopped writing and looked up at her with those big brown eyes, shimmering as she did that weird lumpy hard swallow thing that Carmilla had seen no less than two hundred and forty six times over their seven years together.

“You’re still you, Laura,” she’d said, kneeling down and cupping the smaller girl’s face, leaving a tender kiss on her forehead. “Nothing is going to change that.”

Laura had clung to her for the rest of that night, unwilling to let go for more than a minute until she fell asleep in Carmilla’s arms. The tiny brunette was obviously still frustrated by the fact that nothing new had come up, but it was a quiet frustration. One that didn’t overshadow the rest of what was right in front of her. The past, while important, couldn’t be everything. And it was a lesson that they’d both had to learn. One that maybe hadn’t fully stuck for the smaller girl just yet, but Carmilla was determined to do whatever she could to help Laura get there.

Nodding at the thought and looking away from the tree, she settled onto the far end of the couch, and picked up the worn copy of ‘1984’ from where it sat on one of the end tables. Ignoring all other surroundings, she tuned out the sound of whatever it was that LaF and Laura were talking about in the next room as the pages below her fingers quietly crinkled. But, surprisingly, she’d only made it through six and a half pages before she was pulled out of the dystopian world.

“So… what really happened that night?” Laura asked, leaning against the corner of the wall.

Somewhat surprised by the interruption, she looked up, taking in the silence surrounding them, and knew that LaF had managed to slip out without her noticing. She looked at Laura, the smaller girl still carrying the dusty blush on her cheeks, her right hand anxiously pulling at the fingertips of her left.

“What night?” Carmilla smirked, leaning further back into the couch cushions and propping her feet up as she dropped her book to the side.

“Don’t play dumb,” she said with a smile. She pushed off the wall, making her way into the room, and sitting on the coffee table near Carmilla’s feet. “This has been an intriguing subject for some time now. Whatever happened… I know there was nudity involved and probably lots of kissing and most likely hands… in places.” Carmilla chuckled as the smaller girl tipped her head, her bashful smile making this even better. “So, come on. Tell me.”

“You really want the story or… you want to do something else?” she asked, her eyes narrowing suggestively.

“You are not going to distract me with your amazing seduction eyes right now,” Laura said, her jaw firm, but Carmilla saw she was just barely biting back a giddy smile.

Carmilla chuckled, shaking her head and looking away for a moment before coming back, her gaze finding Laura’s and seeing the mirth in those sweet golden eyes.

“Well, it didn’t actually start  **that** night.”

“So go back the beginning. I’ve got time,” Laura teased, propping her sock covered feet onto the cushion at Carmilla’s left.

She smiled softly as she reached over, laying a hand across Laura’s shins and giving the right one a little squeeze over her leggings before starting.

“It was a week before my birthday this last summer and Mattie had randomly showed up, unannounced, of course.”

* * *

**_Six Months Earlier_ **

“Look, can we not talk about this right now?” Carmilla sighed, nodding her thanks to their server as he placed their drinks on the linen covered table in front of them.

“What’s wrong with now?” Mattie asked, elegantly lifting her glass, swirling the liquid once, and then slowly slipping at the incredibly expensive cabernet. “I’m not coming back to this one horse town again until next year, so we really should take advantage of my visit and start planning.”

Carmilla sighed once again and let herself ungracefully slouch back into her chair. This was not how she’d pictured the evening going, and though she knew this topic would come up at some point, having the discussion with Mattie while Laura was in the restroom washing her hands was something that she’d hoped to avoid.

It had been a perfectly lazy Saturday, the first one they’d had together in months, and so well deserved. She and Laura had woken up late, taken their coffee together out on the patio, and then spent the rest of the day reading from opposite ends of the couch, their feet playing back and forth, both perfectly content to just spend the day in each other’s presence.

She’d just set her finished book aside, slowly stretching as she sat up, when she met Laura’s gaze, the smaller girl sending her a coy little smile over her own well-worn novel. She smiled back, reaching a hand out to run across the smooth skin of Laura’s bare shin before she turned towards the far wall, squinting harder and harder as she tried to read the hands on the clock.

“Would, you please go to the eye doctor,” Laura pleaded with a quiet sigh.

“I can see just fine, cupcake.”

“Oh really?” she challenged. “What time is it then?”

“Almost evening-ish.”

“Carm!” she giggled. “Just go. You need your eyes. Vision is kind of important for your job and it’s just been getting worse and worse over the last few months.”

“I know,” she grumbled, sagging back onto the couch petulantly. “I just don’t want to have to worry about contacts or glasses.”

“You mean you don’t want to worry about sticking your finger in your eye.”

“Well, it’s gross!”

“You’ll get used to it,” she said as she set her own book aside and sat up, moving further across the couch and reaching for the dark-haired girl’s hand. “And… I still stand by the fact that you would look so incredibly sexy in glasses.”

“Oh yeah?” she smirked but Laura just nodded, her eyes tracking down to Carmilla’s lips for a long moment.

“I’m thinking black frames,” she said, her voice quiet with just a hint of desire.

Leaning forward, Carmilla had just opened her mouth to tease the tiny brunette further, when a knock on the front door interrupted her. She furrowed her brow, wondering who in the hell it could be since all of their friends just let themselves in without warning. She let out a little disgruntled huff and untangled herself from her fiancée before slowly making her way towards the door in absolutely no hurry. To say she was surprised with who was on the other side was an understatement.

“Mattie?!”

“Hey, sis,” she said, smiling mischievously.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well, I was in L.A. and just so happened to have a free day before heading home. So I found a quick flight up here. I thought I could take you and the little moppet out for the evening. After all, it is someone’s birthday next week,” she said, bopping Carmilla on the nose as she moved past her. She confidently strode into the house, her heels clicking against the wood beneath them with each step. Moving straight to the kitchen counter, she perused the few bottles of wine sitting there before helping herself. “So get dressed. We have a dinner reservation in an hour.”

And that was how their plans for the night had drastically changed and she found herself having the conversation she’d been dreading.

“There’s nothing wrong with Silas,” Carmilla argued from her side of the table at the swanky restaurant Mattie had chosen, because, of course it would be upscale and incredibly expensive. “We like it here. And we don’t need to talk about it because it’s still almost a year away.”

“Then there’s no time like the present to plan. You can never be overly prepared,” she argued, setting her glass back down on the table as she gracefully leaned back in her chair. “So, where should we start the evening.”

“Nowhere. Honestly, I don’t even think we’re going that route anyway, so why discuss it?” Carmilla shrugged.

“So you’re not having bachelorette parties?” Mattie asked, hand to her chest as though the notion personally offended her. “Well, where’s the fun in that?”

“Where’s the fun in what?” Laura asked as she slid into her chair next to Carmilla, her fingers immediately reaching for Carmilla’s leather clad thigh as she did.

“Neither of you are having bachelorette parties? Is that what I’m understanding?” Mattie asked, her expression and tone still bordering at over the top on the affronted scale.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know.” Laura turned curiously towards Carmilla before shrugging. “I mean, I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“See? Clearly not at the forefront of the wedding plan list and, honestly, kind of pointless,” Carmilla said as she lay an arm along the back of Laura’s chair, her fingertips absently playing in silken strands.

“You think they’re pointless?” Laura asked, eyes curious.

“I think in the traditional sense, yes,” Carmilla argued. “That whole stupid idea of ‘your last night of freedom’ is utter bullshit.”

“I’m not going to argue with you on that one because freedom was about thirty-four stops ago and I think you missed the exit,” Laura teased, leaning in to leave a soft kiss on Carmilla’s jaw.

“I didn’t miss anything,” she murmured, turning and kissing her softly.

“The two of you make me nauseous,” Mattie said with a grimace, and Carmilla smiled when Laura turned and giggled at the statement.

“Look,” she argued, “it is a stupid tradition.”

“Tradition is important,” Mattie argued.

“But,” Carmilla continued, ignoring her and focusing on Laura. “If you want to go out with your friends or whatever, I’m not going to stop you, cutie. I’m just really not interested in whatever the hell  **you’d** cook up for a night of fun, Mattie.” She turned towards her sister, sending her a pointed look, and sighed at the start of a wicked grin forming on her lips.

“Oh please, it would be totally innocent,” Mattie crooned, leaning forward onto the table, her growing smile indicating it would be anything but.

“Really? I think our definition of innocence varies just slightly.”

“It does not. I simply thought that we’d take you out for a nice dinner, pad the stomach, and then some cocktails.”

“And...?” Carmilla waited, knowing damn well what was coming.

“And what?”

“That doesn’t sound so terrible, Carm,” Laura added, completely oblivious to the standoff occuring in front of her. “LaF and Per had mentioned they wanted to take me out for dinner and maybe dancing, since I took them out before their wedding. I wasn’t really thinking of it like a bachelorette party, but I guess that’s what we could call it, if you want.”

“See, Lois Lane’s totally on board. We’ll have a nice steak dinner, have a few drinks, and then… maybe there will be some dancing at our party, too.”

_ There it is. _

“No,” she answered, her voice firm.

“Why not?” Laura asked, still clearly missing the subtext of the conversation. “It sounds harmless enough. Dinner, drinks, and dancing. You might have fun.”

“Yeah, cupcake, I don’t think Mattie’s talking about shaking it off in the middle of a crowded nightclub when she says dancing.”

“Oh?” Laura turned back to Mattie, looking for an explanation, and Carmilla saw her sister’s smile somehow grow even more nefarious.

“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun. We’ll invite Mel and that giant man-child. And, of course, William will be there. He’s already threw out a least a dozen suggestions on places to take you. And, if anyone knows the best venues to frequent, it’s our dear brother,” Mattie said, playing with the stem of her wine glass. “It’ll be fabulous.”

“And that’s it?” Carmilla pushed, one eyebrow raised skeptically, not doubting her sister’s intentions for an iota of a second.

“Well,” Mattie started, taking a long sip of her wine and smiling once more, her teeth practically blinding. “I mean, one little lap dance won’t kill you.”

“Lap dance?!”

The squeak in Laura’s voice could be heard from across the restaurant as her grip on Carmilla’s thigh tightened, and the dark-haired girl had to stifle a chuckle of her own as the tiny brunette turned wide, nervous eyes towards her.

“Yeah, the dancing would be at a strip club, cutie. Hence, the not entirely innocent comment. And the fact that Will has so many opinions, seeing as he knows these places like the back of his hand.”

“Or the palm,” Mattie snickered and Carmilla couldn’t help but join.

“Oh!”

“And, still not interested, Mattie,” she said, gently squeezing at Laura’s incredibly tense shoulder.

“Oh, come now, Carm, don’t be coy with me. You know very well that you could never say no to a pretty girl who was, how does the expression go? All up in your business?” 

Carmilla simply shook her head, the idea sounding more and more terrible as the seconds ticked by, but Mattie wasn’t done.

“And a lap dance might do you some good. After all…” She paused for a long moment, eyes dancing as her smile grew. “You’ve enjoyed your fair share in the past.”

“Matska…” Carmilla warned with a terse tone, her eyes casting sidelong at the woman to her left as Laura’s own gaze fell to her lap.

“What’s wrong, darling?” Mattie asked, all teeth in her teasing smirk. “I do hope I’m not causing a rift.”

“You’re an ass,” she grumbled, reaching for her glass and taking a long sip, still keeping one eye on her increasingly uneasy fiancée.  

“Yet you still love me,” Mattie said as she continued to tease at the stem of her wine glass.

Carmilla sighed and turned fully to Laura, the smaller girl still sitting ramrod straight in her chair, eyes comically wide as they focused on her lap. She reached out with her free hand, cupping at Laura’s chin and pulling her gaze up to her own, smiling softly as she did.

“Cutie, you know she’s full of shit.”

“Oh! Um… yeah… yeah, right.” She watched Laura sag a little in her chair and leaned forward, leaving a reassuring kiss against her lips. “I-I knew that.”

“So stop panicking. You know I’m not interested in whatever scheme she and Will are trying to cook up.”

“You’re no fun,” Mattie said, rolling her eyes. “Fine, maybe you haven’t enjoyed your fair share. Or even had your fair share. Unless Gidget here has been filling that quota.”

The panic was back, tenfold, and somehow Laura’s eyes widened even further than before, her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

“My god, Mattie, you’re terrible!”

“That’s what I thought,” she said with a quiet laugh. “Even more reason to have one now. You know you’ll enjoy it.”

“Again, I’ll pass.”

“We’ll see,” Mattie sing-songed with another taunting smile.

* * *

She felt Carmilla shift behind her, the older girl’s arm wrapping tighter around her waist as they lay in the mostly darkened room, the silence somehow sounding louder and louder as it enveloped them.

They’d had a nice enough evening with Mattie, or at least nice enough until the topic of lap dances had come up. She was pretty sure her entire face had gone beyond scarlet at Mattie’s numerous suggestions, but what could she say? She was more than aware that her fiancée had a past, Carmilla enjoying her fair share of racy, risqué times with more girls than she could count before Laura had come along. It had initially bothered her at the beginning of her relationship, but the worry came more from not measuring up to what was sure was incredibly high standards. And, sure, their initial fumbling’s into physical intimacy had been just that; fumble-y. But she’d quickly gotten the hang of it and Carmilla had never once complained. And she knew darn well that if there was anything missing, the dark-haired girl would’ve told her long before now.

Still, there was a distinct difference between needing and wanting something.

“You’re awful quiet up there, cupcake,” Carmilla mumbled, her voice tired. “What’re you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” Laura squeaked, cringing as she did.

“Hmm… you sure about that?” she asked, lips tickling at Laura’s shoulder as she did.

“Yep. All good. No problems up here. None at all.”

_ Nope, no problems. Nothing to think about. All totally fine. _

It was a full thirty seconds later before she couldn’t hold it any for any longer.

“So… what Mattie said earlier…” she started and Carmilla immediately laughed, loud and exuberant, the sound echoing in her chest as her grip around Laura’s torso loosened.

“I’ve been waiting all night for you to ask,” she said between fits.

“Well, if you were waiting all night, why didn’t you just tell me?” Laura grumbled. “It would’ve saved a lot of me worrying about… stuff.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Carmilla asked as she shifted to pull her close again, leaving soft, lingering kisses down the back of Laura’s neck and along her shoulder. But it wasn’t enough to distract the smaller girl.

“You and Mattie really are related,” she muttered with a roll of her eyes, but Carmilla only continued to chuckle. “Ugh, fine. So… what she said… about… about the lap dance…” She cringed again at how quiet and uncertain the words were as they escaped her.  _ God, get it together, Laura.  _ “Do you… do you think that’s what you guys will end up doing when they take you out?”

She heard the question leave her mouth, so self-conscious and timid, and she hated that she felt this way. She had no reason to!

“It is nothing you need to worry about because it’s not going to happen,” Carmilla said, her laughter ceasing, voice even. “If they insist on taking me to dinner or something like that, fine, I’ll go. But I have absolutely no interest in anything more.”

“Really?”

“Come on, Laura, you can’t seriously think I’d be interested in that.”

And she  **did** know that!

“No, I know, I’m sorry. I guess… it’s just, something else Mattie said…” She pushed her fingers in between Carmilla’s against her stomach, taking comfort from the quick squeeze the dark-haired girl gave them. “Maybe you’re not interested in getting one from some random girl in a sketchy back room somewhere but… if it wasn’t… if it was someone you cared about…”

“Someone I cared about, huh?” She could hear the smirk behind her and huffed at the teasing. “Like who?”

“Carm…”

“Sorry, yes, if it was someone I cared about…?”

“Well, is that something that you think you actually might like?” she asked quietly, nervous for the answer.

“Well, I’m not going to lie to you, cupcake,” she started, her voice immediately taking on that heavily flirtatious tone again. “It’s not like I’d say no if you ever offered.”

_ Of course. _

“Yeah, but… I mean, come on, Carm, you can’t actually think I’d be good at that or the least bit sexy.”

“So after all these years, you  **still** don’t know that you are by far and away the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen?”

“Seriously…” she trailed off incredulously, rolling her eyes again at the notion.

“What?”

“You’re full of it, Karnstein.” To which, of course, Carmilla only chuckled, squeezing their bodies together. “Besides, I’d probably end up tripping and falling over or something far more embarrassing.”

“Despite your preconceived notions,  **Hollis** , you’re not as graceless as you think. Yes, you are a bit accident prone. But, when you’re focused…” She gasped as Carmilla’s mouth found that darn spot beneath her ear and, dang it, why did she have to know Laura’s body  **so** well. She grumbled, attempting to put up a vocal fight even as her traitorous right hand reached up and tangled in dark locks, making Carmilla continue to laugh softly as she pulled away. “You are fucking sexy as hell, Laura. And you know that’s not a new opinion of mine.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Besides, I’m a visual person, cutie,” Carmilla said, her voice dropping just enough to send a shiver up Laura’s spine as she pulled her closer, leaving a few slow, open-mouthed kisses against her shoulder. “And you know I like to watch.”

Laura rolled her eyes for the hundredth time that night but couldn’t fight the embarrassed smile tugging at her lips or the blush lighting up her face. She  **definitely** knew that.

_ I still can’t believe I did that… and let her watch… multiple times… _

Carmilla must’ve sensed her reticence though, just like she always could, and softly brushed her nose along the space between Laura’s shoulder blades above her tank top, squeezing their hands together again, her thumb rubbing along her knuckles.

“Laura, you know I have absolutely no complaints about our sex life. We’ve been going at it for almost seven years now and it’s better than ever. And you also know that I would  **never** ask you to do something you weren’t comfortable with.”

“I know,” she said quietly.

And, again, she did! But still. She couldn’t get the idea out of her mind. And it’s not like Carmilla had never done anything for  **her.** Anything she’d ever wondered on or been curious about, all she had to do was ask and the dark-haired girl made it happen.

“Laura, stop,” Carmilla chuckled as she shifted their bodies and rolled on top of her, her gorgeous smile in the soft moonlight taking the smaller girl’s breath away for a moment. “Cupcake, I mean it.” She slowly leaned down, letting their lips meet for just a moment before slowly trailing them down her neck. “Why is this bothering you so much?”

“It’s not bothering me. I just… I don’t know,” she hiccuped as Carmilla’s lips hit a particularly sensitive spot.

“Laura…?”

Carmilla shifted once again, holding herself above the smaller girl, their eyes meeting as the dark-haired girl lifted a skeptical eyebrow.

“I just…” She sighed, looking away as she felt her cheeks heat up. But Carmilla tenderly cupped her chin and turned her head back, intense dark eyes burning into her own.

“What is it, Laura?”

“I don’t want you holding something back. I don’t want you not getting what you want just because I’m embarrassed.”

“First off, honestly, anything involving you and being naked, I’ll be waiting, front and center,” she teased, leaning down to kiss her gently and Laura felt the smallest bit of tension leave her body as they pulled apart, Carmilla’s eyes now so soft. “Secondly, again, even if I  **did** want something, I would  **never** ask you for it if I knew it would make you uncomfortable. Nothing is worth making you feel that way. And, finally, cupcake, why do you  **ever** listen to anything Mattie says? You know she just likes fucking with you.”

“I know,” Laura said with a quiet giggle. “I just… I just wanted to make sure.”

“You’re going to be thinking about this for days now, aren’t you?” Carmilla teased and Laura tried to hide the guilty look on her face. She really did. But Carmilla saw right through it and chuckled once more. “Let’s see if we can do something about that.”

And the thoughts fled as Carmilla leaned down to kiss her. Hard.

* * *

**_One Week Later_ **

Pocketing her phone, she smiled once again at the ridiculously long and, frankly a little inappropriate, voicemail that Will had left her wishing her a happy birthday and, well, in a nutshell, warning her to not have too much fun. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Not that she was really all that surprised. It was Will after all.

It hadn’t been too bad of a birthday. She’d woken up to her fiancée leaving soft kisses along her jaw, and when she’d opened her eyes, she was greeted with the beautiful vision of Laura smiling back at her, hair askew from a night of tossing and turning, one strap of her tank top sliding down her arm.

“Mmm, now that’s a great way to wake up,” she said as Laura finally found her lips, the two sighing in sync and then laughing at the ridiculousness.

They’d gotten around and ran out to grab a quick coffee and a bagel before Carmilla had wandered off for the day, her schedule packed from work, but not before Laura had left another toe curling kiss against her lips and promised to see her later.

Opening the door to their house now, she was immediately taken aback at what she found. She’d expected to find Laura making a mess of the kitchen as it was her night to make dinner or, more likely, sitting in the office, still working, having lost track of time. Instead, she found candles spaced out atop the kitchen table and counters, and along the floor, leading into the living room where soft music could be heard.

“Laura?” she called as the door closed behind her, eyes adjusting to the candlelight.

“In here.” She immediately heard the nervousness in Laura’s tone and felt the worry center itself firmly in her chest. A nervous Laura was never a good thing.

She stepped forward, following the sound, and as she rounded the corner into the living room, the reason behind the nervousness immediately became apparent.

“What is this?” Carmilla asked with a lecherous grin, the worry releasing its grasp.

Laura stood before her, surrounded by even more candles, so many that she probably should’ve been concerned about such a great fire hazard. The smaller girl looking beautiful, hair down in soft waves, minimal makeup, and wearing nothing more than an oversized white button-up that dipped just below the tops of her thighs. She looked up into Laura’s anxious face, watching the younger girl carefully bite at her lower lip as she rocked back and forth on the balls of her bare feet.

“This… is your birthday present. Or one of your birthday presents. I mean, I obviously got you something. Like an actually gift. This by itself would totally be a cop-out. And, wasn’t even part of the original plan. So, I guess it’s like a birthday bonus? But if you want you’re real present, you can open it now. Or later. Whenever. Again, your birthday. Oh! And I got Perry to make one of those chocolate espresso cakes you like. We can have that now too. Or later. Again, your-”

“Cupcake.”

Laura’s ramble halted at the interruption, the younger girl once again biting at her bottom lip as Carmilla moved further into the room, eyes still roaming.

“Again, what is this?” she asked, reaching for Laura’s hands, feeling the smaller girl’s fingers nervously twitching in her grasp.

“You said you’d never say no if I offered,” she said quietly.

Carmilla tipped her head to the side, attempting to decode the statement. It took her a moment to find the right file in her brain, but once she did…

“Oh!”

“Yeah. I mean, um, if you still want to. I thought… well, I figured tonight would be a good night to actually try this,” she murmured, still slightly rocking back and forth.

“Yes, Laura, I did say that,” she said, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear, her hand lingering against her cheek. “But… you know you don’t have to do this, right?”

“I know. But… well… I want to do this for you.”

“No. That not how this works, Laura,” she argued, moving both hands to the smaller girl’s waist and holding gently. “We don’t do things that one of us wants when it makes the other uncomfortable. We do things for both of us.”

“I know. And, yes, I’m a nervous wreck right now and I’m probably going to trip. You’ll notice I’m not wearing shoes and I have no intention of putting any on. And if I don’t trip, I’ll probably do something else that’s  **really** unsexy but… I want to do this. I… I’ve been thinking about it the last couple of days and… I’m not just doing this for you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. So… just don’t laugh, okay?” she said with a smile, gazing up through her eyelashes.

“Cupcake, I would never do that,” Carmilla said, pulling her closer and relishing in the feeling of Laura’s arms finally wrapping around her neck. She leaned in slowly, letting their lips meet for a long blissful moment.

“I know,” she said, smiling softly as they finally parted. Laura leaned in for one more quick kiss before spinning them in the middle of the room and slowly walking Carmilla backwards towards the chair that had been set there.

“Are you absolutely sure?” Carmilla asked once more, their lips brushing as she did but looking deep into Laura’s eyes, searching for any doubt.

“I have two rules, aside from the no laughing. One, just sit there,” Laura said as she gently pushed Carmilla into the chair, her smile growing just at the edges.

“And the second?” Carmilla smirked, unable to help herself, her hands already itching for her fiancée.

Reaching over Laura grabbed the remote to the stereo and with the click of a button, the soft music was gone and in its place was something entirely different.

“Alannah Myles? Wow, you really are catering this just for me, huh?” Carmilla smirked, watching as Laura rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Sorry. What’s the second rule?”

She saw the smile on Laura’s face transform into something else entirely, the confidence the smaller girl possessed taking over, and damn, if Carmilla didn’t think she was sexy before… She waited, watching Laura lean in, hands landing on top of Carmilla’s thighs, leaving only a few inches between their faces. Swallowing hard at the look in the younger girl’s eyes, a long moment passed, the anticipation building as the seconds slowly ticked by.

“Shut up.”

* * *

**_Present_ **

“So, wait. You ended up getting  **two** lap dances from me? One for your birthday and then again before… well, before the accident?” Though she was unable to fight her smile, she could feel the heat rushing to her cheeks.

“Yep,” Carmilla chuckled. “You apparently really enjoyed the birthday session, as did I, of course. And then, I told you before, you wanted to recreate it so we’d have something to think about while we were apart.”

“Well, not that I’m complaining, but it hardly seems fair,” Laura countered with a shrug. “I’ve given you two and you’ve given me… well, none.”

“Are you saying you’d like one, cutie?” she teased.

“I’m not saying… anything,” she answered, unable to keep the thought of the Carmilla grinding in her lap out of her mind. But… “I mean, I’m sure you’d be very good at it. And I’m sure I’d enjoy it, but, well, did I ever ask for one before?”

“No.”

She bit her lip, still smiling as she met Carmilla’s dark teasing eyes.  _ Yeah, that’s something we will definitely be looking into later. But for now… _

“Well, what else?”

“What do you mean, ‘what else?’ Do you want me to go into vivid detail?” she asked, her voice dropping. “Because I remember every second of that night.”

“No,” Laura giggled. “I mean, I’m sure you could paint me quite the picture but… I guess I was asking about… other things.”

“Other things?” Carmilla asked curiously.

“Well, I’m sure I could ask you to provide me with a bullet point list but… a couple of weeks ago, when I asked what we liked, you did mention something about us ‘finding things out organically.’”

“Ah,” Carmilla said, her own smile becoming more and more playful as the seconds wore on. “That I did.”

Laura smiled again and with the shake of her head, rose from her spot on the trunk in front of the couch. Her eyes never left Carmilla’s as she stepped forward and straddled the older girl, her hands immediately winding into dark locks as Carmilla’s hands found her hips.

“Might not hurt if you were to… oh, I don’t know,” she innocently shrugged. “Give us an organic nudge.”

“An organic nudge, huh?” she asked with a soft chuckle, her fingers moving up under the hem of Laura’s sweater, tickling along her lower back.

“It sounded good in my head.”

“Hmm… well, let me see what I can do about that, cutie.”

Laura just smiled as Carmilla finally kissed her, combing her fingers through the older girl’s hair as their lips lingered against one another’s. Finally pulling away, she smiled once more, really taking in the older girl’s face, and suddenly, remembered something else.

“Oh! And seriously, glasses, Carm. Such a good idea,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss her once more.

* * *

**_Two Days Later_ **

She attempted to muscle her laptop bag and the few parcels of groceries she’d picked up on her way home through the door, hoping not to drop anything as she finally stepped into the house. Kicking the door closed behind her, she carefully shuffled forward and dumped the contents in her arms onto the kitchen island with a relieved grunt. That’d teach her to not to be too prideful to take a cab home. She’d struggled for six blocks under the weight and already felt the slight ache in her left shoulder.

Rolling it front to back twice, she suddenly noticed the obvious quiet around her. But Carmilla had said she had no plans to leave the house that day. She made her way towards the living room, expecting to find her girlfriend curled up with a book, but frowned when she found it empty.

“Carm?” she called towards the other end of the house, but still nothing.  _ Maybe she’s asleep?  _ She dropped her coat onto the rack near the door and started towards the hallway when a piece of paper sat on the other end of the island caught her eye. Stepping towards it, her brow immediately furrowed in confusion as she took in the incredibly neat script.

‘ _ Cupcake, _

__ _ Get dressed and meet me at 9:45 at the bar on the corner of Logan and Pierce. No questions, it’ll be fun. _

_ Love, Carm’ _

_ Well… that’s super cryptic, _ she thought, immediately digging her phone out of her laptop bag.

**Laura (5:14PM):** What am I meeting you for?

**Carm (5:18PM):** I said no questions. I’ll see you later, cutie.

She’d been tempted to push for more, but had just barely refrained, that ‘it’ll be fun’ sticking out in her mind.

Maybe Carmilla just wanted to take her out for the night? Or maybe she wanted to show Laura something they used to do together or a place they both enjoyed? Regardless, she trusted her girlfriend and spent the next four hours a nervous ball of energy, her mind coming up with anything it possibly could on what the evening might entail for them. But when she arrived at the designated spot a few minutes early, she still wasn’t quite sure what this was all about.

The place was fairly nondescript, a brick building that had no windows or any other indicators that it was even open beyond the neon sign hung just over the door. She nervously bit her lip, desperately wondering what she was supposed to do next. Pulling out her phone, she fired off a quick text, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she pressed ‘Send’.

**Laura (9:43PM):** Carm, I’m here. What now?

**Carm (9:43PM):** Go inside…

**Laura (9:44PM):** Can you please tell me what I’m doing here? What’s going on?

**Carm (9:45PM):** Just trust me, cutie.

Heaving a dramatic sigh, she reached for the gleaming brass handle and pulled open the heavy wooden door, moving through a short hallway entrance, and emerging into what looked like an old speakeasy.

The aged bricks matched the exterior on three walls, the fourth covered in a dark wood paneling, all adorned with gold-tinted mirrors. Low lit chandeliers hung across the room, interspersed with dimmed track lights that only added to that older feeling. The few tables available were spread out, leaving plenty of room to move across the dark cherry flooring.

She looked down at the outfit she’d chosen. Modest red heels, since she’d definitely fall over in a higher pair, fitted, dark jeans, and the off the shoulder white top hidden under her peacoat.  _ I guess this is okay. _ But looking around at the few others doting the space, she couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit underdressed. It wasn’t like Carmilla had given her any other hints or guidelines though. And it was too late now to run home and change.

Shaking her head, she slowly made her way to the bar, where only two other patrons sat on the far end, and took an empty stool. Dropping her coat behind her, she looked around curiously, feeling the nerves in her chest dancing along to the soft beat from the speakers hidden above.

_ What now? _ Was she just supposed to sit here? Should she order a drink? Ask the bartender if he’d seen her gorgeous girlfriend?

“This seat taken?” She turned around at the sound of a silken voice, her jaw immediately dropping as she did.

“Wow. I… uh…”

“I’ll take it that it’s not then,” the woman said, her eyes flashing dangerously as she sat down, gracefully crossing her gorgeous legs.

_ Holy crap. _

Laura swallowed hard as she took in the sight. Black leather boots that reached up to her knees, dark burgundy shorts that just barely reached the tops of her thighs, despite the freezing weather, and a fitted black button-down shirt, rolled to the elbows. She found her eyes lingering on the shirt where she noticed, only two of the buttons were fastened in the middle of the garment, leaving an expanse of skin near her midriff visible and just the right amount of cleavage on display. Dark hair fell past her shoulders in subtle waves, perfectly framing the most beautiful face she’d ever seen.

“Uh…”

“Carmilla.”

“What?” Laura gaped, still trying to put her tongue back in her mouth.

“That’s my name, sweetheart.”

“Well, yeah… I mean, I know I have this memory issue going on, Carm, but-”

“Isn’t it nice when two people can meet… organically?” she said in possibly the sultriest voice Laura had ever heard.

And suddenly, it all made sense.

“Oh. Oh! Oh, right! Um… yeah!” she stumbled, still attempting to get her wits about her.

“So, I’ve told you mine. What’s your name?” she purred into her ear.

“Oh, um, I… uh, Laura.”

“Can I buy you a drink, Laura?” she asked, tucking a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear before slowly trailing her fingertip down to her shoulder and then along her bare arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake.

“Sure,” she squeaked.

She watched Carmilla signal the bartender without ever looking away, and less than thirty seconds later, without a word spoken, there were two drinks neatly sat in front of them on pristine white cocktail napkins. Two dry swallows later, Laura reached for her glass, careful not to spill as she brought it to her lips, hoping a little liquid courage would do her some good.

_ Holy wow. Okay, so role playing. Wasn’t expecting that but…  _ Her gaze fell on her girlfriend again and she took another large gulp from her glass.  _ Anytime she’s going to look like this… oh, I’m so there. _

“Hmm…” Carmilla began, her finger leisurely tracing around the rim of her own glass. “I thought you looked like a girl who enjoyed a good, full bodied Sauvignon blanc.”

And Laura almost spit the wine back into her glass, sputtering as she coughed, but somehow, Carmilla didn’t even flinch as she finally raised her Old Fashioned to her lips, taking a small sip.

Wiping at lips as she got herself under control, Laura finally looked back over to her girlfriend, still doing a great impression of a deer in the headlights.

“So, Laura, I’m glad I ran into you tonight,” she started, her fingers once again slowly trailing along Laura’s forearm, short black fingernails softly tickling. “I’m in town on business and it’s been such a stressful trip. I was really hoping to let off some steam tonight.”

“Oh my god, seriously, Carm? That’s so cheesy,” she said, unable to stifle her giggle.

“Hey,” Carmilla broke out of her seduction for just a moment. “You asked. I can either make that list with bullet points or we can have some fun. Your choice, cupcake.”

“Okay, alright, fine,” she said, reigning herself in and sitting up straight before turning towards the older girl. “So… um, you say you’re in town on business? What do you do?”

“Oh, a little of this, a little of that,” she answered, effortlessly slipping back into her role, her eyes holding an intensity that made it almost impossible for Laura to look away. Almost.

“Okay, wait. You really couldn’t come up with a backstory?”

“You are ridiculous, Hollis,” she said, chuckling and sagging onto her stool.

“Well, wouldn’t you have come up with something before?” Laura pressed on eagerly.

“Eh. That was always more your department,” she shrugged, still smirking. “It was my job to seduce and get you somewhere with four walls and no prying eyes.”

“Oooh! So I get to come up with the story?” Laura asked, her eyes lighting up.

“See, this is why this  **totally** more your thing than mine. You like to come up with the elaborate plans while I just want to see you naked.”

“Carm!”

“What? It’s a compliment. It’s gorgeous sight,” she said, her eyes once again playful.

“Okay, I have to ask. How in the world did this even come up?” she asked, smiling giddily.

“It was not long after we moved in together,” Carmilla chuckled. “I’d gone out to get us a pizza and had forgotten my key, so when I came back, I made a joke about the pizza delivery girl and asked if you might be interested in some dessert. And… yeah, it just kind of snowballed from there.”

“Pizza delivery girl, huh? That’s kind of hot.”

_ And like I’d ever turn down dessert from her! _

“It was a silly fluke that night. And then, not at all surprising, when you asked, all nervous and adorable, if we could try it again, the second time went something like this. I didn’t come up with a backstory and you gave me shit,” Carmilla said with a teasing smile.

“That’s…” Laura looked away for a moment, the smile on her face noticeably softening. “Sometimes it’s kind of nice to hear that I still do the same things. That… it helps,” she said with a shrug, finally looking back up into Carmilla’s incredibly loving gaze.

“I keep telling you. You’re still you, creampuff.”

_ Maybe she’s not entirely wrong. Maybe… _

“I know,” she agreed, smiling again. “I just… uh, god, I’m sorry, Carm, I asked you for this and you put out all this effort and… I’m totally ruining everything.”

“You’re not ruining anything,” Carmilla chuckled, sitting up on her stool and leaning in. “Besides, seduction has always gotten me where I need to go with you. Now come on, cutie. You love telling stories. What can you come up with?”

Laura smiled and leaned forward, leaving a kiss on the dark-haired girl’s lips, relishing the soft moan that echoed deep in her throat.

_ How did I get this lucky? Twice? _

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Okay,” she said, giggling and sitting up straight on her stool. “Are there any rules to all of this?”

“The only rule was we still had to be Laura and Carmilla. You always wanted us to be ourselves.”

“I like that rule.”

“I saw no reason to argue it.”

“Well,” she started, biting at her bottom lip, “what have we done before?”

“You want the answers before the test?” Carmilla teased. “Laura Hollis, tsk tsk.”

“Come on,” she laughed again. “Just… maybe a quick overview of the highlight reel?”

“Fine,” Carmilla relented, taking a slow sip of her drink, purposely keeping the smaller girl on the edge for a few extra seconds. She gracefully slid off her stool, nodding for Laura to follow her towards one of the empty tables at the back corner before she sauntered off, and Laura felt her mouth go dry again at the sight before she she quickly followed.

Laura sat in the chair Carmilla had pulled out for her, smiling once again when their knees brushed as the older girl took her own seat, leaning forward onto the table, all distracting seduction eyes. But Laura would not be deterred.

“Alright, quit stalling, Karnstein,” she said eagerly, her eyes never leaving her girlfriend at her right.

“Well, about two years ago, there was the detective night.”

“Detective night?”

“Mm hmm. It was a hard case to crack, but eventually, I wore you down and you ended up handcuffed to the desk in our hotel room for hours.”

“Jesus, Carm,” she breathed, her stomach fluttering low at the visual in her head.

“Then,” Carmilla continued, smirking smugly, knowing the exact effect this was having on the tiny brunette. “There was the model one, which is definitely a favorite of mine.”

“Please tell me you didn’t actually take pictures,” she blushed.

“They’re hidden in my nightstand. And, unsurprisingly, you are a fucking natural in front of the camera.”

“Oh my god,” she groaned, her embarrassment warring with her rapidly beating heart.

“And… a mutual favorite, despite my aversion to exercise. The yoga instructor seducing her student where you just bent me over the railing on our back patio and took me.”

“What happened to four walls and no prying eyes?!”

“It’s a semi-private patio,” she shrugged. “Only the one neighbor with the cocker spaniel can kind of see us and… honestly, that day, it was way too fucking good to stop and worry about modesty.”

“Okay, you are not helping me here,” she said, shifting in her seat and making Carmilla chuckle. “I can’t think of anything but those things now.”

_ And wow, it’s an amazing visual. _

“Bummer. Maybe we should just skip the warm up and head to the bathroom now,” Carmilla teased, lifting one of those perfect eyebrows as her hand met the inside of Laura’s thigh.

“Ew, no!” she cringed making Carmilla laugh heartily.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Seven years and I have yet to get you to agree to that.”

“Well, why would anyone want to do that?!” she argued.

“Laura, we did it in the shower three days ago.”

“Yeah, but that’s  **our** bathroom. Very different.”

“Alright, fine. As I don’t want to have this debate at the moment, because there are much more appealing things we could be doing right now…” Carmilla trailed off, her eyes once again turning heavy. “I’m waiting for a scenario, Hollis.”

“Okay, okay,” she said, snapping herself out of the haze Carmilla’s eyes were creating.  _ Seriously, how does she do that?  _ “Well, since I wasn’t prepared… no backstory tonight. We’re just two people, meeting in a bar, looking for some fun.”

“That I can totally get on board with,” Carmilla said, clinking her glass against Laura’s with a smirk.

“But, next time, I may just write you a script.”

“Yeah, because my brain functions so well when we’re getting hot and heavy,” Carmilla mocked.

“Well… yeah, you have a point there,” she conceded, knowing how mushy her mind became when Carmilla’s hands were on her. “Would… would you be opposed to any repeats?”

“Not in the slightest, sweetheart.”

“Good. Because… I’m thinking you handcuffed to the desk in the office would be… so good,” she sighed, moving into Carmilla once more.

* * *

An hour and a half and two drinks later, leaning further onto the table, faces close, Carmilla couldn’t help but mentally put a tally mark in the win column for the night. They’d had fun. They’d teased and flirted. There had been lingering touches and incredibly heated looks. It had waxed and waned, one moment light and carefree and the next, she found herself having to grip tighter to her chair to keep herself from throwing Laura onto their table and taking her right then and there. And the tiny brunette wasn’t in a much better state, going from giddy giggling to wanton eyes in the matter of seconds anytime Carmilla whispered just the right words into her ear or against her lips. 

It didn’t have to be perfect for it to work. It just had to be them.

“So… Laura,” she sighed dramatically. “You know, since I’m only in town for the night, I think you should probably take me home with you.”

“Oh really?” Laura said, unable to stop the small giggle that escaped as one hand played with the stem of her now empty wine glass, the other dancing along Carmilla’s forearm.

“Yes, really,” she husked, moving closer. “My hotel is just… so lonely.”

“Oh, that’s a shame,” she tutted. “A pretty girl like you should never have to spend a night alone.”

“See, now you’re getting the hang of it, cupcake,” Carmilla said with a playful smile.

“Ha, you broke the scene this time, now you owe me!” Laura exclaimed as she fist pumped once.

“Fine. I owe you two dollars now but you still owe me twelve,” she answered with a roll of her eyes. Switching back, eyes intense, she slipped a hand beneath the table and high along Laura’s thigh, immediately wiping the smug grin off of her girlfriend’s face. “So… Laura…” She trailed off once more as she leaned in, her lips just barely brushing against the smaller girl’s ear as her voice dropped even further. “What do you think, sweetheart? You want to take me home?”

She smirked as Laura turned into her, visibly swallowing, eyes heavy as they landed on Carmilla’s lips. The dark-haired girl let her hand dip further, dragging higher against the inseam along Laura’s thigh, just shy of where the younger girl clearly wanted it. And that was all it took for the tiny brunette to surge forward and crash their mouths together in a hot and heavy kiss.

_ Guess she’s over her ‘no prying eyes’ worry, _ she thought as Laura bit at her lower lip and pulled back. The younger girl’s hands reached for her to keep her close, one in her hair and the other sliding beneath the bottom of her shirt where the buttons didn’t meet, fingertips warm against her side.

“Can we please get out of here now?” Laura gasped against Carmilla’s mouth. Carmilla simply nodded, kissing her once more as she stood, pulling the smaller girl up with her.

Quickly throwing their coats on as they went, they practically ran out of the bar, Laura’s hands wandering inside Carmilla’s coat along her waist as they reached the street corner, their fast and heavy breaths coming out in icy clouds. Carmilla looked up the street, trying her best to keep her own wits about her as Laura’s thumbs dipped below the waist of her shorts, her mouth latching onto the dark-haired girl’s neck.

_ Yeah, definitely got over her worry of people seeing us about three seconds from ripping each other’s clothes off, _ she thought as a taxi stopped along the curb and she quickly pulled Laura into the backseat next to her.

Though the kissing never really stopped and hands continued to roam a little further than publicly decent, (Laura’s skimming along bottom of her lace bra beneath her shirt and her’s along the zipper of Laura’s jeans), they’d somehow managed to not rip each other’s clothes off on the cab ride back. Arriving fifteen minutes later, Carmilly tossed the furiously blushing driver a large tip as Laura eagerly pulled her out of the car and towards their building at breakneck speed.

Once inside, the tiny brunette pushed her hard against the wall next to the elevators, her mouth never moving away from Carmilla’s. The dark-haired girl groaned, frantically pressing the call button behind her as Laura’s hands moved higher, teasing at her nipples through her bra.

“Is this fucking elevator on a coffee break right now?” she grumbled against Laura’s lips.

“I really hope none of the neighbors come in,” Laura sighed, her mouth moving down and along Carmilla’s jaw, teeth finding her earlobe.

“Honestly, wouldn’t be the first time they’ve seen us like this,” she rasped, tightening her grip in Laura’s hair and pulling her back up, their lips meeting once more.

The ding of one of the elevators arriving was finally heard, and Laura fisted the front of Carmilla’s shirt as she pulled her into the steel box, back crashing into the nearest wall with a loud thud, holding the older girl tightly against her. Carmilla broke the kiss as she turned towards the panel of glowing ivory buttons, and Laura’s mouth moved away from hers and back down her neck.

She groaned again as Laura hit a particularly sensitive spot, those wonderful teeth making an appearance again, and the buttons in front of her began swirling together in a confusing pattern.

_ Shit. Which one of these is it? _

“Fuck… uh, cupcake… which uh… which floor…” she trailed off with a moan as Laura’s fingers made quick work of the few buttons actually fastened on her shirt and pushed inside.

“Third,” she sighed.

“Yeah, right… that.” She punched the right button and moved her own hands into Laura’s hair, their mouths momentarily meeting once again in a frenzy before she moved lower, immediately finding that spot beneath Laura’s ear that always drove the smaller girl crazy.

“Oh god, Carm,” she moaned, tilting her head further to the side. “As soon as we get upstairs…”

The elevator jolted to a stop, jostling them together, as Carmilla’s palm slammed against the red emergency stop button.

“Fuck that, I want you now,” she growled against her lips.

And Laura eagerly nodded, groaning loudly as Carmilla reached for the button on her pants, smoothly popping it from the hole, the zipper leaving no room to argue. Rushing to follow, the smaller girl fumbled with the button on Carmilla’s shorts, quickly shoving her hand inside, fingers reaching and finding exactly what she was looking for, much to the older girl’s delight.

“Jesus, Carm, I swear I will never get used to how amazing you feel,” she moaned.

“Fuck,” she sighed, her own fingers finding their way inside Laura’s lacy little boyshorts, the incredible wetness surrounding them heightening her own arousal to the next level.

She circled her clit twice, making the tiny brunette shiver against her, before moving on. Or… trying to.

“Goddamnit,” she grumbled.

“What? What’s wrong?” Laura panted.

“These jeans make your ass look amazing, cutie, but… oh, holy shit… not exactly the best for when… uh, goddamn… for when I just want to fuck you,” she growled, the complaint only making Laura giggle as Carmilla attempted to maneuver around the obstacle presented. After all, she was Carmilla Karnstein, and she’d be damned if this was going to stop her. And four seconds later, with her wrist straining uncomfortably at an odd angle, Laura sighed heavily as her fingers found their way inside her girlfriend.

“Guess you’re making it work, huh?” Laura teased breathlessly. And Carmilla merely chuckled as the jest turned into a long moan when her thumb found Laura’s clit, circling slowly with each thrust, their lips fiercely meeting again.

Her breath caught in her throat as Laura’s fingers curled just right, the tiny brunette’s thrusts perfectly timed as her palm drove upwards into her clit so perfectly with each pass, her other hand continuing to work Carmilla through her bra. How the younger girl had managed to remember  **exactly** how to touch her was still a mystery, but one she was definitely not complaining about.

“So… oh god… apparently, all that flirting at the bar was amazing foreplay,” Laura whined into her mouth.

And she wasn’t wrong. It had basically been two hours of irresistible teasing and sexy touches and come hither stares, all building them both up over and over.

And suddenly,  _ oh shit. _

“Are you… are you… oh fuck,” she moaned, desperately trying to hold on, her grip in Laura’s hair tightening and making the smaller girl release one of those delicious whimpers that she always strove to hear. But Laura could only nod, her fingers driving up one final time against the spot that had so quickly driven Carmilla to the edge, her palm connecting just right with her clit. And she couldn’t hold it back any longer, falling off the cliff, Laura about five seconds behind her, their moans of each other’s names mixing together in the heated air encircling them.

“Fuck, Carm,” she panted heavily, holding tightly to Carmilla’s shoulder as she attempted to keep herself upright.

“I fucking love that the really bad swear words only come out after I’ve fucked you senseless,” she chuckled into Laura’s neck.

“Yeah… well…”

And Carmilla chuckled again, Laura’s brain clearly still trying to catch up.  _ Not that you’re in a much different state right now, _ she thought, running her nose along Laura’s neck, the smaller girl’s scent surrounding her, a mix of her soft perfume and coconut shampoo and the natural fragrance of her skin, so goddamn intoxicating. Taking another moment to come back to herself, she carefully pulled her fingers free, grinning when Laura sadly groaned but followed suit. She attempted to ease the distress as she left another trail of soft kisses down Laura’s neck to her shoulder.

“Jesus… so… role playing is a thing, huh?” Laura gasped after another few seconds.

“If that’s what you want to call tonight, sure,” Carmilla panted, her breath washing over Laura’s ear, making the smaller girl shiver.

“Next time…?”

“Yeah, next time, cutie.”

Another long moment of silence passed, Carmilla finally moving back, her eyes meeting Laura’s before kissing her slowly, seductively.

“So uh…” Laura stuttered as they pulled apart, her eyes still heavy as they met Carmilla’s. “Should we go upstairs now?”

“I suppose we should,” she agreed, pressing the button for their floor again to get the elevator moving. She leaned back in, her lips just barely ghosting over Laura’s as her hands landed low on the smaller girl’s hips. “Though don’t think for a minute that I’m done with you yet, Hollis. Because I’m taking you again against the door as soon as we get inside.”

“Good.”

* * *

She continued stirring the contents of the bowl, humming softly as she did, the smile on her face unwilling, or unable, to leave her lips. She wasn’t sure which, but honestly, didn’t care. Looking across the room, her lips pulled even up further at the corners, the sight of clothes strewn haphazardly about the entryway bringing back some  **very** fond memories.

_ Wow. Last night was…  _ She sighed happily once more, looking back down at the contents of the bowl, continuing to hum softly.

She’d only woken up half an hour earlier, the sun already high in the December sky, indicating that she’d slept far later than normal. And one glance at the clock on her nightstand confirmed this. Then again, it was well into the wee morning hours when she and Carmilla had finally collapsed, a tangle of limbs, thoroughly spent.

Rolling away from her clock with a grimace, she smiled at the sight on the other side of the bed. Carmilla lay on her front, the blankets just barely reaching her lower back and leaving the rest of her gorgeously perfect skin on display. Her face was turned towards Laura, so serene and beautiful, her hair a complete mess, but that wasn’t a surprise. Laura leaned forward, leaving a soft kiss against her forehead, smiling harder when the arm resting across her torso tightened, pulling her closer. And it would’ve been a great idea to lay there and relax, taking in the exquisite sight, but the urgent growl from her stomach let her know that that wasn’t going to be a possibility. She’d gently kissed Carmilla once more, this time on her temple, and carefully extracted herself from the embrace. Pulling on a pair of sweats and one of Carmilla’s t-shirts, she quickly pulled her hair up and quietly made her way towards the kitchen.

Deciding that they could probably both use something hearty, she went about gathering up the required ingredients for their breakfast, periodically getting sidetracked as her memories from the night before kept resurfacing.

_ God. How in the hell did I hold off for so long?  _ she thought with a quite giggle.

“Mmm… morning, cupcake.” Laura looked up, smiling as she took in the sight of Carmilla standing there in a tank top and those gosh darn shorts, hair mussed, eyes playful, smile mischievous. “What’s so funny?”

“Hey,” she chirped, her smile growing even further at the sight. “Um… nothing.”

“What’re you making?” she asked, walking around the island and wrapped her arms around Laura from behind.

“Waffles. I thought I could bring you breakfast in bed. I was even going to put bits of bacon in yours, the way you like it.”

“Hm… while that does sound… delicious, I think I’m in the mood for something else,” she groaned, sliding her lips up the column of Laura’s neck.

“Oh? What did you have in mind?” She smiled as she listened to the soft chuckle echoing in Carmilla’s chest.

“That would be you,” she said, her grip tightening on Laura’s waist as she quickly turned her, their lips instantly finding each other.

“You are insatiable,” Laura groaned, gripping tighter at Carmilla’s tank top.

“We have a lot of time to make for. I didn’t have to you for months. That’s really not fucking fair,” she grumbled, her mouth trailing along the smaller girl’s chin.

“How is that not fair? You at least had the memories. I was flying blind!”

“Yeah, I know, I heard a blind moment in the shower one day a couple of weeks ago,” Carmilla snickered.

“What?!” she squeaked, heat hitting her cheeks, eyes going wide as Carmilla leaned back, that beautiful, infuriating smirk firmly in place, eyes playful. “Carmilla Karnstein!”

“Don’t worry. I left before it got too good, I promise.”

“Oh, you are just the worst,” Laura said, pulling her in again. She could be embarrassed later, when she wasn’t… busy.

Carmilla merely chuckled against her lips, her hands sliding under the hem of Laura’s shirt, slowly climbing her ribcage and palming her breasts.

“Are you…” she trailed off, unable to think, the feeling of Camilla’s hands against her sensitive skin so amazing.

“Am I what, cupcake?” she groaned, reaching for the hem of Laura’s shirt and quickly pulling it over her head.

Laura sighed as Carmilla’s mouth immediately returned to her neck, slowly trailing down with open mouthed kisses.

“Are you sure… you wouldn’t rather eat waffles?” she giggled, the sound quickly turning into a moan as Carmilla’s mouth found her left nipple.

“You or waffles?” Carmilla mumbled, reaching a hand up to her other breast, fingertips teasing. “No contest, cutie. You win every time.”

_ Who am I to argue that logic? _ she thought, reaching for the hem of Carmilla’s tank top and slipping it over the older girl’s head, those amazing lips only moving away for a quick second.

“I… oh god, that’s so good,” Laura moaned, gripping tightly at soft dark strands as Carmilla’s mouth migrated back to her breast. “I um… I thought you got enough last night.”

“Oh, no. We’re definitely not done yet,” Carmilla growled as she captured her lips again and pushed Laura back into the island.

_ But wait… _

“Uh uh,” Laura mumbled against her mouth, quickly spinning them.

“Uh uh what?” Carmilla grumbled, clearly confused. But it was short lived as Laura briefly nibbled at her neck before meeting her heated gaze again. 

“If you think for one second that you’re topping me again, you’re dreaming,” she said with a teasing smile, pushing Carmilla against the island. “You had your way last night. Now it’s my turn.”

“But-”

“No arguments,” she interrupted, hoisting Carmilla on top of the counter, the older girl gasping in surprise, and the mixing bowl falling to the side when Carmilla hit it, crashing onto the floor in a liquidy mess.

_ Collateral damage. Bound to happen. _

“Well, I suppose I could bend the rules for once,” Carmilla sighed, groaning once more as Laura bit at her collarbone, her fingers weaving into brunette strands that had fallen loose from Laura’s hair tie.

“The fact that you think that those are the rules is utterly ridiculous, because I want you now, and I’m taking you right here,” she groaned, moving up to older girl’s mouth, the desperate kiss a tangled mess of lips and tongues and teeth.

“Jesus, Laura, just fuck me already,” she panted as one of younger girl’s hands fell to her hips, fingertips teasing at the waistband of those goddamn ridiculous little shorts she continued to insist upon wear.

“What do you want, Carm?” she teased, her voice only making the blood leave Carmilla’s brain even faster.

“You. Fingers. Mouth. I don’t give a shit. Just now!”

Laura merely giggled as she tugged, quickly divesting Carmilla of her bottoms and pulling the older girl closer to the edge of the counter. Hands gripping possessively at her hips, mouth quickly moving down to tease along Carmilla’s chest and then her stomach, she was almost exactly where Carmilla so desperately wanted her when-

“What the hell?” A familiar voice called out along with a loud, unexpected thump.

“Wait, wha…?” Carmilla trailed off as Laura pulled her mouth away from her hip bone.

Two heads swiveled towards the source of the sudden commotion, and Laura couldn’t help but release a giggle at the sight of the front door cracked open, the chain lock straining against the intruders weight from the other side.

“Um, guys?”

_ LaF… _

“Fuck off!” Carmilla growled, her voice obviously breathless as she gripped at Laura’s shoulders, nails digging in.

“What?”

_ Danny… _

“We’re busy and you refuse to use your keys responsibly,” Laura added, her own fingertips now holding Carmilla’s thighs even tighter.

“Busy with what, dears? We brought bagels and donuts.”

“And coffee!”

_ Perry and Kirsch… _

“Something you don’t want to hear and if you stick around you’re going to get a fucking earful!”

“Come on, you guys can’t seriously be this dense. We’ll see you guys later!”

“Much much later!”

_ Betty and Mel, the voices of reason, thank god! _

“You can’t be serious.” She giggled again at LaF’s muffled voice as they closed the door. “It’s ten thirty in the morning and… I mean, they’re in the kitchen.”

“I hate your friends, cupcake,” Carmilla said, falling back onto the countertop with a huff.

“I’m not claiming them this week,” Laura argued. “It’s your turn.”

“Fuck that, they can be orphans.”

Laura simply giggled and pulled the dark-haired girl back into her, moaning softly as Carmilla’s fingers weaved into her hers, still tightly wrapped around her thighs, the tiny brunette’s mouth trailing back to where it’d been before the incredibly rude interruption.

* * *

“Has it always been like this?” Laura sighed, her body finally settling back against the rumpled sheets.

“Has what always been like this?” Carmilla asked, her voice slightly muffled in Laura’s neck.

“The sex?”

Carmilla chuckled, her fingers circling Laura’s hip bone in random patterns.

“The intensity,” she sighed, “yeah.”

“And the frequency?” Laura asked with a small giggle.

“Are you complaining?”

“No! I just… I’m just curious,” she said, combing her fingers through Carmilla’s still tousled hair. “Just… trying to figure out if it’s because we went months without it or if I’m constantly walking around with a bit of a limp and a wobble.”

Carmilla chuckled again, leaving a soft kiss at the juncture of her neck and shoulder.

“We’ve never suffered in the frequency department, cupcake,” she answered, snuggling back in. “It isn’t always like this, no. Sometimes we just want to be close. And not the naked kind of close. We are capable of controlling ourselves. But… we do occasionally have our phases where it seems we just can’t get enough of each other.”

“Yeah?”

“There’s a reason everyone gives us shit about always walking in at inopportune moments.”

“That makes sense but it serves them right,” she giggled. “Just walking in like they own the place.”

“You’d think that they would’ve learned after the first time. Or at least by the second or third. But… nope, not our friends.”

She giggled, still holding her girlfriend close, inhaling the scent of Carmilla’s hair, holding just a hint of the sandalwood shampoo she’d used the day before.

_ Sooo good, _ she thought breathing in deeply once more before pulling back just a little.

“So, um… can I ask another super embarrassing question?” she murmured.

“Cutie, I’m lying naked on top of you. This is definitely the time to be vulnerable.”

“I think our definition of what is and isn’t okay when vulnerable is slightly different,” she said with a giggle, leaving a soft kiss against Carmilla’s forehead. “How… how did the biting thing come up?”

“Afraid I don’t have a big reveal story on that one for you,” Carmilla answered with a shrug. “We just took our time and learned about each other. Honestly, wasn’t that into before but when you do it…”

“Well, you make the sexiest noise when I do,” she murmured.

“And I’ll deny I make those noises if you  **ever** dare to mention them outside of this room,” Carmilla warned with a pinch to Laura’s side, making the smaller girl giggle.

“Deal. So… that first night we slept in the bed together… you weren’t kidding when you disagreed with my ‘I don’t bite’ statement?”

“Nope. I never joke in the bedroom.”

Laura giggled once more, letting her hands trail from Carmilla’s hair, down her back, her fingers swirling as her hand moved up and down.

The frequency question had come to mind more than once over the last few weeks, but she had yet to voice it, worried about the answer. It was a valid question for her to ponder on though. After all, regardless of how she felt about her girlfriend, this was all still very new. But…

_ Even though this is new to me, in a way, it’s new for her too. All of this. Everything about us. But… at the same time, we have a history and we always will. And that history is important. _

It was a history that they’d worked hard for. One with tears and smiles and laughter. One with raised voiced and soft whispers and comforting words. One with soft touches and hard kisses and tight hugs. They’d seen each other through illness and lost family members. Through financial pitfalls and failed artistic endeavors. They’d guided one another past doubts and fears. They’d held tight during any obstacle that could possibly be thrown at them. That was their life then. It was still their life. The past three months hadn’t wiped it out or made it any less important or real. If anything, it had solidified their commitment that much more. They’d built this together, the two of them. 

_ Memory or not, I was there. It was her and I. And she saw that. Carm knew that. She believed it. She believed in us. She believed in me. _

“Carm,” she sighed, her voice gentle. “I… I love you so much.”

She felt Carmilla pull herself free, leaning onto her elbow and resting her head onto her palm, eyes curious and concerned as she stared down at Laura.

“Hey? What’s going on?” she asked softly, reaching up and running her thumb below Laura’s right eye, and the smaller girl realized a tear had escaped. She giggled softly as a few more leaked out, Carmilla continuing to slowly wipe them away, gaze soft and patient.

Laura reached up, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before cupping her cheek.

“And you… you believe me, right?” she pressed. “You believe that I love you?”

“Laura, you wouldn’t say those words unless you meant them. I know that,” she answered, slowly nodding. “I know that you love me.”

“And… and we’re still us,” she hiccuped. “Right?”

“Laura, we’ll always be us,” Carmilla said, her eyes somehow soft and intense at the same time, holding the smaller girl’s gaze. “You and me. We made this life together. That hasn’t changed.”

_ It hasn’t changed. I’m still me. I’m still me. I’m still me and we’re still us.  _ The words echoed in her mind, desperate to grab on and just barely sticking to anything they could reach, still foggy and disguised.

“Hey.” Carmilla leaned down, kissing her gently before pressing their foreheads together. “Talk to me.”

She swallowed hard, wrapping her arms around the older girl’s torso and pulling her fully on top of her, holding tight, the feeling of Carmilla against her soothing the ache just enough.

“I just… I hate that I still feel this way. I hate that I still feel like maybe… maybe I’m not me.”

“Laura.” Carmilla shifted just enough so that both hands cupped her cheeks, thumbs gently moving back and forth. “I wish I could make this better. I would do anything in this world for you to believe that you’re still you.” She watched the sadness leak into those dark eyes above her, shifting slowly. “What can I do? You tell me and I’ll do it.”

Laura stared up at her, feeling her heart swell at that moment, so beyond grateful for the amazing human above her. She could never even put it into words just how much she loved her.

_ I want to try though. Even if I can’t figure out how to say it, I want to show her just how madly in love with her I am. _

“Laura?”

“Sorry,” she giggled, realizing she had gone quiet for longer than expected. She sniffled once, smiling softly and turning her head to leave a sideways kiss against Carmilla’s left palm. “You’re already doing it.”

She watched Carmilla’s brow furrow above her in confusion, the sight so utterly adorable that she couldn’t help but laugh and rise up, cupping the dark-haired girl’s cheek as she captured her lips in a slow, sweet kiss.

“You’ll get there, cupcake. You will,” Carmilla said running her nose along Laura’s, bringing just the faintest smile to her face.

_ I will. Even if not for me, for her. _

“I love you,” she whispered as they parted. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Laura,” she said, pressing their foreheads together again. “And you know what the best part is?”

“What?”

“We’ve got the rest of our lives together to show it,” Carmilla whispered as they pulled apart.

“Yeah?”

“We’ve got forever, cupcake. Just you and me.”

“Forever? That… that sounds so amazing,” she said, voice quiet, swallowing hard.

“It does, doesn’t it?” she said with a smile, turning her head slightly, her lips meeting Laura’s wrist. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m good, Carm,” she sighed, the anxious feeling ebbing further and further away with each second.

“Okay.” Soft dark eyes held her own for a long moment before she leaned forward, gently kissing Laura once more. “So… what do you want to-” Carmilla chuckled at the sound of Laura’s stomach growling loudly, clearly done with the soft, sweet, and serious for the moment. “Come on, cutie. We never had breakfast and I’m starving too.”

“Well, I think the waffle batter is ruined.”

“You don’t think we can scrape it off the floor?” Carmilla chuckled as she sat up and moved towards the edge of the bed, carefully standing and stretching.

“Gross,” Laura whined, pushing herself up onto her elbows, her nose lifting in disgust.

“Guess we’ll have to find something else then,” Carmilla teased. “Come on. Let’s grab a shower and we can go out.”

“Okay, but keep your hands where I can see them,” Laura teased as she sat up fully, her eyes narrowing in warning.

“Me?” Carmilla asked, pointing to herself, her face a picture of innocence. “I’m a perfect gentlewoman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


	40. Somewhere In Her Smile She Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Laura is super adorable and Carmilla is a giant softy... but only for Laura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all. This one is kind of long.
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

_So beautiful,_ Laura thought, lying on her side in their bed, Carmilla facing her, fast asleep. She reached up, carefully brushing a few strands of hair off of her face, smiling when the dark-haired girl turned, ever so slightly, into her touch.

After her tears had dried and they’d showered and cleaned up the mess from the spilled waffle batter in the kitchen that morning, it had actually turned into a really amazing day.

She’d bundled up against the cold, wrapping her gray wool scarf tightly around her neck before shaking her head when she saw her girlfriend emerge from the hallway, no scarf, no gloves, leather jacket unzipped, and only a thin shirt underneath.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” she’d asked as she pulled on her gloves.

“No. My sunglasses are out here,” Carmilla had answered, completely serious, and Laura couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

_At least she put on a toque._

The sun was exceptionally deceptive once they emerged from their building out into the chilly day, their breath coming out in misty clouds in front of their faces as they made their way to grab a coffee and some pastries at Café Au Lait. Walking around afterwards, sipping from the cardboard cups in hand, they took in the beautiful window displays and decorations all over town, an explosion of reds and greens and silvers. The streets were busier than usual with it being Christmas Eve, but it didn’t matter. They strolled leisurely, arms wrapped around each other, with endless hugs and soft kisses and gentle touches, Carmilla’s hands always cold against her cheeks when she’d reach for her. They’d ignored any texts or calls from their friends, Laura only finally caving when Sherman called later that afternoon, shortly after they’d come home, looking for help setting up the webcam that she’d sent him for the holiday. It had taken an enormous amount of effort and almost two hours trying to walk him through the steps, but at last, he was successfully connected.

Laura had to admit, she was incredibly disappointed when he had told her that he wouldn’t be able to make the trip for Christmas, but she’d understood and put on a brave face. It wasn’t the end of the world. She’d still have time with her friends, delicious desserts to overindulge on, and… of course, Carmilla.

Carmilla, who somehow made everything better. Carmilla, who made her smile harder and laugh longer. Carmilla, who she was so utterly head over heels in love with.

_What more could I want?_

They’d fallen into bed earlier than normal that night, Carmilla drifting off within minutes from exhaustion that she’d claimed was completely Laura’s fault. But the smaller girl had been unable to follow. And now, she’d been lying here, wide awake for over an hour, simply staring at her girlfriend, her mind still edged with wonder.

Reaching up again, she cupped Carmilla’s cheek, careful not to rouse her as her thumb gently moved back and forth. Carmilla barely squeezed at her waist in response, the older girl having wrapped around Laura as soon as they’d slid between the sheets, the connection holding long after Carmilla had drifted off.

They’d come so far over the last three months. They’d worked so hard and it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted knowing that Carmilla was finally, fully, and completely on board. She was in it until the end. She knew and believed that Laura loved her and that the tiny brunette wasn’t going anywhere. She knew that they were going to be together, no matter what. And that was so remarkable to Laura. It felt so good to know that her girlfriend, while still having her own insecurities, no longer doubted them as a couple. That she no longer doubted Laura’s intentions or love.

Carmilla had been through so much and had taken on an incredible amount of responsibility ever since the  accident. Laura had always known that she’d taken on this stress for the both of them, but the realization of just how much had only recently smacked her in the face. And it hurt. It hurt because Carmilla never should’ve had to do this. She never should’ve had to undertake the burdens that she’d shackled herself with. But she did. She did it all without complaint because she loved Laura. Because she wanted their forever.

And now, after all this work, there was only one thing left standing in their way, and Laura knew it was all on her to overcome the last hurdle. She owed to Carmilla. She owed it to her for all that the dark-haired girl had sacrificed. For all that she’d lost.

And, damn it, she owed it to herself too.

It **had** gotten a little easier, rectifying the fact that she was still the same person that she always had been. But she still wasn’t completely there. Her internal mantra of ‘I’m still me’ wasn’t quite getting her to the finish line and she knew she needed something else. Something more.

She’d thought about it, over and over since their fight. Since figuring out what had caused the memory loss and finding out that she had, unknowingly, remembered a handful of things. If she could just figure out the puzzle to the memories that had resurfaced… if she could maybe find a trigger…

She’d been thinking on it constantly. She couldn’t stop. Even after Carmilla had pulled her off of the living room floor the week before, her words soft but sure, telling Laura that whether she remembered everything or nothing else, it wouldn’t change them, the question in the tiny brunette’s mind refused to go away. Carmilla’s words were beautiful, but Laura still wanted an answer. She still wanted to know why she’d only been able to recover a handful of memories.

And if she could find that connection, it might help her make peace with the fact that she still wasn’t one hundred percent riding the ‘you’re still Laura Hollis’ train.

 _If I could just bridge that gap. If I could just figure out the connection. If I could find an answer…,_ she thought, heart aching as she continued to stare at her sleeping girlfriend.

But, so far, she’d come up with nothing. Nothing was sticking out. Nothing was coming up in big neon letters, screaming ‘this is it!’ It really seemed that none of the things she’d remembered were in any way connected. So why those things? Why not something else? Why not something bigger?

Rolling onto her back with a sigh, she stared up at the ceiling, hating how powerless this was making her feel. But she couldn’t give up. She wouldn’t give up. She deserved to know more than why she’d lost the last seven years and all things relating to the love of her life. She deserved some real answers.

Carefully untangling herself from her girlfriend and climbing out of the bed, she tiptoed out of the room. Looking over her shoulder once to make sure Carmilla was asleep, she quietly closed the door, and padding down the hallway, her brain already switching over to investigator mode.

* * *

_Hmm… no touch… why no touch…_

Half-conscious she rolled onto her side in the bed, sheets tangling around her legs, and reached an arm out, intent on pulling Laura in closer. Seven years of sleeping next to the younger girl had spoiled her, and though she’d never admit it to anyone else, cuddling up to Laura at night had become a necessity.

Except when her hand came down, it was only met with the blankets that Laura had hoarded at some point during the night. Stretching a little further, she tried again, but only received the same disappointing result.

Reluctantly cracking her right eye open, she squinted into the darkness, blinking a few times to try and grasp what she was seeing.

No Laura.

_Why no Laura…_

She rolled a little further onto her back, looking around the room, searching for her girlfriend, the clock on Laura’s nightstand indicating that it was far past the smaller girl’s bedtime. The moonlight filtering through the clouds just barely gave her enough light to see, but the bedroom was empty.

Groaning quietly, she untangled herself from the blankets, her feet pushing into the soft rug Laura had chosen when they moved in, and hoisted herself from the bed. Stumbling along, she opened the bedroom door, moving into the hallway, a soft ray of light beckoning her from the kitchen. Padding her way across the cold hardwood floor, she rounded the corner, finally catching sight of the tiny brunette, hunched over the kitchen table, and, apparently, oblivious to her presence.

“Hey,” she grumbled as she shuffled further along, sleepily rubbing at her eyes. “What’re you doing out here? It’s after two.”

“Sorry. I’m coming back to bed,” Laura mumbled without even looking up, too busy scribbling something on the paper in front of her. “Just give me another five minutes.”

Curious, Carmilla attempted to straighten herself up, pulling at the neck of her wrinkled tank top with one hand and using the other to tuck rogue strand of hair that had fallen loose from her hair tie behind her ear as she moved closer. Coming around the table, she stood beside Laura, her eyes focusing on the jumble of pages laid out in front of the smaller girl, confusion taking over.

“Laura, what is all this?” she asked, noticing the crisscrossed lines dotting the papers.

“Nothing important,” Laura said, once again refusing to look up as she drew another line.

“Well, it must be kind of important for you to have left our nice warm bed in the middle of the night to work on it.”

Finally, Laura set the marker in her hand down and glanced up, eyes so restless and worried as they met Carmilla’s.

“Hey, what’s wrong, cupcake?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just… I’m sorry, Carm, I can’t let this go. I want to but…” She paused, looking back to the papers littering the table and sighed. “I just really want to understand why certain things stuck and others didn’t,” she explained, shrugging slightly before looking back up. “And I know you don’t think there’s a concrete reason and that I shouldn’t bother trying to figure-”

“I never said that, and what I did say… I didn’t mean it like that, cutie,” she interrupted, eyes soft as she knelt down beside Laura’s chair, her hands resting comfortingly on Laura’s thigh. “I just… I don’t want you completely focusing on the why. There might be a reason, there might not, but isn’t it better to just worry about what’s in front of you? About what you can control?”

“It is. It’s so important. But… Carm, you know me,” she huffed. “You know I can’t just forget about this.”

Carmilla looked away from those nervous eyes and attempted to take in the pages before her again, her own eyes squinting more than they should to read over the different things Laura had remembered and the possible theories the tiny brunette had come up with, all written in different colored markers alongside dates, because, of course, Laura would know that sort of thing and remember it, clear as day.

 _‘October 3rd_ _– Woke up in the hospital super confused on why LaF and Perry were being so weird – saw Carmilla for the first time; immediately felt some sort of familiar pull, but not sure what it was – she was super sad and I didn’t like it’_

 _‘_ _October 7th_ _– Restaurant (weird déjà vu feeling) – Nervous for my first full day home and first day with only Carm; she made jokes and helped me that morning; she was super sweet and respectful, even though her hands were_ **_very_ ** _distracting – made me feel comfortable’_

 _‘_ _October 10th_ _– Remembered how to play Chess – night before Carm promised not to leave and held me; woke up scared she’d changed her mind, but she stayed – felt like I could really trust her because she wasn’t going to hurt me’_

 _‘_ _October 18th_ _– Bought Carm a Christmas ornament and was going to buy her new drawing pencils – something up with her that morning, but didn’t know what – again didn’t like it and wanted to make her smile’_

 _‘_ _October 28th_ _– Mushrooms not in Carm’s omelet – after the fight and Carm saying she was ‘all in’; lots of hugs – both of us sad, but she seemed to feel better after I held her’_

 _‘_ _October 31st_ _– Caramel apple – night before found out what happened with Danny; Carm held my hand and I told her I cared about her – she fell asleep next to me and I knew she was safe’_

 _‘_ _November 9th_ _– Painting at coffee shop with Danny – something up with Carm again that morning; Danny told me about how Carm reacted in the hospital and it broke my heart – never want her to feel that way again’_

 _‘_ _November 11th_ _– Mentioned restaurant in Chicago and the bacon and potato quiches that Perry makes – game night after Carm finally promised to try and not see two Laura’s; cuddled on the couch before we left for LaF and Perry’s and Carm kept kissing my forehead – felt like she would always protect me’_

 _‘_ _November 26th to Present_ _– Sexy times – duh – we’re both happy and comfortable’_

 _‘_ _November 27th_ _– Remembered how to waltz – realized I was in love with Carm; her eyes were sparkly under the streetlights – felt so loved’_

 _‘_ _December 1st_ _– Photo in Carm’s bag for her trip – all days before the trip we were always together; day she packed, she kept promising me that we could talk as often as I wanted while she was gone – she wanted to make me feel better about the time apart’_

 _‘_ _December 7th_ _– Christmas song – the day before, Carm came back_ _early from her trip and said ‘I love you’ again for the first time in weeks; at festival, she kept smiling at me that super sweet and in love smile; she smelled so good when she held me – felt like nothing could ever hurt us’_

 _‘_ _December 9th_ _– Wedding planner (another weird déjà vu feeling) – finally told Carmilla I loved her the day before; she giggled and it was the cutest thing ever – she was so happy and I loved seeing that’_

 _‘_ _December 10th_ _– Christmas tree – Carm and I doing something we apparently always used to do; she argued with me over the tree and it felt normal, like we’d done it before; night before was the giant blow-up and everything finally got said; but we both want to be together; each of us is going to take care of the other – afterward felt so easy’_

 _‘_ _All the time_ _– T-Shirts – feels like a hug and even when they’ve just been washed, they still smell like her – keeps her close’_

“My shirts feel like a hug to you?” Carmilla teased, leaning in and leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s arm, just below the sleeve of her t-shirt, which, of course, was actually one of Carmilla’s.

“Yeah, kind of,” she answered, shrugging once again. “I just… it’s stupid but I feel like you’re always here when I have one on. That you’re with me.”

“I’m always here period, cutie.”

“I know. I know you’re here. And I know you’re not going anywhere,” she said, eyes wide and so full of love.

“I’m not. And I’ll tell you from now until the end of time if that’s what you need to hear to know that this is it.”

“I won’t say no to you telling me, but I already believe it,” Laura said as she smiled softly, leaning over and leaving a gentle kiss on her girlfriend’s cheek.

The right side of Carmilla’s lips turned up at the gesture, the feeling of Laura’s lips so perfect against her skin that she unconsciously leaned in just a little as they met.

“So really, what is all this?” Carmilla asked again, nodding towards the pages but keeping her eyes on Laura as the smaller girl pulled away, studying every inch of that sweet face.

“I just… I started thinking about what had happened when I remembered or what had happened right before. Just to see if there was any sort of pattern.”

Carmilla glanced back towards the papers, her eyes taking in the words once more, brow furrowing in confusion.

“I… I’m not seeing it, creampuff.”

“Why I remember one thing over another, I don’t know. That part really might be completely random. Maybe it’s something someone says or something I see or smell or hear. Or just what’s around at that moment,” she said with a shrug, turning her own eyes towards the pages again. “But what I was feeling… it’s all about you.”

And when Carmilla turned, and Laura’s eyes met hers once again, she saw the eagerness. The desperation. The hope.

But…

“Um…?” _Where’s she getting that?_

“I forgot everything because I was so scared of something happening to you. I was so scared of losing you. So when these things come up… its moments that you make me feel comfortable and completely safe. Comfortable that it’s us again and safe that you’re not going anywhere. Because you want to take care of me. And I want to take care of you. And we want to make each other happy.”

“It’s been three months though. You’re telling me that these were the only times I’ve ever made you feel comfortable?” It stung horribly. Three months and only a handful of times that Laura had actually been okay?

_Jesus, it’s my fault she that lost our seven years together, and this is all I’ve done since then? Could I be a bigger shit?_

“No!” Laura eagerly jumped in, vigorously shaking her head. “These aren’t the only times. But these are big moments. Big things that happened between us.”

“You remembering I like a certain kind of caramel apple is a big moment?” she pressed.

“No, it’s not about what I remember,” she said with a giggle as she stood and pulled Carmilla up with her, holding onto the dark-haired girl’s waist. “But the night before, seeing you completely comfortable with me… that was a big moment.”

 _No. Goddamnit._ This wasn’t going to end well. _She’s getting her hopes up._

“Laura, I fell asleep because I was exhausted.”

“I know. But you hadn’t done that before and you’d been exhausted for weeks by that point,” Laura said, that desperation holding on at the edge of her voice. “It was like you wouldn’t let yourself rest because you were so scared of not being there for me. That night, you didn’t feel that way.”

“Or, again, I was completely wiped out,” Carmilla argued, taking great care to keep her tone as soft as possible. “And why would the times when **I** was upset trigger something? That sure as hell wasn’t making you feel good about yourself, cutie.”

“No, but, Carm, this has never just been about me. It’s about us. Everything hasn’t been perfect the last seven years, and these last few months are no exception. We’ve had good times and bad. But we’ve always been there for each other. These times, that’s what it was about. It was knowing or seeing or hearing what one did for the other.” Laura paused for a moment, eyes wide, her hands gripping tighter to Carmilla’s waist even as her fingers fidgeted. “Even if I thought you were going to let me go, I wasn’t going to let you fall. And even if you thought I wasn’t going to stay, you never left.”

“Laura…” she sighed, staring into the smaller girl’s still longing eyes and feeling like an absolute ass.

“What?”

Sighing heavily, she placed her hands over Laura’s, giving them a gentle squeeze as she did.

“Cupcake, I will never leave. And I know you’re not going to let me fall. I just…” she trailed off with a huff, glancing at the pages once more before meeting Laura’s eager eyes. “I’m not trying to ruin this for you. I just don’t see how these things matter to what you have retained. I mean, who’s to say that you didn’t know all of those things anyway, you just didn’t realize you knew them? Who’s to say they weren’t just waiting under the surface for a random Tuesday morning or a Friday night? And some of these things, I mean, they happened, you felt a certain way, and then a day or two later was when it actually came out that you knew X, Y, or Z? I just… I don’t think…”

She watched the hopeful look on Laura’s face fall with each word she uttered, but she had to be honest. She’d promised Laura she wouldn’t hold back, and as much as those hurt-filled eyes killed her, this couldn’t be an exception.

Laura looked down at the pages, eyes now sad, and Carmilla felt her heart breaking, warring between wanting to make the smaller girl feel better and not wanting Laura to get her hopes up.

“Laura… I… fuck.”

“I just… I just wanted to find a reason why,” Laura finally said, voice quiet as she removed her hands and pulled away.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Laura. I… I’m not trying to say that this isn’t… I just… uh, dammit, I’m fucking this up.”

“No, you’re… you’re right. I’m trying to see something that’s not there. I…” She stared longingly at the pages once more before nodding sadly and starting picking them up. “This was stupid.”

“No, it’s not,” Carmilla urged, immediately covering the smaller girl’s hands to stop her. She carefully pulled her away from the table, reaching up to cup her face. But Laura wouldn’t look up, keeping her gaze fixed on her hands, worrying together in front of her. _No, I’m not going to take this from her too._ “Laura, if this is what you need to believe… if these reasons can help you feel better and move on, great. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But you don’t believe this is it,” she said, her voice still quiet.

“I believe that you don’t like seeing me hurt. That you never want to see me sad. I believe that you love when I can make you feel safe and secure. You smile harder when I make you feel comfortable. I believe in all of that.”

Laura finally looked up, eyes still sad but a tinge of hope had leaked in, and Carmilla pressed on.

“Cupcake, you can believe whatever you want if it helps you keep going. I’m not going to argue it and I shouldn’t have said that,” she said, her thumbs gently moving against Laura’s cheeks.

“But what if you’re right?” Laura practically whispered, her voice wet.

“And what if I’m not?” She paused for a long moment, her eyes never leaving the soft brown ones in front of her, full of unshed tears. “Laura, it’s okay if this is what you believe. If you think this is it, that’s fine with me. I’m not going to take that away from you. You have been hurt enough these last few months. I’m not going to be the one to hurt you anymore.”

Finally a flicker of a grin met Laura’s mouth and Carmilla nodded, leaning in to leave a long kiss against her lips, trailing her fingers up through soft brunette locks to keep the younger girl close as they parted.

“I love you so much, Laura.”

“I love you too,” she said, leaning in for one more kiss. “And… and you’re right. Maybe this is something, maybe it isn’t. But… but I want to think that it means something. I want to think that how I feel about you, and about us, is **that** important.”

“Then you do that, cutie. I’m not going to stand in the way.”

“And maybe… maybe there will be more stuff in the future?” she said, looking down and shrugging as she pulled at the hem of Carmilla’s tank top.

 _Fuck._ This was exactly what she’d been afraid of. Laura going down this path would only lead to disappointment for the tiny brunette.

“Laura…” She paused for a moment, attempting to choose her words carefully. “As nice as having all your memories back would be… babe, that doesn’t matter. You know that’s not a hope I’m banking on, right?”

“I know. I’m not either because, well, so far my streak hasn’t been too great. But, maybe this means I can get something?”

“Sure. Maybe it does. But, whether you do or not, it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change you. It doesn’t change us.”

Laura paused for a moment, swallowing hard as she looked up, finding Carmilla’s eyes, and Carmilla saw the fear and hope warring in those soft brown orbs.

“Are… are you sure it doesn’t though?”

“Why would it?” Carmilla said, as though it was obvious. “I love you and you love me. What else matters?”

She watched Laura’s brow furrow just the slightest as she absorbed the words, her eyes welling up even further, but holding back the tears. Unable to stop herself, Carmilla pulled her close again, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead just below the soft scar there as she did, her own feelings almost overwhelming her.

“Nothing else matters,” she muttered again. “Okay?”

“I… okay.”

She felt Laura wrap around her even tighter, the smaller girl holding on for dear life as they stood there in the silence.

Nothing else mattered. It was the truth. And they’d worked so hard to get to that point. A couple of flimsy memories wasn’t going to change that.

Finally leaning back after leaving one more kiss against her hairline, Carmilla took Laura’s hands and gently pulled her along. “Come back to bed. This will all still be here tomorrow when you wake up, okay?”

Laura simply nodded and allowed herself to be led away from the kitchen, Carmilla turning the lights off behind them. Slowly making their way back to the bedroom, they only parted as they crossed through the doorway, climbing into the bed just a moment later. Laying there on their sides, staring at each other in the dark, Carmilla reached out, tangling their fingers together and holding tight.

“You okay?” she asked after a long moment.

“Yeah. I guess I just… I was so adamant to find an answer because…”

“Because what?” she pushed, feeling the tension in Laura’s hand as the smaller girl released a heavy sigh.

“I know you’re probably sick of telling me that I’m not any different but… knowing that I have some of those memories… well, it’s silly, but I feel more like I’m really me. That there isn’t as big of a question anymore.”

_A question you planted in her head._

And suddenly, it was like a punch to her gut, the shame overtaking her, and Carmilla had to look away, unable to stand the love shining in Laura’s eyes. But, of course, Laura saw it right away, even in the dark.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Laura asked, brow furrowed.

“Can I ask you something?” she muttered, swallowing hard.

“Of course.”

“Did I do this? Did I...” she stumbled, feeling the pain she’d caused dig into her own heart. “Is… is this my fault too?”

“What are you talking about? Is what you’re fault?”

“You questioning yourself. Is… is that my fault too?”

“Carm, no!” Laura cried, squeezing her hand tighter as she shifted closer. “No, absolutely not! You… you didn’t do this. You didn’t do anything! **None** of this is your fault! I’ve told you that!”

_You losing your memory is._

“I was the one who questioned if you were the same in the first place. That… that wasn’t there before,” she said quietly, unable to meet Laura’s eyes.

“Yes it was. It’s always been there, but there were other things that took precedence. Like trying to figure out what my life actually was. Trying to figure out how the pieces went together between what I knew and what I didn’t. Trying to fill in the gaps without having what I needed to fill them. All of that… that was the focus.”

“But I didn’t help things. I… if I had just pulled my head out of my ass-”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” she interrupted. “Carm, I get why you initially wondered if I was different. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have the same question if our roles were reversed. But you figured it out. You figured it out a long time ago. And… as we’ve gotten closer and fallen in love again, it’s gotten harder for **me** not to question it because… I see how you look at me. How you treat me. You see me as the same girl that you’ve always known. And you were so crazy in love with that girl and-”

“But it’s you!” she eagerly cried, finally meeting Laura’s gaze.

“Let me finish,” she said quietly, leaning in to leave a kiss between Carmilla’s furrowed eyebrows. “You were so crazy in love with that girl and… you had seven years with her. Seven years of learning about each other and sharing and trying new things together. All of that was taken away from you. And, yeah, it was taken from me too, but I didn’t know what I was missing until I started falling for you again. When that happened, I started to question if I could be the same girl. If we could have that same connection and, if I was different, if it would matter. If it meant that whatever we built now, it wouldn’t be good enough. Because you deserve the best, Carm. We put all this time in together and… we deserve to have something good. Something amazing. After all this effort, it matters.”

“But I didn’t help anything. I only made it worse,” she tried again, looking away once more.

“Well, if that’s true, then all I did was make you doubt your own worth.”

“Laura, no! You never did that!”

“Well, if you’re going to make ridiculous accusations, so am I. Carm, the only thing you did was make me fall in love with you all over again,” she said, reaching up and cupping Carmilla’s jaw. “That’s… how many people get to say that about the person they want to spend forever with?”

She looked up, watching as Laura eagerly searched her eyes, so full of love, and so completely open.

“I just…” Carmilla reached up, resting her free hand against Laura’s cheek, sighing softly when the tiny brunette turned her head, pressing her lips against her wrist. “I want to make this right.”

“Carm, you’ve already made so much right. You’ve… you’ve given me back more than you’ll ever know. But…” Laura sighed, pausing but her eyes never left Carmilla’s. “This isn’t up to you to fix. This is my problem and… yeah, it’s not as bad as it was. But you can’t fix this for me.”

“I hate that.”

“I know you do,” she said, her voice quiet.

Carmilla sighed as Laura pulled her close, moving to pillow her head on the smaller girl’s shoulder, Laura’s right hand easing under her, and immediately starting to draw random patterns along her back.

She really did hate that she couldn’t fix this for Laura. That she couldn’t make this right. But she couldn’t force her to feel one way or another. She didn’t have a magic wand that she could wave and make it all better.

Of course, that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t still try…

“Hmm… you want to do something else for me?” Laura asked after a moment of silence, pulling Carmilla from her thoughts.

“Anything.”

“Tell me a story?”

And Carmilla couldn’t stop the small grin that met her lips, their bodies sagging into one another.

“What one do you want?”

“I don’t care,” Laura said, her lips pressed into Carmilla’s hairline as she spoke. “Just… just tell me about us.”

“Us?” Carmilla asked, the smile growing.

“Yeah…” A soft kiss against her forehead. “Us.”

* * *

**_Three and a Half Months Earlier_ **

“That the best you got?” she taunted from her hard plastic seat, raising her voice just the slightest to be heard over the echo of weighted plastic balls quickly rolling along before crashing into the heavily scuffed pins that were easily older than her. The giant grin on her face only grew as she saw her fiancée’s head flop backwards, looking up at the ceiling in frustration.

When Carmilla had asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday, she’d simply shrugged, honestly unsure and unworried about it. Dinner? A movie? Snuggling on the couch with Netflix? She honestly didn’t care as long as she got to spend it with Carmilla. But after Kirsch had mentioned bowling in passing  the week before, Carmilla had immediately rolled her eyes as Laura’s had lit up in excitement.

“Hey! Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be mouthy. Unless you’re going to put that mouth to good use,” Carmilla snarked back as she turned.

“Shouldn’t you be using your mouth since it’s **my** birthday?” she countered, only to giggle as Carmilla smirked and wiggled her eyebrows, sauntering back towards her.

And Laura had to wonder how she made those horrendous red and blue rental shoes look so damn good. _Because she makes everything look good. She could wear a potato sack and still be the sexiest girl in the world._ The incredibly tight jeans and off the shoulder shirt probably helped though. But just because her girlfriend was unfairly gorgeous, didn’t mean she was going to be deterred from her trash talk.

“Carm, look at the scoreboard, I’m wiping the floor with you,” she said, pointing up.

“Maybe that’s just because I’m letting you win,” she argued, looking up at the television displaying her pathetic score on the line just over Laura’s slightly above average one.

“Or maybe we found something you’re not naturally good at,” Laura teased as she stood. Stepping forward, she let her fingertips just barely graze her fiancée’s waist as she passed, looking up into those teasing brown eyes.

“Cupcake, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m awesome. At everything.”

And Laura couldn’t help but laugh. _Best fiancée ever,_ she thought happily as she picked up the neon green ball she’d chosen and turned towards their lane. Eyes narrowing in focus, she ‘adjusted’ her stance, even though she really had no clue what she was doing. Swinging her arm as she stepped forward, she let go of the ball, cringing as it took an unpleasant bounce, but managed to stay in their lane, rolling to the end, and knocking down half the pins.

“Yes!” she cried with a fist pump, turning just in time to see Carmilla shake her head with an adorable little smile before quickly schooling her face, the picture of boredom not even the least bit convincing.

 _Of course. Can’t let anyone see that,_ she thought with a giggle as she stepped back to wait for her ball to return.

“Alright, this is my last throw and we already know I kicked your butt,” she said, twisting slightly on the balls of her feet, the slippery bottoms of her shoes making it easy against the shiny wood floor.

“Yes, Laura, I can see that you won. Again, I stand by the fact that I let you win as it is your day,” Carmilla once again argued as she kicked off the musty rental shoes and pulled her boots back on.

Laura just giggled at the dark-haired girl, her smile all teeth and overly giddy, before grabbing her newly returned ball, and stepping back towards the lane.

Same routine. Pretend to adjust her stance, throw the ball as hard as she could, cringe at the resounding thud it made as it dented the lane once again. Only two pins went down this time, but it didn’t matter. Three games and three wins, Laura Hollis style.

Turning around with that giant smile still on her face, she moved back towards Carmilla, a skip in her step.

“How long are you going to rub this in for?” Carmilla asked with an aggravated sigh.

“Eh, six months? Three years? Two decades? We’ll see how much you annoy me,” she answered, grabbing onto Carmilla’s hips as she stepped closer.

“Fine. Gloat away. You can do that instead of continuing on with tonight's celebration.”

“There’s more? Really?” she asked, eyes wide with excitement as she started bouncing up and down. “What’s next?”

“Hmm… something I think we’ll both… enjoy,” Carmilla said, pulling Laura closer by her belt loops, her voice lowering to that octave that instantly sent shivers up Laura’s spine.

 _Oh yeah, definitely ready for_ **_that_ ** _._

“Let’s go, now!” she agreed, eagerly nodding as she leaned up and kissed the dark-haired girl solidly on the lips.

* * *

“So… yeah, this was not what I had in mind when you said it was something we’d both enjoy,” Laura giggled, bumping her shoulder into Carmilla’s as they sat next to each other atop the still warm hood of the jeep. Looking down at the city, the lights of Silas small and quiet below them, Laura smiled harder at the sight while Carmilla tipped her head back, taking in the wide open sky full of stars.

“Well, what did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Something a little more… intimate,” she giggled again.

“You complaining?” Carmilla asked, her words now muffled around the peanut butter and jelly sandwich she’d just bitten into, because of course she would pack the delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that Laura was so fond of. And cookies. And Pop Rocks and Sweetarts and marshmallow pops dipped in chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. And, of course, she would pack it in a cooler and hide it in the back of the car. Then drive Laura up to the highest point above the city, completely secluded from the rest of the world where they could sit together and just be. Because Carmilla knew her, and knew how much she would love this.

_Best fiancée ever._

“Not in the slightest,” she smiled, looking over at the dark-haired girl, taking in her profile for the once again as Carmilla stared out into the night, slowly chewing, and none the wiser. And for the millionth time, Laura realized just how beautiful she really was, all sharp angles and soft curves in all the right places.

 _I will never be able to give enough thanks to whoever it was that gave me her,_ she thought, sighing softly as she continued to stare, unable to look away. Watching Carmilla never got boring. It was never dull. And even though she’d memorized every inch, every feature, years ago, she was always on the lookout for something new. Something different. Something else to love about her fiancée.

Carmilla had woken her up that morning with soft kisses before making her butterbeer pancakes, the delicious cakes quickly losing their beautiful round shape though, because despite how good of a cook Carmilla really was, pancakes were a weak spot. The older girl had then run off to work on a few things with JP after the dishes were washed. Poorly, as there was still syrup stuck to the plates, but washed nonetheless. Laura had spent the rest of the day working on her own projects before Carmilla had picked her up for their bowling date around six. But she hadn’t expected the late night picnic, which really was the icing on the cake for the day.

“Good birthday, cutie?” Carmilla asked, finally turning towards her, smile slowly pulling at her lips as she leaned in and kissed her softly.

“Great birthday,” she said as they pulled apart.

“Alright, well, since it is tradition…”

Laura waited and watched as Carmilla turned away, unsure of what the older girl was doing until she heard the flick of a lighter. A second later Carmilla turned back to her, marshmallow pop in hand, a single lit candle atop it.

“Ridiculous tradition, but tradition is important to you, so…” Carmilla continued, holding the treat out towards her.

Laura giggled and leaned over, softly blowing out the candle, the resulting puff of smoke swirling up and around before vanishing into the night. She smiled harder as Carmilla plucked the candle from the pop and handed the sticky treat over, the sugar immediately taking over her taste buds as she pulled it from the wooden skewer and tossed it into her mouth.

“Did you actually make these or did Perry?” she mumbled as she chewed, marshmallow remnants sticking to her lips.

“Hey! I know Betty Crocker is the queen of all things sweet that you love, but I worked hard on these this morning while you were still asleep,” Carmilla grumbled.

“And you did a fantastic job,” Laura sighed, leaning in to leave another long kiss against Carmilla’s mouth, and then smiling as the older girl licked the transferred marshmallow off of her own lips. “Seriously, this is really sweet of you, Carm. I love it.”

Carmilla simply shrugged and kissed her once more, her eyes soft as they parted, making Laura’s stomach swim.

_Best fiancée ever._

“Okay, now, you don’t get to eat all this candy tonight, because you won’t sleep for six days,” Carmilla said as she reached for one of the pouches of cotton candy Pop Rocks.

“This is very true,” she agreed.

“But… we might as well enjoy some of it, right?” She smiled that adorable smile again, it’s appearance a true rarity, before tearing the package in hand open and pouring some of the hard sugared candy into her mouth.

Still smiling as Carmilla handed her the flimsy package, Laura tipped it into her own mouth, the sweet flavor of cotton candy meeting her taste buds, mixing in with the sugar and chocolate flavors already there. She giggled as the candy started crackling against her tongue, making Carmilla chuckle as well. Leaning in to kiss her girlfriend once more, Laura sighed happily at the sensation of Carmilla’s fingers gently combing through her hair, their lips pressed together, and the sugared sweets continuing to explode in their mouths.

There was no hurry. There was no rush. It was just the two of them, together and in love. Yeah…

_Best fiancée ever._

* * *

**_Present_ **

The first thing she noticed as she slowly drifted into consciousness was the delicious smell of coffee mixing with cinnamon wafting around her, so wonderfully warm and enticing. The second was the feeling of soft fingertips carefully brushing along one side of her jaw and gentle lips tracing across the other.

_Laura._

She smiled and hummed happily, blindly reaching up to wrap a hand around the nape of Laura’s neck, and pulled her in, their lips meeting for the first time that morning. _Good start to the day._

And after the night before, they needed a good start. They needed something easy and soft. Something sweet.

Finally, opening her eyes, she was greeted by the beautiful sight of her girlfriend, fresh faced and smiling brilliantly back at her, her excitement for the day apparently already on the rise. Blinking as her eyes adjusted, she took in the horrendous sweater Laura had donned for the day, the bright blue clashing with the overly decorated Christmas tree woven onto the front of it.

_Oh god._

“Merry Christmas, Carm,” she said, her smile still bright and gorgeous.

“Morning, cupcake. Nice sweater,” she quipped, snuggling back into her pillow and closing her eyes again.

“No! Don’t go back to sleep!” she pleaded, shaking at her shoulder like an impatient child, and Carmilla couldn’t stop the smile touching her lips.

 _Fucking adorable._ Still…

“But I’m still tired. We were up late because someone was playing Laronica Mars and then needed a ‘goodnight story,’” she groaned, pulling the blankets tighter to her chest.

“That story was so worth it. And you are the biggest romantic sap ever!” Laura said, pressing another kiss against Carmilla’s chin.

“And as a reward for telling you said story,” Carmilla continued, ignoring the comment, “I feel I deserve some more sleep.”

“Carm…” she whined, still incessantly poking her, first her shoulder and then along her rib cage, apparently with no plans of stopping.

“And I’m in absolutely no hurry to entertain company later today. Why should I get up?” she grumbled, eyes still closed.

“Because I’m making vanilla cinnamon pancakes!” Carmilla simply groaned. “And the coffee is fresh.” Another mumble. “And I want to spend the entire day with my amazingly wonderful girlfriend and enjoy our seventh Christmas together.”

_Seventh Christmas… together._

Carmilla cracked an eye open, taking in the incredibly sweet expression on Laura’s face, and felt her heartbeat echo in her chest as it hammered a little faster.

“Our seventh Christmas, huh?” she asked, her voice taking on a softness that only Laura had ever heard.

“If my math holds up, yep,” she quickly agreed. “ **Our** seventh.”

_God, I fucking love her._

“That’s really the best offer you have?” she teased.

“Carm!”

“Alright,” she chuckled, pushing herself up and softly kissing her girlfriend again. “Let me grab a shower first though.”

Laura smiled dreamily as they parted and then scampered out of the room without another word. Shaking her head in amusement, Carmilla hauled herself out of the bed, with great effort, and was just about to walk into the bathroom when the sound of hurried feet met her ears. She turned just as Laura peered back into the room, brow furrowed.

“Wait, do you like vanilla cinnamon pancakes?” she asked curiously, tipping her head to the side.

“I do when you make them,” Carmilla answered, feeling that warmth invade her chest once again as Laura eagerly smiled and bounced off down the hallway.

 _We. Ours. Us._ She sighed, feeling the tension leave her shoulders as the water pelted her skin a few minutes later. She still hated the fact that Laura felt the way she did about herself. And she hated that she still felt the guilt echoing deep in her chest, not only for initially questioning if Laura was the same, but for causing this whole mess to begin with.

After finding out why Carmilla was the only one gone from her mind, Laura had repeatedly told her one day after another that she wasn’t to blame. That she couldn’t hold herself responsible for what had happened. And she wanted to listen. She wanted to believe. Laura had never lied to her before. There was no reason she would start now. Still… it wasn’t as simple as nodding along and agreeing. And even if the tiny brunette’s words were starting to sink in, slowly, it was going to take time.

 _We. Ours. Us._ But they had time. They had all the time in the world and she knew that. And maybe as she attempted to forgive herself, Laura could find her own way back, and know, without a shadow of a doubt that she was Laura, Carmilla was Carmilla, and they were in love.

Not much had changed. In fact, very little was different, today being no exception, as it hadn’t escaped her attention that this was how their Christmas mornings had usually started in the past. Laura would always wake early, spend some time getting ready, and then wake Carmilla up, usually with soft kisses or violent shaking. She honestly never knew which one she was going to get until it happened. Then they’d spend the morning together before LaF and Perry would come by in the early afternoon. Perry would set about making everyone dinner while LaF and Laura attempted to ‘help,’ only to be shooed off when they got in the way. And during all of this, Carmilla would be reading. Or napping. She wasn’t sure which one she’d do today but there was still time to figure it out.

Half an hour later, showered and dressed, she left their room, slowly making her way down the hall. The sound of soft music could be heard from the other side of the house, but there was a distinct lack of ‘Laura noise,’ making her wonder what the smaller girl was up to.

_Probably snooping through the presents._

She smiled softly when she rounded the corner to the kitchen, her eyes immediately landing on the younger girl, and the quiet was quickly explained. The tiny brunette was standing in front of the patio door, both hands wrapped around her trusty Tardis mug, the steam slowly rising off of it as she watched the snow lazily drift down from the sky, softly blanketing the world around them.

Leaning against to corner of the wall, Carmilla happily took in every little detail of the smaller girl that she could. The way Laura’s toes wiggled ever so slightly within her thick wool socks. The way the index finger on her right hand gently tapped against the rim of her mug. From her reflection in the glass, Carmilla could easily make out the way her eyes were wide with excitement and soft with calmness at the same time, her lips barely curving up at the corners.

And not for the first time, Carmilla thanked her lucky stars that she’d somehow found Laura Hollis all those years ago. Other than Mattie and Will, Laura was the first person to show her what unconditional love really was and that she deserved it. That she deserved it from someone who freely wanted to give it.

It was a hard lesson to learn, and one that she occasionally still struggled with, if she were being honest. But loving Laura had **always** felt right. It was easy. It was like breathing in and out. She never had to think about how, she just did it.

Now, after everything that had happened, she was even more grateful for the gift she’d been given. It didn’t matter that Laura couldn’t remember anything more than a handful of random facts occurring sometime in the last seven years. It didn’t matter that they technically weren’t engaged anymore and that the spring wedding they’d been planning had been cancelled. It didn’t matter that they had struggled and fumbled their way through these last few months, holding on to one another as tightly as possible, hoping with everything they had that the other wouldn’t let go. Laura was still here. And she still loved her.

_What more could a girl ask for?_

“You know, you’ll have a much better view if you come over here,” Laura teased, her eyes never leaving the flurries outside, and Carmilla ducked her head, smiling to herself at having been caught.

“I don’t know if that’s entirely true,” she argued as she pushed off the wall and made her way forward, wrapping herself around the younger girl from behind. “Pretty sure any view of you is absolutely incredible.”

“Well, isn’t it better when you get to hold me while you look?” Laura asked, leaning back into her.

“Infinitely,” she answered, leaving a soft kiss on Laura’s temple before turning her gaze towards the doors, the world outside so soft and serene.

“This… this feels familiar,” Laura said quietly, pressing back even against her.

“Well, this is your twenty-sixth Christmas.”

“And my seventh with you.”

Their seventh Christmas… all theirs and already so perfect. _Just like the last seven._

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Laura asked after a long moment of silence, and Carmilla just smiled harder, holding her a little tighter as she turned to stare at her profile once more.

“Gorgeous,” she answered, her eyes never leaving her girlfriend. Leaning in, she left a lingering kiss along her jaw, only pulling away after Laura released a tiny giggle.

“This is going to be a good Christmas, isn’t it?”

“The best, cutie.”

“Okay,” Laura nodded. “I’ll start the pancakes then so we can eat. But… can we watch the snow for a few more minutes?”

“We can watch for as long as you want,” she said, finally turning back to the door. She smiled at the feeling Laura sagging against her and braiding the fingers from her left hand with Carmilla’s right, holding it tight against her waist.

* * *

She didn’t think it would be such a rowdy day considering only LaF and Perry would be attending for dinner. As long as they kept the bio major from trying to take anything apart, it usually was a fairly calm event. How wrong she had been.

The duo had walked in a few hours earlier, not bothering to knock, as usual, and making her roll her eyes for the umpteenth time that day.

_Did they not learn the lesson of the chain lock yesterday morning?_

But the thought was quickly replaced by something akin to panic as she took in what LaF was holding.

“What the hell is that and why is it here?” she’d growled from her seat at the kitchen island.

“This is Orbit,” they said proudly, their smile almost completely overtaking their face as they held up a tiny yellow retriever with a green bow on his collar.

“That wasn’t my question,” she said as she stood and took a menacing step towards them.

“Well, Per gave him to me for Christmas and we couldn’t leave him alone at the house,” LaF explained, like it should be completely obvious.

“That doesn’t mean it should be here,” Carmilla snarled, eyes hard.

“But… well…” LaF stammered as the smile fled from their face, their eyes widening as they turned to Perry for help, but the curly-haired girl looked just as terrified.

“Oh! Puppy!” came the squeal from behind her.

_Fuck._

Carmilla shuddered as, catching sight of their guests, Laura immediately dashed down the hallway from their bedroom, and over to the duo, fawning over the pup as LaF passed him over.

“Oh my goodness, he is so precious,” she continued, her voice not even sounding like her own.

_And now we have the ‘puppy talk.’ Goddamnit._

Carmilla turned back to LaF and Perry, her irritated stare making the pair shrink back again, their eyes wide and shifty.

“Oh, come on, Carm,” Laura pleaded with a giggle as she stepped over to the dark-haired girl, pushing the puppy closer and closer towards her. “Look at this face. How can you not love him!”

But instead of responding Carmilla merely raised a pointed eyebrow, her frown deepening as Laura snuggled the dog harder against her chest.

“Pretty please,” she tried again, eyes wide and soft, easily rivalling the dogs brown pleading ones.

_Shit. Not fair._

“Ugh, fine, he can stay. But if he makes a mess, I’m kicking your ass, lab geek,” she said, before walking into the living room, all the while listening to Laura continuing to talk to their new guest as though he would talk back.

And Laura had yet to leave the dog’s side ever since. She even insisted that he sit with them while they ate the dinner Perry had worked so hard to prepare. Nevermind the fact that Carmilla kept pointing out anytime the dog started to gnaw on the edge of the table or attempted to climb onto Laura’s plate, it’s paw actually landing in her mashed potatoes at one point. Laura would just resituate him in her lap and continue on with whatever the conversation was around her.

“Isn’t he cute, dad?” Laura cooed an hour later from her seat at the kitchen table, holding the golden puppy up towards the camera on her laptop for Sherman to see.

This was the second call on the webcam that Laura had made to him that day, almost matching the three times Sherman had called her. Carmilla cringed as she realized that the novelty on the gadget wasn’t going to wear off anytime soon.

“He’s adorable, Laura. But you’ve shown him to me about six times now,” he chuckled.

“Well, I can’t help it. I love him!” she squealed, hugging the little furball to her chest.

“Actually, L, I’m going to steal him for a minute and take him outside. No need for Carm to get violent with me,” LaF said as they reached for the dog, their own smile refusing to fall.

“Oh, I’ll come with you!” Laura said before turning back to the camera. “I’ll be back in a minute, okay, dad? Here, talk to Carm for now.” And before Carmilla could argue, the laptop was spun towards her in her seat next to her girlfriend, and Laura was out of her chair like a bullet, quickly pulling on her boots and coat to follow LaF out of the house before anyone could disagree.

“I think you’re in trouble,” Sherman said, grabbing Carmilla’s attention away from where her girlfriend had just disappeared.

“Um, why’s that?” she asked, her voice uncomfortable. _This is weird._ Sure, she could talk to Sherman in person, no problem. They didn’t have long, drawn out, deep discussions, but they could handle the basics just fine. But that was about the extent of it. They’d never been ones to talk on the phone with each other unless absolutely necessary so this was definitely new territory.

“Because I guarantee she’s going to try and haul you out to the shelter tomorrow to try and find a pup for herself,” he chuckled, and dammit, Carmilla knew he was right. Still…

“Yeah, well, she can go over to LaF’s and play with that one because we’re **not** getting a dog.”

“Yeah. Sure,” he laughed again. “Because you don’t give into her every whim and want.”

“This is one I’m standing firm on,” she grumbled, folding her hands on top of the table.

Okay, maybe this wouldn’t be too bad. They could just talk about how to avoid Laura bringing home a stray anytime soon. But that idea was quickly squashed as Sherman simply shrugged and looked away from the screen. The moment of quiet that followed was uncomfortable, the only sound coming from Perry across the kitchen, cleaning up the dinner mess.

“It’s uh… it’s too bad you couldn’t come this year,” Carmilla finally said, looking up into the camera.

“Yeah, well, work’s been busy and I just couldn’t manage to slip away.”

“I know. And so does Laura. She understands. At least you can see her when you call now though.”

“Yeah. I… I miss her. Miss her like crazy but…” he trailed off, his no nonsense scowl coming to his face as he turned back towards the camera. “Well, I really was hoping to get out there for a few days. I wanted to check on her. Make sure everything was… taken care of.”

 _Ouch._ She looked down her fingers fidgeting atop the table, nervously picking at her black nail polish.

“I understand,” she said quietly. And she did. His only daughter had gotten hurt and been put through so much over the last few months. He wasn’t here to take care of her and make sure everything was alright, but Carmilla was. Obviously, he wanted to make sure she hadn’t fucked up and made things any worse.

_Of course._

“So, how’s she really doing?” Sherman asked, eyes still hard when she looked back up.

She knew she’d probably be getting the third degree at some point from the older man. It wouldn’t have been the first time. But she hadn’t been prepared for it to happen today.

“She’s uh… she’s good,” she answered with a slight shrug.

“How good?” he pressed, sitting back in his own chair and folding his arms across his chest.

“Really good,” she said, leaning forward and meeting his stare. The least she could do was look him in the eye for this.

“You want to give me a little more?”

“She’s really okay, Sherman,” she answered, knowing what he was fishing for. Knowing he wasn’t going to let up until he knew for sure that Laura really was fine. “I get that you worry about her, but the way she’s handled all of this and how she’s never given up… it’s amazing. She’s amazing.”

“Well, she’s stubborn. It’s a Hollis thing,” he shrugged, his eyes softening ever so slightly around the edges.

“Yeah, I know,” she said with a quiet chuckle, the joke breaking the bit of tension that had gathered around them. “And I know you’re going to keep worrying because you love her. But she really is good. Sometimes… sometimes it’s like nothing happened at all. And, hopefully, as more time passes, that’ll become the norm.”

“Well… alright. I just wanted to make sure.” She nodded, turning and looking out the back doors, the light from the day gone as night settled over them, along with the snow accumulating on the patio.

_Okay, dodged that._

“She uh… she told me about why you all think she lost her memories in the first place,” he continued a moment later, the bullet hitting her right in the chest.

And she felt it. She felt the anger and the judgment, even through the screen. She was the reason they were in this mess. It was her fault that Laura had been put in such a shitty position. Even if Laura had been adamant that it wasn’t Carmilla’s doing, knowing that her girlfriend’s father clearly had an opinion on it, an opinion that clearly was unfavorable… it just ripped open what little bit of the wound she’d been able to bandage.

“Yeah.” She nodded, looking back down at her hands on the table, now formed into tight fists, the shame eating at her. “I mean, I can’t think of anything else. No one can, and… well, it just makes sense.”

“It does,” he agreed, voice gruff.

And there it was. The fact that Sherman Hollis knew without a doubt that she’d been the one to get Laura hurt. That she was the cause of this entire mess.

It may not have been intentional. She would never have set out to hurt Laura in any way. But it had happened just the same. And a hurt Laura was never okay in Sherman’s book. She knew he’d be angry if and when he found out. She knew he’d have an opinion and probably a mouthful to say about it. She knew she was probably going to lose some favor in his eyes. Favor that had taken a long time over the years to build up. Favor that, though she hated to admit it, she desperately wanted to keep, if only for Laura’s sake. Sherman meant everything to the smaller girl and Carmilla… well, she was the biggest piece of Laura’s life. She was who Laura had chosen to be with. It had been so important to Laura that they get along. And now… well, now they were going to have to start all over. If Sherman would even give her that chance. She honestly didn’t know if he would. Laura was his little girl and someone hurting her was completely unacceptable. But she’d try. She do anything to not make this worse. To not make a bigger mess than she already had.

She opened her mouth, unsure of what apology she could offer, but Sherman beat her to it.

“You didn’t do it, kid,” he said gently as if reading her mind.

Confused, she quickly looked back up, frowning and taking in the now soft expression crossing the older Hollis’s face.

“When she told me about the why, she told me you blame yourself. And, seeing you just now, I can tell it’s true,” he continued. “But no one else blames you. I don’t. Your friends don’t. And neither does Laura.”

“She should,” Carmilla said quietly.

“She doesn’t. And she won’t,” he countered.

“But if I’d have just listened to her though-”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” he interrupted. “That wouldn’t have changed the accident. And it wouldn’t have taken away her fear of something happening to you, Carmilla.”

“Maybe not but at least I wouldn’t have made it worse because I didn’t want to listen. Because I wasn’t really hearing what she was trying to say to me,” she argued.

“Then she should’ve said it more clearly,” he pressed, voice calm as he sat forward in his own seat, folding his hands in front of him. “But she loves you and she’s never going to be the one to tell you what you can and can’t do.”

“But if I’d have just-”

“No,” he interrupted again, shaking his head. “You can’t keep beating yourself up for it. You didn’t do it.”

Carmilla looked away, feeling that embarrassing heat building up behind her eyes, and clenched her jaw, fighting it with all her might.

_I did do it though. She lost so much because of me._

“Carmilla, I understand why you feel the way you do. But, kid, you beating yourself up about it, isn’t going to change anything. What’s done is done, so punishing yourself isn’t doing a damn bit of good. It’s… it’s only going to hurt Laura.”

“I don’t want to hurt her anymore,” she said quietly, still looking away from the camera and out into the cold dark.

“I know you don’t. That’s been made abundantly clear for a few years now.” Curious she turned back to the screen, seeing Sherman’s face still soft and understanding. “But, for this… you have to forgive yourself. Even if not because you need to move on, do it for her. I know you’ve already done a lot for her but… this isn’t a burden either of you need to shoulder. It’s… it’s just too damn heavy, kid.”

“That’s easier said than done,” she mumbled, looking down at her hands again, noticing she’d picked off all of the polish on her thumb just during the course of this conversation. “And even if I can… it’s going to take me a while.”

Looking back up, she watched Sherman nod, knowingly, his eyes sad.

“You know, it’s always going to be in the back of your mind.” He paused for a long moment, looking at something across the room. “You know about Laur’s mom. You know what happened.”

Carmilla glanced up above the laptop, noticing Perry still cleaning the dishes, seemingly oblivious to the conversation.

“Yeah. She told me the whole story a few months after we started dating,” she answered, looking back at the screen.

“Right after it happened… I couldn’t help but blame myself. Laur was so young and she didn’t deserve to lose her mom like that.” He paused for another long moment, eyes plagued with the past. “If I’d have convinced her to get help earlier… I tried but she brushed it off. Said it was just an extra-long cold. Said she be fine. She’d been terrified of doctors since she was a kid,” he chuckled solemnly. “She didn’t even like taking Laur in for her check-ups. Just about damn near had a panic attack every time she had to. But… then the headaches started. And the weight loss. And then… well, by the time she finally went, it was too late.”

“You didn’t make her sick though,” Carmilla countered softly.

“No. But I loved her so much and… I didn’t want push her into doing something that was going to make her suffer. If I had though, she might’ve gotten a few more years. Might’ve seen Laur grow up and been there for her birthdays and her plays and graduations. She might’ve even been here today, seeing how good you treat her daughter. How happy you make her.”

Carmilla swallowed hard, eyes widening at the soft, sad smile on Sherman’s face.

“You’re always going to feel that tiny bit of guilt, Carmilla. Unfortunately, that’s not going to go away. And you can’t change the past. What’s done is done. And you can’t change the world, kid. But… you can change **her** world. You have changed her world.”

The words pushed into her, heavy and honest, but still surprising. What had she ever done to change Laura’s world? And what was it that Sherman saw?

He chuckled, taking in her obviously shocked expression before sitting back in his chair, the smile never leaving his face.

“She was so in love with you for all those years. You made everything brighter. You made it sweeter. You made her heart feel safe. And she’s still in love with you. And… after everything that’s happened… you know, I feel like I should thank you, just for sticking around to take care of her. But, I know you didn’t do it because you felt bad or guilty. You stepped up and you did what you were supposed to do. Because you love her. You took care of her. You showed her that life goes on.”

“I… I never would’ve left, Sherman,” she said, voice quiet, his words still working their way into her heart.

“I know.” A long moment of silence passed between them, this one a little different than the others. She watched him carefully as he looked away, sighing softly before meeting her eyes through the camera again. “You’re going to make a great daughter-in-law someday.”

Her eyes widened just slightly again as the right side of her mouth involuntarily tipped upwards, and Sherman laughed once more, this time loud and hearty. Maybe she hadn’t completely blown it. Maybe this could still be alright.

“I hope so,” she finally said, her voice just barely audible.

And he nodded, still chuckling.

The sound of the front door opening and closing could be heard to her right as Laura and LaF barreled in, laughing and loud, the dog scampering in with them, it’s wet paws slipping along the floor.

“She’s back,” she said, looking towards the camera again.

“So I hear,” he smiled. She nodded and swiveled the laptop back towards the chair Laura had been sitting in before, the smaller girl plopping down there with a giggle and a huff just a moment later, her cheeks red from the cold.

“Okay, did I miss anything?” she asked, smiling into the camera.

“Nothing important,” Sherman answered. “Just shop talk.”

Carmilla grinned, grateful, and stood from her seat, intent on stepping out of the room for a moment to really gather herself.

Sherman’s words had been a lot to take in, and they were ones that she definitely wasn’t expecting to hear. He saw something in her. Something that was good for Laura. Something that was worth the tiny brunette’s love and affection. And knowing that someone else out there saw the good in her, saw her worth in Laura’s eyes, and agreed with it, felt so unreal. He’d never been one to give away unearned praise. What he’d just said meant something. And despite its pleasant connotations, she needed some time to try and wrap her head around it.

But just as she was about to turn away and hole up in the living room for a while, she looked up, and noticed Perry eyeing her closely, thoughtfully.

The curly-haired girl gave a little nod and a small smile before turning back towards the pot she was handwashing.

Carmilla stopped, curious at the gesture, and instead of leaving the room as she’d intended, moved across the kitchen. Grabbing onto the dish towel sitting on the counter, she starting to dry the items Perry had already washed, the two working in tandem for a few quiet moments.

“He’s right, you know?” Perry final said, washing a plate and staring out the window, her voice low so that neither Laura nor LaF could hear her from their spots giggling at the table. “You’ve changed her world more than once now. And always, for the better.”

Carmilla swallowed hard at that thought, one that had really never occurred to her. And here she was, hearing it for the second time in less than twenty minutes, from sometime else who deeply cared about the younger girl.

She knew Laura had changed her world many times over the last seven years. But she’d never thought about how it would work the other way around. And, yes, Laura loved her, but she’d never guessed that she could have the same impact. But maybe… maybe she did. Maybe she could? Maybe she could make Laura’s world better once again?

Words stuck in her throat, she nodded softly as Perry handed her the now clean plate to dry, neither of them saying anything more as they finished the dishes.

* * *

**_Three Weeks Later_ **

“It was that tree over there?” Laura asked with a smile, pointing to the prominent oak on the left side of the pond, the water frozen over for the season.

“Yep.” Carmilla nodded, leaning forward onto the railing of the bridge, her eyes roaming over the scene in front of her.

Feeling bold, they’d bundled up (or Laura had, while Carmilla simply pulled a sweater on under her leather jacket at Laura’s insistence), and braved the cold to get out of the house for a few hours. The sun was shining brightly, though doing nothing to ease the discomfort caused every time a gust of wind picked up, blasting them in the face. Still, Laura had wanted some fresh air, and they’d decided to take a short walk before stopping in at one of their local favorites for dinner. And with no real direction in mind, they of course, ended up at the park. At their park, hand in hand as they casually strolled, only stopping once they reached the adorable little wooden bridge that they currently stood on.

“So now every time we come here, you always like to swing by and pay the tree a visit,” she chuckled.

“It’s sentimental, I get it. It’s where you proposed, that means something,” Laura argued, smiling softly at the thought. Bouncing on the balls of her feet atop the little wooden bridge to keep warm, the supports loudly creaked beneath her slight weight, but held firm. “Visiting that spot… it’s something I would do.”

“Well, you’re Laura,” Carmilla shrugged, continuing to stare off.

And she had to smile. It was the same phrase Carmilla had been uttering since the day after Christmas.

Every day. Sometimes multiple times throughout the course of twenty-four hours. For weeks now. Any time Laura said or did something remotely resembling a comparison between herself before and after the accident, Carmilla would shrug, say the words, and go back to whatever it was she was doing, as if nothing had happened. As if she’d never spoken at all.

The first time had been the morning after the holiday. Laura had gotten up and run out for some croissants and coffee, and by the time she’d gotten back home, Carmilla was awake, hair still wet from her shower, and sitting at the table, working on some edits.

“Morning, cutie,” she said, not even bothering to look up as she pecked at her keyboard, her voice still a little scratchy with sleep.

“Hey. I didn’t think you’d already be up.” But Carmilla was too invested in her work to respond, making Laura smile. She set her things down, pulling one of the still warm baked goods out of the waxy paper bag, and set it next to Carmilla, along with the still steaming cup of coffee. “I got you the bacon filled one. I figured that would be the best choice.”

“Well, you’re Laura,” Carmilla said, reaching for the coffee, eyes still on her laptop screen.

Laura had turned to her curiously, waiting for more, but nothing else came. Well, nothing besides the soft moan at the first bite of her bacon croissant.

The next night, they’d been cuddled up on the couch beneath a soft throw, Laura’s arms around Carmilla’s waist, the dark-haired girl’s back pressed firmly against her chest. She’d given up remote duties because she didn’t want to let go, but was starting to regret it as Carmilla decided to go ‘old school’ and actually flip from one channel to the next.

“Carm, seriously. Just pull up the guide. It’ll be faster.”

“Why are you in a hurry? We have nothing else to do tonight.”

“Because! This is… ugh, this is annoying and I’m starting to think you’re doing it on purpose now just to bug me,” she said with a giggle, squeezing her girlfriend closer.

“Everything moves so fast nowadays. Relax. Enjoy the little things.”

“Ugh, you are such a pain in the- oh! Yes! Princess Bride! Please,” she squealed.

“As you wish,” Carmilla quipped.

“You know. I think you are secretly, possibly the biggest dork ever,” she giggled.

“Well, you’re Laura,” Carmilla said, shrugging as she set the remote down and sagged against her.

This kept happening. Over and over and over.

Laura chose a glazed donut over a jelly filled one on their trip to the bakery up the street.

“Well, you’re Laura,” Carmilla mumbled, eyes on her phone as she sent a text to JP.

She spent the day writing at one of the cafés she was so fond of instead of at home.

“Well, you’re Laura,” Carmilla said as she went back to cooking dinner for them.

Feeling rather amorous, she grabbed Carmilla as soon as the dark-haired girl had walked in the door from running errands one afternoon, muttering an ‘I want you now’ against her lips.

“Well… you’re, uh… you’re Laura,” Carmilla panted as her brain began functioning again twelve minutes later, attempting to steady herself against the wall as she rebuttoned her jeans with shaky fingers.

Out for drinks with Mel, Kirsch, and their significant others, Laura ordered for them both while Carmilla was in the restroom. After she returned, the dark-haired girl smiled and nodded that the order of a whiskey neat was exactly what she wanted. Laura had smiled, saying she had a hunch she’d picked the right cocktail.

“Well, you’re Laura,” Carmilla had smiled, taking a sip. And then she turned back towards Mel and Kirsch, the trio already in the middle of arguing over the newest remake of one of their favorite classic slasher movies.

It seemed Carmilla wasn’t completely willing to let this go either. Every day it was something different. Sometimes small. Sometimes big. But every single time, Laura felt it.

She had said that she was going to pass this last hurdle herself. That she was going to have to be the one to learn to trust herself again, but it seemed that Carmilla had still found a way to help. She had still found a way to give Laura exactly what she needed. She’d still found a way to make things better.

And, slowly, it had started becoming more than just words. Slowly Laura had started to accept it. And then believe it. Slowly she had stopped worrying about who she was and if she was going to lose Carmilla. She stopped worrying that they wouldn’t find a way back to each other. After all, they were here, together. It had already happened. It had been happening, from day one. It had started the moment that her eyes had met Carmilla’s in that hospital, so soft and warm and full of more love than she could ever comprehend.

They had found their way back and it was time to stop fighting it. It was time to stop questioning it. It was time to really move forward and just be.

_We’re going to be okay. We always are because… we’re us._

“Mmm… you warm enough?” Carmilla asked, smirking as a visible shiver passed through Laura’s spine but the smaller girl just nodded eagerly, holding the styrofoam cup to her mouth and sipping at the delicious hot chocolate that they’d just bought, hoping it would help.

She didn’t want to leave yet. The park and the snow and cold air. And Carmilla, standing there next to her, smiling that beautiful smile that she adored. A little frostbite was worth it.

“Come here,” Carmilla chuckled, pulling Laura in front of her, wrapping her arms around her waist from behind. Laura smiled, feeling the warmth from her girlfriend already radiating against her backside. “Better?”

“Much,” she answered, setting her cup down on the bridge railing and pressing her own arms against the strong ones Carmilla had looped around her. She felt Carmilla chuckle into her neck as she rested her chin on Laura’s shoulder before turning just slightly to press a soft kiss below her ear.

“Good.”

 _Mmm… she always just seems to know what I need._ But that wasn’t surprising. Carmilla had always known what she needed. She was always there. And it was…

 _Easy. So easy,_ she thought. _This really is us_. Laura and Carmilla, in love and holding tight to one another. Just the two of them because nothing else mattered.

_And really, nothing else does. This is what’s important. This is what counts._

“You’re very good at knowing when I need snuggles,” Laura giggled as she turned into Carmilla, wrapping her arms around the taller girl’s waist beneath her leather jacket, head resting on her shoulder.

“Years of practice.”

“Yeah. But… you’re just always here, Carm.”

“Hmm…” Carmilla chuckled again before laying a soft kiss against her forehead, just below her knit cap. “Kind of what I signed up for. Always being here.”

_Nothing new. She’s always promised she would be. She promised the morning before I left…_

* * *

**_Three Months and Twelve Days Earlier_ **

With her cheek still buried against her pillow, she pried her eyes open, taking a moment to let them adjust to the brightness of the room, and blindly reached across the bed, searching for the woman she loved. But the bed was empty. The sheets were cold. Frowning, she rolled onto her back with a huff, a soft chuckle from the corner of the room catching her attention, and making her brow furrow even further. Raising her head, she smiled as she finally caught sight of the her fiancée, sitting in the kitchen chair set in the corner of their room, drawing pad propped against her knees. The chair that Laura put there on purpose. The chair that she’d pushed Carmilla into the night before, slowly grinding into the dark-haired girl’s lap wearing nothing but her bra and panties as Carmilla’s eyes had grown darker by the second, her hands unwilling to leave Laura’s blushing skin.

It had been an intense night.

 _I don’t think either of us will be forgetting that one anytime soon,_ she thought with a smile.

Sitting there now though was a very different girl. Carmilla had pulled on a pair of boy shorts and an oversized black t-shirt, her hair pulled back in a messy bun, smiling softly to herself. And still…

_So beautiful._

“What’re you doing over there?” Laura asked, her voice laced with sleep as she propped herself up on her elbows, holding the sheet tight to her chest.

“Taking advantage of you sitting still,” Carmilla answered with a smirk, her hands continuing to move along the page in her drawing pad as she lined here and smudged there.

“Hey!” Laura protested, smiling into her pout, and making Carmilla chuckle again. “Have you been awake long?”

Carmilla simply shrugged, her grin now lopsided as she glanced over at Laura once again before moving back to the drawing in front of her.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself,” Laura whined as she rubbed at her eyes.

“Beautiful subject. Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked, her voice quiet.

“Because you’ve drawn me like a thousand times, Carm.”

And again… Carmilla simply shrugged.

“Pain in the butt,” she griped, flopping back dramatically onto the bed with a huff.

“Would you prefer I be doing something else right now?” Carmilla asked, her voice holding that teasing lilt she was so very good at.

“Not being so far away?”

“Hmm.”

Laura glanced up, watching Carmilla set her things aside, like it was a huge inconvenience, before standing and moving towards the bed, her dark eyes now playful. Laura smiled at the sight and then sighed in relief as Carmilla climbed into the bed and up her frame, their lips gently meeting in a slow, unhurried kiss, both softly sighing at the contact.

Pulling away after a long moment, Carmilla shuffled further in, moving under the sheets while still staying atop the smaller girl, unwilling to break the contact.

Laura looked up, cupping Carmilla’s cheek with one hand, her thumb softly stroking, as her other hand moved just beneath the sheet.

“This isn’t allowed today,” she said, tugging at the hem of the black t-shirt.

“Today?” Carmilla asked her voice taking on a faux flummoxed toned as she sat up, kneeling over the smaller girl and pulling it off, much to Laura’s delight.

“Mm hmm,” she answered as Carmilla tossed it aside and lowered herself on top of her again, their skin coming together as their limbs tangled. “After today, I don’t get to see you again for a week.”

“How will you ever survive, cupcake?” Carmilla teased, slowly running the tip of her nose up Laura’s throat, hands tickling up her sides.

“You make fun but a week is a long time,” she sighed, her fingers trailing along Carmilla’s shoulders as the older girl’s lips moved to glide along her neck, their movements languid, as if they had all the time in the world.

“Without you?” Carmilla asked as she continued her gentle teasing. “I don’t know… I feel like I’ve seen a lot of you lately. Might be nice to take a little break.”

“You’re such a pain,” Laura grumbled, carefully pinching at Carmilla’s side and making her chuckle. She looked up as the older girl pushed herself onto her hands, that beautiful smile that only Laura ever got to see gracing her features.

“That’s twice this morning you’ve insulted me with that line. Get some new material, cupcake.”

“It’s too early for that. I don’t want to think,” she whined, making Carmilla chuckle again as she leaned down and kissed her quickly. “And as much as you annoy me… I really am going to miss you.”

“Aw, you’ll miss me when I’m gone?” Carmilla continued, clearly still taunting her, but the words plucked at something else inside of Laura. Something deep. Something that had her pausing.

_‘When I’m gone…’_

And the sadness hit, just like it had been all week, quickly followed by the worry trying to consume her. Worry that she never could seem to quiet, always in the back of her mind, nagging.

It had been plaguing her for months now, leaving her terrified of what might happen. She’d lie awake at night, watching Carmilla sleep for hours, the rise and fall of her chest lulling her into safety. She found herself calling more, just wanting to hear Carmilla’s voice. And every time she answered with a ‘hey, cutie,’ it made Laura’s heart ache. She’d stare at the dark-haired girl from across the room as she read or drew or worked, her fiancée none the wiser. She’d lie in bed on the rare mornings that Carmilla got up first and listen to her shower. Listen to her make coffee and hum along to whatever tune was undoubtedly blasting through her earbuds. She’d pull the older girl closer when they’d snuggle up on the couch, late at night to watch whatever was on, paying more attention to the way Carmilla’s skin felt against her own. She savored every kiss her fiancée left against her temples and along her chin just a little more. She inhaled a little deeper when she buried her face in the taller girl’s neck, taking in the scent that felt like home.

_It’s still not enough._

And for her part, Carmilla didn’t seem to mind the small changes. She’d asked about it initially but  kept going with a smile, giving in to whatever Laura wanted. And though Laura had found the older girl pausing once in a while to study her closely, using calming words and gentle touches to make sure everything was okay, how could she explain this completely irrational and utterly terrifying fear to her fiancée?

So she didn’t. She just kept Carmilla close, taking whatever she could, just in case, because…

_I need it._

But it wasn’t just what Laura needed. It was what she craved.

_What I love._

To have all of that taken away...

She swallowed hard at the sudden thought, so completely terrifying. A life without Carmilla… she didn’t even know how she would begin to cope. If she lost her…

Gripping tighter, she pulled Carmilla into her, their lips crashing together, hard and desperate. And she heard Carmilla chuckle into the kiss, the vibration tickling her lips. But the normal smile that the familiar sensation would’ve drawn across her own mouth was absent. What would she do if she never got to feel that tickle again? If she never got to hear that sweet sound? If she never had that smug smirk pressed against her?

And, of course, Carmilla picked up on the worry, breaking the connection, and pushing herself up onto her elbows over the smaller girl.

“Hey? What’s going on in that head of yours?” she asked, pulling Laura back to the here and now as she hovered, staring down at her.

Laura looked up at her, just barely holding back the tears she felt burning behind her eyelids, her fingertips pressing so hard into Carmilla’s pale skin, she was sure to leave bruises.

“I-I love you so much, Carm.”

“I love you too.”

She saw the older girl looking at her curious, the declaration not new, but she’d heard the desperation in her voice as she’d uttered the familiar phrase. And if she heard it, there was no way it would escape Carmilla’s attention.

Shaking her head, Laura forced a smile to her face, and pulled Carmilla against her once more. She didn’t want to waste the little time they had worrying. Angling up, her lips met Carmilla’s again, caressing for a moment before the older girl gently pulled away once more.

“Hey, no. Wait a minute. Seriously, what’s wrong? What happened just now?”

“Nothing. I… I’m okay.”

She swallowed hard, cupping Carmilla’s face, eyes moving across her features. The furrow of her brow. The concern in her eyes. The soft frown worrying her lips.

“Laura? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I just… I never want to lose you, Carm,” she finally said, her voice just above a whisper.

“Cupcake, you never will,” she answered, her eyes now earnest, resting fully against the smaller girl again. “I’m not going anywhere, Laura. Ever.”

“You promise?” she pushed, tone still so quiet.

“I promise. Kind of what I signed up for. Always being here.”

She swallowed again as she felt Carmilla tenderly push a few strands of hair off of her forehead, her other arm squeezing underneath Laura’s back, fingers still soft, holding her close.

“Good,” Laura said, pulling tighter, kissing her once more. “Good.”

“Are you sure?” Carmilla tried once more.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure,” she said, nodding softly. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. Just thinking about this trip, and I just… I’m just really going to miss you this week.”

It wasn’t a lie. Not exactly.

“Well, you now I’m always just a phone call away for the next seven days. If you need me, all you have to do is push a button, and I’ll answer.”

“I know,” she said, letting herself come down slightly from the mini panic attack. “You’re always here.”

No, she could never lose Carmilla. The woman above her was the love of her life and she never wanted to know what that life would look like without her.

 _She’s not going anywhere. I’m not going to lose her. She’ll always be here,_ she thought as she gently wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s shoulders, the dark-haired girl burying her face against Laura’s neck as she did. _She’ll always be here._

* * *

**_Present_ **

She smiled as she felt another shiver just barely pass through her girlfriend’s body and pulled her closer, leaving a kiss just below the edge of Laura’s gray toque.

“Hmm… what do you say? We can head back in a few… order in instead and curl up on the couch… I’ll even let you pick the movie,” Carmilla said, smiling as she felt Laura squeeze her waist. “We can watch one of those horrible romantic comedy ones that you’re so fond of, but I never find the least bit amusing. And I won’t even complain… too much.”

She nudged the top of Laura’s head with her nose, the smile on her face growing as she inhaled, the scent she loved so much surrounding her in a calming wave.

Finally, after another few seconds of no response from Laura, she tilted her head back, looking down. And her smile immediately fell as she took in the complete and utterly spooked face of her girlfriend, tears slowly trekking unhindered down the younger girl’s cheeks.

“Hey! Laura, what’s wrong?” she asked, keeping one arm still firmly wrapped around her waist but moving back just enough to fully see her. With her other hand, she gently wiped at the tears, Laura’s skin warm against her fingertips, cheeks rosy.

“Carm… I… I… I…”

“Laura?” she pressed, the smaller girl’s stumbling only worrying her more.

“I just… I just…”

“Okay, you’re really starting to freak me out now,” Carmilla countered, eyes worried as she searched the soft brown ones in front of her, her concern doubling as a sobbing hiccup left Laura’s mouth and more tears spilled over her eyelashes. “Seriously, babe, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

And as Laura continued to fumble for her words, her mouth opening and closing without sound, the start of a smile began to bloom at the right corner of the smaller girl’s mouth, slowly making its way across those slightly chapped lips.

“Laura?” she tried once more, on the verge of panicking as she cupped her cheek.

“I love you,” she finally choked out before crashing her lips to Carmilla’s over and over, her arms wrapping around the dark-haired girl’s neck, holding tight. “Goddamnit, Carm, I love you so damn much.”

“Laura, hey, I… I love you too, but please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.” A kiss. “Nothing’s wrong.” Another kiss. “I love you.” Kiss to her cheek. “I love you.” Lips to her forehead. “I love you so much.” Kiss to her nose. “You are literally the most amazing person in this world.” Back to her mouth, Laura’s lips now desperate.

She felt the scratchy yarn of Laura’s gloves against her cheeks as the tiny brunette cupped her face and kept her close, their foreheads resting together as their lips parted.

“Laura…?” she tried once more only to receive a sniveling giggle in return.

“You were wearing a black t-shirt and it was too big for you,” she started, tears still flowing as she smiled harder. “And your hair was pulled back but it was messy. And the sun hit the left side of your face, and it lit up your skin with all these highlights and shadows. You… you were so beautiful and then you smiled at me. That smile that always makes my heart beat faster, and somehow, that made you even more beautiful. A-And I thought how much I love that smile. And… when you crawled back into the bed, your fingers were smudged but it didn’t matter. And you felt so good against me and your right hand had that little callous you get on your middle finger between your knuckles. You… you don’t have it right now because…”

“I haven’t been drawing,” Carmilla supplied as her brain tried to catch up.

_What the fuck? How does she-_

“And you smelled like your soap, even though you hadn’t showered yet. You smelled like you and I love that smell. And… and I thought about how much I love you. And how I never wanted to lose you because… because I didn’t know what I’d do.”

“Laura, stop! I… cutie, what are you talking about?” Carmilla asked, still genuinely confused as her heart raced in her chest.

“The day before I left. That morning, I… I remember…”

“You remember? Wait, what do you mean you remember?”

It had been three months, there was no way…

“And we stayed in bed all day,” Laura continued. “I… remember holding you so close and thinking I didn’t want to leave you. I didn’t want you to go. And then… well, then… I don’t know. It gets fuzzy but then I remember something about ice cream. We… we had ice cream that night.” Her eyes widened as if something new had just shown up in her mind. “Chocolate fudge brownie. And… I don’t know where we got it because… because you told me we didn’t have any.”

_Holy fuck._

“JP,” Carmilla supplied. Her brow furrowed as she studied every inch of Laura’s face, the smaller girl’s expression happy and excited and confused and… a hundred other emotions that continued to change and move as the seconds ticked by.

“JP?”

“He wanted to come over and talk to me. He was adamant that he had to see me that night. So I told him he only had ten minutes and… and that he had to bring you ice cream,” Carmilla chuckled, the night coming back to her as Laura described it.

_She really knows._

And how had this happened? How had they gotten here? Where was this suddenly coming from?

“I… I don’t remember that,” Laura giggled. “But we cuddled up on the couch and… we shared it. We only had one spoon and… there was music on. Something old. Something you’d picked.”

“Maybe,” Carmilla shrugged, still smiling softly and pulling her closer. “I remember holding you but-”

“You did! And then… then it jumps again and we were in bed, trying to fall asleep. You… kissed me and snuggled in. You were asleep almost right away, but I stayed awake. I watched you for… I don’t even know how long. And… and then…”

“Then what?”

“Nothing. That’s… that’s it. Nothing more,” she sagged, her face falling.

“Hey, what?” Carmilla laughed, unable to help herself. “Why are sad now?”

“That’s it? That’s… that’s all I get?”

“Cutie, you’ve gone three months with far less,” she said, feeling her cheeks pull up further as her smile stretched. “I… I can’t believe you got something else.”

“Yeah. I… I guess I did. But… but… I mean… wow,” Laura suddenly giggled, the tears still flowing down her face as Carmilla once more attempted to wipe them away. “I... I don’t…” She paused, looking away for a moment, the wheels in her head obviously turning. “I don’t think there’s anything else.”

“I don’t understand, cupcake,” Carmilla started, still confused. “Where did this even come from?”

“I don’t know. I just… you holding me just now and you smell like you and you’re warm and soft and… it just felt right. It felt like us. Nothing was different and… and it was me and…” she trailed off again, sniffling, her hands gripping at Carmilla’s shoulders like she might slip away at any second. “You promised. You promised then and you promised now. You promised to be here.”

“Yeah, but, Laura, how many times have I promised you that?”

“I don’t know, but just now… it just all felt right. It felt… it was really us again. And…” She giggled once more, the sound light and free. “And I stopped worrying for two damn seconds about all of it. I just… I just let us be.”

And Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle again at the mystified expression now covering her girlfriend’s face.

“It’s so weird, Carm. It’s like, there was a gap there… and now it’s gone, but… I know there should still be a gap. There should still be something missing. But it feels like… like it’s always been there.”

“So you stopped worrying about everything for two seconds and you were rewarded?” Carmilla said still laughing, pressing their foreheads together. “Serves you right. That’ll teach you to just let us be us.”

“I… I don’t care what it is. It’s… it’s amazing,” she giggled, the sweet sound, floating around them. “I love that I get to see you. That I get to remember what that felt like. That I get to remember how much I loved you. And… and know how much I still love you now.”

She really had something. And it was an important memory. It was something to show her that they were no different. That nothing had changed.

_Because we’re still us._

“You’re incredible, Laura, you know that?” Carmilla said, smiling softly, her own eyes taking on that wet look.

“No, you are, and… thank you. Thank you so much, Carm.”

“For what?” she frowned, confused.

“For not leaving. For trying. For never giving up on me.”

“Cutie, that was never even an option. Memory or not, you’re mine and I’m yours. Forever.”

“Forever,” she agreed, leaning in to kiss Carmilla soundly once more. “I… god, I really fucking love that we have forever.”

And once again, Carmilla laughed.

* * *

**_One Week Later_ **

She ran a hand through dark hair, carefully watching the pan in front of her to make sure nothing burned. It was early. Super early. Sun had barely risen early. But she had stuff to do that day.

It had been a week since the park. Nothing new resurfacing. And she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

If she were being honest, Carmilla had immediately worried that if nothing new came back, Laura would slide backwards. Back to questions and worries that were completely unfounded. The smaller girl had worked so hard to get past all that stupid bullshit and losing all of that ground would do neither of them any good.

_Especially losing it over something that she has no control over. Something that may have been a fluke to begin with._

But…

At the same time, she’d felt her own worries latch on a few hours later, that night after the park as they lay in bed, Laura’s head pillowed on her shoulder, her fingers gently dancing along Carmilla’s stomach beneath her shirt.

“What’re you thinking about?” the smaller girl had whispered into the dark, knowing damn well that Carmilla couldn’t close her eyes.

She paused for a minute, running her hand through Laura’s hair one more time as she gathered her thoughts, taking comfort in the soft kiss the smaller girl left against the front of her shoulder.

“I… I just…”

Apparently she needed more time as the words seemed to be missing in action.

“You can tell me,” Laura said, her voice soft and encouraging.

She could tell her. She knew that. It didn’t make it any easier though.

“I just don’t want you to only be worried about your memories coming back now. Today might have been a one-time thing, and I don’t… I don’t want us to lose what we have. What we’ve rebuilt.”

“Carm, no,” Laura said as she turned, pushing herself up onto her elbow, staring down into Carmilla’s eyes in the dark. “I… I’m sorry, I got excited today.”

“No, I get that. I do,” she quickly reassured her. “You’ve been flying blind for months now  and I’m not saying that being excited was the wrong reaction. You lost so much and to get something like that back… I understand.”

“Okay. But, you know, I’m not just going to focus on that and try to base our relationship on what may or may not return. You’re right, this might’ve been a one-time thing, and if it is, I’m okay with that,” she said, shaking her head as her hand swirled a little higher, finally landing over Carmilla’s heart. “I love you. I want to be with you. You… you promised me forever. Before and after the accident, you promised. And I want that promise.”

And it was exactly what Carmilla needed to hear. Or what she thought she needed because a moment later, her heart beat even harder in her chest. So hard that she was sure Laura would be able to feel it against her fingertips.

“I get it,” Laura continued. “I understand why you’d be worried about this. But nothing’s changed. We’re still us, memories or not. And we **both** know that.”

_Fuck, I love her._

She couldn’t deny though, that over the last week, Laura had seemed so much calmer. So much more at ease. So completely and utterly relaxed, exactly like absolutely nothing had changed.

_Which it hasn’t. It never did._

They were still them. They were still in love. That was all that mattered. Memories lost or gained was never to change that. It was a hard lesson to learn, and one that, admittedly, Carmilla hadn’t initially understood. But she’d gotten there. She’d gotten there and she’d patiently waited, seeing Laura in the distance, slowly approaching, but coming nonetheless. And Carmilla understood that it was going to take time. Laura hadn’t seen the two of them together over the last seven years. She needed a while longer to adjust to the fact that someone loved her so wholly and unconditionally. That she had someone always in her corner, holding her hand when she needed it and helping her to get back up when she couldn’t find a way on her own. That her heart would be taken care of by another, held tight and kept safe. That she really did have a forever.

 _But she got there,_ she thought with a small smile.

And even if Laura hadn’t remembered anything, Carmilla wasn’t going to leave. Laura was Laura. She always had been. She’d wait forever for the tiny brunette to understand that if she had to. Because Carmilla had always loved her.

_And she loves me._

Nothing else in the entire world mattered.

“Hey.”

She turned at the soft voice behind her, smiling at Laura standing there, the bottoms of her flannel pajama pants covering her feet and her thermal shirt too big, messy hair falling from her ponytail, eyes soft and…

“What’s wrong, cupcake?” she asked, quickly turning off the burner behind her and moving towards her girlfriend, eyes still curious.

“Nothing,” she said, her voice so soft that Carmilla just barely heard her.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” she said as she reached her, pulling the smaller girl in close by her waist.

“It’s nothing bad.”

“So it **is** something then,” she said, raising an eyebrow and making Laura smile. “What?”

“You made me Nutella french toast the day of my graduation.”

_Huh._

“I… I don’t know. Maybe,” she shrugged.

“You did,” Laura softly giggled. “You made it then and you’re making Nutella french toast right now.”

“Oh.”

The reaction was so different now. The panicked, overexcited girl from a week ago was nowhere to be seen. This time, Laura stood before her, smile so soft and eyes bright. Completely calm and collected, as though this morning was nothing out of the ordinary.

_And it really isn’t…_

“You got up early and made me breakfast that day,” Laura continued. “And we sat across from each other in bed while we ate. You… you ended up getting syrup on your cheek and I kissed it off.”

“Yeah,” Carmilla chuckled. “And then, I tried to clean up and while I was in the shower, you redid all the dishes.

“I… I don’t remember that,” she said, still smiling, eyes shining. “But… you made Nutella french toast. Just like today.”

“Who says this is for you, cupcake?” she teased, squeezing her closer.

“Hey!” she giggled, poking at Carmilla’s side. She leaned up, kissing her softly, her hands grabbing onto the dark-haired girl’s forearms, still wrapped around her waist.

“So…” Carmilla started as they pulled apart. “You got something else back, huh?”

“I could smell it when I woke up and… I don’t know. It was just there,” she shrugged, those big brown eyes wide, a few tears sitting at the edges. “I remember you made me breakfast and then we ate and… kissed for a while.” Carmilla chuckled at the slight blush moving up Laura’s cheeks. “And then… stuff gets fuzzy. Then it just jumps and… I remember I had to leave early for the ceremony. We were standing at the door. And you kissed me. You kissed me so softly. And your fingers were tickling down my arms to my hands. You squeezed them once before letting go. Then, I walked down the hall towards the stairs, and when I turned back, you were still standing in the doorway. And you looked so beautiful.”

“I do remember that you were wearing a very fetching little dress,” Carmilla chuckled, her own memories from that day resurfacing, and internally sagging when Laura giggled.

“It was pale yellow. And it had little flowers on the hem.”

“I don’t know how you retain all this little shit, cutie,” Carmilla said, unable to hide her amusement. “But I know you looked gorgeous. And you didn’t stop smiling all morning.”

“It’s… yeah,” she said, her hands moving away from her forearms and  finding their way under Carmilla’s t-shirt, skimming along her sides as she smiled up at her. “Yeah, I got something else.”

“You did. And that’s great, Laura.”

“But?” Laura pressed, laughing softly.

“I didn’t say ‘but,’” she said, frowning slightly.

“You did,” Laura said, leaving two slow kisses along her jawline. “And you’re right. It’s great. But… it doesn’t matter.”

_So intuitive, this one._

“It doesn’t,” Carmilla agreed, smiling softly as she moved her hands up and cupped that beautiful face that she adored. “Because I got you back.”

Turning to her left, Laura left another slow kiss against Carmilla’s wrist, her breath tickling as she lingered. Looking back, Carmilla swore she never saw those honey brown eyes more full of love.

“And I never lost you, Carm.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Just one chapter left. 
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomness


	41. That's Why Darling, It's Incredible That Someone So Unforgettable Thinks That I Am Unforgettable Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, pay attention to the time frames because we aren’t exactly jumping in where we left off. You’ll see.
> 
> So, yeah, wow. I kind of can’t believe we’re here for the final chapter of Amnesia. Hopefully in the not so distant future I'll drop the first of a new multi-chapter on here during a random Friday just because it kind of feels right.
> 
> When I first outlined this story, I didn’t anticipate just how long it was going to be, nor did I realize how many of you would actually maybe kind of like it. But I just want to say thank you. Seriously. For anyone who has been with this story from day one to those who are just now finding it, I sincerely thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for letting me write this for you. So, I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Thoughts in italics.

**_Present - One Year, One Month and One Day After the Accident_ **

She smiled softly, looking out across the rippling water, breathing in and filling her lungs with the crisp autumn air that was currently teasing at the hem of her dress, the fabric tickling halfway up her shins. The breeze quietly rustled the recently turned leaves above her, a vision of deep reds and oranges, creating such a warm and beautiful feeling that perfectly contrasted with the slight chill enveloping her. She finally exhaled slowly, feeling every ounce of tension leave her limbs, and smiled harder.

_ Not that there’s much to be tense about today. _

It had been over a year since the accident. Over a year since she’d woken up, missing the most important person in her life. And almost a year to the day from that turning point, when she’d realized that she wanted to try. That she didn’t want to lose Carmilla, the girl who was so quickly stealing her heart, and that she was going to fight with everything she had to keep her.

And it had been a fight. It had been a challenge. At times, it was a seemingly unwinnable battle. But somehow, they’d figured it out. They’d worked together through the struggle, and in the end, it had paid off. They’d found their way back to each other.

_ And it’s so amazing. _

But what was even more amazing was that she’d been able to watch herself fall in love with Carmilla twice. She got to fall head over heels for this incredible girl, and then slowly remember what it felt like to fall for her all those years ago. It was an incredibly unique experience, and one that she didn’t take for granted.

As of yet, Laura hadn’t remembered everything, but that cold January day in the park nine months earlier had been the breakthrough, and the previously unknown slowly began seeping back into her mind, one recollection at a time.

Some of the memories that had resurfaced were so sharp and clear, it was almost as if she could reach out and touch them. She could smell what was surrounding her at that moment and hear the small noises that echoed in the distance. She could still taste some of the kisses that Carmilla had left against her lips and feel the softness of the dark-haired girl’s skin against her fingertips.

Then, there were times where things faded in and out. Some of the memories were hazy or blurred. There were gaps here and there. One minute, she’d be standing outside a restaurant, lips pressed to Carmilla’s after a celebratory night, and the next it was days or weeks later. There may be a fuzzy snippet of something small here or there in between, but nothing concrete.

And then… the rest of their time together was still missing.

She knew she could be upset and feel cheated that not everything had returned as of yet, but the fact that she’d been able to get anything at all left her smiling every single time something new surfaced. Looking back, she guessed that she had about half of the seven years that she’d lost, give or take a few percentage points. It wasn’t perfect, but then again, what she and Carmilla had was never perfect. It was just real. It was just them. And regardless of what had returned to her, she treasured every single memory, in one way or another.

All the romantic moments, sweet gestures, and super sexy times were wonderful. And, of course, all the moments in between, be them exciting or mundane. But getting back some of that time wasn’t without its drawbacks.

She’d remembered some of the bad stuff too. Like the night a few months after she’d started at the Silas Times, coming home excited about another high profile article that she’d been assigned, and wanting to share the news with Carmilla, only to find the dark-haired girl sitting at their kitchen table, upset at having lost another photography job (her third that year). And after the older girl had lashed out that night, her failures only further exacerbated by Laura’s successes, the argument had left Carmilla sleeping on the couch for three nights and Laura had cried herself to sleep every one of them. That memory hadn’t been a pleasant one to suddenly regain. Nor was the one that occurred after she’d gotten stuck at the Daily, again, and had completely forgotten about the very amazing and romantic night that Carmilla had planned for them. The resulting fight about the fact that Laura was spending far too much time at work, and had been neglecting everything else in her life for months, including her girlfriend, had been a hard pill to swallow, even if it was true. But they were her memories, just the same.

She had to take the good with the bad. The carefree with the sorrowful. And the happy with the heartbreaking. It didn’t matter what it was. It was a piece of her that she got to put back in its rightful place.

Sure, the puzzle was still coming together, but the picture was beautiful just the same.

She loved that she got to go back in time, and see nineteen-year-old Laura discover Carmilla Karnstein and the incredibly intense crush that she’d quickly developed on the girl. 

She adored that she got to remember different parts of that first year together, the two of them navigating all the new things that came not only with learning about each other, but with being in a serious relationship at all. 

She blushed at any glimpse of the two of them finding themselves in one compromising position or another. 

She ached remembering the pain Carmilla had held onto for so long, but found that the memories of them taking care of one another, were so uplifting to revisit. 

She found that Perry had been right a year ago when she’d told an unsure version of Laura that Carmilla had ‘done a lot, not just for you, but for all of us.’ 

And she cherished being able to watch her and Carmilla take the next step in their life together, holding tight to that love and pride she carried for the dark-haired girl.

Each memory was important. And it was worth the effort and the pain. It was worth the fight. Because it was them. Because it was Carmilla.

_ And I love her so much. _

* * *

**_Six Years, Eleven Months and Twenty Nine Days Before the Accident_ **

She slowly glanced to her left, trying to be as discreet as possible, and knowing she was failing miserably. But how could she not stare when it was Carmilla sitting next to her?

Carmilla Karnstein, who was flirty and had those amazing dark eyes and lips that Laura hadn’t been able to stop thinking about for two weeks now and…

Who was also actually really smart and sometimes funny and kind of sweet when LaF and Perry weren’t around.

All things that never would’ve come to mind when she’d first caught sight of the dark-haired bartender who had every girl in the place fiercely vying for her attention.

This was only the third night they’d met up to study, and honestly, Laura was finding it harder and harder to focus every time. Because not only was Carmilla unfairly gorgeous, but she actually had the personality to back it up.

_ I mean, who can focus on studying art when the most beautiful girl in the world, who is actually turning out to be pretty awesome and  _ **_so_ ** _ charming, is sitting right next to them? _

Laura swallowed hard as she watched Carmilla trap her bottom lip between her teeth, once again noticing the little gap in those pearly whites that somehow only made the dark-haired girl more beautiful. And her brow furrowing ever so slightly in concentration as she continued to read through Laura’s notes from the last class was one of the most adorable things Laura had ever seen. She watched the older girl read through the pages once more before finally shaking her head with a sigh and setting them down on the counter in front of her.

Laura quickly attempted to turn away as Carmilla looked over, but as she was nowhere near as smooth as the other girl, the obvious jerk of her head towards her book was more than obvious.

_ Crap. _

She waited a moment, hoping for the best, but knew she’d been caught when she nonchalantly glanced up a moment later and saw the knowing smirk on Carmilla’s face. Attempting to cover the blush quickly spreading across her cheeks, she let her hair fall forward as she hunched further over the counter, pretending to be oblivious to anything but the textbook in front of her.

“Having trouble focusing tonight, cupcake?” she teased, and try as she might, Laura couldn’t fight the embarrassed grin pulling at her lips.

“Nope. No trouble at all,” she said, turning the page in her book, though she was nowhere near finished reviewing what Carmilla had outlined for her.

Carmilla merely chuckled before leaning closer, the scent of leather and mint and cold moonlight surrounding the tiny brunette as the older girl pushed Laura’s notebook back towards her.

“These notes are atrocious, cutie. Were you paying attention at all in class?”

_ How can I when you’re in the lecture with me? _

“Yes, I was!” Laura argued, finally looking up, her gaze meeting playful dark eyes, her stomach fluttering at the sight. “It’s just… it’s not easy to listen to him prattle on and on about nothing.”

“He actually stayed on topic yesterday… for the most part,” she shrugged.

“What part of yesterday’s lecture was on topic?” she balked.

“The part where you were doodling these little hearts,” Carmilla said, her voice teasing as she pointed to the margins of Laura’s notebook.

The hearts, ever so predictably, had unconsciously shown up when she’d been thinking about how Carmilla had been sitting so close during their study session on Tuesday. She’d been turned towards her, one arm lying across the back of Laura’s kitchen stool, the other merely an inch from Laura’s hand where it lay atop the counter, her leather covered knee gently pressing into the side of the smaller girl’s thigh, explaining…  _ something _ .

_ You don’t remember because her voice alone makes you completely lose concentration on everything else. _

“I… I got bored,” she lamely attempted, shrugging once more. “I’m not good at this stuff like you. I only took the class because I thought it would be an easy credit.”

“Well, hate to break it to you, cutie, but art isn’t always a walk in the park.”

She turned towards the older girl, taking in the teasing smirk on her lips, and felt her heart skip a beat at being so close.

“Why…” she trailed off with a sigh, her eyes searching the incredibly dark ones in front of her. “Why do you call me that?”

“What?” Carmilla asked, brow furrowed.

“Cutie? And… cupcake?”

Carmilla chuckled, looking down for a moment at her lap before her eyes met Laura’s again, somehow even darker and more amazing than before.

“You remind me of a cupcake. Seemingly soft and sweet. But there are layers to it. It’s not always what you see on the surface. You have peel away the wrapper to find out what’s underneath.”

Laura swallowed hard, unsure if Carmilla meant the explanation to be so evocative or not, and the lopsided grin on her face wasn’t giving her any clues, one way or the other.

“W-Well, what about the other one?”

Another chuckle met her ears, Carmilla’s smile softening just a tad as she continued to stare into Laura’s eyes.

“That’s one’s simple. You’re cute as hell, Hollis,” she said, leaning in further, her warmth fanning across Laura’s skin. “You’re more than cute actually. But somehow, trying to make a nickname out of stunningly beautiful just doesn’t work as well.”

_ Wow. _

“Oh!” she squeaked, those damn butterflies in her stomach taking off in a dancing bloom of colors and making her heart beat a little faster. “Um… okay.”

_ Laura, you idiot! _

But Carmilla simply laughed again, leaning in a little further, her skin so perfect beneath the soft lights in the kitchen, her eyes sparkling, her lips…  _ oh her lips. _

How was she supposed to focus on studying? How was she supposed to concentrate on the book in front of her when Carmilla’s beauty easily overshadowed the art depicted in it?

_ And how can I focus on anything when she talks with that incredible voice and sits so close and… ugh, she’s so pretty and sweet and smells so good! And all I want to do right now is kiss her! _

“What? What’s wrong?” Carmilla asked, smirking still but eyes soft.

“Uh, nothing. Nothing’s wrong,” Laura said, shaking her head and looking away. “You’re right, these notes are terrible. Um… could I borrow yours again?”

“Sure,” she acquiesced, grabbing her own notebook and carefully setting it next to Laura’s. Smiling once more at the smaller girl, she turned back to her own textbook, apparently oblivious to the fact that Laura was unable to look away.

_ Oh god! I have a serious, honest to god, over the top crush on Carmilla Karnstein. Oh, crap… _

* * *

**_Five Years, Ten Months and Ten Days Before the Accident_ **

Fumbling for her keys, she attempted to balance the box of cupcakes in hand as her overly fully backpack started to slide off of her shoulder. She really didn’t need to take ALL of her books to the library, but she figured it was better to be over prepared. This project was a huge part of her final grade in her History of Journalism class, and she wasn’t about to screw it up. Finally connecting with the jangly mess in her coat pocket, she located the correct key and slid it into the lock, jiggling it just right to push the door open. She still didn’t understand why their landlord wouldn’t fix the darn thing, but she had a right mind to send yet  **another** letter of complaint.

_ Bad enough that the heat barely works and the water heater’s only good for five minutes,  _ she internally grumbled as she stepped through the doorway. And what she saw on the other side easily melted the frown on her face and took her breath away.

The lights were low, but the candles lit throughout the apartment added a warmth to the chill that was starting to ebb in as mid-November approached. There were candles along the end tables near the tattered couch, across the rickety bookshelves, and on both sides of the bed across the room. Two mismatching tapered ones sat atop the second-hand coffee table, alongside two place settings. The plates and silverware didn’t exactly coordinate, but then again, they didn’t own any matching kitchenware. Somehow that just added to the charm. And, of course, music floated around her, because there was never a time when Carmilla was alone in their apartment that the stereo wasn’t on. But the tune currently playing was much softer than the normal rock beat that usually greeted Laura after a long day of classes or hours at the Silas University Times.

“What is this?” Laura laughed as she let her bag fully drop and kicked the door closed behind her. She set the package of cupcakes down on the coffee table in order to pull her coat off, dropping her things into the corner of the room. Looking across the space, she smiled even harder at the sight of her girlfriend, standing near the stove, her back to Laura, shrugging.

“Dinner,” Carmilla mumbled, as though that explained the incredibly romantic atmosphere.

“Just a casual Saturday night meal?” she teased. But after a long moment of silence, she pressed for more. “Carm?”

She slowly moved forward, coming up behind her girlfriend and carefully wrapping her arms around her waist. She’d missed her that day.  _ You miss her every day, _ she chastised herself with a snicker. Peering over Carmilla’s shoulder, she smiled at the meager, but still delicious smelling meal the other girl was working on.

_ Spaghetti. Of course. Something we can afford. _

“I’m starving and that smells amazing,” Laura said, leaving a soft kiss just below her ear.

“Well, it’ll be ready in just a few minutes,” Carmilla said, turning, sauced spoon in hand, and pushing it towards Laura to try.

“You may have missed your calling,” she moaned, talking the spoon in her mouth. “Like, I know you’re an amazing artist, Carm, but if you need a fall back career, I’d like to hire you as my personal chef.”

“Deal,” Carmilla agreed as she turned back to the stove and Laura quickly moved her hands to the dark-haired girl’s hips.

“So seriously. You want to fill me in on what all of this is?”

Turning everything off, Carmilla took a second before stepping away, leaning back against the counter, putting just a foot of space between them. Running a nervous hand through her hair as she finally met Laura’s eyes, she shrugged once again.

“I uh… I know we talked about not doing anything big tonight. But I thought… I mean…” she floundered and Laura swore she saw a tinge of pink creep across the older girl’s cheeks. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just dinner.”

And in that moment, Laura fell in love with her girlfriend all over again. Even if she figured that Carmilla would probably do  _ something _ for the occasion, this was far more than anything she could’ve expected. And the way the dark-haired girl was acting now, like she really wasn’t sure if it was okay, pulled at Laura’s heartstrings in the most beautiful way. Because of course this was okay. This was incredible.

“We did talk about not doing anything big,” Laura finally agreed after another long moment. “But we didn’t say anything about not doing something incredibly sweet.”

Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms low around Carmilla again and pulled her close, softly smiling at the older girl. Leaning in, she let her lips carefully brush against Carmilla’s, smiling harder as she felt a little of the tension leave her girlfriend’s body at the contact.

“I didn’t make a big plan either,” she said as she pulled away. “But I did stop and get those chocolate espresso cupcakes that you like. Thought we could enjoy some dessert for dinner tonight since I didn’t know you’d already be cooking when I got here.”

“Hmm… well, lucky you, I didn’t make dessert,” Carmilla said, finally smirking softly and sinking further into Laura’s embrace.

“We’re a pretty good team, huh?”

And instead of answering, Carmilla simply leaned in and kissed her again, her mouth lingering for a moment longer, just barely touching. It wasn’t a heated moment. It wasn’t a moment waiting to lead to something more. But it was moment that spoke volumes. It was a moment that she really didn’t want to end, because having Carmilla so close would never be something she didn’t want.

Unfortunately, her stomach was ready for something different, and the loud growl it emitted ended all further discussion on romance.

“Guess you really are starving, huh?” Carmilla said with a chuckle, quickly kissing her once more before untangling herself from Laura’s hold and moving back toward the stove. “Will you grab the plates, cutie?”

Still grinning, she took the few steps required to make her way back to the coffee table, returning within seconds. Carmilla carefully dished the meal out onto each, careful not to splatter. She still hadn’t lived down the first time she’d made Laura dinner and the resulting mess on the tiny brunette’s favorite white sweater.

“This is seriously so sweet of you, Carm,” Laura said as they set their plates down a minute later, taking their seats on the floor on either side of the coffee table.

“It’s really not a big deal,” she argued again with a shrug. “I just… I didn’t know if this was okay. I mean… I’ve never celebrated one of these before.”

“I know but it’s perfect and I love it,” Laura said, eyes shining. “And I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Happy first anniversary.”

* * *

**_Five Years, One Month and Twenty Four Days Before the Accident_ **

She bit her lip harder as another moan ripped from her throat, completely unintentional. But there was no way to stop it.

“Okay, seriously, while I love hearing you make those noises, cupcake, if you don’t quiet down at least a little bit, you’re going to wake up the entire cabin. And all the other cabins in a five mile radius,” Carmilla whispered against the tiny brunette’s lips as Laura’s arms wound tighter around her shoulders, one leg twining higher about Carmilla’s waist, the other just barely keeping her steady as her toes dug into the sand below.

She opened her eyes, taking in that goddamn, unfairly sexy smug smirk on her girlfriend’s face, Carmilla’s playful dark eyes dancing in the moonlight that showered down upon them. The water rippled around them with every slight movement, the small waves bobbing against their shoulders and only adding to the noise.

“I’m trying,” Laura grumbled, the sound turning into a whimper as Carmilla’s fingers thrust a little harder. “These damn trees… and the water… it echoes. This… maybe this wasn’t the best plan for tonight.”

“This was your idea!” Carmilla argued with a laugh. “Even though I hate all of our friends, and didn’t even want to come up here this weekend, I was perfectly content to spend the night snuggled up in that tiny ass bed, listening to Kirsch snore, and Lawrence throw things at him. But you wanted to go skinny dipping… and more, if I remember your words correctly.”

“Well… oh god… we can’t do this in the cabin,” she sighed. “Everyone will hear us.”

“Everyone’s going to hear us now anyway,” Carmilla chuckled.

“Fine, then… then you can’t do that little swirly thing,” she panted.

“But you like that little swirly thing,” Carmilla teased, leaning in and nipping at the spot just below her ear.

“I love that little swirly thing,” she said, threading one hand into dark locks. She drew the older girl back, bringing their mouths together in a hard kiss and holding Carmilla’s bottom lip captive for a moment as she pulled away. “But if you keep doing it, there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to keep quiet.”

“What do you want then?” Carmilla whispered against her lips, her fingers still moving at a steady pace between Laura’s legs, palm turned just right to leave her whimpering with each upward thrust.

They’d driven up to the cabin with Kirsch, intending to relax and have some fun with their friends for a few days before heading back to the real world. And Laura thought she’d have no problem controlling herself for a long weekend. But then she’d had to watch Carmilla walk around in an incredibly flattering little black bikini all afternoon, and…

_ Why does she have to be so darn sexy? _

And after they’d gotten into the bed they’d been assigned for the weekend, Carmilla had distracted her even further, her fingers dancing under Laura’s tank top, moving higher and higher as her lips tickled against the smaller girl’s neck. She knew Carmilla wasn’t actually trying to turn her on, but after ten minutes, she’d been unable to take it any longer, leading her to suggest that they head down to the lake, the midnight air still sticky against their skin as they’d quickly shucked their clothes and dove in.

“Come on,” Carmilla urged, her fingers feeling better and better by the second, lips still teasing near her ear. “Tell me, Laura.”

_ Ugh, of course she’s going to say my name all rough and breathless and… oh, screw it. _

“Just… just do the swirly thing,” she finally groaned.

“You sure about that?” Carmilla chuckled against her neck. “You know how light of a sleeper Betty Crocker is.”

“I know, but… oh right there… but I’m thinking, to make it fair, we should try and see if you can be quiet too,” she challenged, lifting an eyebrow as her girlfriend leaned back. Letting one of her hands descend down Carmilla’s torso, squeezing between their bodies, she giggled at the heated groan the older girl made when she reached her destination.

“Oh, that’s cheating.”

“How is this cheating?” Laura asked, the picture of innocence. She kissed Carmilla once before leaning over, teeth tugging at her ear, and then whispering, “There’s no reason I should cum alone.”

“Everyone thinks I’m the bad influence, but if our friends knew how fucking filthy you really are…”

“You love it,” she husked meeting Carmilla’s eyes again.

“I really fucking do.”

And Laura giggled once more before pulling her closer, smiling hard when Carmilla moaned heavily against her lips, the water rippling a little harder around them.

* * *

**_Four Years, Six Months and Seventeen Days Before the Accident_ **

She wasn’t sure what had woken her up, but the cold all around was a definite shock.

_ Why in the heck is it freezing in here? _

Pulling the blankets tighter to her chest, she reached out, blindly searching for Carmilla in the bed beside her, hoping the older girl could help warm her up faster. But sadly, she came up empty. Carmilla obviously hadn’t been in the bed for some time because none of her warmth lingered against the cold and rumpled sheets.

She opened her eyes, the room still dark, and turned towards her nightstand, the clock there blinking back at her reading 3:07.

_ Where is she at 3:07 in the morning? _

Rolling completely onto her back, she propped herself up on her elbow, sleepily wiping at her eyes as she surveyed their tiny studio apartment. But it didn’t take her long to find her girlfriend. Across the room at the open window, Carmilla sat, straddling the sill, letting the late winter chill seep into the apartment. It had been cloudy when they’d gone to bed that night, but the streetlamps reflecting off the last of the snow gave her just enough light to see the clearly perturbed expression haunting her girlfriend’s profile.

“Carm?” she called out quietly.

Startled, Carmilla quickly glanced over, and simply shook her head before looking away again. But she wasn’t quick enough. Laura saw the tears.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said, her voice uneven and just barely above a whisper. “Go back to sleep.”

Sighing softly, Laura pushed herself further up, studying Carmilla’s profile for another moment, hating the sight. She hadn’t seen Carmilla like this since that night almost three weeks earlier. Carmilla wasn’t a crier. Laura had known that for a long time now. But this…

_ I hate that I can’t fix this for her. _

She slowly climbed out of the bed, grabbing the blanket Carmilla must’ve laid across her at some point. It had been folded at the foot of the mattress where they normally kept it when she’d fallen asleep a few hours earlier, but she guessed that Carmilla had the hindsight, and the courtesy, to lay it over her before she opened the window. Pulling it around her shoulders now, she slowly padded to the other side of the room, her eyes watching Carmilla tense up further and further with each step she took. And it hurt, but she couldn’t just leave her like this, all alone.

“Hey,” Laura whispered, as she moved behind her, awkwardly wrapping the blanket around the older girl’s shoulders as well. She was chilled to the bone and, even with her resilience to cold, Laura didn’t know how the dark-haired girl wasn’t frozen over. “How long have you been here?” she asked, rubbing her left hand up and down Carmilla’s arm.

But Carmilla merely shrugged, still looking away.

“Do you… do you need anything?” It was stupid question and she rolled her eyes as soon as it left her mouth.

“I’m fine, Laura. Really. Just… just go back to bed. I’ll be there in a minute,” she mumbled.

“I’m not leaving you here alone,” she argued, voice still so soft and quiet, sliding on her arm tighter around Carmilla’s shoulders from behind, the other keeping the blanket in place, and leaving a soft kiss in her hair. “You don’t have to explain. We don’t even have to talk. But… I’m not going anywhere.”

The long moment of silence that followed let her know that at least Carmilla wasn’t going to argue. But it was still incredibly unnerving.

She looked out over Carmilla’s shoulder, the street below them completely deserted and quiet. And, looking down, Laura immediately understood why Carmilla had chosen this place to sit. Understood that, regardless of how much she loved the older girl, there was still an emptiness inside of her. One that Laura would never be able to fully understand, try as she might. She didn’t grow up like Carmilla did. She had a great dad who never turned his back on her. She had other family members that cared about her and liked having her around. She’d never had to watch others get chosen over her when it came to bestowing love and affection. She never had to deal with the fact that no one wanted her.

And she  **hated** that Carmilla understood that pain. No one should ever have to feel that way, but her girlfriend… her amazingly wonderful girlfriend, never deserved to feel this deep ache.

She leaned in, laying another soft kiss in Carmilla’s hair before moving closer, letting her chin rest on her shoulder, feeling the older girl just barely lean into her warmth.

“I’m sorry,” Carmilla finally whispered, her voice so small.

“Carm, it’s fine,” Laura answered, laying a tender kiss against her temple. “I don’t mind staying here with you.”

“No, I mean, I’m sorry… for everything,” she said with a heavy sigh. “I… god, I was such an asshole to you that night.”

That awful night would be burned into Laura’s memory forever. The awful night where Carmilla had said horrible and ugly things. The night where she’d stormed out after Laura refused to leave. The night where Laura held the older girl for hours after she’d finally come home, safe and sound thankfully, so upset and completely lost. Despite having lost her own mom, what Carmilla was going through was something that Laura could never completely understand. All she could do was be there for her girlfriend, at any time, in any way.

“Hey, no,” Laura said, holding tighter as another shiver jolted through her body.  _ Why can’t we have this discussion in our nice warm bed?  _ “I’ve told you, I forgive you, okay? I forgave you that night.”

“I… fuck, I blew up at the one person that really and truly loves me over someone that never even cared,” she huffed, shaking her head, her eyes still on the street below. “And… and now Will’s a fucking mess. And Mattie’s completely shut herself off. And… and I don’t know what to do.”

“What to do about what?” Laura gently asked, leaving another kiss against the neck of Carmilla’s t-shirt.

“Everything. I can’t… I can’t help them from here,” she hiccupped, her shoulders trembling, though Laura wasn’t sure if it was from the tears or the cold. “And… and even though she’s gone, it’s still just hovering over me. God, why do I even fucking care?”

“Because you’re not heartless, Carm. This… this isn’t something that’s just going to go away.”

“It’s not even that I miss her,” she continued on as if Laura hadn’t spoken. “I… I really don’t. We didn’t have any sort of relationship but… I just… why did she hate me so much?”

And hearing those words nearly broke Laura’s heart. Though she realized that she got to see a side of Carmilla that no one else did from behind their closed apartment door, how anyone could not love the other girl would always be a mystery to her.

“Carm…”

“I mean, I know I was never daughter of the year. I know that I have my faults, and there are plenty to choose from. Honestly, even as a kid, I never thought she’d love me. I never expected her to. But…” She paused, the seconds slowly ticking by, and Laura hated the pain that leaked into Carmilla’s voice in that moment. “Couldn’t she have at least liked me? Just a little?”

_ That bitch better be rotting in hell. _

“Carm, she should’ve loved you. But… she got in her own way. And she really missed out because you’re amazing,” Laura argued, wishing that she could see Carmilla’s eyes.

“But… dammit, it wasn’t just her. She wasn’t the first person that didn’t want me. She… I just don’t understand what it is about me that…”

She trailed off again, shoulders tensing and pulling away from the tiny brunette just enough to leave an inch of space between them. And, though she knew what was coming, Carmilla’s next words still smacked Laura hard, the pain flowing through every inch of her being.

“Laura… you could do so much better than me. I’m not good enough for you. I’m… I’m not worth it and you know it.”

“No. No, we are not going down this road again, Carm,” she argued, pulling Carmilla back to her once again, taking that inch away. “I love you more than anything in this world  **because** you’re you. Because you make me feel like no one else ever has. Like no one else ever could. I know that you’ve had it rough, and I can’t imagine how you got through it. But… you’re good, Carm. You’re a good person. You’re an incredible person. And all those assholes who never saw that… they didn’t deserve you in their life.” It was her turn to pause, pressing her forehead against Carmilla’s temple, feeling the older girl just barely lean into her. “You make people’s worlds so much better. Without you… my world would be so dark.”

“You’re obligated to say that. You’re my girlfriend,” Carmilla mumbled and Laura couldn’t help the quiet laugh that left her.

“You know darn well that I don’t do anything I don’t want to.”

“So damn stubborn.”

She let a small smile pull at her lips, leaning in and leaving kiss against her cheek, sighing softly when Carmilla relaxed ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry. I… I’m okay, really. Go back to bed, Laura. I’ll… I’ll be there in a minute. I promise.”

“Nah. Beds are overrated,” she said, pushing Carmilla forward and climbing onto the window sill behind her. She removed the blanket from their shoulders, letting it settle over their fronts as Carmilla melted back into her. She felt the older girl reach for her, taking her hands and holding tight.

And, in total silence, that’s how they stayed for the next hour.

* * *

**_Three Years, Five Months and Nine Days Before the Accident_ **

Taking a deep breath, she attempted to sit up on the couch, but the dizziness hit her right away. No matter though, she’d just push through it. She was tough. This wasn’t a challenge she was about to lose. But just as her toes pushed into the beige carpet fibers at the foot of the sofa, a scolding voice stopped her.

“Uh uh. You still have a fever, cupcake. You’re not going to work,” Carmilla said as she emerged from the hallway, dressed and ready for the day.

“But I have to,” she mumbled, her congestion robbing her of v’s. “I’ve already missed two days.”

“Well, it’s not going to kill you to stay home for a few more and get healthy.” She watched Carmilla walk across the room to where her camera bag sat, double checking that she had everything she’d need for the day.

“I’m totally healthy,” she argued, attempting to push herself up off of the sofa, the dizzy spell intensifying as she did. “I… I’m fine.” And there went her n’s.

“Laura, no.” Still, the older girl busied herself with making sure everything was in order, not even bothering to glance back. But Laura knew if she did, that no nonsense stare would be firmly in place.

Still, she had way too much to do. She couldn’t just lie there on the couch any longer.

“But… I have that big story and I don’t want Helen to give it to someone else. She’s been so good about giving me some of the Times’ most visible pieces.”

“And I’m sure she’ll have plenty to give you when you’re back,” Carmilla said, pulling her jacket on. “She knows you’re sick. She’s not going to fire you for taking a few days to recoup.”

“But… Carm…”

“No,” she said, those dark eyes finally turning on her, and just as she’d predicted, the infamous take no prisoners stare was firmly in place.

Huffing in defeat, she slowly lay back against the cushions, pouting as she did for three full seconds before a sneezing fit hit her, leaving her huffing with a soggy tissue shoved up her right nostril.

“Yeah, you’re the picture of health.”

“Shut up.” And there went her t’s.

Carmilla simply chuckled, throwing her bag over her shoulder, and stepping towards Laura.

“Get some sleep, cupcake. I’ll bring you some more of those lotion tissues and make you soup when I get back, okay?” she said, leaning over to kiss her goodbye, but Laura turned, offering her cheek just as their lips were about to meet. “Hey!”

“Well, as much as you’re being a pain right now, I don’t want you to get sick!”

“I’ll take my chances,” Carmilla said, smirking softly and kissing her once again, this time, their lips connecting.

_ Yeah, that’s because you’re not the one who has to take care of you, _ she thought with a frown.

Laura waited until Carmilla left, locking the door behind her before attempting to sit up again. Fine. She wouldn’t go to the office. But there was nothing stopping her from working on her article here. She had her laptop. She had her research materials. She still had a three-quarter full box of Kleenex at her disposal. What Carmilla didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. But that same dizzy nausea smacked her in the face as soon as she got halfway up, and she quickly let herself fall backwards.

“Okay, just… just wait a few minutes. Then you can go get your stuff and work.”

She closed her eyes, attempting to make the room stop spinning just long enough to not hurl, and when they fluttered open again, the sun had clearly moved across the sky, the apartment warmer, and she could clearly hear Carmilla softly humming from…  _ somewhere. _

She hadn’t even realized she’d fallen asleep. It definitely wasn’t intentional. Groaning as she looked at the clock on the far wall, she realized she’d been out for the entire day.

“Uh, dammit,” she mumbled, still missing half of her alphabet.

“I told you, you needed to get some sleep,” Carmilla said, again from…  _ somewhere. _

Carefully propping herself up on her elbows, she realized she didn’t immediately want to vomit, and sat up fully, pushing her back against the arm of the couch. And finally, her eyes found Carmilla. The dark-haired girl grinned at her as their eyes met from her spot near the stove, but Laura just grumbled again, crossing her arms over her chest as the pout spread across her lips.

_ Pain in the- _

She looked to her right, her frown falling just a little as she saw a fresh box of tissues sitting atop the glass coffee table, along with a still fizzing glass of ginger ale, some vitamin C, and a few pain reliever tablets. And obviously missing was the mess she had made earlier, her used Kleenex no lingering littering every available surface. No, now it was spotless. It looked like Carmilla had even wiped down the table if the streaks across the glass top were any indication.

Looking back up, her pout lessening even more, Carmilla smiled at her, walking over and setting a still steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup next to her.

_ Why does she have to be so nice about this? _

“Don’t give me that face. Eat your soup, take the medicine, and stop being stubborn,” Carmilla said before unmuting the television across the room, and Laura noticed it was already tuned to one of the Harry Potter movies. “I’m going to go take a shower. That soup better be at least halfway gone by the time I get out.”

Leaning over, she left a soft kiss on Laura’s forehead, her fingers brushing along the side of her slightly feverish cheek so gently, and Laura couldn’t help but lean into the touch. And then, turning on her heel, Carmilla left the room, strolling down the hallway.

“Stupid, thoughtful, caring, kind, perfectly wonderful girlfriend,” Laura grumbled as she picked up the bowl, the ceramic warm in her hands.

“You forgot amazing in bed,” Carmilla called from down the hall as the bathroom door closed, but Laura just rolled her eyes.

* * *

**_Two Years, Two Months and Eleven Days Before the Accident_ **

“Whoa, hang on!” LaF cried, their face registering shock as they looked down at the slip in hand. Next to them, Perry sighed softly, her face registering surprise but her eyes shining a little as she finally looked up.

“Laura, Carmilla… this is incredibly sweet of you,” she started, reaching for LaF’s free hand as she did. “But… but we can’t accept this.”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s so super nice you guys,” LaF tacked on. “And… and yeah, we’re kind of in a bind right now but we’ve pushed the wedding back, and… this is… this is… no, we can’t take this.”

Laura knew this would be the reaction. But that wasn’t what surprised her. No, what caught her off guard was the fact that it was Carmilla, parked in the chair furthest away in the corner, that spoke next.

“Yes, you can,” she said, eyes still on her hands as she picked at her fingernail polish, and Laura smiled as she watched her girlfriend, her face so solemn and bored.

_ Which is such a front. _

Carmilla finally looked up, meeting her eyes, and Laura felt her heart swell in that moment. Smiling harder, she simply mouthed ‘I love you’ as their gazes held for a long moment, Carmilla only nodding in response.

This hadn’t been Laura’s idea. In fact, she hadn’t even weighed in on the decision, despite how adamant Carmilla was that the smaller girl’s input mattered. LaF and Perry were her best friends. She simply couldn’t and in the end, had outright refused to offer any thoughts on the matter, one way or the other. And still, here that sat.

_ God, I love her. _

“But you guys…” LaF started again. “We can’t.”

“You can and… it’s fine,” Carmilla mumbled with a huff as she stood, looking every bit uncomfortable with the situation. Shaking her head, she slid her sunglasses on, hiding her eyes, face still indifferent. “Just… take care of what you need to, alright?”

And with that, she walked out of the room, the front door quietly closing behind her as she stepped out onto the porch just a moment later.

Turning back to her friends, Laura noted the still surprised looks on their faces as they glanced between her, each other, and the quickly crumpling paper still in LaF’s hand.

“Laur…” LaF finally started. “I mean… again, thank you, but we can’t-”

“Just take it you guys,” Laura said, smiling softly. “You didn’t know what was going to happen before you started planning the wedding or before they started work on the restaurant. And we know Danny and Betty can’t afford to take on the remodel alone. You guys are partners. And… really, it’s okay. We both know you guys wouldn’t have taken all of this on if you knew about the layoffs beforehand.”

LaF looked away, uncomfortable, and Perry placed a comforting hand on their back.

“That’s true, but, Laura, dear, are you absolutely certain? This… this is a lot of money,” Perry said, glancing at the check LaF held once more.

“We’re sure.”

“We’ll pay you back, L. We promise,” LaF was quick to jump in. “I’ve got that spot with Tech lined up for the start of the new school year. And the restaurant’s going to be opening in the next month and a half, right, Per?”

“Yes, they’re ahead of schedule on the remodel and… Betty and I have been promoting the grand opening as much as we can, hoping to drum up some anticipation.”

“We’re not worried about it you guys,” Laura said, shaking her head. “I mean, we’re okay. That money… it’s from Carm’s brother. It’s part of what she would’ve gotten in her trust fund. And… well, she’s not really comfortable with spending it anyway so… it’s better for it to go towards someone we love than just sitting there.”

“But we will pay you back, Laura. This is non-negotiable,” Perry argued, face firm.

“Okay,” she giggled, finally standing. “Just don’t feel like you have to do it right away. Carm’s… well, like I said, we’re not worried about it.”

“Are… are you sure she’s okay with this, L?” LaF asked as they stood from the sofa with Perry at their side, still grasping tightly to the check in one hand and holding onto Perry with the other. “I mean, this is a lot of money. And she seems kind of ticked off already.”

“She’s fine with it. It…” Laura sighed and looked away, smiling softly to herself before turning back. “It was her idea to help you guys out. It’s… this is all her.”

“Really?” LaF balked.

“Don’t sound so shocked,” she giggled. “She just talks a big game. You know she’s a total softy.”

“We really do appreciate this, Laura. If you could… if you could tell her that. I know she won’t want to hear it from us,” Perry said, completely understanding.

“Sure. I’m just going to grab her and we’ll get out of your hair,” Laura said, smiling once more as she made her way out of the house, catching sight of her girlfriend leaning back against the jeep, sunglasses still on, the picture of indifference.

_ I really really really love her,  _ she thought, skipping down the steps.

* * *

**_Eleven Months and Nine Days Before the Accident_ **

Her hand definitely felt a little heavier as she lifted it. For such a small difference, the weight was noticeable. But it felt  **so** right.  **So** perfect.

She’d been awake for nearly twenty minutes and had spent almost the entire time laying there on her back, staring at her hand with a small smile, Carmilla beside her, still sound asleep.

She couldn’t have chosen a more perfect ring if she’d tried. It was seriously the most beautiful piece of jewelry she’d ever seen. And the proposal had been such a surprise. She knew Carmilla was a giant sap, despite the older girl’s unwillingness to admit it. And even though they both knew they were going to be together until the end, she honestly never expected Carmilla to ask her to marry her.

But seeing Carmilla there, kneeling next to her, smiling bashfully had been the most absolutely perfect way for it to happen. It hadn’t been something overly fancy or cheesy. It hadn’t been something tried or overdone. It had just been them. It was Carmilla being utterly romantic in the most Carmilla way possible, and Laura falling for her all over again for the million and twenty second time. And as they lie prone in the grass afterward, the dark-haired girl smiling up at her, Laura knew, without a doubt, that she couldn’t wait to marry Carmilla Karnstein.

“So you like the ring, huh?” Carmilla mumbled sleepily, pulling her back to the here and now, and Laura smiled harder as she let her hand drop and glanced towards her fiancée, the older girl’s eyes still closed.

_ Fiancée… I love that so much. _

She rolled onto her side, moving closer, and resting her head on Carmilla’s pillow, their faces only inches apart. Reaching up, she pushing a few wayward black strands off of Carmilla’s forehead and swallowed hard when a moment later, those amazing dark eyes that she so adored finally opened.

“Morning, Carm.”

“Mmm… cutie.”

Giggling softly, she leaned in, pressing her lips to Carmilla’s in a moment that stretched and twisted, neither of them willing to pull away until it was absolutely necessary.

“I do love the ring,” Laura said a few minutes later as she settled her head back on the pillow, her eyes searching Carmilla’s, so close she could see the different shades of brown. “But you know, you could’ve slid a rubber band on my finger, and I still would’ve said yes.”

“Now you tell me,” she grumbled, indignant.

Laura giggled again at the frown Carmilla forced to her face, leaning in and letting her lips brush across her eyebrows.

“I really do love it. It’s beautiful. But…” She reached up, softly cupping Carmilla’s cheek, eyes still searching the tired ones in front of her. “Honestly, I just love how you asked. I love that you asked at all.”

“You thought we’d just sit down one afternoon and draw up a merger instead?” she teased.

“No,” Laura smiled. “I just… I didn’t even know that you were thinking about it. I mean, we both know that we’re in this for the long haul. But… I didn’t expect this.”

“It was a long time in the making. Lots of plans and strategies,” she sighed, rolling over and flopping onto her back. “Honestly, it was a giant pain in the ass, but…” She paused for a long moment, turning a soft smile Laura’s way. “You’re worth it.”

“When did you decide?” she asked, voice quiet, Carmilla’s statement hitting home.

“LaF and Perry’s wedding,” she answered, turning her gaze back toward the ceiling before closing her eyes. “You looked so beautiful and… you laughed at something one of the ginger twins said, and I heard it from across the yard. I realized that I wanted to hear that every day for the rest of our lives. And then… I realized that I was going to ask you to marry me.”

Laura smiled softly at the admission, so sweet and something that no one else in the world would ever hear.

“You looked gorgeous that day,” she finally said, reaching up, her fingertips tickling along Carmilla’s shoulder and down the center of her chest to where the sheet fell. “I think I’m still surprised that you asked though. Not in a bad way or anything because… well, you’re you. And we’re in love. But… I really really love that you asked, Carm.”

And she did. That could never be said enough. But now that they were actually engaged…

She glanced up just as Carmilla’s head turned towards her, their eyes meeting, and only a few inches of space separating them.

“You have your thinking face on. You have that little crease between your eyebrows,” Carmilla teased, softly touching the spot. “What’s up?”

“Well…” She stuttered to a halt, unsure of how exactly to proceed with this particular topic. It was one that she’d obviously have to broach at some point, but she didn’t expect that point to come so soon. And if Carmilla didn’t agree with her, she couldn’t fault the girl. They’d been together for so long and…

_ And you’re about to ask for something so stupid and superficial. _

“Cutie?”

She looked back into those loving dark eyes, taking in the softness there, and swallowed hard as she realized that she’d get to wake up to them every day for the rest of her life.

“Can I ask you something?” her voice finally came out, quieter than she intended.

“After all these years, we’re still playing that game?”

“No, but I just… the proposal was incredibly romantic, and you obviously put some thought behind it. But did you… did you already have something in mind for the wedding?”

“Cupcake, we just got engaged yesterday,” she chuckled. “How could I possibly already have a plan?”

“I didn’t know if you’d thought about it before hand,” she shrugged, watching as Carmilla’s smile somehow became even softer.

“No. I didn’t have a plan beyond getting you to say yes.”

“I don’t think that was really that hard,” Laura said, a small smile touching her lips as she looked at her hand again. Glancing back up though, she saw Carmilla waiting and pushed forward. “But… well, is it something you want to do… like right away?”

“What do you mean? Like tomorrow? Because I think I have plans with Kirsch and Mel,” she said, still smiling as she reached for Laura’s hand, her thumb brushing across her knuckles, and Laura felt a little of the tension leave her. Not all of it, but enough to proceed.

“No, not tomorrow. But, in the not so distant future?” she asked, her brow still furrowed.

“I mean, I asked you because I want to marry you. And, yeah, I’d rather it be sooner than later.”

_ Of course. _

“Yeah,” she said, hating that she was ruining this beautiful morning. “Yeah, that… that makes sense. Okay.”

“You’re still thinking,” Carmilla said as their eyes met a moment later and Laura simply shrugged. She watched as the older girl rolled towards her, keeping their fingers braided together. “Cutie, come on, talk to me.”

“I just… I doubt you really care about planning anything anyway. You’ll be happy no matter what we do.”

“As long as we’re together, yeah. I… I’d marry you right now and it’d be fine by me. But, we don’t have to run down to the courthouse next week, you know? We can wait a bit, I don’t mind.”

“So… if that’s the case, and you don’t mind… can we maybe hold off?” she asked quietly. “Maybe push it back awhile?”

And she instantly saw the tinge of worry leaking into those gorgeous brown eyes.

_ Dang it! _

“You… I mean, I know you said yes, but… I mean, if you don’t actually want to-”

“Stop it, right now,” she said, leaning in and soundly kissing her fiancée again, refusing to pull away until she felt Carmilla relax into her. And when she finally did, Laura reached up, cupping Carmilla’s cheek, the ring glinting in the early morning sun streaming through the sheer curtains. “I’m not having second thoughts. I’m not changing my mind. I want to marry you, Carm. That’s not going to change.”

“Okay. Then what?”

“I just… I know this is so petty and it makes me seem less grateful, but… I don’t want to just go down the courthouse, Carm. I don’t want to do this in front of a bunch of strangers in a week like it’s just a regular Tuesday before you go off for a shoot and I spend the day holed up writing in the office. I… want to be with you, and that’s what matters, so if you not okay with this, then that’s fine, but… I just would maybe like to plan something? Nothing big obviously. We have like ten friends between us,” she said, attempting to lighten the mood. “But, it would be nice to have something special, you know?”

“We can have whatever we want,” Carmilla said, smiling and relaxing further into the bed. “It doesn’t make you ungrateful that you want something special, Laura. And it doesn’t mean I think that you love me any less. I understand. And… I kind of already knew you’d want to plan something.”

She held on, pushing her free hand into Carmilla’s hair as the older girl leaned in, letting their lips meet, taking in the moment. Of course Carmilla would know what she’d want. And of course, she’d understand.

“Are you sure?” she asked when they pulled apart. “Because if you really want to just go and do it right now, we can.”

“No, cupcake, I get it. And I’m not opposed to waiting for whatever you want to do.”

_ Whatever I want to do. _

“Well, I appreciate that, Carm, really I do. But… even though I know you don’t care, wouldn’t it be nice to kind of do this together? And make something special? Something we’d both like?”

“I didn’t say that I was just going to be hanging out on the couch while you figured it all out,” Carmilla chuckled. “I may not have many opinions, but I do like the idea of us coming up with something together.”

Laura swallowed hard as her lips turned upwards, falling for Carmilla for the million and twenty third time..

“Are you… are you absolutely sure you’re okay with waiting?” she pressed, wanting them both to be certain.

“Cupcake, today, tomorrow, six years from now, I don’t care what we do. I just want to be with you. The rest… it’s just background noise.”

_ How in the world did I get so lucky? _

“I love you so much,” she said softly, pulling Carmilla on top of her, threading her fingers through dark locks as their foreheads pressed together.

“Love you too.”

* * *

**_One Month and One Day Before the Accident_ **

She took another sip from the champagne flute in hand, staring at the framed photo in front of her, a warm sense of pride swelling in her chest as one of the organizers approached the name card to the right of the frame, placing a little sticker on the placard. That was ten so far that she’d seen sell, and the show had only started a half an hour earlier.

Moving further along, she smiled at the next print on the wall, remembering the day it had been taken. With nothing to do that particular afternoon, she’d tagged along, watching her fiancée work, which was always far from boring.

_ Watching her work tends to be more totally enthralling and super sexy. _

“Not bad, Frosh.” She giggled, turning to see LaF and Perry standing there, hands gently clasped, all dressed up, and smiling happily at her.

“Yeah, she’s doing pretty good. We didn’t think she could top the last show but… looks like she will,” Laura agreed, looking around the space that was quickly filling up with more bodies. “Thank you both for coming.”

“We wouldn’t have missed it, dear,” Perry said, waving her off. “We’re very happy, for both of you.”

“Totally,” LaF agreed. “I mean, if you want to point us towards one, preferably on the cheaper side, we’d be happy to provide our support.”

“That’s very nice of you, but the last time you tried that, she just got mad,” she laughed again. “It’s… it’s enough that you came.”

“Eh, we’re good friends like that, L.”

“Yeah, I know. And speaking of good friends, I think Mel and Charlotte are just around the corner. And I saw Kirsch and Danny arguing near the entrance when it started. Betty was trying to play peacemaker, but you know how those two are,” she said with a soft laugh.

“Alright, we’ll go find them then,” LaF said, moving to pull Perry along.

“Oh, yes, but we would like to congratulate Carmilla so please wave us down when she’s not too busy,” Perry added as they walked away and Laura simply nodded.

And speaking of Carmilla, she caught sight of her incredibly gorgeous fiancée standing towards the middle of the room in the fitted black suit and heels she’d chosen for the occasion, talking intensely with JP and another man she didn’t recognize, but considering the occasion, she guessed he was probably an interested buyer.

_ Good, she deserves this. _

Turning back around, she moved further into the room, taking in the next print hanging on the wall with another little prideful smile. And then the next. And then…

“You look absolutely stunning tonight.” She laughed, feeling Carmilla’s arms slide around her from behind, pulling her close. “This little red dress is very distracting, Hollis.”

“Shouldn’t you be schmoozing right now?” Laura argued, turning in Carmilla’s arms and wrapping her free arm around the older girl’s shoulders.

“Ugh, you know I don’t like talking to people that aren’t you,” Carmilla grumbled.

“Well, if they’re going to pay top dollar for your prints, don’t you think you can at least throw them a smile now and then?”

“Nope. It’s better if I look super mysterious,” Carmilla said quietly, leaning in like she was revealing a big secret. “They’ll pay more money if they think I’m super damaged.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Laura giggled and Carmilla smiled back at her, leaning in to leave a soft kiss on her lips.

“But you love me,” she mumbled lowly when she didn’t pull away, and Laura couldn’t help the breath that caught in her chest at sound of that voice.

_ God, even seven years later, I’m still absolute putty in her hands. _

“I really, really do,” she smiled, kissing Carmilla softly, feeling the older girl still smiling against her.

“Pardon, I’m terribly sorry to interrupt,” came a meek voice to their left, and she felt Carmilla grumble against her mouth before they parted.

Turning, she smiled brightly at the bearded man, standing there in his bowtie and cuffs, looking absolutely terrified.

“Hey, JP,” she greeted, keeping her hold on Carmilla. But it seemed her fiancée was not feeling as polite.

“What do you want?”

“Oh, well, again, I’m terribly sorry to intrude, but Mr. Claverd is interested in two of your pieces and… well, it would be a good idea to perhaps speak with him about them.”

Laura giggled as she heard Carmilla literally growl, frustrated, before turning back to her with sad eyes.

“Go on. Your public awaits.”

“I’ll be back later,” Carmilla said, leaving one last soft kiss against Laura’s cheek before following JP back into the further growing crowd.

_ God, she’s so incredible, _ she thought, that feeling of overwhelming pride sitting in her chest.

* * *

**_Present - One Year, One Month and One Day After the Accident_ **

“We picked a pretty good spot, don’t you think?”

Laura’s smile brightened as she turned away from where she’d been staring across the water, and took in the sight of Carmilla, half of her dark locks pinned back, the rest falling across her bare shoulders in soft waves, looking more beautiful than Laura had ever seen her. The older girl stared back, eyes soft and sweet.

“I can’t imagine a better one,” she said, feeling her stomach do a little flip at the sight. She took a few steps forward, Carmilla meeting her halfway, their fingers wrapping together, skin soft and warm as they pulled each other close.

“It was a great idea, cupcake. Much better than the original one.”

“Well, I can’t take all the credit. I definitely had some help,” she sighed, leaning in and pressing her lips against Carmilla’s for a long moment. “Mmm… the best help.” She pulled away, pressing their foreheads together as her fingers tightened around Carmilla’s, that fluttering feeling in her chest growing with each second.

“So what’re you doing over here all by your lonesome?”

“Just… thinking,” she answered with a small shrug.

“About anything in particular?” Carmilla asked. She let go of one hand, letting her fingertips trail up Laura’s arm and across her shoulder, skin against skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake that had nothing to do with the autumn breeze swirling around them.

“Just about us. About everything we’ve had over the years.”

“Hmm… years? Plural?” Carmilla teased and Laura just giggled and kissed her again. “You really love that you can remember stuff now, don’t you?”

“I do. Seven years missing is a long time, Carm.”

“It is,” Carmilla agreed, releasing Laura’s other hand, her fingertips making the same trek up Laura’s other arm, her dark gaze never roving.

“I mean, I know I’m still missing stuff. Probably some really great things too.”

“All you have to do is ask, cutie,” Carmilla said, just as she had been for the last ten months.

“I know. Sometimes I think you like story time more than I do. But… even with all these memories coming back, I really love that we’ve kept making new memories over the last year,” she said, wrapping her now free hands around Carmilla’s waist, the black material there (because of course she chose black) soft against her fingertips.

“Yeah?” Carmilla pressed, fingers from one hand still dancing along Laura’s shoulders, the other tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear.

“I love any time with you.”

“The good, bad, and in between?” Carmilla teased with a soft smile, cupping Laura’s face and letting one of her thumbs softly drag below Laura’s bottom lip.

“All of it,” she sighed, moving closer, unable to help herself.

* * *

**_Five Months & Twenty-Five Days After the Accident_ **

Running a hand through her still wet hair, Laura walked down the hallway, smiling when she saw Carmilla’s boots sitting haphazardly near the front door, leather jacket tossed onto the coat rack, camera bag dropped near the front table.

“Hey!” she said, rounding the corner into the kitchen, smiling at the sight of Carmilla’s leather covered backside just barely peeking out from behind the open refrigerator door. “When did you get home?”

Carmilla stood, closing the door and turned towards Laura, smiling fondly.

“Maybe five minutes ago. I heard the shower but I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Well, I appreciate that,” Laura said, stepping forward and leaving a quick kiss against her cheek. “How was your day?”

“Long,” Carmilla sighed, sagging back against the island. “All I’ve wanted to do since noon is come home and crash on the couch with something sweet. And, speaking of which, what happened to the caramel swirl cheesecake Perry sent home with us yesterday from the restaurant? I can’t find it in the fridge.”

“Oh, um… I don’t know,” Laura shrugged, looking away, hoping the guilt wasn’t visible on her face. “I uh… I had a piece last night but…”

“I thought she packed up two pieces.”

“Oh. Um, no. No, I think she only sent home one piece,” Laura said, her voice going higher with each word.

She chanced a glance back at Carmilla, taking in the look of disbelief, one eyebrow raised, and knew she was only a moment from cracking. Forcing a nervous smile to her face, she shrugged again as she moved over towards the kitchen table, taking a seat in front of her laptop that she’d left there. Opening it up, she pretended to be completely wrapped up in the article she was trying to finish, and not in the caramel swirl cheesecake flavor that she could still taste, having eaten the second piece just twenty minutes earlier.

“Huh,” Carmilla started with an over exaggerated nod. “Could’ve sworn she sent home two. In fact, I’m almost positive I saw another piece in the fridge last night right before we went to bed. And, well, I know you already had eaten some. You kept moaning rather… provocatively while we were watching TV.”

Laura’s mouth cracked open with a puff of air, her eyes noticeably widening, but she refused to look away from her laptop screen as Carmilla slowly approached.

“Nope. No, I think that was all we had.”

“Well… I guess I was mistaken,” she said, reaching Laura’s chair and leaning into her, one hand on the back of the seat, the other atop the table.

“Guess so,” Laura said, her voice breaking in the middle.

“Hmm… okay then. I’m just going to go grab a shower. I’ll make dinner for us when I’m done.”

“Okay, sounds good,” Laura agreed, finally smiling up at Carmilla as the dark-haired girl slowly leaned down, their lips meeting just a moment later. Immediately distracted by that amazing mouth, she found herself smiling into the kiss as she felt one of Carmilla’s hands cup her chin. And as the older girl escalated the kiss just a second later, Laura couldn’t help the small groan that left her throat when she felt Carmilla’s tongue meet hers.

“Ha! I knew it!” Carmilla said, pulling away, eyes teasing, smirking smugly. “You ate both pieces. I taste caramel!”

“Uh, fine. I’m sorry,” Laura started, eyes eager. “It’s just… well, it was sitting in there, all delicious and I was hungry and… ugh, I’m a terrible girlfriend.”

“You are! I’ve been looking forward to that all day!”

“I… ugh, I really am sorry, Carm. It was just… it was calling to me! And you know my sweet tooth is insatiable!”

“Truer words were never spoken.”

“No, really, I feel awful. Let me make it better,” she offered, tone eager.

“You want to make it up to me?” Carmilla asked, her voice dropping as she leaned in, eyes heavy, lips only centimeters from Laura’s.

_ Well, when I said that, I was thinking of something along the lines of making you bacon filled waffles, but this’ll work even better. _

“Yeah,” she sighed. Laura stood up, hands reaching for Carmilla’s hips as she did, pulling the older girl closer. “Absolutely.”

“You sure?” Carmilla teased, leaning in and nipping at that spot just below Laura’s ear, making her breath hitch. “Because I  **really** want something… sweet, cupcake.”

“Definitely sure,” she eagerly nodded.

“Good,” Carmilla sighed, leaving one more nip. “I want the mocha cappuccino one.”

_ What?! _

Laura looked up as Carmilla slowly backed away, still smirking smugly as she did. Reaching for the hem of her shirt, Carmilla pulled it up and over her head, revealing the smooth, perfect planes of her stomach and her mouthwatering breasts pushed up by her bra.

“And if they don’t have any more of that flavor, then get the chocolate marble,” she added, reaching for the button on her leather pants and smoothly sliding it through the hole.

“Wait! What do you mean?” Laura asked, unable to take her eyes away from the alabaster skin now on display or the flash of what appeared to be black lace where Carmilla’s was pulling at the zipper of her pants.

“The bakery up the street, cutie,” she grinned. “Their cheesecake isn’t as good as Perry’s, but it’ll do.”

And with that, Carmilla winked and turned away, sauntering down the hallway, not looking back.

_ Wait, but… _

“Oh, damn it!” Laura cried.

* * *

**_Seven Months & Four Days After the Accident_ **

Stuffing the wrapped turkey and bacon sandwich into the paper bag with a huff, she looked up just as Carmilla came into the kitchen, the dark-haired girl not even bothering to look up as she walked past. Laura rolled her eyes with another angry sigh, and stretched her shoulders again, the right one still feeling a little numb after sleeping on the couch.

_ Which was not the best idea, but sleeping next to her was not an option last night. _

Mumbling some more to herself as she cleaned up the mess on the countertop, she turned and dropped the dish towel in the sink, looking out the window and taking in the start of a gorgeous spring day, blue skies as far as the eye could see. It was a day she would normally embrace with a smile, eager to take it on.

_ Normally. _

“Dammit, where in the hell did I put…” She heard Carmilla grumbling behind her, and smiled smugly, eyes still focused out the window, as the older girl attempted to find whatever it was she’d lost this time.

_ See? If she would just clean up after herself, everyone’s life would be so much easier. _

The argument the night before had been brewing for a few weeks. And it was something that should’ve been so easy to avoid. They’d been getting along great except for the fact that Carmilla’s slovenly habits were getting worse and worse by the day, regardless of how many times Laura mentioned it.

_ And I’ve mentioned it a lot over the years. I think…  _ Her brow furrowed as she attempted to catalog what memories she could, easily finding a handful of examples. Yes, Carmilla was absolutely horrible about picking up after herself when they’d first moved in together. And yes, she had gotten much better about it over the years. But the last two months had been worse than normal. And she understood that Carmilla had been busy. She knew that the dark-haired girl had been working long, hard hours for weeks, and she appreciated it. But Laura was working hard too, and enough was enough. Finally, the bath towel lying next to the hamper the day before, after Laura had just cleaned, again, had been the final straw.

Granted, maybe Carmilla had a point when she fired back after Laura’s tirade that the tiny brunette was blowing this way out of proportion. But by that time, she was too angry to care, leaving both of them mad at the other, and unwilling to fully apologize for their behavior.

_ We’re both too stubborn for our own good,  _ she thought as she turned away from the window, watching Carmilla pull her boots on out of the corner of her eye.

“Will you be gone all day?” she finally asked, voice gruff as she stepped forward and gripped onto the island counter.

“Do you really care?” Carmilla countered in her own bored tone, not even bothering to look up.

“Not particularly,” she sighed.  _ God, she’s such a butthead! _

“Hmm… then probably, yeah.” And still, that indifferent tone echoed throughout their kitchen.

“Fine.”

Carmilla shrugged and pulled her messenger bag onto her shoulder before grabbing her keys from the table by the door. Laura watched as she reached for the brass handle and felt that ache in her chest, pulling harder in harder.

_ So stubborn. _

“Wait!”

“What?” Carmilla asked, finally turning towards her, her face a mask of irritated impatience, but her eyes… Laura still saw the love there, the light never dimming. The same light that always flowed from her own gaze.

“Here,” Laura grumbled as she grabbed the brown paper bag off of the counter and stepped towards her girlfriend, handing it over. “It’s lunch. There’s… there’s no mayo on it.”

“Oh.” Though her expression didn’t change, Laura saw her eyes soften ever so slightly. “Thanks, I guess.”

“But I’m still mad at you,” she blurted out, fists clenched at her sides.

“I know. Still mad at you too, cupcake,” Carmilla said, her tone clipped even as she leaned in and left a soft kiss against Laura’s cheek. And just as she was about to pull away, the smaller girl grabbed at her open flannel and gently brought their lips together for a long moment.

Just because she was mad didn’t mean she was going to let the older girl leave without a kiss. It was a habit she was unwilling to break.

She frowned as Carmilla pulled away, one of those perfect eyebrows raised, and angrily crossed her arms over her chest.

“Jerk.”

“Yes. Yes, you are, cutie,” Carmilla nodded as she walked out, closing the door behind her.

“Grr!”

* * *

**_Eight Months & Eighteen Days After the Accident_ **

“You have a second?” she asked nervously, peering around the corner into the living room.

“Uh, yeah. What’s up?” Carmilla asked from her spot on the sofa, briefly glancing up from her computer propped in her lap.

“How busy are you right now?” That anxiety still lingered.  _ Dang it, you’re fine. This isn’t a big deal. _

“Well, I mean I’m not terribly swamped but I did want to get this proposal over to the art studio today,” Carmilla shrugged.

Laura nodded and stepped further into the room, leaning against the corner of the wall as she did, fingers nervously worrying together.

“How long do you think that’ll take you?” she asked meekly.

“What do you want, cutie?” Carmilla chuckled, closing her laptop and setting it on the trunk in front of her.

Unable to stop herself, she giggled, the feeling of warmth surrounding her as the dark-haired girl gave Laura her undivided attention.

“I… I want to go for a ride.”

She looked up, watching Carmilla’s smile turn into that sexy little smirk, raising one of her eyebrows as she did.

_ What’s that look for? _

“A ride? Like…” And Laura couldn’t stop the roll of her eyes as Carmilla sat back further, her eyes pointedly glancing towards her own lap as she did.

“No! God, you’re so one-track minded!” Laura giggled.

“Well, after last night, I thought maybe you wanted a turn,” she shrugged, leaning forward again, elbows resting on her knees.

“Last night was… well, maybe later,” she said, shaking her head with a smile and a slight blush as the previous evening flashed through her mind. “But, I meant that I want to go out for a ride on the bike.”

“Really?” Carmilla’s face registered genuine surprise and she slowly stood from the couch, stepping towards the tiny brunette.

They hadn’t gone since Laura found out about the reason behind her memory loss. Granted, it had been winter and not ideal, but even as the snow melted and the air warmed, they still hadn’t even talked about taking a drive. Carmilla hadn’t even gone out on her own, much as she’d wanted to, and had instead, lent it out to Kirsch a few times just to keep it up and running.

“Really,” Laura said, her eager tone leaking into her smile as she pushed off the wall and moved towards Carmilla. Reaching for her girlfriend, she pulled her close by her hips, giving a gentle squeeze as she did. “Please, Carm.”

“Are you… are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to upset you and I didn’t think that-”

“I want to,” she interrupted, knowing exactly where Carmilla was going with her line of questions. Her smile softened, some of her enthusiasm ebbing away as she looked up at the dark-haired girl. “Carm, as terrifying as it is to think about losing you, we can’t stop living. And I know you haven’t gone because you didn’t want to worry me. But… if we go together, maybe we’ll both feel better.”

She shrugged, searching Carmilla’s beautiful dark eyes, hoping it would be okay. This wasn’t just her asking. This was Carmilla also not panicking about causing the memory loss to begin with, an argument that Laura was unwilling to give up on. 

Her shoulders sagged and she smiled when a moment later the older girl reached up, and cupped her face. She giggled as Carmilla slowly leaned in, letting their lips meet for just a moment before pulling away with her own smile.

“Let’s go.”

* * *

**_Ten Months & Seven Days After the Accident_ **

Laura glanced up, smiling softly as she watched Carmilla reach for a piece of the second giant chocolate chip cookie that they were sharing, popping it into her mouth and chewing slowly, all without ever looking away from the worn paperback in her hand. When she’d told the older girl that she actually had some stuff to work on during their normal free day, Carmilla had adorably asked if she could tag along and quietly keep her company, something that Laura would never say no to. They were at one of their new favorite spots, a little cafe that they’d found a couple months earlier, sitting at one of the little outdoor patio tables, the wrought iron chairs warm from the summer sun.

And, surprisingly, Carmilla had kept her word of staying quiet. In fact, they’d only exchanged a few words over the last hour. But non-verbally, Laura was finding her girlfriend’s presence to be incredibly distracting.

_ And I love it. _

She smiled harder as their legs pressed together a little firmer, Carmilla’s right knee wedged between her own, and her left ankle wrapped around the back of Laura’s right, the tiny table lending itself to helping them stay close. Hands kept touching as Carmilla would reach for her anytime the smaller girl stopped her frantic typing, fingertips softly dancing along her palm or across her knuckles.

_ So incredible, _ she thought, sighing softly for probably the forty-fifth time that day, the sound finally catching Carmilla’s attention.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, not even bothering to look up from her book as she reached for her cappuccino.

“You’re pretty,” Laura giggled, leading Carmilla to chuckle softly, finally glancing up, those gorgeous eyes that Laura loved, dancing.

“You’re distracted.”

“Well, how can I not be when you’re sitting there all amazing and perfect and fascinating?”

“Watching me read is fascinating?” Carmilla countered, leaning forward onto the table.

_ Watching you breath is fascinating. _

“You think watching me write is fascinating,” Laura said, pushing her laptop closed and linking her fingers with the older girl’s.

“No, I think watching you write is utterly captivating.”

“That’s the same thing,” Laura giggled and Carmilla just smiled harder.

“And listening to you using your extensive vocabulary is riveting.”

“Carm…” she giggled again.

“And hearing you laugh is enchanting,” she continued, still smirking.

“You are ridiculous,” Laura said, pulling the older girl forward, stretching a little as their lips met across the narrow table with an echo of quiet sighs.

Opening her eyes as they pulled apart a moment later, Laura smiled softly, feeling her heart beat a little faster, her stomach swarming with butterflies as she saw the most beautiful smile pull at Carmilla’s lips.

This girl… she’d been in love with her for almost eight years at that point. And she couldn’t have picked a more perfect person for herself to spend forever with. She’d practically walked through hell and back for Laura, and she did it all without complaint. She did it because she loved Laura that much.

“What now?” Carmilla suddenly asked, eyes curious as she tilted her head ever so slightly to the side. But her smile never fell. “You look contemplative.”

“Nothing, I just…” she trailed off, searching the dark eyes in front of her, so completely and utterly full of love. “You make me so happy, Carm. And I love you so much. After everything that’s happened, we’re still here and together and… I just…”

_ Adore you. Need you. Want you forever. _

But she couldn’t say anything more, so instead, she pulled Carmilla in again, her lips meeting the dark-haired girls in a long moment, so soft and sweet and…

_ Perfect. _

“I’m not going to complain about that,” Carmilla chuckled as they pulled apart, eyes meeting again.

It had almost been a year. And what an almost year it had been. They’d been pulled back and forth, up and down, and everywhere in between. But they were still here. They were still together, and somehow, more in love than ever before.

_ And I really really want that forever she promised. _

“What?” Carmilla chuckled again, tone teasing. “As attractive as they are, you have to get rid of the inquisitive eyes. It’s too much for my weak little heart to take.”

“Hey! I’m serious here. I just… I really love you so much and… you’re incredible. You’re the most amazing person in this world! You’re so good to me and so kind. You’re perfect in the most imperfect ways. And you’re smart and funny and sweet and… and…” She felt the word vomit forming but was in no position to stop it. “Dang it, Carm, marry me?”

_ Oh boy! _

Of course she’d just blurted it out! Of course it had been an unplanned moment! Of course she’d gone the rogue Laura Hollis way! But maybe that’s how it had to be. Carmilla had done it her way once. It was Laura’s turn now

_ Stumbling blubbering idiot, yep that’s my way. _

She waited as Carmilla stared back at her for a long moment, eyes searching, before a smile slowly curled the edges of her lips.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Laura said with a giggle. “You’re… you’re it, Carm. And you know that.” 

And then Carmilla had kissed her, hard, smiling into it and refusing to break away until a round of uncomfortable coughing started at a nearby table.

“Let’s get married,” Carmilla whispered against her lips, making Laura smile even harder.

“Really?!”

“Did you honestly think I’d say no?” she chuckled, and Laura couldn’t stop the giggle of hearing her own words parroted back from the first proposal.

“I think I can’t wait to marry you!” she laughed again, giddy and excited and…

_ So in love.  _

Later that night, as they snuggled up on the sofa, lighting soft and music softer, her engagement ring settled firmly back on her finger where it belonged, Laura fully sank into Carmilla without a care in the world.

_ Perfect. _

* * *

**_Eleven Months & Twelve Days After the Accident_ **

“Carm, I’ll be upstairs in like thirty seconds, I just walked in the building,” she said, resituating her shoulder strap on her laptop bag as she ran into the empty elevator just as it was about to close, quickly pushing the button for the third floor.

“Well, I didn’t know you were going to be home so soon,” Carmilla countered, which was…  _ odd. _

“Did you… did you not want me to come home?”

“I never said that, Laura. I just didn’t know you were already here,” Carmilla answered, voice soft and reassuring.

“But… I’m confused. I texted you half an hour ago saying I was on my way. Did you think I was going to stay out all night?” she asked as the elevator arrived at their floor with a ding, the doors smoothly sliding open.

“I just thought you’d spend more time at the cafe, cutie. You said you had a lot to do.”

“I know. I just wasn’t getting as much done there as I wanted to,” she said, trudging down the hallway.

“So… you’re going to be busy all night then?”

“Probably,” she said as she slid her key into the door and turned the locks, pushing the door to number 307 open. “I mean, I… holy cow!”

Carmilla. Black thigh highs. Open black button down shirt. Black lace underwear and nothing else.

_ Oh… _

“Are you sure you’re going to be busy?” the dark-haired girl asked into the phone, her lips just barely curled up at the right corner.

“Nope. No, I’m… free as a bird,” Laura squeaked.

She watched as Carmilla put her phone down on the kitchen island and slowly sauntered toward her, taking Laura’s own phone from her hand and her laptop bag from her shoulder. Setting everything on top of the side table, she reached out, her fingers sliding through Laura’s belt loops as she pulled her closer.

“Are you positive you don’t have anything else to do?” she whispered against Laura’s lips.

“Besides you?” she blurted out, and then blushed when she realized her mouth was moving faster than her brain.

_ Smooth, Hollis. _

“Well, in that case,” Carmilla teased with a smirk as she began to back up, pulling Laura with her and turning them as they reached one of the dining chairs that had been pulled away from the table. “I seem to remember someone mentioning that… we should revisit this little activity.”

Laura swallowed hard, unable to stop the excited smile pulling at her lips as Carmilla pushed her into the chair and immediately straddled her lap, her open shirt pushing apart further, giving the tiny brunette a better view of what lie beneath. Unconsciously, Laura’s hands found their way to Carmilla’s hips, only the thinnest of lace separating her from her fiancée’s soft skin. And Carmilla allowed it for a moment, before her smile turned wicked, and she reached for the remote sat on the table behind Laura. Two seconds later, the sound of heavy guitar came to life from somewhere in the room, but where…  _ oh, who cares? _ She certainly didn’t as Carmilla’s hips slowly ground into her stomach. But then…

“Wait, did you really pick a Beatles cover for this?” she asked, tipping her head to the side.

_ What in the hell is wrong with me?!? _

“Are you really going to analyze the music right now, Hollis?” Carmilla teased, stopping all movement and smiling down at her.

“No!” she squeaked again. “Please… continue.”

“That’s what I thought.”

* * *

**_Present - One Year, One Month and One Day After the Accident_ **

“Of course, you keep the dirty stuff in one of the easily accessible files,” Carmilla chuckled, fingertips tickling at her jaw.

“Hey, no more than you do!” Laura said, smiling brightly. “And… well, I keep everything I can accessible.”

“So how are you going to make room for new stuff if you keep it all front and center?”

“New stuff? Huh…” She unwrapped an arm from around Carmilla’s waist and tapped her chin thoughtfully, pretending to think. “Is there something important coming that I should be aware of?”

Carmilla chuckled again, her hands still gentle against Laura’s face as she pulled her close, their lips coming together for a long lingering moment.

“There you are!” Perry called, quickly walking up behind them. “What are you doing? Don’t you know you’re not supposed to see each other beforehand?”

“You and LaF did it,” Laura argued as she pulled away.

“Yes, but, Laura, dear, I think the two of you have had enough bad luck. No need to tempt fate.”

“We’ll take our chances,” Carmilla said, her eyes never leaving Laura’s.

“Fine, don’t come complaining to me when one of you bumps your head and can’t remember who you are again,” Perry grumbled. “But, we’re just finishing everything up. So be ready in five minutes.”

“She might’ve missed her calling,” Laura said, smiling up at the dark-haired girl.

“What’s that? Giant pain in the ass?”

“Carm!” she giggled. “She’s been really helpful. In fact, they’ve all been helpful this past month.”

“That’s because they know we’re buying them dinner afterwards. I’ve heard lobster mentioned a lot so… this isn’t going to be a cheap date, cupcake.”

“Totally worth it,” Laura countered, leaning into Carmilla again as her eyes trailed over the knee length black dress that fit the older girl like a glove.

“Can you wear this again?” Carmilla asked, as if reading her thoughts, dark eyes trailing up and down Laura’s form, taking in her own pale blue, thin strapped dress that fell to the middle of her shins.

“I might be able to work something out,” Laura grinned, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist and pulling their bodies flush. “For my fiancée, that is.”

“Hmm, only for… what did Susie Homemaker say? Five more minutes?”

“I’ll take it,” Laura giggled, leaning in and kissing Carmilla again.

* * *

_ So far so good, _ she thought as they uttered the standard ‘I do’s’ beneath the prominent oak in the park, where just over two years earlier, Carmilla had proposed to her. They’d planned a short ceremony, no frills or fuss. In fact, there was really only one part that Laura had absolutely insisted on, which initially left Carmilla floundering, but with a few soft kisses and her patented puppy dog eyes, it had been an easily agreed upon request.

“So, uh…” Laura giggled, unable to take her eyes off of the dark-haired girl in front of her, despite the bumbling idiot next to them. “These two totally wrote their own vows and, well, I guess that’s next. Um, angry hottie, you want to go first?” Kirsch asked, the glee in his voice obvious, and Laura, along with everyone around them laughed as Carmilla shot him a look, shaking her head as she did.

“Really? You couldn’t get through ten minutes without using nicknames,” she grumbled.

“You’re one to talk,” Laura said, still giggling when Carmilla turned to her and everyone just laughed harder.

“Do you really want to get on my bad side today, cupcake?”

“You wouldn’t do that to me,” Laura argued, releasing one of her hands and reaching up, her fingertip just barely tickling along Carmilla’s jaw. “You love me way too much.”

“I really do,” Carmilla agreed, leaning in to leave a short kiss against Laura’s mouth, making the smaller girl giddily laugh once again.

“Dude! Not yet!” Kirsch stage whispered, eyes wide, making both girls smile as they parted. Straightening up, he cleared his throat and tried again. “Okay, so, Carmilla,” he started, and it sounded so strange coming from him that they both had to softly laugh again. “Um, do you want to go first, dude?”

Carmilla smiled at him once more, and Laura couldn’t help but feel a little lighter at the look that passed between them. They’d been friends for longer than she’d even known Carmilla, and she knew how much doing this for them actually meant to Kirsch. Honestly, the way his eyes shown with unshed tears, everyone could see how much this meant.

Turning back to Laura, Carmilla braided their fingers together, her thumb carefully moving back and forth along Laura’s index finger and the tiny brunette smiled, knowing that the move really wasn’t just for her anymore. It had really calmed Carmilla all along as well, something she’d only discovered a handful of months ago.

_ Still learning new things. _

“I, um… when you said you wanted to do it this way, I honestly had no clue what to write. You’re the wordsmith, not me,” she chuckled. “And no matter what I thought up, I kept coming back to the same thing, over and over.”

Laura’s heart beat a little faster as Carmilla swallowed hard and shrugged, clearly caught up in the moment. Leaning in closer, she squeezed the dark-haired girl’s hands in her own, letting her own thumb brush along Carmilla’s a few times until the older girl relaxed.

“You’re my Laura. You always have been and you always will be. And I love you more than anything in this world. I told you… that’s all that ever mattered. And I promised you forever. I want to give you that. I… you’re it, cutie. You’re my forever. And I want to be yours.”

Laura smiled, feeling her own eyes well up at the words. Even though short, they spoke volumes. They mattered.

“You’re up, little nerd,” Kirsch mumbled, fisting at his right eye as he did, the tears having slipped out, and Laura couldn’t help but let out a little watery giggle before turning back to Carmilla.

“Despite my knack for rambling, I actually didn’t come up with a lot of words either. Just because… well, there will never be enough to really explain how I feel about you. There is no one else like you in this world, Carm. There is no one else in this world as amazing and selfless. As patient and understanding. As kind and thoughtful. You’re it.”

Carmilla smiled bashfully and looked down for a moment before bringing her gaze back up, those gorgeous dark eyes shining with all the love in the world. And Laura couldn’t help the few tears that slipped from her own eyes, giggling as Carmilla reached out to gently brush them away with soft fingertips.

“You made me fall in love with you twice. And… you have my heart. And I know I have yours. I always have and… even when I didn’t know it, I never took mine away from you.” She paused, taking a deep breath, holding tighter to Carmilla’s hand. “You did promise me forever. But I want to promise you something.” Swallowing, she stepped closer. “I want promise you everything… for the rest of our lives. I want you to give me forever and I want to give you everything.”

She smiled as Carmilla pulled the hand she still clasped to her mouth, leaving a soft kiss along the back of it, her eyes still never leaving Laura’s.

“Okay? Forever and everything. I think we can do that.” Laura nodded again.

“Alright, um… so, uh…” loud sniffle, “if you guys want to trade rings now, that’d be cool.”

Laura turned, smiling as LaF left Perry’s side and stepped forward, handing her the white gold band that would sit on Carmilla’s finger for the rest of their lives.

“Good going, Frosh,” they said with a gentle pat to the shoulder before stepping back to Perry who was two seconds away from becoming a sobbing mess. Behind them stood Danny and Betty, arms wrapped around each other, smiling softly at her. And next to Perry stood Sherman, looking a little teary eyed himself, but so proud of her, his same old corduroy jacket billowing ever so slightly in the breeze.

She turned back just as Carmilla was getting a similar congratulations from her siblings, Will grinning ear to ear and Mattie smiling softly, that same proud look in her own eyes. Mel handed her Laura’s matching band with a half-smile, and Carmilla simply chuckled at whatever she whispered to her before stepping back to Charlotte’s side.

Turning back to each other, she giggled as they attempted to slide the rings on at the same time, fingers shaking ever so slightly from nerves and excitement and the chilly breeze. Finally, hands locked together once again as the bands finally slid in place.

“Okay, cool. So uh, now by the power given to me by that awesome ordaining website, I pronounce you married! You can totally kiss her again, dude!” Kirsch said, smiling brightly at Carmilla as he did.

And Laura couldn’t help but giggle once more as Carmilla pulled her close, carefully cupping her face as their lips met for the first time as a married couple.

“I fucking love you, cutie.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, kissing the dark-haired girl once more. “This… we really get to have forever, don’t we?”

“I promised you.”

And Laura could only nod as a few more tears escaped, Carmilla thumbs brushing them away, as she leaned in to kiss her again.

* * *

**_Present - One Year, Four Months and Three Days After the Accident_ **

She stepped out of their room, refreshed from her nap, the wool on her thick socks and the bottoms of her oversized sweats competing on which would be more slippery against the hardwood. She pulled the sleeves of her gray sweater over her hands, the air in the house cold, and moved towards the thermostat on the wall, shaking her head when she saw Carmilla had turned it down for the umpteenth time that week.

_ And I guarantee she’ll do it again, _ she thought as she clicked a few buttons on the screen and listened to the vents begin pumping out the air needed to warm the house.

Making her way further down the hallway, she distinctly heard the soft sound of music coming from the living room where she knew Carmilla was.

Following the trail through the dimly lit house, she stepped into the archway and stopped, leaning against the wall, unable to stop the smile coming to her face.

There she was, sitting in the chair along the far wall, hair messily pulled back, bare feet propped up on the ottoman in a loose flannel and those damn tiny shorts she was so fond of. Laura had to hold back a giggle, and once again wondered how they’d survive another winter warring over the temperature.

Carmilla had  **finally** listened to the smaller girl’s pleading, and visited the ophthalmologist the month before, Laura’s persistent begging bordering on overt nagging, and, sure enough, was provided with a pair of thick black frames that made Laura weak in the knees every time she saw her bespectacled wife.

_ I swear, if she gets any more gorgeous… I won’t be able to survive it. _

“Hey,” Laura said with a smile, lips turning further up as Carmilla’s eyes pulled away from the leather book in hand, a smile gracing her own features.

“What’s up, buttercup?”

Laura giggled and pushed off the corner of the wall, slowly walking into the room, her eyes never leaving the dark ones across from her.

“You let me nap for far too long.”

“That’s impossible. Napping can never be for too long.”

“I don’t normally sleep that well without you beside me,” she grumbled, moving to straddle the dark-haired girl, arms wrapping around her neck.

“You can nap just fine without me.”

“Nu uh. You ruined me junior year. All cuddled up in our bed between classes,” she said with a fond smile, making Carmilla softly chuckle.

The gaps now were even fewer and farther between. There was still time missing, but, honestly, that was just fine with her. Carmilla was always more than willing to fill in whatever Laura couldn’t.

She would remember an anniversary dinner at a specific restaurant and be able to pinpoint exactly what Carmilla wore. She’d remember what they ate and if the table next to them was too noisy and what Carmilla had gifted her. But she wouldn’t be able to recall what she’d given the dark-haired girl.

She would remember a particular trip and be able to recite moment for moment any tour they took and what hotel they stayed at. But the gap would be over arguing about directions or the airport losing their luggage for the second time.

She could remember the elderly couple in Rome who had kindly taken their picture with the new camera she’d bought Carmilla before the trip. But she’d forgotten that they’d ran into the same couple the next morning at breakfast.

Sometimes the memories came quickly, each day bringing a new one to her. Then, it seemed they would stop. At one point, after three weeks of nothing else returning, she thought maybe that was it. Maybe she’d been gifted with everything she could get back. But then she’d woken up to the smell of blueberry waffles and suddenly had a vision of her and Carmilla in an all-out batter war one morning in their second apartment, loudly laughing as the battle continued on long after the batter was gone.

Sometimes Carmilla wasn’t super thrilled when a certain memory came back. Like the time Laura caught her dancing around their third apartment in her underwear to The Go-Go’s. But then, a few days later, she’d had the vision of her doing the same exact thing to Taylor Swift. But she didn’t tell her wife that she’d gotten that little gem back.

“What do you want to do tonight?” Carmilla asked quietly, her hands gripping loosely at Laura’s hips underneath her oversized sweater, thumbs rubbing in slow circles.

“Hmm… would you be terribly disappointed if I said I wanted to stay right here, just the two of us?”

Carmilla simply chuckled, squeezing at her once before slowly shaking her head.

“I think that sounds perfect, cutie.”

Laura smiled and reached for her wife’s hands, letting out a quiet giggle as her thumb brushed over the white gold band on Carmilla’s left ring finger.

“I love this ring,” she said, glancing up to see Carmilla smiling softly at her. “And I really love you.”

“I love you too, cutie.”

Laura leaned in, leaving one more long kiss against her wife’s lips, before sliding off her lap and into her side. Carmilla shuffled to make room for both of them in the chair, keeping her arms wrapped around the smaller girl as she did. Laura twined their legs together, resting on the ottoman, and laid her head against Carmilla’s shoulder, wrapping an arm around her waist.

She smiled as she felt Carmilla’s lips tickle along her forehead, one of the kisses landing on the now barely visible scar there, and pulled the dark-haired girl in tighter with a soft sigh.

_ Forever and everything. Always. _

A moment later, their gazes turned out the window across the room, the light from outside dimming, as they watched the snow softly fall onto the world around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you.


End file.
